Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update Trump Calls for End to Mueller Probe | Season 44 Episode 8

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in the news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at the left top corner] Well, this week Robert Mueller released the teaser trailer for “Trump: End Game”[Picture changes to a picture of cover picture of a movie. It mimics “The Avengers End Game” movie] . Federal prosecutors said Friday that [Picture changes to Donald Trump on the left and Michael Cohen on the right] Michael Cohen committed two election-related crimes at the direction of a person identified as “Individual-1”. Now, we don’t know for sure who Individual-1 is. But let’s just say things are pretty tense right now over at Individual-1 tower.[Picture changes to a tower that says “Individual-1 Tower”, mimicking “Trump Tower”]

Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller Report [Picture changes to Trump’s tweet] “Collusion Illusion,” Which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted [Picture changes to another tweet by Trump] with no context or explanation—“Totally clears the President, Thank you.” Sounds like somebody has been reading “The Secret”. By the way I don’t blame Trump  for thinking that his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point if every single person you hire gets indicted, the odds are you have something to do with it. I mean [Picture changes to friends of Trump as elves] if all of Santa’s Elves and all of Santa’s Reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet [Picture changes to made up tweet by Santa] “Totally clear for Christmas, thank you”.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right tope corner] Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe which I got to admit, is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t want to go to jail and then find out you could have just called it off the whole time. The scariest thing about watching Trump be president is that he tries all the things that I would try. [The picture changes to a tweet by Donald Trump] President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major counter report to the Mueller report. Well you better hurry up, bud, because you only get one hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is out. It’s like watching “Cops” and as soon as they pull off the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, “Okay, first of all, she’s lying.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kelly on the left top corner] President Trump said that John Kelly, his Chief of Staff is leaving the position at the end of the year because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove [Picture changes to John Kelly with face palm] his palm to his face. [Picture changes to Trump at left and John Kelly at right] That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.

Trump also announced that he his Attorney General nominee will be [Picture of John Kelly changes to William Barr] William Barr who served as Attorney General from ’91 to ’93. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early ‘90s? What could go wrong! [Picture changes to Matthew Whitaker] Barr would replace Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as The Body Suit for Krang.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump] And memorial services for former president George H.W. Bush were held this week. Many observers said that president Trump looked bored. But I think he was just getting an idea. He  was thinking, “Wait, maybe before the whole Mueller report comes out, I should just fake my own death and escape to the last place anyone would ever look for me—[Picture changes to Donald Trump with Mexican hat and a mustache] Mexico.” And you know that Trump will be the first guy to ever fake his own death [Picture changes to made up tweet my Donald Trump that says “I’m dead. Sad!”] via tweet.

Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum | Season 44 Episode 8

Carrie Krum (Aidy Bryant)

[Starts with Michael in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s one of the busiest travel times of the year. So here with her holiday travel tips is seventh grade travel expert, Carrie Krum. [Carrie comes in] Hi, Carrie. So how are you liking your trip to New York?

Carrie Krum: Oh, I love it. Yeah, I mean I went to Time Square and I saw Spider Man and he gave me the finger.

Michael Che: Cool. So Carrie, what kind of destinations can you recommend for vacationers?

Carrie Krum: Oh, well, [Cut to Carrie] one of the absolute best global destinations has got to be Columbus, Ohio. Oh, yeah, you got cousins, you got aunts. And did you know that uncles can have ponytails too? But the best thing about Columbus is– [Cut to Michael and Carrie. Carrie is acting shy] Michael, Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: My cousin’s neighbors are boys.

Michael Che: Alright, Carrie, that sounds pretty specific to your family trips. Where can other people travel?

Carrie Krum: Um, try the Twin freaking Cities! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, where you’ll go to a farm and see a really big pig and your brother will tell you that’s where Ham comes from. And then you’ll sob because you love to eat ham.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Again, that feels like what you did in the Twin Cities. But what can everybody do?

Carrie Krum: Okay, well might I [Cut to Carrie] recommend staying at my aunt Nancy’s house? Because Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: Yes?

Carrie Krum: She’s bra-less on the couch! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, overall pretty great trip. Except I will say for when I got spanked.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Oh, I’m sorry.

Carrie Krum: Oh, don’t be, Michael. I mean that’s what traveling is all about, you know, testing boundaries. [Cut to Carrie] Like in Dubuque, Iowa, where my parents were drinking daiquiris and they were laughing and I didn’t get it but when adults are laughing, I’m laughing right along with them.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Now that sounds like a very fun vacation.

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, Dubuque is a can’t miss. When I was there, [Cut to Carrie] my cousin Mitchell forgot his bathing suit, so he got to wear his underwear in the hot tub. And Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: You can kind of see his butt.

Michael Che: All right, well, have you ever been anywhere exotic?

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Carrie] Oh, duh, okay, once on a connecting flight from Phoenix to Denver, I got to go to the Atlanta airport. Okay, you want to talk exotic, I saw two indoor pigeons work together to carry a Bagel. That’s a Bonjour vacation.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Well, it sounds like you had a lot of awesome vacations. I mean, were there any places you didn’t like?

Carrie Krum: Yeah, Montana.

Michael Che: Montana? Why?

Carrie Krum: [Cut to Carrie] Because when I went to Montana, I fell on a bunch of rocks on my back.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Where?

Carrie Krum: On my back.

Michael Che: I mean where in Montana?

Carrie Krum: On the rocks! And it really hurt, [Cut to Carrie] so please don’t go there. The rocks are too hard and my back is too soft.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Okay. I won’t go there.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Michael, I’m sorry can we stop, because I got to go to the bathroom.

Michael Che:  Can’t you just wait until the end?

Carrie Krum: No, because Mumford & Sons gave me a bunch of Sierra mist.

Michael Che: Well, if you have to go then go.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Thank you, Michael. I love you, Michael.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum everybody.

Weekend Update: Trump’s Moscow Tower | Season 44 Episode 7

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of President Trump in the left top corner of the screen] This week Americans were hit with the stunning revelation that their president may have possibly lied to them. Trump’s former lawyer [Picture in the left top corner changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen, who I believe is the love child of Cellino and Barnes, [picture in the top left corner changes to Cellino and Barnes] testified in court that Donald Trump [picture changes to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump] continued to work on a deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow well into his presidential campaign. [Picture changes to a screenshot of Trump’s tweet] Trump defended himself saying the deal was, “Very legal and very cool.” That sounds like a craigslist ad for Russian prostitutes. [Picture changes to craigslist ad for prostitues] Number one all-time babes, very legal, very cool, man and we never kill you, only sometimes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen in the right top corner of the screen with the tag “Weak Person”] President Trump attacked Michael Cohen for pleading guilty to lying to Congress, calling him a weak person. Oh, really, what gave that away, his chin? Doesn’t Donald Trump realize everybody he hires just ends up leaving him or getting fired or locked up? Oh, honey, it’s you. [Picture changes to President Trump] He picks counsel like my cousin Tasha picks baby fathers.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Saudi Crown Prince and Vladimir Putin in the left top corner of the screen] At this weekend’s G20 summit, President Vladimir Putin greeted Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman with a very enthusiastic high-five. [Cut to a video clip of Vladimir Putin giving Crown Prince a high five] Yeah, [Cut to Colin Jost] super cool. No one killed anyone. They looked like the video of  NASA scientists when they found out their probe landed on Mars. [Cut to a video clip of NASA scientists celebrating their success]

[Cut to Colin Jost] And then Putin greeted President Trump with as always, a violent sack tap. [Picture changes to President Putin and President Trump. President Trump leaning forward as if hit on the sack]

[Picture changes to a baby Trump balloon] And protesters at G20 summit flew a giant baby Trump balloon which in the past Trump had said makes him feel unwelcome. Well, yeah, I mean the balloon was never meant as a tribute. Also saying that balloon is being mean to me is a pretty clear sign of dementia. Worst, Trump also thought that the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade was calling him a [picture changes to big Garfield balloon] huge orange pussy.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Julian Assage and Paul Manafort in the right top corner] This week it was reported that Julian Assange, who dyes his face to match his hair, met with Paul Manafort in 2016. [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] Manafort denies the meeting ever took place, but I don’t know if trust a guy who looks like he bleeds cologne. Manafort looks like the kind of guy who tells his daughter’s friends, “You really filled out nicely.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the First Lady Melania with many red Christmas trees behind her] First lady Melania Trump was mocked on social media for her white house Christmas display, which this year featured 40 red trees. And sure, those trees look like jagged teeth in the blazing hot mouth of Satan himself. But come on guys, Melania, she needs this. Her only thing is a campaign against bullying that has been used exclusively to bully her. It’s not like most Christmas decorations are super tasteful anyway. I mean if you’ve seen what people put on their lawns? Maybe you think the white house should be full of giant [red trees changes to minion balloons in the picture] inflatable minions? Or how about this lovely [minion balloons change to Santa in an outhouse] Santa in an outhouse. That’s real and cost $150? And also do you think Christmas displays would be better if Hillary had won? [picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton] I mean Bill would be doing the decorating. So that hallway would be just 100% leg lamps. [Picture to a hallway with giants lamps on really nice lady legs]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a map picture on the top right corner] American border agents fired tear gas and pepper spray on hundreds of migrants who tried to enter the country illegally through Tijuana. Giving migrants a fun preview of what it’s like to be a minority in America. [The picture changes to President Trump] Trump defended the border saying they used safe tear gas. Wait, there’s been safe tear gas this whole time? Boy, black people are going to be upset when they find out about this.

Weekend Update: Six-Foot-Tall Steer | Season 44 Episode 7

[Michael Che on the news set. There’s a picture of big steer between many cows on the right top corner]

Michael Che: An Australian Rancher said that a six-foot tall steer weighing over one ton is too big to go to the slaughterhouse. Yeah, me too, [Picture changes to three cows stacked upon each other wearing a coat] said three cows in a trench coat.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gritty pupped on left top corner] Philadelphia flyers Mascot gritty helped light the Christmas tree outside Philadelphia’s city hall this week. Yeah! Yeah, Gritty was a last-minute replacement for Santa Claus, who was busy trying to escape from Gritty’s trunk. [Picture changes to Santa abducted by Gritty and kept in his trunk] [Picture changes to a logo of Starbucks and wi-fi symbol] Starbucks announced that starting in 2019 it will block pornography websites over its wi-fi. It’s a move they’re calling [Picture changes to Michael Che using a laptop in Starbucks] Che’s Law.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: It’s a good law. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of J.F.K airport on the top right corner] Officials at J.F.K. airport said that a suitcase containing more than 100 pounds of cocaine was left unclaimed at the luggage carousel. For reference, here’s what 100 pounds of cocaine look like. [Pictue changes to Steven Tyler]

[Picture changes to a map picture of Brazil]

Brazilian officials announced that deforestation in the country has reached it’s highest level in a decade. Worse, they’re only doing it because their boyfriend likes it that way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

It’s a waxing joke!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin and Michael] Oh, thank you. I just got it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

Researchers are developing a method to transmit smells through texts. So, yes, there is a way dick pics can get worse.

[Picture changes to Dunkin Donuts] Dunkin’ donuts is saying it’s customer rewards program may have been hacked because American runs on Duncan, but Duncan runs on [Picture changes to old desktop computer] windows 98.

Michael Che: [Cut to Colin and Michael] And on a serious note, Friday night former President George H.W. Bush passed away. He was 94 years old. Our thoughts and condolences go out to his family and friends.

Colin Jost: That’s right, President Bush was famously a warm and gracious man who always understood the power in being able to laugh at yourself.

Speaker 3: [Cut to George Bush impressionist] Thousand points of lights still operating. Coming in from all of those areas. Not gonna do it! Not GA DA.

George Bush: [Cut to George Bush] George Bush here. I’m watching you do your impression of me, and I got to say, it’s nothing like me. There’s no resemblance. It’s bad. It’s bad.

[Cut to George Bush on right side and his impressionist on left side]

Speaker 3: Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President, I think it’s a fair impression.

George Bush: Don’t see it.

Speaker 3: You don’t?

George Bush: It’s totally exaggerated, not me. Those crazy hand gestures, pointing thing. I don’t do’em. And also Na Go Da—never said it. In all my years of government service, I never once said Na, Ga, Da.

[Cut to George Bush’s picture]

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Colin Jost. Good night.

Post Announces Sour Patch Kids Cereal – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[Colin Jost reporting the news. A picture of cereal in the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Post cereal has announced that they will be making a new sour patch kids’ flavored cereal. It’s a great way to start the morning off on the right foot because the left foot was taken by diabetes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of globe focusing Ireland on the top right corner] Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim that they saw an unidentified flying object but keep in mind, Irish pilot is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer. [The picture on the top right changes to a breathalyzer] [The picture on the top right corner changes to chocolate] A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling ruby chocolates, and they’re gonna get sued because ruby chocolate is my drag name.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Walt Disney Park on the top left corner] Walt Disney World removed a man from the park as he waves a Trump 20-20 banner on splash mountain. The man also demanded to separate the ‘It’s a small world kids’ from their families. And ironically, the man had snuck into the park through Epcot’s Mexico pavilion.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of annual calendar for taxi drivers on the top right corner] The annual New York city taxi calendar has been released featuring pictures of topless cap drivers. A calendar of Uber drivers [The picture on the top right corner changes to a car window with ‘Uber’ tag inside] is available on the sex offender registry.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of two women sign on the top left corner.] A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns carrying their baby’s embryo in their wombs. It was a totally equal effort, said the one who didn’t have to give birth. [Michael Che laughs] [The picture on the top left corner changes to a picture of candies] British police are asking a woman who hid more than $300,000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter’s candy. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter is still trick-or-treating.

LaVar Ball on LeBron James’ Criticism – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[Michael Che on news set]

Michael Che: The NBA season is one month old, and one of the biggest stories is the Los Angeles Lakers, who are off to a slow start. Here to talk about it is the father of Lakers point guard Lonzo Ball, Lavar Ball.

Lavar Ball: [Lavar slides on a chair into the screen] All right. What’s up Michael?

Michael Che: How are you doing?

Lavar Ball: How are you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible.

Michael Che: You’ve been outspoken about your son Lonzo playing more minutes. How is he doing?

Lavar Ball: Amazing! [Cut to Lavar] He ain’t no rookie no more. Now it’s his time, his team, he’s the king of L.A. Standing reservations at Spago. Best friends with Jack Nicholson. And he was just named Best New Starlet at the adult video awards. Never lost. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]

Michael Che: Well, I heard rumors that LeBron James thinks you’re a distraction and doesn’t want you around the team.

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Man! Don’t you tell me about no LeBron James! Me and LeBron are best friends, BFF-esses, picnics in the park, brunch on Sundays, always from a respectable 500 feet away. Would I never violate the restraining order, never with the violations?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] I mean even with LeBron, the Lakers are still off to a slow start. Do you think they need maybe more experience?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Lavar] Hell no! What they need is a great coach, and I’ve got the perfect choice, me!

Michael Che: You?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That’s right. I would be an incredible coach, man. [Cut to Lavar] The first thing I’m going to do is make some personnel changes. Yeah, we’re going to be unstoppable with the starting lineup of LeBron, my older son Lonzo, my middle boy Liangelo, my youngest Lamelo, and my other son who was recently rescued from the matrix, Lemorpheous. [Cut to Michael and Lavar]

Michael Che: Now, your actual sons Liangelo and Lamelo just spent a year playing in Lithuania on a team you created.

Lavar Ball: You’re damn right, The Big Baller League.

Michael Che: How did they handle it?

Lavar Ball: What?

Michael Che: How did they handle?

Lavar Ball: Oh, [Cut to Lavar] they loved it. They could be rich teenagers in L.A., but instead, they were in lovely town of Villous, living the big baller lifestyle. Pierogi for breakfast, pierogi for lunch, and for dinner the burneyest cabbage dessert of Bucharest. It will run right through you like the China’s Huji river.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] That sounds rough, man.

Lavar Ball: Oh you jealous? That we be ballin out every day. We just signed [Cut to Lavar] a Lucrative three-figure deal with the biggest video game console in all of Lithuania, the PlayStation 2 and the baller just had their grand finale game against the London Lions in Britain’s number one sport venue.

Michael Che: Wembley Stadium?

Lavar Ball: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] No, the Cover Box Arena in Stratford. This week, basketball. Next week, a production of “Sweeney Todd.”

Michael Che: That’s a long way from coaching the Lakers.

Lavar Ball: How dare you? [Cut to Lavar] My son owns that team. He owns the city. And he also owns the patent to the only sneaker that tracks your genealogy. Introducing the 23-SO3Es.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael and Lavar] Track your genealogy, how does that even work?

Lavar Ball: Easy. You just get your grand mama to fill the shoe up with spit and in five to eight weeks will tell you her heritage with up to 14% accuracy. Never fully sure. Never fully sure.

Michael Che: Lavar Ball everybody. Weekend Update, Michael Che.

Amazon Opens New York Headquarters – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[News intro playing] It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael on a news set]

Michael Che: What’s up everyone?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture map marking Queens and Arlington on top right corner] Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities [The picture on top right corner changes to screenshot of Amazon shopping cart selling Queens and Arlington cities] in its cart. [The picture on top right corner changes New York city with ‘Question Deal’ tag] A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens, but I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s an Amazon picture on the top left corner] By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All of the cities who lost out must have been like, “Shut up you whiny bitches.” New York basically won the lottery, and we’re like, “Oh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.” Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, “Well back to the mines.”  I know it’s going to raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of ballot machine on the top right corner] Election officials in Florida said the ballot machine overheated causing mismatch results in the recount. Word, they overheated in 2018 with all this technology. I have a watch that can count every step I take and lets me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation, but your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never have these problems? I would love to hear, “We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.” They always make it so simple to pay taxes, meanwhile to vote we have to physically line up on a Tuesday in November like getting meat rations in the 1930s.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture map of Florida with LGBTQ flag on the top left corner] A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving. [The picture on the top left corner changes to Presiden Trump and baseball player Babe Rth] On Friday president trump held the presidential medal of freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth, because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of President Trump speaking with black men standing behind him on the top right corner] Because they’re all black. President Trump announced that republicans and democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way noting makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is, “Oh lord, how much they sell us for?” Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing and probably a trap. At best it’s a good thing but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crack head. I mean it might be a great deal, but at the same time you’re like, “So this dude stole clothes from a baby?”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Roger Stone on the top left corner] Great new report. Six days before the Wikileaks released half the emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Roger Stone who I believe runs a haunted carnival, received a text from a friend reading Hillary Clinton’s campaign will die this week, even though the actual moment her campaign died is when she said this- [Cut to Hillary Clinton speaking] “Pokemon Go to the polls!” [Cut to Colin and the picture on top left corner is of Hillary Clinton] I don’t know. Bet Trump is hoping she will Peek-A-Choose to run again.

Weekend Update: Trump Deploys Troops to Stop Migrant Caravan | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. President Trump announced that he would deploy more than 15,000 troops to the US-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago. They’re calling this mission to the border ‘Operation Faithful Patriot’ which sells like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And fun fact, ‘faithful patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during sex.

MICHAEL CHE: You know who’s getting off way to easy in all of this? It’s Canada. I mean there’s two borders on this country, but they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to get into this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses the Tim Hortons Card. Old white people have the strangest fears. I mean of all the things that should actually scare them: salt, stairs, bathtubs, Joel Osteen. Why are you freaking out about Mexicans? I mean if anything you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing all your pain pills.

COLIN JOST: Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan: “Things are getting better, we can’t go back.” Now, in my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is if someone feels the need to tell you things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads about how the subway is improving. And I know because I read these ads when I’m trying to not make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats midterm slogan: “Oh man, are we gonna blow this again?”

MICHAEL CHE: The midterms are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who never vote. Like, me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I just think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctor’s don’t agree on the diagnosis, they don’t just turn to the janitor and say, ‘you wanna break this tie, Carl?’ I am going to vote this time, though, because people tell me this is the most important one. Then again, they said that the last time. I mean it’s like getting a bill that says Final Notice, it’s never the final notice. If it were, you’d be like, cool I guess I just went to college for free then, bitch. I know a lot of white liberals are probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my fault, okay. They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York. They’re not ever from here. If you really want to make a difference, go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying your rent from, and vote there. That’s what counts. You know how those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to coastal cities to study improv.

COLIN JOST: Oprah Winfrey also went door-to-door in Georgia to campaign for Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams. Which is great. But can you imagine how disappointed you would be if Oprah showed up at your door and it was just to discuss politics? I mean look at this woman in Georgia opening her door for Oprah. She definitely thinks she’s getting a new car. And not a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. It’s like if you’re a kid and Santa comes down your chimney on Christmas eve, with no presents, just a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. Former President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out the window two years ago. I mean, Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump Administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is taking sides.

Weekend Update: 50 Cent and Ja Rule’s Ongoing Feud | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Rapper 50 Cent continued his longstanding feud with Ja Rule by buying 200 tickets to his most recent concert so they would all be empty. It’s just great. Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly fifty-cents.

MICHAEL CHE: NBC news announced the Megyn Kelly would not be returning to the Today Show after her comments last week about black face. But don’t worry, she’s recovering with a nice relaxing trip to the spa.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia City Council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty kept his end of the deal, by releasing their children.

MICHAEL CHE: Two male penguins in a same-sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or, and hear me out, male penguins look exactly like female penguins.

COLIN JOST: A nun in Colombia who had lived in a convent for eight years has left the clergy to become a porn star, destroying the otherwise spotless sexual reputation of the Catholic Church. And a man in New Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal had rested his paw on a rifle in the back seat and it slipped. Okay, but then why had the dog googled: ‘How to shoot gun’?

MICHAEL CHE: The inventor of the MetroCard died this week..while waiting for the ‘L’ train.

Weekend Update: Florida Voting Rights Initiative | Season 44 Episode 2

Host 1…..Micheal Che

Host 2…..Colin Jost

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of Florida inside the prison with a tag ‘FELON VOTING RIGHTS’ in the right top corner] A new initiative is on the ballot in Florida this November that would restore voting rights to people with felony convictions. I think this is a very important issue, especially when you consider the millions of black and brown men that have been unfairly incarcerated and should have the right to vote. Now, if you disagree with me, let me remind you, [top right corner picture changes to Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] it’s a very scary time for young men in America. You can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of. See, it’s a good line.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Arizona and cake with a tag ‘FIRE DAMAGE’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: And Arizona fire that caused millions in damage began when a father at a gender reveal party used a high-velocity firearm to shoot a target that exploded. So we don’t know the gender, but we do know who’s getting custody.

(Sorry.)

[top left corner picture changes to a goat with colorful horns with a tag ‘PARTY GOATS’]

A popular new trend in Los Angeles are Party Goats which are goats that are brought to parties and jump on people’s backs. Meanwhile, in China, a popular new trend is studying math and science.

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a white bottle of whiskey with Game of Thrones theme with a tag ‘NEW WHISKEY in the right top corner] The makers of Johnny Walker are introducing a series of whiskey inspired by Game of Thrones. The whiskeys are so strong that you’ll forget she’s your aunt.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of barber seat with a tag ‘ 8-YEAR-OLD BARBER’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: An eight-year-old in Pennsylvania has become a barber and now gives free haircuts to kids in the neighborhood and guess what? [top left corner picture changes to a picture of a young girl cutting a young boy’s hair messed up] They suck.

[top left corner picture changes to a picture of two penguins with a tag ‘ABDUCT BABY PENGUIN’]

A zookeeper in Denmark reported that a gay penguin couple abducted a baby penguin while his parents were swimming. [top left corner picture changes to a screenshot of grandma’s email] This according to an e-mail from my grandma titled “FW: FW: FW: What Obama Did.”

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a Starbucks logo with a tag ‘BARISTAS COMPLAIN’ in the right top corner] Starbucks baristas in Seattle are saying they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores every day by drug users. Meanwhile, over at 7ELEVEN, [top right corner picture changes to a picture of 7Eleven coffee being stirred by medical needle] they’re using them as stirrers.