Gene… Kenan Thompson
Gemma… Cecily Strong
Mikey Day[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]
Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.
Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?
Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.[Vanessa and Gene hug] [Dwayne and Gemma walk in]
Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.
Gemma: Coming by.
Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.
Gemma: Grab my hand?
Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.
Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.
Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.
Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?
Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.
Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?
Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?
Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?
Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.[Mikey comes in]
Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?
Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?
Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.
Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?
Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?
Gene: I hope not.
Vanessa: Just don’t!
Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.
Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]
Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?
Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”
Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?
Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.
Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.[ride starts]
Dwayne: Ay! Ay!
Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.
Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.
Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”
Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’
Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?
Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.
Dwayne: Gene, Duck![Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]
Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?
Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.
Vanessa: Well, may name–
Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck![Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]
Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.
Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.
Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.
Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!
Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?
Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.
Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck![A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]
Vanessa: Oh, my god![The ride is over.]
Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.
Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.
Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.
Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude![Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]
Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.
Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.
Vanessa: But I don’t want to.
Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?[Water splashes on Vanessa again]
Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.[The ride starts again]