Debra… Sandra Oh
Conchoclin… Aidy Bryant
Carl… Chris Redd
Cecily Strong
Heidi Gardner
Kenan Thompson
[Starts with video clip of a College]Cecily Strong: All right guys. As you know, we’re down to the wire. We’ve got to make final decisions [Cut to college admissions meeting] about who gets off the weight list to join the class of 2023.
Carl: Man, [Cut to Carl and Heidi] there are so many qualified candidates but only so few spots.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: I know, it’s like my bumble account. Ha-ha-ha.
Kenan Thompson: What?
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: We’re looking to admit about five more students and in some of the embarrassing news stories out there, let’s be extra careful with our choices.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Heidi Gardner: We have to make sure it’s all about merit.
Carl: I agree.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Okay, so out first applicant on wait-list is Luisa Rodriguez. [The screen behind Cecily shows Luisa’s picture] Now her test scores are slightly lower than we like, but her essay are grades are outstanding.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Kenan Thompson: Well, then I like Luisa a lot.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Heidi Gardner: Yes, me too.
Cecily Strong: Okay, we also have [Cut to Cecily Strong] Johnny Ferrigno. [The screen behind Cecily shows Johnny’s picture] He is Lou Ferrigno’s grandson.
[Cut to everybody]Kenan Thompson: Oh, let’s do that.
Heidi Gardner: I agree. He Hollywood. He fun.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: And I love the idea that Lou Ferrigno might just like, show up on campus one day. So cool.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Now, his grades were a little low.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: Yeah, but when you’re famous like Johnny Ferrigno, people come up to you during test and ask for autographs and selfies. It’s very distracting.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Great. Okay! one down, four to go. Next step is [The screen behind Cecily shows Jackie’s picture] Jackie Keebler, heir to the Keebler Elf’f fortune.
[Cut to everybody]Carl: She looks qualified to me.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: I agree. Very studious and studi-anxious.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Heidi Gardner: And I could see her dating Jerry Ferrigno.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: Oh, that would be amazing. The could have their wedding here.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Okay, now, Jackie did have a 2.5 GPA and her only extra curricular was snails.
[Cut to everybody]Kenan Thompson: Yeah, but I can tell from the hand holding money that she has a solid business acumen. [Cut to Debra and Kenan] And no one else in the incoming class is focused on snails.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Carl: Very true. Snails are weak spot for us.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Okay, great! Two spots filled.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Kenan Thompson: I do still love Luisa though.
Debra: Luisa is amazing.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Should we keep her in the mix?
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: No.
Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong] So, next step, we have Luke Geofferys whose math SAT score was very low, but then he submitted [The screen behind Cecily shows Luke’s face photoshopped in Stephin Hawkin’s picture] this photo of himself solving a high level physics equation.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Heidi Gardner: And are we sure that’s really him?
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Well, unfortunately we have no way of determining whether it’s really him or not.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: And his last name is Geofferys? Any relation to the Giraffe?
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: The fictional giraffe from Toys R Us?
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Carl: Oh, that could be a big donation.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Well, Toys R Us is currently bankrupt, so I would say a donation from their cartoon giraffe is highly unlikely.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Kenan Thompson: Well you could also replace our current mascot, the gay redskin.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Heidi Gardner: Oh, it’s gonna be so sad to lose Chief. Oh no, he didn’t.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Well, sounds like Luke is a yes.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Carl: Big time! Big time.
Heidi Gardner: Okay, and I know I’m not supposed to say this about the applicants, but would bang.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Okay. And next step is Kevin Willet.
[Cut to everybody]Debra: Huh? That appears to be a mug shot.
Cecily Strong: Yes, it is. [Cut to Cecily Strong] Kevin is currently in juvenile detention for stabbing two of his friends. But he is the fourth generation legacy.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Kenan Thompson: Oh, I like that.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Heidi Gardner: Yeah, and he’s probably got all the stabbing out of his system.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: Well, he sounds like a more exciting version of Luisa.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Carl: Yeah, yeah. Luisa hasn’t stabbed anyone yet and I’m starting to that about her.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Kenan Thompson: And listen to her essay. “I would be the first person in my family to go to college.” It’s not a race!
Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong] It sounds like we’re admitting Kevin. So, we’re down two spots.
[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin walks in.]Conchoclin: Well, I got them for you.
Cecily Strong: Excuse me?
[Cut to Conchoclin, walks to the screen.]Conchoclin: Yeah. I am coach Conchochlin. I run the women’s crew team. [Cut to everybody] And I have got a couple of primal recruits that you would want to admit asap.
Cecily Strong: Uh-huh. And do we have their applications?
Conchoclin: Oh, you sure do. Throw Madisson Wigles Worth on there.
[Cut to Cecily and Conchoclin. Screen behind them shows Madisson’s picture.]Cecily Strong: This is our rower?
Conchoclin: Oh, yeah. She’s got a perfect built. 5’1″, 98 pounds, tiny hollow bird bones. I mean she’s liable to rip in or lock.
Cecily Strong: Now, looks like she’s riding a horse.
Conchoclin: Yeah, exactly. So that’s a land boat, is what we call that. And you know, I’ve also been scouting another top-notch gal lady bird Dwayne Reed. [Screen behind them shows Dwame’s picture] Now she’s been rowing up and down the rivers of Beverly Hills.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Kenan Thompson: And are we confident that’s not a boy in a wig?
[Cut to Cecily and conchoclin]Conchoclin: Well, I’ve never seen a boy in a wig look that hot.
Cecily Strong: Okay, coach Conchoclin, is it?
[Cut to Conchoclin]Conchoclin: Conchoclin, yes. My mother is German and my dad is Count Chocula.
[Cut to Cecily Strong]Cecily Strong: Wonderful. Okay, I’m sorry but I have to ask, were you in anyway paid by these girls’ families to lie about them to be elite athletes?
[Cut to Conchoclin]Conchoclin: Oh, absolutely not. And I resent that accusation. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive home in the actual bat-mobile which I purchased on a normal female crew coach salary, Conchoclin out!
[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin leaves the room.]Cecily Strong: Okay, and our last applicant, Alice Fong.
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: Okay, guys, can I just as something? I’m sure Alice is great! But do you ever feel like we’re admitting too many Asian students? [Kenan tries to ignore the question] [Cut to Carl and Heidi. They are also trying to ignore the question] [Cut to Debra and Kenan]
Kenan Thompson: Is this a trap? Is this a trap?
Debra: No, no, no! I’m serious. Alice has great grades and all, but do you guys think her personality is interesting enough?
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Heidi Gardner: Why are you doing this to us Debra?
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: And what’s with her face? Right? You can’t tell what she’s thinking. It’s like all these Asians are, um, what’s the word?
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Carl: Sneaky?
Debra: Ah-hah! [Cut to Debra and Kenan. Debra stands and shows her police badge.] Admissions police. You’re all under arrest.
Kenan Thompson: Damn it! Damn it, Carl. She was undercover.
[Cut to Carl and Heidi]Carl: Wow, you mean this whole time she wasn’t Asian?
[Cut to Debra and Kenan]Debra: Wait! What?