SNL Transcripts: Molly Shannon: 05/12/07: Penelope

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park


Penelope…Kristen Wiig
Lisa… Molly Shannon
Gina… Amy Poehler
Lou… Kenan Thompson
Jim… Jason Sudeikis

(Guests are at a hotel meeting looking at the table with all the food)

Lou: Wow Lisa, I can’t believe you made these.

Lisa: Aw you know some time these meetings go on a little to long so I thought I’d make something to snack on.

Gina: oh god you made brownies too?

Lisa: Yeah I never made this recipe before so I hope it turns out okay.

(Penelope comes in)

Penelope: I have. I used this recipe before so, just used that recipe before, so my mom used to make that kind of brownie, so I grew up with that kinda brownie soo their not new to me soo just make them all the time so made them before.

Lisa: Hi I’m Lisa, you must be Penelope, you just moved in right?

Penelope: Yeah I just moved in so I’m probably the newest tenant here so.

Gina: Hi I’m Gina.

Lou: Hello Penelope, I’m Lou, welcome to the building. I live in 2g.

Penelope: Yeah I live in 1c, so just one more floor closer to the ground, so in case theirs a fire, I’d probably get out a lot easier than a lot of people, so just safer soo I just like it.

Lisa: Oh, well we’re really happy to have you. Hey Gina, by the wat I saw that flyer you put up about planting flowers in the walk way, I think that is a great idea.

Gina: Thanks yeah you know the weather is getting nice so I thought it would be fun, I know I said 8 am, and I know that might be a little early for some people..

Penelope: It’s not early for me, so I just get up at like 7, or 6, or 5, so I’ve been up at like 4, I just love getting up early, so just love getting up earlier than other ppl. I’ll probably be the first one there, I usually get up at 3 so..

Lisa: Well there you go I guess it isn’t to early (Laughs).

Lou: Hey you know what my grandaughters will be visiting, I should bring them.

Lisa: Aw what a great idea I cant wait to see them.

Lou: Well lucky for you I got some pictures (pulls out wallot)

Gina: Oh their adorable.

Penelope: I have pictures too in my wallot upstairs soo just didn’t bring my wallot cause it’s really expensive soo just didn’t want to bring it so lots of pictures of kids in their so I’ll probably bring them all on saturday too soo.

Lisa: Great, great great, well it looks like everyones here so excuse me, I think we should get started, why not everyone if we can find a seat we’re going to get going with this meeting.

Penelope: Sit down everybody (Sits)

Lisa: Yeah… okay hi everybody I just want to thank all of you for coming so lets get down to it, does anybody have any issues or concerns?

Jim: Yeah I just want to let everyone know that I’m finally going to take that trip to Italy.

Penelope: Yeah I’m going to italy too soo going to fly first class or something soo you know.

Jim: Yeah I’ll be their for two months.

Penelope: I’m going to go for four months soo, twice as long then he’s going soo just a little bit longer sooo

Jim: Anyways my brother is going to be watching my plays too.

Penelope: My brother is going to be watching my plays too sooo professional apartment watcher soo

Lisa: Alright that’s great really great Penelope… Jim I hope you have a good trip. Okay so lets just move on does anybody else have any buisness…

(Penelope gets up behind Lisa)

Penelope: other buisness, does everybody understand… soo any buisess.

Lisa: Penelope can you please have a seat.

(Penelope sites down)

Penelope: I’m having a seat already, I already took one sooo.

Lisa: Yes Gina.

Gina: Yeah I have a card for everyone to sign, some of you might not know this but Mrs. Jacob’s 15 year old cat Whiskers Magee passed away last week…

Penelope: My cat passed away tooo sooo his name was whiskers magee the first sooo, he was 17 years old so just a little bit older than her cat soo it died a few minutes ago too sooo just effects me more soo.

Lisa: That cat was like a child to her.

Penelope: my cat was my child I was pregnant with my cat… I gave birth to it sooo I had my cat baby in the hospital and I had my cat baby shower soo a lot of people there soo.

Lisa: Really you had a cat baby… wow penelope congradulations you know what I think this is a good time for me to tell everyone my good news. I just gave birth to twin cows in my apartment, just so I could have free milk and you know what I am going to keep that milk in my big sized swimming pool thats in my bathroom oh yeah and I’m going to italy to for nine years, and I am going to live in a real live gingerbread house sooo thats what I am going to do soooo probably bigger than yours sooo what do you think of that Penelope.

Penelope: Well I just want to say that I just gave birth to seven baby cows today sooo, I have the bathroom in my apartment that has the ocean in it and I practise swimming in it because I already qualified for the next olympics sooo I’m in italy right now.. and I am made of gingerbread soo.. and when I was born I was a cartoon and I can turn invisible soo.

Lisa: You know what penelope that’s enough. This isn’t the way we do things around here. You kno what everybody why dont we just continue this meeting in my apartment. And I’m sorry to say Penelope but you’re not invited.

Penelope: Thats okay I’m busy anyway I have another meeting to go to sooo Oprah’s coming over sooo. I’m going to turn invisible now.

(Penelope turns invisible.)

Submitted by: Anthony Felon

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Molly Shannon: 05/12/07: The Sopranos

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 19

06s: Molly Shannon / Linkin Park

The Sopranos

Sally O’Malley….Molly Shannon
Tony Soprano….Darrell Hammond
Silvio Dante….Jason Sudeikis
Paulie Walnuts….Fred Armisen
Uncle Junior….Will Forte
Hitman….Bill Hader

[HBO Original Programming logo]

[The Sopranos]

[Opens with a view of the Bada-Bing strip club parkinglot. Dissolves to the inside of it. Young strippersare dancing on the stage. Tony Soprano is sitting nextto the stage. His crew is around him, Paulie standsnext to Tony and has a drink. Silvio is in a chairnearby. They talk with their goombah accents]

Tony Soprano: Ok, listen up you guys. I want to talk about that Miami job.

Paulie Walnuts: Hey, T. Did you ever watch that show “Lost”?

Tony Soprano: Zip it, Paulie. I don’t want to talkabout some stupid show. I want to talk about business.

Paulie Walnuts: I’m just saying, I don’t get thatshow. The fat guy only eats coconuts and doesn’t loseany weight. And what the hell is a polar bear doing ona tropical island?

Silvio Dante: It’s a very confusing show, T. I watchedthe entire dvd set and still don’t know what’s going on!

Tony Soprano: Freakin’ moron. That’s why they call it”Lost”. You’re not supposed to know what’s going on.Get back to work already.[Uncle Junior walks in kindof dazed] Oh, no. Uncle Junior, you’re supposed to bein a nuthouse. What are you doing here?

Uncle Junior: I don’t know what I’m doing here. I lostmy mind, remember? I think I came back to shoot youagain but I forgot my gun.[Holds up a banana]

Paulie Walnuts: Hey T., before we talk businessthere’s a new girl waiting to audition for the club.Lady, get out here! Move it! Come on.

[Strippers leave the stage. In comes Sally O’Malleywith her red outfit, her wild hair and purse]

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is SallyO’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m 50 years old. I’m notone of those gals that’s afraid to tell her real ageand I like to KICK![She kicks] , STRETCH![she stretchesalmost touching the floor] and KICK![kicks the airagain] I’M 50!! 50 years old, 50 years old.

Tony Soprano: What the hell am I looking at? Lady, nodisrespect but you’re not exactly what we’re looking for.

Sally O’Malley: Not so fast, sonny. Listen, I saw anad in the paper that said that you were looking forhookers that could cut a rug. So I put my redpants[sing-songs] cause I likes to dance![struts her stuff]

Uncle Junior: This is the best cruise ship I’ve ever been on.

Tony Soprano: Lady, thanks but no thanks.

Paulie Walnuts: Come on, T. She’s a nice lady, let herdance. She even brought her own music. Bobby! Start the music!

[Old timey-music plays. Sally hops around the poletwirling her index finger around, grabs the pole andsquats down 2 times]

Tony Soprano: Oh!, oh!, whoa! Stop the music![musicstops] Lady, you call that a sexy dance? You didn’teven took off your clothes.

Sally O’Malley: Look, anyone can strip but I was bornto strut. This lady train is coming down the tracks.Let me tell you, the caboose is a little loose but Ilike to KICK![kicks] , STRETCH![stretches] andKICK![kick] I’M 50!! 50 years old.

Paulie Walnuts: She can move pretty good, T. How oldyou think she is? 43? 44?

Tony Soprano: She said she’s 50!! Freakin’ moron!

Uncle Junior: You’re crazy. She’s not a day over 49.

Tony Soprano: Lady, have you ever given a lap dance?

Sally O’Malley: Sweetheart, I’ve done more laps thanSeabiscuit. Put me in the starting gate, watch me go,this jockey’s number is the big 5-0!

Tony Soprano: Lady,it’s a strip club. You plan onwearing those long pants when you’re dancing or what?

Sally O’Malley: You darn tootin’. The boys don’t standa chance on this dance pants.[Pulls pants up hard] Icall this outfit my desert rose cause it features thecamel toe.

Tony Soprano: Whoa!

[The crew is kind of turned off too]

Sally O’Malley: That right there is my half centurylady hump. My five decade delight.[Sally puts a footup in Tony’s head to show her very noticeable cameltoe] How do you like that, huh?

Tony Soprano: Enough![takes foot off head]

Sally O’Malley: That’s the way it goes. You got toshake it around,[she keeps pulling on her pants up andbends to the left and to the right, proud of her cameltoe] make sure it gets the proper amount of exercise.These old bones. 50 years old, 50 years old, 50 years old.

[Darrell is cracking up hard. He recovers.]

Tony Soprano: I’m not hiring a 50 year old broad!

Paulie Walnuts: T, didn’t you see? She can kick,stretch and kick.

Silvio Dante: And she also stretches in addition to the kicking.

Uncle Junior: How old you think she is?

Tony Soprano: The answer’s no! Lady, look I admit it,you got something special but I don’t think you can handle this place.

Sally O’Malley: I can handle this and I got moreexperience than the lot of you.

[2 hitmen enter through the stage holding guns]

Hitman: Fredo! We got a message from PhilLeotardo.[points the gun]

Sally O’Malley: No, you don’t cause I like toKICK[kicks hitman in the stomach, knocks himdown] STRETCH![she stretches] and KICK![kicks secondhitman in the groin, k.o’s him] I’M 50!! 50 YEARS OLD!!

[Scene of Sally on stage freezes and it becomes thebillboard outside the strip club. It says BADA-BINGpresents SALLY O’MALLEY]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts