Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Updates: Weekend Update: Senate Confirms Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court | Season 44 Episode 2

Anchor 1…..Colin Jost

Anchor 2…..Michael Che

[Intro video of Weekend Update playing]

Voiceover: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che sitting on the News Table]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Collin Jost.

[Cut to Collin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh’s picture on the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, the Senate confirmed Brett Kavanaugh to the supreme court with a vote of 50-48. 50 is the lowest number of votes. The lowest number of votes for a justice in history, but keep in mind it’s also the most yeses Kavanaugh has ever heard.

Listen, even if you look past Dr. Ford’s testimony which many people seem to have no trouble doing, Kavanaugh did a bunch of disqualifying just this past week. He basically lied under oath at a job interview to become a judge. That’s like cheating on your wife during your wedding. And then after he went full “Do you know who my father is?” at the confirmation hearing, he had to publish an apology letter in the Wall Street Journal [The picture in the top left corner changes to The Wall Street Journal article] which is something AA calls Step Nine. In that OP-ED, Kavanaugh vowed he would be a quote “Open Minded Judge.” I actually think he will be open-minded because you’ve got to be pretty open-minded to try a devil’s triangle. [The picture in the top left corner changes to White House with a tag ‘LIMITED INVESTIGATION’] And this is all following an FBI investigation which honestly didn’t seem super thorough. He’s what a law and order episode on this investigation would look like.

[Cut to two detectives inside an investigation room talking to a suspect]

Female Detective: We found your fingerprints on a handle of the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink.

The suspect: [Cut to the suspect denying the accusation] I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Female Detective: [Cut to the female detective] Well you’re free to go.

[Cut to Credit screen with only one credit, ‘Executive Producer – Dick Wolf]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh with a Department of Justice logo and a tag ‘FBI INVESTIGATION’] Yes, that FBI investigation was quite ridiculous, but my question is for the five out of six Republican women that voted for Kavanaugh. [The top right corner picture changes to five republican females] So are you all like, hostages? This feels like one of those horror movies where white ladies in love with the monster but doesn’t know it. And all the black people watching are like, “Oh Megan, you’re about to get ate.” This is not good for any of us. And I say us because if these Republicans don’t care about you, oh they definitely don’t care about me, if a white lady in tears can’t get justice then there’s no hoe for my black ass in Jordans.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh on the top left corner with a tag ‘DEMOCRATS CALL HIM “EVIL”’] I’m also angry at Democrats like Cory Booker who came out and called Brett Kavanaugh evil when his nomination was first announced. Then when he was accused of actual evil they had nowhere to go.

[Top left corner picture changes to a picture OJ commercial] It’s like seeing OJ doing a Hertz commercial in the 80’s and saying this is the worst thing he’ll ever do.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I heard the president say on TV that quote, [Cut to the written quote] “IT’S A SCARY TIME FOR YOUNG MEN IN AMERICA WHEN YOU CAN BE GUILTY OF SOMETHING THAT YOU MAY NOT BE GUILTY OF.”

[Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I don’t have a joke for that. I just thought it was hilarious. Come on! Old rich white dude telling us it’s a scary time in America. That is pure comedy. And I will be stealing that line.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost] Republicans are now planning to use the liberal opposition to Brett Kavanaugh to stoke anger among the GOP base ahead of the midterm elections. But if that doesn’t work, they can always fire up their base by saying any of the following things.

[Cut to lists of things they can say, the list – Hillary, Immigrants, Pelosi, Black Lives Matter, NFL, George Soros, Gay Frogs, Puerto Rico, Lady Ghostbusters, Male Nurses, MS-13, MS-14, UP-40, Diversity, Gender-neutral, Kaepernick, LeBron James, Catheter discomfort, Mexico, Obamacare, Starbucks cups, Maxine Waters, The Last Jedi, Barbie dolls with careers, Lena Dunham, Jeff Sessions for some reason] [Punk Rock music playing on back ground – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it. We’re not going to take it anymore.]

[List goes on after a small pause, the list – Black Panther, Black Santa, Brown Himilton, Vagina hats, “farm-to-table”, Fuel economy, Debra Messing, “Happy Holidays”, Michael Moore, Climate change, Mueller, They don’t tell you hit the quarterback anymore] [Punk Rock music playing on background – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it.]

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of the President Donald Trump top in the left top corner with a tag ‘TRUMP TAX SCHEME’] The New York Times uncovered that through out his life Donal Trump received a $413 million inheritance from his father, but Trump said what he was inherited was actually not that big. It was more toad stool sized. The New York Times also published a report accusing the Trump family of cheating the government out of $500 million in taxes. Personally, I think the IRS should just seize all the money the Trump family hid and gave it to Puerto Rico. Or better yet, they could make Trump’s biggest nightmare come true and let a bunch Puerto Ricans come live in his buildings.

Weekend Update: Amazon 4-Star: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are seated at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Amazon has opened a new store that only sells the company’s highest rated items called Amazon 4-Star. And there’s also a store that sells Amazon’s lowest rated items, called RadioShack.

MICHAEL CHE: A new exhibit has opened at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson, dedicated to the life of his slave, Sally Hemmings, who gave birth to six of his children. And you know they are his kids, because they all got that good hair.

COLIN JOST: A vintage airplane will soon be installed at JFK airport and turned into a cocktail lounge. While at Laguardia, it’s now boarding at Gate 32.

MICHAEL CHE: A man in North Dakota was arrested after he climbed into the holy water fountain at mass and started masturbating. Okay, but show me where exactly in the Bible it says you can’t do that.

 

Weekend Update: U.N.’s Climate Change Report: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. Well, guys, hi. [ He points to an image of Trump and Kanye shaking hands. ] This was pretty crazy. But look, it’s not the end of the world. Okay, because this is the end of the world. [ He points to an image of the world with the words ‘Catastrophic Climate Change by 2030. ] That’s right scientists basically published an obituary for the Earth this week. And people were like, but yeah, what does Taylor Swift think about it? We don’t really worry about climate change because it’s too overwhelming and we’re already in too deep. It’s like if you owe your bookie a $1000, you’re like, ‘I gotta pay this dude back.’ But if you owe you’re bookie a million dollars, you’re like, ‘I guess I’m just gonna die.’

MICHAEL CHE: This story’s been stressing me out all week. I just keep asking myself, ‘Why don’t I care about this?” I mean, don’t get me wrong. I 100% believe in climate change, but yet, I am willing to do absolutely nothing about it. I mean we are all gonna lose the planet. We should be sad, right. This whole episode should be a telethon or something, but it’s not. I think it’s because they keep telling us we’re going to lose everything and nobody cares about everything. People only care about some things. Like if Fox News reported that in 2030 climate change was gonna take away all the flags and Confederate statues, oh there would be recycling bins outside of every Cracker Barrell and Dick’s Sporting Goods. White dudes would learn how to recycle then. Black dudes already know how to recycle good. Every container in my apartment used to be something else. But you know how much more black people would care about the planet if you told us we were going to lose Atlanta in 10 years? Black dudes would put windmills on their rims. You want white women to care about the environment? Tell them that if they don’t do something about climate change, we’re gonna lose all the yarn. White women love yarn. No more hats, no more scarves. No more of those ridiculous socks you knit for your dog.

COLIN JOST: Yarn. In a new interview, Melania Trump changed her explanation for wearing the ‘I really don’t care do you?’ jacket, saying she did at as a message for the liberal media. Then what was the message behind your African safari look? Was it a warning not to play Jumanji? I mean just admit that it was tone deaf. I mean, at this point I’m surprised she didn’t show up to the Kavanaugh hearing dressed as the St. Pauli girl. A new report claims that Taylor Swift’s Instagram post endorsing mid-term candidates may have led to over 64,000 young people registering to vote. Which is impressive until you remember that Wendy’s got 6 million people to vote for, ‘Which burger can get it?’

Weekend Update: Goop Staffer Basking Johns: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Michael Che

Baskin Johns…..Heidi Gardner

[ Inside the newsroom, Michael and Coli are seated at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop, celebrated its tenth anniversary last week. Here to tell us about the latest in self-care is Goop staffer, Baskin Johns. [ Baskin Johns slides over in her chair to join Michael at the news desk. ] So Baskin, how long have you been working at Goop?

Baskin Johns: So, I started at Goop pretty recently. But, um, I just finished my product knowledge training. So, I’m very excited to share some Goop skin care with you.

MICHAEL CHE: That’s great. And I bet Gwyneth is watching.

Baskin Johns: Oh, yeah. Hadn’t thought about that. Okay. So, alright. Um. [ She pulls out a beauty care product. ] So, up first is our Goop Revitalizing Lotion. It’s the number one most revitalizing lotion in the world. Rated number one in revitalization. Right? Yeah. No, yeah. That’s right. Sorry. Like I said, there is a lot of products to memorize at Goop. And, um, I just wanted to get it right, if Gwyn’s tuning in.

MICHAEL CHE: I hope I didn’t freak you out when I said Gwyneth might be watching.

Baskin Johns: No, Oh my God, no. I’m good. Okay.

MICHAEL CHE: Because, Goop is a pretty big company.

Baskin Johns: Yeahhh. Yeahhh. Uh-huh. Um. You know we actually have our own science labs.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh, wow and I assume there is no animal testing and its cruelty free.

Baskin Johns: Yes, there’s no animals involved. All the testing and cruelty is done on and to the staff.

MICHAEL CHE: So you test the products on yourselves?

Baskin Johns: Speaking of, I have another product that I wanted to get out there. [ She puts the product in her hand aside and pulls out a smaller container. ] So this is our Goop Luminous Solution. And it’s uh [ She hesitates. ] …number one most luminous solution in the world. [ She hesitates again. ] Rated number one in luminous-ization.

MICHAEL CHE: I thought the first lotion was rated [ He imitates her voice. ] ‘number one’.

Baskin Johns: Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah, no. Yeah. Actually. [ She holds up both the products. ] So these two lotions are tied for number one best supporting lotion. [ She pretend fights the lotion containers. ] They’re duking it out.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, I actually like the smell of that one.

Baskin Johns: Yeah! Can you smell the number ones in there? [ She opens the smaller container and holds is close to Michael’s face. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, okay, so Baskin..I don’t know what number ones are. What would you say is Goop’s mission statement?

Baskin Johns: Oh. [ She hesitates to speak while attempting to close the lotion several times. ] Sa Goop? Sa Goop…So Goop. Okay, Gwyneth is watching. Hi Gwyneth. So Goop, ummmm. So Goop is to me, okay so… Goop is, I don’t even know what Goop is [ She begins to cry a little. She holds up the two lotion bottles. ] This is Goop.

MICHAEL CHE: You seem a little on edge. Is Gwyneth Paltrow like a hard person to work for?

Baskin Johns: Noooo. Noo. No. No, no, no, no. [ She begins to nod. ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, um. What are you doing to me? You’re going to make me Goop my pants. Oh my God, which would be an honor Gwyn. I would love to Goop my pants.

MICHAEL CHE: Baskin Johns everybody.

Baskin Johns: I’ll get it right next time, Gwyn. I promise. I promise I will.

Weekend Update: Really!?! with Seth Meyers, Colin Jost, and Michael Che: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

…..Seth Meyers

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. An image of Trump and Kanye West shaking hands is over Colin’s right shoulder. ]

Colin Jost: Well. President Donald Trump met with Kanye West in the Oval Office this week, which brings us to a segment we call: [ Cut to Title Image read by Colin. ] ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael sitting at the news desk. Seth slides in on his chair and sits between them. ]

Seth Meyers: Woohoo!

Colin: Yeah!

[ Seth pats Colin and Michael on the back and then kisses the news desk. ]

Seth: Let’s do this!

Colin: Woo!

Seth: So! Trump met Kanye in the Oval Office? Really!?! Don’t you have better things to do? And by the way when I say that, I’m not really sure which of you I’m talking to. The only place those two should meet is in group. It should be in a basement of a church and dude with an earring and a leather bracelet should be saying, “I’m so glad you both decided to come back”. I mean really!

Colin: And really, you could tell a lot by how each of them prepared for the meeting. Kanye prepared by learning every fact in the world backwards. While Trump prepared by clearing his desk of any valuables.

[ Cut to image of Trump at his desk in the Oval Office, sitting across from Kanye West, surrounded the press. The desk is completely clear of any items aside from two telephones. ]

[ Cut back to the SNL news desk. ]

Michael Che: You know, I negotiated four ‘n’ words this entire season in my new contract. That’s true. So I just wanna know, how much money does this Nigga owe in taxes?

[ A bell dings and 4 ‘N’s appear as an image below the news desk, one red X over the first ‘N’. ]

Seth: I was here for 12 years and Lorne never even gave me one ‘n’ word.

Michael: Really?

Seth: Really! Probably for the best. And really, you know how crazy Thursday at the White House was? Kid Rock was also there, and no one cared. It was almost a relief to hear someone as reasonable as Kid Rock was in the White House. You know how hard it is to make someone like Kid Rock seem like the adult in the room? His first name is Kid.

Colin: And really Kanye, now do you really think Donald Trump is your friend? After the meeting, he called you, a very different kind of guy. That is not a compliment, man. That’s what you call someone when you want to call them a word you can’t say any more. Like, hey, that Forrest Gump sure is a different kind of guy.

Seth: Really! And then Kanye ran behind the desk and hugged Trump and said, “I love this guy right here.” Really, look at this photo. [ Cut to image of Kanye hugging Trump, both smiling. Kanye is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ] Man, it is so rare that you can see black people and white supremacists betrayed in the exact same moment. [ Cut back to the news desk. ] Really.

Michael: You know, I actually get a lot of what Kanye was trying to say. It sounds like somebody told him something really smart and he just retold it really really wrong. Like when I was a kid and the landlord showed up, and my mother would say, “Tell him I’m not here.” And then I’d say, “My momma said she’s not here.” That’s Kanye.

Seth: Really. Yeah, you know for an egomaniac, Kanye talks a lot about Trump. The fact that he wore a Trump hat to meet Trump is so thirsty. I mean I didn’t wear Yeezys when I met Kanye because I didn’t want to look desperate. And no one would sell me Yeezys.

Colin: And really look it’s really pretty simple. Kanye wants to be Trump’s famous friend because Obama called Kanye a jackass. And if the President of the United States called you a jackass, you’d go ‘You know who I like, the next President’. So in a way Obama is to blame for all of this, the same way Seth is to blame for making fun of Trump so much that he decided to become President.

Seth: Wait, really?

Colin: Yeah, we think that.

Seth: Really, people really think that?

[ Michael and Colin both nod their heads. ]

Michael: Oh yeah.

[ Cut back to the title image. ]

Announcer: This has been ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

Weekend Update: Serena Williams: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Serena Williams…..Leslie Jones

…..Leslie Jones

[ Colin is sitting at newsroom desk with Michael. ]

COLIN JOST: Well according to a new study of cheetahs in the wild…

[ A female voice is heard interrupting Colin. ]

Serena: You owe me an apology! [ Serena, in a tennis outfit with a tutu, walks in front of the newsroom desk where Colin and Michael are seated. She is carrying a tennis racket. ]

COLIN JOST: Wait.

Serena: You owe me an apology! I am not a cheater. I have never cheated in my entire life.

COLIN JOST: Wait, Leslie. I told you we’re not going to do the Serena Williams bit.

Serena: You are a liar and a thief! Say you’re sorry! You will never work at the news desk again!

COLIN JOST: Leslie, the story is three weeks old.

Serena: You will not take this from me!

[ Leslie breaks character from Serena and is now speaking as herself. ]

LESLIE JONES: Look Colin, I spent all summer getting my body in Serena shape so I’m going to play Serena on TV. Look at me. Look at me. [ Leslie does a twirl to show off her body. ] Yah, ha ha! I need that! Yas, yah! Okay, okay. Back to Serena.

[ Leslie gets back into character and continues as if she was Serena. ]

Serena: I want an apology!

COLIN JOST: Leslie, I’m not the…

Serena: Then don’t talk to me! Don’t talk to me.

COLIN JOST: Serena Williams everybody.

Serena: This moment is for Naomi Osaka. [ Leslie walks off the stage. ]

 

Weekend Update: Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford Testify: Season 44 Episode 1

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

…..Brett Kavanaugh

[ Weekend Update opening credits. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colon Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Michael and Colin in the newsroom. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: I’m Colin Jost.

Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford appeared Thursday in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee in classic debate of ‘she said, he yelled’. Based on his testimony, I guess Kavanaugh thought the hearing was about whether he was cool in high school.

[ Cut to clip of Brett Kavanaugh testifying at his recent hearing. ]

Brett Kavanaugh: We drank beer. I liked beer. I still like beer. I worked out with other guy’s at Tobin’s house. Just to meet up and have some beers. Working out, lifting weights. We drank beer, we liked beer.

[ Cut back to Colin and Michael in the newsroom. ]

COLIN JOST: I got to say, you’re not really helping yourself in a drunk and assault case when you yell about how much you like drinking and how strong you were at the time. Pretty much the only ones who kept their composure at the hearing, were the woman being questioned and the woman the Republicans had to hire to talk to the woman being questioned. Now on an optics level, I get why the Republicans did that. But if you’re not the right person to ask questions at a Senate hearing, maybe you’re not the right person to be a senator.

MICHAEL CHE: I just want to remind everybody that all this yelling and crying happened at this dude’s job interview. I mean typically when you’re asked about a sexual assault and your drinking problem at a job interview, you don’t get the damn job! I don’t know if Mr. Kavanaugh actually has a history of assault or if he actually has a drinking problem. But I do know that he might. And you shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court if you might. You shouldn’t be on the People’s Court if you might. Sometimes ‘might’ is enough. I mean, I don’t want to pet your dog if he ‘might’ bite me. I don’t want to leave you in my house if you ‘might’ be a crackhead. I’m not gonna have sex with you if you ‘might’ have had sex with Charlie Sheen.

COLIN JOST: And then there are his calendars. You know, if you have calendars from 1982, it does not prove your innocent. It proves you’re a hoarder. You know when most people throw out their calendars from 1982? 1983. If you’re drinking a bunch and you keep a calendar, it’s probably to piece together what happened in your life. He kept a calendar the same way that the guy in ‘Momento’ got tattoos. Now to be fair to Judge Kavanaugh, it’s insane that he has to answer questions about his high school yearbook. If you looked into anyone’s high school yearbook, you’d find something super embarrassing. Like I regret that my senior quote was a Smash Mouth lyric. And I very much regret that my hairstyle was “The Rachel”. But if they do ask about your yearbook, why would you lie? “The Devil’s Triangle” is not a drinking game. But speaking of drinking games, if you took a shot for every time Kavanaugh lied about his yearbook, you’d be as drunk as Brett Kavanaugh was in the summer of ‘82.

MICHAEL CHE: You know these hearings have taught me a lot about what happens at white prep schools. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sending my kids to a black school where it’s safe. Of course this is a big deal because a Supreme Court Judge is a lifetime job. And sadly that’s more important to Congress than the concerns of half the country. Kavanaugh could be the deciding vote on issues concerning the very people he makes feel unsafe. It would be like letting a coyote decide on roadrunner rights. Or letting all white cops police an all black neighborhood. Also, why does it have to be him? You can’t just pick another dude from your Illuminati lizard meetings? Are Republicans so pro-life that you don’t even have a Plan B for this?

COLIN JOST: Now President Trump on Friday ordered the FBI to conduct a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. And Trump is so serious he said the FBI should probably just drop everything else and only investigate this one thing. Because after Dr. Ford’s testimony in this new FBI investigation, Kavanaugh basically has two strikes against him. Or as Kavanaugh thinks of it, Dos Equis.

 

Weekend Update: Record Cocaine Production–Michael Che and Colin Jost: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

MICHAEL CHE: A new report from the UN shows that last year Columbia saw a record level of cocaine production. The previous record for cocaine production was held by Bobby Brown’s sneeze.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia flyers are being mocked online for their new team mascot which is a 7 foot tall fuzzy creature named Gritty with a long orange beard, googly eyes, and I assume a dime bag of mostly stems. And this is an interesting fact, Gritty is actually the first mascot made from the crayon drawings of a 5 year old who saw his parents murdered.

MICHAEL CHE: Hey, Hey, Hey. Bill Cosby was sentenced to three to ten years in prison. You know what really bothers me about Bill Cosby, if I can be serious. He made a show called ‘The Cosby Show’ and it was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable. Isn’t that weird?

COLIN JOST: A woman in Chicago was scammed out of more than 11,000 dollars by a Bruce Springsteen impersonator she met online. Now these scams can be tricky. But one way to tell that someone is not the real Bruce Springsteen is that he asked to borrow 11,000 dollars.

MICHAEL CHE: I mean Frasier is about Frasier Roseanne is about Roseanne. Seinfeld is about Seinfeld. What if I told you Everybody Loves Raymond was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable? Am I the only one bothered by this? Alright. Fine. Take the rapist’s side.

Dunkin Donuts…

COLIN JOST: ..is not a sponsor anymore.

MICHAEL CHE: Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it will change its name to just Dunkin’. The other half of its name had to be amputated due to diabetes.

BECK BENNETT: That was the Oh?

Researchers in Hong Kong reported the first ever case of a human contracting Rat Hepatitis. Worst, now that guy has to call and inform every rat that he has ever slept with.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on His Engagement to Ariana Grande

….. COLIN JOST

….. PETE DAVIDSON

….. MICHAEL CHE

COLIN JOST: And now here to talk about how he spent his summer is Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hello.

COLIN JOST: Hi.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hi Colin. So my summer, yeah, do we need to explain? Or can I just like… [ Pete motions forward with his hand ] get into it?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, I think we can just get into it. Well, you got engaged to Ariana Grande.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah I did. Yeah. Thank you! I did. I got engaged, and no one could believe it. I couldn’t believe it. And, uh, I get it. She’s the number one pop star in the world, and I’m that guy from SNL that everyone thinks is in desperate need of more blood.

COLIN JOST: Well congratulations, I know it’s been kinda crazy.

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah. Do you remember when that whole city pretended that kid was Batman because he was sick. That’s what this feels like.

COLIN JOST: And have you been enjoying all the attention?

PETE DAVIDSON: I hate it. It’s Awful. I’m so scared. Yo, I got death threats. Yeah, yeah..it’s Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, and Pete Davidson are all people that have gotten death threats. And I like assumed that I would find out about it like they do in movies. Like the governments in your living room with like headsets and there are detectives with suits. And they’re like, ‘Sir we have a situation’. That’s not how I found out. I was leaving my building, and my doorman said, ‘Yo man! Somebody tryin’ to kill you’.

COLIN JOST: And now if you don’t mind me asking..Can I ask, what is the prenup situation?

PETE DAVIDSON: Well obviously I wanted one. You know so God forbid, God forbid we split up, and she takes half my sneakers. No look, I am totally comfortable being with a successful woman. It’s dope. I live at her place, you know. She pays like 60 grand for rent, and all I have to do is like stock the fridge. [ Pete pauses ] Yeah.

COLIN JOST: Well the man doesn’t always have to be the breadwinner in the relationship.

PETE DAVIDSON: God damn right, Colin! He does not. Uh, last night I switched her birth control with Tic Tacs. No, I believe in us and all. But you know, I just want to like make sure. [ Pete pauses ] That she can’t go anywhere.

COLIN JOST: Well she put a song on her new album, and it was called Pete Davidson.

PETE DAVIDSON: I know.

COLIN JOST: That sounds like a very amazing thing to do.

PETE DAVIDSON: Sick.

COLIN JOST: Yeah, and like what have you done for her?

PETE DAVIDSON: Uh, I mentioned the fridge thing. Um, I also love her very much.

COLIN JOST: That’s great.

PETE DAVIDSON: You know I don’t even get royalties for that Pete Davidson song. You know that, like if we break up, and we won’t. We will. But we won’t. No, I’m kidding. But like in 10 years, God forbid that ever happened, there will be song called Pete Davidson like playing in speakers at Kmart, and I’ll be working there.

COLIN JOST: Pete Davidson everyone. [ Colin points at Pete ] For the Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.

[ Camera pans out to show Michael Che sitting with Colin and Pete ]

MICHAEL CHE: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!