KCR News | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Tina Shepard…..Leslie Jones

Blake Boyhair…..Kenan Thompson

Drew Mellencamp…..Cecily Strong

Matt…..Jonah Hill

Terry…..Aidy Bryant

[ KCR News intro. ]

Announcer: You’re watching KCR News on KCR 1. And now, back to Albany’s favorite news team. Tina Shepard and Blake Boyhair.

[ Cut to KCR news desk where Tina and Blake are sitting and chuckling. ]

Blake: Oh, welcome back, folks. Tina and I are laughing because she drew a very realistic penis right on the desk.

Tina: He dared me. He dared me.

Blake: Actually, I asked you not to do it. [ Tina is laughing hysterically. ] Anyway, let’s go to Drew Mellencamp with the weather. Drew, what’s up?

[ Cut to Drew. ]

Drew: Hey guys. Get this. So, I was running late as usual. I was driving here, and out of nowhere, I hit somebody.

Tina: What?!

Blake: Are they okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s fine. The car’s a Volvo. The thing’s a freakin’ tank. Yeah, yeah, it’s all good. But unfortunately, I do have some bad news. It looks like that cold front is heading our way.

Tina & Blake: Drew!

Tina: How could you?

Blake: Don’t do that to us!

Drew: Sorry guys. It’s not getting any warmer anytime soon.

[ Matt walks onto the stage next to Drew holding a bouquet. ]

Matt: I think, I have just the thing to warm things up.

Drew: What? Matt, why are you at my work?

Tina: [ She looks shocked. ] Is this…?

Blake: I think it is. [ He looks excited. ] I hope I don’t cry.

Tina: I hope you don’t either.

Matt: Baby, I know I’m not the smartest guy on Earth. I know I don’t have a job at the moment, or for the past two years. But none of this matters, because being with you the past six months.

Drew: Three months.

Matt: It’s six, baby.

Drew: No, it’s three. Because we were not exclusive the first three.

Matt: You were not, I was. The point is, you’re the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. So, I have one thing to ask you…

Drew: My answer is no.

Matt: You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.

Drew: No, I do. And you promised you wouldn’t, so don’t…

Matt: Here we go, I know you’re scared.

Drew: Stop.

Matt: So that’s why [ He gets down on one knee and presents her with the bouquet. ]

Stop.

Matt: I had to spring it

Drew: Stand up.

Matt: on you baby.

Drew: No-oh. I’m gonna do the weather now. [ She walks away from Matt who is kneeled before her. She walks away and in front of a green screen which is displaying the 5-Day Forecast. ] So. Weather. That cold front from Canada hits us on.. [ Hip-hop music begins to play. ] What is this music? This better not be music for a rap.

[ Matt walks up to Drew, and since he is wearing a green shirt his body disappears in front of the green screen. He is only a head and a hand holding the bouquet. ]

Matt: [ He begins to rap. ] I have a forecast for the rest of my life. Partly happy, with a chance of man and wife.

Blake: Oh no, he chose to wear green.

Tina: And he’s in front of the green screen. He just looks like a floating head.

Matt: So Drew, what you gonna do? Say yes. What you gonna do?

Drew: Oh, Matt. [ She does not look pleased. ]

Matt: Baby, look at the screen. Look what it says. [ The words ‘MARY ME’ appear on the screen below Drew and Matt. ]

Drew: Matt, you spelled marry wrong.

Matt: What do you mean?

Drew: You spelled it like the name.

Matt: I was in a rush. I was excited.

Drew: Matt, you promised not to do this. Especially on TV, at my job.

Matt: I know, but it’s called crossing your fingers, dummy. And I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a great idea. Your mom, Terry, is totally on board.

Drew: Terry? Are you talking about my birth mother who’s in jail?

Matt: Not since Friday!

[ Terry walks onto the stage between Drew and Matt. She is wearing a dirty sweatshirt. ]

Terry: Hey sweetie. How’s it going?

Drew: You’re not allowed to have…

Terry: Nah, let me have a hug.

Drew: No, you can’t have any contact.

Terry: Come on. Could I have four hundred bux?

Drew: No!

Terry: Alright, well then good luck being married to this bitch. [ Terry walks off the stage. ]

Matt: I can’t wait. Come on, baby. I’m just a guy, standing here on Wednesday, asking my favorite weather gal to marry him. So what do you say?

Drew: No, Matt. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna push through with the weather. So, I’m sorry. I’m’… So, as you can see it’s mostly cloudy and cool at the beginning of the week. Damn it, Matt. Matt, wait!

[ Drew runs away from the green screen to the front of the news desk, where Tina and Blake are sitting, greeting Matt. ]

Drew: Yes! Yes, you big dummy. Of course, I’ll marry you. The reason I didn’t want you to ask me on air, was because I wanted to ask you on air.

Matt: Are you serious?

Drew: Umm, does this look serious? Guys, come out. [ Tina and Blake stand up. They are wearing shirts that read, ‘He Said YES.’ Dancers waltz out behind the newscasters. ]

Matt: Oh my God. Are they about to sing? [ Music is playing, ‘Colors of the Wind.’ ]

Drew: You’re favorite song, ‘Colors of the Wind,’ from Pocahontas. Yes.

Blake: [ He begins to sing and red balloons fall from the ceiling. ] Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

Matt: You did all this for me?

Blake: Or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?

Drew: Of course, why else wouldn’t I just say yes immediately?

Blake: Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?

Tina: Up next, police searching for a female driver of a Volvo suspected in a hit-and-run. But isn’t this beautiful?

Blake: Can you paint with all the colors…

[ Cut to KCR News Albany outro. ]

America’s Got Talent: Wait, They’re Good? | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Howie Mandel…..Kyle Mooney

Mel B…..Ego Nwodim

Heidi Klum…..Kate McKinnon

Simon Cowell…..Beck Bennett

Stacy…..Melissa Villaseñor

Debra…..Jonah Hill

Wilderness Contestant…..Cecily Strong

Sheila…..Leslie Jones

Levander…..Kenan Thompson

[ America’s Got Talent title. ]

Announcer: America’s Got Talent!

[ Cut to AGT Judges at their desk with the AGT audience clapping behind them. ]

Mel B: Hello, my love. What’s your name, dear?

[ Cut to the AGT stage where Stacy is waiting nervously for her chance to audition. ]

Stacy: Um, Stacy. [ Nervous giggle. ] I’m so nervous. I’ve never sang in front of people, ever.

Mel B: Well, this feels like a complete waste of time. But, alright, go ahead, dear.

Stacy: [She starts singing Lady Marmalade. ] More, more, mooooorrrrrrre.

[ Cut to the judges looking surprised and entertained. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ] [ Cut to the AGT audience all beginning to stand up and give a roaring standing ovation. ]

Announcer: Wasn’t that cool? You never thought it would work out, but then suddenly, it did. [ Cut to AGT logo. ] Over the years, America’s Got Talent, has had so many of these moments. [ Several surprising moments from AGT are shown as clips as the announcer speaks. ] And now, we put them into one special. ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ See the performances begin like one thing [ An elderly couple is holding hands on the audition stage. ] Then woah-oh, there’s something else. [ Cut to the elderly couple now freak dancing on the stage. ] [ Cut to Heidi Klum at the judge’s table. ]

Heidi: Hello, tell us your name.

[ Cut to Debra on the audition stage. He is dressed like a cowboy. ]

Debra: My name’s Debra, ma’am.

Heidi: Welcome, Debra. I hear you have some music for us.

Debra: Music, ma’am?

Heidi: Music. You’ve never heard the music?

Debra: I can’t say I have.

Heidi: Wow. Well, go ahead. Give it a shot.

Debra: Thank you, ma’am. [ The music starts and Debra starts to perform, Go Go Go Joseph. ] Go, go, go Joseph. You know what they say. Hey now Joseph, you’ll make it someday. Sha la la Joseph, you’re doing just fine. You and your dreams are ahead of your time. Go, go, go.

[ Cut to the AGT audience cheering wildly and giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: You didn’t think he could sing, did you? You monster! And look at Howie Mandel. [ Cut to Howie looking overly surprised and joyous. ] It’s like he’s never seen this before. But he actually has, a lot. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’special has every moment.

[ Cut to Howie at the judges’ table. ]

Howie: So it says here that you were raised alone deep in the wilderness, like Jodie Foster’s character in that movie, “Nell”?

[ Cut to the contestant on stage in a nightgown. She is hunched over and waving her arms. ]

Wilderness Contestant: [ She speaks in a caveman like gibberish. ]

Howie: Great. We are you friends. Please. Make. Perform.

Wilderness Contestant: [ She sits on a stool and begins to sing, ‘Send in the Clowns’. ] Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? [ Cut to Heidi looking bewildered then back to the wilderness contestant. ] Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air. [ Cut to the judges looking surprised and pleased. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

Howie: What!!! This is crazy!!!

[ Cut back to the wilderness contestant. ]

Wilderness Contestant: Send in the clowns.

[ Cut to the AGT audience giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: And there goes the audience again. They genuinely didn’t see it coming. Even though they seen this guy, [ Cut to a man on stage. ] and this girl, [ Cut to a woman on stage. ] and even this. [ Cut to a dog on stage. ] And the moments just get more special. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] [ Cut to Simon at the judge’s table. ]

Simon: Oh dear, who are you?

[ Cut to Sheila on stage. She is standing next to her husband Levander who appears to be in a coma. ]

Sheila: My name is Sheila Block and this is my husband, Levander. He always wanted to audition, but he’s in a coma.

Simon: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. May I ask why did you bring him on stage?

Sheila: Well sir, I was hoping I could sing his song for him. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Simon: Certainly. It seems like something every normal person would do. Off you go.

[ The music starts for ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’. Sheila is dancing in place waiting for the cue, but instead Levander comes to life and begins to sing.]

Levander: Ain’t no mountain high. Ain’t no valley low. [ He takes off his hospital gown to reveal a sparkly outfit; Sheila also removes her dress to reveal a matching sparkly outfit. ] Ain’t no river wide enough baby. [ Cut to Howie screaming, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ then back to the couple singing on stage. ]

Sheila: If you need me call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far.

Sheila & Levander: Don’t worry baby.

Sheila: Just call my name. I’ll be there in a hurry. You don’t have to worry. [ Two dancers start dancing behind the singing couple. ]

Sheila & Levander: ‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, babe.

[ Cut to the judges looking shocked and happy. Heidi is raising her hand. ] [ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

Announcer: The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ Special. This Sunday at nine.

Benihana | Season 44 Episode 4

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill

Miss Lilly…..Leslie Jones

Tony…..Kenan Thompson

Jake…..Mikey Day

Waitress…..Kate McKinnon

Chef Gayle…..Heidi Gardner

[ Outside of a Benihana restaurant. ] [ Cut to inside the Benihana Restaurant. Adam and Miss Lilly are seated at a teppan table with two other gentlemen, Jake and Tony. ]

Adam: Good evening fellas. Is this seat taken?

Tony: Um, no.

Adam: It’s a pleasure to join you both. My name is Adam Grossman, and I’m six years young. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] And this is my very lovely and very single nanny, Miss Lilly. And she must be from Jamaica because she’s makin’ me go to bed at eight tonight! But I understand the decision; I’m six! [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Hi. And I’m not from Jamaica.

Jake: Well, it’s very nice to meet you. Hello, my name is Jake, and this is Tony.

Adam: Well, well, well. There’s two of them Lil. I like your chances tonight. As for me, it looks like I’ll be spending another evening with my right hand and a sock. What, I’m making a sock pocket! I’m six years old. [ He holds up 6 fingers again. ]

Miss Lilly: Let’s just calm down, Adam.

Adam: I’m only joking. Sheesh. Talk about a wet blankie; I love you to death. But sometimes you’re about as fun as apple slices for dessert. I’m kidding. She’s good people. We spend a lot of time together since my parents ivorced-day.

Tony: Oh, I’m sorry.

Adam: No! Don’t feel bad for me. I’m getting every kid’s dream. Two Chanukahs!

Waitress: Can I get you folks something to drink?

Adam: A cup of joe for me, sweetheart, please. And I like my coffee like I like my nannies, black and bitter. I’m kidding. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I’ll take my fruit punch, neat. Always get your drink neat here, they try to load you up on the ice so they can bone you on the punch. It’s a racket.

Miss Lilly: I’ll have a glass of wine, please.

Waitress: You bet.

Adam: Okay, so I guess I’m driving home. I’m joking. Everything’s irie mon, drink all the red stripe you want.

Miss Lilly: I am not from Jamaica.

Adam: [ He starts to sing. ] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the dep. You’re giving me nothing here. It feels like pulling teeth without a string. How about some Chef tricks? That’ll lighten the mood. Where’s Sooshin?

[ Chef Gayle walks over to the teppan table which is covered with shrimps. She has two spatulas in her hands. ]

Chef Gayle: Hey, I’m sorry little guy. Sooshin’s not working tonight. Dude got fired for stealing beef. [ She knocks a shrimp on the ground. ] But, Gayle has got you covered. [ She tosses a shrimp at Jake with her spatula, he tries to catch it with his mouth, but it flies straight over his head. ] [ Jake and Tony lightly clap, Miss Lilly joins in. ]

Adam: Woof. No offense, Gayle. But I haven’t been this disappointed since I found out that there is a Santa Claus and he wants nothing to do with me. I guess we’ll have to settle for small talk, so you two fellas celebrating something?

Tony: Well, actually, yes.

Jake: We both just got engaged.

Adam: Oh, mazel! Here’s some marriage advice for ya. Don’t do it!!! I’m kidding; I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] So what do I know? You’re both obviously a lot older than me. What are you, 11, 12?

Tony: I’m 37.

Adam: Wow, so I guess my next question is, what was Moses really like? I’m teasing! Hey, at least you’re not as old as Lilly here. You know her social security number is two!

Miss Lilly: Lord, help me. Help me.

Adam: No, really. Lilly is so old that in history class she just wrote down what she was doing.

Miss Lilly: Okay, Adam. Let’s just let the nice men enjoy their dinner, okay?

Adam: [ He sings really loud. ] One Love!!!! I’m kidding. Anyway, mazel on your engagement. I’m sure you’ll both marry two very lovely women. L’chaim.

Tony: Well, actually, we’re getting married to each other.

Adam: Okay. Record scratch. You’re doing what now?

Miss Lilly: I’m sorry, he’s probably just a little confused.

Adam: Ah! More like my mind is completely frickin’ blown! Two buddies getting married to each other, that’s genius! Wait till Eli here’s about this. He’s my best friend. We’ve been playdatin’ for years. And I love him dearly. Look he’s 3’5”, he’s got four teeth, he’s got the stickiest hands I’ve ever seen. But what can I say, I like to fix people.

Jake: That’s so cute.

Adam: Now, I gotta ask..who proposed to who? Cause I’m a top and Eli’s a bottom.

Miss Lilly: Adam!

Adam: Woah! I meant bunk beds. I’m six. [ He holds up 6 fingers. ] I don’t even understand that double entendre.

Tony: Okay, maybe we should explain.

Adam: Hold that thought. I want to hear everything. But unfortunately right I have to make bumps. And Lilly, your ring’s off this time, unless you gotta fish one loose again. [ Lilly takes off her ring. ]

Miss Lilly: Would you believe that I have a four-year degree?

Adam: I have no idea what that means, but [ He begins to sing. ] Redemption song!