Ego Nwodim
Bowen Yang
Megan Thee Stallion
Keely… Heidi Gardner
Kelly K… Chloe Fineman
[Starts with Ego entering a gym. There are other people working out in there.]
Ego: Hey, excuse me. Is this Butt Day at Studio Thick Thighs and Nasty Romp?
Bowen: If it’s 9AM on a Thursday, then yeah.
Ego: Well, it’s 10 on Saturday.
Bowen: Oh. We know it’s asked and you’ll love the teacher. Everyone calls her Sargent Cake.
Ego: Oh, great. Because I’m getting married in a month and I’m trying to drag a wagon down the aisle.
Megan: Attention. For those of you who want to get that booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere, you came to the right place. We want to get those booties ready for Halloween. Whether you’re dressing up as a sexy witch with a fat ass or a first responder with a fat ass.. Or even Jeffrey Dahmer with a— You know what I’m about to say.
All: Fat ass.
Megan: Alright. Time to sweat. Now, let’s start off in a squat and pump and pump. Now remember, with big ass comes big responsibility. If you need a modified version, turn your eyes to Keely and Kelly K.
Keely: That’s right. Any of you looking to not get a butt today, look our way. I’m Keely and that’s Kelly K. And we don’t have butts.
Kelly K: That’s right. We go from back to leg.
Keely: Y’all ever drive from Kansas to Iowa? That’s our ass.
Ego: Oh my God. They literally have no buts.
Bowen: Yeah, it’s like actually spooky.
Megan: Hey, not everybody has been butt blessed. So if you wanna go over and see Keely and Kelly K, I won’t be offended.
Ego: No. I truly want my wedding dress seems to be splitting.
Megan: Okay, well, now I’m about to end this class before we go to bed and sit on your ass. Now drop low. Drop it low. Drop it low.
Keely: And once again for my flat butt army, drop it high. Drop it high. Drop it high.
Megan: Big booty hoes, wiggle with that, wiggle with that.
Kelly K: Tiny booty hoes, get little with it, get little with it. Little, little, little, little. Sag the ass, release the tension. Sag the ass, release the tension.
Sarah: Sag the ass? I’m paying $40 to sag the ass?
Bowen: What is that even accomplishing?
Megan: Alright. For you big bum bitches, it’s time to get those wastes out. And I don’t want to see you grabbing quarter pounders. I want to see you slanging 10 pounders.
Keely: Every pancake nation, grab your weights which are your own thumbs and drop it low, drop it low. Get sexy with it. Drop it low.
Megan: Alright, my apple bottoms, grab your knees and work it. Grab your knees and working.
Kelly K: And for my weak little girlies, grab your partner and punch them in the butt. She’s your best friend, so smash that ass down.
Ego: That can’t be a real exercise.
Bowen: Yeah, I’m really regretting purchasing this a year in advance.
Megan: Alright. It seems like some of y’all getting tempted to leave me for tortilla booty worldwide over there. I mean, look how cure those little panini girls are.
Kelly K: Attention. Ham slice legion, light it up.
Keely: Oh, oh, light it up. That’s right my baby bootays. If you feel our micro cheeks bump bump your back, you’re in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang. Cheek cheek, your in the gang.
Sarah: Stop. You guys are like, wiping your asses on us dead real.
Ego: Ah-ah-ah, don’t even think about it. I’ll sue your flat ass.
Megan: Come on, y’all. Be nice. Keely and Kelly K are my friends. They took my class for six years.
Ego: Then you should give them their money back.
Keely: Wow. And the body shaming continues. But you’re right. We have ugly flat butts. Sorry we’re not Kardas-skins (Kardashians).
Kelly K: Our backsides are basically paper plates. We weren’t gifted with the genetics of Iggy Amellia (Iggy Azelea).
Keely: Maybe we should just leave.
Megan: No. Your depleted whoopy cushions aren’t going anywhere. In fact, I’m going to let you lead the class and erase all these asses.
Keely and Kelly K: Thanks Sargent Cake.
Kelly K: Hit our music
Keely: And if you think this is a Pirates of the Caribbean music, you’re totally right. Now…