[ dissolve to drawing of the word “UPS”, as Andy Azula enters frame ]
Andy Azula: Alright, you have to admit: these ads, which were so strange to you at first, are starting to become a part of your daily routine — like your morning cup of coffee!
[ he contorts the “U” into a coffee cup ]
Or a, uh — or a stick figure.
[ he contorts the “P” into a stick figure ]
Or a — [ he taps his marker in frustration ] I don’t know, a snake. Don’t worry, we won’t stop making them. In fact, we’ll make — ] he draws a “1-0-0-0” ] ONE-THOUSAND of them! Which makes me — [ he contorts the “1” into a king ] King of the Ads. And you — [ he contorts the “0”s into stick figures ] my subjects. And there’s only one rule in this kingdom: everyone wears a lady wig. [ he draws long hair on the stick figures ] Mmm. Looks like this king’s got three hot ladies! I’m gonna have sex with them! [ he adds a line to the bottom half of his stick figure ]
[ dissolve to slogan: “WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?” ]
Wolf Blitzer…..Jason Sudeikis Tiger Woods…..Kenan Thompson Elin…..Blake Lively
[ open on program graphics ]
[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer on set ]
Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to the Situation Room. BIG development in the Tiger Woods drama. First, the mystery exit at his Florida home. Then, the acknowledgement of some personal failings on his web site. And now, finally, Woods addresses the media, in person, outside his home. [ mumbling ] Let’s go there, live.
[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media ]
Tiger Woods: I, uh — I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. Look, I’m not perfect — I’m, uh, far short from perfect.
Elin Nordegren: Ya!
Tiger Woods: Uh — I will strive to be a better person, and, uh, the father my family deserves.
Elin Nordegren: Ya, you vill!
Tiger Woods: For all of those, uh, who have supported me over the years, I offer my profund apology for the multiple transgressions.
Elin Nordegren: “Multiple”? So, it happened more than vonce?
Tiger Woods: [ realizes his error ] Did — did I say multiple? Because —
[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ]
[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: This just in, Tiger Woods is BACK in the hospital. Apparently, just HOURS after a press conference, where he confessed to MULTIPLE transgressions. Woods had an accident in his home, where he fell down a flight of stairs, then inadvertently threw himself through a plate glass window. Woods has JUST been released, and he is about to give a statement to the press. [ mumbling ] Let’s go there, live!
[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods has a broken arm, and his wife holds and strokes a golf club ]
Tiger Woods: Wow, uh — wow! I’ve, uh, been really clumsy this week! So, uh, right after that LAST press conference, I was, uh, in my home, having a chat with my lovely… deceptively strong wife, Elin, when I guess I wasn’t looking where I was going, and I fell down the stairs! I was, uh, disoriented from the fall, so I stumbled to the other side of our house, and I — I LAUNCHED myself through a plate glass window!
Elin Nordegren: [ smiling happily ] Ya! This is vhat happened!
Tiger Woods: I’m just lucky my wife, Elin, was there to courageously call 911. I am so GLAD to have her! I love her so much! There is no other woman for me.
[ suddenly, his cellphone rings ]
Elin Nordegren: Who’s that?
Tiger Woods: Huh? What?
[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ]
[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: Tiger Woods, BACK in the hospital after being ACCIDENTALLY hit by his OWN car! An INCREDIBLE development in an AMAZING story! Just a BAD week, for the world’s GREATEST golfer! Questions linger. HOW… did this… happen? WE go now, LIVE [ he mumbles incoherently ]
[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods now has a tire skid mark across his chest, as his wife holds a golf club over her shoulder ]
Tiger Woods: [ nervously ] Oh, boy! Talk about a case of the Mondays! [ he and his wife laugh ] You know, this is all my fault! Uh — believe it or not, I actaully ran over myself! Uh — luckily, my POWERFUL… Nordic-blooded wife, was in the passenger seat. The passenger seat. She jumped in the driver’s seat to put on the brakes and RESCUE me! [ he turns to Elin ] Is that right?
Elin Nordegren: Ya, that works.
Tiger Woods: I just want to say that this is not Cadillac’s fault. They’re a fine company. I guess one good thing about this is that I can get rid of this old thing, and get a NEW model! [ he laughs nervously ]
[ Elin catches his meaning, and shoots a dirty look ]
Tiger Woods: I-I didn’t mean…
[ cut to “BREAKING NEWS” graphic ]
[ dissolve to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: Well, you guessed it: Tiger Woods BACK in the hospital! Let’s check in with the perpetually unlucky golfer once again [ mumbling ] Ouuuutsiiide hiiiiss Florrrridaaaa hooooome!
[ cut to Woods and his wife addressing the media. Woods now has a gold club bent over his head. ]
Tiger Woods: Uh — uh — seems like I keep saying the wrong thing in these press conferences. [ he laughs ] So, uh, this time I have a prepared written statement, which I shall stick to. [ he lifts up a paper, with the words “HELP ME” scrawled on the back side ] Uh — “Earlier today, I had an unfortunate incident with my golf clubs.” [ he flips the paper to revealed the words “I’M SCARED” scrawled on the back side ] “I was putting them away in the closet, and one of them dropped on top of me.” [ he flips the paper to revealed the words SHE IS SO STRONG” scrawled on the back side ] “Luckily, my wife, Elin, was there to hand me the phone so I could call the paramedics.”
[ suddenly, Elin noticed the scrawlings on the papers ]
Elin Nordegren: Hey! Let me see those papers!
Tiger Woods: [ nervously ] What, these papers?
Elin Nordegren: Ya!
[ Woods throws the papers at her and makes a run for it ]
[ return to Wolf Blitzer ]
Wolf Blitzer: There you have it. An apologetic and terrified Tiger Woods. Coming up next: Which of these pets may be a household hazard? [ image of a cat, dog, and bear ] Here, on CNN!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 35: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 12th, 2009 Taylor Lautner Bon Jovi None None None
The Other AffairsSummary: Governor Mark Sanford (Jason Sudeikis), Sen. John Ensign (Bill Hader), and former senator John Edwards (Will Forte) are annoyed that Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs have superseded their own in the eyes of the media. Recurring Characters: John Edwards. Transcript
Montage
Taylor Lautner’s MonologueSummary: Taylor Lautner defends girlfriend Taylor Swift’s honor by beating up a cardboard cutout of Kanye West. Recurring Characters: Reba McEntire. Transcript
Rose Bowl PromoSummary: Backup backup quarterback Phil Pomeroy (Taylor Lautner) is a bundle of nerves while trying to pose for the camera during a Rose Bowl promo.
SurpriseSummary: Alex (Taylor Lautner) and Ashley (Abby Elliott) want to surprise her parents (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) with news of their pregnancy, but can Aunt Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise? Recurring Characters: Sue.
PGA Tour ISummary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) struggles to make his organization relevent following Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf. Transcript
Show Choir AssemblySummary: Student heckler (Andy Samberg) ruins a forced performance by the Northeast Middle School’s Sparkle Players (Abby Elliott, Kenan Thompson, Taylor Lautner, Jenny Slate). Transcript
PGA Tour IISummary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) tries to apply desperate quick-fix solutions like sexy caddies in the wake of Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf. Transcript
Bon Jovi performs “Superman Tonight”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Tiger Woods’ Mistress Number 15 (Nasim Pedrad) justifies her participation in his infidelity streak. Native American comedian Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) goes over the heads of the audience with his cultural references. Recurring Characters: Billy Smith. Transcript
Twilight DebateSummary: Science teacher (Bill Hader) makes Mariana (Taylor Lautner) and Ellie (Abby Elliott) settle their “Twilight” differences once and for all, in the battle between Team Edward and Team Jacob. Transcript
PGA Tour IIISummary: A drunken PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) is on suicide watch now that there’s no golf superstars left. Transcript
Eternal Spark of LoveSummary: (Kenan Thompson) monitors budding romance between (Taylor Lautner) and (Abby Elliott).
Bon Jovi performs “When We Were Beautiful”
Doorbells And MoreSummary: Tina Tina Cheneuse (Jenny Slate) displays a variety of talking doorbells. Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Mani-manimalSummary: Student (Taylor Lautner) can’t stop morphing into other animals after being bitten by radioactive animals.
Dad ZoneSummary: Celebrity dads discuss how they want to raise their famous children.
VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Taylor Lautner) still greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses. Recurring Characters: Vogelchecks. Note: This sketch will air on the next episode hosted by James Franco.
Violent MonkeysSummary: Taylor Lautner is forces to act alongside violent monkeys.
Gov. Mark Sanford…..Jason Sudeikis Sen. John Ensign…..Bill Hader John Edwards…..Will Forte
Announcer: [ over C-SPAN title card ] Next on C-Span, Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina, Senator John Ensign of Nevada, and former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina held a press conference earlier today to criticize the news media’s excessive coverage of golfer Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs.
[ dissolve to the three men standing jointly behind a podium ]
Gov. Mark Sanford: Good afternoon. I’m South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. With me is Senator John Ensign of Nevada —
Sen. John Ensign: Hello.
Gov. Mark Sanford: And our good friend, former Senator John Edwards of North Carolina.
John Edwards: Hi!
Gov. Mark Sanford: The three of us are here today because there’s something very wrong going on in this country, and we can no longer keep silent about it. Over the last two weeks, our national media has engaged in an ORGY of coverage of professional golfer Tiger Woods and his alleged extramarital affairs. The coverage has been excessive, it has been lurid, and it has completely overshadowed coverage of OUR extramarital affairs.
Sen. John Ensign: Like Tiger Woods, we have broken our marriage vows. But, in addition, as officeholders, we have also violated the public’s trust. That’s a pretty big deal. Yet it seems the media couldn’t care less.
Gov. Mark Sanford: With us, there’s been practically no coverage. It is a clear double standard!
Sen. John Ensign: Where’s the outrage? We’re still in office!
John Edwards: Mmm-hmm. I had a love child.
Gov. Mark Sanford: It’s not as though our affairs weren’t messy. I mean, for example: When I went to visit my girlfriend, I had a really preposterous cover story about hiking the Appalachian Trail. Tiger didn’t even bother to think of one!
Sen. John Ensign: Unlike Tiger’s girlfriends, my girlfriend was married! That’s pretty bad!
John Edwards: Again: I had a LOVE CHILD!
Gov. Mark Sanford: But the press barely covers us! My wife just filed for divorce! Try finding that in the papers!
Sen. John Ensign: I paid hush money to my ex-girlfriend’s husband.
John Edwards: Eh-excuse me, maybe I wasn’t clear… but I had a love child! An illegitimate, out of wedlock, parents not married, baby bastard love child! I mean, don’t you people care? God almighty!
Sen. John Ensign: Now, the media will say, “But Tiger had a HUGE number of girlfriends — twelve or fifteen or whatever — while each us had only one.
Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. That you KNOW of.
John Edwards: Bingo!
Sen. John Ensign: Exactly. The evidence of our other affairs is out there if the media would bother to look!
Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. Now, why this clear double-standard? Is it perhaps racial? The fact that we’re white men and Tiger Woods is — I guess, um — Black, Asian, Polynesian, Cherokee?
John Edwards: Isn’t he Puerto Rican?
Sen. John Ensign: I thought Dominican.
Gov. Mark Sanford: No, no, he’s not Dominican. You’re thinking of A-Rod.
John Edwards: Oh, A-Rod is DEFINITELY Puerto Rican!
Sen. John Ensign: I do believe you’re mistaken.
Gov. Mark Sanford: Well, in any event, we pray this isn’t about race. Our nation has seen too much of that.
Sen. John Ensign: If I may, let me make a point here. Many of Tiger’s girlfriends were meaningless one night stands. He barely spent any time with them. Certainly not enough to affect his work, unlike us.
Gov. Mark Sanford: Yeah, that’s right! My girlfriend lived in Argentina! And I was down there ALL the time! And that is a LONG way from South Carolina! No wonder my state is a fiscal disaster! The fact that it took the media so long to notice really says something about their priorities.
John Edwards: Apparently, ONE love child isn’t interesting enough. You know? I guess it has to be triplets!
Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. All right, well, I can see that only one reporter actually showed up to this press conference, and he now appears to be wandering away.
Sen. John Ensign: Which in itself says a great deal about the point we’re making here today.
Gov. Mark Sanford: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Sen. John Ensign: So, John, do you have anything to add?
John Edwards: Well, just this: There’s a sex tape of me and my girlfriend with a non-sex cameo by our love child! Not that you would know it from The New York Times!
Gov. Mark Sanford: Unbelievable. Anyway, they’re signaling to us that they need the room. So we’ll just close here by saying today, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[A sign is shown outside of a school stating that the North East Middle School is having a show choir assembly.]
[The auditorium of the school is shown. The principal is on stage trying to quiet booing students while four embarrassed performers clad in green and red stand up on stage.]
Principal: OK, settle down people! Everyone needs to calm down! People! I have to say, in all my years as a principal, [he watches a paper airplane fly by] I have never seen such an immature outburst. Okay? The North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir has worked extremely hard on their Christmas show, “Jingle Jingle Jam,” to put you all in the holiday spirit, and you people are acting like a bunch of animals! And I can promise that Dana, Rachel, Joyce, and Meekash do not appreciate that. Okay? Now, I know all of them want to finish this show.
[The four shy and embarrassed performers disagree with their principal’s assumption.]
Principal: Nooo, we are going to let the Sparkle players finish their “Jingle Jam,” and you are all going to pay attention whether you like it or not.
[The audience groans in disapproval.]
Principal: Yeah! Yeah! Now, without further ado, let’s welcome again the North East Middle School Sparkle Players Show Choir!
[The four performers awkwardly start their number.]
All four performers: [to the tune of “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”] We wish you a Merry Christmas, and a funky new year!
Trevor: Shut up!
[The four performers start to dance.]
All four performers: [singing] Well, we’re rapping out lyrics, we’re rapping out lines, we’re rapping out presents at Christmas time.
Dana: [singing] We’ve got Meekash on the scissors –
Joyce: [singing] – and Dana on the bow! –
Rachel: [singing] – now all that we’re missing are the –
All four performers: [singing] – ho, ho, ho’s!
[Joyce goes to grab a microphone and comes back. The audience is booing the whole time.]
Joyce: [singing] When I say Christmas, you say rap! Christmas –
Trevor: Lame!
Joyce: [singing] – Christmas!
Trevor: This sucks!
[Dana, Rachel, and Meekash continue to dance awkwardly. Meekash then begins to separate himself from the group and dance in a funny manner.]
Dana and Rachel: [singing] Go Meekash! Go Meekash!
[Joyce enters the picture and cheers Meekash on as well.]
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: Go Meekash!
[The three continue to dance awkwardly in the background as Meekash’s begins his number.]
Meekash: [singing in a heavy foreign accent] Sinter Claus get down! Sinter Claus get down! Get down my chimney- [a basketball is thrown and it hits Mikash in the stomach] – ow! Yeah!
Trevor: It’s Santa Claus!
[The principal comes back up on stage.]
Principal: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Who threw that? Get up here right now!
[The kid in the audience causing the trouble comes up on stage with a goofy grin on his face.]
Principal: Now, Trevor, I- I- I- don’t know what you think is so funny, but no one is leaving this entire show until this entire show is finished. Okay? So let’s just get all of those laughs out right now. [sarcastically] Ha ha ha ha, Meekash has a weird accent. [Trevor laughs along.] [sarcastically] Yeah! Ha ha ha ha, and he said- he said- “Sinter Claus” instead of “Santa Claus.”
Trevor: Ha ha, Sinter Claus! Yeah! [He gestures towards his buddies in the audience.]
Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha. Dana has a girl’s name, even though he’s a boy.
[Dana has a rather disgusted look on his face.]
Trevor: Ha ha ha!
Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha ha, yeah. That’s hilarious. Their show is bad. Ha ha ha.
Trevor: Ha ha ha! Yeah!
Principal: Ha ha, yeah, ha ha. Great, it’s all out. Now you sit down.
Trevor: Right! [He makes the shaka sign, sticking out the thumb and pinky on both hands, as he goes to sit down.]
Principal: Alright, let’s get on with the show. Sparkle players, take it away.
Dana: Do we have to?!
Principal: Yes.
Meekash: Awww.
[Rachel leaves the stage as rock music begins to play.]
Joyce, Dana, and Meekash: [singing] Shabba labba do wop, shalom shalom. Well, It’s a rock and roll Hanukkah, rock and roll Hanukkah, gonna rock it out for eight days and nights. A rock and roll Hanukkah, rock and roll Hanukkah, spin that dradle and light the lights.
Trevor: No!
Dana: Take it away, Haunkkah Elvis!
[Rachel enters with an Elvis wig and white jacket.]
Trevor: Weird!
Rachel: [singing in an Elvis accent to the tune of “All Shook Up.”] Uh huh, huuuhhhh, Hanukkah Elvis!
Trevor: This is gay!
[The principal comes back yet again.]
Principal: Okay, okay, Trevor, get up here right now. Get up here.
[Trevor hops back up on stage with a huge grin on his face. He’s gesturing happily to his buddies in the audience.]
Principal: [He brings Rachel/Elvis forward.] Okay. [to Trevor] Now, I want you to repeat what you just said straight to Hanukkah Elvis’s face.
Rachel: No, Stu, that’s okay.
Principal: No, it’s not okay. [to Trevor] Repeat what you just said.
Trevor: [clears throat] THIS IS GAY!!! [He sticks his tongue out and makes the shaka sign again. Rachel is hurt by these words.]
Principal: [sarcastically] Ha ha. [to Rachel] Okay, okay, Rachel, are you gay?
Rachel: No.
Principal: Okay. Joyce, are you gay?
Joyce: [shaking her head sadly] No.
Principal: Okay. Meekash, are you gay?
Meekash: Yes.
Principal: Okay, wait. Meekash, you think gay means happy?
Meekash: Yes.
Principal: So you’re happy?
Meekash: No.
Principal: Okay, then why did you just say ‘yes’?
Meekash: Umm…because I got nervous.
Principal: Okay. [Stammering] L-l-look, let’s just get through this, okay?
[Trevor jumps towards Rachel, who is frightened. Trevor hops off stage.]
Principal: Oh, and guess what? Everyone is getting detention. Yeah! Ha ha! [The audience boos.] Everyone! Yeah!
Trevor: I’m going to kill you Meekash!
Principal: Oh! Trevor, you get back up here! Get back up here.
[Trevor hops up on stage again with the same goofy grin he had on his face before.]
Principal: Guess what? Guess what? Guess what, bud? You’re staying up here for the rest of the show.
Trevor: Rad!
Meekash: Oh please, nooo!
Principal: [to the performers] And continue.
[Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” starts playing as Meekash goes off stage.]
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing and dancing with the tune, while Trevor stands behind next to them and mocks them.] Do do, do do, do do.
[Meekash emerges with a Michael Jackson-esque top hat, and he is wearing a silver glove. He flings the hat aside.]
Trevor: Oh my God!
[Meekash is dancing like Michael Jackson.]
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing] Santa Claus is not my lover –
Trevor: [laughing] Yes!!
Joyce, Dana, and Rachel: [singing] He’s just a guy who brings me presents and joy.
[In the background, Trevor continues to laugh at Meekash, while gesturing to his buddies in the crowd.]
Meekash: [singing in his heavy accent] And to all the girls and boys.
Trevor: You’re a girl! [He laughs some more.] Oh man.
[The audience continues to boo as Meekash takes his place next to the other three performers. Dana steps forward for his number, as the lights dim and Meekash goes off stage again.]
Dana: [singing to the tune of “O Holy Night”] O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining –
Trevor: [impressed] Wooo! [claps]
Dana: [continuing singing] – this is the night of our dear Savior’s birth –
Trevor: Go Dana! Yeah! [The audience makes their approval known.]
Joyce: They love us!
Dana: [continuing singing] – fall on your knees and doooo [the music picks up] do do do the Meekash shuffle!
[Meekash slides in on his knees. He is wearing a do rag and a clock around his neck a la Flava Flav.]
Trevor: What?!
[Meekash begins to rap.]
Meekash: My name is Meekash, and I’m here to say, my man Sinter Claus makes me feel gay.
Trevor: No! No!
Meekash: I mean, I mean happy.
Trevor: Boooo!
[The audience begins throwing paper at the stage as the principal gets re-enters the picture.]
Principal: No, people! Come on!
Trevor: No way, man!
[Fade out as someone throws a backpack on the stage and the principal wondering why it was thrown.]
Bobby…..Bobby Moynihan Nasim…..Nasim Pedrad Tina Tina Cheneuse…..Jenny Slate Fred…..Fred Armisen Abby…..Abby Elliott Taylor…..Taylor Lautner
[ Bobby steps up to Nasim’s door and rings the ordinary doorbell ]
[ doorbell rings ]
Bobby: Nice doorbell. [ he walks off ]
Nasim: [ opens door ] Oh, no! Come back! [ to camera ] I hate my doorbell!
[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Has this ever happened to you? You lost a friend ’cause you got a boring doorbell? Hi, hello! I’m Tina Tina Cheneuse. Do you enjoy a fly, fancy lifestyle? Then, why is your doorbell so vanilla? Come on down to Doorbells And More.
[ she steps in front of a wall display of fancy doorbells ]
Okay, here’s what a regular doorbell sounds like.
[ she presses a button on the doorbell, emitting the customary ding-dong ]
No! I’m tired of that! You need a custom-made doorbell that speaks to you — like this. [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Holl-o! You got a new doorbell!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yes, that is my voice. Why should it not be? This is my idea. At Doorbells And More, we got all, every kind of doorbells. Happy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Come inside my house! Hall-o!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Funny doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Knock, knock! Who’s there? Doorbell! Ding dong!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: International doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Bonjour! Ooh la la! Ding dong!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: I can even do fancy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Hello! Wine and cheese! Ding dong!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or doorbells for special occasions: [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! I’m getting married today! Hall-o!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you an individual? Guess what? I know, we got a doorbell for every person. Just come up and ask me.
[ Bobby steps forward ]
Bobby; I bet you don’t have a doorbell for somebody who likes cars!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. Here it is. [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Honk, honk! Your doorbell! Ding dong! Car!
Bobby; You did it.
[ Fred steps forward ]
Fred; What about me? I like computers.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Check this out. [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Router! Netflix! What?
Fred; Good.
[ Abby steps forward ]
Abby; What about me? I like animals!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Wolf! Bears!
Abby; Fine!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: And hall-o, it’s Christmas! Why not try a holiday doorbell, like this: [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Jingle bell, jingle bell! Answer your door!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you religious? [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Happy birthday, Jesus!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or if you’re Jewish: [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Hanukkah house!
Tina Tina Cheneuse: And what about when it’s time for your holiday visitors to leave? [ she pushes a button ]
Voice on Doorbell; Good-bye. I need to read my magazines.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: Not unique enough? Be quiet! Let’s listen to a testimonial from some person.
[ Taylor steps forward, unenthused ]
Taylor; Tina Tina made these doorbells.
Tina Tina Cheneuse: That’s all you got to say? Oh, no. I baby sat you for ten years, and this is what you do? [ he exits ] Oh, my Goooood. [ she faces the camera ] So, come on down to Doorbells And More, and get the fantasy doorbell of your dreams. [ she pushes a button ]
Taylor Lautner: Thank you so much, everyone. I had an amazing week. I want to thank the cast, the crew, Lorne Michaels and everybody for having me. And let’s hear it ONE MORE TIME for Bon Jovi!
[ everyone claps and cheers as though Bon Jovi is going to run over to the musical guest stage and perform a third song, but they just stand there to join in for the hugging everybody goodnight as the credits scroll upward ]
…..Taylor Lautner Reba McIntire…..Kenan Thompson Voice of Kanye West…..Kenan Thompson Voice of Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Taylor Lautner!
Taylor Lautner: Thank you! Thank you, guys. [ he laughs ] Thank you so much. It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I, uh, remember when “SNL” first started. I was -18 at the time. And I said to the other babies in heaven, “Just you wait — one day, I’m going to host that show.” And they said, “Wow! You’re going to be a comedian?” And I said, “No — I’m going to be a werewolf.”
It’s been a really big year for me. I was in a movie called “New Moon” [ the audience cheers ] I also took my shirt off a lot. [ the sycophantic teenage girls in the audience yell “Whoo-oo!” ] Too much, in fact. Even Matthew McConaughey told me to cool it. You know, we got a problem.
Now, before we start the show, there’s a lot of rumors out there about me being romantically linked to a certain country singer? And I wanted to take a moment to address that: Reba and I are just friends.
[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving Lautner a nod and a wink ]
Taylor Lautner: With benefits, of course! [ he laughs ] I’ve also become close with a singer named Taylor Swift. [ the audience screams ] You know, I was actually at the VMAs the night she won the award for Best Video, when Kanye West interrupted her speech. I was actually up on stage with her when that happened, and, as you can see, I really stood up for her.
[ cut to the tape, Kanye West on stage with a shell-shocked Taylor Swift ]
Kanye West: Yo, Taylor! I’m really happy for you, I’m going to let you finish — but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL time!
[ arrows point at Lautner in the background, nonchalantly keeping his eyes turned from the disruption ]
[ return to the monologue ]
Taylor Lautner: I know. I mean, I guess I could have done a little more. But what I really wanted to do that night… was this.
[ Lautner removes his jacket and stands between two mannequins with faces to look like Kanye West and Taylor Swift ]
[ Lautner backflips in the style of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, then takes a step toward Taylor Swift mannequin ]
Taylor Lautner: Taylor! What seems to be the problem here?
Voice of Taylor Swift: That man was MEAN to me!
Taylor Lautner: Stand aside, honey — I’ll handle this.
[ Lautner crosses over to the Kanye West mannequin ]
Taylor Lautner: Hey! I said, hey! That’s right, I’m talking to you! Not so tough now, are you, Kanye West? It just so happens… you messed with the wrong Taylors.
Voice of Kanye West: Oh, really?
Taylor Lautner: Really. [ he strikes a few karate poses, does a handstand and another backflip ] Bow staff!
[ a bow staff is tossed to Lautner, as he begins to twirl it in a menacing manner before tossing it offstage ]
Voice of Kanye West: Uh-oh!
[ Lautner strikes a few more karate poses, then makes two attempts to jump-kick Kanye West in the head. Failing that, he settles for simply smacking his head off with his fist. ]
Taylor Lautner: I’m real sorry! I’m sorry, Kanye. I didn’t mean to knock your head off there.
[ Lautner replaces Kanye West’s head on the mannequin ]
Voice of Kanye West: Thank you for putting my head back on. I apologize to you and this lovely young lady.
Taylor Lautner: Thank you. I, uh — I accept your apology.
[ Lautner steps back toward the Taylor Swift mannequin ]
Voice of Taylor Swift: You are the bravest man I’ve ever known!
Taylor Lautner: Thank you. [ he leans in to kiss Swift, then stops himself ] I’m sorry! I can’t! My heart belongs to someone else.
[ cut to Reba McIntire in the audience, giving another nod of approval to Lautner ]
Taylor Lautner: [ flirting ] Hey, Reba. [ he blows her a kiss, then returns to center stage ] Thank you, guys! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Bon jovi is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.
Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis Executive…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: And now, a message from the PGA Tour.
[ dissolve to Tim Finchem seated at booth ]
Tim Finchem: Hi there. I’m Tim Finchem, Commissioner of the PGA Tour. Yesterday, we got some interesting news: Tiger woods announced that he was taking an “indefinite break” from golf. Indefinite. [ he laughs nervously ] And that’s okay. You know, we’re going to be fine. People don’t just watch golf because of him. I mean, we’ve still got plenty of other superstars. You know? Exciting household names like Geoff Ogilvy. Boo-yah! [ he laughs ] Trevor Immelman. Can you handle the Immelman? Whoo! [ he laughs ] And, look out! Uh-oh! Tim “Lumpy” Hearn’s in the house. Watch out for Lumpy!
[ he chuckles nervously, then reaches down for a flask and pours the alcohol down his throat ]
Tim Finchem: Watch out for Lumpy…
[ he laughs nervously, then returns the flask ]
Tim Finchem: Hey! And if you love tiger’s famous fist pump, well, then, you know what? You’re just going to love Justin Leonard’s tip of the cap! [ mimicking ] Good day to you, sir! So, yeah, you know, I-I-I think the PGA Tour will be just fine without Tiger Woods. And you know what? The sponsors? Well, they are excited, too.
[ behind him, an executive removes the sponsor cards from the wall ]
Tim Finchem: The PGA tour. No Tiger, no problem!
[ return to PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour.
Tim Finchem……Jason Sudeikis Executive…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: And now, another message from the PGA Tour.
[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, sans jacket, seated at booth ]
Tim Finchem: Hey, Tim Finchem, Commissioner. First of all, I really want to thank our new sponsors uh — the Madoff Investment Group… Major League Soccer… a-and the movie “Old Dogs”. We’re really happy to have you guys on the PGA team.
Uh, you know, without Tiger, some say the PGA Tour lacks diversity. And that’s not — that’s not true! I mean, we’ve still got plenty of diversity! Like Vijay Singh… uh… or Miguel Angel Jimenez. Right? I mean, those guys aren’t gonna cheat on anyone! And you know what? We — we — we even, uh, have an, uh, African golfer! Nick Price! He’s from Zimbabwe, and that counts! That counts! Alright? And, hey — tiger Woods was half Asian, okay? You know what? How about a FULL Asian? Like Shigeki Maruyama… or Y.E. Yang? Huh? Yeah, more like Y-E-S! [ he laughs ] Yeah! And, you know, we’re also working on finding the second best black golfer! I mean, you know, there are currently none on the tour right now, or on the Minor League tour, but we’re planning to take a page from the hit movie “Blind Side” and, uh, you know, we’re just drive through the poor neighborhoods until we find a big guy walking through the rain! Just — I don’t know — swinging a stick or something. [ he starts to lose it ] Oh, gosh…
[ he reaches down for his flask and takes another huge swig ]
Tim Finchem: Whoo! Oh!! And new rules! We got a bunch of new rules! Okay? For example: if you hit a slice, you get hit by Kimbo Slice, the USC fighter. Not bad, right? And we’re gonna to have bigger and badder hazards… Oh! And whoever has the worst score has to appear on an episode of “Jersey Shore”. And, of course, we’re gonna have sexy caddies! [ he smiles, but then has second thoughts ] You know what? You know what, that might be a bad idea. Okay, forget the sexy caddies — no sexy caddies!
[ the executive returns to tear down the new sponsor cards ]
Tim Finchem: So, the point is, we’ll — we’ll be fine. We’re gonna be fine. The PGA Tour! I mean, what else are you gonna do? You know? Talk to your wife? I — [ he holds up his flask ][ return to PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour.
Air Date:
Summary: Governor Mark Sanford (Jason Sudeikis), Sen. John Ensign (Bill Hader), and former senator John Edwards (Will Forte) are annoyed that Tiger Woods’ extramarital affairs have superseded their own in the eyes of the media.
Summary: Taylor Lautner defends girlfriend Taylor Swift’s honor by beating up a cardboard cutout of Kanye West.
Summary: Backup backup quarterback Phil Pomeroy (Taylor Lautner) is a bundle of nerves while trying to pose for the camera during a Rose Bowl promo.
Summary: Alex (Taylor Lautner) and Ashley (Abby Elliott) want to surprise her parents (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) with news of their pregnancy, but can Aunt Sue (Kristen Wiig) hold herself together without spoiling the surprise?
Summary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) struggles to make his organization relevent following Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf.
Summary: Student heckler (Andy Samberg) ruins a forced performance by the Northeast Middle School’s Sparkle Players (Abby Elliott, Kenan Thompson, Taylor Lautner, Jenny Slate).
Summary: PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) tries to apply desperate quick-fix solutions like sexy caddies in the wake of Tiger Woods’ indefinite break from golf.
Summary: Tiger Woods’ Mistress Number 15 (Nasim Pedrad) justifies her participation in his infidelity streak. Native American comedian Billy Smith (Fred Armisen) goes over the heads of the audience with his cultural references.
Summary: Science teacher (Bill Hader) makes Mariana (Taylor Lautner) and Ellie (Abby Elliott) settle their “Twilight” differences once and for all, in the battle between Team Edward and Team Jacob.
Summary: A drunken PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem (Jason Sudeikis) is on suicide watch now that there’s no golf superstars left.
Summary: (Kenan Thompson) monitors budding romance between (Taylor Lautner) and (Abby Elliott).
Summary: Tina Tina Cheneuse (Jenny Slate) displays a variety of talking doorbells.
