Category: 2006

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 15


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06o: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Snow Patrol

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Judge Larry Seidlin…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:

Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesperson said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was criticized this week, after documents revealed eight fired federal prosecutors had been rated on whether or not they exhibited loyalty to the president. Which explains the appointment of new Mexico federal prosecutor — [ show photo of dog ] Shasta.

Seth Meyers: According to a transcript of a military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attacks, saying, “I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.” He then politely asked the interrogator to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt.

A 17-year old girl won a scholarship worth $100,000 for building an inexpensive, yet accurate, spectograph, that identifies the fingerprints of different molecules — which I assume is some fancy way of saying: “Baking Soda Volcano.”

Amy Poehler: Preisdent Bush visited Colombia on Sunday, to show support for the country’s battle against Narco-Terrorists — or, as he called them in college: “My guys!”

A new study has found that women get together, they engage in mandatory “fat talk”, in which they say negative things about their bodies. Though, eventually, they do get around to introducing their guests. [ reveal photo of “The View” ]

Seth Meyers: This week, there were serious revelations about Attorney General Alberto Gonzales firing eight U.S. attorneys, for what appears to have been a coordinated campaign by the White Huose to purge those attorneys who weren’t “Bushies.” Sinceour regular legal analyst wasn’t available, here to comment is — oh, no — the judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial, Judge Larry Seidlin.

[ Judge Larry Seidlin rolls up next to Seth in his judge’s chair, clutching a newspaper with his face hung low ]

Judge Larry Seidlin: Hiya, Seth and Amy. Did you guys see the news? [ Seth and Amy are mum ] Did you guys see the news, on the TV?

Seth Meyers: Yes. Yes, I saw the news on the TV. Judge, what is your take on the Attorney General scandal?

[ distracted ] How am I coming off so far, Seth? Amy I coming off good, Amy?

Seth Meyers: You’re fine.

Judge Larry Seidlin: Okay. tell you what I’m gonna do. Here’s — what I wanna do now, uh — uh — is, I’m gonna read off the names of the people who are on the chopping block! [ pauses ] About to get fired! Now — now, when I read this, I don’t want no tears. I don’t want no crying! [ sniffs, tries to hold his composure ] I — I think I’m gonna cry — I might cry a little bit. [ sniffs twice ] First name — [ sniffs, holds back his tears ] First name — [ sniffs some more ] is this poor guy from New Mexico, U.S. Attorney David Iglesius — [ begins to boo-hoo-hoo and taps his pencil on the desk ] From Arkansas, Bud Cummins — [ sniffs ] You know, I’ll tell you something, you guys — [ sniffs ] This reminds me of the time I got fired once! You know — you know, when I was a little kid, and I worked at the Bronx Zoo! Selling peanuts!! And, you know, it was a good job, and I worked really hard! This was before I was a cab driver! [ taps his pencil ] I worked hard! Really hard! And one day I was pushing the cart through the zoo, and the monkeys got out of the cage!! And they ATTACKED me!! You know those monkeys — not the regular ones, but the ones with the plastic asses? You know those ones? They were all around me, these monkeys!! And then they knocked over my cart, and one of them punched me in the face, and drug me all around the zoo — it was humiliating!! They were so MEAN to me! You know these monkeys, the one with the plastic asses — the — the RED ones?! The red asses? You know what I’m TALKING ABOUT, SETH!!

Seth Meyers: Yeah. I think so.

Judge Larry Seidlin: You know which monkeys they are, Amy?!!

Amy Poehler: Yes. Yeah. I know.

Judge Larry Seidlin: They’re mean as Hell!! And when they’re hungry, they’re TEN TIMES AS MEAN!! So’s — so’s — so’s when I come to, I’m in the flamingo pen! [ slumps in his seat, begins to cry ] And right there — RIGHT THERE — I got fired. IN FRONT OF THE FLAMINGOS!! [ slumps back in his chairs and wells up with tears ]

Seth Meyers: Judge, so you have anything to say about Karl Rove and the Attorney General?

Judge Larry Seidlin: Seth.. I ain’t coming off too good, am I?

Seth Meyers: No.

Judge Larry Seidlin: But they can splice this out, right?

Seth Meyers: No.

Judge Larry Seidlin: Well, I’ll tell you what they should do with these guys, Karl Rove and Gonzales: they should give them a peanut cart! And make them walk around the monkey cage! So the monkeys can throw PEANUTS at them!! SEE HOW THEY FEEL!! Seth and Amy, you know which monkeys I’m talking about, right?

Amy Poehler: Yes.

Seth Meyers: Yes. Judge Seidlin, everybody. [ to the judge ] Take care of yourself.

Amy Poehler: In an interview with “60 Minutes”, “American Idol” judge Simon cowell said he was once offered $100,000 to watch a couple have sex and then critique their lovemaking. But, then at the last minute, Paula and Randy changed their minds.

Seth Meyers: A new law was signed in New Mexico, Monday, that outlaws cockfighting in the state, as chickens everywhere deserve the right to live free — in a two-foot cage, before a machine cuts off their heads so we can eat them. [ light titters among the audience ]

Amsterdam City Council gave permission for the owner of a 150-year old chestnut tree, that comforted Anne Frank while she was in hiding, to cut it down. Well, it’s official: Anne Frank cannot catch a break. [ light laughs amidst a few groans ] I knew I was in trouble when you guys didn’t like the chicken joke!

A new study says that eating salmon is not only good for your heart, but can improve your disposition, making you more agreeable. Defeating ths study: grizzly bears.

Amy Poehler: Well, today is St. Patrick’s Day — happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody! [ the audience cheers ] And, you know what? [ takes out a bottle ] I figured it would be fun to take a moment and celebrate the holiday with shots. Huh? [ she pours two shots ]

Seth Meyers: Whoa, whoa, whoa — I don’t think it’s a good idea to do shots during the show. Remember what happened last time?

Amy Poehler: [ smiles ] I do not! [ chugs her shot ]

Seth Meyers: Yeah. Yuo got hammered, and thenyou drunk-dialed everyone on your phone.

Amy Poehler: Mmm. Do you want your shot or not?

Seth Meyers: No.

Amy Poehler: Okay. [ holds up Seth’s shot ] To my health! [ chugs the shot ] Mmm! See? I’m fine?

Seth Meyers: Okay. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week in — [ Seth’s cell phone rings ] No. It’s Amy — I’m not going to answer it. Just ignore it. [ begins again ] A new study was released — [ cell phone continues to ring ] You know what? I am just — ’cause she’ll keep calling. [ answers his cell phone ] Hello.

Amy Poehler: [ on her cell phone ] Heeeeyyyy!! What are you doing! Are you OUT?? Are you having fun??

Seth Meyers: No, uh — actually, I’m at the Update desk telling a joke right now, so I’m going to hang up on you.

Amy Poehler: [ quickly ] No, I’m going to hang up on you! [ hangs up her cell phone and smiles ]

[ Seth puts his cell phone away ]

Seth Meyers: Sorry about that. [ show image of tree frog ] A new study was released earlier this week, and —

Amy Poehler: [ leans into Seth’s frame ] You don’t hang up on me, Meyers.. you’re not better than me.. what, do you think you’re so great? I’m from New Hamps-hiiiiiiire!! I’m on Up-daaaate!!

Seth Meyers: Alright, you know what? Here, have some coffee. [ holds up a cup ]

Amy Poehler: No! I want some COFFEE!! [ grabs the cup ] This is MY idea! [ chugs the coffee ]

Seth Meyers: [ to the audience ] This will sober her up. It usually works pretty soon.

Amy Poehler: [ returns to her position at the desk, shakes her head ] Where am I..? What did I do, where are my pants?

Together: [ smiling ] Have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everybody!!

[ the audience cheers ]

Amy Poehler: A Connecticut man is wearing a ski mask around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is a bank robber, terrorist or prowler. But, just to be safe, I’m gonna shoot him. [ audience groans ]

James Brown was finally laid to rest Saturday, at the home of one of his daughters. The body was placed in a mausoleum, with the simple inscription “I felt good.”

Seth Meyers: To help celebrate the 30th anniversary of “Star Wars”, the Postal Service is preparing new mailboxes painted to look like R2D2, even though everyone knows that it’s C3PO that really wants to hold your package.

This year’s Iditarod sled dog race was won by Lance Mackie — or, as his sled dogs call him: “Dead Weight.”

Amy Poehler: Angelina Jolie arrived in Vietnam on Wednesday, where she adopted a three-year old boy. The boy is excited to ocme to America, but a little bummed about having to quit his job.

Police in Nebraska say that two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside — while Brian Seltzer waited in the car.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 24th, 2007

Peyton Manning

Carrie Underwood

None

Archie Manning

Eli Manning

Olivia Manning

Dan Aykroyd

Cooper Manning

A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: Alberto Gonzales (Fred Armisen) reacts nervously as President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) speaks about him to the nation.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Alberto Gonzales.

Montage

Peyton Manning’s MonologueSummary: Peyton Manning tells the audience what inspires him and introduces his family.

Note: In dress rehearsal, Amy Poehler played a Patriots fan who heckles Manning from the audience.

Bio: Peyton Manning (1976-). Athlete; quarterback for Indianapolis Colts since 1998; MVP at Super Bowl XLI (2007); runs his own charity organization, the Peyback Foundation.

Bio: Archie Manning (1949-). Athlete; best remembered as quarterback for New Orleans Saints, 1971-82.

Bio: Eli Manning (1981-). Athlete; quarterback for New York Giants since 2004.

Transcript

United WaySummary: Peyton Manning treats young kids roughly while serving as their mentor.

Transcript

Bronx Beat with Betty & JodiSummary: Betty Caruso (Amy Poehler) and Jodi Deitz (Maya Rudolph) chatter with an attractive zookeeper (Peyton Manning).

Recurring Characters: Betty Caruso, Josi Deitz.

ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool PartySummary: A ditzy secretary (Amy Poehler) has managed a perfect pool score by making picks that have nothing to do with sports knowledge.

Transcript

Penelope the Party PooperSummary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups party guests.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s parody of educational children’s cartoons, little explorer Maraka and her pet cat seek audience participation to rescue a baby penguin.

Transcript

Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his basketball team’s impending loss by playing the 1967 theme from “Casino Royale.”

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Before He Cheats”Bio: Carrie Underwood (1983-). Country pop singer/songwriter; fourth season winner from “American Idol”.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) announces his bid to run for President in 2008. Seth Meyers discusses the fate of a polar bear cub during “Zoo News.” The song stylings of “American Idol” contestant, Sanjaya (Andy Samberg), brings audience members (Kristen Wiig, Fred Armisen) and Dan Aykroyd to tears.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Sanjaya.

300Summary: While filming a climactic scene from “300”, an actor (Peyton Manning) frustrates the film’s director (Jason Sudeikis) by refusing to throw a large rock at a fellow actor (Fred Armisen).

Transcript

Carrie Underwood performs “Wasted”

Coffee ChatSummary: Porch sitter (Kristen Wiig) and her husband (Peyton Manning) dispense distasteful gossip while drinking coffee on their back porch.

Recurring Characters: Porch Sitter.

Transcript

Meatloaf LoversSummary: Peyton Manning loves the new Mercedes-550 because he can cook a tasty meat loaf while he drives pantsless.

Transcript

Air Force OneSummary: The perfect shoe for white guys who don’t have basketball skills.

Note: This commercial parody was cut from the dress rehearsals for the last three episodes.

Transcript

GoodnightsBio: Cooper Manning (1974-). Oldest Manning brother, and the only one of the three who did not pursue a career in professional football.

Transcript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Jojo the BusboySummary: Spunky country club valet, Jojo (Amy Poehler), hits on female tennis player (Maya Rudolph).

Prison Folk GroupSummary: Prisoners react violently to a pair of effeminate folk singers (Peyton Manning, Fred Armisen) performing for them.

Vegas RevueSummary: Two women (Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig) in Las Vegas are eager to see an Elvis impersonator (Peyton Manning) perform.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hijinks with the Appalachian Emergency Room crowd.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance.

Mrs. HastingsSummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) tries to seduce Peyton Manning at a party.

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

300

Director….Jason Sudeikis
Mitch….Peyton Manning
Blaine….Fred Armisen
Cameraman….Kenan Thompson
A.D. ….Kristen Wiig
Extra on a rock….Will Forte

[Opens with a building. Stage 18 Studio. Cut to theinside of it. They are shooting the epic flick 300.There’s a set with a blue screen in the back. A rockformation in the back also with a Spartan soldierwearing a red cape on it. Mitch is dressed up and madeup as a shirtless, bald, humongous freak. Blaine playsa regular Spartan soldier, red cape etc. The directoris giving them instructions]

Director: All right, Mitch, Mitch. Here’s what’s gonnahappen, all right. Huge battle is going on. We’ll begoing blue screen on a storm back here, all right? Youpick up this gigantic rock. You raise it over yourhead and you smash it down on Blaine’s head here.

Mitch: Gotcha.

Blaine: I’m like, cowering?

Director: Yeah, you’re terrified Blaine.

Blaine: I’m like freaking out cause this guy is gonnasplatter my brains everywhere.

Director: Correct. Yes.

Mitch: I’m on full-on monster mode?

Director: Absolutely, yeah, yeah. Let me see thosechompers. Give me a big snarl.

Mitch: Urrggghh!!!

Director: Beautiful, wonderful. All right, let’s shootthis thing. Let’s get into position.

[Walks away, stands by the cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take one.[clack]

Director: And action!

[Blue screen is a stormy sky now. Mitch holds the fakegiant rock over his head. Blaine acts like he’sterrified of getting hit]

Blaine: Whooaa!!

Director: Action!

[Mitch just stands there holding the rock over his head]

Director: Ok, throw the rock, Mitch. Mitch, throw the rock!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Ahhhh!!!

[Mitch is just frozen with the rock over his head]

Director: All right, throw it! Throw the rock, Mitch!Mitch, throw it!! Ok, let’s cut, let’s cut.[Goes overto Mitch] Ok, what happened?

Mitch: Oh, I’m supposed to throw it?

Director: Yes.

Mitch: Oh, so it’s not like special effects?

Director: No, no, no. This shot is you killing him with this rock.

Mitch: Right.

Director: Ok, so you’re good?

Mitch: Yeah, I’m good. Throw the rock.

Blaine:[playfully] Yeah, not too hard.

Director: Ok, let’s do it again.

[Walks back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take two.[clack]

Director: And action! Throw it!!

[Mitch just stands there. Big rock over his head]

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Director: Throw the rock down on him, Mitch!! NOW!!Throw the rock, Mitch!! Can you hear me?!!

Mitch: Yeah.

Director: THROW THE ROCK THEN!!!!

Blaine: Ahhh!

Director: Augh! All right, cut it, cut it, cutit.[Goes over to Mitch] Mitch, Mitch. Are youphysically not able to throw the rock?

Mitch: I can throw it. Look.

[Throws fake rock, bounces off of Blaine]

Director: Ok, that’s great, that’s great! That’sexactly what I want! After I say action do exactlywhat you just did.

Mitch: Throw it down on him.

Director: Right on his head. All right? Show me those chompers.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Director: Ok, good. Let’s go, let’s go. Let’s do itagain.[Goes back besides cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 3.

Director: All right! Are you ready Mitch?!!

Mitch: Ready!

Director: Ok, after I say action what are you going to do?

Mitch: Throw the rock!

Director: All right. I’m getting ready to say action!

Mitch: Go ahead!

Director: Action!

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

Blaine: Aaahhh!!

[Mitch just stands there with the rock over his head]

Director: Mitch, come on! Throw the rock!!! Ple-e-e-ase!!!

Cameraman: Hey, throw the rock, man!!

Extra on a rock: Throw the rock!

Blaine: Do it, man! Throw the rock at me. Aaaahhh!!

[Nothing, Mitch is frozen]

Director: Oh, my God! CUT![goes to Mitch] Ok, what areyou doing to me, Mitch?

Mitch: I was gonna throw the rock. I was waiting for your cue.

Director: What cue are you waiting for?

Mitch: You tell me!

Director: What??!!

Blaine: What if I pull it down on my own head? Like, aaahh….

Director: No, that’s a stupid idea. Who would pull aboulder down on his own head?

Blaine: To hide from him or something….

Mitch: No, that’s totally dumb. I’ll get it this time.Let’s try it again.

Director: All right.

Cameraman: We got only 30 seconds of film left, man.We got to get this.

Director: Ok, Mitch. Seriously, please, dear God!!Just throw the boulder down on Blaine when I tell youto. Ok? Then we all get to go home.

Mitch: I heard you the first time. I’m not an idiot.

Director: Ok, we’re gonna shoot this one. Let’s go,let’s go. [Stands next to cameraman]

A.D.: 300, scene 208, take 4. [clack]

Director: Action!!

[Mitch frozen with the boulder over his head]

Director: OH MY GOD!!!Mitch!!Mitch!! It’s a battlescene! You are trying to kill Blaine! What you’regonna use? That rock, right? It’s got to come down!So, just throw it!!!

Mitch: Grrrrr!!!!

Cameraman: 10 seconds.

Mitch: Grrrr!!!

[Mitch frozen]

Director: Augh! THROW THE BOULDER!!!

Cameraman: Roll out. No more film.

Director: Cut!! Damn it!!

Mitch: How was that?

Director: You did great, yes, that was great, that wasgreat. Hey, everyone! This scene is cut from the film.

Mitch: Everyone! That’s a picture wrap for Mitch!Check the gate![leaves]

Blaine:[claps] C’mon guys, you did great.

Director: No, don’t clap.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Air Force One

A BLACK SCREEN. HEAVY DRAMATIC SCORE CUES IN.

The NIKE logo appears.

SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT – EARLY SPRING – DAY

Six men (ANDY SAMBERG, JASON SUDEIKIS, FRED ARMISEN, BILL HADER, WILL FORTE, and KENAN THOMPSON) stroll side-by-side in matching white-on-white tracksuits.

INT. BASKETBALL COURT

A game is in progress between all the men, now in various PT gear. Bill makes a shot and misses. Bill turns his head to Andy behind him and points at him.

Bill: Foul!

The ball’s in motion again. Will, shirtless, passes the ball to Bill. Bill passes it to Fred.

Fred: Short!

Fred shoots the ball and it bounces against the backboard and hits the rim. No shot.

Fred: Short!

Fred again shoots the ball. Ball fails to go into basket.

Fred: Short!

No one passes the ball to Fred.

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT

SLOW MOTION CLOSE-UPS of Sudeikis & Samberg moving forward on the camera.

INT. BASKETBALL COURT

Kenan makes a shot, but is thwarted by another player.

Kenan: Ow! Foul!

Jason gets the ball, but struggles to maintain it. Both offense and defense are playing sub-standard. Andy trips over Kenan’s back leg.

Andy: Ow! Ow!

EXT. BASKETBALL COURT

All men are side-by-side in their white tracksuits.

FREEZE FRAME

SUPER: AIR FORCE ONE. The way you play, you don’t need these shoes.

Announcer V/0: Air Force One. The way you play, you don’t need these shoes.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

TV Funhouse

written by: Robert Smigel, Matt O’Brien

Voices…..Becca Lish

(The bumper comes up of Payton Manning and then fades into the TV Funhouse logo. It cuts to the theme song of Maraka.)

Theme song:
“Maraka, Maraka
Adventures, adventures
(Spanish saying)
Maraka!”

Maraka: Hola, hello! I’m Maraka. Soy Maraka. Do you know who this is? (re: Mittens) [beat]

Mittens: That’s right! I’m Mittens! Soy Mittens!

Maraka: Mittens is a cat. Mittens es un gato. Do you like penguins? [pause] Me too! Mittens and I are on our way to Penguin Island. (She randomly holds up a fifty dollar bill) Can you break a fifty?

Mittens: Hey, Maraka, what’s over there?

(They zoom to the left and we see it’s an air balloon.)

Maraka: Do you see anything that can take us to la montaña? The mountain?

(The mouse arrow key moves and clicks above the air balloon and we hear the click sound from the mouse.)

Maraka: Right! It’s a balloon! Es un globo! [she pumps her hands together after she and Mittens get in the hot air balloon] Pump your hands together to make the balloon fill up! Pump them harder! (the balloon air bags grow gradually get bigger) Come on! Harder! What’s wrong with you?! (the air balloon fills up completely) There! You did it!

Maraka & Mittens: (together they sing) “We’re flying, estamos volando!”

(Maraka pulls out her binoculars and looks into them.)

Maraka: I’m using my binoculars (Spanish phrase) [cut to inside the binoculars] (O.S.): Hey! Look! One of the mommy penguins is missing her egg! (cuts back to outside her binoculars) Can you tell me how to check for a hernia? (pause) Muy bueno! (she looks back into her binoculars) [cuts to inside her binoculars] Wait! There’s the egg right now! It’s being carried away by a bird! (cuts to back outside her binoculars) We need to get that egg! (randomly) Can you help me decide if Robert Blake was innocent? (pause) That’s interesting! Interesante! I’ve never considered the testimonial (Spanish phrase) The bird is getting away! We’ve got to tell the bird to put the egg down! Say “Put it down!” Again! (she starts flapping her arms like a bird) Now flap your wings while you do it! Flap your wings and yell! Don’t question it just do it. Louder!

Bird: Sorry. (drops the egg)

Maraka: You did it! And look! [the egg hatches, revealing a baby penguin] The pequeño little pingüino penguin just hatched! Tramado! (She randomly pulls out a picture of a possible man or woman) Can you tell me if this person’s a girl or a guy? (pause) You’re right! ¡Bueno!

(The air balloon lands on some snow.)

Maraka: We’re on Penguin Island! And look! (Cut to baby penguin trying to walk) Look! Mire! Baby pingüino — [a mixture of Spanish, Swahili, and a host of other languages] We have to help baby penguin down the mountain! (randomly) Do you know why my father left me? (pause) ¡Bueno! Now let’s show baby penguin how to slide down the mountain like a penguin! (while she’s saying this, Mittens pulls out a picture of a penguin sliding down the snow hill) Get on your tummy like a penguin so we can show the baby penguin how to slide down the mountain! Get on your tummy! On your tummy! Do it ass—-! (They start sliding)

Maraka: (sings in Spanish as they slide)

(They get down.)

Maraka: Uh-oh. Do you see anything heading toward baby penguin?

(Cuts to baby penguin down the hill, but on top of the hill a giant ball of snow is coming its way.)

(The arrow clicks on the snowball to answer Maraka’s question)

Maraka: ¡Bueno! Es canto mortal enorme! An enormous deadly boulder!

(The ball is coming closer and closer towards baby penguin)

Mittens: (shrieks) Baby penguin!! (he dives into the penguin and pushes the penguin out of the way)

Maraka: Say hooray! (They jump and say “Hooray!”) Mittens saved baby penguin! If Mittens chose to save baby penguin based on his beliefs, and Mitten’s beliefs are not in his direct control, does Mittens really have free will?

(Both of the penguins stand there puzzled)

(The theme music plays again as it fades out)

Submitted by: Crosby Waller

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Goodnights

…..Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning: Thanks to Carrie Undewood, Dan Aykroyd. I want to thank all the cast and crew. I want to thank Lorne and Marci. What an unbelievable week, I can’t thank y’all enough. God night, everybody. Thank you.

[ suddenly, Eli and Cooper Manning wheel a birthday cake shaped like the main stage onto Home Base. The band begins to play “Happy Birthday”, as the crowd on the stage sings along.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Locker Room Motivation

Coach….Will Forte
Wally….Peyton Manning
Teammate 1….Bill Hader
Teammate 2….Kenan Thompson
Teammate 3….Fred Armisen
Teammate 4….Jason Sudeikis
Teammate 5….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a demoralized basketball team entering thelocker room. Some sit on a bench, some stand behind. Amustached coach enters, clipboard in hand]

Coach: All right, listen up! I see a lot of mopeyfaces around here. Granted, we’re down by 34 points,McMillan broke his ankle and our cheerleaders havestarted to cheering for the other team. That doesn’tmean we can’t come back and win this thing. Wally, yougot something you wanna say?

Wally: Yeah, coach. Guys, this is my senior year andas team captain this is not how I wanna end my lastgame. So you guys listen up and listen good. Let’s getthe “f” outta here. I mean, there’s an exit near theshowers. We can get back to the bus and get back toDes Moines before they even know we’re gone.

[The team agrees, they start to head out.]

Coach: Come on, sit your buns back down.[Team sitsdown] Ok, we can’t just give up.

Wally: But coach this guys are so good and I’m very,very scared of them. Can I be real with you right now?I mean like really, really, really real.

Coach: Yes.

Wally: I just thought about going out there for thesecond half and a little bit of pee came out.

Coach: Guys, if I gave up every time I’ve peed mypants out of fear I would not be married. I would nothave 3 out of my 4 kids and I definitely would not bestanding here in front of you right now. No, feel mypants. They’re soaking with urine. Seriously, feelthem. Somebody? Anybody? They are soaking.

Wally: Look coach it’s no use, all right. We suck. AndI know for a fact that we can’t win this game. And I’dmuch rather head home. Bake some snicker-doodles witha few of my bro’s and then practice french-kissingwith my french-kissing puppet. So, all in favor ofgetting the “f” outta here say “Aye”.

Teammates: “Aye!”

Wally: All opposed?

Coach: Nay!!![throws clipboard to the floor] You know,one time I was on a team that was down by 56 points inhalf-time. 56 points! But then Coach John Wooten.Coach John Wooten! Came in on the locker room and heplayed us a song. And that song got us so fired upthat we went out there and managed the biggestcomeback in college basketball history![shows a tape] I brought that song with me tonight. And all I ask ofyou is to listen to this song once and then decide ifyou’re gonna run home with your tail between your legsor if you want to go back out there and kick the snotout of those bastards.

[Pop tape into radio. Casino Royale theme plays. Think60’s instrumental supermarket or elevator music. Coachtakes the song in. He is getting into it. Beat picksup, he gets more into it and cannot contain himself.Smiles big, dances moving side by side, arms extended,eyes closed, jumps up and down, makes like a gateclosing down with his arm, cups his hand up to hisear, jump in one place, he’s ecstatic. Song climaxes,he’s more happy than before, he’s in rapture, turnsaround, jumps, twirls.]

[At this point Bill Hader is cracking up hard. Hecovers his face with his hand. Peyton Manning is alsolaughing, he covers his smile with a towel. KenanThompson smiles too so does Fred Armisen. JasonSudeikis and Andy Sandberg are the only ones that keepa straight face]

Coach: Whooooa!!! Boys, can you feel it!! Wally??!!

Wally: I’m feeling it, Coach!

[Wally gets up, starts dancing around, moves his hips,snaps his fingers. Coach and Wally do circles, armslocked into each other, they playfully bump eachothers hips. Wally plays air guitar with the coach’sleg. The coach pretends to play air drums.]

Coach: Ok, now who’s ready to kick some BUTT!!!

Wally: Let’s do it!!!!

[Coach and Wally get out of the locker room towardsthe basketball court dancing and jumping around. Thewhole team stays behind.]

Teammate 1: Let’s get the “f” outta here!!

Teammates: Yeah!!

[Team leaves]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Meatloaf Lovers

…..Peyton Manning

[ open on the image of a meatloaf being sliced and smothered in gravy ]

Peyton Manning V/O: Do you love meatloaf the way I do? Juicy, hot slices piled high and smothered in a rich, brown gravy?

[ cut to Peyton Manning ]

Peyton Manning: I’m Peyton Manning. And, if you like meatloaf as much as me, I’ve got the car for you. [ cut to Manning standing next to a white car ] The new Mercedes-550. A meatloaf lover’s dream. Look inside.

[ show interior of the vehicle ]

Peyton Manning V/O: Rich leather upholstery, wood grain highlights, and a stainless steel meatloaf oven simply to die for.

[ cut to Peyton driving the car along the highway ]

Peyton Manning: This is your car. Only the very best and tastiest meatloafs, cooked right here while you drive. Succulent — [ holds up a fork and takes a bite of the meatloaf ] juicy, done right. Homemade meatloaf straight from the oven and into your mouth.

[ cut to Peyton walking around to the trunk ]

Peyton Manning: Not enough? Check out what our engineer did to the trunk —

[ cut to close-up of the trunk as the lid is raised to reveal frozen meatloafs, plates, condiments and more ]

Peyton Manning V/O: — or, should I say, the butler’s pantry? Gravy holders.. ketchup.. frozen loafs —

[ cut to Peyton standing along the side of the car ]

Peyton Manning: And here’s the best part — you ride around in the 550 without your pants on!

[ camera zooms out to reveal that Peyton is pantsless ]

[ cut to Peyton entering the driver’s seat pantsless ]

Peyton Manning: That’s right — no pants!

[ show overhead shot of toilets inside the driver’s and front passenger’s seats ]

Peyton Manning V/O: Each seat is a toilet.

[ cut back to Peyton sitting pantsless in the driver’s seat ]

Peyton Manning: Do we know our meatloaf lover’s or what?

[ cut to product symbol, with SUPER: “Meatloaf Lovers Dream” ]

Announcer: The Mercedes-550. A meatloaf lovers dream.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Peyton Manning’s Monologue

…..Peyton Manning

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Peyton Manning!

Peyton Manning: Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s such an honor and a thrill to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live.” It’s been a fun year for me, as I’ve accomplished two of my lifelong goals: 1) I appeared in over half of America’s television commercials, and, uh, 2) my team, The Colts, won the Super Bowl. So, uh —

[ audience cheers loudly ]

You know, when you win the Super Bowl, the biggest challenge is not having a letdown year the next year, and so you ask, “How do I stay motivated?” Well, let me tell you a little story. I was recently visiting a Veteran’s Hospital in Boston, and I sat with Joe O’Malley — 85 years old, an incredible guy — and he said to me, “Peyton, what do Tom Brady and the circus have in common?” I said, “What’s that, Joe?” He said, “They both have two more rings than you do.” [ audience reaction is mixed between laughter and groans, which Peyton shrugs off ] You know, I really — Joe, honestly, I want to say Thanks, because of that comment I’m gonna go back and work hard to be sure and kick y’all’s ass next year! [ audience cheers ]

You know — and I have to say, finally getting a Super Bowl ring has helped me realize what’s most important in my life, and that’s family. for those of you who don’t know, I come from a football family. They mean the world to me, and some of them are here tonight. I’d like to introduce them to you, if I could. First, there’s my father — Archie Manning is here! Dad, stand up!

[ the audience cheers as Archie Manning, New Orleans Saints, Houston Oilers, Minnesota Vikings, stands among them ]

My dad was an NFL quarterback for fifteen years — he taught me everything I know! My brother, eli Manning, is here!

[ the audience cheers as Eli Manning, New York Giants, stands among them ]

Of course, you know Eli is a quarterback for the New York Giants. My wonderful mother, Olivia, is here!

[ the audience cheers as Olivia Manning stands among them ]

[ somber ] She didn’t make it to the NFL, uh — she didn’t have what it took. She got cut by the Dolphins, she tried in Canada for a bit, uh — she’s a real disappoint to all of us, uh, you know — she’s still a great lady, and we love her.

I am happy they’re here. I’m happy you’re here. Carrie Underwood is here, also. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Penelope the Party Pooper

Nicole…..Maya Rudolph
Glenn…..Peyton Manning
Sue…..Amy Poehler
Penelope…..Kristen Wiig
Anthony…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, two-story house, night ]

Nicole V/O: Oh, Sue — this house is so beautiful!

[ dissolve to interior, dining room, Nicole with her arms around Anthony as she speaks to Sue during an elegant party ]

Glenn: Yeah. Thank you so much for inviting us.

Sue: Of course! Excuse me, guys — I have to go check on the caterer, so relax, have another drink, and please eat!

Nicole: Oh, thank you.

[ Sue exits the scene, as Nicole and Glenn step closer to the food ]

Nicole: Wow! She got a caterer!

Glenn: They really went all out. I’ve never seen this many hors d’oeuvres.

[ Penelope enters frame, endlessly twirling her fingers within the dangling curls of her hair in a semi-bored fashion ]

Penelope: I have. Yeah, I’ve seen more hors d’oeuvres than this, so — I’ve just really been to a lot of big parties before, so —

Nicole: Oh, maybe you can help us out. I don’t even know what half of these things are —

Penelope: I do. I know all of them. I’ve had all of these before, at other parties I’ve been invited to, so — I’ve just been to a lot of parties. [ points to an hors d’oeuvres ] That one has crab in it.

Glenn: I’m sorry. We haven’t met. I’m Glenn, this is my wife Nicole.

[ Penelope and Nicole shake hands ]

Penelope: Happy to meet you.

Nicole: It’s nice to meet you. So, how do you know sue and Anthony?

Penelope: We’re really good friends. So — we’ve known each other for a really long time. I just know them really well. Probably better than a lot of people here, so —

Glenn: Oh — oh, well, uh — we met them at Lamaze class, six months ago.

Penelope: [ quickly ] I’ve known them for, like, seven years. So, just a little bit longer. I’ve just known them for a relaly long time, so — longer, just better friends. So — longer than you guys. So —

[ Anthony enters the scene ]

Anthony: Hey, guys! Glad you could make it! [ shakes hands with Glenn and hugs Nicole ]

Glenn: So are we. This is the first time we’ve been out of the house since Rachel was born.

Nicole: Yeah, my mom’s in town. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.

Glenn: She’s really been a big help.

Penelope: [ butting in ] My mom helps me out a lot, too! So — she helps me a lot, she’s always helping me with anything. So, my mom helps me a lot, too, so —

Anthony: I see you guys have, uh, had the pleasure of meeting Penelope?

Nicole: Yes.

Penelope: Yeah — [ chuckles ] And we met earlier tonight, so we know wach other — we’ve known each other for a while, so I know everyone at this party now. So — so, I know everybody.

Anthony: Nicole, you can’t even tell you just had a baby. You look great!

Nicole: Oh, thank you! I lost the first fifteen pounds pretty easily, the doctors —

Penelope: [ leans into frame ] I just lost twenty pounds! So — twenty.. twenty-five pounds, so — a little over twenty. So — [ leans out of frame ]

Nicole: Um — we were just telling Sue how much we love your new house!

Penelope: [ leans in again ] I do, too — it’s my favorite house — it’s my favorite house I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s my favorite house. So — [ leans back out ]

Glenn: You really went all out wih this party.

Anthony: Yeah, a little overboard. I even flew out, uh — [ point to Penelope ] Sue’s cousin, to surprise her.

Penelope: Yeah, I have a lot of cousins, too, so — More than one. Just a lot of cousins. We’re really close, too. Just anniversaries, holidays — just parties. One time, they flew me out for a tea party, so —

Glenn: Great. Uh — [ to Anthony ] How’s your brother, Jim, doing?

Anthony: Jim? He’s good. He’s really good. Just started Law school.

Penelope: I have a brother, Jim, too. He’s in Law SChool — started a log time ago, though, so — top of his class.

Glenn: Tell Jim I said Hi.

Penelope: I already told him you said Hi, so — I told him.

Sue: [ calling out ] Hey! Attention! Attention, everyone! Um — can I have everyone’s attention? Uh — first of all, I just want to say Thank You —

Penelope: [ squeezes into frame ] I also want to thank everybody for coming.

Sue: Um — on behalf of Anthony and I, I just wanted to thank all of you for coming tonight —

Penelope: Thank all of you for coming tonight.

Sue: We-we feel so blessed —

Penelope: I feel really blessed, too — a lot of really good things in my life, you know?

Sue: Not only for this new home —

Penelope: I have a new house, too — it’s really big.

Sue: But for all of our amazing friends —

Penelope: I have a lot of friends, too — a lot of friends —

Sue: Penelope, why do you always do this? You totally embarrassed yourself.

Penelope: I did it, that’s me — I embarrassed myself, so, everybody, look at me —

Glenn: She really doesn’t stop, does she? [ steps closer to Penelope ] Hey, Penelope? Guess what. I have a cousin that lives in space, and I recently lost five-hundred pounds, and you know what? My wife and I got here by paddling a kayak down the street, and two minutes after my baby was born, she spke French.

Nicole: Glenn! [ embarrassed ]

Penelope: That’s — all I have to say is: I have sixty cousins that live in space and other dimsensions, um — I just lost seven-hundred pounds, and, um, I invented kayaks, and I invented the streets, so — um — I have six babies now, who spoke forty-four languages before they came out of my stomach, um — and, uh — I can fly, so — [ she continues to ramble on as the group quickly disperses ]

Glenn: Honey, let’s get our coats.

Nicole: Yeah. [ they exit the room, as most of the other guests follow suit ]

Anthony: I’m sorry! Guys, don’t go! [ chases after his friends ]

Sue: Thanks a lot, Penelope.

Penelope: She’s thanking me, so — [ a couple stands next to her ] I have this table — I have that putfit, too, so —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts