Category: 1984

Prince: “I Am Also The World”

Mark Goodman…Rich Hall
Prince…Billy Crystal
Backup Singer #1…Julia-Louis Dreyfuss
Backup Singer #2…Mary Gross
Bodyguard #1…Mr. T
Bodyguard #2…Hulk Hogan
Bruce Springsteen…Gary Kroeger
Paul Simon…Martin Short
Willie Nelson…Jim Belushi
Cyndi Lauper…Pamela Stephenson

(Open on video of people polka dancing)

Polka for Africa Singers:
“We will polka for peace,
we will polka for lunch,
it’s a worldwide polka brunch!”

(SUPER: POLKA for AFRICA, Send contributions to: P. O. Box 321, Cicero,Illinois)

(shows video in MTV studio, with Mark Goodman as VJ)

Mark Goodman: That’s “Polka For Africa”, and I’m Mark Goodman. Speaking of that, as you know, Prince did not appear in the big “USA For Africa” video because he was busy bailing out his bodyguards after they beat up some of his fans outside of a Hollywood restaurant. But now, the sultan of screen has organized his own video effort for the world hunger, and here it is now in an MTV exclusive.

(opens on Prince’s video, where he is at a recording session with backup singers and bodyguards)

Backup Singer #1: “There is a time when he must heed a certain call-“

Backup Singer #2: “Bodyguards calling to be set free.”

Backup Singers: “But they went ahead, and held the session anyway-“

Prince:
“But those muthas aren’t the world without me!
I am also the world,
I am also the children,
I am the one who had to bail them out,
Now ain’t that givin’!

It’s a choice I made!
The kids will have to wait,
There’s get to be another way to get on MTV.”

(Bruce Springsteen comes in, Prince signals to his bodyguards, who beat him up)

Bruce Springsteen: “We are the world, We are the child-“

(knocked down by bodyguards and carried off)

Prince: “I am the one who makes a brighter day, but just don’t push me!”

(Willie Nelson and Paul Simon enter)

Paul Simon: “Oh, there’s a choice we’re making,”

Paul Simon and Willie Nelson: “We’re saving our own lives,It’s true-“

(Willie Nelson and Paul Simon are carried off by bodyguards asthey scream in pain)

Prince: “I am also the world!”

Bruce Springsteen: (rising) “We are also the children!”

(Bodyguard #1 beats Bruce Springsteen to the ground)

Bodyguard #1: Shut up fool! (To Prince) Not you, sir!

Prince: “Start giving!”

(Cyndi Lauper enters)

Cyndi Lauper: “Well, well, well, let’s realize that a change can only come-“

(backup singers punch Cyndi in the stomach and knock her to the ground; bodyguards re-enter, Prince pulls open his shirt)

Prince:
“I am the world,
I am the children,
I am the one who makes a brighter day,”

Prince and Bodyguards: You wanna make something of it!

Prince:
“So I’ve got to say,
And I know this may sound trite,
Live from New York,”

Prince and Bodyguards: “It’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to Tony Dumont for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 30th, 1985

Mr. T

Hulk Hogan

The Commodores

Steve Landesberg

Liberace

Rowdy Roddy Piper

Mr. Wonderful

Prince: “I Am Also The World”

Prince (Billy Crystal) & bodyguards (Mr. T, Hulk Hogan) missed USA For Africa benefit.

Mr. T & Hulk Hogan’s Monologue

Fisherman Bob

Crystal Lake

Ronald Reagan Jeans

(Repeat) See: 02/09/85.

Fernando’s Hideaway

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

Fin-de-Siecle Prison Homosexuality

Billy Crystal Comdy Film

Ohio S&L Funds

Steve Landesberg Stand-Up

Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

The Joe Franklin Show

Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Irving Cohen.

The Commodores perform “Night Shift”

Rowdy Roddy Piper & Mr. Wonderful

Nathan Thurm Takes A Mistress

Recurring Characters: Nathan Thurm.

The Commodores perform “Animal Instinct”

SNL Transcripts

Pamela Sue Martin’s Monologue

…..Pamela Sue Martin
Joan Collins…..Jim Belushi

Pamela Sue Martin: Thank you! It’s great to be here. As you probably know, I left “Dynasty” about a year ago. But people still ask me two questons about the show. First, they want to know: Why did you leave “Dynasty”? The fame, the money, Jeff, the clothes.. Let me try and explain. First, you have to understand – I’m an actress. I needed other creative outlets, other ways to express myself. You see, I could do more than just fill the space between the commercials. I could do the commercials. Kojak is bald and he’s selling Fords. I mean.. “Who loves you, baby?” No one! They love the Carringtons! Right!

Which brings me to the second question. People always want to know: Is Joan Collins really that beautiful? So.. I brought along a couple of candid snapshots of Joan, I took them of Joan as she was getting into make-up at “Dynasty”. Can a camera get these? [ leafs through the pictures] Um.. oh, boy, this is really candid.. [ looks ] I suppose she’d kill me if I showed that one.. [ continues looking ] Uh.. I just can’t! I mean, this is not fair, I.. Okay, wait a second. I’ll tell you what? Why don’t I just let you see for yourselves how truly beautiful Joan is in person, because she’s here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, my friend and colleague, Joan Collins!

[ Jim Belushi, dressed as Joan Collins, stands up from the front row of the audience ]

Pamela Sue Martin: You thought she was taller, right? Be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 9

84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Milestones

Alfred Jenkins….Christopher Guest
Bishop Desmond Tutu….Eddie Murphy
Doug Flutie….Rich Hall

[Opens with kind of heroic music theme. On ablackboard the title MILESTONES. The host is in hisbusiness suit sitting in the middle]

Alfred Jenkins: Good evening. I’m Alfred Jenkins andwelcome to “Milestones”, the show that recognizesgreatness. Tonight we have 2 guests who have achievedgreatness in their respective fields. To my left is aman who has been described as the unifying leader inthe fight against South African apartheid and achampion of basic human rights throughout the world.Winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize, Bishop Desmond Tutu.

[Bespectacled Bishop Tutu, gray head of hair, blacksuit, a medal hangs from his neck.] [Caption: Bishop Desmond Tutu. 1984 Nobel Prize Winner]

Alfred Jenkins: To my right, Heisman Trophy winnerDoug Flutie of Boston College.

[Caption: Doug Flutie Heisman Trophy Winner]

Alfred Jenkins: Welcome, gentlemen. Bishop Tutu, firstof all, I wanted to say how shocked and distressed Iwas that even as you were being presented thisvenerable symbol of peace, a bomb threat was taking place.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, in my estimation, the bombthreat represents the sheer desperation of thoseopposed to basic human principles of freedom and justice.

[Alfred turns to Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: So, Doug. Speaking of bombs, that passagainst Miami…if there was ever a doubt in anyone’smind that you deserve this trophy—[picks Heismantrophy up]have you seen this Bishop?[gives it to Tutu]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Yes, I was admiring it. It isvery nice. Very imppresive indeed, I like this.

[Alfred turns to Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: What was going through your mind whenyou floated that pass?

Doug Flutie: Well, basically Alfred, we call it “theHail Mary pass” You just close your eyes[Doug closeshis eyes]and say “Hail Mary, please let thisball[Bishop Tutu drops the Heisman Trophy]land in thewide receiver’s hands. Please, you humble servant,Doug Flutie…Amen”[Bishop Tutu holds the HeismanTrophy and the severed arm of the footbal player onthe trophy up] And that was it. Basically. A littlebit of good timing and a little bit of luck.

[Alfred notices the broken trophy and tries as best hecan to distract Doug from his now broken trophy]

Alfred Jenkins: Huh? Luck? So, why don’t we watch theplay on the monitor over here? Why don’t you just turnyour chair and tell us what we’re going to see, ok?

[Alfred turns Doug’s chair away from Tutu and facing atv screen. Doug’s famous play is playing on the tv screen]

Doug Flutie: Ah, well basically this is the “splitright 3” or “keyhole” formation….[keeps explaining]

Alfred Jenkins: “Keyhole”? Right.[turns to Bishop Tutumad as hell, keeping the conversation away fom Doug’s ears] What is the matter with you?

Bishop Demaond Tutu: The thing just dropped down.

Alfred Jenkins: What did you drop it for?!

Bishop Desmond Tutu: It was a mistake! I didn’t mean to drop it!

Alfred Jenkins: Don’t make that mistake anymore.

Doug Flutie:….really let the thing fly. And luckily,the wide receiver….

[Alfred turns back to Bishop Tutu]

Alfred Jenkins: How are you going to fix it?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me don’t know how to fix the thing!

Alfred Jenkins: Ok, we do this, ok?

[takes out piece of gum, puts it in his mouth, chews]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: I’m a bishop, not a welder.

Alfred Jenkins: This is how we fix it, ok?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Tell him: “Doug Flutie, the thing broke.”

Alfred Jenkins: Here.[gives Tutu the chewed piece of gum] Stick this on.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stick the gum on? Put it under here.

Alfred Jenkins: You stick it on and fix it.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put it on there.

Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining, oblivious] Here it isagain. What I wanted to do was to go back and reallylet loose with one….

Alfred Jenkins: Right, I can seen why.

Doug Flutie:….many times before.

Alfred Jenkins: Right. What a play. And need I remindthe viewers[takes Heisman from Tutu, holds it in hislap, Chris cracks up a little bit]that this cementedyour hold on—[mangled Heisman Trophy with badlyattached arm, Doug looks at it worried. Alfred givesHeisman back to Bishop Tutu] Doug, why don’t we watchthat again? You know, let’s see that again in slowmotion.[Alfred turns Doug chair around again towardsthe tv screen]You just whip around here.

Doug Flutie: I think I clearly indicated before, itwas a “split-right 3”,what we call a “flood tip” formation.

Alfred Jenkins: Uhu, uhu, right.[turns to BishopTutu]What are you doing?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me tried to fix the thing. It break off!

Alfred Jenkins:[panicked]Do it quickly, ok?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me try the best I can! It don’twant to stick back on.

Alfred Jenkins: You’re not doing this fast enough.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: What am I supposed to do now?

Alfred Jenkins: Fix it. That’s all I’m asking you.You’re not supposed to break it.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: I didn’t break it on purpose!

Alfred Jenkins: What about that stuff in your hair? What is that?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: That’s a “Carefree Curl”. That’snot gonna make it stick on. It would just make it curlier.

Alfred Jenkins: Just fix it, all right!

[Bishop Tutu takes his medal off, throws it on thetable in front of him, takes the ribbon and attachesthe Trophy’s arm with the blus ribbon]

Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining]I’m just back and I’mgonna…I’m gonna unleash the thing….

Alfred Jenkins: Right.

Doug Flutie: That’s it, basically.

Alfred Jenkins: Well, that is a spectacular piece ofstrategy and fully deserving of this–[Heisman Trophywrapped with a blue ribbon holds the arm in place.Doug picks his Heisman Trophy]

Doug Flutie: What’s this?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh, it is an armband. A unifyingsymbol of our commitment to fighting racism all over the world.

Doug Flutie: Right. Well, that’s nice Tutu. But Ireally don’t think that I can take your only ribbon there.

[Doug starts taking the ribbon off, Alfred quicklytakes the Heisman Trophy from Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: Tutu, did you notice this? How hisname is engraved on there?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh! Isn’t that nice?

Alfred Jenkins: Isn’t that something else?[to Doug]Speaking of something else, the pass that you threw, Imean talk about…why don’t we look at it againbecause it is such an amazing play.

Doug Flutie: No. No! We’re not gonna look at the playagain. I’ve been on 200 talk shows now, and I’ve hadto talk this play for 200…[Bishop Tutu leaves withthe trophy]I’m sick of it, frankly. It was a luckyplay, that’s all. Had nothing to do with….my eyeswere closed, you know? It was a fluke. That was it.

[Bishop Tutu is hunched down and a man is welding theHeisman Trophy, blowtorch buzzes, sparks]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put the thing there. Hold it over.

Doug Flutie: Now for the rest of my life, what’s goingto happen? That was my moment in the sun.

[Bishop Tutu keeps working the Trophy]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hurry, now!

Doug Flutie: My moment in the sun was not even my moment…

Bishop Desmond Tutu: The thing not taking now!

Doug Flutie: Who’s gonna hire me? I’m 5’9″. Who’sgonna draft me? If I’m lucky I’ll get a beercommercial out of this. An off brand or something.

[Tutu sits back down, fake smile on his face]

Doug Flutie: No…my entire life, I’ll be sittingaround is a trailer park somewhere, people will say:”Come on Dougie, let’s see the film again! Show itagain, Dougie!” Can’t you see how one play has ruined my entire life?

[Alfred tries to cheer him up]

Alfred Jenkins: Well, one play that’s guaranteed youthis, the Heis—[the trophy is a melted, mangled ballof steel now, Alfred gives it to Doug]Heisman Trophy.Thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. Tutu, if youwin anything else, come back, ok?

Doug Flutie:[shocked,confused]What is this?

Alfred Jenkins: Thanks for watching “Milestones”.

Doug Flutie: What is this?

[ show’s music theme plays]

Alfred Jenkins: It’s the—ummm, I don’t know what you call this….

Caption: Milestones

[fade] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

Black History Minute

Shabazz K. Morton…..Eddie Murphy

Shabazz K. Morton: Hello, my name is Professor Shabazz K. Morton. In 1895, at the Tuskagee Institute in Alabama, a black man named George Washington Carver developed a new method of soul.. soil.. improvement through crop rotation.. [ a couple of audience members snicker at Murphy’s blooper, causing him to break character ] So I messed up – SHUT UP! [ adjusting his shades so he can read the cue cards ] Stop clapping before y’all make me smile! [ back in character ] ..to end the South African cultural dependence on cotton alone. As a result, Carver came up with hundreds of industrial uses for the peanut. Sure, industrial uses.

Meanwhile, one night, he’s having a few friends over to his house for dinner. And one of them leans over and says to Dr. Carver, “Excuse me, George? What’s that your putting on your bread?” Carver says, “Oh, that’s nothing but a butter substitute that I made from peanuts. I can’t digest all that animal fat, you know.” So the other fellow tasted it, and he says, “Hmm.. this pastes pretty.. this tastes..” [ the audience again laughs at Murphy’s blooper, causing him to break character again ] Yeah? Keep on smiling. [ back in character ] “This tastes pretty good, man. Mind if we take a peek at the recipe?” And Dr. Carver says, “Take a peek? Man, you can have it. Who’s gonna eat butter made out of peanuts? No, I’m working on a method to compress peanuts into phonograph needles.”

So, Professor Carver’s two dinner guests.. [ Murphy removes his shades for better cue card reading ] ..Edward “Skippy” Williamson and Frederick “Jif” Armstrong – two white men – stole George Washington Carver’s recipe for peanut butter, copyrighted it, and reaped untold fortunes from it. While Dr. Carver died penniless and insane, still trying to play a phonograph record with a peanut.

This has been “Black History Minute”. I’m Professor Shabazz K. Morton. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

Eddie Murphy’s Monologue

…..Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

[Huge audience applause as Eddie walks on stage]

Eddie Murphy: Thank you! [Applause continues. Eddie twirls both of his hands and points upward, sending the audience into even more of a frenzy] Oh, thank you.

This is very bizarre, ’cause I grew up on this show, it’s bizarre to host it. I feel strange, and I’m very nervous, ’cause I haven’t done this in a year and a half, so just bear with me. I said last year that, um, when I left the show, I swore that I would never do Saturday Night Live again, because I said the show was terrible. Really, and I did 48 Hours and Trading Places, and I felt I was an actor now. It was like “Saturday Night Live? HA!” Really, that was my vibe last year. And after I did 48 Hours and Trading Places, all these scripts started comin’ from everywhere, and I picked up a script called Best Defense…there’s a movie that sucked real bad! At first, I wasn’t gonna do it, because I read the script, and I felt like I was an actor at first, but the money they gave me to do Best Defense, y’all woulda done Best Defense, too, okay!

But I read the script at first, and the script was terrible, I was like, “What?! How dare you give me a script like this! Oh, that much money? Let’s go!” So I read the script Best Defense, I went out and did Best Defense, Best Defense turned out to be the worst movie ever done in the history of anything, and all of a sudden, I wasn’t that hot no more. So, I called up the producer of Saturday Night Live, and I go, “Um, you still got my dressin’ room?” and he said, “Why don’t you come back on the show and host the Christmas show?” so I said, “You bet!” So, I signed the contracts to host the Christmas show, and while I was waiting for Christmas to come, sitting in my house by myself, somebody brought me a script for a movie called Beverly Hills Cop [Applause at mention of the movie]. Did Beverly Hills Cop, Beverly Hills Cop is a hit, all of a sudden, I’m an actor again. But, it’s too late to pull out, so I had to host the show.

But, I’m back, and oddly enough, I been having a good time, and the new people are fun, and it’s bizarre to be standin’ here, but I been havin’ a good time, it’s good to be back this week, but before we get into the laugh stuff, and I want you to know you can laugh, you can have a good time tonight, we have a good time and you gonna laugh, not everything on the show is hysterical. I know lots of times they tell you we have a great show, they come out, and they lie to you. You sit there and you see some things that suck. Tonight is the same. Most of the show is good, but, there’ll be 2 or 3 things that you’ll go, “That’s not funny!” and I just want you to be prepared for that, okay.

Now, before we get into the funny stuff, I want you to see something I take very seriously, I want you to watch somethin’. Watch this.

[Monologue comes to an end as screen dissolves to “White Like Eddie”]

Thanks to Larry Petit for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood

Mr. Robinson…..Eddie Murphy

[ Mr. Robinson enters his apartment dressed as Santa Claus ]

Mr. Robinson: [ singing ]“It’s a beautiful day in the neigborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won’t you be my neighbor?”

Hello, boys and girls! You know, Christmas is a special time in Mr. Robinson’s neighborhood. It’s a time for giving, and look what Mr. Landlord gave me – it’s an eviction notice. Well, that’s why Mr. Robinson has to wear this Santa Claus suit to sneak in and out of his building. But it just isn’t a disguise, boys and girls. Because, when I add this little pail here, and when I have this little bell, it becomes a small business. [ rings the bell ] Yes, Christmas is a season for giving, and for taking! And with this little operation, I figure I’ll be taking on about $300-400 a day! Oh, why oh why, must Christmas come but once a year?

[ puts his stuff away ]

You know, another reason why Mr. Robinson likes Christmas so much, boys and girls, is because I have so much in common with Santa Claus. We both like to sneak into your house late at night. Only Mr. Santa Claus likes to leave things. Mr. Robinson prefers to take a few things every now and then. Let’s see what I have for Christmas today. [ reaches into his sack ] Oh, look.. a little doll baby! Isn’t it so cute, boys and girls? It’s not worth a lot right now, but, through the miracles of modern science.. [ pulls off the head, and replaces it with a cabbage ] ..Cabbage Patch doll! Now they’re worth a lot of cabbage! I could sell these to little stupid kids for about $50 each! $50 each! Can you believe that! That’s why I love Christmas! And that’s today’s word, boys and girls. [ walks over to the word board, which has “X-MAS” written on it ] “Christ-mas”. You know any other words that start with “X”, boys and girls? How about.. [ flips card over to show word “X-CON” ] ..Ex-con”? [ a knock is heard at the door ] Who could that be, boys and girls?

Voice At Door: Robinson! Are you the guy that sold my kid a head of lettuce with a dress on it?!

Mr. Robinson: That reminds me of another word, boys and girls, that begins with “X” – “Ex-scape”! [ grabs his bag ] Well, I’ll see you later. And remember: “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll visit you tomorrow when you’re sound asleep..” [ jumps out window ] Goodbye, boys and girls!

[ title fades in, then out to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 9

84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Killing Time

…..Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? You people out there just missed a dirty joke I told!

[ Audience laughs and cheers. Eddie belts out his trademark laugh. ]

Eddie Murphy: You know what happened? They timed the show wrong, right? And they thought the show was going to be 30 seconds longer — and like now -– they don’t have no sketch or NOTHING!

[ Audience laughs hard. Eddie points to the OFF-SCREEN crew]

Eddie Murphy: How much time do I have? Eight seconds? Seven… six? Here, quick — I’m gonna play the piano!

[ Eddie sits down at The Honeydrippers’ piano and starts playing different notes. The audience cheers wildly. ]

[ DISSOLVE to bumper photo ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

White Like Eddie

…..Eddie Murphy
Clerk…..Jim Downey

Eddie Murphy: You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice. And some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas: one black and one white. But talk is cheap. So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand. To go underground and actually experience America.. as a white man.

[ enters Make Up Room ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: I hired the best make-up people in the business. If I was gonna pass as a white man, everything had to be perfect.

[ make-up is placed on Eddie’s face ]

Eddie Murphy: Hmm, I think that’s a little light.

Make-up Artist: Okay, let’s try this. [ applies fake white moustache on Eddie’s lips ]

Eddie Murphy: That’s, uh.. I look kind of Harry Reemsish.

Make-up Artist: Mmm, I like it.

Eddie Murphy: I studied for my role very carefully. I watched lots of “Dynasty”.

[ show Eddie watching TV ]

Eddie Murphy: See? See how they walk? Their butts are real tight when they walk. They keep their butts tight. I’ve gotta remember to keep my butt real tight when I walk.

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: And, I read a whole bunch of Hallmark Cards.

[ show Eddie reading greeting cards ]

Eddie Murphy: “For my lovely wife.” That’s it. That’s it. That’s it. Go ahead. “You always mean lots more to me than you could ever guess. For you have done so much to fill my life with happiness.”

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Finally, I was ready.

[ Eddie walks onto the street, the perfect portrait of a white man. He enters a convenience store, grabs a newspaper and drops it on the counter. ]

Clerk: What are you doing?

Eddie Murphy: I’m buying this newspaper.

Clerk: That’s all right. There’s nobody around. Go ahead, take it. Take it. [ Eddie gives him a quizzical look ] Go ahead, take it. Yeah. Take it. Take it.

[ Eddie takes the newspaper, and cautiously exits ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: Slowly, I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free.
[ cut to Eddie catching a bus. He sits down between two white women. ]

Eddie Murphy Voiceover: There was only one other black man on the bus. He got off on 45th Street. [ the busdriver looks around the bus carefully, then sets a party in motion, complete with music and cigarette girls ] The problem was much more serious than I’d ever imagined.

[ cut to Eddie at a bank, talking to a black Loan Officer, discussing budgeting and other money matters ]

Loan Officer: Now, let me get this straight, Mr., ..uh.. Mr. White. You’d like to borrow $50,000 from our bank, but you have no collateral, you have no credit. You don’t even have any I.D. Is that correct?

Eddie Murphy: That’s right.

Loan Officer: Mr. White, I’m sorry. This is not a charity. This is a business…

White Loan Officer: Uh, Harry, why don’t you, uh, take your break now? I’ll take care of.. uh.. Mr. White.

Loan Officer: Well.. okay. Thanks, Bob. [ exits ]

White Loan Officer: [ laughs, then sits ] That was a close one, wasn’t it?

Eddie Murphy: It certainly was.

White Loan Officer: We don’t have to bother with these formalities, do we, Mr. White? Huh?

Eddie Murphy: What a silly Negro!

White Loan Officer: Just take what you want, Mr. White. Pay us back anytime. Or don’t. We don’t care.

Eddie Murphy: Tell me, do you know of any other banks like this in this area?

[ cut to Eddie back at the Make-up Room ]

Eddie Murphy: So, what did I learn from all of this? Well, I learned that we still have a very long way to go in this country before all men are truly equal. But I’ll tell you something. [ pan to reveal Eddie’s black buddies applying white make-up to their faces ] I’ve got a lot of friends, and we’ve got a lot of makeup. So, the next time you’re huggin’ up with some really super, groovy white guy, or you met a really great, super keen white chick, don’t be too sure. They might be black.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 12th, 1985

Kathleen Turner

John Waite

None

None
Donahue Green RoomSummary: While scouting Donahue’s Green Room for guests he can put on his own show, Fernando (Billy Crystal) meets a pair of midget transvestites, a Nazi (Gary Kroeger), and Bernard Goetz (Rich Hall).

Recurring Characters: Fernando.

Transcript

Montage

Kathleen Turner’s MonologueSummary: Kathleen Turner points out a fake Jack Nicholson in the audience, then displays images depicting her increased level of cinematic sexiness.

Also Hosted: 89c.

Transcript

MacDouglass-Drummond Miracle WrenchSummary: MacDouglass-Drummond spokesman (Harry Shearer) touts high prices for normal quality items.

Transcript

You Know What I Hate?Summary: Willie (Christopher Guest) and Frankie (Billy Crystal) discuss means of self-torture while participating in a waterskiing pyramid.

Recurring Characters: Willie, Frankie.

Nose Hair TrimmerSummary: Walter (Gary Kroeger) trims nose hairs on a professional basis.

Recurring Characters: Walter.

SafeCoSummary: Dura Guard II Plate Glass is strong enough to withstand impact of Joan Collins’ (Pamela Stephenson) head.

Recurring Characters: Joan Collins.

Hypnotism by FireSummary: Before Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) can take Sharon (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on a date, her father, Brad (Martin Short), seats him before the fireplace and hypnotizes him to unleash his true intentions for the evening.

Note: Because he was appearing as a wide variety of characters in multiple back-to-back sketches, Billy Crystal wore a bald cap throughout the show; in this sketch, he wears a wig similar to his own hair. When Martin Short’s characters slaps Crystal in the back of the head, his wig becomes askew, causing the audience, and even Julia Louis-Dreyfus, upon re-entering the scene, to laugh. Crystal appears dumbfounded at the consistent laughter, until Short reaches over to re-adjust the wig, which causes Crystal to laugh as well.

PredictionsRecurring Characters: Jeane Dixon.

The Joe Franklin ShowSummary: Joe Franklin’s (Billy Crystal) panel is encompassed by local actress Daphney Clayton (Kathleen Turner), currently starring in “Wake Me When I’m Nude”, a befuddled Alan Arkin (Christopher Guest), and magician Doug Henning (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Joe Franklin, Doug Henning.

Transcript

Boxing StoriesRecurring Characters: Tony Minetti.

Transcript

The PickupSummary: Man-hungry Victoria Kingsley (Kathleen Turner) picks up meekish Adam Sherman (Martin Short) at a loft party.

Note: Writers Andy Breckman and Larry David can spotted walking around as party guests in the background.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Christopher GuestSummary: Gary Kroeger displays his not-so-sexy Kroeger-A-Month calendar for 1985. Doug Henning (Rich Hall) demonstrates a budget-based magic trick.

Recurring Characters: Doug Henning.

Note: Not only is Doug Henning impersonated by two cast members in one evening, but Rich Hall also loses his fake teeth while performing the impression.

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John Waite performs “Saturday Night”

Strictly From BlackwellSummary: Mr. Blackwell (Harry Shearer) interviews dinner theater performer Bobby Bouchet (Martin Short).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Blackwell.

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GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts