[ a cowboy looks around the room until he spies a barfly sitting alone at the opposite side of the bar, then begins to exchange glances with her ]
[ after a brief round of flirting, the barfly stands, revealing her excessively pregnant belly, which she begins to shake playfully ]
[ the cowboy reacts with mild disappointment, but maintains his interest ]
[ the barfly slowly crosses the room, receiving wide-eyed reactions to her belly from a dude at the counter, the bartender, and three dudes sitting at a table. All are flabbergasted at the sight, yet can’t take their eyes off of her. A non-pregnant waitress reacts with disgust to the hold the barfly has on these men, and throws her towel down and storms away. ]
[ the barfly continues to cross the room, knocking over the bottles of beer and glasses that sit on the dudes’ table with her belly, then she seductively eats from their bowl of nuts ]
[ te barfly asks Table Dude 1 to scoot up his chair so her belly can pass through, then she continues to shake her belly playfully in order to continue flirting with the cowboy ]
[ the barfly then sits on the cowboy’s knee and gives him a lap dance ]
Cowboy: When’s your baby due?
Barfly: [ with a smirk ] Yesterday.
Cowboy: [ close-up of his shit-eating grin ] Perfect!
[ the barfly rises from the cowboy’s knee and walks away; his chair crashes to the floor ]
[ the barfly continues to shake her belly on the dance floor, then calls the cowboy over ]
Barfly: [ to the camera ] What? [ holds up perfume bottle ] I’m no angel!
[ SUPER: “I’m No Angel” ]
Announcer: I’m No Angel. The new sensual frangrance from the old, weird Greg Allman.
Greg Allman: Mmm… that’s me! [ sniffs barfly’s hair ] And I smell a bun in the oven!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 34: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 18th, 2008 Josh Brolin Adele None Tina Fey Gov. Sarah Palin Lorne Michaels Mark Wahlberg Alec Baldwin Oliver Stone None
Palin Press ConferenceSummary: As Tina Fey portrays Gov. Sarah Palin in a sketch, the real Sarah Palin watches backstage with Lorne Michaels and is confused for Tina Fey by hotheaded Alec Baldwin. Recurring Characters: Sarah Palin. Transcript
Montage
Josh Brolin’s MonologueSummary: Josh Brolin displays the mannerisms of President George W. Bush, but has to be reminded by director Oliver Stone to mention their film by name.
MacGruberSummary: Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while checking his stocks online. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Transcript
Surprise ProposalSummary: Chris (Josh Brolin) informs his friends that he’ll be proposing to his girlfriend Kath (Casey Wilson) that evening, but the excitement is much more than Sue (Kristen Wiig) can handle. Recurring Characters: Sue. Transcript
MacGruber IISummary: A financially-strapped Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while stealing valuables from Vicky (Kristen Wiig) and (Josh Brolin). Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Transcript
The Suze Orman ShowSummary: Financial expert Suze Orman (Kristen Wiig) is ignorant of the financial hardships expressed by her viewers. Recurring Characters: Suze Orman. Transcript
Wahlberg’s ConfrontationSummary: Mark Wahlberg demands an explanation from Andy Samberg for last episode’s “Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals” sketch. Transcript
I’m No AngelSummary: A heavily pregnant woman (Amy Poehler) flirts with rough riders at a honkytonk bar, as way of promoting Greg Allman’s (Will Forte) new fragrance. Recurring Characters: Greg Allman. Transcript
MacGruber IIISummary: A financially-strapped Macgruber (Will Forte) is sidetracked from defusing the bomb while trying to solicit money from Vicky (Kristen Wiig) and (Josh Brolin) for shooting a ping-pong ball out of his ass. Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky. Transcript
Adele performs “Chasing Pavements”
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Tim Calhoun (Will Forte) nervously represents America’s Write-in Party. French Def Jam comedian Jean K. Jean jokes about the economy. Amy Poehler takes over a Sarah Palin rap when the real Sarah Palin decides it would be a bad political move to perform it herself. Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun, Jean K. Jean. Transcript
FartfaceSummary: Jerry (Bill Hader) jokingly bestows grumpy co-worker Carl (Will Forte) with the nickname “Fartface”, which he quickly unloads on Jim Deaver (Josh Brolin) in an act of revenge that goes too far. Transcript
Narc SchoolSummary: Ms. Matthews (Casey Wilson) is unable to teach her class because all the students have been replaced with narcs (Josh Brolin, Kristen Wiig, Will Forte, Darrell Hammond).
ReadiTrade.comSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) promotes the web site where the primary aim is to sell or unload your stocks as quickly as possible. Transcript
New York UndergroundSummary: Trevor Dix (Bill Hader) profiles underground musician Joshua Rainhorn (Fred Armisen). Transcript
Adele performs “Cold Shoulder”
Fall FoliageSummary: Maniacal business executive (Josh Brolin) tries to push his employees to be as psyched about the Fall foliage as he is. Transcript
Lawrence Welk…..Fred Armisen Janice…..Anne Hathaway Holly…..Amy Poehler Nora…..Casey Wilson Denise…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: PBS now returns to another mildly enjoyable moment from the Lawrence Welk Show.
Lawrence Welk: Thank you, Thank you. And I am sorry to say we have come to that time again, time to say goodnight. I want to thank all our wonderful guests tonight. We’ve enjoyed the beautiful harmonies of the lovely Lennon Sisters, Joe Finni and Guy Holy, the deep baratone of Larry Hooper, the very nice and entertaining accordian sounds of Myron Florin, and the high clicking quick steps of Bobby and Cissy. Bobby, when are you gonna ask Cissy to marry you? She’s ready. Now to take us out is a sister act from the Finger Lakes making their wonderful “Lawrence Welk Show” debut. Please welcome the Meryl Sisters. And a one, and a two…
[dissolve to the Meryl Sisters, which consist of three attractive girls and a fourth who has a large forehead and tiny arms and sings terribly off-key]
All girls: [singing] Sisters do as sisters should, we’re all together, sisters
Janice: I’m Janice
Holly: I’m Holly
Nora: I’m Nora
Denise: And I’m Denise.
All: Sisters always stick together even when they fall in love
Janice: Like with my boyfriend
Holly: With my husband
Nora: With my fiancee
Denise: With me by myself.
All: Even though we’re all alike, we enjoy different things.
Janice: I like waterfalls
Holly: I like butterflies
Nora: I like rainbows
Denise: I like chasing cars.
All: We’ve enjoyed our time with you but now we have to run
Holly: Goodnight
Nora: Sweet dreams
Janice: Sleep tight
Denise: I found a dead cat on the side of the road, so I took it home and put some honey on it, and I cooked it and then I ate it Is that bad? Doo doo doo doo
Janice: Denise! Shut up!
(the other sisters leave Denise behind.)
Lawrence Welk: Thank you, thank you. Wonderful. Was her forehead really big, or was I looking through a couple of bubbles? (Denise goes around him, popping bubbles.) Thank you, thank you to our sponsors, Mammoth automobiles, and Clorox facial soap. Goodnight, and keep the song in your heart.
Announcer: Weekend update”, with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories:
The highly anticipated Vice Presidential Debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin was held Thursday night, and the big winner was whoever you already liked.
During an interview with Katie Couric, Tuesday, Sarah Palin said she is not opposed to gay people adding, “One of my absolute best friends for the last thirty years happens to be gay, and I love her dearly, and she doesn’t exist.”
Seth Meyers: O.J. Simpson was found guilty Friday on charges of armed robbery, assault and kidnapping — but. really, murder.
A man in Florida rescued his dog from a shark attack by jumping into the water and punching the shark. Just think: that dog would be dead today, if that man had been a little less drunk.
Amy Poehler: After a two year overhaul, the World War II aircraft carrier Intrepid finally arrived back at its dock on Manhattan’s west side, Thursday, where it was immediately attacked and sunk by Japanese kamikazes.
Panasonic, this week, unveiled a 150-inch flat-screen TV. Just in time for no one to afford it.
Seth Meyers: Good news, everybody: That house you couldn’t pay for? You’re paying for it!
The House, on Friday, passed the $700 billion Wall Street bailout package. President Bush then signed the bill into law, after consulting with his economic advisors: M.C. Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson.
Amy Poehler: Quite a trio. Here now, with an analysis of Friday’s House vote, is Weekend update financial expert Orville Willis Forte IV.
Orville Willis Forte IV: Thank you, Amy. Friday’s vote on the bailout package passed by a margin of 263 to 171. But that doesn’t tell the whole story. In order to truly understand Friday’s events, we need to know who voted how, and why. And I think this song might just explain that:
[ singing ] “When Friday’s tally was finally counted and that was all she wrote. People asked, “How did that pass? And how did everybody vote?”
Joe Bonner, Republican: Yay! Terry Everett, Republican: Yay! Mike Rogers, Republican: Yay! Robert Aderholt, Republican: Nay!
Bud Cramer, Democrat: Yay! Spencer Bachus, Republican: Yay! Arthur Davis, Democrat: Yay! Don Young, Republican: Nay!
Rick Renzi, Republican: Nay! Ted Franks, Republican: Nay! John Shadegg, Republican: Yay! Ed Pastor, Democrat: Yay!
Eric Mitchell, Democrat: Yay! Jeff Flake, Republican: Nay! Mary Landrieu, Democrat: Nay! Gabrielle Gifford, Democrat: Yay!
So that’s the first sixteen, just to get an idea There’s only five-twenty-two left to go! So sit back and relax as I go through the rest I think you’re really gonna enjoy the show!
Rick Snyder, Democrat: Yay! John Boozman, Republican: Yay! Mike Ross, Democrat: Yay! Mike Thompson, Democrat: Yay!”
Amy Poehler: Alright, Will, I’m sorry — I’m sorry. Can I just interrupt you for a second?
Orville Willis Forte IV: Oh, sure, Amy. I mean, in fact, in a lot of cultures, it’s polite to interrupt someone when they are singing a song. Uh — we, of course, don’t live in one of those cultures, but… you know… as a courtesy, I will assume you were raised in a separate culture from ours. So that you aren’t aware how very, very, VERY rude you just were. Uh — now, what’s your question?
Amy Poehler: I’m sorry, I-I — I just, I’m just a little worried about how long this song might take.
Orville Willis Forte IV: Well, Amy, let me explain to you how a democracy works. Uh, as I now know that you’re not from America, but, rather, some strange backwards country where friends interrupt friends while they’re singing. In America, every citizen is in a district, and each district has its own represenatives —
Amy Poehler: Okay, you know what? Just sing your song!
Orville Willis Forte IV: Thank you. But don’t you dare interrupt me again, Amy Poehler. Okay? From the top!
[ singing ] “When Friday’s tally was finally counted and that was all she wrote. People asked, “How did that pass? And how did everybody vote?”
Joe Bonner, Republican: Yay! Terry Everett, Republican: Yay! Mike Rogers, Republican: Nay!”
Wait! I mean “Nay!” I mean — whoa, whoa, whoa! From the top!
[ singing ] “When Friday’s tally was finally counted –“
Amy Poehler: No! Orville Willis Forte IV, everybody!
Seth Meyers: Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to earth this week, after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk. Which was made all the more impressive because they did it as a dragon.
Amy Poehler: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will perform at the 2009 Super Bowl halftime show in Tampa, Florida. Let’s just hope this doesn’t lead to a wardrobe malfunction, revealing Little Steven’s “Little Steven”.
Customs officers at the Sao Paulo, Brazil airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane. He might have gotten away with it, had they not been ostriches.
Seth Meyers: A 26 year-old former teacher in Nebraska, who fled to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him, was sentenced to six years in federal prison. Said the teacher, “How about twelve years in juvie?”
Amy Poehler: [ chuckles ] Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. The couple will honeymoon wherever he currently is.
Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. Of course, once he’s married, you know he’s gonna let himself go!
[ trying not to laugh ] Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend. They will spend their honeymoon attempting to locate his penis!
Seth Meyers: Are you done?
Amy Poehler: Yeah! I had my fun, and I’m done now!
Seth Meyers: Alright. Well, I’m glad.
Manuel Uribe, the world’s heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend… in an attempt to get cake.
Amy Poehler: Here’s $20!
Seth Meyers: Thank you, I —
Amy Poehler: $20! [ she cracks up louder than she’d planned ]
An art historian believes that the meal eaten in Leonardo da Vinci’s Last Supper was not bread or lamb as previously thought, but eel garnished with orange slices. The historian will present his theory at the upcoming symposium, “Things That Don’t Matter”.
Seth Meyers: Two planes scheduled to land on the Greek isle of Lesbos had to circle for half an hour because an air traffic controller overslept. Though I’m guessing a lot of activities on the island of Lesbos involve circling for half an hour.
Referee…..Will Forte …..Andy Samberg …..Kristen Wiig …..Kenan Thompson
[open on title screen: “An SNL Digital Short”]
[ SUPER: “EXTREME ACTIVITIES COMPETITION” ]
[ cut to Andy Samberg running around a corner, with SUPER: “ANDY” ]
[ SUPER: “VS” ]
[ cut to Kristen Wiig exercising in an office, with SUPER: “KRISTEN” ]
[ SUPER: “ROUND 1” ]
[ cut to the opponents seated at a table, with SUPER: “ARM WRESTLING” ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle; Andy and Kristen are at first in a deadlock, but then, finally, Andy triumphs for the win, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle at the center of a court, with SUPER: “WALKING” ]
[ Andy and Kristen each walk in a straight line toward the center, until the Referee blows his whistle in Krstien’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to separate court area, with SUPER: “HAT BALANCE” ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle, as Andy and Kristen each place a hat arop their head and hold their balance; finally, the Referee blows his whistle, with SUPER: “TIE” ]
[ cut to park area, as Referee blows his whistle with SUPER: “SHOE HANDS” ]
[ Andy holds up his hands one at a time, each with a sneaker on the end ]
[ Kristen holds up one hand with a pump on the end, then holds up the other hand with a pineapple on the end ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle in Andy’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to Andy and Kristen relaxing by a fountain, with SUPER: “TEA BREAK” ]
[ cut to Andy and Kristen seated in chairs along a promenade, as the Referee blows his whistle with SUPER: “CHAIR PIN” ]
[ Kristen holds her chair in place, but andy finally falls over as his chair flies into the air ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle in Kristen’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle, with SUPER: “ACT CASUAL” ]
[ cut to Andy carefully leaning against a tree without actually allowing his hand to touch the tree ]
[ cut to Kristen leaning upon a bench without actually allowing her legs or butt to touch the bench ]
[ the Referee finally blows his whistle in Andy’s favor, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the threesome standing in the grass, with SUPER: “LOOK GREAT WEARING STRIPES” ]
[ the Referee blows his whistle, as we cut to see Kristen suddenly wearing green stripes, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle, with SUPER: “HATE THE REFEREE” ]
[ cut to separate instnaces of Andy and Kristen yelling at the referee, then cut to him yelling at himself while staring into a bathroom mirror, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the threesome standing in a hotel room, with SUPER: “BECOME JANE” ]
[ Kristen snaps her fingers and turns into Jane ]
[ Andy snaps his fingers and also turns into Jane, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the threesome standing in the hall, with SUPER: “HUMAN ATM” ]
[ Andy opens his jacket to reveal a t-shirt with a 3×3 grid of the numbers 1-9, as Kenan Thompson steps up, places his ATM card in Andy’s mouth, then withdraws his cash from Andy’s butt, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee blowing his whistle, with SUPER: “DO THIS” ]
[ cut to Kristen and Andy bouncing their shoulders up and down ]
[ cut to the threesome standing at a gate, with SUPER: “BECOME A REFEREE IN A DESPERATE BID FOR HUMAN INTERACTION” ]
[ cut to the Referee staring at himself in a bathroom mirror, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to the Referee leaning against an outdoor wall while crying, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
[ cut to separate instnaces of Andy and Kristen yelling at the referee, then cut to him yelling at himself while staring into a bathroom mirror, with SUPER: “WINNER” ]
Mary Poppins…..Anne Hathaway Bert…..Bill Hader Constable Jones…..Will ForteMichael Banks…..Bobby Moynihan Jane Banks…..Casey Wilson
[ open on storybook courtyard scene ]
Mary Poppins and Children: (Singing) “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. If you say it loud enough. you’ll always sound precocious. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
[ the children giggle, as they bench seats opposite Mary Poppins ]
Jane Banks: Oh, Mary Poppins, that was EVER so much fun!
Michael Banks: What a delightful new word!
Jane Banks: It must be the LONGEST word in the dictionary.
Michael Banks: And the SILLIEST!
[ an unsettling tension suddenly fills the air ]
Jane Banks: What does it mean, Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: [ taken aback ] What? Ohhh, that doesn’t matter. Its just a silly-billy word. Now, who wants to ride a magical carousel?
Jane: I do! But first, please tell us what that word means.
Michael Banks: Yes, there must be some kind of working definition.
Mary Poppins: Well. If you must know, “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” is a disease of the liver. It’s very rare and extremely painful.
Jane Banks: Goodness! How’d you ever learn a word like that Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: I have it! I have the disease!
Michael Banks: Oh!
Jane Banks: Is it… as fun to have as it is to say, Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: Well… no. What happens, basically, is that your liver stops producing bile. Gradually, you lose the ability to break down acids, and eventually your body just shuts down. Sure is fun to sing though. [ she laughs ] “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!” [ she laughs more maniacally ]
Children: Is it… contagious, Mary Poppins?
Mary Poppins: Yes! But only for grown-ups.
Michael Banks: What does that mean?!
Mary Poppins: How do I explain it? Sometimes when a man and a woman really fancy each other…
[ suddenly, Bert the chimney sweep appears ]
Bert: ‘ello everyone!
Children: Bert!!
[ Jane runs to greet Bert ]
Bert: Oh, easy, children! I’ve got one heck of a stomachache. It must be your cooking, Mary Poppins!
[ Mary smiles nervously ]
Michael Banks: [ excitedly ] We just — we just learned a new word! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Bert: Oh, how delightful!
Michael Banks: It’s a disease of the liver!
Jane Banks: Mary Poppins has it!
Michael Banks: [ he whispers loudly ] It’s spread amongst grown-ups!
Bert: [ he freezes in place ] Is that right? Childrne, would, uh — excuse us for one moment? [ he approaches Mary ] What they say, Mary? Do you… have something?
Mary Poppins: Oh, Bert. Don’t worry. You look healthy to me.
Bert: Healthy? I’ve got black lung from sweeping the chimneys, and now you’ve given me supercalifragi-whatever.
Michael Banks: [ singing ] “Expialidocious!”
Bert: [ to children ] Shut it!
Mary Poppins: Oh, Bert. Cheer up. It’s not that bad. (Singing with the children) “Because… just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way!!”
Bert: [ sarcastically ] Sugar. That’ll cure my disease.
[ Constable Jones enters the courtyard ]
Constable Jones: ‘ello guys!
Children: Constable Jones!! [ they start to rise ]
Constable Jones: Oh, don’t come near me. I’m feeling awfully sick. Must be your cooking, Mary Poppins! So, uh — what’s the good word.
Bert: Listen, Tommy… [ he whispers into Constable jones’ ear ]
Constable Jones: Oh, no. Supercalifragi-what?
Michael Banks: [ singing ] “Expialidocious!”
Bert: Come on, I’ll buy you a whiskey. Come on. [ they exit ]
Michael Banks: This has been… a very unusual day, Mary Poppins.
Mary Poppins: Well, I’m a very unusual nanny! [ she laughs maniacally ] I guess I’m in pretty serious denial!
Mary Poppins and Children: (Singing) “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!”
Michael Modesto…..Jason Sudeikis Tanya Mitchell…..Anne Hathaway Melanie Moore…..Casey Wilson Trevor Johnson…..Kenan Thompson Christopher Smalls…..Bobby Moynihan Animal Expert…..Kristen Wiig Tom Geneveve…..Will Forte Redneck…..Fred Armisen Andrea St. James…..Amy Poehler
[ open on Sioux City 3 graphic ]
Announcer: Stay tuned for your local news, on Channel 3 — Sioux city’s finest, AND America’s “Most Youtubed” news team!
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: With… lead anchor, Michael Modesto.
Michael Modesto V/O: “A local family has been left homeless –“
[ slight offscreen snort from Modesto, as the camera finally dissolves to his in-studio clip ]
Michael Modesto: [ with “Holiday Fire” graphic over his left shoulder ] “A local family has been left homeless –” [ he snorts again ] “for the holidays, after –” [ he snorts louder, unable to maintain his composure ] Excuse me! [ he clears his throat ] “…after a fi-reee… after a fire that burned down their tree –” [ he cracks up harder, joined by his co-anchor ] I’m sorry! It’s not funny! Would you stop!
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Co-anchor, Tanya Mitchell.
[ dissolve to her in-studio clip ]
Tanya Mitchell: Up next, City Councilman Doug Parks faces bribery charges, when we returnr. [ thinking the camera has stopped rolling, she turns to face her offscreen co-anchor ] I told you about him, didn’t I? [ she motions her fingers together to represent a shrinking penis ] Woo-oo-ooh! Believe me, I have SEEN it! [ she looks up ] What? We’re still on the –? [ she panics ] Ummmmm….
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Human Interest reporter, Melanie Moore.
[ dissolve to her in-studio clip: interview with Trevor Johnson ]
Melanie Moore: I’m here with Trevor Johnson, who’s planning a big, black penis — a… big block party! [ she smiles ] Excuse me.
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Feature reporter, Christopher Smalls.
[ dissolve to his in-studio clip: animal expert segment ]
Christopher Smalls: Now… if I wanted to take the wife and kids to see some of these critters, what would — [ the lizard jumps out its cage and lands on Smalls’ jacket pocket ] Aiiiigghhhh!!! I’M DEAD!! I’M DEAD!! [ he faints ]
[ dissolve to Youtube logo ]
: The ONLY local news team with over nine-million Youtube hits combined!
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: Featuring, Sports Reporter Tom Geneveve.
[ dissolve to his exterior clip, standing in front of sports arena as a redneck wanders into the background and begins to accentuatethe bulge of his penis ]
Tom Geneveve: The Sioux City Bandits are off to a GREAT start this year. They beat Billings, 31 to 30 in overtime, and tomorrow they take on River City. That figures to be a great game —
[ dissolve to anchor promo shot ]
Announcer: And… meteorologist, Andrea St. James.
[ dissolve to her exterior clip: amid howling wind ]
Andrea St. James: Winds have reached speeds of over 80 miles an — [ a milabox breezes past her face] WHOA!! That was a close one! [ scattered pieces of mail fly at her face and hit her instead ] AIIIGGGHHH!!!! So many paper cuts!!
[ cut to Michael Modesto and Tanya Mitchell at the news desk ]
Michael Modesto: Whoa-oa! Special Delivery! [ he chuckles, failing to get a rise of Tanya Mitchell ]
[ dissolve to Sioux City 3 card ]
Announcer: Tune in and see why MORE people forward clips of THIS news team than ANY other!
[ cut to Tanya Mitchell looking off-camera, unaware that the tape is rolling ]
Tanya Mitchell: Hey. Hey, does that guy, Tino Donovan… does he — does he still sell weed? What? [ she glances at the camera, surprised ] Ohhhh!! [ she chuckles ] Ha-ha-HI!!
[ cut to group anchor shot ]
Announcer: Sioux City’s Channel 3 news team. Catch them tonight, or ANYT TIME, on your computer.
Anne Hathaway: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you,thank you, thank you! It is GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! [ audience cheers ]
So… I just had a busy summer. I did some traveling… I’ve got a new movie out, called “Rachel Getting Married”… [ audience cheers ] Oh. And, also, I broke up with my Italian boyfriend, and, two weeks later, he was heading to prison for fraud. [ audience cheers ] Yeaahhhh!! Alright! I mean, we’ve all been there — am I right, ladies? [ she gauges the reaction ]
So, the experience made me feel pretty gullible, and I was ready to SWEAR off dating. But… then… I met an amazing new guy! I feel almost embarrassed to say this, but… we met on the Internet. I usually don’t read letters from strangers, but… how often do you get e-mail from a Nigerian prince? [ the audience laughs as Hathaway beams with pride ] And he is such a sweetheart. And, notthat it matters, but he is pret-ty wealth-y! [ she giggles ] And he wants to know EVERYTHING about me! He asked about my family, my friends, and, just yesterday, he asked what my Social Security number was! How sweet… is… that!
Now, I know what you’re all thinking: “Why is Anne Hathaway so… lucky?” I don’t know! I don’t know! And… yesterday was our one-month anniversary, and, I know it’s sappy, but, I sent him something I knew he’d love: a mix CD! And $100,000! [ she laughs ] I feel… pretty good about us! And, who knows, maybe someday you’ll be hearing, “And the Oscar goes to me, Princess O-go-arg-i-se-van!” [?]
We have a GREAT show for you tonight. The Killers are here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
Don Pardo: And now: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
[graphic dissolves to Mark Wahlberg in a farm setting]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey! I’m Mark Wahlberg. You guys know me. Let’s go talk to some animals.
[walks over and kneels next to a dog]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, dog. How’s it goin’? I like your fur, that looks really great. So you’re a dog, right? What’s that all about? [dog just stares ahead, oblivious] Okay, well it was great to meet you. Say hi to your mother for me, okay? [stands up] Now I’m gonna talk to a donkey.
[walks over to a donkey and bends down]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, donkey. What’s goin’ on? You’re a donkey, I like that. You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage. [donkey just stares ahead, oblivious] Okay, talk to you later, donkey. [stands up] Now I’m gonna talk to a chicken.
[walks over to a chicken on top of several crates]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, chicken. How’s it hangin’? A lot of people wanna eat you, but I just wanna talk to you, okay? We should do a film together, whaddya think? [chicken looks around uninterested] Hey, chicken, I’m not joking around, okay? This is the real thing, I mean this could be huge! [chicken continues to look uninterested] All right, well, think about it. Say hi to your mother for me, alright? Now I’m gonna talk to a goat.
[walks over and sits down next to a goat]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, goat. It’s good to see you. I like your beard. I had a beard like that in The Perfect Storm. Did you see that movie? [goat stares ahead oblivious] Did ya, did ya see The Perfect Storm, goat? [goat still stares ahead blankly] Say hi to your mother for me, okay?
Don Pardo: This has been: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
Katy Perry…..Casey Wilson Female Golfer…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer: Katy Perry…This girl is taking America by storm with her riskee single “I Kissed A Girl”.
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I Kissed A Girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry chapstick I Kissed a Girl and I liked it I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.”
Announcer: Yeow…Talk about sexual. And just when you thought Katy Perry couldn’t be any naughtier…she didn’t. That’s right, it’s the Less Provocative Songs of Katy Perry. With family friendly hits like “I ate a Snack.”
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I ate a snack and I liked it it was a Twix with peanut butter I ate a snack with my girlfriend, but we didn’t do any gay stuff.”
Announcer: The Less Provocative Songs of Katy Perry. Cuz if you take away the blunt sexual overtones, this girl still has plenty to sing about.
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I saw a boat and I liked it…” (shrugs and mouths “I don’t know”)
Announcer: Just wow… believe it or not, they’re almost all that good. Rolling Stone magazine says “No.” This is the only album where you’ll find such soon-to-be classics such as “I Threw a Ball”, “I Peeled Some Fruit”, “I Own A Pen”, and the exquisite, “I Held a Cat”
Katy Perry: [ singing ] “I held a cat and I liked it, its fur was soft like the touch of a woman I held a cat in the shower then I french kissed a female golfer.”
[ a female golfer is is uncomfortable by this gesture, then begins to lean into it ]
Announcer: Uh oh! Ha! Just ignore that last one. The Less Provocative Songs of Katy Perry. Now available in stores.
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