Category: 1994

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 14th, 1995

Jeff Daniels

Luscious Jackson

None

Capitol Hill

Newt Gingrich (Chris Farley) hurriedly passes legislation.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

Jeff Daniels’ Monologue

Daniels has good things to say about Jim Carrey.

Eterna Rest

(Repeat) See: 11/12/94.

Martin Luther King Day

Black office workers (Tim Meadows, Ellen Cleghorne) make white co-workers feel guilty.

Connie Chung vs. Mrs. Gingrich

Connie Chung (Laura Kightlinger) bullies Kathleen Gingrich (Janene Garafalo) for more dirt.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich.

Entertainment Tonight

Ron Wood (Mike Myers) has unintelligible interview with Nell (Janene Garafalo).

Recurring Characters: Ron Wood.

Luscious Jackson performs “City Song”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

David spade complains about recent concerts he attended.

Marquerite Simpson (Ellen Cleghorne) sings new version of “You Gotta Be”.

Mystery Dinner Theater

Actor (Chris Farley) overdoes death scene to show off for parents in audience.

Film Beat

Film historian (Chris Elliot) embarrasses Daniels with “Dumb & Dumber” toilet clip.

Gay Stripper Theater

Drama enhances performances of gay male exotic dancers.

Luscious Jackson performs “Here”

Aerosmith Album

Aerosmith’s greatest hits all sound alike.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

How cowboys relieve stress.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Sarah Jessica Parker’s Monologue

…..Sarah Jessica Parker
…..Mike Myers
…..David Spade

Sarah Jessica Parker: It is really.. it is really, really great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I grew up here in New York City, and this has just been the greatest.. best week of- [ stops ] I’m sorry, I’m sorry.. it’s not true. This has.. this has not been a great week. Um.. for the last several months, I was working every day on Gov. Mario Cuomo’s re-election campaign.. and, uh.. as oyu know, last Tuesday, he lost.. so, uh.. so, tonight, there’s something that I’d like to say to him. It’s something that I learned back when I was playing Annie on Broadway. [ cue piano in background ] So, uh.. Mario? Mr. Cuomo? If you’re watching, this is for you.. and for all the other hundreds of Democratic losers out there.

Mario.. the sun will come out tomorrow
Mario Cuomo.. forget about Pataki and..

[ singing ]

Bet your bottom dollar that.. tomorroooowThere’ll be sun – in ’96..

[ spoken ] Or, you know, you could get a job in the private sector. I don’t know.. maybe Baseball Commissioner, or something?

[ singing ] Just.. thinking about.. tomorrow

[ spoken ] ..Ann Richards and Tom Foley.

[ singing ] Clears away the cobwebs.. and the sorrow

[ spoken ] ..of Jesse Helms, Chair & Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

[ singing ] ‘Til there’s.. none..

[ spoken ] And you, too, President Clinton! I want you to remember this!

[ singing ]
When I’m stuck with a day. that’s grey.. and Newt Gingrich
I just stick up my chin.. and grin.. and say..

[ spoken ] Oh! I just want to say a quick congratulations to Ted Kennedy for a great win! You really– [ audience cheers ] You pulled it out, you know! You dropped 10 or 15 pounds, and you look fantastic! Your skin looks good, too. So, keep up the good fight!

[ singing ]
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya! Tomrrow..!

[ Mike Myers and David Spade run on stage to interrupt Parker ]

Mike Myers: Sarah! Sarah!

David Spade: Stop singing.

Mike Myers: Yeah.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Wh-what’s wrong?

Mike Myers: Well.. well, you’re singing about the Democrats, and.. basically, we’re all Republican here at the show, and uh.. well.. we’re pretty happy about the victory.

Sarah Jessica Parker: You’re serious? Everyone here is a Republican?

David Spade: Oh, yeah. Very Republican. The cast.. writers.. stagehands.. even Ellen Cleghorne. But, more importantly, we really don’t like the “Annie” song.

Mike Myers: And, uh.. finally, with a Republican congress, that song may be outlawed.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Oh. Wow.. I’m sorry.. Republicans?

David Spade: Oh, yeah.

[ Mike and David exit the stage ]

Sarah Jessica Parker: [ still dumbfounded ] Well, at least Ollie North didn’t win!

[ finishes her song ]

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya.. tomorrow!
It’s only.. a daaay.. a.. waaaaaaayy!

Anyway.. we have got a great show. REM is here! so, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Michael O’Donoghue Tribute

… Bill Murray

[Former cast member Bill Murray stands at Home Base,addressing the camera.]

Bill Murray: Good evening. I’m here to breakthe news about a death in the family. This week,Michael O’Donoghue, one of the original writers andcreators of Saturday Night Live, died.

He had a tremendous influence on this show and on allof us. He was a writer that the writers, actors – andeven the producer – feared. And, in this business,it’s better sometimes to be feared than loved. Butwe’re not afraid of him any more — because he’s dead…. He’s dead and he went straight to hell. … Just -just to visit the couple people he had to meet– uh, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Richard Speck — andto await the arrival of Pam Grier.

Mike’s work included “Mr. Mike’s Least-Loved BedtimeTales,” “The Claudine Longet Invitational Ski Shoot,”and, of course, his famous impression of Mike Douglasjamming nine-inch needles into his eyes. Michael usedto say, “You only live once and, usually, not eventhen.” But Michael lived well – and we all loved him.Here’s a piece of his, written for Laraine Newman,with Michael O’Donoghue as the bartender.

[Murray looks off stage. Fade out. Fade in on the December 1977 SNL sketch Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled Kimono, in which a drunken LaraineNewman is asked to sing the aria from MadameButterfly while bartender O’Donoghue mixes a drinkhe calls “The Soiled Kimono.” Also appearing isO’Donoghue’s future wife Cheryl Hardwick who for manyyears was SNL’s musical director.

Afterwards, we return to Bill Murray at Home Base. Inhis hand is a drink — a Soiled Kimono, complete withpaper butterfly — with which he toasts the widow andthe deceased:]

Bill Murray: Here’s to Cheryl – [removes thepaper butterfly from the drink] – and to Michael.Takes a great man to make a great wake.

[Murray nods and downs the entire contents of theglass. Applause.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Gil Graham … Adam Sandler

[Norm MacDonald, in blue suit, sits at the WU desk andremoves the paper clip from his well-organized sheafof papers. Music. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Cheers and applause.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, I’m NormMacDonald, and this is the fake news. …

Well, it’s been a disastrous week for PresidentClinton. His party lost control of the House andSenate, and thirty-one governorships are now inRepublican hands. The only bright spot: he wascompletely exonerated in the murder of Bob Crane.[Image of newspaper story with headline reading “BobCrane’s Friend Acquitted in Death” and a photo ofCrane, star of TV’s “Hogan’s Heroes”] …

With Republican control of the Senate, Oregon’s BobPackwood will become chairman of the Senate FinanceCommittee. In a statement, he promised to massage thebudget, goose interest rates and, if possible, stickhis tongue down the throat of inflation. …

And in Connecticut, where I live, a House race was wonby a margin of just two votes. Well, that’s good. Myvote still wouldn’t have made any difference at all….

[Photo of woman firing a handgun as two uniformedpolice officers cover their ears] Young or old, maleor female – everyone loves to visit the White House!… [refers to a series of unconnected shootings atand around the White House in late 1994]

In an act of conciliation, China released eightpolitical prisoners this week. But they made it clearthat the other seventy-nine million would be executedwithout a trial. …

A French man who calls himself “The Snake Man” wasarrested this week after climbing up the side of aManhattan high rise. Yep! He climbed right up the sideof a high rise. Just like a snake! … [cheersand applause]

This week is Taxicab Appreciation Week. So, to all youtaxicab drivers out there: I’d appreciate it if you’dtake a shower once in a while, how would thatbe? … [cheers and applause]

A new hangover-free vodka is on the market. [some inthe crowd shout, “Woo, woo!”] Yeah. The ads claim thatthe 80 proof vodka is so pure, it’s virtuallyheadache-free. But, before you run out and buy it,remember: it causes massive anal bleeding. …

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed thefirst frontal lobotomy, died this week in Washington.If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes inthe skull and then inserting and rotating a knife todestroy brain cells. [slight pause – then,enthusiastically] What a genius – he’ll be missed!…

[Photo of actor Tom Cruise with his very pale wifeNicole Kidman] Well, Tom Cruise got ready for thepremiere of his new movie “Interview with the Vampire”by sucking all the blood out of wife Nicole’s– [Normturns to look at the photo] … [briefapplause]

Liza Minnelli has gotten word she’ll have to have ahip replacement operation. This marks the first timein fifteen years that the name “Liza Minnelli” and theword “hip” have been used in the same sentence. …[some applause, some groans]

George Foreman shocked the world this week– [cheersand applause] How about that, huh? He shocked theworld when after absorbing punishing blows to the headfor ten rounds, he knocked out Michael Moorer toregain the heavyweight crown. After the fight, Foremansaid he felt great and that Moorer’s punches had hadno effect on him whatsoever. He then proceeded togrant a ten minute interview to the ring post. [Photoof Foreman on knees in front of ring post] …[scattered applause]

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with some concertreviews, once again, our rock ‘n’ roll correspondent,Gil Graham!

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to hunched-over,bespectacled rock fan Gil Graham who wears a colorfulLed Zeppelin shirt and speaks with a weird, intensehalf-whisper. Norm shakes his hand.]

Gil Graham: Oh! Thanks, Norm! Thank you! Well,this fall’s concert menu is jam-packed with rock’n’ roll – so let’s take a bite!

October 11th – MTV studios. You need coolin’, baby,I’m not foolin’. That’s right – Led Zep reunites! Andguess who was the ninety-ninth caller to WROK’s LedZep Ticket Giveaway? I was just getting used to thecomforts of the backstage performers’ lounge whenlegendary Zeppelin road manager Peter “Mad Dog” Rudgeapparently thought my third free Mountain Dew was onetoo many. … He decided to emphasize his point bygiving me an old school ass-kickin’. … Theman dragged me by my jaw into a nearby stairwell.Unfortunately, this stairway did not lead toheaven … but, rather, to the most painful tenminutes of my life. … The walls were reverberatingwith the relentless mule kicks of a fifty year oldEnglish lunatic … along with the majestic openinglicks of “Kashmir.” When they rolled me out ontoFifty-Seventh Street, I couldn’t help but think, “Zep,it’s been a long time since you rock ‘n’ rolled – butit was worth the wait!” …

Next stop: October 17th – Nassau Coliseum – thegranddaddies of grunge – Soundgarden – ready to crankit up. I did not attend this concert. I had front rowtickets but my mother threw them out. She thought theywere drugs. … Catch you next year, Soundgarden….

November 11th – Radio City Music Hall – the concertevent of the year – the Christmas Spectacular! … Thematinee audience was mostly families and thus, alittle afraid to rock. … But the hypnotic rhythms ofthe kettle drums backin’ up the Rockettes had mestandin’ on my chair and screamin’ for Santa. … Iwas in such a trance-like state, I didn’t realize Iwas disrupting Snow White’s performance. You know,there are seven dwarves but, apparently, that day, allof them were grumpy. … They pounded me viciously …in front of several thousand people for aninappropriate amount of time. … One would think thattheir tiny fists would have little effect … buttheir combined impact was similar to that of a severehail storm! … Their underdeveloped hands reachedinto places I didn’t think were possible … causingmomentary pleasure, then unspeakable pain! … Itended up turning into a very special experience whenthe dwarves invited some underprivileged children downfrom the balcony to use me as a human spittoon! …All in all, the Radio City Christmas show was a rock’n’ roller’s wet dream.

Back to you, Norm – and, in the words of KISS, “Iwanna rock and roll all night and party ev-e-ryday!” [cheers and applause, Gil turns to Normand pounds the desk with his hand] Ido!

Norm MacDonald: [much amused] Gil Graham,ladies and gentlemen! [Gil waves and exits]

Model Carrie Otis made news this week when she statedthat she didn’t want Mickey Roarke showing up at herwork. Hey, ah, join the club, lady! You think any ofus want Mickey Roarke showing up at our work? …[very little reaction from crowd, Norm shrugs, crowdlaughs harder at the shrug] …

Former first lady Nancy Reagan reports that herhusband has been relaxing at their ranch, ridinghorses and chopping wood. Sadly, eyewitnesses reportthat he was actually riding wood and chopping horses….

The cast of “Baywatch” made a special appearance atDisney World in Florida where they were mobbed byadoring fans. Which proves my new theory:”German tourists love David Hasselhoff!” …[applause]

A two-inch hummingbird that waited too long to flysouth and ended up stranded in Alaska will be flownvia commercial airline to California this week. Youknow, I have another solution to this: Kill thehummingbird! … [scattered applause]

And – [Photo of ruddy-faced, overweight Senator TedKennedy draws a few hoots from the crowd] – our finalstory: Ted Kennedy says now that he’s won re-election,he can finally relax, get off that crazy diet, andreally let himself go. …

And that’s all for now, good night!

[Music. Cheers and applause. Pull back and fade awayas Norm shuffles and attempts to straighten hisdisorganized mass of papers.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 19th 1994

John Turturro

Tom Petty

Joey Buttafuoco

David Hasselhoff

It’s A Wonderful Newt

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, Newt Gingrich.

John Turturro’s Monologue

Eych

(Repeat) See: 05/14/94.

Christopher Walken’s Celebrity Psychic Friends Network

Recurring Characters: Christopher Walken.

Phone Hang-Ups

Tom Petty performs “You Don’t Know How It Feels”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Recurring Characters: Judge Ito.

Taxi Driver: The Musical

Stop That

Jamaica Tourism Ad

Dr. Ira Resnick

The Movie Club

Dr. Josh Levine

Tom Petty performs “Honey Bee”

Dr. Ira Resnick II

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6

94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

Jamaica Tourism Ad

Female Spokesperson…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Spokesperson…..Tim Meadows

[ Open on a shot of the beach. Happy island music plays. ]

Female spokesperson V/O: There is an island where the people are as ‘ospitable as the climate.

[ Fade to happy, laughing, grinning Jamaican spokespeople standing in front of a beach shot. ]

Female spokesperson: Where our white pristine beaches are your playground.

Male spokesperson: Because dey were put dere just for you.

Spokespeople: [ together ] And so were we!

Female spokesperson: Because when you va-key-shun in Ja-mey-ca, YOU’RE the boss!

Male spokesperson: And dat’s okay wit us!

Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] We do the cookin’, we do the cleanin’, we make your beds, we run the limbo contests!

Male spokesperson: We ‘old de stick while you try to limbo. It’s fun!

Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] Mess up your room all you like. I don’t mind bendin’ over to pick up your underwear! Why should I?

Male spokesperson: You want to t’row up in de pool, mon?

Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] No problem! We fish it out wit de skimmer!

Male spokesperson: Are you in college?

Female spokesperson: Then come on down, and get drunk and play loud music all night long while we’re trying to sleep, so that we can get up early to make your breakfast! Don’t worry!

Male spokesperson: It’s Jamaica!

Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] And feel free to complain to our boss about any little t’ing!

Male spokesperson: Report us, mon! Get us in trouble!

Female spokesperson: [ laughing ] If somet’ing is missing, assume we stole it! And then, when you find it in your suitcase, don’t apologize! No need! We’re used to it!

Male spokesperson: It’s Jamaica!

Female spokesperson: And bring de whoooooole fam’ly! We love de little children.

Male spokesperson: Because dey are de boss too!

Female spokesperson: We love it when a six-year-old says, “Gimme a towel, now!” It’s so cute!

Male spokesperson: So dis year, come on to Jamaica, because to tell you de truth, tourism is all we got!

Female spokesperson: Oh, I like the water! It feels so tickly!

[ Fade back to shot of beach from beginning. SUPER: JAMAICA / Where we basically live on tips ]

Female spokesperson V/O: Jamaica. Because basically, we live on tips.

Jingle: Jamaica, where we basically live on tips …

[ Applause ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6

94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

Dr. Josh Levine

Dr. Josh Levine…..Chris Elliott

FADE IN:

[ PHOTO OF DR. RESNICK (JOHN TURTURRO) ANGRY OVER A PATIENT. ZOOM ON PHOTO. ]

Narrator (V/O): Dr. Ira Resnick has been making some pretty wildaccusations about where Dr. Josh Levine went to school.

[ PHOTO INSERT OF DR. LEVINE SMILING. ]

[ SUPER: FACT — GRADUATED TUFTS MEDICAL SCHOOL ]

Narrator (V/O): Fact – Dr. Josh Levine graduated in the top 40% of hisTufts Dental School class.

[ SUPER: FACT — DIPLOMA AT PARENT’S HOUSE ]

Narrator (V/O): Fact – Josh Levine keeps his diploma at his parent’s house.

[ SUPER: FACT — STERILIZES HIS INSTRUMENTS ]

Narrator (V/O): And fact – Dr. Josh Levine sterilizes his instruments,something Dr. Resnick might want to look into.

[ PHOTO INSERT OF EARLIER DR. RESNICK PHOTO AND A ILLUSTRATION OF A MOUTHWITH “LIES” EDGED IN FROM PLAQUE. ]

Narrator (V/O): When you look at facts, Dr. Resnick accusations are a lotlike plaque… they need to be flossed away.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE – DAY

[ DR. JOSH LEVINE looms over a female patient with a drill. ]

Dr. Levine: Hi! I’m Dr. Josh Levine. I’ve been serving Bronxville’s dentalneeds for over seven years. Isn’t it time you came in for a cleaning thatyou knew was “clean”?

[ SUPER: DR. JOSH LEVINE – HE STERILIZES ALL HIS INSTRUMENTS ]

Narrator (V/O): Dr. Josh Levine – He sterilizes all his instruments.

Dr. Levine: And this month, 10% off all caps, bridges and crowns.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6

94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

It’s A Wonderful Newt

Richard Nixon…..John Turturro
Newt Gingrich…..Chris Farley
Annie…..Ellen Cleghorne
Rodriguez…..Janeane Garofalo
Marianne Ginther…..Laura Kightlinger
Nick…..Kevin Nealon

FADE IN:

[ An RKO release ]

[ TITLE CARD: IT’S A WONDERFUL NEWT ]

[ A sign reads: YOU’RE NOW IN WASHINGTON D.C. ]

[ SUPER: CHRISTMAS 1998 ]

[ EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. – NIGHT ]

[ Snow falls hard on the nation’s capital. The score from “It’s a Wonderful Life” plays over a montage of various D.C. landmarks. The Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives NEWT GINGRICH trudges onto a bridge looking over the Tidal section of the Potomac River. Speaker Gingrich sobs and lifts his left leg onto the edge of the bridge. Just then, President RICHARD NIXON appears. ]

Richard Nixon: Newt!!! Don’t do it!!

Newt Gingrich: Who are you!?

Richard Nixon: I’m your guardian angel — Richard Nixon!

Newt Gingrich: Mr. President!! I knew you’d make it to heaven!

Richard Nixon: Not quite… but I’m working on it. That’s actually one reason why I’m here, Newt.

Newt Gingrich: Well, I’m gonna kill myself. I’m gonna jump into the Potomac.

Richard Nixon: But you had a wonderful life, Newt Gingrich. As Speaker of the House, you were able to help many people — from the extremely rich to the crazy rich.

Newt Gingrich: I know! But $8,000 is missing from the House bank!

Richard Nixon: That’s nothing!! $8,000 is chicken feed! By the way, where is the $8,000?

Newt Gingrich: I don’t know! I think Al D’Amato picked it up by mistake. I could go to jail!! I wish I was never Speaker of the House!

Richard Nixon: Did you hear that? It might work!

Newt Gingrich: Who are you talking too!?

Richard Nixon: Uh… just a friend of mine. All right! You got your wish! You were never Speaker of the House!

[ The night sky clears up. No more snow. ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey! It stopped snowing.

Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh… Mr. Non-Speaker.

Newt Gingrich: Look — if you’re not gonna let me jump into the Potomac, I’m going to go get a gun and kill myself.

Richard Nixon: Where are we going?

Newt Gingrich: Martini’s Gun Shop.

[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon depart. ]

[ EXT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ]

[ Martini’s now reads MARTINI’S MINORITY TEEN EMPOWERMENT CENTER AND ABORTION CLINIC ]

[ INT. MARTINI’S – NIGHT ]

[ R&B MUSIC plays as several teens, mostly minorities, play board games and so on. A number of women wait in line seated to receive free abortions. A sign on the wall reads NO PRAYING. Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon stare in disbelief. ]

Newt Gingrich: I don’t understand!! This used to be Martini’s Gun Shop! Now it’s Martini’s Teen Empowerment Center and Abortion Clinic!

Richard Nixon: Uh-huh, uh-huh…

[ A teen in a wheelchair goes past the two. ]

Newt Gingrich: Hey! How’d he get up the stairs!?

Richard Nixon: He used the wheelchair ramp.

Newt Gingrich: Wheelchair ramp? But I had those things outlawed as part of my Anti-Cripple bill of 1995!

Richard Nixon: Don’t you see, Newt? The Anti-Cripple bill never passed, because you were not there to push it through Congress.

[ NICK the Bartender stands a counter full of educational literature. ]

Nick: Can I help you gentlemen?

[ Speaker Gingrich and President Nixon come over to Nick. ]

Newt Gingrich: Nick! Nick! What happened to this place? Free syringes! Free condoms!

[ Speaker Gingrich picks up a book. ]

Newt Gingrich: “Daddy Has a Friend Named Miguel”!?!?

[ Speaker Gingrich slams the book to the ground. ]

Newt Gingrich: This used to be a gun shop!! You had Uzis over here and assault rifles over here! And right here you had that beautiful display of exploding, armor-piercing, dum-dum bullets!

Nick: Sir, I don’t know who you are or even if you’re a U.S. citizen. But you certainly welcome to any of our free social services, provided completely at taxpayer’s expense.

Richard Nixon: See, Newt? Beginning to grasp the enchilada?

[ A gynecologist, ANNIE, comes out of her exam room. ]

Annie: Uh… Rodriguez?

[ A young Hispanic teenager, last name RODRIGUEZ, gets out of her chair. Speaker Gingrich spots Annie and makes his way over to her with President Nixon. ]

Newt Gingrich: Annie! Annie, it’s me! Newt Gingrich!

[ Annie smiles and shakes the Speaker’s hand. ]

Annie: Are you the new gay youth counselor?

[ Speaker Gingrich tears his hand away. ]

Newt Gingrich: No! I’m Newt Gingrich! Speaker of the House! Don’t you remember me!? You used to be our maid!?

Annie: Maid!? I was never a maid! I went to medical school under affirmative action and now I’m the head abortionist here at the Teen Empowerment Center.

Richard Nixon: Is this becoming perfectly clear, Newt?

Newt Gingrich: But I had affirmative action killed! I even sent a case of scotch over to Ted Kennedy’s house so he wouldn’t vote that day!!

Richard Nixon: Ted Kennedy never got that case of scotch because you were not there to send it to him!

[ The Rodriguez girl interrupts all three. ]

Rodriguez: Do I get my abortion or what?

[ Annie escorts her to the exam room. ]

Newt Gingrich: Look, Richard! I don’t what’s going on here, but tell me one thing — what happened to Hillary!?

Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know…

Newt Gingrich: She went back to Arkansas in disgrace, right!?

Richard Nixon: You don’t want to know, Newt!

[ Speaker Gingrich grabs President Nixon by his blazer. ]

Newt Gingrich: TELL ME, DICK!!!

[ President Nixon strikes his famous pose with both hands flashing the peace sign. ]

Richard Nixon: SHE’S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!

Newt Gingrich: NO!!!!!!

[ Speaker Gingrich is spinning in a vortex. He stops to catch his breath, then resumes spinning. ]

[ INT. GINGRICH BEDROOM – NIGHT ]

[ Newt wakes up screaming in bed. His wife, Marianne Ginther, stops reading President Nixon’s autobiography and comforts him. ]

Marianne Ginther: Newt! Newt! Are you okay?

Newt Gingrich: Huh!?

Marianne Ginther: You were having a bad dream!

Newt Gingrich: What year is it!?

Marianne Ginther: It’s 1998, silly.

Newt Gingrich: And who’s President!?

Marianne Ginther: Why, Michael Huffington, of course!

[ Speaker Gingrich sighs. ]

Newt Gingrich: Thank God!

Marianne Ginther: Honey, I was just reading Richard Nixon’s autobiography and I never noticed it before, but there’s an inscription to you in here. It reads — “Dear Newt, Remember – Every time a bell rings, I get poked in the ass with a pitchfork!”

Newt Gingrich: That’s right!

[ Speaker Gingrich smiles as he waits for a bell to ring. Playing Newt, Farley looks around for the “SNL” crew to ring a tiny bell. Nothing. Picking up quick, Farley continues to go on. He lowers his head to a small Christmas tree on the nightstand pretending a bell has rung. ]

Newt Gingrich: That’s right!

[ Farley and Kightlinger face the camera. ]

Newt Gingrich: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6

94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

Dr. Ira Resnick

Dr. Ira Resnick…..John Turturro

FADE IN:

[ PHOTO OF A GLUM JOSH LEVINE (CHRIS ELLIOTT) HOLDING A MOUTH MIRROR ]

Narrator (V/O): Dr. Josh Levine says he’s a good dentist. Dr. Josh Levinesays he attended Tufts Dental School, the best dental school in thecountry. The only problem is Tufts Dental School never heard of a Dr. JoshLevine.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE – DAY

[ DR. IRA RESNICK examines a woman’s teeth. ]

Dr. Resnick: Hi! I’m Dr. Ira Resnick, D.D.S. I attended a dental school atNassau Community College. It may not be Tufts, but I got a diploma. How doI know? Its hanging on the wall.

[ Dr. Resnick points to a large diploma behind him. ]

Dr. Resnick: If you’re in Bronxville and you need dental care, give me a call.

[ Dr. Resnick points to the camera. ]

SUPER: DR. IRA RESNICK – HIS DIPLOMA’S ON THE WALL. ]

Narrator (V/O): Dr. Ira Resnick – his diploma’s on the wall.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 6

94f: John Turturro / Tom Petty

Dr. Ira Resnick II

Dr. Ira Resnick…..John Turturro
Gloria…..Janeane Garofalo

FADE IN:

[ PHOTO OF A GLUM JOSH LEVINE (CHRIS ELLIOTT) SMILING CONFIDENT ]

Narrator (V/O): Dr. Josh Levine talks a lot about sterilizing instruments.Dr. Josh Levine says he cares. Then tell us, “Dr. Josh”, why your waitingroom is filled with six-month-old U.S. NEWS & WORLD REPORTS? And TELL US”Dr. Josh” —

[ PHOTO OF AN ELDERLY RECEPTIONIST. ]

Narrator (V/O): Why your receptionist is over 63-years-old? And finally,”Dr. Josh” —

[ PHOTO OF A DENTAL DRILL OPERATING ON A NERVE IN THE MOUTH. ]

Narrator (V/O): Why you don’t use Novocaine?

[ SOUND EFFECT OF A DRILL OPERATING. ]

Narrator (V/O): Come on, Dr. Josh! Don’t you think your patients deserve better?

[ SOUND EFFECT OF A WOMAN SCREAMING OVER AND OVER. ]

INT. DENTIST OFFICE – DAY

[ Dr. Ira Resnick stands next to his dental hygienist GLORIA. ]

Dr. Resnick: Hello! Dr. Ira Resnick here — telling Bronxville about mynewly decorated waiting room with the newest magazines and a fish tankwith REAL tropical fish and a 23-year-old hygienist. Isn’t that right, Gloria?

Gloria: That’s right, Dr. Resnick!

Dr. Resnick: Why do I do it? The same reason I use Novocaine — for you!!

[ Dr. Resnick points at the camera. ]

[ SUPER: DR. IRA RESNICK. HE USES NOVOCAINE. ]

Narrator (V/O): Dr. Ira Resnick. He uses Novocaine.

Dr. Resnick: And remember — I won’t feel you up when you’re unconscious!

[ SUPER: AND HE WON’T FEEL YOU UP WHEN YOU’RE UNCONSCIOUS. ]

Narrator (V/O): And he won’t feel you up when you’re unconscious.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts