SNL Transcripts: Zach Braff: 05/19/07: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 20


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06t: Zach Braff / Maroon 5

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Aunt Linda…..Kristen Wiig
Sam Waterson…..Fred Armisen
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler and here are tonight’s top stories.

Lt. General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon’s director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room yelling “Not It!”

The average national price of a gallon hit an all time record high of three dollars and fifteen cents this week. Meaning that where ever you’re going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car.

As part of a new immigration reform bill, illegal immigrants would get immediate legal status by paying a fee of 5,000 dollars. So, it looks like that jet ski will have to wait until next year, Horhey.

Seth Meyers: During a concert of the Virginia Symphony at the 400th anniversary celebration of Jamestown, president Bush briefly took over the orchestra, which explains why the orchestra is now 4 trillion dollars in debt.

The New York Police Department is deploying 10 segway scooters this week to patrol on pathways and parks in an effort to increase murder.

Amy Poehler: [murmurs] Clapping for murder. Well summer’s just around the corner and that means this year’s biggest movies are on the way. Here with her take on some of these films, is my Aunt Linda.

[Aunt Linda scoots out on a rolling chair]

Aunt Linda: [looking at a person off stage] I can push myself! And leave my purse where I can see it! [turns head forward]

Amy Poehler: Okay, hi, aunt Linda. Welcome back.

Aunt Linda: Hello, Amy. Hello, Seth.

Seth Meyers: Hi aunt Linda, you actually sound like you’re in a good mood.

Aunt Linda: Well, its spring so I’m happy. Isn’t that obvious? [rolls her eyes]

Amy Poehler: Okay, well, I heard there were a lot of good movies coming out.

Aunt Linda: You whaaaat? Well, I guess if you like sequels.For instance, another Pirates of the Caribbean?!? Well, I’ll see this one with two eye patches on. I’ll give this one a “Thar she blows”! And guess how many oceans they’ve made now!

Amy Poehler: Wait, what?

Aunt Linda: Oceans Thirteen! Did the first 12 do that well? Well, if they’re anything like the last 2, I give this one 13 “ghaas” and a “puhhhleez”. And of course, the highly anticipated Rush Hour 3. [rolls eyes]

Amy Poehler: Oh, yeah, that’s the one with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan.

Aunt Linda: Yes, Amy, the infamous ethnic comedy duo have teamed up again. Well just from trailer, I give this movie a review that both its stars should appreciate: An “Oh no you didn’t” and a “De jong”.

Amy Poehler: De jong? What does that mean?

Aunt Linda: It’s Chinese for “oh brother”.

Amy Poehler: This has been uplifting, thank you so much, aunt Linda!

Aunt Linda: Yes, [looks back stage again] hand me my purse! [scoots away]

Amy Poehler: Aunt Linda, everybody!

Seth Meyers: For the second consecutive year, Miami has been named the city with the worst road rage. They hope to solve this next year with more cocaine and louder salsa music.

Amy Poehler: A new bird called the Gorgorded puffleg which is a blue and green throated humming bird was discovered in a cloud forest in Columbia… though still nothing on Bin Ladin.

Hundreds of girls stood in a line, Monday, in Manhattan, to audition for a role in the upcoming American Girl movie, which stars Abigail Breslin and nobody who stood in a line.

Seth Meyers: Fire Fighters in Alaska were called in to lift a 7,500 pound elephant that had laid down and refused to get up, because if there is one thing fire fighters know about, it’s elephants.

Amy Poehler: Sesame Workshop, the creators of Sesame Street, are in talks with Northern Ireland to bring the show up there. Producers have already made a new character for the show, called “Drink You Under the Table Elmo” [murmurs] I look forward to that.

NBC announced Monday, it will once again renew its long running drama series, Law & Order, which as near as I can tell, is about a kindly old grand-father who teaches cynicism to a series of super-models.

Seth Meyers: [looking the opposite direction of Amy] Oh oh, oh oh!

Amy Poehler: [whispers] What?!

Seth Meyers: [still looking the opposite direction of Amy] Sam Waterson is standing right behind you.

Amy Poehler: What? No! Damn it! No!

Sam Waterson: How dare you, Amy? How can you defend that joke? It’s out of order! And I object! Testimony! 9-1-1! [Law & Order noise sounds as Sam Waterson walks away]

Seth Meyers: Porn star, Janet Jamison, this week, endorsed Hillary Clinton, for three hot hours.

Amy Poehler: Candy Spelling, Tori Spelling’s mother, posted a letter to Paris Hilton on the internet, warning her to change her ways, and that she is not as truly entitled as her money implies. Ahhh white wine! Helping old ladies embarrass them selves for centuries!

ABC this week, announced to launch a sitcom, based on the cavemen characters from the well-known Geico commercials. Not to be out done, NBC is introducing their new drama, 1-800-mattress.

Seth Meyers: Indiana’s Putnamville correctional facility has created a program where in-mates care for retired race horses at a prison farm, and this just in, the prisoners have escaped on the race horses.

A judge has ruled that a German sex shop must pay over 67,000 dollars each for using their names on vibrators with out permission. Good news for Auto Van Dildo.

Amy Poehler: A new study reveals that?

Whitney Houston: [off stage] Ohhhhhh!

Amy Poehler: Oh oh who is this?

Seth Meyers: Oh boy.

Whitney Houston: [walking on stage] Ohhhhh!

Amy Poehler: Oh, look everyone, it’s famous singer and recording artist, Whitney Houston!

Whitney Houston: Ohh, thank you!

Amy Poehler: Oh, what a surprise!

Whitney Houston: Oh oh oh! Amy Poehler everybody, can I get a what-what?! Alright!

Amy Poehler: Mrs. Houston, now who let you in, and what brings you by the Update desk?

Whitney Houston: I don’t know! I just wanted to stop by and wish my old pals a very happy summer time!

Amy Poehler: Okay, so what are you doing for the summer, Mrs. Houston?

Whitney Houston: Funny, you should ask, Ms. Meyers! First, I am going to lay by the pool, Seth Meyers, and drink down lots of peanut cool lalas! I am not however, going to drink a bottle of bandasolay just because it smells like bananas! [takes her glasses off] Bobby Brown dared me to do it! I’m going to get you Bobby B!

Amy Poehler: Yeah, we heard that he was suing you actually.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Whitney Houston: Oh, you did?

Amy Poehler: Yeah

Seth Meyers: Yeah

Whitney Houston: Ha ha ha! I am laughing but this is not funny! Your door bell is going to ring, Bobby B! And your going to open your door to find a burning bag of doggy doody! And you’re gonna stomp it out! Alright! [starts dancing backwards]

Amy Poehler: Okay. Wow! She’s going all the way back! Mrs. Houston, you brought us something, what did you bring us?

Whitney Houston: Oh I did! Some baked goods! A family secret recipe, for summertime! It’s brownies! [stands up, and walks in the middle of Seth and Amy] But don’t eat them until after the show!

Seth Meyers: Why? Are they pot brownies?

Whitney Houston: No! They’re cocaine brownies! Momma has already had 16 of them! [starts dancing again]

Amy Poehler: Wow there she goes again! Whitney Houston, everybody!

[Whitney Houston walks off stage]

Seth Meyers: From Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

[Whitney Houston runs back on stage and climbs on Seth, and Amy follows, as Weekend Update fades]

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Molly Shannon: 05/12/07: American Idol



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 19



06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

American Idol

Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Ryan Seacrest…..Bill Hader
Paula Abdul…..Amy Poehler
Melinda Doolittle…..Maya Rudolph
Simon Cowell…..Jason Sudeikis
Randy Jackson…..Kenan Thompson

[American Idol theme song comes on as you see the 3-D opening. The screen then goes to Melinda standing on the stage with Ryan standing right next to her]

Ryan Seacrest: Alright! I’m Ryan Seacrest! We’re back to find out who’s journey, is coming to an end tonight. Melinda, America has voted. Tonight, you are going home…

[Melinda looks down at her feet disappointed]

Ryan Seacrest: And by home, I just mean the hotel…

[Melinda looks up all surprised and excited]

Ryan Seacrest: So you can pack up your bags…

[Melinda looks down at her feet once again]

Ryan Seacrest: If you are chosen to leave…

[Melinda looks up all surprised again]

Ryan Seacrest: Which will be tonight…

[Melinda looks down AGAIN]

Ryan Seacrest: Or next week!

[By now, Melinda is just confused]

Ryan Seacrest: Or tonight. But right now I tell you that it is over! Or not over! Or is. Melinda! You… Are… Safe! [gives a thumbs up] Not safe! [thumbs down] Saaaaaaaafe [thumb goes up slowly] Agghhhh! [Thumb goes down quick] Ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes up slowly] ehhhhhhhhh… [thumb goes down slowly, then goes up and down over and over again] Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! Oh! Eh! You’re out… But safe!

[Melinda runs happily off the stage]

Ryan Seacrest: So let’s go to Jordan Blake, and see who is going—

[Mary Katherine Gallagher runs on the stage, while the audience screams out in applaud]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Mary Katherine Gallagher! [reaches out to shake his hand] Mary Katherine Gallagher! [Ryan is looking off stage trying to find security]

Ryan Seacrest: I’m sure you are excited to be here, but you need stay in your seat!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just want to say that even though I was cut on those pulmonary auditions, I just want to say that I really still feel that I deserve a chance to compete in America’s greatest talent competition.

Ryan Seacrest: Sorry, you only get one chance, you really need to get off the stage.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I just— I just— [goes in a very soft voice to complete her sentence] Ryan, please. Before I’m forcibly removed I would just like to congratulate Randy on his gastric bypass and substitute weight loss slash partial regain.

[Randy’s face is confused by her saying partial regain]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: And I would also like to tell Paula that I do believe she’s never been drunk, and it’s just naturally drowsy.

[Paula, who looks intoxicated, blows her a kiss]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: And Simon, the way you verbally assault people, scares me in a very very sexy way that fills me with shame!

Simon Cowell: Young lady, what in bloody hell are you doing with your hands?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my fingers under my arms, and smell them like this.

Simon Cowell: Ms. Gallagher, I admit you’re quite unique, but other then inhaling your own feminine musk, what else do you do?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: What else do I do? I do… [runs and jumps] gymnastics! [runs and jumps again] gymnastics! [mumbles to herself]

Simon Cowell: This is a singing competition, young lady. So, say goodbye, it’s time to say goodbye.

[Ryan is getting ready to carry her off the stage, but Mary stops him]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: My feelings would best be described in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie, Shooting Stars, which is a Jackson 5 story, starring Lawrence Hilton Jacob III, from Welcome Back Cotter, as Jo Jackson, their driven, yet, abusive, daddy dreamer.

Ryan Seacrest: Mary, you have to leave the stage immediately, after you do this monologue… If I let you do it… which I will.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Boys, [a little piano ballad is going on in the background] you got to clean out your ears and listen to your daddy Jo! You want to be stars? You’ve got to sacrifice! You don’t need no school, Tito! You don’t need to girlfriend, Jermaine! Marlon, Jackie, you got to want this the way a junkie wants to junk! Stop crying, Michael, you big baby! One more peep out of any of you and I will get my belt and I will knock the gleam out of your afros! I don’t give a diddly damn if it’s four in the morning, we are going to rehearse that robo style, again and again and again!

[Ryan goes up to her trying to stop her]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Get out of here, Tito!

[Mary pushes ryan right into the back drop behind them and he rips through it]

Randy Jackson: Yo, yo, yo! Mary, enough! Now, I know Joe Jackson, personally, and that movie was way off base! He was a much bigger bastard to those kids in real life!

Paula Abdul: [slurring strongly] Mary, I just want to say, your performance, and your outfit, and lady power, and, oh, it’s amazing… [turns her chair towards the audience]

Simon Cowell: [sarcastic tone] Well said Paula. I too find you absolutely horrible! The only thing less appealing then your looks, is your talent. So you might as well leave, there is absolutely nothing else you can do to make me believe you’re special in any way.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: I can do something… [breaks out into song and starts singing, Brass In Pocket, by The Pretenders]

“Gonna use my arms,
I’m gonna use my legs,
I’m gonna use my style,
I’m gonna use my sidestep,
Gonna use my fingers,
Gonna use my, my, my, imagination!”

[turns around, bends down, and pulls up her skirt, then runs offstage to the judge table]

“’cause I gonna make you see
[Steps behind Randy, and massages his shoulders for a second]there’s nobody else here
no one like me
[runs to Paula, and rubs her head]I’m special, so special
[Goes to Simon, and picks him up by his neck collar]I Gotta have some of your attention, give it to me!”

[Throws Simon on the judge table, which collapses, and she steps over him. Breaks out of song]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [kneels down and throws her arms in the air] Superstar! Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Conner Bourgoin

SNL Transcripts