Tweezel… Aidy Bryant
Nick Fury… Kenan Thompson
Mikey Day[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.[band is playing music] [Scarlett Johansson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Scarlett Johannson: Thank you. Thank you very much. It is so great to be back hosting SNL for the sixth time. You know, the sixth time is even more exciting than the fifth because you’re not worried anymore. I mean, if the show is bad, what are they going to do? Fire my fiance? Oh, no, what will we do without his pay check? I’m also so happy to be here because it’s Christmas time. And I don’t know about you but I still believe in the magic of Christmas.
Tweezel: Well, that’s good to hear, Scarlett.
Scarlett Johannson: Oh, my god, it’s Tweezel! My old elf on the shelf.
Speaker 2: That’s right. It’s me and I hear you’ve been a very good girl this year.
Scarlett Johannson: Well, I certainly tried my best. That’s for sure.
Speaker 2: I’m sure Santa would want to—[Tweezel slowly turns to dust]
Well—what is this?
Scarlett Johannson: Aidy! Your arm!
Speaker 2: Hey, hey—what the hell is happening?
Scarlett Johannson: Oh, no, Thanos. From “The Avengers” movie I was in. Not the last one. The one before that.[Cut to Alex Moffat, Ego Nwodim and Chris Redd backstage]
Alex Moffat: No, no! [Alex turns to dust]
Chris Redd: Oh, my god. Mikey.
Ego Nwodim: I thought that was Alex.
ChrisReddRedd: It’s the same damn thing.[Cut to 1]
Scarlett Johannson: My god! Am I gonna have to save everyone? I left my Black Widow costume in my car.[Beck Bennet walks in]
Beck Bennett: Scarlett, what is this happening?
Scarlett Johannson: I think Thanos may have somehow returned and found the infinity stone.
Beck Bennet: No, I meant this monologue. This doesn’t seem super top call right? This is like the back-up monologue from the last time you hosted or something?
Scarlett Johannson: Okay, hey, Beck, I love you and it’s Christmas, but you just got to get out of here.[Beck Bennett slowly turns to dust]
Beck Bennett: No. You need me. Who is going to play the dumb idiot?[Cut to Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner back stage]
Heidi Gardner: Cecily, thank god you’re okay. I think Thanos took Pete.
Cecily Strong: No, it’s just one of those weeks when Pete doesn’t show up.
Heidi Gardner: Oh, my god! Look at Bowen.[Cut to Bowen Yang turning to dust]
Bowen Yang: Wow, first Asian cast member. Now you’re dusting me? Twitter’s gonna eat you alive.[Cut to Scarlett Johansson]
Scarlett Johannson: Bowen too? I have to stop this.[Michael Che walks in]
Michael Che: Scarlett.
Scarlett Johannson: Ah! Michael! Oh, thank god you’re safe. But if you’re here, that must mean that Colin is—[Colin Jost walks in]
Colin Jost: Hey. Don’t worry. I’m safe.
Scarlett Johannson: Hi, hey. What’s up?
Colin Jost: Well, I thought you’d be more, like, relieved to see me.
Scarlett Johannson: No, I am. No, it’s great.
Colin Jost: It just doesn’t feel great.
Michael Che: Well, I’m just going to head out.[Michael Che leaves]
Scarlett Johannson: I’m sorry. It’s just, like, I’m focused on Thanos right now.
Colin Jost: Yes! Totally. I got to update stuffs anyway. It’s like saving the world too. Just on a smaller level.[Nick Fury walks in]
Nick Fury: Natasha! If you gonna stop Thanos, you gonna need my help.
Scarlett Johannson: Sam Jackson, I mean, wait, what’s your name in the movie again?
Colin Jost: Nick Fury from S.H.I.E.L.D. Did you now watch the movies? [Scarlett Johansson is staring at Colin Jost] I’m just going to get out of here.
Scarlett Johannson: Why is Thanos doing this?
Nick Fury: It’s not Thanos this time. Somebody else has got Thanos’s glove.[Cut to Pete Davidson playing with Thanos’s gauntlet on.
Pete Davidson: Yo, man! This is insane. I have to stop getting high and buying things on ebay. Half the people disappears. Sick, right?[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Pete Davidson]
Kyle Mooney: So sick! And hey, thanks for getting rid of Beck for me.
Pete Davidson: Oh, no problem dude.[Scarlett Johansson and Nick Fury walk in]
Scarlett Johannson: Pete, you have to stop this at once. Where did they all disappear to?
Pete Davidson: Peacock. It’s NBC’s new streaming service.[Cut to Peacock video bumper.] Peacock. Comedy starts here.[Cut to Nick Fury, Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson]
Scarlett Johannson: Can you please bring him back? Please Pete? Just for Christmas?
Nick Fury: Please, please.
Pete Davidson: Okay, fine. I’ll bring them back.
Scarlett Johannson: No, Pete, you gotta snap it.
Pete Davidson: Oh. Okay. I didn’t see the movie.
Scarlett Johannson: Okay. Merry Christmas, Pete!
Pete Davidson: Oh, thank you. You too.
Nick Fury: So, Pete, taking a few shows off, are you?
Pete Davidson: Yeah. You know, when you’ve been here as long as I have, you can do that.
Nick Fury: Really? Well, that’s good to know.[Cut to Scarlett Johansson and all the SNL cast members on the stage] Scarlett Johannson: Well, it’s great to have you all back. I just want to say, this place means so much to me. I have so many friends here, and I met the love of my life here. Merry Christmas. We get a great show. Niall Horan is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.