Cut for Time: College Admissions | Season 44 Episode 16

Debra… Sandra Oh

Conchoclin… Aidy Bryant

Carl… Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clip of a College]

Cecily Strong: All right guys. As you know, we’re down to the wire. We’ve got to make final decisions [Cut to college admissions meeting] about who gets off the weight list to join the class of 2023.

Carl: Man, [Cut to Carl and Heidi] there are so many qualified candidates but only so few spots.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I know, it’s like my bumble account. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan Thompson: What?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: We’re looking to admit about five more students and in some of the embarrassing news stories out there, let’s be extra careful with our choices.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: We have to make sure it’s all about merit.

Carl: I agree.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, so out first applicant on wait-list is Luisa Rodriguez. [The screen behind Cecily shows Luisa’s picture]  Now her test scores are slightly lower than we like, but her essay are grades are outstanding.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, then I like Luisa a lot.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, me too.

Cecily Strong: Okay, we also have [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Johnny Ferrigno. [The screen behind Cecily shows Johnny’s picture] He is Lou Ferrigno’s grandson.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, let’s do that.

Heidi Gardner: I agree. He Hollywood. He fun.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And I love the idea that Lou Ferrigno might just like, show up on campus one day.  So cool.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Now, his grades were a little low.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Yeah, but when you’re famous like Johnny Ferrigno, people come up to you during test and ask for autographs and selfies. It’s very distracting.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Great. Okay! one down, four to go. Next step is [The screen behind Cecily shows Jackie’s picture] Jackie Keebler, heir to the Keebler Elf’f fortune.

[Cut to everybody]

Carl: She looks qualified to me.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I agree. Very studious and studi-anxious.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And I could see her dating Jerry Ferrigno.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Oh, that would be amazing. The could have their wedding here.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, now, Jackie did have a 2.5 GPA and her only extra curricular was snails.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, but I can tell from the hand holding money that she has a solid business acumen. [Cut to Debra and Kenan] And no one else in the incoming class is focused on snails.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Very true. Snails are weak spot for us.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, great! Two spots filled.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: I do still love Luisa though.

Debra: Luisa is amazing.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Should we keep her in the mix?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: No.

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  So, next step, we have Luke Geofferys whose math SAT score was very low, but then he submitted [The screen behind Cecily shows Luke’s face photoshopped in Stephin Hawkin’s picture] this photo of himself solving a high level physics equation.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And are we sure that’s really him?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, unfortunately we have no way of determining whether it’s really him or not.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And his last name is Geofferys? Any relation to the Giraffe?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: The fictional giraffe from Toys R Us?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Oh, that could be a big donation.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Toys R Us is currently bankrupt, so I would say a donation from their cartoon giraffe is highly unlikely.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well you could also replace our current mascot, the gay redskin.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, it’s gonna be so sad to lose Chief. Oh no, he didn’t.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, sounds like Luke is a yes.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Big time! Big time.

Heidi Gardner: Okay, and I know I’m not supposed to say this about the applicants, but would bang.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay. And next step is Kevin Willet.

[Cut to everybody]

Debra: Huh? That appears to be a mug shot.

Cecily Strong: Yes, it is. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Kevin is currently in juvenile detention for stabbing two of his friends. But he is the fourth generation legacy.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I like that.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, and he’s probably got all the stabbing out of his system.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Well, he sounds like a more exciting version of Luisa.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Yeah, yeah. Luisa hasn’t stabbed anyone yet and I’m starting to that about her.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And listen to her essay. “I would be the first person in my family to go to college.” It’s not a race!

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  It sounds like we’re admitting Kevin. So, we’re down two spots.

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin walks in.]

Conchoclin: Well, I got them for you.

Cecily Strong: Excuse me?

[Cut to Conchoclin, walks to the screen.]

Conchoclin: Yeah. I am coach Conchochlin. I run the women’s crew team. [Cut to everybody] And I have got a couple of primal recruits that you would want to admit asap.

Cecily Strong: Uh-huh. And do we have their applications?

Conchoclin: Oh, you sure do. Throw Madisson Wigles Worth on there.

[Cut to Cecily and Conchoclin. Screen behind them shows Madisson’s picture.]

Cecily Strong: This is our rower?

Conchoclin: Oh, yeah. She’s got a perfect built. 5’1″, 98 pounds, tiny hollow bird bones. I mean she’s liable to rip in or lock.

Cecily Strong: Now, looks like she’s riding a horse.

Conchoclin: Yeah, exactly. So that’s a land boat, is what we call that. And you know, I’ve also been scouting another top-notch gal lady bird Dwayne Reed. [Screen behind them shows Dwame’s picture] Now she’s been rowing up and down the rivers of Beverly Hills.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And are we confident that’s not a boy in a wig?

[Cut to Cecily and conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Well, I’ve never seen a boy in a wig look that hot.

Cecily Strong: Okay, coach Conchoclin, is it?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Conchoclin, yes. My mother is German and my dad is Count Chocula.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Wonderful. Okay, I’m sorry but I have to ask, were you in anyway paid by these girls’ families to lie about them to be elite athletes?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Oh, absolutely not. And I resent that accusation. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive home in the actual bat-mobile which I purchased on a normal female crew coach salary, Conchoclin out!

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin leaves the room.]

Cecily Strong: Okay, and our last applicant, Alice Fong.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Okay, guys, can I just as something? I’m sure Alice is great! But do you ever feel like we’re admitting too many Asian students? [Kenan tries to ignore the question] [Cut to Carl and Heidi. They are also trying to ignore the question] [Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Is this a trap? Is this a trap?

Debra: No, no, no! I’m serious. Alice has great grades and all, but do you guys think her personality is interesting enough?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Why are you doing this to us Debra?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And what’s with her face? Right? You can’t tell what she’s thinking. It’s like all these Asians are, um, what’s the word?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Sneaky?

Debra: Ah-hah! [Cut to Debra and Kenan. Debra stands and shows her police badge.] Admissions police. You’re all under arrest.

Kenan Thompson: Damn it! Damn it, Carl. She was undercover.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Wow, you mean this whole time she wasn’t Asian?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Wait! What?

Cut for Time: Dianne Feinstein Message | Season 44 Episode 14

Senator Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Senator Dianne Feinstein sitting between kids in a classroom]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh-oh. A California Senator Dianne Feinstein. Now, recently, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein walking to the hallway] some of you may have seen a disastrous video of me lecturing school children about the green new deal. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein  with kids in art class] But I want to make things right because I believe children should be heard.

[Cut to the kids]

Kid 1: Senator Feinstein, we want you to support the green new deal.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Okay, and I appreciate that honey. Now, unfortunately, that deal is not very realistic.—

[Cut to Kid 1]

Kid 1: So we’re just going to do noghing?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: No, no. So I have a–

[Cut to Kid 1]

Kid 1: Our planet is dying.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, I see what’s happening. Okay. You’re going to tell me how to do my job. Okay, well, [Cut to Kid 1] I don’t come into your first grade classroom and [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] knock the glue out of your mouth, do I? [Cut to Kid 1 is very sad] So why don’t you stay in your lane [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] and step the fuck off. Okay, I need to do it over. I need to do that off DO. [Retake] You kids like games?

Kids: Yes!

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Yes. Okay, this one is called green new deal. Okay? I’m going to close my eyes, I’m going to hold out my hand, then you kids are going to give me $93 trillion.

[Cut to the kids, silent]

Kid 2: We don’t have any money.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh, you don’t? Oh, then we all lose. Ha-ha. Do-over. DO. I need a DO.

[Retake] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You need to take action. [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] Climate change is going to severely affect [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] my generation.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, if you’re so concerned, maybe you should run for office.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Fine. I will.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: You know what? Let me be the first to donate to your campaign. [Senator Dianne Feinstein puts her hand in her pocket and acts as if she’s taking some money out, and then shows her middle finger] DO!

[Cut to Kid 3]

Kid 3: Senator. I made you this.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Oh my goodness. Is that a poster? Well I’m convinced.

[Cut to Kid 3]

Kid 3: Really?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: No.

[Cut to Kid 4]

Kid 4: You’re mean.

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] your dad wishes you were bullied more. Tell him that you piece of [Bleep]. DO. No, don’t do that one.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein facing kids and the teachers]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: You’re the one who puts words on these [Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein] kid’s mouths, huh?

Heidi Gardner: You mean teaching them?

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein]

Senator Dianne Feinstein: How about this? You be the senator, okay? [Senator Dianne Feinstein starts opening her jacket to give it to Heidi] I’ll give you my stupid little senator jacket. Here you go. And I’ll see you [Bleep][Bleep] You should be the senator, bitch. Sorry, DO.

[Cut to Senator Dianne Feinstein standing in front of the kids]

I am Dianne Feinstein.

Kids: And we approve this message.

Kid 3: I don’t.

Senator Dianne Feinstein: Well, why don’t you take your ass home? Oh, no. DO. Try whole thing. [Bleep]