Tag: Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer Returns (Melissa McCarthy)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glenn… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: We now join the White House press briefing where Sarah Huckabee Sanders is filling in for Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. It’s an honor to be here today. And for those of you who don’t know me, my father is Mike Huckabee and my mother is a big souther hamburger. Okay? And yes, obviously, I”m hilarious like my daddy. Now, I am filling in for Sean today. As you know, Sean is fulfilling his duty as an officer in the Naval reserve and that is why he cannot be here today.

Cecily: I’m pretty sure I can see him hiding in those bushes.

[Sean Spicer is looking inside through the window from behind the bushes]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I believe that’s a naval exercise. He’s trying to blend in with his surroundings, okay? Are there any more questions?

Sasheer: Yeah. I have a question. Can you just do this full time instead of him?

Mikey: Yeah. I’d also like to ask that question because you are clearly articulate and charming. Where as Sean is bullish–

[Sean Spicer walks in and uses fire extinguisher on Mikey]

Sean Spicer: You know why I had to put your pants out? Coz you’re bone chugged liar in there. That pant’s lying. [walks to the podium and pushing Sarah Huckabee Sanders away] Now, move. Move. When you lie all the time, your pants get on fire. Liar, liar, pants on fire. So, I put him out. That’s right. Spicy’s back. Sarah’s out. Booya! Let’s do this. First question, Michelin man. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Glenn.

Glenn: Yes. People are saying that based on president Trump’s tweets that he is unhinged. Would you agree?

Sean Spicer: Oh, my god, Glenn. Do I come to your job and slap those seven or eight hot dogs out of your mouth? Huh? You’re really gonna ask me that? This is offensive. If he is crazy, he is crazy like a fox with mental problems. Okay? Next question.

Glenn: Yes, I have a follow-up. Isn’t it true that president Trump only fired James Comey to stop the FBI’s investigation with him?

Sean Spicer: Shut up, Glenn.

Glenn: I think the American people deserve to know.

Sean Spicer: [mocking] Oh, do they, Glenn? [gibberish] You stink!

Glenn: Come on! I don’t stink.

Sean Spicer: You stink bad!

Glenn: I don’t stink. [Glenn sits down]

Sean Spicer: Alright, let me just put this whole Russian thing to bed once and for all. Trump is innocent. How do we know? Because he told us so. Period! Then he hired lawyers to agree with him. And they’re going to prove it with a certified letter, which you know is the truth because it costs and extra $2 to certify. Now, I got a tracking number right here. You wanna check it out. It goes 8554611856– son of a– Alright, wait, that’s my bank routing number. No one use that. No one use it. You can’t take money out of it. If you wanna put money in, go ahead. Alright, next question.

Sasheer: Sean, you must know this Russia thing looks really bad.

Sean Spicer: Oh my god! There is no Russian thing. The only Russian thing here is my little dollies. Bring them out.

[Sean Spicer walks to the table beside the podium. There’s a box.]

For you people. Okay, here’s the deal. See if you can follow. Okay, first of all, here’s Trump. [pulls out a pot with Donald Trump printed on it.] Okay? He’s the biggest one and he’s the most beautiful. When he was not happy with the performance of the FBI director, this guy, Comey. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a dog’s picture] Because Comey was not being nice to our friend, boom, Hillary Clinton. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with Maleficent’s picture] Okay? This dude,[he shows a pot with another picture, but then hides it.] wait! Son of a– Okay, that’s not– Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. If you did this Glenn, I swear to god I’ll rip you to shreds. So, what actually happened is Trump conferred with his good, good friend, there you go, Steve Bannon. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a cartoon green slug picture] And the decision to fire Comey was even confirmed by Trump’s tiniest little buddy, come on out you little buddy, Jeff Sessions. [Sean Spicer shows a small pot with Pikachu’s picture] There we go. Jeff Sessions. So, next question.

[Sean Spicer walks to the podium]

Vanessa: Yeah. Were you surprised that he fired Comey before he fired you?

Sean Spicer: Oh, god!

[Sean Spicer walks to a pole, carried the whole pole and throws it over the press members]

Does that answer your question? I honestly hope to god it killed her.

Cecily: Sean. Sean, just be straight with us for once. What’s really going on?

Sean Spicer: I am being straight with you. I’m telling you exactly what president Trump told me.

Glenn: Um, but what if he’s lying to you?

Sean Spicer: He– But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my friend.

Sasheer: If he’s your friend, why does he make you come out here and humiliate yourself everyday?

Sean Spicer: He doesn’t make me. I like it. I– I get off on it.

Mikey: If he’s your friend, why is everyone saying he is about to fire you and replace you with Sarah.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in eating an apple]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, bless your heart. This is the first time I’m hearing of that.

[Sean Spicer pushes Sarah Huckabee Sanders away]

Sean Spicer: Get out. Get out. I gotta find Trump. I’m going to New York. [Sean Spicer’s podium is moving like it’s a car] The press interview is over!

[song playing] [Cut to Sean Spicer traveling on streets on the same podium]

Sean Spicer: [road rage] Common! I need to find Trump! [sobbing] I promise I’ll talk better. I can’t go back to the Navy. I can’t swim.

[Sean Spicer sees a gum on the street. He picks it up and puts it in his mouth.] [Sean Spicer reaches Trump Tower] [to the Trump Tower guard] I wanna talk to President Trump. Now!

Guard: He doesn’t come here anymore.

Sean Spicer: Well, then where is he?

[Cut to a golf course in New Jersey] [Sean Spicer finds Donald Trump

Sean Spicer: Mr. Trump. I need to talk to you. have you ever told me to say things that aren’t true?

Donald Trump: Only since you started working here.

Sean Spicer: I don’t think I can do this anymore, Mr. President. They are saying you are going to replace me with Sarah.

Donald Trump: Sean, come on. I would never do that. She doesn’t have you special spice, salt and pepper [tickling Sean Spicer’s hair] and a little bit of sugar. [tickling Sean Spicer’s belly]

Sean Spicer: No! Mr. President, stop.

Donald Trump: You like it when I do that, Sean?

Sean Spicer: No, it just tickles a little.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump tickles a little more]

Sean Spicer: No! I’m married.

Donald Trump: Sean, kiss me.

Sean Spicer: I can’t. I have a wife. I took vows.

Donald Trump: No, I’m famous. It’s okay.

Sean Spicer: No, wait. Is this like the Godfather when you kiss me and no one ever sees me again?

Donald Trump: Yes.

[Sean Spicer and Donald Trump start kissing]

Easter Message from Sean Spicer (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicy… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a special message from the White House Easter Bunny.

[Cut to kids at the collecting candies. Someone in a bunny costume walks in to the podium.]

Bunny: Hey, kids, Happy Easter. [He opens the bunny mask. He is Sean Spicer.] Alright, get out of here. Go! Get out of here. Alright, shut up. Shut up. Oh, push me. I’m sweating my Easter eggs off in this thing. Everybody, shut up so I can apologize. Yes, you all got your wish this week. Didn’t you? Huh? Spicy finally made a mistake. As we all know, president Trump recently bombed Syria… while eating the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake America has ever laid eyes on. That’s a fact! Okay? People loved that look on that cake. Now, in defending the president’s decision, I said that unlike the Syrian leader, um… [forgets the name] the leader of– uff, son of a– what is his stupid name? I got, um, Bazooka Felicia Hamad Rashad. At least Hitler never used chemical weapons and everybody freaked. Okay? They were all like, “Boo-hoo. What about the holocaust centers?” And yeah, I know they’re not really called the holocaust centers. Duh! I know that. I’m aware. I clearly meant to say concentration clubs, okay? Let it drop! It would be really great if the nit pickers try to see a big picture and didn’t solely focus on every little slur and lie I say. That’d be nice. AND P.S., you know I am sensitive to the fact that they were sent there on trains, but hey, at least they didn’t have to fly United. Am I right? God dang! That one just jumped out of my mouth.

Now, I am particularly sorry this happened the same week as passover, or A.K.A., the Jewish Easter. So, in the spirits of cultural unity, I thought I would shed some light on to all the guys out there on the most sacred holiday, Passover. Now, bring out my baby dolls.

[1 walks to the table beside the podium. There are two boxes.]

Alright. Okay, so here we go. Here’s pharoah. [showing an Egyptian mask] Okay? Pharoah is a bad, bad hombre. And he is doing some really bad stuff to the Jews. [showing tomato puppet] Bad, bad stuff to the Jews. And I mean not even Hitler is– You know what? I’m not going to do it. Not going to go there again. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on Jews. Okay? So, you got Pharoah’s like, “You guys need to start making pyramids and stuff,” And then the Jews, these guys pass over, literally. These guys literally float above the pharoah, kinda like crouching tiger hidden dreidel. I mean, it’s amazing. And they were like, “Yes, see ya’, pharoah. Wouldn’t wanna be yo.” And then from then on, pretty much smooth sailing for the Jews.

[1 walks back to the podium]

Okay, so just to be super clear, as far as bad guys go, the ranking is boom right up at the top, Hitler, coming in at number one. Then Syria’s Babar Al-Asshad. Three, I’m gonna go pharoahs. And then I guess chronologically, Jews take number four. So, that about wraps it up for me. Happy Easter, everybody. Oh, by the way, the president is probably going to bomb North Korean tonight. Okay, Spicy’s gotta hippady-hop. And deliver these eggs. And everybody, just eat as much candy as you want, cause it’s probably the last Easter that we will ever have on earth.

Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Thrush… Bobby Moynihan

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: We now go live to the Daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sean Spicer on a podium] [cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Alright everyone, be quiet. Be seated. Sit down. Sit down. Alright. First of all, I’ld like to announce I am calm now. And I will remain calm as long as you sons of– I’m not gonna do that because that’s is the old spicy. And this is the new spicy. And I have been told that I must cut back on the gum chewing so I am now limiting myself to one slice a day. [showing a huge gum] So, I’m going to enjoy my one and only and you can just sit and watch. [Sean Spicer opens the huge gum and chews it. Then puts it on the podium.] I’ll get back to you later. Now, I’d like to begin with president’s schedule. Three PM, president Trump will meet with the leader from Central Asia, president… oh, boy, [not being able to read the president’s name] Asma-back-atima-baby. OKay? To discuss the unrest in Kahaga– [not being able to read the country’s place] Kahagasthan. Specifically in.. Arabara– [not being able to read the place’s name] Arawanaabag. So, write that. And they will be joined by his wife… um, I’m just gonna pass on that one. You know what? Let’s just call her Connie. Alright? Okay, did that. Now, I’m going to open this up for questions. And I’m gonna probably freak if you start asking stupid ones. Speaking of freaks and stupid ones, , Glenn Thrush, New York Times, stupid hat, so.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: Look, I just wanted to know what the president intends to do now that the appeals court denied his request to stop the travel ban?

[Cut to Sean Spicer breathing heavy]

Sean Spicer: [looking above] You’re testing me, big guy. Look, it’s simple. If the appeals court won’t do what’s right, president Trump will see them in court. Specifically, the people’s court.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: That isn’t real.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [mocking Glenn] Uh, that isn’t real. I’m Glenn, and I’m not really– [yelling] It is real, Glenn! It says that right before each case, Glen. It says cases are real. The rulings are final. Don’t f* with me Glenn. Next question. It’s turkey.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Um, the president has said there should be a test to see if immigrants truly love America. What would that test even be?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Um, it’s easy, it’s extreme vetting. Extreme vetting.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Um, what does that mean? Extreme vetting?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: What does it mean? It means it’s extreme! Okay? You know what? Spicy is going to explain it so you dumb babies can understand it. So I guess I can’t use my big words. I’m gonna have to use my dollies.

[Sean Spicer steps aside. There are two boxes in front of him]

Alright? You ready for dollies so you can understand what’s going on? Here’s how it’s going to go down. You’ve got your TSA agent right here, okay? [showing an action figure] And first you have a barbie coming in. [showing a barbie doll] Nice American girl back from a dream vacation. We know she’s okay because she’s blonde. So she gets in. [throwing the barbie inside another box] Easy. We understand that perfect. Now who’s up next? [showing another black barbie] Oh-oh! It’s Moana.  Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, honey. And then we are going to pat her down and then we’re gonna read her emails. And if we don’t like the answers which we won’t, boom! Guantanamo Bay.

[Sean Spicer walks back to the podium]

Alright, let’s go! Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes. Earlier this week, you said there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [laughing] Um, yeah. I said that wrong when I said it, and then you wrote it, which makes you wrong. Because when I say something wrong, you guys should know what it is I mean? Wrong or right, you are wrong. And that’s why you’re here. Obviously I meant Orlanta.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Orlando.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [getting angry] You know what? [Sean Spicer picks up the gum she had put on the podium and throws it to Sasheer] Okay? Look, the problem is all these terrorist instances and incidents that you are not reporting on. Okay? I have a whole list here that you never even write about. Never covered them once. Let’s read from the list. Okay? The Bowling Green massacre. Not the Kellyanne one. The real one. Okay? The horror in Six Flags. The slaughter at Fragglerock. The night they drove Old Dixie down. Okay? And then there was some light terrorism this week when Nordstorm’s decided to stop selling Ivanka Trump’s line of clothing and accessories. Okay? And that’s Nordstrom’s loss. Because these are high, high quality products. IN fact, I am waring one of her bangles right now. It’s beautiful, it’s shimmery, it’s elegant and at $39.99? [Details to product and phone number to buy appears on screen like those of commercial ads] It is unbelievably affordable. Okay? And don’t even get me started on her shoes. Alright? These babies are real turners. Okay, now we have brand new Attorney General and everyone is very excited about him. And he’s going to answer some questions as well as, here we go! yeah! Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions walks in]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you so much. Thank you. This is awesome. Thank you so much. I do want to say I appreciate it. The fierce debate around my nomination. Lindsay Graham came in like a porcupine. But then my friend Mitch McConnell swoop in like an alligator, bite a head off. We know there are two kinds of crime, regular and black.

[Sean Spicer runs in and pushes Jeff Sessions away]

Sean Spicer: Alright! Alright! Case made! Case made! Thank you, secretary Sessions. Now, as you know, we do need some one here to bring back law and order because places like Chicago, the murder rate is over 80%. 80% of people the people in Chicago have been murdered and are dead. And that’s on you. You did that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah. You know what? I’m looking at the real numbers here and they directly contradict everything you said.

[Sean Spicer comes forward with a leaf blower and uses it on Cecily.]

Sean Spicer: You know what that was? That was me blowing away their dishonesty. Alright, any other questions?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah. Um, just mentally though, are you okay?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Are you kidding me? [This time, she has an automatic podium that runs like a bike, so she runs it to it Kyle.] Run! You better run! You don’t have a chance. And life from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Sean Spicer Press Conference (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Flush… Bobby Moynihan

Kristen Stewart

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Betsy DeVos… Kate McKinnon

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

[Starts with C-SPAN show schedule]

Male voice: Next on C-SPAN, the daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to the White House podium. Sean Spicer walks in.] [cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Good afternoon. [yelling] Settle down! Settle down! Settle down! Before we begin, I know that myself and the press have gotten off to a rocky start. [cheers and applause] Alright! Alright! alright! alright! In a sense, when I say rocky start, I mean it in the sense of ‘Rocky’ the movie because I came out here to punch you in the face. And also, I don’t talk so good. So, I’d like to begin today by apologizing on behalf of you, to me for how you have treated me in the last two weeks. And that apology is not accepted. Coz I’m not here to be your buddy. I’m here to swallow gum, and I’m here to take names.

[Sean Spicer takes a pack of gums out and pours it all in his mouth and starts chewing] [speaking with gums in his mouth] Okay, now let me wave something shiny in front of you monkeys. [Sean Spicer pulls the gum out of his mouth and sticks it on the podium] I’ll get back to you. As you know, President Trump announced his supreme court pick on the national TV today. When he entered the room, the crows greeted him with a standing ovation which lasted a full 15 minutes. And you can check the tape on that. Everyone was smiling. Everyone was happy. The men all had erections and every single one of women was ovulating left and right. And no one, no one was sad. Those are the facts forever and there’s something else. We got something X, three, four, capital T, capital P, eight, four. Hang on, wait a minute, that’s my email password. Forget that. Nobody write that. Stop writing that down!

Now, president’s schedule for today, at 3:45 the president will host an encore screening of ‘Finding Dory’. Okay? The story of a forgetful fish, okay? Everybody likes that. Then at 6 PM he’s going to abolish the national park system. But ‘Dory’, good stuff. So, if nobody has any questions.. [Sean Spicer prepares to leave] [Cut to the media raising their hands for questions] [Cut to Sean Spicer]

Okay, we’ll do a couple of questions. Go, Glen Flush, New York Times. Boo, go ahead.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Yeah, I wanted to ask about the travel ban on Muslims?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban.

Glen Flush: I’m sorry?

Sean Spicer: It’s not a ban. The travel ban is not a ban which makes it not a ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: But you just called it a ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Because I’m using your words. You said ban. You said ban, now I’m saying ban.

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: The president tweeted and I quote, “If the ban were announced with a one-week notice–”

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [interrupting] Yeah, exactly. You just said that. He’s quoting you. It’s your words. He’s using your words when you used the words and he uses them back, it’s circular using of the word and that’s from you. Seriously, Glen, are you going to start with me right out of the gate? I mean, what do you want? Me to take my nuts out so you can get a better kick at them?

[Cut to Glen Flush]

Glen Flush: Okay. You had to have known that I would ask that question.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Okay, sit down, Glen. Who here– just by show of hands, who hates Glen? Right? [no one is raising hand] Everybody? One, to, three, infinity. Now, let the record that everyone raised their hands and everyone hates Glen. So print that. That’s your story. Next question, go.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yeah, I would like to ask about Steve Bannon’s role on the national security council.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, that’s a dumb question. that’s a stupid question. Sit down, Glen.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: My name is not Glen.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: I know your names. I’m just saying “Glen” like in a general Glen. It’s your word. It’s your word. Next, go.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, I’m also concerned about Steve Bannon. A lot of people are saying he’s the one behind the Muslim ban.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Yeah, alright, you guys still aren’t getting it. You need some props? My word’s too big, I got to show you in pictures? [Sean Spicer walks aside. There are two boxes.] Great. Here we go. When it comes to these decisions, the constitution [pulling out a huge paper out of one box] gives our president [pulling out Donald Trump’s picture] lots of power [pulling out an electric plug]. And Steve Bannon is the key [pulling out a huge key] advisor [pulling out a visor cap]. And our president will not [showing a rope knot] be deterred [pulling out fake poop]. In his fight against radical Muslims [pulling out a toy Moose and Lamb (moose-lamb)]. Now, does anybody else have any questions?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yeah. Wall Street Journal. Are you okay?

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Vanessa with it]

Sean Spicer: Take it! You take it! You cannot come at me like that. I will put you in the corner with CNN!

[Cut to Kyle inside bars wearing CNN ID card and diapers]

Kyle: [yelling] We’re not fake news!

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: You like that? You like that, dork? You like that, dork?

[Sean Spicer puts the podium back]

Everybody just cool out, alright? Obviously I’ve been getting a lot of questions about Betsy DeVos, okay? Our nominee for secretary of education. So we actually have her here today to field some few simple question, which I’m sure she’s capable of doing. Betsy!

[Betsy DeVos walks in] [cheers and applause]

Betsy DeVos: Hello. Thank you, yeah. Yes. The man?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Hi. I don’t think we ever got a clear answer on this. How do you value growth versus proficiency in measuring progress in students?

[Cut to Betsy DeVos]

Betsy DeVos: Okay, well, yes, I don’t know anything about school. But I do think there should be a school. Probably Jesus school. and I do think it should have walls and roof and gun for potential grizzly.

[Sean Spicer walks in and pushes Betsy DeVos out]

Sean Spicer: Thank you. that’s enough for now. Thank you. Um, I’ll accept one last question. I’ll take this loser.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I’ve got a question about the statement in White House released on Holocaust Remembrance Day. Do you think it was anti-semitic to not even mention the Jewish people in this statement? [Mikey is being water sprayed] What are you dong?

[Cut to Sean Spicer spraying water on Mikey using a water gun toy]

Sean Spicer: This is soapy water and I’m washing that filthy lying mouth out! First of all, how could the statement, a statement be anti-semitic? The guy who write it was super Jewy. Okay? And the fact is a lot of different people suffered in the holocaust, it wasn’t just Jews. It was also the Gypsies, the lesbies, and these other guys. That’s your word. Your word. That’s enough for today. Spicy’s got to go, bye-bye right now. Need a big-boy nap. Wake up up exactly one minute before tomorrow’s press conference. [pointing at the camera] And Live From New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, that already happened.

[Sean Spicer lifts the podium and walks forward to hit Mikey with it] [cheers and applause] [The End]