Category: 2006

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party

Chris Graham…..Jason Sudeikis
Ted Trimble…..Peyton Manning
Mandy Jensen…..Amy Poehler

[ open on stock footage of a professional basketball game ]

Chris Graham V/O: I guess it must be March!

[ graphic: “ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party” appears onscreen ]

[ dissolve to Chris Graham and his guests seated behind a desk in the ESPN Studios ]

Chris Graham: Hello, everybody! And welcome to ESPN’s NCAA Tournament Pool Party! I’m Chris Graham! Now, take out your office pool sheets, Class — I’ve got your midterm grades right here! [ holds up a basketball pool sheet ] Some huge upsets in this tournament, and, unless you picked them, you’re looking at a D or C-minus. Not so with tonight’s guests — they did see those upsets coming, and that’s why, out of 25,000 contestants, they’re currently the top two leaders in ESPN’s National NCAA Tournament Pool. They are: [ show a grinning Ted Trimble ] Ted Trimble, sports writer for the Raleigh News & Observer; he also edits the weekly college basketball hotline, and is the author, with Dick Vitale, of “College Basketball: A to Z.” [ show smiling Mandy Jensen ] And Mandy Jensen, a recent graduate of Sweetbrier College, and currently a receptionist at the corporate headquarters of Teen Vogue Magazine. Incidentally, this is Mandy’s first NCAA Tournament Pool. Alright.

[ show stock footage of a professional basketbal game ]

Chris Graham: Last Sunday, USC stuns the tournament by beating Texas. A SHOCKER! But, TEd, you called it.

[ cut to Ted, then show his pool sheet with check marks around USC and Texas ]

Ted Trimble: Chris, I have said all year that USC played GREAT tracking defense. The very type of defense that’ll give Texas fits, and it did!

Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Mandy, you picked Texas to lose as well — what was your thinking?

Mandy Jensen: Um.. well.. first of all, Texas uniforms are orange.. so, right there, Texas and I have a BIG problem! [ smiles, laughs ]

Chris Graham: Uh-huh.

Mandy Jensen: This is not a tough call.

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a pink heart around USC and the notes “Orange” and “Hideous!!!” surrounding Texas ]

Chris Graham: I see.

Mandy Jensen: Texas, if you’re listening: We do Tangerine, we do Coral, but, I’m sorry, we do NOT do Orange!

Chris Graham: Okay. Another huge upset last week for virginia Commonwealth — an eleventh-seat beating sixth-seated Duke. Ted, how did you pick that?

[ show Ted’s pool sheet as he speaks ]

Ted Trimble: Chris, Duke could crush any other eleventh-seat, but, with VCU, it’s a tough match-up.

Chris Graham: Mmm-hmm. Alright, Mandy, you also had Duke losing.

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Oh, I would never pick Duke!

Chris Graham: Uh, why?

Mandy Jensen: Because, in college, I had a roommate named Duke — Catherine Duke. A total BITCH, and a WHORE. [ smiles awkwardly ] And I found out she’d been sleeping with, like, five of my boyfriends!

[ show college photo of Catherine Duke ]

Chris Graham: Well, that must have been devestating.

Mandy Jensen: I cried for a whole semester. Because of that, I HAD to go with Virginia Commonwealth the first round! [ smiles ]

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, complete with a caricature of Catherine Duke labeled “Huge Whore!!!!!” and a pink heart around VCU ]

Chris Graham: I can see that, I guess. [ awkwardly ] Well, you made the right call. Of course, nobody’s right all the time. Ted, last week, in an upset, Butler beat the heavily-favored Terps of Maryland.

Ted Trimble: I know.

Chris Graham: You picked Maryland.

Ted Trimble: I never imagined Maryland losing.

Chris Graham: Hmm. Well, don’t feel bad — nobody saw that coming. [ a beat ] Mandy, you saw that coming? How?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Uh, this was tough at first. But then I learned that Butler are the BULLDOGS! How cute is that!

Chris Graham: [ confused ] Uh, it is very cute.

Mandy Jensen: SO cute!

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with a pink heart around Butler and the words “Bulldog So Cute!!!” next to it ]

Chris Graham: So.. in this game, you went with Butler over Maryland — the right pick — because, in your analysis, Bulldogs are cuter than Terps?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly! I don’t know what Terps are, but NOTHING is cuter than a bulldog! Except turtles.

Chris Graham: Oh. [ smiles ] Well, actually, a Terp is a turtle.

Mandy Jensen: Seriously? [ smiles ] It’s a good thing I didn’t know that! [ laughs ]

Chris Graham: [ nods his head ] Uh-huh.

Mandy Jensen: Oh! But can I add something about Butler? Instead of the Bulldogs, they should be called the Miniature Bulldogs!

Chris Graham: [ thinking ] Because.. that would be even cuter?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] Exactly!

[ cut to Ted, who looks extremely pissed about Mandy’s sports logic ]

Chris Graham: In another First Round upset, Arizona losing to Purdue, and it wasn’t even close. Ted, you stumbled here as well, picking Arizona.

Ted Trimble: Arizona really let me down!

Chris Graham: Well, they always do. This year, Arizona was supposed to make the Elite Eight. Instead, once again, they turned out to be the Tournament’s Peyton Manning.

[ Ted shoots a confused glance at Chris ]

Ted Trimble: What do you mean?

Chris Graham: Well, you know how, every year, Arizons comes in with impressive stats and all the hype, and, every year, they.. fizzle out!

Ted Trimble: Yeah.. sure. But why is that a Peyton Manning?

Chris Graham: You know that expression.

Ted Trimble: No.

Mandy Jensen: Um.. it’s like — how do I put this? when someone has this great reputation, but you always wonder why, because, when it really counts, they can’t deliver?

Chris Graham: Exactly! Exactly!

Ted Trimble: Yeah, fine, but.. still — why a Peyton Manning? I don’t get it!

Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] I think you’re missing the point! Uh — basically, the point is: like the rest of us, you bought the Arizona hype, and, when they did their usual Peyton Manning, you got burned! But, hey — on this one, you’re hardly alone. Who thought Arizona would lose? [ turns to Mandy ] Mandy, you thought Arizona wouldlose. [ Mandy smiles ] Any particular reason? Such as, for example, a sports-related reason?

[ Ted waves his arm ]

Ted Trimble: Oh, let me guess. Because Arizona Tea is, like, so fattening, is that it?

Mandy Jensen: [ nods sheepishly ] That sounds right! Yep, that was it!

[ show Mandy’s pool sheet, with the words “Iced Tea: So Fattening!!” next to Arizona and a pink heart around Purdue ]

Chris Graham: Oh, good call, Ted! Uh, Mandy, just so you know — there’s no connection between the University of Arizona and Arizona Iced Tea.

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles, surprised ] Really? Well, I guess on this one, I was just lucky! [ laughs ]

Chris Graham: [ stares silently at the camera ] With 58 games played thus far, Ted is off to a blistering 56-and-2 start. [ Ted fumes ] While Mandy is at an equally impressive 58-and-0. [ Mandy smiles ] Mandy, as you know, the winner of this pool will receive tickets — LIFETIME tickets — to the Final Four. [ Ted looks to the sky and sighs ] Are you a big college hoops fan?

Mandy Jensen: Not really! [ smiles ] Um, I’m gonna donate them to a charity called Fighting Chance.

Chris Graham: Which is?

Mandy Jensen: It’s a shelter for cats that have been overfed!

Chris Graham: Good for you, Mandy. Good for you. We’re about out of time, but, before we go, let’s talk about tie-breakers. Although you hold a slight lead over Ted, of course he could still catch you, if those Mayland and Arizona picks don’t come back to bite him! [ chuckles ]

Ted Trimble: Hey, Chris: [ gives an obscene hand gesture ]

Chris Graham: Whoa! Hey! Hey!

Ted Trimble: And, by the way — Peyton Manning? He is a great quarterback.

Chris Graham: Sure. Whatever.

Mandy Jensen: Who’s Peyton Manning?

Ted Trimble: You’ve never heard of Peyton Manning?

Mandy Jensen: [ smiles ] No. I thought that was just an expression.

Ted Trimble: No, he plays for the Colts, and he IS amazing!

Mandy Jensen: Is he cute?

Chris Graham: [ chuckles ] Well! I think it’s safe to say you’d never hear of Peyton Manning described as “cute”!

Ted Trimble: I have!

Chris Graham: Yeah, well, whatever!

Ted Trimble: I HAVE!!

Chris Graham: Okay! I believe you. Geez!

Ted Trimble: You know what? [ stands ] I’m done here!

Chris Graham: What? What are you doing, Ted?

Ted Trimble: You know, this pool used to be FUN! Back when it was a pool for MEN! Men who knew something about SPORTS!! [ throws his lapel mike across the desk and storms off ]

Chris Graham: Oh, Ted! Come on! You’re still in this!! Don’t quit, Ted!! Don’t pull a Peyton Manning!!! You’re better than that, Ted!!!

Mandy Jensen: [ sheepishly ] Did I say something?

Chris Graham: No, no, it’s not you. He was like this with the Oscar Pool.

Mandy Jensen: Oh. [ smiles ] I WON THAT!!

Chris Graham: Hmm. [ to the camera ] Anyway, that’s it for us tonight.

Mandy Jensen: That is so FUNNY!!

Chris Graham: I’m Chris Graham. For everybody here at ESPN — so long!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

Coffee Chat

Husband…..Peyton Manning
Porch Sitter…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, suburban front porch, night ]

[ truck forward to Porch Sitter and her husband sitting on wicker furniture while sipping coffee ]

Porch Sitter: There’s nothing like a robust cup og joe after a big meal on Sunday night.

Husband: Mmm. I love this time of year. I can’t believe we’re sitting outside.

Porch Sitter: Spring has sprung!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: Mmm. You know, I ran into Judy today.

Husband: Really?

Porch Sitter: She was wearing invisible braces.

Husband: I hadn’t heard that.

Porch Sitter: Well, I say good for her.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: This coffee is so rich and DARK!

Husband: It’s Mexican.

Porch Sitter: Ooh.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: Mmm.

Husband: Mmm. Oh. I, uh, saw Rick at the park today.

Porch Sitter: Oh, really?

Husband: Yes. He said he was jogging, but, when I saw him, he was sitting on a bench.

Porch Sitter: Well, he did just have a heart attack.

Husband: He was stretching, and wearing very short shorts. I think I saw his butthole.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Well, that’s Rick for you!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: You know what I’m going to use to fertilize my garden?

Husband: Your own poop?

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] Yep!

[ they sip their coffee ]

Husband: Guess what Carl did for Janice’s birthday this year.

Porch Sitter: What?

Husband: He hung himself in their garage.

Porch Sitter: [ chuckles ] And you say we have problems!

[ they chuckle together and sip their coffee ]

Husband: Mmm. I walked around with a piece of sliced ham in my pants for the past couple of days, just to have my own secret.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles at him ]

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: I enjoy coffee.

Husband: Me, too.

[ they sip their coffee ]

Porch Sitter: I’m thinking about buying a bunch of baby clothes to dress up all our plants.

Husband: I slow-danced with the dog today.

Porch Sitter: [ smiles ] I have a pig’s vagina! [ a beat ] I love this porch.

Husband: Me, too.

[ truck back, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 16

06p: Peyton Manning / Carrie Underwood

United Way

…..Peyton Manning

[ open on slow pan across a group of kids ]

Announcer: Being a kid can be harder than it looks. Sometimes, it helps to have an adult around.

[ cut to Peyton Manning running to join the kids on a football field ]

Peyton Manning: Alright! Alright! Alright!

That’s why Peyton Manning takes time out to volunteer with local youth groups.

[ Peyton wraps the kids in a huddle ]

You guys ready to play some FOOTBALL?!!

Kids: YEAH!!!

Put your hands in! We’re gonna have fun, we’re gonna encourage each other — teamwork, on three! One, two, three!

All: TEAMWORK!!!

[ Peyton and the kids spread across the field ]

Announcer: Peyton uses football to teach valuable lessons of communication.

[ Peyton and the kids set up a play and go into action ]

Peyton Manning: [ yells toward kid running across the field ] Open! Get open!

[ Peyton hurls the football at the kid, hitting him in the back and knocking him to the grass ]

Peyton Manning: Get your head out of your ASS!! You SUCK!!

[ another play begins ]

Peyton Manning: Alright, let’s go! Let’s go! Get back IN here!! [ to the kid he just knocked down ] Except you. I can’t even look at you. You know what? Go sit in the Port-o-let for twenty minutes. [ the kids walks away, ashamed of his performance ] That’s right. Just STAY in there!

[ a new play begins — Peyton hurls the football at another kid’s stomach, knocking him to the grass as well ]

[ the first kid peeks out from inside the Port-o-let ]

Peyton Manning: Why is the door open? CLOSE the door!! [ the kid closes the door ] STAY in there!!

[ a new play begins — this time, Peyton hurls the football at a third kid’s head, knocking him to the grass, too. Peyton throws his arms in the air in exasperation. ]

Peyton Manning: [ talking to a fourth kid ] Okay, I’m sorry — do you want to lose? I throw, you watch. It’s NOT that hard! Okay? [ the kid nods ] Alright. Get the f–k out of here!

[ cut to Peyton and the kids standing over the body of the third kid, the one who was hit in the head with the football ]

Peyton Manning: I think he’s really hurt —

[ cut to Peyton reading an entertainment magazine to the kids, showing off the pictures of the latest kid adopted by Angelina Jolie ]

Announcer: There’s no substitute for the hands-on guidance a mentor can provide.

[ cut to Peyton showing the kids how to jimmy his way into a locked SUV ]

Peyton Manning: Then, if you just push it a little further, you should hear a little CLICK!

Boy: Why don’t we just use your key?

Peyton Manning: I told you — I forgot ’em. [ a siren from a cop car sounds ] Cops! Cops! [ starts running ] Everybody for himself!

[ cut to Peyton holding his belt in his hands, as a young boy clamps down on the belt with his teeth ]

Announcer: Just a few hours of Peyton’s time helps create childhood memories that will last a lifetime —

Peyton Manning: Just keep biting down. It’s looking good.

[ reveal that a tattoo artist is inking a head shot of Peyton Manning on the kid’s leg ]

Peyton Manning: That’s a handsome tattoo. Uh-huh. It’s gonna be there forever.

Announcer: — as well as skills for life. Such as: asseriveness —

[ show woman sitting on park bench, as a young girl runs toward her ]

Girl: Mommy! Mommy!

Peyton Manning: [ right behind the girl ] No, Sally! Mommy’s dead, remember? Don’t bother the pretty lady. [ the lady extends her hand ] Hi, I’m Peyton!

Announcer: — ethics —

[ show Peyton addressing the kids while clutching a beer bottle ]

Peyton Manning: Alright, I’ll KILL a snitch! I’m not saying I have, I’m not saying I haven’t. you know what I mean. [ shrugs ] Whatever. You’re getting on my f–king nerves.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: The NFL and the United Way. Spend time with your kids.. so Peyton Manning doesn’t.

[ cut back to Peyton addressing the kids ]

Peyton Manning: You kids all want to live with me in my mansion?

Kids: YEAHHH!!!!

Peyton Manning: Calm down, calm down. There’s no f–king way!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 14th, 2007

Shia LeBeouf

Avril Lavigne

None

Phil Hyms

Wally Feresten

Lorne Michaels

Alec Baldwin

Wings Of HopeSummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) and Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) speak out on Don Imus’ “nappy-headed hoes” slur.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton.

Montage

Shia LeBeouf’s MonologueSummary: Near-unknown Shia LeBeouf is ecstatic about hosting “Saturday Night Live”, but the glum cast members don’t share “The Kid”‘s enthusiasm.

Bio: Shia LeBeouf (1986-). Actor; starred on Disney Channel’s “EVen Stevens”, 2000-03; films include “Holes” (2003) and “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (2008).

Also Hosted: 07k.

The Hathaway Moustache Ride CompanySummary: The elegant history of moustache rides is traced back to the vision of their founder, Leonidas Hathaway (Alec Baldwin).

Prince ShowSummary: More eccentric behavior from Prince (Fred Armisen), as Tobey Maguire (Shia LeBeouf) is asked to sit on a giant cupcake and Nancy Grace (Amy Poehler) drawls on.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce Knowles, Tobey Maguire, Nancy Grace.

Under 21Summary: A group of underaged college students (Andy Samberg, Shia LeBeouf, Bill Hader, Will Forte) make clumsy ploys to buy cases of beer from a convenience store clerk (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

The Dakota Fanning ShowSummary: Brainy Dakota Fanning (Amy Poehler) mocks fellow child star guests Cole (Shia LeBeouf) and Dylan Sprouse (Andy Samberg), and her little sister, Elle Fanning (Avril Lavigne).

Recurring Characters: Dakota Fanning, Reggie Hudson, Catherine.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: In a spoof of a cliffhanger from “The O.C.”, “The Shooting” features multiple shootouts as Keith (Bill Hader) pens a letter to his sister (Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

Sofa KingSummary: Entrepreneuer Katir Mutar’s (Fred Armisen) sofas aren’t just great – they’re Sofa King great!

Avril Lavigne performs “Girlfriend”Also Performed: 02i, 03s.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Maya Rudolph interviews Howard K. Stern (Andy Samberg). Two gay guys from Connecticut (Fred Armisen, Bill Hader). Don Imus (Darrell Hammond) further incriminates himself.

Knife SalesmenSummary: Salesmen Blade P. Cutsworth (Will Forte) and Bernard Throttlehunt (Shia LeBeouf) goes to extremes to sell their knives to a housewife (Kristen Wiig), even if it means slicing off their own fingers.

Transcript

An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica SimpsonSummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another without barely saying a word.

Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.

Avril Lavigne performs “I Can Do Better”

Maya & ShiaSummary: With the discovery that their first names rhyme, Maya Rudolph attempts to seduce Shia LeBeouf in her dressing room.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

RoommatesSummary: Student (Shia LaBeouf) tries to get his fat roommates to stop eating his food by using Jared the Subway guy to scare them.

Target GreatlandSummary: Target clerk (Kristen Wiig)’s customers are scared away by cafe clerk’s (Shia LaBeouf) ghost stories.

Recurring Characters: Target clerk.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about his brother-in-law Roy.

An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica Simpson ISummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another in dead silence.

Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.

Movie PitchSummary: Shia LaBeouf makes a movie pitch.

Hardware StoreSummary: Shopper (Fred Armisen) makes a scene at the hardware store by dropping things on his penis.

Monkey BusinessSummary: Teenager (Shia LaBeouf) tries to get rid of the monkeys in his room.

An Intimate Moment with John Mayer & Jessica Simpson IIISummary: Pop stars Jessica Simpson (Kristen Wiig) and John Mayer (Bill Hader) express their love for one another with continued silence.

Recurring Characters: Jessica Simpson.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 17

06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne

Goodnights

…..Shia Lebouf

Shia Lebouf: I want to thank Avril Lavigne, and the BEST cast and crew in television! This week has been a dream come true! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 17

06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne

Knife Salesmen

Blade P. Cutsworth….Will Forte
Bernard Throttleland….Shia Lebouf
Melanie Ginsu….Kristen Wiig

[Opens with a man in a business suit and his youngprotegee in a shirt and tie standing on a porch. Manin the business suit knocks on the door.]

Blade P. Cutsworth: How are you doing Bernard?

Bernard: Well, I’m a little nervous, sir. It’s my first day.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Look don’t worry. You’re gonna dojust fine. Slice-Co is a wonderful product. This knife practically sells itself.

Bernard: I just want to do my best, sir.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. You will. Motivational work hug?

Bernard: Sure. Why not?

Blade P. Cutsworth: Great.

[Mr. Blade hugs Bernard just as a woman answers the door]

Bernard:[a little embarrassed]Oh, there she is. She’s right there.

Melanie Ginsu: Can I help you?

Blade P. Cutsworth: No, but we may be able to helpyou, ma’am.[ Mr.Blade closes her door.]I am Blade P.Cutsworth, not my legal name, and this is my protegeeBernard Throttleland. Ma’am, this is Bernard’s firstday on the job and you must know that I’m proud as apeacock to be standing next to him. But that’s anothertale for another day. We’re here to sell you someknives. Now, I’ll put you down for one thousandknives. Would you like to add on to that order?

Melanie Ginsu: Actually I’m pretty well set in the knife department.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. No, you’re not!

Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.

Blade P. Cutsworth: No, you’re not.

Melanie Ginsu: Yes, I am.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Are not

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard help me out here.

Blade and Bernard: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade and Bernard: Are not

Melanie Ginsu: Am too.

Blade and Bernard: Are not.

Melanie Ginsu: Am too

Blade P. Cutsworth: No you don’t! You need moreknives! You need a lot of knives! Every kitchen needs more knives!

Bernard: No!, no!, no!

Melanie Ginsu: I have plenty of knives!

[Talk over each other]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Hold on a minute! What the heckare we doing here? I mean we have a grade-A qualityknife to sell and you’re in obvious need for knives.

Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.

Melanie Ginsu: No, I don’t.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Yes, you do.

Melanie Ginsu: My husband is Ronald Ginsu. He is the inventor of the Ginsu knife.

[Bernard and Mr.Blade are caught off guard]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Hmmm, Bernard. Please demonstratethe blade on a frozen carrot for Ms. Ginsu.

Bernard: Yes, sir. Just a second there.

[Bernard sets up the demonstration table. Knives slam a little on the table]

Bernard: Behold the awesome power of the Santoku carrot knife.

[Chops carrot in half]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Shazzam!!

Bernard: Bam!!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!

Bernard: Bam!!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Zzam!!

Bernard: Wham!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Right?!

Melanie Ginsu: Sorry, I already got knives that cut through frozen carrot.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have one that can slice through a ream of paper? Bernard?

Bernard: Yep, behold the awesome power of the Slice-Copaper cleaver.[Cuts ream of paper in half] Ma’am!, ma’am!, ma’am!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Wham!, pow!, pow! What a tool!!!

Melanie Ginsu: I already have a paper cleaver.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver?

Melanie Ginsu: Yes.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a paper cleaver-cleaver-cleaver?

Melanie Ginsu: Look, I am Melanie Ginsu. I have like every knife in existence.

Blade P. Cutsworth: But do you have a knife that caneffortlessly cut through a grown man’s pinky finger?

Melanie Ginsu: Actually, I don’t.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, please effortlessly cut through your pinky finger.

[Bernard is freaking out]

Bernard: Oh, sir…

Melanie Ginsu: Well, the pinky finger is really not that tough of a bone to cut through.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s a good point! Bernard, please locate the thickest of your finger bones and effortlessly cut through that. That more to your liking, ma’am?

Melanie Ginsu: Well, I can’t promise a sell but I’m listening now.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, great! We have your attention now!

Bernard:[Scared] Ummm, sir. I’m not gonna cut off my finger.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ha,ha. One moment, please.

[Mr. Blade takes Bernard aside]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, what are you doing?

Bernard: But I need my fingers, sir!

Blade P. Cutsworth: For what?!

Bernard: For a lot of things!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Bernard, we almost have a friggin’sale, now effortlessly cut off your biggest finger!

Bernard: I can’t do it, sir!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Do I have to do everything myself??!! Give me the knife!

[Gets the knife]

Bernard: Oh, sir…

Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Mr. Blade cuts his thumb off on the demonstration table, jets of blood spurt from the wound]

Bernard: AAAAHHH!!!! OH, GOD!!

Blade P. Cutsworth: Look at that! Cuts right through the bone! Look at that!

Melanie Ginsu: Oh, my God! I will take two of those knives!

Blade P. Cutsworth: You hear that Bernard! 2 knives! That’s a double sale! Ma’am, that’ll be $13 dollars even! What do you think?!

[Blood keeps spurting. Staining with red everybody’s clothes]

Melanie Ginsu: Oh, no. I’m sorry, 13 dollars? I didn’t realize it was so expensive. I can’t buy those knives from you.

[Blood keeps flowing and spurting from Mr. Blade’s hand]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, that’s unfortunate.[Scratches his head, colors his face red with blood] 13…

Bernard: Sir, sir….

Blade P. Cutsworth: That’s unfortunate cause umm….it’s really starting to hurt!

[Mr. Blade, sucks his gaping wound, drinks blood from it like from a fountain. Shia almost cracks up]

Bernard: Sir, sir. I’m going to take off now. All right, sir. [Leaves]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, ok. [In excruciating pain]Nice working with you Bernard! Oh, ma’am. Could youpoint me in the direction of the nearest hospital?

Melanie Ginsu: Oh, sure. You’re gonna go down thisroad about two miles… [Blood is staining her clothes]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Go down there, two miles….[Points with his thumb less hand, blood flows]

Melanie Ginsu: Then you’re gonna take a quick rightand go down that road 150 miles….

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok…

Melanie Ginsu: And there’ll be a hospital on yourleft. But that’s been closed for years.

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oooh, so its abandoned.

Melanie Ginsu: Yes, its abandoned.

[Blood keeps flowing]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Oh, man. I do thank you for your time.

Melanie Ginsu: Ok, have a good day. [Goes inside]

Blade P. Cutsworth: Ok. Well at least I know that itcannot get any worse than this.

[Loud growling. A dog jumps on his leg and rips it off]

Blade P. Cutsworth: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Dog continues to rip Mr. Blade apart in a pool of blood]

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 17

06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne

Maya & Shia

…..Maya Rudolph
…..Shia Lebouf

[ open within the halls of Studio 8-H, outside of Maya Rudolph’s dressing room, as make-up people doll her up for the Goodnights. Shia Lebouf strolls past. ]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, Shia!

Shia Lebouf: [ stops ] Oh. Hey, Maya — hey, you know what I was just thinking? Our names rhyme.

Maya Rudolph: Hey, that’s right, they do! I never even thought about that!

Shia Lebouf: Yeah. Yeah, me neither.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah — I was lying. I really have thought about it — a lot. [ to the make-up people ] Beat it!

[ the make-up people exit her dressing room ]

Maya Rudolph: [ stands and wraps her arms around Shia’s shoulders ] Why don’t we go in my dressing room?

Shia Lebouf: But — but —

Maya Rudolph: Shh! Shh! Shhia! [ pulls him into her dimly-lit dressing room, where a fully-dressed table flanked with dinner awaits ] Have a seat, youngster. Come on — don’t be shy-a! Get it? I just made that up right now! [ tosses her hair back ]

Shia Lebouf: Oh. It’s pretty good.

Maya Rudolph: Actually, I was lying, Shia. I’ve had that joke for two weeks now — and I NAILED it!

Shia Lebouf: [ nervous ] Well, I should probably get back —

Maya Rudolph: [ places a drink in front of him ] Drinking? Good idea!

Shia Lebouf: I don’t really drink —

Maya Rudolph: Yeah? [ clinks their glasses ] Well, I do. [ sips her drink, then lets the glass crash to the floor. She stands immediately and begins to massage Shia’s shoulders with her elbows. ] Ohhhh, Shia! Oh, you make me feel so alive! Oh, you are something else, buster! Hey, you know what my favorite movie of yours is?

Shia Lebouf: Uh — is it “Holes”?

Maya Rudolph: [ nods ] Big time! [ walks across the room ] Hey, Lebouf — you like music?

Shia Lebouf: Uh — uh — yeah —

Maya Rudolph: [ as the music pots up ] You know what this song is?

Shia Lebouf: No.

Maya Rudolph: It’s called: [ recites a title in a high-pitched Japanese voice ] Mmm. You hungry? I could cook you something. [ lights up a cigarette ]

Shia Lebouf: Really? You have time to cook during the show?

Maya Rudolph: [ sits ] They know how important this is to me! [ picks up a bowl filled with an unidentifiable food product ] Here. Have a bite. [ feeds a bite to Shia ]

Shia Lebouf: Wow.. it’s pretty good.

Maya Rudolph: You like it?

Shia Lebouf: Yeah.

Maya Rudolph: It’s baked cereal! Ohh, Shia! [ rubs noses with him ] I’m very attracted to you! Have you guessed that yet?

Shia Lebouf: [ nervously ] I think I have —

Maya Rudolph: Good! [ with a high-pitched squeal: ] Ohhhhhh, SHI-AAAA!!! You make me feel like a SCHOOLGIRL again!! Can I propose something to you? After the show tonight, you.. and me.. private plane.. Mexico City!

Shia Lebouf: Um – hold on, hold on — [ spits out the baked cereal ] Let me just stop you right there. Alright? Maya, will you stop it right there?

Maya Rudolph: What, you don’t like it?

Shia Lebouf: You think you’re the first older woman to hit on me? Huh? Yuo don’t think this happens to Shia Lebouf all the time?

Maya Rudolph: [ shakes her head ] Shia, what is this? What are you saying?!

Shia Lebouf: Let me guess, huh? Yuo want to settle down somewhere, say some sleepy little Mexican fishing village where we get married and pop out a couple puppies, huh? WE’ll call the boy “Esteban.” And an old local man will take me under his wings and teach me how to fish, using only guacamole and.. [ holds up his hands] these. I’ll make a meager ten pesos a week catching gorato [?], while you sit on your FAT ASS all day eating cream cheese with a spoon!

Maya Rudolph: [ frantic ] But, Shia!! I don’t understand!!

Shia Lebouf: Let me TELL you something, woman — !!

[ a stagehand opens the door ]

Stagehand: Maya —

Maya Rudolph: [ throws a glass of wine at the open doorway ] GET OUT OF HERE!!! [ the stagehand shuts the door and shirks away ]

Shia Lebouf: [ laughs in spite of himself ] If you thought I’d go for this hairbrained scheme of yours.. then, you thought right. The answer.. is Yes. Whatever you say. I’ll see you later, Maya.. Lebouf. [ touches her chin, stands, and exits the room ]

Maya Rudolph: [ reaches her hand out toward his wake ] Adios.. mi amor.

[ the camera pans over to a reflection of the Andy Warhol-inspired prints of Maya-as-Versace, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 17

06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne

An SNL Digital Short: The Shooting

Keith…..Bill Hader
Dave…..Andy Samberg
Eric….Shia Lebouf
Police Officer 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Police Officer 2…..Fred Armisen
Sister….Kristen Wiig

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ dissolve to a close-up of a pen scribbling a message in a notebook ]

[ pull back to reveal Keith sitting on a sofa scribbling thie message, as Dave enters and sits to his side ]

Dave: Hey, man. What’cha doin’?

Keith: Nothing. Just, uh — writing a letter to my sister.

Dave: Cool.

Keith: It’s pretty crazy. I, uh — I haven’t seen her in years. It’s, uh — it’s weird, because —

[ a gunshot sounds, as we cut to a close-up of a pistol being held by Dave ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]
“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant well?
well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”

[ in slow-motion, Keith looks down at where he’s been shot and holds up his bloody fingers. Dave maintains his stance, as a surprised Keith turns his head in disbelief, then drops to the floor facefirst, with his wide-open eyes staring directly at the camera. ]

[ distraught, Dave drops the gun to the floor and begins gasping in an attempt to catch his breath ]

[ suddenly, Keith is pointing the gun, and fires a shot at Dave ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]
“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant well?
well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”

[ Dave reacts to the shot just as Keith did moments ago, and falls to the floor lying next to Keith. Both men are sprawled side-by-side on the carpet, the gun now just out of Keith’s reach. ]

[ Eric enters the room, laughing ]

Eric: Ha ha! Guys, I just thought of the funniest thing! —

[ the gun is fired again, this time being held by Dave ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]
“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant well?
well, of course you did
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s all for the best?
Ah, of course it is
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, what.. did.. she.. say?”

[ Eric reacts accordingly, holding his hands over his bloodied stomach, then drops to his knees and falls facefirst to the floor lying next to his buddies. Dave drops the gun and falls back on the floor again. ]

[ Keith’s sister enters the room, sees the three men spread dead across the carpet, then notics Keith’s notebook and begins to read it ]

Keith V/O: “Dear, Sister: By the time you read this –“

[ this time, Eric fires the shot ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]
“Mmm, what you say?
Mmmm, that you only meant –“

[ Keith’s sister slowly turns around in disbelief, as, suddenly, Dave fires a shot at her ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]
“Mmm, what you say?
Mmm –“

[ Keith’s sister reacts to this second shot, as, incredibly, Keith fires a shot at her as well ]

Soundtrack: [ “Hide and Seek”, by Imogen Heap ]
“Mmm, what you say? –“

[ the soundtrack begins to skip, as, in rapid succession, shots are fired by Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Dave, Keith, Eric, Keith, Dave, Eric, Keith, then Eric again ]

[ Keith’s sister finally falls facefirst to the floor, her eyes wide open and staring directly at the camera ]

[ police sirens sound in the background ]

[ a pair of police officers step over the bodies ]

Police Officer 1: [ whistles sharply ] We’ve goto urselves a bloodbath.

Police Officer 2: [ holding Keith’s notebook ] Hey, Sarge – listen to this: “Dear Sister: By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. This is how I think it’s gonna happen: Dave will shoot me, then I’ll shoot Dave, then Eric will enter and get shot by Dave. Then, you’ll come in and get shot by Eric, Dave, and I multiple times. Love: your brother, Keith.” [ chuckles ] “P.S.: Then two cops will read this letter and shoot each other.” Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve —

[ the soundtrack again skipa, as the two police officers repeatedly shoot one another and eventually fall facefirst onto the floor next to one another ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 17

06q: Shia LeBeouf / Avril Lavigne

Under 21

Businessman…..Andy Samberg
Factory Worker…..Shia LaBeouf
Cashier…..Kenan Thompson
Police…..Bill Hader
Burgler…..Will Forte

Businessman: [walking into a convenience store] Whoo! What a hard day at the office! How was your job at the factory?

Factory Worker: Hard and long. Long day down at the factory, where I’ve worked for years.

Businessman: How long has it been?

Factory Worker: Oh me, down at the factory? I’d have to say six, seven years.

Businessman: Since you were eighteen?

Factory Worker: That’s right, and I’m 24 now, so that makes six years down at the factory, working.

Businessman: Wow! [grabs case of beer from shelf] I’m still one year older than you, [hands case of beer to Factory Worker] so that makes me 25. [grabs another case of beer and starts walking up to the cashier with Factory Worker].

Factory Worker: We’re a couple of old timers. Hello, my man, looks like we’ll be having these two old cases of beer today.

Cashier: You guys got some I.D.?

Businessman: You bet. [starts looking in pockets, you know he is obviously faking it] Oh, shoot. I just remembered something. I was on the golf course this morning with some business associates and we were exchanging business cards and I must have given one of the guys my driver’s license by mistake. It’s a true story, or else how could I have these three business cards from real businesses? [fans out three cards in front of cashier’s face] I ask you that. [sets cards on counter]

Cashier: It’s not a problem as long as one of you guys has an I.D.

Factory Worker: Uh, that would be my department. [Starts rustling his pockets and pulls out wallet] Yeah, there it is, hold on just a second. I got it renewed a couple of days ago. Oh! It was here and now it’s gone. Oh shoot. I guess one of the kids must have stolen it again. They think it’s a toy.

Businessman: How old are those little guys now?

Factory Worker: Well, I got a 7, got a 6 year old, and I got a 3 year old. One of them must have gotten in my wallet and grabbed my I.D. [slaps Businessman’s shoulder] You know what, I bet it was Kevin.

Businessman: Oh, that Kevin! Always up to no good. Anyways, we should just get these beers and get on out of here.

Factory Worker: Yes indeed, time to settle up.

Businessman: Oh, do you need any smokes?

Factory Worker: Oh no, I got plenty of smokes at the other store where we were just at five minutes ago.

Businessman: Oh, where we bought the other cases of beer!

Factory Worker: That’s the one! Listen to us go on about all the cases of beer we buy all the time.

Businessman: So anyways, how much do we owe you, partner?

Cashier: Yeah, I still need to see some I.D. [pulls beer toward him]

[Police enters store]

Police: Good work, guy! You passed the test!

Cashier: What are you talking about?

Police: I’m Agent Parker with the ATF. Agent Ron Harris and Pat Richards here work for the ATF and we’ve been running sting operations trying to catch store clerks selling alcohol to underage kids.

Cashier: Well, I’m just doing my job.

Police: You wouldn’t believe how many store clerks don’t even check I.D. That’s why, on behalf of the ATF, I would like you to have this Certificate of Responsibility. [rolls out certificate] You can just hang this up anywhere. [hands certificate to cashier]

Factory Worker: Should we get going, guys? [starts pulling beer toward him]

Police: [puts hand on Factory Worker’s shoulder] Back to the ATF office.

Businessman: Yeah, but let’s first put this beer away since we won’t need it.

Factory Worker: Hey, look at that, it’s after 5. You guys up for a couple of beers?

Police: Well, I am off-duty, but how much for just the two cases?

Cashier: It’s 12 a case.

[Everyone starts nodding and looking in their pockets. They hand all of their money to Police and pool it up.]

Police: [puts money on counter] Here you go. And once again, thanks for being responsible.

Cashier: [pulls beer toward him] And I need to see some I.D.

Police: Of course.

[Burglar enters]

Burglar: Okay, this is a robbery.

Police, Businessman, and Factory Worker: [robotically] Oh no! A robbery! [they all hand over their wallets]

Factory Worker: Here, take my wallet!

Burglar: I just want this one wallet, thank you. [takes Police’s wallet and looks inside] Hmm, 24. You look younger, but this is a valid I.D. I used to work as a bouncer. See you later, suckers. [waves]

Businessman: Wow, that was close.

Police: I wish that robber hadn’t stolen my wallet. It had my I.D. in it, but now you know I’m 24, so…[takes beer]

Cashier: Yeah, I still need to see some I.D.

Businessman: How about this crisp 5 dollar bill for an I.D?

Cashier: Sold! See you guys back at the dorm. [High five]

Police: Whoo!

[all walk out]

Submitted by: Sophie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

Guest Writers:


April 21st, 2007

Scarlett Johansson

Bjork

None

Sen. Charles Schumer

Bryan Tucker

Chris Gethard
President Bush Press ConferenceSummary: On C-Span, President George W. Bush (Jason Sudeikis) tackles reporters’ questions about events surrounding the Alberto Gonzales resignation.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Bio: Charles Schumer (1950-). Politician; Senior Senator from New York since 1999; U.S. House of Representatives, 1981-99; led the effort to have Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resign after firing eight U.S. Attorneys.

Montage

Scarlett Johansson’s MonologueSummary: Scarlett Johansson and “Americna Idol” reject, Sanjaya (Andy Samberg), sing “Something to Talk About.”

Also Hosted: 05j.

Recurring Characters: Sanjaya.

Live! With Regis & KellySummary: Regis Philbin (Darrell Hammond) returns to the show, following his triple bypass surgery, and co-star Kelly Ripa (Amy Poehler) can’t wait to over-exert him during an interview with Ivanka Trump (Scarlett Johansson).

Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa.

Note: Regis Philbin will return to “Live!” on April 26th.

Mrs. HastingsSummary: Mrs. Hastings (Kenan Thompson) seeks a prom dress for her latest ghetto-acting stepdaughter (Scarlett Johansson).

Recurring Characters: Mrs. Hastings.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps affectionately about his brother-in-law Roy (Bryan Tucker), because “Roy Rules!”

Note: This Digital Short finally airs, after being cut from two of the last three dress rehearsals.

Transcript

Mike’s MarbleopolisSummary: In case chandeliers aren’t right for you, buy a marble column from Mike (Fred Armisen) to add that extra touch of class to your mundane daily activities.

Recurring Characters: Mike, Lexie.

Transcript

WIIX NewsSummary: Reporter Michelle Dison (Kristin Wiig) is back on the scene, and this time she’s strangely attracted to Bonnie Cox (Scarlett Johansson) during their interview.

Recurring Characters: Gil, Michelle Dison.

Transcript

Bjork performs “Earth Intruders”Also Performed: 97c.

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler once again ask “Really!?!” when Alberto Gonzales announces that he won’t be resigning as Attorney General. Will Forte performs a song for Earth Day, but focuses more on the movie “Battlefield Earth.”

Transcript

KuatosSummary: Friends think they’re going to announce an engagement, but lovers Danny (Bill Hader) and susan (Maya Rudolph) just want everyone to meet the Kuatos (Andy Samberg, Scarlett Johansson) who live in their stomachs.

Recurring Characters: Danny, Kuato, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

News MakersSummary: An embarrassed Jane Pauley (Kristen Wiig) reports on Internet celebrities who have gained recognition through their viral videos, such as Mini-Mall Guy (Kenan Thompson), Little Superstar (Fred Armisen), the Grape-Stomping Lady (Scarlett Johansson) and the Star Wars Kid (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Jane Pauley.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Torboto”, a robot singlehandedly fights the war on terror.

Bjork performs “Wanderlust”

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Two A-Holes at a Yoga ClassSummary: The Two A-Holes (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) join a yoga class.

Recurring Characters: Male A-Hole, Female A-Hole.

Attention ShoppersSummary: While shopping, a woman (Scarlett Johansson) runs into her ex-boyfriend, an employee at the supermarket who makes rude comments about her over the loudspeaker.

Hardware StoreSummary: Shopper (Fred Armisen) makes a scene at the hardware store by dropping things on his penis.

La Rivista Della Televisione con Vinny VedecciSummary: Fast-talking Italian talk show host Vinny Vedecci (Bill Hader) interviews Scarlett Johansson.

American Justice

SNL Transcripts