Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Department of Justice logo at right top corner.]

According to a Justice Department report on Ferguson police, African American’s make up 93% of all arrest in the city. 93%? That is high. It’s only 92% in Nigeria. 93% means, if 92 people get arrested in Ferguson, 9 of them are black and one of them is kind of beige. I wanna know what did the 7% of white people get arrested for? What was it? Not arresting enough black people?

The review found that 88% of the cases involving the use of force were against African Americans. Black residents say they found the police report almost as shocking as they found the police tasers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hillary Clinton tweeted this week that she has asked the State Department to release all of her emails from her years as Secretary of State. No word yet on the identity of the lucky individual who has to read through 50,000 emails from a grandma. I’m just excited because based on the emails I get from my grandma, there’s gonna be some pretty interesting stuff about Obama.

[Picture changes to an email where subject is as “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: KENYAN:”.]

[Picture changes to Benjamin Netanyahu]

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu came to address congress about the threat from Iran. And he left as the front runner for the 2016 republican nomination.

[Picture changes to an airplane]

A Delta airplane skidded off a snowy runway while landing at New York’s Laguardia airport slamming through a fence and almost falling into the bay. But the good news is, [Picture changes to a pilot with a glass of whiskey] the pilot didn’t even spill his drink. Afterwards, passengers were safely removed from the airplane, at which point Delta charged them $45 crash survival fee.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official portrait revealed that he painted a shadow in the shape of the dress to represent affairs with Monica Lewinsky. Also, it’s suttle, but if you look very closely at the painting, you can see that Clinton is not wearing pants.

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a haunted mansion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A haunted ten bedroom mansion in Staten Island has been–

Male voice: [interrupting the news] Psst! Hey yo, Che!

Michael Che: [ignoring] — hold on sale for over $two million.

[Riblet is standing behind the camera]

Riblet: Yo Che! Come on, the boys are in the court! Come on man!

Michael Che: What are you doing, man? We are live right now.

[Riblet turns around and looks at cameras]

Riblet: Are we live? Yo, from New York? [Riblet runs to Michael Che behind the desk] Oh, yo! Introduce me, Che! Yo, come on! Don’t be a rude dude! What’s going down?

Michael Che: This is my buddy from high school, Riblet.

Riblet: Yeah! It’s Riblet baby!

Michael Che: Riblet, I told you last time. Please don’t bother me when I’m working, man!

Riblet: Oh, wow! Oh, so now I’m bothering you? Whilst you are working? Because it looks like you just sitting, Che!

Michael Che: I am not just sitting. I am working hard!

Riblet: Oh, please! [Cut to Riblet] I work at Friendly’s, boo! And I run Star Wars tribute night. What does that mean? I don’t work hord? I’m confused.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s exactly what it means. You don’t work hord. This is not easy, Riblet!

Riblet: Oh! Oh, but Michael, it is baby! Even Riblet can do you jorb. Check-check-check it out.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of eyelash at right top corner.]

{Reading news] A new study shows that humans have long eyelashes to keep their eyes from drying out. While a similar study shows that humans have fake eyelashes to let you know they nasty.

Oh! Shots fired!

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Oh, now tell me what Chewbacca’s real name is. Oh, you don’t know? It’s Peter Mayhew. I guess you don’t work as hord.

Michael Che: Riblet, just because you know the guy inside Chewbacca’s costume–

Riblet: That’s a costume? I thought that was a real monkey.

Michael Che: Yes. But, can you get out of here so I can finish, please?

Riblet: Oh, I’m sorry Che. Am I being a nuisance? Or what? You can’t finish unless Riblet is waiting in a cor? Come on, man. Well, break a news sucker!

Michael Che: Again?

[Cut to Riblet.There’s a picture of J.K. Simmons at right top corner.]

[Reading news] In his acceptance speech for best supporting actor, J.K. Simmons urged everyone watching to take their time to call their mother. And if you can’t find your mama’s number, Che, I know I got it! Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Coz I’m the Ribita-ribita-ribita-Riblet! Now, tell me C-3PO’s real name. Oh, you didn’t know that? It’s Anthony Daniel. So, who’s smorter now?

Michael Che: I’m smorter. Alright, look, just because–

Riblet: I don’t believe you, Che!

Michael Che: Just because you know the guy and C-3PO’s costume–

Riblet: [yelling] That’s a costume too? There’s no way. That’s a skinny robit! How’s that possible?

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m just saying. There’s a lot more to this job–

Riblet: Jorb! It’s jorb.

Michael Che: — than being smart and knowing Star Wars stuff and telling jokes. You have to look nice, okay? You need a news anchor suit.

Riblet: Oh, what? I don’t look nice? Or what? I don’t look awesome? Ayo, Dan. Can I get a single on camera three homie? Please?

[Riblet opens his jacket. He has a suit on inside.]

Real quick, here we go. And, yoinks!

[Riblet takes his wig off.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold at right top corner.]

[cheers and applause]

Now, I don’t know what you see when you look at this picture. But when I look at this picture, [Picture changes to Michael Che] I see black and jorbless. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet. A delivery boy comes in.]

Delivery boy: I have a package for Riblet.

Riblet: I’m Riblet.

Delivery boy: Okay. Here we go. Thank you. Oh, a package?

[Cut to Riblet. He’s opening the package.] Let’s see what we got here. Alright. OH, how nice?

[Riblet takes a mic out of the box and drops it on the table.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a map picture of Ohio and a glass of water at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At this year’s international water tasting contest, Hamilton, Ohio won for having the best tasting water. While the town with the worst tasting water is Dookieville, Illinois.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Pennsylvania college student has made a fully functional Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes and baseball bats. He’s just like the real Batman, except his parents only wish they were dead.

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That si good.

[Picture changes to a file of research]

Colin Jost: New research suggest that people with attention deficit disorder are twice as likely to die at a younger age. Boring! On to the next story! Ow, my chest hurts!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a marijuana and paints at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So dumb! A new art class is being offered in Colorado which people openly smoke marijuana and paint. The class is called ‘Every Art Class’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Seattle and an egg on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in Seattle say a woman was knocked unconscious after she was hit by an egg thrown from a car that sped away. So, she never even heard the driver’s warning to [Picture changes to a rooster driving a car] stay out of chicken town.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Chris Brown at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Chris Brown was forced to cancel upcoming concerts in Montreal and Toronto after being denied entry in Canada. But, hey, Chris, don’t beat yourself up over this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pope Francis and a Mexican flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mexican officials are upset with Pope Francis after he said he was concerned about the increased drug trafficking in his native Argentina, calling it Mexicanization. Pope Francis later apologized calling his comment “As dumb as a Guatemalan.”

[Picture changes to two Llamas]

Authorities in Arizona spent nearly two hours chasing a pair of Llamas through the streets after they escaped from a petting zoo. But thankfully, this story has a happy ending. No one was hurt and Llamas were safely returned to their prison of unwanted touching.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alex Rodriguez at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alex Rodriguez reported to Yankeez spring training this week after completing his 162 game suspension. “You know, it feels good to be back at work”, said A Rod’s steroid dealer.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Middle East map at left top corner.]

This week, ISIS, destroyed priceless artwork in Mosul, recruited even more teenagers and delivered a devastating psychological attack that made us question everything we believe in.

[Picture changes to a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold.]

Is it white and gold? It’s white and gold, right? Look at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Che, what do you think?

Michael Che: I don’t care, man! At all.

Colin Jost: I mean, it’s crazy. I mean, have you ever seen two groups of people look at the exact same image and have two totally different opinions about it?

Michael Che: Yeah, I remember one time.

[Cut to a picture of Barack Obama looking fair.]

Hey, what color is that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a speech this week Hilary Clinton stressed the need for compromise in Washington. Saying she hopes to lead the country into “A warm purple space.” Which is the same line Grimace uses to get you into his [Picture changes to a cartoon Grimace and a delivery van] windowless van.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Obama this week vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline which was only the third veto he has issued as president. The used the other two to shut down proposed extensions of [Picture changes to Joe Biden smiling under blanket fort] Joe Biden’s White House Blanket Fort.

[Picture changes to Islamic flag and two teenage girls]

British authorities are saying there is a disturbing trend of upper class teenage girls running away from home to join ISIS. Damn, first Brooklyn, now ISIS. Rich girls with gentrify anything. ISIS is only a Trader Joe’s away from being the first terror group dismantled by a rent increase. Though, I am looking forward to the inevitable new face of ISIS, [Picture changes to Iggy Aalea wearing hijab. Her name is written as ‘Iggy Al-Zalea’ in the banner behind her] ‘Iggy Al-Zalea. Showing all the Grammy’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in twentysixteen. “Great”, said his interviewer. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at the cash counter of grocery store.] “But my question was, paper or plastic?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, marijuana is the safest recreational drug people can use. “Huh, interesting”, said a million black dudes in jail for marijuana.

Weekend Update One-Dimensional Female Character On The Super Bowl

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow night. And here with her predictions for the big game, is the one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome back, Heather.

Heather: It’s me, Heather, from work. [Cut to Heather] You might not have noticed me but when you’re making jokes with your friends during the meetings, I’m the one at the back going… [Heather rolls her eyes and sighs]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, so for your one dimensional female character, I hear you’re actually a pretty big football fan.

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I know. It’s pretty confusing, right? I’m a girl, but I’m also hot. But I also like sports. It’s why I’m in this cute girl jersey. And tonight, I’m gonna walk in front of my stainless steel refrigerator in just this and no pants. That’s how much I like sports.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great! So, do you have any predictions on the score?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Fine. I’ll go out with you. But I’ll probably get annoyed of you half way through dinner and leave. You really need to grow up.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I do?

Heather: You’re one to talk. [Cut to Heather] Do you even remember Megan’s lunch party? You were so wasted. You made a fool of yourself. While I was in the back in my $8,000 dress, my face was like this all night. [makes confused face] You need to grow up.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what do you think, like, Seahawks? Patriots?

Heather: Alright, the truth. I’m pregnant.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you’re pregnant?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: You just can’t tell it from looking at my body from the front, or the back. Or in a bikini. My body just doesn’t show it, ever. And it never will. Sorry, I’m so complicated.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I feel like I’m missing something here.

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Oh, just like you missed the Jamar’s class because you decided to get thrown in the country jail for streaking with your friends. Fat Jerry and horny one.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is anyone following this?

Heather: Remember? You called me from jail [Cut to Heather] and I said, “Um-hmm! Um-hmm. [sigh].”

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Heather, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Heather: Nice try Colin. [Cut to Heather] Run away like you always do. [starts crying] You know what the worst part is? I actually thought you’d be excited about this. God, I’m so stupid.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Heather, I’m utterly baffled by what’s going on right now. But I promise I had no intention to making you cry.

[Heather looks at Colin Jost and music starts playing]

Heather: Wow! You really have changed. You’ve grown up a lot.

Colin Jost: When?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I guess my sassy gay friend was right about you. He said, “Girl, that guys is fierce [pointing the heart] in here.” Queen didn’t lie. Here, do you want to hold your baby?

[Heather passes a baby doll to Colin Jost]

He has your eyes and your face.

Colin Jost: Oh my god, I’m a dad. I mean, I have so much to teach my child. Wait a second, is this the baby from American Sniper?

Heather: I know, confusing, right?

Colin Jost: The one dimensional female character from male driven comedy, everyone!

Heather: Go pass!

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog on a weighing machine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that half of the dogs in the US are overweight. Which explains why the most popular breed in America is the type type 2 dia-beagle.

[Picture changes to a calendar of the month February.]

It’s February which means it’s black history month. A time when post offices release special stamps as a tribute to great people of color. Famous black heroes like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, [Picture changes to Panthro comic character] Panthro, etc. etc. But this year, I’d like to see stamps of lesser known black heroes that history books may have forgotten. I mean we all know Thurgood Marshall, the first black member of the Supreme Court. But do you know PJ Morton? The first black member of Maroon 5? He could use a stamp. There’s a stamp for Crispus Attucks, the first American to die in revolutionary war. But what about the stamp for Crispus Attucks’s mother? The first black woman to name her son Chrispus!

Of course we all know Jackie Robinson, the first African American in major league baseball. But do you know Johnny Keys, the first black man in interracial porno? I know what you’re thinking, but could you imagine what Johnny Keys had to go through in those days? I mean, Jackie Robinson got death threats and he was just playing baseball with white people. Johnny Keys should be on every stamp. And while we’re giving out stamps, how about Maury Povich? I know he is white. But he has brought more black families together than anyone I can think of. [There’s a picture of Maury Povich’s TV show] And he set more black men free than Abraham Lincoln himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sam smith and Tom Petty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Sam Smith has agreed to pay Tom Petty royalties for his hit song ‘Stay With Me’ due to it’s resemblance to Petty’s song ‘I won’t back down’. While Petty has agreed to pay royalties to Disney due to his resemblance to [Picture changes to Tom Petty and cartoon Jiminy Cricket] Jiminy Cricket.

[Picture changes to Disney cartoon]

Disney this week unveiled Elena, it’s first Latina princess. Oh, sure, but when I call someone a Latina princess, I’m “ruining the quinceanera”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Court and a bat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How many quinceanera are you going to, man? People fled a courtroom in Arkansas after more than 30 bats flew inside during the trial. “Uh, that doesn’t not look good for me”, said the woman on trial for witchcraft.

[Picture changes to Hershey’s milk chocolate]

The Hershey company has announced that it has purchased Krave Pure Foods which makes beef jerky. Hershey made the purchase while drunk at a gas station.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A cat who was buried by it’s owner after it was hit by a car dug it’s way out of the grave and returned to it’s owner five days later. That story again, a lady found a cat that looked like her old cat.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Mitt Romney announced Friday that he would not be running in the 2016  presidential race. [audience applaud] To which republicans responded, [in soft voice] “No, please, no. Okay.”

[Picture changes to Raul Castro]

Cuban’s Raul Castro has demanded that if the US wants to restore full diplomatic relations, it must return control of Guantanamo bay to Cuba. And I’m guessing, we’re not getting back [Picture changes to people held in prison.] our security deposit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia flag.]

Michael Che: President Obama defended the need for the US to maintain a closer lines with Saudi Arabia despite the country’s poor human rights record. But I get what Obama’s doing. You see, oil is our drug and Saudi Arabia is our dealer. And you can’t expect to like everything about your drug dealer. Coz I mean, like most drug dealers, Saudi Arabia is a little sketchy and he has some strange opinions on politics and women, but you listen to him anyway. And you should, coz he’s got that loud sticky icky oil. It ain’t easy to find.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

The New Jersey governor Chris Christie has filed paperwork to form a political action committee which is step one, toward a possible presidential campaign. However, Christie maintains as step zero on his fitbit.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was noted this week that the acronym for Chris Christie’s new political action committee, LeadershipMattersForAmerica.Org spells out the internet slang, LMFAO. Not to be confused with Joe Biden’s slogan, [Picture changes to Joe Biden with his slogan acronym ‘DTF’] Deliver The future.

[Picture changes to Super Bowl]

During the Super Bowl on Sunday, the NFL will show it’s first anti-domestic violence PSA. Hey, that’s smart. Show at the one time NFL players can’t watch it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Benedict Cumberbatch apologize for comments he made during an interview in which he referred to black actors as colored. In fairness, the interview was with ‘Just Between You and Me’ magazine.

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: The Obama administration has released a new rating system to evaluate–

Male voice: Hey! Psst! Hey Che!

Michael Che: –to evaluate colleges that places them in one of three–

Male voice: Ayo! Che! Yo, you almost done, kid?

Michael Che: [looking around] Are you serious right now?

[Riblet slides in]

Riblet: Yo, what’s going on, man?

Michael Che: Yo!

Riblet: Come on, man! I’m double port! Let’s go!

Michael Che: Yo, what are you doing?

Riblet: Yo, are we live right now? Yo! Introduce me, kid!

Michael Che: I’m sorry, everyone. This is my friend from high school, Riblet.

Riblet: Yeah! It’s Riblet, baby. 2015!

Michael Che: No, Riblet. What are you dong here, man? I’m kind of busy.

Riblet: Oh. So, what? So, you busy now? So what? You a Hollywood now, Che? What’s going on man?

Michael Che: I’m not Hollywood. I’m just trying to work hard.

Riblet: Oh, what? Oh, because I work at Friendly’s that means I don’t work hord?

Michael Che: Yes, because you work at Friendly’s, you don’t word hord!

Riblet: Come on, man! This job ain’t that hord! Come on, man! You got it all written down on big old pieces of papers. Your job is reading, man! I’ve been doing that since I was 15. Man, this mess is easy. Yo, check it.

[Cut to Riblet replacing Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map at right top corner.]

Um, new report lists the unhealthiest state in the country as Mississippi. But only because Arkansas died of a heart-attack.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Ooh-ooh! Whee! Now make me a fribble. Oh, what’s that? Oh, you don’t know how to make a Friendly’s fribble? Oh, that’s weird because Riblet could do both jorbs!

Michael Che: Alright, Riblet. That was pretty good. I’ll admit. But, there’s a lot more to this job, man! Just go wait in the car, dude!

Riblet: Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, so now you scared that if Riblet stick around, Riblet might take your jorb?

Michael Che: Riblet, you cannot take my jorb.

Riblet: Oh, yeah? Well, this just in fools.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of a city and Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Amazon has launched a one hour delivery service in New York city. “Faster!” said people who ordered toilet papers.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Prrrrt! Stick up! Prrrt! Prrrt! Stick up. Pow-pow-pow-pow! Now make me a Friendly Frank. Oh, what’s that? You did not know that a Friendly Frank is just a hotdog with butter on it? Oh, I guess you don’t work as hord!

Michael Che: I’m just saying there’s other things to consider if you wanna do this job, okay? There’s other things that we got to think about.

Riblet: Prfft! I thought of all of it. Yo, Dan, roll that clip homey!

[Cut to Weekend Update intro that features Colin Jost and Riblet.]

[Cut to Riblet.]

Wad up? I’m Riblet. And here are tonight’s tippy-top stories.

[There is a picture of Department of Labor logo at right top corner.]

The labor department announced that last month employers added more than 250,000 jobs. But it looks like [Picture changes to Michael Che] this fool just lost his.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

[Riblet stands up, grabs the mic and then drops the mic on the table.]

[cheers and applause]

You changed, B!

Michael Che: My friend from high schook, Riblet, everybody!

Riblet: Riblet for the President. Woo-hoo!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Cyber Security and Gay Porn

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that he most commonly used passwords last year were ‘123456’ and ‘password’. Here to teach us all about the importance of strong cyber security is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up? How are you?

Pete Davidson: The importance of strong cyber security, it can’t be overstated. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean it can prevent a lot of common problems like identity theft, or your girlfriend logging into your computer and finding a bunch of gay porn.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, is that a common problem?

Pete Davidson: Alright, let me explain. [Cut to Pete Davidson] One night, I was really high… like most nights. And I was watching ‘The Wolf Of Wall Street’. And I just couldn’t stop looking at how attractive and beautiful Leonardo DeCaprio was. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I mean like, he was always hot but now he’s like a golden statue version of Leonardo DeCaprio. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And I don’t think I would do it. But like, if he asks me, I might. Like, out of respect. So, you know, he’s the man. It’s Leo.

So, this made me think that I might be gay. So, this set off my anxiety and because if I turned out to be gay, I’d be really bad at it. You know, I mean look at me. I’m like the complete opposite of gay. I don’t mean straight. I mean gross! You’ve seen gay people, they’re beautiful. I might be like a straight 5 but I’m a gay 1.

[Cut to Pete Davidson to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, man! I don’t think it’d be that bad for you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s easy for you to say. You’re like a straight 8 and a gay 10.

[audience cheering]

Colin Jost: No, no.

Pete Davidson: He’s a gay 10. You’re beautiful.

Colin Jost: Don’t!

Pete Davidson: So, I needed to find out if I was gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So, my best thinking told me, why don’t I just watch a bunch of gay porn and see if I like it.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was your best thinking?

Pete Davidson: It was really good weed. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So first, I watched a little film called ‘Stud Horse 4’, and I didn’t like it… until I started to think maybe I didn’t like it because I haven’t watched Stud Horses 1, 2, 3. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] So, I watched the whole series and didn’t like it either. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And then I thought maybe this is just the wrong franchise for me. So, I watched all the big gay porn franchises like Jack Hammer Jose, Frat Boy Orgy, The Expendables. But I didn’t like any of them. So, I settled to question that I’m not gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And everything was fine until a few days later my girlfriend decided to use my computer and look up Gmail, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] which starts with a ‘G’ and then a bunch of gay porn popped up. And then, my defense was, “Oh no! I’m just watching to make sure I’m not gay.” And she was like, “What?” And I was like, “No, I think you heard me wrong. I’m saying I was having doubts about my sexuality so I watched a bunch of gay porn for you.” And now I’m here.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Did you just write this Update so your girlfriend wouldn’t think you were gay?

Pete Davidson: [smiling] Pete Davidson, everybody!

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody!

[cheers and applause]