Category: 2009

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 14th, 2009

January Jones

Black Eyed Peas

None

Darrell Hammond

None

A Message from the Vice-President of the United StatesSummary: While President Obama is out of the country, Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis) plans to quickly solve the Health Care dilemma.

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Transcript

Montage

January Jones’ MonologueSummary: January Jones meets obsessed “Man Men” fans, the “Mad Mennies” (Jason, Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen).

Transcript

TodaySummary: While singing, Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) is assaulted by members of the Black Eyed Peas.

Recurring Characters: Kathy Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb.

Rear WindowSummary: While filming her first scene in an Alfred Hitchcock (Bobby Moynihan) movie, Grace Kelly (January Jones) can’t stop farting.

Recurring Characters: Alfred Hitchcock, Jimmy Stewart.

WIIX NewsSummary: Once again, reporter Michelle Dison (Kristeen Wiig) finds herself strangely attracted to the young woman (January Jones) she’s interviewing for a story.

Recurring Characters: Gil, Michaelle Dison.

Transcript

A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a PartySummary: In a 1952 short film, a housewife (January Jones) demonstrates proper party-throwing etiquette to make her husband (Bill Hader) look good in front of his peers.

Transcript

Black Eyed Peas perform “I Gotta Feeling”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Lou Dobbs (Darrell Hammond) uses racist rremarks to explain why he’s leaving CNN. Kim Kardeshian (Nasim Pedrad) can only talk about herself while attempting to discuss her sister’s celebrity-studded wedding. Jon Bovi (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte) sing lyrics instead of commenting on the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Recurring Characters: Lou Dobbs, Jon Bovi.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HydeSummary: Dr. Jekyll (Bill Hader) seeks more funding for his serum, which relunctantly turns him into a gay Mr. Hyde.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: No matter what room he enters, a guy (Fred Armisen) can’t avoid walking in on his roommate (Andy Samberg) while he’s on the toilet.

Transcript

Black Eyed Peas perform “Meet Me Halfway”

Cloud GazingSummary: Jason (Jason Sudeikis) tries to get romantic with Kelly (January Jones) while looking up at clouds, even though she clearly has no imagination skills.

Transcript

Goodnights/Black Eyed Peas perform “Boom Boom Pow”Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Glamour GirlSummary: A crisis breaks out, but superhero Glamour Girl (January Jones) is slow to react because she takes too much time getting herself put together.

The Cougar Denb>Summary: Jacqueline Seka (Kristen Wiig), and two new friends (Abby Elliott, Jenny Slate) interview a pair of airline stewardesses (January Jones, Fergie).

Recurring Characters: Jacqueline Seka, Kenneth.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and fellow emcee (January Jones) promote an under-underground rock festival.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak.

Note: This sketch would be tweaked and later performed on the episode hosted by Blake Lively.

Tyson ProductsSummary: Mike Tyson (Kenan Thompson) promotes his frozen dinner line to a hungry family.

Recurring Characters: Mike Tyson.

Huckler’s PopcornSummary: Spokeswomen (January Jones, Jenny Slate) pitch popcorn product.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

A Message from the Vice-President of the United States

Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Vice-Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a Message from the Vice-President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Joe Biden seated behind desk in the Oval Office ]

Joe Biden: Hey-o! Large and in charge! The President’s away, and Joe will play! [ he chuckles ] Now, as many of you know, on Thursday, the president embarked on an 8-day trip to Asia. So, for the next week, Joe’s running things!

Now, before the President left, we talked policy; mainly, the policy about the Oval Office, and how I’m not allowed in it. [ he chuckles ] So why am I here? Because Joe Biden follows his heart, not instructions. That’s right. And Joe’s got a big ol’ heart! That’s why I thought I would do something nice for the president! So, I’m gonna take one of the things — one of the major problems facing this administration — and fix it, before he gets back. Yep! Just knock it out!

Now, I know I have to keep it simple because I only have a week to fix something. So I narrowed it down to three choices: Afghanistan… the economy… or Health Care. I can get ONE of these done! Alright?

Now, let’s start with Afghanistan. I would love to fix what’s going on over there — I really would — but there’s one problem: Afghanistan is a MESS! [ he chuckles ] It can’t be fixed! Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s just a corrupt, barren, backwater hellhole of a place! I mean, it’s worse than Scranton! They’re not very good at democracy in Afghanistan. You know what they’re good at? Growing drugs. [ he chuckles ] Real good! Yeah, some people will say Afghanistan is getting better. Well, of course it is! It’s the worst place on earth! It can only GET better! Afghanistan’s a lot like the contestant on the first episode of “The Biggest Loser”! You know, just because it loses five pounds, doesn’t mean it’s suddenly Miss America. I mean, come on, she’s still a FAT GIRL! [ he chuckles ] Hey look, I’m just giving it to ya’ straight — Biden-style! That place is a mess!

Now, my second choice was to fix the economy. Now, the problem there is: we already did it! I said it once and I’ll say it again: The stimulus is working. Now I know that might be tough to swallow if you’re unemployed, but look at me! [ he waves his hand in front of his face ] The stimulus is working. Right now, there are THOUSANDS of new jobs being created every day across America. Foreclosure lawyers and repo men, temps and bankruptcy specialists. So don’t tell me no one’s hiring. The quality of the work force is improving, too. If you drive behind a Home Depot right now, you’ll find a bunch of guys back there ready to help you put in a new deck! You’re gonna find fellows with Master’s degrees, former professors, and accountants. I mean, it’s amazing. And it makes me proud to be an American.

That brings us to number three: Health Care! Now here’s something I can fix and here’s how we’re gonna do it: We’re gonna cave in like crazy. That’s right. The president wants to pass a health care bill SO BAD… that he will literally sign anything. [ he chuckles ] You could water it down however you like. As long as it’s a stack of paper with the words “Hhealth care” on it, HEY! He’ll sign it! [ he chuckles ] I mean, remember that public option that was such a big deal? Gone! Poof! What happened?

Now, there’s more! Let ol’ Joe run down the compromises we’re cool with:

First, to those Republicans who want the bill to protect doctors from medical malpractice suits, you win! We’ll agree to a provision that would make it ILLEGAL to ever sue a doctor, and I mean EVER! If you need a new arm and he puts a leg on there by mistake, sorry! Hey, it’s better than nothing! You’ll just have to walk back home sideways. Put it in there. We will sign it!

Some folks are mad as hell that this health care plan might cover illegal immigrants. Fine! Fine! We’ll do whatever it takes to appease you immigration hardliners. You want to make sure that no copies of the bill will be printed in Spanish? Okay! Heck, how about a provision that forbids the treatment of any children under three who have their ears pierced? Put it in! We’ll sign it! We gotta pass this puppy!

Now, a lot of you are concerned that this is gonna cost taxpayers billions of dollars. Don’t worry! Ol’ Joe’s got you covered. I’m gonna ask that the Senate bill include a middle class tax cut, which is ALWAYS popular with both Democrats and Republicans. Now, some of you out there are asking, “Joe, how are you gonna pay for a $1.2 trillion plan by cutting taxes?”

[ he pauses, as if considering a response, then continues without answering ]

Finally… because I know how important a bipartisan bill is to this president, I want to make an offer to the first Republican senator to come across the aisle and sign on to this bill. You can write one provision of your own in the bill and seal it in this envelope, right here. [ he holds up an envelope marked “CONFIDENTIAL” ] I promise I won’t show it to the president until after he signs the bill into law. It can be whatever you want. You want a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage? I don’t know, that’s fine. Maybe a national holiday for Kenny Chesney, or a law that makes it illegal to be Nancy Pelosi. Whatever! Sky’s the limit! The important thing is that, when the big man gets back, he focuses on how I got the bill passed, and not on who picked the locks in the Oval Office.

And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

Cloud Gazing

Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Kelly…..January Jones

[ open on couple lying down on the grass somewhere in San Francisco, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background ]

Jason: I’m so glad we did this.

Kelly: I know. It’s the perfect first date, with the perfect man.

Jason: [ he chuckles, as he gazes into the sky ] Look at all these clouds. It’s too bad we already ate — there might be a chance of meatballs!

Kelly: [ she laughs with him ] What?

Jason: Oh, uh, it’s… just a reference to that movie, “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”?

Kelly: Ohhh. That’s funny. Sorry, I haven’t seen a movie in a while. The last one I saw in the theater was probably… “The Wiz”?

Jason: [ incredulous ] “The Wiz”? Wow, that’s — you saw that in the theaters?

Kelly: Yeah, I “Wiz” not that into seeing movies! [ she laughs out loud at this joke ]

Jason: [ laughing ] Yeah… yeah… [ pointing ] Hey, look at that cloud. It’s like a sailboat, you know? You see, there’s the mast, and the sail, and the hull of the ship right there.

Kelly: [ looking ] Hmm… It doesn’t really look like a ship, it looks more like a… puffy, cloudy, cloud blob.

Jason: Yeah. Yeah, I mean that’s… more accurate, I guess. I just thought it might be more fun to, you know, use your imagination. You know? “Use your illusion”! [ he laughs ]

Kelly: [ laughing ] What?

Jason: Ah, that’s a Guns N’ Roses reference. I thought you might have listened to Guns N’ Roses growing up.

Kelly: Ohhhhh… that’s funny. That’s music, right? God, I can’t remember the last song I heard. Oh! It was “Muskrat Love”, by Captain & Tennille!

Jason: That’s the last song you heard?

Kelly: Well, it’s the last new song I heard. And, right now, I’m in “Muskrat Love” with these clouds! [ she laughs out loud at this joke ]

Jason: [ speechless ] Yeah. You’re very pretty. [ he chuckles ] Hey, what about that cloud? What do you think that looks like?

Kelly: A cottonball.

Jason: Anything else?

Kelly: A cottonball made of clouds.

Jason: That’s a little worse. you wanna try again?

Kelly: Two clouds!

Jason: Okay, we’ll stop there. Yeah, I was gonna say it looks like a T-Rex, you know? You see, there’s a head and a tail and two tiny arms?

Kelly: Yeah, but when they built dinosaurs, they didn’t use clouds.

Jason: [ he glances at her like she’s an idiot, then glances all around him ] Am I on “Punk’d”, or something?

Kelly: [ she laughs uproariously ] Yeah! Wait… what?

Jason: Uh — “Punk’d”. It’s a TV show. I don’t know why I thought you would get that.

Kelly: No… well, yeah, I’m not really up on my television.

Jason: Hmm.

Kelly: God, what was the last TV show I saw? Oh, right — it was the final episode of Trapper John, M.D.”

Jason: Really? “Trapper John, M.D.”?

Kelly: Yeah. Why? Is he your doctor?

Jason: No. No, he’s not even, uh — you know what? Why don’t we, uh, we’ll just be quiet for a while, just enjoy the scenery. Not even gonna worry about… talking.

Kelly: I guess I will keep my Trapper shut! [ she laughs out loud at this joke ]

Jason: [ laughing ] You are a very pretty, pretty woman!

[ they laugh together ]

Kelly: Thank you!

Jason: Oh, you’re welcome.

Kelly: [ pointing ] Oh, hey! What about that cloud? It looks like a sun.

Jason: Well, that is the sun.

Kelly: And what about those clouds? What do those clouds look like?

Jason: Uh, those ones flying? Those are birds. Yeah.

Kelly: And that tree?

Jason: [ having had enough ] Kelly, I’m gonna go!

Kelly: Well, why, why, why? I like this cloud game. And I like you. [ she rubs her face across his arm ] I like you a lot!

Jason: Yeah, I’m gonna go through with this. Okay, uh —

Kelly: Yay! [ she claps ]

Jason: Yeah.

Kelly: [ pointing ] Oh, and look — that cloud looks like a painting!

Jason: Oh,good! A painting of what?

Kelly: A cloud.

Jason: Right… right. Very good.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

WIIX News

Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Sarah Reynolds…..January Jones

[ open on anchorman Gil in the WIIX studio ]

Gil: Well, I can tell you ONE thing: No one loves the Main Street Basket Festival more than this guy! [ he points to himself and chuckles, then glances off-screen and shrugs ] And now, I’m happy to announce the return, once again, of one of our favorite correspondents. She took a leave of absence, but now she’s back and here she is — Michelle Dison. Good to see you, Michelle!

[ cut to Michelle Dison standing in front of a Dairy Queen ]

Michelle Dison: Thanks, Gil. It’s good to be back. Today, I am so excited to meet and introduce to you a real hometown hero. This Dairy Queen I’m standing on front of was held up at gunpoint, and if it wasn’t for the bravery of one DQ employee, that dangerous criminal would still be at large. Let’s meet her! Sarah Reynolds!

[ Sarah Reynolds awkwardly steps forward, giggling ]

Sarah Reynolds: Hi! Oh, my God! I can’t believe I’m on the television news! Hi, Nana! Hi, Aunt Pauline!

Michelle Dison: Wow! [ she holds her gaze on Sarah, then comes back to Earth ] Sorry. Uhh — I went somewhere! [ she laughs ] Um — uh — walk us through what happened today.

Sarah Reynolds: Yes, Ma’am. Uhhh — I was cleaning up a rainbow sprinkles spill, and, all of a sudden, a man in a ski mask BURST IN!

Michelle Dison: [ riveted ] Really?! Cool! [ she smiles ] You’re funny! [ she shakes her head ] Uh — I’m sorry. I, uh — I — I didn’t hear a word you said! [ she laughs ] I was, uh, staring at your mouth! I was looking at your lips. I — I didn’t hear you.

[ cut to Gil in the studio, holding his shaking head in his hands ]

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Um — j-j-just continue.

Sarah Reynolds: Anyway, he came up to me, pulled out a gun, and pushed it into my face.

Michelle Dison: Not your pretty face! [ she laughs ] I like it! Your face! FACE it! Let’s face it together! Let’s face each other in the dark! [ she laughs, then regains her composure ] I mean, uhh — if — if it’s dark, and I had your face, uh, I’d have to kiss myself! What am I — ? What I’m saying is, you have — you have good genes. And you have good jeans! [ she laughs ] You look good in your jeans! [ she laughs ] I mean, a lot of people do… but you — you do! I love jeans! I’m into jeans! I am into your jeans! [ she shakes her head ] No. I am not — I am not in your jeans now. Why — why would I be in your jeans? [ she laughs] Sorry, Gene!

[ cut to Gil ]

Gil: No, it’s Gil.

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Back to me — Michelle!

Sarah Reynolds: Uhh — so, he has a gun in my face, and I completely panicked! Completely —

Michelle Dison: I’m sorry — I just have to say, uhh — you could be in the movies! [ she laughs ] But just don’t move to L.A., that’s too far away from me! [ she laughs ] No, I mean, I — I don’t, uh — I don’t know you. You can move wherever you want! [ she laughs ] But if you did move, I would help you pack! [ she laughs ] And we could wear, uh, overalls with nothing under them! [ she laughs, and shakes her head ] No. not nothing. We could just wear… flesh-toned tanktops! so, uh — so it looks like nothing!

Sarah Reynolds: Flesh-toned tanktops? What?!

Michelle Dison: Uhh — you would look really good in a flesh-toned tanktop! [ she laughs ] Sorry. Uh — what’d you do next?

Sarah Reynolds: Uhh — well, without thinking, I just grabbed a hot crock of butterscotch dip, and I just FLUNG it in his face!

Michelle Dison: HEIGH-OHHHHHH!!! You smell good! [ she laughs ] A little breeze just brought some of your… scent my way. [ she laughs ] Are you, uh, are you wearing perfume?

Sarah Reynolds: No. Just a little… body oil?

Michelle Dison: [ she nods her head profusely ] Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[ cut to Gil, open-mouth stunned ]

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Okay.

Sarah Reynolds: Are you alright?

Michelle Dison: [ in a whisper ] Okay.

[ return to Gil ]

Gil: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, she’s fine! Look, I’m gonna, uh, I’m gonna jump in here! So, Sarah, you managed to dial 9-1-1 —

[ cut back to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: [ interrupting ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! You dial 9-1-1, the cops come, the bad guy’s in jail, you’re a hero — boom! You’re probably hungey! I’m famished! We’ve both had a rough day! [ she giggles ] One more question: uh, do you like Red Lobster?

Sarah Reynolds: [ confused ] What?

Michelle Dison: The restuarant. Red Lobster. [ she laughs ] I bet you do, ’cause you watch what you eat! [ she laughs ] You look like a mannequin! I’m gonna take clothes off of you! [ she laughs, then shakes her head ] No… no. Not off of you as a person. Just you… as a mannequin… would make clothes look so appealing, I would want that outfit off of you… for me… to have… on… myself. [ she laughs ] But you’re smaller than I am, so… I could just EAT YOU! [ she laughs ] You could fit inside me! Get inside me! [ she laughs ]

[ cut to Gil, staring wide-eyed while biting a pencil ]

[ return to Michelle ]

Michelle Dison: Uh — uh — uh — no, I’m not saying that — I mean, as a food. Uh — speaking of food, let’s hit it! [ she laughs ] Let’s hit the lob! [ she sings: ] “The Red Lo-o-o-o-ob!”

Sarah Reynolds: [ nervously ] Are we done?

Michelle Dison: I should tell you, uh — so we can talk about other things at dinner — I have had a rough half-year. Uh, short story short: My ex-husband left me again, this time for a haircut photographer. Uh, so I am not in the best place right now. [ she laughs ]

Sarah Reynolds: Well, you know, I think I’d better go, uh — Nana and Aunt Pauline, I’m coming home!

Michelle Dison: [ squealing ] And I’m gonna drive her! [ she laughs ] Let’s go together! [ singing ] “Get out of my dream, and get into my car!” [ she laughs ] Billy Ocean! Let’s go to the ocean! Or we could eat food from the ocean — at the Lob! [ she laughs ] Uh — again, that’s short for… The Red Lobster. [ she laughs ]

Sarah Reynolds: Michelle, I just gotta say… when that man put his gun in my face, that was the most freaked-out that I’ve ever been in my life — until I started talking to you. You too kthe worst day of my life, put it in a waffle cone, and dumped a bunch of creep sprinkles all over it. I hope you get some help.

[ Sarah exits the scene ]

Michelle Dison: [ glumly ] Gil?

Gil: Yep?

Michelle Dison: Uh — did that go okay?

Gil: No. Nothing about it did.

Michelle Dison: [ waving her arm ] Oh! There’s a bee! I’m allergic! Oh, my god! It went in my shirt! [ she screams as she whips her shirt off, revealing herself half-naked in her bra; she clumsily covers herself and tries to regain her composure ] Gil?

Gil: And there it is! Thanks, Michelle! See you in another… month.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

Goodnights

…..January Jones
…..Black Eyed Peas

January Jones: Thanks to Darrell Hammond, Lorne, cast and crew. I had a wonderful time, and, once again, The Black Eyed Peas.

[ the camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a Party

Marjorie Pettibone…..January Jones
Husband…..Bill Hader
Guests…..Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Abby Elliott, Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, Jenny Slate

[ title card: “A Lady’s Guide to Throwing a Party, with Marjorie Pettibone, Crown Instructional Films, Copyright 1952” ]

[ open on 50’s housewife Marjorie seated at her kitchen table ]

Marjorie Pettibone: Hello! I’m Marjorie Pettibone. Inthis modern age, a lady faces many challenges, none greater than hosting the perfect cocktail party.

[ cut to Marjorie standing in her kitchen, as her husband enters ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Party planning begins in the morning, when your husband tells you you are throwing one. This is great news! Before he goes, hand him his briefcase and newspaper.

[ she hands him these items and leans in for a kiss on the cheek that isn’t delivered ]

[ cut back to Marjorie seated and addressing the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: Avoid looking at the newspaper, as it may give you ideas.

[ cut to close-up of notepad, with list: “TO DO: 1. Make Food, 2. Mix Drinks, 3. Do Bust Exercises, 4. Shock Therapy” ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: There’s so much to do:

Hollow out a pineapple, and fill it with shrimp salad.

Make a 20-pound gelatin, and fill it with beef and marshmallows.

Whip up a fun Polynesian punch: 1 part maraschino cherries, 1 part fresh orange juice [ from a concentrate can ], and a dash of gin! [ an entire bottle of Beefeater is poured into the bowl ]

[ cut to Marjorie finally doing her bust exercises ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: There’s still time for a few quick buster exercises…

[ the doorbell rings ]

Marjorie Pettibone: [ she stops ] And the guests are here!

[ cut to Marjorie standing to greet each incoming guest, as her husband sits comfortably behind her with a drink in hand ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: A lady knows how to greet each individual guest in accordance with their social standing:

Greet men by the word “Mister”, followed by their full name.

Greet women by their husband’s name, or not at all.

Greet a divorced woman by her attorney’s name. Be sure to make note of the flaws in her figure and bust that brought about the divorce, so that you may learn from them.

Homosexuals should be addressed as “Missus, or “Miss”, depending on their age.

Address cats by their full name, but dogs AS “Mister” and then their dog name. Because cats are girls and dogs are boys.

When greeting a Jewish person, please bear in mind that, like Italians, they tend to speak with their hands. It is important to give them two arms’ length of ethnic distance so that they may complete their gestures.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: If a black person arrives… [ she shakes her head and laughs ] Just kidding. A black person won’t arrive. That’s an example of party humor.

[ cut to various examples of party interaction ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: The party is in full swing now, and everyone is having a gas. Nod and smile as your husband tells a humorous story. [ she smiles, despite the dirty gesture he makes regarding her anatomy ] There you go.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: After a few drinks, it is time to wake the children.

[ show Marjorie leading the kids around the room, to the delight of everyone there ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Put them in hats, and parade them once around the room in a single loop, and then the kids can go back to bed until the next party.

[ return to Marjorie alone in her kitchen, greeting the camera ]

Marjorie Pettibone: After a long night of smoking cigarettes and eating gelatin, you may feel the urge to visit the powder room. A lady does not do this while company is present. Wait until all your guests have gone home and the house has been cleaned, then you may go to the woods to relieve yourself. If it ends up being diarrhea, you must leave society and live in the woods as an animal. Never return.

[ show more scenes of party interaction, including Marjorie’s husband openly flirting with one of the female guests ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: The party is a grand success, and your husband is very happy. You’ve entertained your friends, and kept a cool head throughout.

[ cut to Marjorie smiling in the kitcehn as she lights a cigarette ]

Marjorie Pettibone V/O: Life is truly grand.

[ iris to end title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

January Jones’ Monologue

…..January Jones
Mad Mennies…..Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Fred Armisen
Joan…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — January Jones!

January Jones: Thank you! Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Most of you probably know me from the show “Mad Men”, where I plair — play the hilarious Betty Draper. [ barely audible smattering of applause ] “Mad Men” is about advertising exit — executives in the 1960’s, and, although we’re on a cable network, we still have a very loyal following.

[ three guys in the audience, dressed like Mad Men, stand up with lit cigarettes and Scotch glasses in their hands, chanting “Betty! Betty! Betty!”

January Jones: Aw. It’s our super fans. They’re called Mad Mennies.

Mad Mennies: [ simultaneously ] Hey! Hey! Hello! Martini? You want a cigarette?

January Jones: Mad Mennies are such fanatics, they dress up like the characters and memorize every episode. They’re like Trekkies.

Mad Mennie #1: [ chuckling heartily ] Trekkies are LOSERS who live with their parents and pretend they’re in SPACE!

Mad Mennie #2: Yeah! Weeee live with our parents and pretend we’re in advertising. MUCH cooler!

January Jones: Yeah. Well, I’m very flattered that you like the show so much.

Mad Mennie #3: What? Like it? We LOVE it!!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! That’s why we all learned how to SMOKE!

[ they clumsily puff their cigarettes and cough ]

January Jones: That’s very impressive.

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah, we, uh, even have a “Mad Men” drinking game!

Mad Mennie #2: We drink every time a character drinks.

Mad Mennie #3: Yeah, we never finish an episode, though — we’re always blacking out!

[ they laugh collectively ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! Do Betty for us!

Mad Mennie #2: Bo Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it!

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Do Betty!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Guys, I’m not gonna do Betty!

Mad Mennie #3: Do it! Say “Don.”

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah! Say “Don”!

Together: “Don!” Don!” “Don!”

January Jones: Fine. [ she lowers her head, then raises up her stone face ] “Don.”

[ the guys laugh with great pleasure, still chanting “Don!” “Don!” ]

Mad Mennie #1: Hey! That’s why you’re our favorite. Betty.

Mad Mennie #2: It’s Betty, all the way.

Mad Mennie #3: [ a beat ] I like Peggy.

[ Mad Mennie #2 gives Man Mennie #3 a dirty look for dissenting from group opinion ]

January Jones: Ah, me, too! [ she laughs ] Alright, gentlemen, thank you for coming —

Mad Mennie #3: Wait, wait, hold on! Wait a second! Let us at least sing you the, uh, them song, huh?

January Jones: But our theme song doesn’t have lyrics.

Mad Mennie #2: [ proudly ] We wrote lyrics!

Mad Mennie #3: Let us sing it for ya’, huh?

Mad Mennie #1: Come on! Please? Come on, Bets! Bets!

Mad Mennie #3: Come on!

Mad Mennie #1: Yeah? Alright!

[ the guys rush onto the stage ]

Mad Mennie #1: [ holding a card in front of January ] Here’s the words right here — oh! Wait, wait, wait! We need our Joan! Where’s Joanie?

[ suddenly, Joan sashays up the stage and balances herself next to the guys ]

Joan: I’m Joan!

January Jones: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know!

Mad Mennie #3: Okay, ready? 2! 3! 4!

Together: [ singing ]
“Mad Men! Mad Men!
60’s! Cigarettes!
Thin, tight, short hair!
Mad Men! Ma-a-a-ad men!”

January Jones: Wow! Thank you, Mad Mennies! [ to the audience ] We’ve got a great show — the Black Eyed Peas are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 6

09f: January Jones / Black Eyed Peas

An SNL Digital Short

Fred…..Fred Armisen
Andy…..Andy Samberg
Date…..Nasim Pedrad

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway of Fred and Andy’s apartment, as Fred makes his way toward the bathroom ]

[ Fred opens the door, only to find a stunned Andy sitting on the toilet holding a newspaper ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: [ cowering in embarrassment ] Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Andy: Get out of here! Close the door! Get out!

[ Fred quickly closes the bathroom door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? [ he knocks again ] Hello? Coming in. Anybody?

[ Fred keeps knocking, then, satisfied the bathroom is inoccupado, he opens the door ]

[ inside, Andy is seated on the toilet rocking out to the music on his headphones; he reacts to Fred’s intrusion ]

Andy: Dude! What are you doing?!

Fred: I knocked! I knocked!

Andy: I had HEADPHONES on!! Get out!!

[ Fred retreats and shuts the door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building, night ]

[ dissolve to Fred and his date walking down the hallway outside of his apartment, as he opens the door ]

Fred: This is my place.

Date: Cool!

[ they enter the apartment ]

Date: [ shocked ] Oh!

[ reveal Andy seated on a toilet in the living room, reading a newspaper, “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” playing in the background ]

Andy: Oh! No! Someone’s in here! Get out! Get ou-out!!

[ Fred and his retreat to the outer hallway and shut the door ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to Fred standing outside the elevator; he presses the button ]

[ the elevator doors open, revealing Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy: Get out of here!!

Fred: Sorry! [ he covers his eyes ]

Andy: Get ou-out!!

[ Andy presses the button to close the elevator doors ]

[ cut to exterior, gym, night ]

[ dissolve to Fred running on a treadmill ]

Andy: I said get out of here!!

[ reveal Andy seated on toilet at next treadmill over ]

Fred: Sorry…

Andy: come on, dude!

[ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, night ]

[ dissolve to front walk, as Fred steps out of the building ]

Andy’s Voice: Hey!!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated on toilet on the sidewalk ]

Andy: I’m out here!! Come on!!

[ Fred turns and re-enters the building ]

[ cut to exterior, 30 Rockefeller Center, day ]

[ dissolve to Fred walking down the hall, as he passes a monitor with an image of Andy seated on the toilet ]

Andy (on monitor): Someone’s in here!

Fred: [ confused ] What?

Andy (on monitor): Hey!

[ pan over to reveal Andy seated before videocamera a few feet down the hall ]

Andy: I said someone’s in here, man!

Fred: I’m sorry!

Andy: Go! Get out!

[ Fred retreats down the hall ]

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ dissolve to interior, hallway, as Fred stands in front of the bathroom door and knocks first ]

Fred: Anybody in there? Roomie? [ no answer ] I know you’re at work, so… you cannot be in there. I know I’m just talking to myself right now. [ he pushes the door open slowly, revealing no one inside ] You’re not in there, right? okay. Alright.

[ Fred enters the bathroom and shuts the door behind him ]

[ Fred turns his back to the toilet, drops his pants, and sits down — right onto Andy’s lap ]

Andy: DUDE!!

[ both guys begin to scream at the horror, as a full shot reveals Fred seated on Andy’s lap ]

Fred: I’m sorry!! I’m sorry!!

[ cut to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

November 21st, 2009

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Dave Matthews Band

None

Al Gore

Mindy Kaling

None

China Press ConferenceSummary: During press conference in China, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) manages to upset Chinese leader Hu Jintao (Will Forte) regarding money owed to his country.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Joseph Gordon Levitt’s MonologueSummary: Joseph Gordon-Levitt demonstrates his excitement by performing Donald O’Conner’s “Make ‘Em Laugh” routine from “Singin’ in the Rain”.

Transcript

Palin 2012Summary: In a recut movie trailer, the election of President Sarah Palin and Vice-President Glenn Beck brings about the end of days.

Transcript

Secret WordSummary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Gracin (Kristen Wiig) and Ricardo Gonzales (Joseph Gordon Levitt) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg raps about his insisted relationship with what he thinks is Reba McEntire (Kenan Thompson).

Transcript

Mellow ShowSummary: Jack Johnson (Andy Samberg) welcomes mellow guests Dave Matthews (Bill Hader) and Jason Mraz (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and not-as-mellow-as-advertised Ozzy Osbourne (Dave Matthews).

Recurring Characters: Jack Johnson, Dave Matthews, Ozzy Osbourne, Boyd Tinsley.

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Al Gore, Mindy Kaling, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham.

Dave Matthews Band performs “You & Me”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Fulfilling NBC’s “Green Week” platform, Al Gore outlines a more passive-aggressive, downright crazy, approach to spreading the world about global warming.

Transcript

Sarcastic Thanksgiving DinnerSummary: Nancy (Abby Elliott), her sons (Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Judith (Kristen Wiig) make sarcastic remarks to one another over a tense Thanksgiving dinner

Recurring Characters: Nancy, Judith, Phil.

Transcript

Woman to WomanSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Transcript

Dave Matthews Band performs “Shake Me Like A Monkey”

Say AnythingSummary: While trying to woo back Diane Court while holding a boombox outside her bedroom window, Lloyd Dobler (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) withstands questions and interruptions from her neighbors (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Glamour GirlSummary: A crisis breaks out, but superhero Glamour Girl (January Jones) is slow to react because she takes too much time getting herself put together.

He Likes You Danceb>Summary: A pair of attractive girls (Jenny Slate, Nasim Pedrad) gain the attention of two lovestruck men (Andy Samberg, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) in a bar who are doing a funny dance, and wonder what they might be thinking.

Kickspit Underground Rock FestivalSummary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote an under-underground rock festival.

Recurring Characters: DJ Super Soak, Lil Blaster.

Note: This sketch would later be performed on the episode hosted by Blake Lively.

Gator WorldSummary: The owner (Jason Sudeikis) of Gator World makes the audience sit through his kids singing about chickens.

Andy RooneySummary: Andy Rooney (Fred Armisen) opines about his favorite things.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Clancy T. Bachleratt and Jackie Snad Sing Songs about Spaceships, Lullabies & Jars of BeerSummary: Spokesman (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) touts the joint collaboration of patriotic country musicians Clancy T. Bachleratt (Will Forte) and Jackie Snad (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Clancy T. Bachleratt, Jackie Snad.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7

09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Palin 2012

[ card: “An SNL Movie Trailer Re-Cut” ]

[ a montage of ominous graphic images from “2012” ]

ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE

WE WERE WARNED…

THIS DAY WOULD COME

[ cut to Brian Williams delivering the Nightly News, with “Decision 2012” graphic ]

Brian Williams: Good evening, from Capitol Hill…

[ people stand before a chasm in the street ]

[ on TV, police control riots in London ]

Brian Williams V/O: What a day this has been…

[ Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio De Janeiro crumbles ]

[ cut back to Brian Williams on TV ]

Brian Williams: The nation has a new president…

[ birds fly into the sky ]

[ cut to a night group prayer vigil in the Vatican ]

[ cut to Sarah Palin, with SUPER: “BREAKING NEWS: PRESIDENT-ELECT SARAH PALIN” ]

Voice: SARAH PALIN!!

Sarah Palin: Thank you so much!

[ the United States Capitol Rotunda falls onto the crowd below ]

[ explosions! ]

[ tidal waves! ]

[ destruction! ]

[ mayhem! ]

[ oh, my! ]

Monk: [ in subtitles ] But she’s unqualified…

THE DNC PRESENTS

FROM THE MIND OF KEITH OLBERMANN

Hillary Clinton: People are scared…

A POLITICAL DISASTER

OF EPIC PROPORTIONS

Sarah Palin: I don’t know what I’m gonna be doing in 2012…

[ a city collapses into the sea ]

[ cut to Sarah Palin on TV ]

Sarah Palin: As for my running-mate…

[ intercuts of people turning to look with worry ]

Sarah Palin: It was an honor to stand beside a true American hero.

[ cut to Glenn Beck crying, with SUPER: “Vice President Glenn Beck” ]

Glenn Beck: [ sniffing ] I’m sorry… I’m just a guy who cares an awful lot about my country.

[ cut to man fleeing in his car ]

Man: Holy sh–

[ roads explode ]

Sarah Palin: Thanks, but no thanks, on that Bridge to Nowhere…

[ a fireball strikes an Obama campaign van ]

ON ELECTION DAY 2012

PLANET EARTH

[ the Washington Monument cracks in half ]

IS GOING ROGUE

[ a tidal wave strikes the White House and crushes it to bits ]

“PALIN 2012”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts