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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18





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89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

Greenhilly

Mr. Cherrywood…..Alec Baldwin
Julie…..Jan Hooks
Madam…..Nora Dunn
Maid…..Victoria Jackson
Harry……Phil Hartman

[ Julie and Mr. Cherrywood enter Greenhilly after playing a game of tennis ]

Julie: Oh, that was great fun, Mr. Cherrywood! We must do it again sometime!

Mr. Cherrywood: If your ideaof great fun is chasing a fuzzy little ball over God’s creation, then I pity you!

Julie: [ laughs ] You know, Mr. Cherrywood, I don’t think you’re half as cranky as you would have ne believe. [ laughs, then notices a bird in the room ] Oh! A bird has flown in! What do we do!

Mr. Cherrywood: We must try to scare it out the door!

Julie: Oh, alright..

Mr. Cherrywood: Here he comes! Here he comes!

[ they swat their racquets at the bird, causing him to dash back outdoors; they quickly close the doors, laugh the incident off, then slowly gaze into one another’s eyes and fall into a passionate kiss ]

Julie: [ fights herself off Mr. Cherrywood’s lips ] I must go. [ runs off ]

Mr. Cherrywood: But, Julie? JUlie!

Maid: [ enters room ] Your tea, Mr. Cherrywood. Where would you like it?

Mr. Cherrywood: Oh, over there is fine. Just put it anywhere..

Maid: [ drops the tray to the floor ] Oh, no! I’m so clumsy! Why did I do that!

Mr. Cherrywood: [ bends down to help ] Oh, don’t worry.. it’s nothing! Here, let me help you..

Maid: Oh, no, you musn’t! It’s my fault, not..

[ their eyes meet, and they fall into a passionate embrace until interrupted ]

Madam: Well.. isn’t this a pretty sight.

Maid: Oh, Madam.. oh.. I was.. just bringing the gentleman his tea, and I tripped.. and he was just being kind to me..

Madam: I can see that. You may go now.

Maid: Yes, Ma’am.. [ stumbles out of room ]

Madam: Mr. Cherrywood, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave Greenhilly.

Mr. Cherrywood: Leave Greenhilly? But why?

Madam: You’re having a very disruptive effect on everyone in the household.

Mr. Cherrywood: What are you talking about?

Madam: Why, even now there’s lipstick all over your face. hold still..

Mr. Cherrywood: Oh, now, don’t bother..

[ she wipes the lipstick off of his face, but also falls prey to his charms, ending in a passionate kiss with him ]

Harry: [ enters, angry ] Just as I thought!

Madam: Harry!! It’s not what it seems!

Harry: Prepare to defend yourself, Mr. Cherrywood! If that’s your real name

Madam: [ runs off ] Oh, help! Someone, please help!

[ the two men exchange punches; Mr. Cherrywood strongholds Harry, who gives up his struggle, looks into Mr. Cherrywood’s eyes and locks himself in a passionate embrace, then quickly breaks free ]

Harry: Well.. I’ll be gonig now.. [ walks out ]

Mr. Cherrywood: But, Harry! Harry! [ spies a dog clawing at the window ] Why, where did you come from? You’re a happy little doggie, aren’t you? Let’s just find out who you belong to. [ tugs dog’s collar, as their eyes fixate on one anothers, and they, too, fall into a passionate embrace ]

[ dissolve to title; fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18




Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Greta Garbo I Knew

James O’Brien…..Alec Baldwin
Greta Garbo…..Jan Hooks
Delivery Boy…..Rob Schneider

[ open on black and white photograph of Greta Garbo ]

James O’Brien V/O: This is Greta Garbo as the public remembered her – the luminous legend of the screen. But I remember a different Garbo – the reclusive woman for whom I, James O’Brien, worked in 1983. Garbo was intensely protected of her privacy, and maintaining it was always a challenge. I remember my first day..

[ dissolve to Greta Garbo’s reclusive home ]

James O’Brien: [ enters sunroom ] Miss Garbo?

Greta Garbo: [ looks up from behind dark shades ] Are you.. alone?

James O’Brien: Yes.

Greta Garbo: Very well.

James O’Brien: I have flowers here for you. From another anonymous fan.

Greta Garbo: [ sighs ] Put them in another room. I want to be.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo.

Greta Garbo: Let me see them. [ takes the flowers ] Ohh.. they’re so beautiful. Put each flower in a separate vase, so that they are.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo. Are you ready for your lunch?

Greta Garbo: Yes. I’ll have a single baked potato.. wrapped in its own foil.

James O’Brien: Would you like the potato with butter?

Greta Garbo: No, no, no, no.. alone.

James O’Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo, I’ll prepare that for you.

Greta Garbo: You may.. leave me.. alone.. now.

James O’Brien: Yes, ma’am. Goodbye.

Greta Garbo: So long.. [ phone rings, she panics ] Oh, no.. uh.. telephone! Telephone! Telephone! Telephone! [ James rushes in ] Please.. please.. please..

James O’Brien: [ answers phone ] Hello, Miss Garbo’s residence! Miss Garbo? Uhhh…

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: She’s not here at this time! Who’s calling, please? Mr. Zeckindorf, from the RKO days..

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. yeah. She’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rubs her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing herself..

Greta Garbo: [ spins, while contuning to rub her head ]

James O’Brien: ..rubbing her hair.. uh.. no.. what?

Greta Garbo: [ mimes pulling something ]

James O’Brien: Uh.. uh.. you’ll call back?

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O’Brien: No, no, no.. she’ll call you! You’re at a payphone? Oh! Uh.. when will she be back? Uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her hand, five fingers held up ]

James O’Brien: Five minutes! Hours! Days! Weeks! Months! Years! Uh, no, no, no! Five weeks! She’ll be back in five weeks! Where is she? Uhh.. uhh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her arms and mimics and airplane ]

James O’Brien: She’s flying! She’s flying to, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rocks back and forth ]

James O’Brien: She’s surfing! No, she’s doing the hula.. she’s in Hawaii! She’s in Hawaii! You’re in Hawaii?! Oh! Well! She’s, uh.. she’s, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ touches leaves on an indoor plant ]

James O’Brien: Houseplant.. tree.. leaves.. leaving! She’s leaving Hawaii! To, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ stretches arms out, raises out ]

James O’Brien: To see! To see, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ drops on all fours ]

James O’Brien: A horse! A dog! A cat! A mouse! Uh.. uh.. An ant! She’s going to visit her aunt! Her aunt who lives in, uh.. lives in, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ mimes a shell game ]

James O’Brien: Shell game.. dealer.. cards.. cards.. Montel Carlo.. Monte Carlo! She’s in Monte Carlo! She’s visiting her aunt in Monte Carlo! Okay! Bye! [ hangs up phone ] Wow! That was something! I really thought he had us there, being in Hawaii! We pulled it off!

Greta Garbo: You idiot! Now.. I want you to sit down over here. It should not be so difficult. We are going to go over it one more time, okay? Now.. what is it.. that I want?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Greta Garbo: And?

James O’Brien: To be alone.

Announcer: Next week, on “The Garbo I Knew”.

[ James is trying to keep a Delivery Boy from entering the house, as Garbo hides behind the door ]

James O’Brien: No, really! you can just leave the bags there, I’ll bring them in!

Delivery Boy: Sir, this one’s ripped, you’d better let me bring it in.

James O’Brien: No, no, no, no! You really can’t! The floor.. it was, uh.. it was just waxed!

[ Garbo sneaks away from the door ]

Delivery Boy: No problem..

James O’Brien: No, no, no, please, really..

Delivery Boy: The meat leaked!

James O’Brien: Well, I’ll get some paper towels and clean it up myself!

Delivery Boy: I got a lot of deliveries to make.

James O’Brien: [ gives in ] Alright..

Delivery Boy: [ brings the bags in, puts them on a table, then exits ]

James O’Brien: Thank you.

[ James looks up ablive and discovers Garbo hanging from a chandelier ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18



Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

The Diner

Brenda…..Jan Hooks
Roy…..Kevin Nealon
Earl…..Phil Hartman
Dorothy…..Nora Dunn
Cowboy…..Alec Baldwin

[ open on a Southern diner – Brenda the waitress bringing orders to thecounter ]

Brenda: Who got the Chicken Leg Special?

Roy: [ eating from a plate in front of him that’s not his ] Me. I did.

Brenda: Roy, why didn’t you tell me I gave you the wrong order?

Roy: Because, Brenda.. I didn’t have the heart..

Brenda: [ laughs ] Earl? I’m afraid I gave Roy your breakfast!

Earl: [ eating from a plate of him that’s also not his ] Oh, that’s okay.. I’ll eat this one.

Brenda: Oh, but it’s real cold.

Earl: Well, gosh.. I don’t mind!

Brenda: [ laughs ] Honestly, boys! I don’t see how you put up with me!

Earl: Well.. we don’t know how you put up with us! [ Brenda laughs ] All we do is.. come in here and order stuff.

Brenda: You two are the sweetest things! [ pinches Earl’s cheek ] You are! [ walks across to the counter to fellow waitress Dorothy ] I ran into Bobby. He asked about you.

Dorothy: So?

Brenda: You working late tonight?

Dorothy: Who wants to know?

Brenda: Who do you think?

Dorothy: Why should I care?

Brenda: What should I tell him?

Dorothy: How should I know?

Brenda: [ defensive ] I just asked a question!

Dorothy: [ looks toward the door ] Well.. look what just blew through the screen.. [ a tall, rugged cowboy enters the door and suavely takes a seat on the stool across from Roy ]

Brenda: [ angry ] Man! His type just makes me crazy! Shoot! Look at him – sitting on that stool like he’s doing it a favor! Well, you know what? He can sit there forever as far as I’m concerned – I just don’t care! [ thinking ] However.. my job description requires me to go down and find out exactly what he wants. [ approaches the Cowboy ] Can I help you?

Cowboy: [ in control ] You got coffee?

Brenda: [ taps a cup on the counter ] Got a cup?

Cowboy: You think you can fill it?

Brenda: Think you can handle it?

Cowboy: I can handle a menu!

Brenda: [ gives him a menu ] First look is free.

Cowboy: I ain’t paid for looking yet!

Brenda: [ stern ] You’d better watch it, Cowboy!

Cowboy: I’ve been watching it ever since you walked over here.

Brenda: Yeah.. I couldn’t help noticing what you were looking at, too.

Cowboy: I ain’t looking at anything that ain’t showing!

Brenda: You’d better keep your eyes on what you’re watching, instead of what you think ain’t showing! ‘Cause we got rules here, Mister! Rules! I’m gonna be right back..

Cowboy: I’ll be here!

Brenda: Okay.

Cowboy: Alright!

Brenda: Good, then.

Cowboy: Bye!

Brenda: Okay. [ walks back to Dorothy ]

Dorothy: What did he want?

Brenda: What do you think?

Dorothy: Well, what did you say?

Brenda: Well, what do you think I said?

Roy: [ interrupting ] Eh-excuse me – Brenda? Can we get a cup of coffee?

Brenda: Sure! [ comes forward with a potful ]

Earl: Unless.. unless you.. unless you don’t want us to have anymore.. [ blushes ]

Brenda: Ohhh, you boys! you are just the sweetestthings! I mean it, you really are!

Earl: Yes, Ma’am! [ lowers his head ]

Brenda: [ brings coffee to the Cowboy ] Ready to tell me whatyou want?

Cowboy: I made that decision when I was 12!

Brenda: Ready to tell me what you’d like?

Cowboy: I’m ready!

Brenda: You look it!

Cowboy: You got Specials that look real fine.

Brenda: Yeah, I’m pretty proud of ’em.

Cowboy: Are they as good as they look?

Brenda: I ain’t had no complaints.

Cowboy: I’ll take the Wagon Master! [ Brenda turns away, but he pulls her back ] But I like my eggs on top of my toast!

Brenda: I just bet you do. [ walks back to Dorothy ]Order up!

Dorothy: You are skating on thin ice.

Brenda: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dorothy: You are driving on ball tires.

Brenda: Well, I would love to carry on this interesting conversation, but if you will excuse me, I have muffins to stack. [ starts stacking the muffins on the counter in front of Roy and Earl ]

Roy: [ snorts happily ] Gosh, Brenda! You sure do stack them muffins real good!

Brenda: Why, thank you, Roy! It’s an acquired skill!

Earl: [ smiles impishly ] Well, you.. do it real good!

Brenda: [ pinches Earl’s cheek, then returns to the cowboy ] Now.. why don’t you tell me what kind of pie you want with your breakfast special..

Cowboy: I didn’t order pie!

Brenda: It comes with the Special!

Cowboy: It’s not on the menu!

Brenda: What are you trying to say?

Cowboy: What are you trying to do?

Brenda: Are you trying to say that I’m the sort of waitress whowould offer a slice of pie if it wasn’t on the menu?!

Cowboy: All I’m saying is, pie is never free!

Brenda: You want to know what I think? I think you can take that order right out the door! Because appetites like yours, huh, they’re a dime a dozen!

Cowboy: I guess I’ll be going, then!

Brenda: Well, I guess you will!

Cowboy: [ stands up and heads out the door ] You know something, honey? You shouldn’t give your pie away with breakfast! It makes you look cheap! [ exits ]

Brenda: You get out! [ starts crying ]

Dorothy: Now, now.. don’t you cry, honey, he ain’t worth it.

Earl: [ helpful ] Brenda..? I’ll.. eat his pie..

Roy: Me, too!

Brenda: [ smiling ] You are the sweetest things!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18



Search Now:

89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52’s

A Message From the President of the United States

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

President George Bush: Hit there, this is George! Happy Earth Day Eve to ya!

You know, when I ran for this thing here, against that guy in that state over there, back some time ago, I promised to be the environmental president. I also promised to be the education president, and the popular president. Well.. one out of three ain’t bad! [ laughs ] Just a little joke there!

Tomorrow is Earth Day. Environment, a difficult problem – gotta be prudent! [ motions wildly with hands ] Now, I’d love to just take care of the Greenhouse Effect in one fell swoop up here. Not gonna sacrifice jobs down here. Nah gah dah! Wanna do something bold about the rainforest here – gotta breathe, everyone’s gotta breath! Don’t wanna pin Brazil down here – they’re a democracy. Don’t wanna be at cross-purposes – wanna get together! Not out here, right here! A thousand points of light.

You know, you ask one scientist, he’ll tell you the Earth is warming – here’s that scientist, he’ll tell you about that global warming here. You find another expert over here, saying we got an ice age. You got Gorbachev, the architect of glasnost, over here in this area right there. Over there, you got the right-to-lifers. Over here, you got those who would legalize drugs – gotta get ’em together! Don’t wanna be here, here, here, and here, and here, and here! Wanna be here! Bad! Good! Just wanted to recap there.

You know, I know a little something about fossil fuels myself, old oil guy here, been around. I’ve handled a catalytic converter. One thing I can tell you – when it’s hot, don’t touch it! Badly burned! Ouch!

Got that, that glaucoma thing happening, in that area up there, that one eye swelling up a little bit, you know? Using drops. Using THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. Doctor-prescribed! Comes on this little bottle here, put the THC in that bad eye.. [ squeezes the eye drops into his eyes, then laps it up as it drips towards his mouth ] Kinda tasty!

[ feeling high, stammering ] Well, back to Earth Day.. Picture yourself in a boat on a river.. tangerine trees and marmalade skies.. suddenly, there’s someone at turnstiles.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiighhhttt!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 21st, 1990

Alec Baldwin

The B-52’s

None

Tom Davis

Rob Schneider

David Spade

Conan O’Brien
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George Bush (Dana Carvey) licks his glaucoma drops.

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Transcript

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Handsome actor Alec Baldwin overextends his desire to “charm” the audience with his dashing good looks.

Also Hosted: 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 95k, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 06e.

Transcript

GreenhillySummary: Groundskeeper Mr. Cherrywood (Alec Baldwin) delights in kissing everyone at the Greenhilly country club.

Transcript

The Environmentally Conscious One

The Greto Garbo I KnewSummary: James O’Brien (Alec Baldwin) recalls the eccentric nature of Greta Garbo’s (Jan Hooks) desire to be alone.

Transcript

Only in New York

The B-52’s perform “Cosmic Thing”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Kevin Nealon delivers the news from Ten Feet Away. A. Whitney Brown delivers a Big Picture commentary on Earth Day.

Transcript

The Nude Talk ShowNote: The schedule board in the background lists two shows that were sketches on other episodes of “SNL” – “Dukakis After Dark” and “The Insane Idiot.”

Recurring Characters: Al Goldstein.

The DinerSummary: Sexual tensions run high when a brash waitress (Jan Hooks) takes the order of a drifting cowboy (Alec Baldwin).

Transcript

The B-52’s perform “Channel Z”

Middle-Aged ManRecurring Characters: Middle-Aged Man.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17







Search Now:

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

… Dennis Miller
… Victoria Jackson
Grumpy Old Man … Dana Carvey

Music Intro: Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, withanchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tellya?

[Photo of President Bush shaking hands with SovietForeign Minister Edward Shevardnadze who looks up inthe air] A laughing President Bush earlier this weekmet with Soviet Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadzewho looked skyward as Bush unveiled the newest weaponin our military arsenal, the Stealth Pigeon.

The attentive Shevardnadze came away from the viewingmuch better off than his boss, [Photo of Soviet leaderMikhail Gorbachev displaying the port wine stain birthmark on his forehead – it looks somewhat like he’sbeen spattered by a pigeon dropping] who wasn’t awareof the advent of the new weapon. …[applause]

At next month’s summit meeting between President Bushand President Gorbachev, officials for both sides arenot expecting any concrete agreement on long rangenuclear missiles. In an effort to remain upbeat,though, both sides have agreed that Sean Connery wasthe best James Bond.

[Photo of smiling President Bush gesturing two “thumbsup”] President Bush was pronounced A-OK this week ashe exited a physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center.Doctors said the President has a clean bill of healthexcept for a minor disease of the hand joints calledSiskel-itis. … There’s a cure for it and it’s calledEbert’s Formula but there’s a dangerous side effect –it makes you really, really fat.

According to the president’s upcoming itinerary, Bushhopes this year to visit Brazil, Argentina, Chile,Uruguay and Venezuela. The trip will take place sometime after the summer. For the record, Vice-PresidentQuayle has already made six trips to Latin Americabut, in an effort to save face with his friends, hekeeps telling them he’s going to L.A.

While delivering a speech in Houston on Wednesday,this fell out of Vice-President Quayle’s head. [Photoof an enormous metal tube]

And … [holding up a poster advertising “Earth Day”]these Earth Day things are all over town, litteringthe streets and makin’ a big mess. … You know, Eastand, uh– [applause]

East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoonfor a quickie but it didn’t work and they once againagreed to see other countries.

And, in Israel, Shimon Peres, head of the Labor Party,failed to form a new government yesterday when everyIsraeli citizen formed their own separate politicalparty.

Dennis Miller: After a half century of servingthe poor, Mother Teresa announced her retirement thisweek. Here, with a commentary, is our own VictoriaJackson. Welcome, Vicki. [applause]

Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! Thank you!Thank you. [stiffly, as if reading a report in gradeschool] Last Wednesday was a sad day in Calcutta,India as Mother Teresa announced her retirement. Shewon the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 and soon became afavorite on talk shows like Johnny Carson. Her wittyrepartee and smart attire set her apart from otherCatholic nuns. She’s the major influence of my life.Because of Mother Teresa I started tap dancing. Oneday, when I was little, I got sick and I had to go tothe hospital and Mother Teresa came and visited me andshe told me that she promised she would hit a home runfor me that night. As I was listening to the radioannouncement of the game, Mother Teresa hit twohome runs. She went three for four with five RBIs and,at the end of the game, she dug out home plate andgave it to the poor. … Wait. Maybe it was MickeyMantle but I had a really high fever. But my point isthat Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle werealways there for the people, whether they were playingbaseball or – or giving food and stuff to poor people.Mickey Mantle deserved the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979but instead he gave it to Mother Teresa so he could goout drinking with Whitey Ford. … Because that’s whatkind of a guy Mickey Mantle was.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria Jackson.[applause, Dennis shakes Victoria’s hand] Very good.[turns to audience which is still applauding] And–Thank you.

Yesterday – yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Sinceour Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have beennine hundred and thirty-five “Friday the thirteenths.”Which is only fourteen less than the number ofFriday the 13th movie sequels.

And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is thepremiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt forRed October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated asa submarine]

And, in Amsterdam, following last week’s tragicvandalism where a thirty-one year old man threwsulfuric acid at Rembrandt’s masterpiece The NightWatch, museum officials are no longer permittingsulfuric acid vendors on museum grounds. The sulfuricacid vendors are filing a class action suit againstthe museum, claiming, “It’s not sulfuric acid thatruins paintings, it’s people that ruinpaintings.”

[Photo of real estate mogul Donald Trump posing nextto an oversized genie’s lamp] Donald Trump posed thisweek for publicity photos as he opened his Trump TajMahal hotel and casino in Atlantic City. On his lovelife front, it was reported that he’s no longer seeingMarla Maples. He is now dating someone named”Jeannie.”

And it was revealed this week that Ivana Trump plansto market a line of her own underwear for women. Aspokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump was qualified, said,”If she’s not, she will be — because she’s gonna beseeing a lot of briefs in the upcoming months.”[mild reaction from crowd] Well. That brought Updateto a screeching halt. [Sound effects of squealingtires and car crash. From beneath the Update desk, anairbag deploys and inflates to protect a startledDennis who is pushed back to the wall behind him.Laughter, cheers and applause. Dennis recovers,straightens his papers.] Gotta see somebody about thatbladder. [to the prop man under the desk] You wannaleave? Wanna leave? Go ‘head. [the prop man emergesfrom beneath the Update desk and exits – Dennis callsafter him:] Now, you blew that up all by yourself,didn’t ya? [pause, then quickly] You might want toleave a phone number. You know, uh …[applause]

You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles setbox office records again this week. The movie broughtin one point five million dollars in L.A., two pointthree million dollars in New York and an astonishingseventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.

And Art Buchwald – Art Buchwald has sued the makers ofthe Turtles this week, saying the concept was stolenfrom an original screenplay he submitted years agoentitled Adolescent Hybrid SamuraiToads.

Dennis Miller: And now here with a commentaryis Grumpy Old Man! Welcome, Grumpy! [applause forGrumpy Old Man, an elderly, bespectacled, gray-hairedman in a sweater]

Grumpy Old Man: I’m oooooold! And I’m nothappy! And I don’t like things now compared to the waythey used to be. All this progress — phooey! In myday, we didn’t have these cash machines thatwould give you money when you needed it. Therewas only one bank in each state — it was open onlyone hour a year. And you’d get in line, seventeenmiles long, and the line became an angry mob of people– fornicators and thieves, mutant children and circusfreaks — and you waited for years and by the time yougot to the teller, you were senile and arthritic andyou couldn’t remember your own name. You were born,got in line, and ya died! And that’s the way it wasand we liked it!

Life was simpler then. There wasn’t all this concernabout hy-giene! It my days, we didn’t haveKleenex. When you turned seventeen, you weregiven the family handkerchief. … It hadn’t beenwashed in generations and it stood on its own …filled with diseases and swarmin’ with flies. … Ifyou tried to blow your nose, you’d get an infectionand your head would swell up and turn green andchildren would burst into tears at the sight o’ ya!And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Life was a carnival! We entertained ourselves!We didn’t need moooovin’ pitchurrrres. In myday, there was only one show in town — it was called”Stare at the sun!” … That’s right! You’d sit in themiddle of an open field and stare up at the sun tillyour eyeballs burst into flames! And you thought, “Oh,no! Maybe I shouldn’t’ve stared directly into theburning sun with my eyes wide open.” But it was toolate! Your head was on fire and people wereroastin’ chickens over it. … And that’s the way itwas and we liked it!

Progress?! Flobble-de-flee! In my day, when wewere angry and frustrated, we just said,“Flobble-de-flee!” ’cause we were idiots and wedidn’t know what else to say! Just a bunch o’illiterate Cro-Magnons, blowin’ on crustyhandkerchiefs, waitin’ in lines for our head to burstinto flame and that’s the way it was and weliked it!

Dennis Miller: Grumpy Old Man! Thank you,Grumpy! [applause, Dennis tries to shake Grumpy OldMan’s hand but Grumpy Old Man is too ornery to shakeanybody’s hand, dadgummit]

Grumpy Old Man: Flobble-de-flee![exits]

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Grumpy!

You know, Life Magazine’s new Earth Day editioncelebrating our trees printed five million copies andused up thirty-five thousand trees.

And nuclear power plant workers were exposed to moreradiation last year than ever before. In a governmentstudy just released, the radiation dose they receivedwas roughly equivalent to fifty chest X-rays, sixhundred tanning salon visits, twelve thousand days inthe sun or one bottle of Perrier.

[Photo of M & M chocolate candies] And M & M turnedfifty this week and reportedly they are going througha change of life, asking their buyers to now refer tothem as “W & W’s.”

And Zsa Zsa Gabor is bragging about heronce-upon-a-time dates with John Kennedy. According toGabor, “I went out with Mr. Kennedy, the President ofthe United States, and I was his favorite date but henever once asked me to sleep with him.” You know, myrespect for Jack Kennedy grows more and more everyday.

And, due to his wonderful performance in front of thePoindexter Iran-Contra trial jury last month, RonaldReagan who, when answering “I don’t recall” to onehundred and twenty-four out of one hundred and fiftyquestions asked, sometimes appeared to be lobotomized,recently won the lead in the sequel to One FlewOver the Cuckoo’s Nest. [Doctored photo of Reagandressed as McMurphy in the 1975 film version ofCuckoo’s Nest]

And this week marked the fifty-fourth anniversary ofthe abdication of Edward VIII who gave up the throneof England because he fell in love with, and wanted tomarry, Mrs. Simpson, a commoner from America. [Side byside photos of Edward VIII and cartoon character MargeSimpson of TV’s The Simpsons.]

Guess what, folks? That’s the news and I – am – out -of – here!

[Applause and more of Lou Reed’s “Dirty Boulevard”]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17





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89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

George F. Will’s Sports Machine

George F. Will…..Dana Carvey
Mike Schmidt…..Corbin Bernsen
Tommy Lasorda…..Jon Lovitz
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon

Sam Donaldson Voice-over: It’s “George F. Will’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, syndicated columnist, George F. Will.

[ cut to game studio, with an audience of die-hard sports fans cheering, as George F Will enters ]

George F. Will: Good evening. “Sports, say the ancient Greeks, is morally serious because mankind’s noblest aim, is the loving contemplation of worthy things.” That’s an excerpt from my new book on baseball entitled.. [ holds up book ] “Men at Work”, and I’d say it’s particularly a propos in light of today’s Expo-Padre game. [ audience issues a blank, sluggish stare ] Joining me today are two gentlemen who would no doubt agree. First, former slugger for the Philadelphia Phillies, Mike Schmidt. Good day, Mike. Tell us, what do you miss most since retiring from baseball last year?

Mike Schmidt: Well, George, I guess I miss going to the ballparkevery day.

George F. Will: Ah yes, ballparks. In humanity there exists avestigial memory of an enclosed green space as a place of freedom or play.

Mike Schmidt: [ confused ] Yeah. I guess.

George F. Will: Excellent. Competing with Mr. Schmidt today isskillful practitioner of the managerial arts – from the Dodgers, TommyLasorda. Salutations, Tommy.

Tommy Lasorda: [ slaps his stomach ] Good to see you, George. I’m ready to play!

George F. Will: Well, the manager’s role is one of both hector and helper, naysayer and nexus. Around his circumference lies the full measure of the game.

Tommy Lasorda: I.. uh.. well, I’m ready to play!

George F. Will: Very well. Let us engage the sports machine.Gentlemen, as always, the questions will focus exclusively on baseball, the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose. All right, hands on buzzers. [ he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that George reads ] “The precarious balance between infield and outfield suggests a perfect symmetry. For $50, identify the effect of that symmetry.”

[ the contestants stare cluelessly, as the buzzer sounds ]

George F. Will: Sorry. The answer is: “The exhilarating tensionbetween being and becoming.” Being and becoming. Next question: [ hitsseveral buttons, dispensing another card ] “In 1954, Willie Mays, in anemphatic stroke of Byzantine whimsy, made his over-the-shoulder catch off of Vic Wertz. What was it not unlike?” [ no answers ] Take it? Anyone?

Mike Schmidt: The.. uh.. the catch in Cincinnati that.. [ buzzer sounds ]

George F. Will: Sorry. “It was not unlike watching Atlantis rise again from the sea, the bones of its kings new-covered with flesh.” [ audience members stare blankly in awe ] Well, gentlemen, no score as of yet, but the night is young. Perhaps what you gentlemen need is a little incentive, so here to tell you about today’s prizes is our own Sam Donaldson.

Sam Donaldson: Thank you, George. Thank you. Today’s winner willreceive a copy of Roget’s Expanded Thesaurus. [ holds up book, singing ] “Buy me a Roget’s and crackerjacks, I don’t care if I never come back. And they’ll also receive.. [ holds prize up ] ..Chocowhip, chocolate-flavored whip topping. It’s sweet and fluffy. Mmmm, Chocowhip!

George F. Will: Sam, isn’t it somewhat of a given that a whip topping would be sweet and fluffy?

Sam Donaldson: Oh, come off it, George! You can’t see the forest for the trees!

George F. Will: We’ll continue this spirited discussion later. As for now, it’s time we moved on to the Big Board. And the categories are: “Baseball as Narrative”, “Aristotle and Comiskey”, “Joyce Carol Oates”, “Left Field: Myth or Monopeia?”, “Pitch Patch Potch”, “Dulce et Decorum Est”, and “Pot Luck”. Mike, choose a category.

Mike Schmidt: [ contemplating ] Uh.. “Pot Luck”.

George F. Will: Very well. [ $100 card under category is removed, revealing question ] “Like freedom, baseball is that stake where energy and order merge, and all complexity is purified into a simple coherence.” Piffle, or not piffle?

Mike Schmidt: Uh.. piffle.

[ bell sounds ]

George F. Will: That is correct, it’s absolute piffle. It’s baseball’s complexity, not its purity, that instills in us our freedom, and you have $100.

Tommy Lasorda: Hey, wait a minute! What’s this piffle crap? What kind of question is that?

George F. Will: I’m sorry, Tommy, but this is not a forum here for debating the merits..

Tommy Lasorda: Oh, no, no, this isn’t a joke. I’m playing for a bunch of kids in the hospital, you’re making me look like a chump!

Mike Schmidt: I feel kind of stupid too!

George F. Will: Everything in good time, gentlemen. We certainly need to..

Tommy Lasorda: Let me ask you something: you ever playbaseball?

George F. Will: If, by play, you mean drink deep the aura of the game, then..

Tommy Lasorda: No no, I mean play the game.. in the field.. in the field. Here. [takes out a baseball and throws it to George ] Throw this ball.

George F. Will: I’m sorry, Mr. Lasorda, but my duties as quizmaster compel me to move the game along.

Sam Donaldson: Throw the ball, George! Throw the ball.

George F. Will: Shut up, Sam! Now then, next question. Mike, you have control of the board..

Mike Schmidt: Throw the ball! Come on, throw the ball!

Tommy Lasorda: Throw the ball! Throw the ball!

[ audience joins in chants of “Throw the ball!”, as George, confusedly, tries to think of what to do. Overcome by the crowd, he releases the ball weakly, landing only a few feet in front of him. Everyone laughs, and George, embarrassed, breaks into a weak run and leaves the studio. ]

Sam Donaldson: [ pointing ] He’s getting away!

[ Tommy Lasorda and Mike Schmidt chase George, leaving Studio 8H and running into the hallway. They pass actual photos of the “SNL” cast members as they leave. Superimposed title and music plays. ]

Sam Donaldson Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Sport’s Machine” this week. Good night.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Corbin Bernsen’s Monologue

…..Corbin Bernsen

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Corbin Bernsen!

Corbin Bernsen: Alright! Thank you! Yeah! Thank you very much! Thank you! [ chuckles heartily ] Thank you!

Well, I’m really glad to be in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live,” huh? Now, before we start the show, there’s — I’d like to take this opportunity to clear something up. Now, because of the character I play on “L.A. Law” — Arnie Becker — you probably have a preconceived image of me as a cocky, arrogrant womanizer. [ the audience cheers ] That’s just.. a character. Now, I suppose there might be uh, a little bit of, uh, Arnie Becker in me, and. the truth is, when I first became famous, I did have a tendancy to be.. a little arrogant. I — [pauses ] I bought a Porsche.. I dated Vanna White.. [ audience chuckles ] I killed a man. [ audience laughs ] But then I realized what that was — that was just a – just a part of me crying out for acceptance. It was the fifteen-year old, remembering a time when – when girls didn’t want to go out with me, and when I wasn’t that popular. [ sincere pause ] That was a hard time for me. [ audience awwws ] Ah, who am I kidding! There was NEVER a time when girls wouldn’t go out with me! Women – hey, they’ve ALWAYS wanted me! and men have ALWAYS been afraid of me! I was just trying to relate to you people, somehow. [ with quiet sincerity ] You see, I’m, uh – I’m – I’m a little nervous tonight, and I just – I just wanted to get you on my side. [ a beat ] What am I talking about? I’m not nervous! They just told me to say that! I feel GREAT! I look GREAT! [ audience laughs ]

We’ve got a great show! The Smithereens are here! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

TV Lawyers

Judge…..Nora Dunn
Prosecutor…..Kevin Nealon
…..Corbin Bernsen
Susan Dey…..Jan HooksRaymond Burr…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on exterior, Municipal Court of Los Angeles ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom, as the Judge pounds her gavel ]

Judge: The next case is number 15702: The State of California vs. Corbin Bernsen. Does the prosecution have any opening remarks?

Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor. [ stands ] These are the facts: Mr. Bernsen has constructed a three-story addition to his house that variants with public building codes, which limits structures in his zone to two stories. The State is asking him to dismantle the top story of his, uh, addition, and pay $1,500 in fines.

Judge: Alright, now, Mr. Bernsen.. where is your counsel?

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor — [ stands, smoothes the creases from his jacket ] it is my intention to represent myself.

Judge: Now, Mr. Bernen, this is a complicated matter. I strongly urge you to retain a lawyer.

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor, I don’t think you understand — for the last four years, I have portrayed a lawyer on a television program. And, in that time, I have grown very familiar with legal procedure.

Judge: [ sighs ] Alright, Mr. Bernsen. Why don’t you present your case?

Corbin Bernsen: Thank you, Your Honor. [ stands before the courtroom ] If it please the court, throughout the course of this trial, I intend to get an injunction and file several motions. [ paces the courtroom ] Affadavits will be signed. And submitted. and, of course, my case will include deposition. That’s right — [ stares directly at the Prosecutor ] lots of depositions.

[ the Prosecutor shakes his head ]

Judge: Mr. Bernsen, will you please get to your point?

Corbin Bernsen: Very well, Your Honor. We can litigate on that later. But, first, I’d like to make several legal points, which have a relevance to this case. A case which is now.. in a court of law. And, with your permission, I would like to lead the witness with torts, writs, and, if necessary — [ stares once again at the Prosecutor ] more depositions.

Judge: [ sternly ] Mr. Bernsen, we have many cases to hear today. Will you please be succinct?

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor, I move that a mistrial be declared immediately in your chambers, to issue subpeonas and exchange legal briefs.

Prosecutor: Ob-jec-tion! [ rises ] Mr. Bernsen clearly does not understand the concept of this trial.

Judge: Objection sustained.

Prosecutor: Thank you. [ sits ]

Corbin Bernsen: Yuor Honor, this trial is, without question, the greatest injunction I have ever witnessed! This room is FULL of heresay and suspicious persons, and I must ask that ALL remarks be STRICKEN from the record, and be put on fle with the Court Clerk! [ to the Court Clerk ] Could you read that back to me, please?

Judge: Mr. Bernsen, it is the opinion of the Court that you are a boob. And I feel it is only in your best interest that I appoint you an attorney.

Corbin Bernsen: Oh — alright — wait, wait, wait. I-I foresaw this as a possibility, and I have, uh, I have legal counsel right outside.

Judge: Please.

Corbin Bernsen: I ask the Court.. to welcome Miss Susan Dey.

[ Susan Dey saunters into the courtroom in the same smooth demeanor of her character, Grace Van Owen ]

Susan Dey: Your Honor, I’m sorry about Corbin – he obviously did not prepare very well.

Judge: Well, there’s been no harm done, if you’ll just please advise him to pay his fines.

Susan Dey: [ steps closer to the Judge ] Your Honor, this case is not about building codes.. or zoning laws.. or any abstract ideas. [ turns to face the courtroom ] THIS.. case.. is about a real.. house. With a real.. addition. With real walls.. made of real sheetrock — oh, yes. [ nods her head ] And real moldings.. that have been really.. painted. With.. real paint.

Judge: I think we’ve heard enough, Miss Dey. Please sit down.

[ Susan Dey rolls her eyes, then takes a seat ]

Corbin Bernsen: S-sorry, Your Honor. Susan’s character has been going through some rough times on the show. But waiting outside is a much older, much more experienced lawyer who has agreede to represent me. Allow me to introduce Mr. Andy Griffith — TV’s “Matlock.”

[ Andy Griffith enters the courtroom, smiling and waving at everyone in the room ]

Andy Griffith: Your Honor, I don’t know SPIT about lawyerin’! But, ever since I was a little shaver, I used to love to sit by Crackleberry Creek! Fish for large-mouthed bass, just fryin’ them up! Mmm-mmm!!

Judge: Get out! Get out, get out! All of you, get out!

Andy Griffith: Nooow, hold yer horses! I won’t be handlin’ this case alone. I brought my good friend, Raymond Burrr along with me, to help me.

[ a heavily-padded and heavily-beared Raymond Burr swaggers into the courtroom ]

Raymond Burr: Your Honorrrr — [ takes a deep breath ] I intend to prove that my client, Corbin Bernsen, is INCAPABLE of the murder of Dr. Ainsley Bainbridge. [ takes another deep breath ] If you’ll indulge me in a little demonstration — [ clears his throat ] Paul?

[ a gentlemen enters the courtoom wheeling a volcano science project toward the Judge’s desk ]

Judge: [ banging her gavel ] Alright!! Now, Mr. Bernsen, I fine you guilty, and I assess the maximum fine against you! Now, before you go, I want you to know that I think the way you people have — have conducted yourselves here today is DISGUSTING! Now, I expect that kind of behavior from you people from “L.A. Law” — and from you, Matlock — but, not from you, TV’s Perry Mason! YOU’RE the reason I got into Law!! And I feel SORRY for you! Now, that is ALL I have to say!

Corbin Bernsen: Hold on! Before you go, there’s something I want to say to you. [ violin music pots up ] Maybe the four of us don’t know about this business — the specific details of the Law, or what it’s intended to do, or even how to find somebody who knows this stuff. But we do know one thing: that’s how to make a dramatic exit. [ to his colleagues ] Let’s go.

[ the four TV lawyer/actors make their dramatic exits from the courtroom as the crowd applauds their performance ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter

Ira…..Tom Schiller
Hanukkah Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Easter Bunny…..Corbin Bernsen
Elijah…..Al Franken
Otis…..Mike Myers
Roweena…..Jan Hooks
Mr. Toole…..Phil Hartman

[Sketch opens with the Rifkin family in the middle of a Passover seder]

Rifkin Family: …borei pri hagafen.

Ira: And now we drink the third cup of wine, aleph asher kidivitsnu.

[All raise their cups of wine and drink]

Ira: And now, as is family tradition, Uncle Hanukkah Harry will tell us about the prophet Elijah.

[Hanukkah Harry stands up]

Hanukkah Harry: Please, please stop, you’re embarrassing me! Now, as you all know, I love Passover. It’s no Hanukkah, but that’s nine months away. So I have plenty of time to relax, fly down here to Miami, visit my sister Cheryl, my nephew Ira, this beautiful family. And now, Elijah. As you know, it is custom to set aside a goblet of wine for the invisible prophet Elijah who visits every Jewish home who welcomes him. Now it is at this point in the seder when we open the front door for Elijah.

[Hanukkah Harry opens the door, revealing the Easter Bunny wearing crutches]

Hanukkah Harry: Oy gevalt!

Easter Bunny: Hi, I’m looking for Hanukkah Harry.

[Fade into opening credits:] [Hallmark in Association with the Jewish Anti-Defamation League presents:] [The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter]

[As the theme song is sung, we see Harry dressed in a gray suit flying through the air on a rickety cart pulled by 3 donkeys with blue blankets bearing their names.] Song: “On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Says Hanukkah Harry eight nights a year! On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Means that Hanukkah Harry is here! Delivering toys for Jewish girls and Jewish boys We dance the hora around the menorah When Hanukkah Harry is Here!”

[Cut to Easter Bunny at the Rifkins’ seder table]

Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, come here! Have another potato pancake.

Easter Bunny: No, thank you, thank you.

Hanukkah Harry: Have a—

Easter Bunny: No, I can’t eat another thing. It’s delicious, thank you, Mrs. Rifkin.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, anyway, about your leg, you were saying…

Easter Bunny: Yeah, I was in the woods and uh, I stepped into this steel trap left by one of these furrier jerks, and uh, my goodness, a forest ranger was there and he recognized me just as I was about to chew off my left leg.

Hanukkah Harry: You’re not able to deliver the Easter baskets to all the Gentile boys and girls?

Easter Bunny: No, that’s where I was hoping you would come in.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, I’m sorry, Easter Bunny, I only have that holiday eight nights a year. But you know, there is one man who has that power…

Ira: Uncle Hanukkah Harry!

Hanukkah Harry: …during Passover!

Ira: Uncle Harry, you don’t mean Elijah?

Easter Bunny: Elijah?

Hanukkah Harry: Yeah! In fact, when I was going to open the door for you before, I was opening it to let in Elijah.

[Focus on the wine glass, which magically empties as if an invisible being is drinking it]

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, it’s you!

[A disembodied chair approaches the table]

Elijah [voice] You were expecting maybe Charlton Heston?

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, I was wondering if you could do a little favor?

Elijah: Yes, Harry, I know, I heard. But tell me, why should I help the goyim?

Hanukkah Harry: Ach!

Easter Bunny: Please, Elijah, this is for all the little Christian boys and girls.

Rifkin Family: Please, Elijah!

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, remember that Jesus was a Jew.

Easter Bunny: I didn’t know that.

Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes He was. In fact, His Last Supper was a seder not unlike this one, except they didn’t have the appliances. Jesus was a great teacher, not unlike yourself, Elijah.

Elijah: But He was not the Son of God.

Easter Bunny: Oh yes, He was.

Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, please, you’re not helping. All I’m saying is that Jesus was a great rabbi, which is just one letter from the great rabbit, which is what we have here.

Elijah: Well, all right.

Rifkin Family: Hooray!

[We see Hanukkah Harry once again flying through the air on his cart, this time accompanied by a coat worn by the invisible Elijah, as a parody of “Hava Nagila” is sung]

[Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah saving Easter]

[Focus on two teenage hillbillies in a decrepit rural shack]

Otis: [drinking a bottle of Coca-Cola] You think the Easter Bunny’s gonna send us some Easter eggs, Rowena?

Rowena: There ain’t no Easter Bunny, Otis. That was Mama that always brang them Easter baskets, but now that she’s run off with that truck driver, we ain’t ever gonna have Easter again.

[Mr. Toole, Otis and Rowena’s father walks in, wearing only a pair of overalls and a backwards baseball cap and holding a beer]

Mr. Toole: What’re you kids doing up? Otis! You ain’t supposed to drink no Coke at night! That’s your breakfast!

Otis: Sorry, Papa. [sets the beverage on a nightstand]

Mr. Toole: Now, shut up and go to sleep! [shuts door]

[Otis and Rowena quickly fall asleep. Hanukkah Harry clumsily stumbles in through the window.]

Hanukkah Harry: Oy!

Elijah: Gott im Himmel. People live like this?

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, shush!

[The teens wake up]

Otis: Who are you?

Hanukkah Harry: Oh, hello, boys and girls, I’m Hanukkah Harry! I’m sort of filling in for the Easter Bunny, along with my good friend here, the prophet Elijah. [points at his invisible companion]

Otis: Who?

Hanukkah Harry: He, well, uh, never mind.

[Focus on the Coke bottle, which magically empties as Elijah sips it]

Otis: You brought us an Easter basket! [He and Rowena approach Hanukkah Harry]

Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes. Look what I have for you, delicious treats. Some macaroons [hands them to the kids, who look at each other in disappointment] and some chocolate colored matzah [kids frowningly shrug] and look, a nut cup with filberts. Can you believe it?

[Mr. Toole opens the door again]

Mr. Toole: I thought I told you kids to shut…what the hell?

Rowena: [embraces Mr. Toole] Daddy, Daddy, this is Hanukkah Harry, he’s helping us celebrate Easter.

Mr. Toole: Shut up, Rowena. I got eyes. I can see what we got here [takes a shotgun off his gun rack and points it at Hanukkah Harry], we got us a Jew boy breaking and entering!

Hanukkah Harry: [holds up his arms] Please, Mr. Toole, allow me to explain. You see, I was at my nephew’s seder, Ira, and uh…

Mr. Toole: Shut your trap…

Hanukkah Harry: No, hold on…

Mr. Toole: If I was you, I’d get down on my hands and knees and pray to your Jew God, ‘cuz I’m gonna plug you so full of holes… [suddenly trips as his gun is taken away by the invisible Elijah] Huh? [Elijah hits Mr. Toole multiple times, knocking him out]

Otis: Gee whiz!

Rowena: How’d you do that, Hanukkah Harry?

Hanukkah Harry: Well, uh, let’s just say the Israeli military is getting very sophisticated.

Otis: Wait, Papa’s coming to!

Hanukkah Harry: Are you okay, Mr. Toole?

Mr. Toole: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Maybe being whupped by a Jew is the best thing ever happened to me. Makes me challenge a lot of my preconceptions, rethink my entire value system. Maybe Jews are just like everyone else, and maybe that Jew social worker from the county’s right, maybe I should stop whuppin’ my kids, get us into some family therapy, so’s I don’t lose the one thing I love in life, my kids. [bursts into tears]

Kids: We love you, Papa!

Mr. Toole: Thank you, Hanukkah Harry, thanks for the greatest Easter gift of all, the gift of rebirth.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, don’t thank me, thank Elijah.

[Mr. Toole’s beer floats in the air]

Mr. Toole: My beer! [Elijah takes a sip and sets it next to the gun rack]

[Everyone laughs]

[Fade out to see the globe with both Harry’s cart and a second disembodied cart in flight]

Hanukkah Harry: On Moishe! On Herschel! On Shlomo! Happy Passover everyone, and happy Easter!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

SNL Transcripts

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