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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Chevy CHase
…..Laraine Newman
…..Al Franken
…..John Belushi
Emily Litella…..Gilda Radner
…..Garrett Morris

Jane Curtin: Still to come: [ image: Sphinx statue ] Leon Spinx wins the heavyweight title. This and other stories on “Weekend Update”, next.

[ dissolve to black ]

[ open on Weekend Update set ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Pussywhip. Pussywhip, the first dessert topping for cats. Here are co-anchorpersons Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin.

Dan Aykroyd: I will be Dan Aykroyd.

Jane Curtin: And I am Jane Curtin.

Our top story tonight: More details on that H.R. “Bob” Haldeman book, “The Ends of Power”: Nixon stealing silverware, Nixon smearing oatmeal on his laps, Nixon killing a Cuban busboy, and a sad, embittered Nixon barking like a dog and sleeping in packing crates.

Haldeman expects the book to gross millions, and plans to use the money to reshape the top of his head, which currently looks like a putting green.

And in another story from Washington: Democratic congressman Daniel Flood, of Pennsylvania, being investigated for influence peddling, announced this week that he will enter Walter Reed Hospital next month, for surgery to have the mice removed from his nostrils.

Dan Aykroyd: [ he coughs into his hand ] Excuse me. Uh —

Well, what looks like a monumental breakthrough in birth control is being tested at Harvard Medical School. Payimg heed to the adverse effects of the pill, doctors are now experimenting with a modified version of the popular Rhythm Method. The new practice, tentatively referred to as the Rhythm and Blues Method, is a variation which involves coitus in the presence of B.B. King, Otis Redding, Wilson Pickett and Jr. Walker & The All-Stars.

Well, Billy Carter has bought a partnership in a weekly newspaper — The Plains Statesman. And, according to the Associated Press, the agreement was unpretentiously recorded on a simple brown paper bag. Afterwards, Billy celebrated the occasion in typical fashion by drinking a keg of beer and then throwing up into the agreeement.

Drain water and toilet bowl water, which up until now has swirled clockwise in countries located above the Equator, will now swirl counterclockwise. Scientists explain this is a result of the acquisition of western plumbing by more of the undeveloped nations below the Equator. They also warn that if this phenomenon isn’t accounted for in the southern hemisphere, the Earth will develop a wobble, throwing many pedestrians and cars into buildings, and the North Pole will slip down to St. Louis.

[ Dan’s desk phone rings ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh… Aykroyd.

Voice: Long distance calling Dan Aykroyd. Is he there, please?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes? Go ahead. [ he shrugs to Jane ]

Voice: Mr. Aykroyd, there has been a…

Dan Aykroyd: What?

Voice: …Accident involving… mother’s very ill…

Dan Aykroyd: What?!

Voice: Uh, seriously…

Dan Aykroyd: An accident? My mother?! What?!

Voice: You’d better come here quick. She’s asking for you…

Dan Aykroyd: Okay, I’ll be right there! [ he hangs up ] I gotta split…

Jane Curtin: Oh, my God, I’m…

Dan Aykroyd: I don’t know what, uh…

Jane Curtin: It’s okay!

Dan Aykroyd: I have to! I really have to go… This is a family matter…

Jane Curtin: It’s okay, don’t worry about it…

Dan Aykroyd: [ running off-set ] CAN I GET A CAR WAITING FOR ME?!! QUICKLY!!

Jane Curtin: I’LL TAKE CARE OF IT, DAN! [ she faces the camera and smiles nervously ] I’m awfully sorry if anyone has any trouble in their family, but the show… must go on.

Tragedy struck in Fort Lauderdale, Florida this week, when the entire New York Yankee ball team was feeled and paralyzed by what was at first believed to be nerve gas coming from a nearby medical research base. It was later discovered that the gas was actually the late Babe Ruth’s breath, which had been trapped in a locker for years and had somehow leaked out onto the field.

[ reveal Chevy Chase suddenly sitting in Dan’s seat ]

[ the audience whoops and cheers, including one man who yells: “Alright!” ]

Chevy Chase: Just thought I’d… help out in a tragedy of that nature.

[ Chevy stares into the camera, then adjusts his position when the camera switches over to the Chroma-key view ]

Unaware that this picture was taken earlier this month, President Carter and French President ?? were distubed by rumors that they had leaked details of this meeting. Later, the rumors were eliminated, and the two presidents greatly releived.

In the world of horse racing, there’s still great speculation as to whether or not Seattle Slew will race again, or just be put out to stud. Meadow Muffin Farms, the syndicate that owns Seattle Slew, is still undecided. But when asked to comment, the former Triple Crown winner said: “You mean I have a choice, Wilbur?? I need a filly! I’m going blind from using my own hooves!”

Chevy Chase: Well, the 11-week United Mine Workers strike continues, and its effect is being felt in layoffs in the coal-dependent Midwest. But, of course, some of the hardest hit by the strike are the miners themselves. Laraine Newman is in Campbell Creek, West Virginia with this report. Laraine?

[ cut to Laraine Newman standing outside of a coal mine ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy. Coal mining. A dirty job. A dangerous job. Every year, scores of miners are KILLED in mining accidents. Those who survive to work long years often develop Black Lung Disease, as well as permanently dirty fingernails. [ a coal miner appears next to Laraine ] I’m standing with Ray Floyd, who has worked in the mines for over 20 years. Mr. Floyd, what’s holding up a settlement? Is it simply a matter of more money?

Ray Floyd: Uh… [ he coughs ] No., um… [ he coughs ] Uh, we want, uh, to keep the right to strike, so that we can get, uh… [ he coughs into his hand, spitting out a light sprinkling of black smoke ] Uh… a stricter enforcement of the, uh… [ he coughs into his hand, emitting more black smoke ]

Laraine Newman: Is it safety regulations? Safety?

Ray Floyd: [ he nods, then coughs more black smoke into his hand ] That’s right, um… And, uh, we want the Union Health Fund, uh… [ he coughs more black smoke ] to be totally reinstated, and, uh… a guarantee… [ he coughs much more black smoke through his hands ] by the… by the, uh… [ he coughs more black smoke ]

Laraine Newman: The union leadership?

[ he shakes his head No ]

Laraine Newman: Uh… federal government?

[ he shakes his head No ]

Laraine Newman: Oh… uh… How about the coal companies?

[ he shakes his head Yes ]

Laraine Newman: Oh, okay! Well, thank you, Mr. Floyd. Now back to our studio.

[ return to Chevy Chase ]

Chevy Chase: George Anderson, of the Toronto Institute for Animal Genetics, has succeeded in breeding a dog with a wastebasket for a head. Anderson said he’s now working on a cat shaped like a wad of paper, and hopes to market the pair as an inexpensive parlor game.

[ image: a morose clown ] Well… Bert Lance.

Jane Curtin: The FBI-CIA softball game — [ suddenly, her desk phone rings ] Excuse me. [ she picks up the phone ] Hello?

Voice: Miss Curtin — Long-distance calling, please.

Jane Curtin: Uh — Yes, this is Miss Curtin.

Voice: A horrible accident involving your mother… in New York State.

[ cut to long shot, revealing Chevy Chase on the other phone, holding his nose as he speaks into the receiver. He notices the camera focused on him, and slowly turns to Jane ]

Chevy Chase: It’s for you.

[ they both hang up ]

Jane Curtin: Nice try, Sparky!

Well, Father Time finally caught up with a tired, 68-year old Mohammed Ali last week, who lost a split decision to Leon Spinx, one of the UGLIEST heavyweight champs to come along in a long time.

After the fight on Wednesday, Spinx announced that he was a member of the Black Muslims and he no longer wants to be called by his Slave name of Leon spinx, and instead has adopted his Islamic name of Scarlett O’Hara.

Jane Curtin: Now, to give us his view on the title fight and a close look at the career of Mohammed Ali, is correspondent John Belushi. John?

John Belushi: Thank you, Jane. [ reading ] When the young light heavyweight, Cassius Clay, won the gold medal in Rome, it was a springboard for a career that included 57 fights with only 3 losses. This week, Ali lost for the third time in his career. In a 15-round split decision, Mohammed Ali lost the heavyweight championship to Leon Spinx. It was a brutal fight. By the end, Ali had no jabs. But, let’s face it — Spinx was damn lucky. Luckier than Norton, Shavers, and Jimmy Young, who all gave him a good fight. But, I mean — If you’re gonna beat the champion, you should beat him! You should knock him out, you should beat him up! You know, that’s what you should do. So I think he should… They’ll probably fight very soon. But when I think back — back to the Thrilla in Manila… the Zaire fight, which I saw on the big screen. It was the, uh… Manhattan Center, downtown across from the Garden. You wouldn’t believe it, it was a HUGE screen. We had to be let in the back door. I was with Brian Doyle Murray — Bill’s brother. We were trying to get in the back — There was this BLACK GANG that was terrorizing the place. They opened the door, we got HIT! You know. And them in the theater — Everybody started screaming and yelling, you know? Because they’re throwing chairs. You know? Because there was no picture. There was no picture! And I could have been hurt!

I mean, I’ve been in a few fights in my life, you know? [ he laughs ] I mean, I was in a bar one time, and, uh… I was just drinking, and, uh… this guy come up to me, taps me on the shoulder and says, “John?” I said, “Yes?” He says, “Somebody’s out there beating up your roommate.” You know? So I said, “Okay.” So I go outside, you know? And there’s my roommate — There’s Steve Bushakas out there with a big black eye. Okay? And two of my other friends — Tino and Jim — they’re out there, and they’re holding their noses. Blood’s coming out of their noses! So I turn around, I look, and there’s the BIGGEST guy I’ve ever seen in my life! You know? And he’s standing there like this, you know? [ he starts bouncing back and forth like a boxer ] So I said, “Hey! What’s going on?” I’m a little drunk, okay? And he says, “What’s it to ya’?!” Well! You know. Well, it turns out it was a fight over a girl’s purse or something — it’s always about soem girl… So I said, Look –” [ Jane taps him on the shoulder ] Wait a minute, wait! So I said, “Look! Hey, man — You think you’re real tough or something, huh? Yuo think you’re TOUGH?! Come on, man!!” And he beat me BLOODY, ’til my ears were bleeding like that. I could have stayed in the bar! But, nooooooooo!!! “Come out and help Steeeeeve, my friiiiiiiend!” He smashed me, he hit me! He PUNCHED me! He punched me in my face like it was a beanbag! You’re gonna take it, you’re gonna hear it rattle!!

But I think Ali WILL come back. I don’t think 36 is too old. You know, Ali can lose 20 pounds. 20 pounds! Get down to 204, you know, the wau they he fought Liston — He could do it! Weight loss is just a matter of self-discipline, doing soem running, some working out… If I’d lost 20 pounds, I might have taken that guy in the bar! Who knows, right? But you GOTTA be able to defend yourself! Everybody should be able to defend themself! Even women! ESPECIALLY, you women oughtta be able to defend yourself! Yuo know — with karate or keys in the fist, you know? Whatever you want! I mean, can you defend yourself, Jane? Do you know how to defend yourself, if someone were to JACK you?!

[ Jane stammers nervously in response ]

John Belushi: Alright, let’s just see! [ he grabs soem boxing gloves below the news desk ] Alright, this is just for your own protection. [ he puts on one of the gloves ] Alright, now if somebody comes up to you on the stret, say… Yuo kind of walk in, you’re kind of cool, you know you’re groovy-looking… So this guy comes up to you and says, “Hey, baby, come on, hey!” [ he jabs Jane playfully with the glove ] Come on, hit me! Hit me, come on!

Jane Curtin: I don’t want to hit you… I really son’t want to hit you…

John Belushi: Come on, come on…!

[ Jane resists, but John continues to egg her on and finally pounces her to the floor with his boxing gloves ]

John Belushi: Okay, it’s all yours, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Well, the Winter situation in New York, the Great Lakes area, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New England states…

[ Emily Litella wanders in ]

Emily Litella: Chedder! Chedder Cheese! Chedder, I miss you!

Chevy Chase: [ pleased to see her ] How are you, Emily?

Emily Litella: Oh, kiss me on the lips! [ he kisses her ] Ohhhh, Chedder, I’ve missed you so much!

Chevy Chase: Are you doing okay, Emily?

Emily Litella: Oh, yes! Yes, but you know… I’m fine, but I haven’t been able to get much work lately.

Chevy Chase: Well, why not? What’s the matter?

Emily Litella: Well… Miss Clayotn doesn’t like me on the news! She says I’m irresponsible, and she keeps yelling at me whenever I make a little, teeny-tiny, little mistake!

Chevy Chase: Oh, I cannot believe that Jane Clayton is like that.

Emily Litella: Ohhhh, well, don’t be fooled by her, Chedder. I mean, that girl is Mussolini IN DRAG!! Really! She gets me SO riled, I get SO upset, I can’t believe it!

[ Jane stands up behind them, greatly annoyed at the sight of Emily Litella ]

Jane Curtin: YOU!! First, I get SLUGGED by Belushi… now, I gotta deal with YOU!! Just get out of here, will ya’, come on! [ Emily starts to laugh ] I said, SCRAM!! BEAT IT!! GET OUT OF HERE!!

Emily Litella: Oh, Miss Clayton! [ she keeps laughing ]

Jane Curtin: What’s so funny?

Emily Litella: Miss Clayton, you look like HELL!

Jane Curtin: That’s not funny!

Emily Litella: Well, uh… [ to Chevy ] I told you she couldn’t take a joke.

Chevy Chase: Take it easy, Jane. Don’t be so rough on her.

Jane Curtin: DON’T tell me how to act, DAMMIT!! This is MY news show now!! I’M the STAR of it!! YOU left, I took over and brought some INTEGRITY to it!! None of your schoolboy cuteness, mugging into the camera, talking like Mr. Ed…!

[ as Jane rants, Chevy makes his funny mocking faces to the camera ]

Jane Curtin: I’ve given this show CREDIBILITY!! I’ve given it STRAIGHTFORWARD, INFORMATIVE news!!

Emily Litella: But, Miss Clayton, I — I —

Jane Curtin: SHUT UP, you FEEB! [ to Chevy ] So what do YOU do?! Yuo come back, you give Danny soem story about his mother dying, try to pull the same thing on me, jsut to take over so you can satisfy your inflated ego! Well, go back to Hollywood and do it, ’cause it WON’T work here! This is MY show, and I WON’T be pushed around by Belushi, or YOU, or HER!! Am I making myself clear?

Emily Litella: Crystal clear, Miss Curtin. We’re sorry.

Chevy Chase: We are sorry, Jane. I didn’t mean to aggravate you like this, uh… I guess I just wanted to do “Update” one last time, and, uh… I’m sorry. It got carried away. Sorry.

Emily Litella: It won’t happen again!

Jane Curtin: [ pleased ] Well, see that it doesn’t.

[ Jane walks away ]

Emily Litella: On your mark… get set… GO!

Together: BITCH!!

[ Chevy kisses Emily goodbye as she rolls away ]

Chevy Chase: And now as a public service to those of our viewers who may be… oh, hard of hearing, I will reteat — pee, pee, pee! Pee pee pee, kaka! I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Assistant Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing — Mr. Garrett Morris. “Our to story tonight…”

[ Garrett appears in an insert over Chevy’s shoulder ]

Garrett Morris: OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!

Chevy Chase: “Haldeman says Nixon stole silverware…”

Garrett Morris: HALDEMAN SAYS NIXON STOLE SILVERWARE!!

Chevy Chase: “Smeared oatmeal on his lapels…”

Garrett Morris: SMEARED OATMEAL ON HIS LAPELS!!

Chevy Chase: “Killed a Cuban busboy…”

Garrett Morris: KILLED A CUBAN BUSBOY!!

Chevy Chase: “And slept in packing crates.”

Garrett Morris: AND SLEPT IN PARKING CRATES!! Crates?

Chevy Chase: That’s the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Garrett Morris: GOOD NIGHT!! AND HAVE A pleasant… evening?

Chevy Chase: “Tomorrow.”

Garrett Morris: Tomorrow.

[ cut to Chevy sitting beside the Chromakey screen ]

Announcer: This portion of “Weekend Update” has been brought to you by Dis-O-Dent, the toothpaste preferred by the radical left.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Sermonette

The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S……Chevy Chase

Announcer: And now, as we come to the end of another broadcast day… we offer you these words of inspiration. Tonight’s message is from the Church of Confusion. Our Sermonette this evening will be delivered by his Confused Holiness, the Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.

[ dissolve to His Holiness at the pulpit ]

The Most Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein, D.D.S.: Good afternoon! And thank you, Father-in-Law… for guiding us through another day. As the prophet Lao said at the bottom of the mountain when he first saw the first glimmer of the haze of confusion: “Baruka taw alouit et jean tia… Caveat emptor. Eat the wafer, Maria. Hi. How are you? Ohmmmmmmm…” And thee confused deity speaketh under Krishna. He said, “Bill. E pluribus unum, and Troy, there lies the scene. Close cover before striking. Please keep your feet off the jumpseat. Bhagavad Gita. Amen. And, Bill? Understood!” You see: He, too, is confused.

Fellow, Confuseds, we must reaffirm our confusion every day. Zeus loves you! He loves allllll Mormons. [ singing ] “Rooooooock of ages! Take my wiiiiiiife!” Prepare to drink from the kiddish cup. For as God giveth… he also giveth. I’m reminded this ash of the story called “Bow to the Koran and the Anal Annex of Confucius.” About a man who wandered aimlessly throughout his… life and this story, for 40 days and 50 nights… when he came upon a clearing. Before him were five roads. Five roads not taken, and MILES to go before they slept! Now, he was truly confused. “Which road should I take?” It was a rhetorical question, for the traveler knew nor where he was going, but not where he had come from. But then, a sign appeared before him. A sign from above. A star rose in the heavens. The wind howled from the west. The Red Sea parted. A pyramid fell, and a baby cried. And… ANOTHER sign! Like THUNDER! A small foreign car exploded, and… the traveler knew that he could no longer be driven out of the Promised Land. Bless you.

And, finally: The traveler came upon a giant footprint that he found… and he spaketh that this truly MUST be… the hand of God. And he was confuseth. He went to the foot of the mountain, and he cried, “Confused at last! Confused at last! Lou! LOu, Mr. Fields wants the rent!” We are confused at last.

And, so: As we prepare to meet another day… [he makes a series fo lewd hand gestures ] In closing, I would like to read from… well… Leviticus 1, Chapter 4, Jackson 5… [ he opens his gospel and reads ] “Take, eat. This is my body. How do you like it?” [ he closes his gospel ] So, in closing: May your trauma be fine, when combined with a conscientiously-applied program of oral hygeine and regular dental care. Amen. Good night. Hello!

[ dissolve to an audience wide shot, zoom in on a happy woman, with SUPER: “Plannig Tomorrow’s Breakfast” ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

No Funny Ending

Old Woman #1…..Laraine Newman
Old Woman #2…..Gilda Radner
Old Woman #3…..Jane Curtin
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Rod Serling…..Dan Aykroyd
Truman Capote…..John Belushi
Director…..Bill Murray
Archbishop of Canterbury…..Garrett Morris

[ open on three elderly ladies sitting around a kitchen table ]

Old Woman #1: Look! Here’s our “Charlie’s Angels” on the cover of TV Guide!

Old Woman #2: Oooooh, lovely girl, that Cheryl Ladd!

Old Woman #3: Lovely hair!

Old Woman #1: Lovely. Mind you, I don’t paricularly fancy Kate’s hair.

Old Woman #3: But do you supose Sharon next to Jacqueline and Cheryl’s hair?

Old Woman #2: I don’t see the both of them beating down YOUR door, now do I? Besides, Kate’s hair can ACT!

Old Woman #1: Well… I miss Farrah’s hair. It had so much body.

Old Woman #3: Farrah’s hair had more body than her body.

Old Woman #2: Anyway, none of them ever had the mange — knock on wood!

[ she taps on the tabletop ]

Old Woman #3: Mark my words: One day they’ll catch their death of cold, running after criminals with their ninnies jumping out of their t-shirts.

Old Woman #1: Mmm, they ought to wrap up more.

Old Woman #2: Yes! It’s not decent!

Old Woman #3: Mmm-mmm.

Old Woman #2: Lovely girls, though.

Old Woman #1: Lovely t-shirts.

Old Woman #3: Lovely ninnies.

Old Woman #1: Lovely.

[ a knock at the door ]

Old Woman #2: Who is it? Come on in!

[ Chevy Chase enters ]

Chevy Chase: Hey, girls? We’re running a bit late. It’s a very cute bit, but —

Old Woman #2: Look, look, look! It’s our son… Nigel!

The Women: Nigel, Nigel, Nigel…!!

Chevy Chase: Girls, you want to wind this up? I have a long speech prepared for the ending, and this thing is getting that way. If you don’t mind, I’m a little concerned that —

Gilda Radner: Go away, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: From a guy who’s had his own special, this piece is going nowhere. You know what I mean? No finish.

Gilda Radner: Chevy, would you go away!

Chevy Chase: Have you got a finish? An ending?

Gilda Radner: Yes! Garrett comes in as the Archbishop of Canterbury, and we hit him with our purses! It’s a real funny ending.

Chevy Chase: I don’t think that ending’s gonna work. It’s strange, and, uh… I came out here, you know? And I had a funny ending for you… and now, I don’t know what happened. I know I’m here. It’s almost like there’s no way out of this scene. I — I —

[ “Twilight Zone” theme pots up, as the camera pans off the set into a dark area of the stage where Rod Serling sits ]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Four performers trapped in a scene without an ending. What do they resort to? They resort to me, a man with no lip but an imagination that unlocks doors. Hoping I’ll bail them out with this cheap Rod Serling impression, to give this scene an ending in… “The Twilight Zone.”

[ dissolve to “Twilite Zone” card with accompanying music sting ]

[ cut to that image on a TV screen, as the camera pans across the stage to reveal Truman Capote ]

Truman Capote: Well, isn’t that marvelous! I love Rod Serling, I think he’s wonderful. He’s so much like Parandel — I love the little TWIST to the story. I think that what we’ve seen here, uh, proves decisively that head humor is not dead. Well, this wraps up another episode of “Belushi’s Capote Might Be The Ending We’re Looking For”.

[ camera pulls back to reveal that Capote isn’t wearing pants ]

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut, cut, cut!

[ reveal full stage, as the Director storms in ]

Director: John, baby, I’m sorry! Capote was beautiful, it was terrific! You were great! But you’re NOT wearing any PANTS, dude!

John Belushi: That’s the ending. That’s the funny ending, man. I don’t have any pants on. It’s kind of English, you know what I mean? It’s just that, you know, we’re almost out of the scene.

Director: Well, John, that is the kind of experimental stuff you can do on our own program. Alright? I’m sorry, but I CAN’T live with those legs! It is a WRAP on the underwear look, okay? [ looking offstage ] Wardrobe! Get in here!

[ the three elderly women rush into the sceen with a pair pants and chatter wildly as they brush Belushi’s face with a short broom ]

John Belushi: Wait a minute… wait a minute… Hey! Come on! Are you a bunch of total lame-os? What’s going on here? There is no ending to this scene! The scene has NO ending! There’s only ONE way out of this scene, and that’s to have a heart att–

[ suddenly, Belushi drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Director: Alright, smooth move, John. Heart attack. Great! Now, I’m gonna have to catch you girls later —

[ suddenly, Murray drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Gilda Radner: Boy, that’s real great for the guys, but women have a lower rate of —

[ suddenly, Gilda drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Laraine Newman: Oh, noooo… You guys aren’t going to sleaze out of this scene, I’m —

[ suddenly, Laraine drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

Jane Curtin: And now, a film by Gary waaa–!!

[ suddenly, Jane drops to the floor, a victim of a fake heart attack ]

[ the doorbell rings ]

Voice: Uh — Mrs. Folla– Follaten?

[ super: “JAWS V” ]

[ Gilda jumps up to answer the door ]

Gilda Radner: Who is it?

Voice: Mrs. Arlllllles…?

Gilda Radner: What?

Voice: Mrs… Or — Orphlewaite…?

[ Laraine stands and approaches the door ]

Laraine Newman: There’s no “Mrs. Orphlewaite” here! What do you want?

Voice: Candygram.

Gilda Radner: We’re on diets! Go away!

[ Jane stands and approaches the door ]

Voice: Um… your limosine is ready, Ma’am…

Jane Curtin: We didn’t order any limosine!

Voice: Um… funny ending for a scene, Ma’am…

Girls: [ excited ] COME ON IN!!!

[ they open the door, as the Land Shark pokes his head in and drags them into the hall ]

[ SUPER: “THE END?” ]

[ dissolve to kitchen setting, as Garrett Morris, dressed as the Archbishop of Canterbury, finally rushes in ]

Garrett Morris: Heyyyyyyyyyy….? [ to the camera ] What’s happening? I guess I’m a little late, huh? Because there was supposed to be some white folks back here. So, I guess I’ll just… [ as he dances ] “Shuffle off to Buffalo…! Shuffle off to Buaffalo…! Shuffle off to Buffalo…!” [ he exits the room, then reopens the door and does his Poeky Pig impression ] That’s all, folks! [ he closes the door ]

[ Chevy, in his Land Shark head, rushes into the scene ]

Chevey Chase: Well, good night, everybody!

[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Member of Audience on Camera” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Chevy Chase’s Monologue

…..Chevy Chase
…..Al Siegal

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Chevy Chase!

Chevy Chase: Thank you! Thank you very much! I can’t believe this. It’s been over a year since I’ve been gone, and, uh… I really miss the show. I’ll tell you one thing I’ve missed more than anything — [ he checks to make sure his zipper is pulled up ] Quite seriously — And that is the applause. I miss that more than anything. [ the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you!

I just want to say that my friends and the people who put on “Saturday Night” — even since I’ve been gone, before or after — still put on the BEST damn comedy show on the air. [ the audience applauds ] I thank you — I thank YOU on their behalf. I do.

I must say, it’s great to be back in this town, and I think, you know, let’s be honest — New York’s the greatest city in the world, isn’t it? [ the audience applauds ]

You know, uh — This trip, I’ve been spending a lot of time in Brooklyn. [ the audience whoops ]

Yesterday — I don’t know — in Los Angeles, they don’t have very many delicatessans, you know? THey don’t have Negroes. They have nothing, you know? But I spent a lot of time yesterday, uh, at a little delicatessan in Queens. [ the audience applauds ] Queens?

Of course, there’s no place more exciting than Manhattan to me. [ the audience applauds ] Manhattan is… unless, of course, that place is Queens. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

I — I think that it’s very hard to express how I feel in words, and, uh… [ he turns to look at the band ] Well, if it’s alright with you, I’d just like to sing a short note. [ band member pounds a note on the piano ] The band!

[ singing ]
“The more I seeeeeee
The more I want you.
Somehow, this feeling
Just grows.”

Thank you. How about that band, huh?

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

You know, it’s been a…

[ the band keeps playing, until Chevy runs back to tell Howard Shore to stop ]

What a week! Not just for me. I guess we found a real-life “Rocky” in that Leon Spinks, huh?

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

He deserves a lot of credit. He really does. But I don’t want to take anything away from, I think, the greatest heavyweight champion of ALL time — no question about it — Mohammed Ali.

[ the audience applauds even more wildly ]

How about thay Muriel Humphrey? Huh? [ the audience applauds wirh slight amusement ] Absolutely.

Haldeman’s book’s coming out… Even more dirt about Watergate. I don’t know how you feel. Don’t you think Nixon’s suffered a much? [ he shugs ] Enough? Much too much? [ low response; someone in the audience cries “No!” ] He hasn’t suffered enough, has he? [ the audience applauds wildly ] They should have put him in JAIL, right?! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah! And Agnew, TOO, right?! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yeah!

You know what I really love about your applause, is its sponteneity. [ the audience laughs ] That’s kind of what live TV’s about — great live television. It seems spotaneous. Uh, but you see, it really isn’t. Every word is, uh, written out and put on cue cards. It’s true! I’ll show you. [ calling ] Al? Could you give me a card? See, this is really the illusion of spontaneity.

[ Al Siegal hands Chevy a cue card, which Chevy holds up to reveal the words:

“Al, could you give me a
card?
See, this is really the
illusion of spontaneity.” ]

Chevy Chase: Thanks, Al! [ he hands the cue card back ] Uh… Give me the next card. By the way, Al? Come on up here, Al.

[ Al Siegal joins Chevy on stage, as the audience applauds wildly ]

Chevy Chase: This is Al Seigal, our cue card man. He’s done a great job, he’s got a lot to do, a lot of work… Incidentally, you’ve been a great audience. I think you all owe yourselves a round of applause. Please.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

[ Al hands Chevy the last cue card and steps down from the stage ]

Chevy Chase: [ he holds up the cue card that reads: ] We’ll be right back after this message.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Goodnights

…..Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: Um… It was very much fun to be back. Good night, everybody. Thank you very much.

[ he starts playing the piano, as Bill Murray appears in the background and stalks about ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

A Former President Speaks to the Nation

Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase
Betty Ford…..Jane Curtin

Announcer: [ over title card ] “The Little House on the Prairie Burns to the Ground” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.

[ fade to black ]

[ fade up to presidential card ]

Announcer: And now, in response to Ronald Reagan’s address on the Panama Canal issue, here is former President of the United States Gerald R. Ford.

[ dissolve to Ford sitting nexto an endtable ]

Gerald R. Ford: Hello, my fellow North Americans. It feels good to see you again. I have not ssssssssseen you…? I have not seen you or addressed the nation since my last time… being President. Tonight, I wish toooooooo… urge the ratification by Congress of the… Suez Canal… Treaty. I feel that we shouldn’t turn over the canal to our tiny little neighbors to the south of Panamites…

[ suddenly, the phone rings ]

Gerald R. Ford: Excuse me. [ he picks up a glass of water and splashes it to his ear ] Hello! [ he puts down the glass and picks up the phone ] Hello?

Voice of Betty Ford: Honey? It’s soup now.

Gerald R. Ford: Thank you, Betty. I’m on television now.

Voice of Betty Ford: Oh, I’m sorry.

Gerald R. Ford: Oh, that’s okay. Bring it down. You know how I am when it’s soup, I’m on the go.

Voice of Betty Ford: Okay.

[ he hangs up the phone onto the water carafe ]

Gerald R. Ford: You know… [ he looks to the side ] Liberty? Sit. [ he looks around for Liberty, then stretches across his chair ] Every administration sicne Lyndon Johnson has been in favor of this treaty. [ counting on his fingers ] I would say that was Johnson, Nixon, Carter… me. That’s three. Three-and-a-half, if you count me.

[ Betty ambles forward with his soup ]

Gerald R. Ford: Oh, Betty!

[ Gerald attempts to grab the bowl of soup, but first ends up with only the saucer in his hand ]

Betty Ford: Now, hurry up and eat your soup, dear, because if you don’t eat it quick, it turns into a cup of nasty chemicals. [ to the camera ] And since I’m here, I’d like to say Hello and reiterate my support of the ERA. Thank you. [ she walks away ]

Gerald R. Ford: Thank you, Ron. I’m sure all the ERAs will be appreciativitive… Now, many people are confused about the Suez Canal, and well might they be. Let’s look at a map, shall we? [ he turns to sip his soup, then finally stands and stumbles his way toward a map of North and South America ] Before there was a Suez Canal… if you happen to have a boat, or were on a boat, and wanted to get from Washington, D.C. to San Francisco, you had to kind of do this: [ he traces a route along the waters with his pen, going all the way around South America and back to the western side of North America ] A very long way and down and around the Cape of Good Horn… and up and through… This was not easy. Now, you would have been so surprised, unhappy you had not seen the canal. We’ve changed that. Let’s take a look, shall we? Now, if we want to get to California… we simply coem down around here the same way, to the canal… [ he traces the same route, accidentally going past the canal and having to scratch out his error ] On the west coast of the ?? River… [ he traces through the canal, then accidentally traces along the southeast side of South America before scratching out this error as well ] If we can have just another glimpse of the new map… [ he picks up the map, nearly tripping over the easel ] Almost went! [ he then loses his grip of the map and trips over the endtable, sliding into his chair, then tumbling over the endtable in the other direction and entangling himself within the lamp and phone ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Baggage Inspection Counter

Supervisor…..Dan Aykroyd
Trainee…..Chevy Chase
Priest…..Andy Murphy
Black Man…..Garrett Morris
Male Smuggler…..John Belushi
Female Smuggler…..Laraine Newman
Fake Priest…..Bill Murray
Black Woman…..Yvonne Hudson

[ open on Baggage Inspection ]

Supervisor: Alright. U.S. citizens, Line 7, 8 and 9. [ to Trainee ] Okay, this is Flight 419 from La Paz, Bolivia. Now, a flight from La Paz will very likely have someone on board who thinks they can tromple on the law and sneal through United States Customs with illegal narcotics, such as cocaine or marijuana. Some are gonna try to come in without paying the import tax on foreign purhcases, like art, jewelry and clothes.

Trainee: Yes, sir. [ to Priest ] May I see your passport, please?

Supervisor: It’s alright, Father, go right ahead.

Trainee: That’s alright, Father, go right ahead.

Supervisor: Don’t waste your time. It’s obvious he’s a real priest. After a couple of months on this job, you get so you can spot smugglers as soon as they step off the plane. For instance, rule of thumb: always check black people! A lady with a kid – they’re allowed to go by, don’t waste your time. A young couple, another rule of thumb; young couples, check! Okay. Here, watch me. [ demonstrates on Black Man ] May I see your passport and re-entry declaration, please?

Black Man: Yeah.

Supervisor: Alright. Would you open your luggage, please?

Black Man: Yep. [ opens luggage ]

Supervisor: [ investigates luggage ] Alright.. do you have any animal or vegetable matter?

Black Man: Oh.. no.. no.

Supervisor: [ digs further into the luggage ] I don’t believe you declared this, sir! A marijuana seed! I’m afraid we’re gonna have to submit you to a personal search!

Black Man: Uh.. I gotta go to the bathroom..

Supervisor: No, you don’t go anywhere, sir!

[ wrestles Black Man to the ground ]

Supervisor: Okay, I’ll take care of this guy, and.. Whitfield, you carry on here. [ exits ]

Trainee: Yes, sir. [ to the line ] Uh.. next, please. Uh, you can go right ahead.

Male Smuggler: Hi! Boy, is it great to be back in America! [ laughs nervously ]

Female Smuggler: If I don’t sit down, I’m afraid I’m gonna have a miscarriage!

Trainee: May I see your passports, please, and re-entry declaration?

Male Smuggler: Oh.. sure, of course.. my pleasure.. Are the, uh, contractions getting closer, honey?

Female Smuggler: Don’t worry about me.. I’ll be alright as soon as we can get out of here, and I can find a place to lie down..

Trainee: Uh.. you want to open your luggage, please, sir.

Male Smuggler: Huh?

Trainee: You want to open your luggage, please, sir? Right up here.

Male Smuggler: [ relunctant ] O-pennn.. the suitcase?

Trainee: Yeah. Please.

Male Smuggler: Oh. Okay. Uh.. sure, okay.. here we go.. Okay. [ puts suitcase on the counter ] You know, a lot of people are in line here..

Trainee: Yeah. Sir, I’m gonna have to inspect your luggage.

Male Smuggler: Okay. I mean, is this like normal, I mean, you know, hey, wait a minute, I didn’t expect this..

Trainee: Please relax, sir..

Male Smuggler: The two people ahead of me didn’t do it, you know? Why me, man? I mean, why me?

Trainee: Later, we’ll simply give you a- Let me give you one of these right now. [ tears paper ] It’s a “Why Me?”, it explains why the Supreme Court has allowed us to inspect your luggage. It’s for your own protection. Please, just relax.

Male Smuggler: [ breathing heavy in anticipation ]

[ Trainee opens the luggage, which is packed with white powder; Male Smuggler backs away ]

Trainee: Hold it right there, fella!

Male Smuggler: Huh?

Trainee: [ pulls out shirt from underneath the white powder ] Where’d you buy this shirt?

Male Smuggler: I got it.. at Taylor-Robbins.

Trainee: Taylor-Robbins?

Male Smuggler: Yeah.

Trainee: O-kay..

Male Smuggler: Okay.. okay..

Trainee: You have any animal or vegetable matter, sir?

Female Smuggler: [ defensive ] What do you mean? What do you mean? You mean, like, marijuana or cocaine?

[ Smugglers laugh, as Supervisor returns ]

Supervisor: Well, that’s it! One more drug smuggler under arrest! How’s it going here, Whitfield?

Trainee: Fine, sir.

Supervisor: Yeah, I can still smell the stuff on my hands. I’m gonna wash it off, I’ll be back in a minute. [ steps away ]

Trainee: Yes, sir.

[ Male Smuggler sighs relief ]

[ Female Smuggler moans ]

Trainee: Are you in Bolivia for business or pleasure, sir?

Female Smuggler: Uh.. business!

[ Male Smuggler smacks Female Smuggler across her front, busting open her fake boob which begins dispensing cocaine in a slow trickle ]

Female Smuggler: Uh.. um.. I mean, pleasure!

Male Smuggler: Right! I mean, sure, you know? It’s really beautiful down here, man, you really should go sometime, I mean.. it’s a really nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live here, you know? I mean, I got sunburned on my nose the first day! [ laughs ]

Trainee: You buy these boots in Bolivia, sir?

Male Smuggler: What?

Trainee: You buy these boots in Bolivia, sir?

Male Smuggler: Uhhh.. yeah.. no, no! I got them in Los Angeles, before I-I left.

Trainee: Here.

Male Smuggler: That’s my aftershave! You can confiscate that, if you want! You can take it, take my aftershave! [ laughs ]

Trainee: That’s alright, sir. [ pulls sweater out of white powder ] Alright, sir.. how about this sweater? You buy this in Bolivia?

Male Smuggler: What?

Trainee: Did you buy this sweater in Bolivia, sir?

Male Smuggler: Yeah! Yeah!

Trainee: It was not entered on your declaration form, was it, sir?

Male Smuggler: No.. it wasn’t..

Trainee: Let’s take a look. [ Supervisor returns ] This sweater was not entered on their, uh, declaration form. I don’t know how to handle that, sir.

Supervisor: Uh.. you folks bringing in more than $125 worth of foreign purchases?

Male Smuggler: [ quickly ] No, sir! No, sir.

Supervisor: That’s okay.

Trainee: Okay. Thank you very much, you can go.

Male Smuggler: [ excited ] Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou-thankyou!! [ closes his suitcase quick and hurries to flee the scene ]

Trainee: I hope it’s a boy!

Female Smuggler: Oh! Thank you!

[ they exit ]

Trainee: Next, please.

[ Fake Priest enters with a barrel filled with drugs ]

Trainee: Oh, that’s alright, Father, you can go right ahead. [ Fake Priest quickly makes his exit ] Next, please!

[ camera pans above set to audience, zooms in on Jaqueline Carlin with SUPER: “Understudy” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 12

77k: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

Conversation After Sex

Man…..Chevy Chase
Woman…..Gilda Radner

[ a couple begin a conversation after having sex ]

Man: You want a cigarette?

Woman: No, thanks, I don’t smoke.

Man: Oh, good. Neither do I. [ pause ] That was terrific. How was it for you?

Woman: Okay.

Man: Was it just “okay”, or was it “really okay”?

Woman: Well, it was “really just okay”.

Man: Did you, uh.. did you.. hmm? Did you have, uh..?

Woman: Couldn’t you tell?

Man: Well, I’m not very good at those things. I can’t figure those things out too good. They confuse me.

Woman: Well, why did you ask?

Man: Well, you know, I figured we’ve just been very intimate, asintimate as you can be, you know? And, uh.. I’d feel sort of guilty if only one of us was satisfied, you know? I mean, it’s not like I didn’t try..

Woman: Oh, I know.

Man: Well, did you?

Woman: Well, look, don’t worry. Sometimes I do, and I don’t even know it.

Man: Huh? I’ve never heard of that before. When it happens to me, I know it.

Woman: Well, girls are different, you know? I didn’t even know I was allowed to have one ’til I went away to college.

Man: Do you usually have one, though?

Woman: Well, you see, it’s like this – I never really feel themimmediately. It’s sorta like they, uh.. kind of store up, and then I feel them all at once. Usually, on the first day of Purim. A lot of girls are like that.

Man: Well, then.. you mean, you did have one?

Woman: Well..

Man: You might have.

Woman: Yeah.

Man: Good. I feel better.

Woman: Could you hold me?

Man: What?

Woman: Well, I just wondered if you’d hold me. I mean, we’ve been so close and everything.. and I like that part, the holding part. I like that as much as the other part.

Man: Well, sure. I like that, too. [ they adjust themselves for comfort ] Can I ask you something personal?

Woman: Sure.

Man: Um.. I don’t want to pry.. but, who’s Phil?

Woman: How do you know about Phil?

Man: Well, in the middle of it, you said his name, you know?

Woman: Oh, gee. I’m sorry.

Man: It’s okay. Who is he?

Woman: Well, Phil’s my old boyfriend. We broke up a couple weeks ago. I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, really..

Man: Oh, no, no.. That’s okay, I understand. I was just wondering, that’s all. It’s okay..

Woman: You mind if I ask you a personal question?

Man: Of course. Shoot.

Woman: Who’s Terry? Right in the middle of everything, you said, “Terry.”

Man: I’m Terry. Terry Forrester?

Woman: Oh, I remember! You told me at the party! Right.

Man: That’s just sort of a habit, from all those night alone. Ididn’t mean to hurt your feelings..

Woman: Terry?

Man: Yeah?

Woman: Can I ask you another question?

Man: Yeah, sure.

Woman: Who’s Mommy?

Man: I said “Mommy”?

Woman: Yeah.

Man: Mommy’s my middle name – Terry “Mommy” Forrester, I swear!

Woman: I believe you.

Man: I know that sounds funny.. Well, it’s getting pretty late.What time do you have to get up for work?

Woman: Well, my boss is out of town, I don’t have to go in ’til the afternoon.

Man: Wow, you’re lucky. I’ve got a 9:30 class, it takes me 45minutes to get there.

Woman: Class?

Man: Yeah.

Woman: I thought you said you pitched for the Yankees?

Man: I did? Yeah.. well..

Woman: You even promised you’d give me tickets for opening day..

Man: Look, I was lying. I just.. I’ll level with you. I just wanted you to go home with me. I wanted to take you home, I thought it would sound a little better if I told you I was pitching for the Yankees. I figured if I told you I’m teaching Driver’s Ed for Rodell Junior High, you know..?

Woman: I understand. You must really like baseball.

Man: Never miss a game.

Woman: Yeah, me either. Especially the Yankees. I follow themclosely, like I know the whole roster.

Man: Well, why did you let me lie to you like that?

Woman: Well, I didn’t want to embarrass you, and I was afraid you wouldn’t take me home.. and I knew you’d tell me the truth, eventually.

Man: Well, that’s real nice of you. That’s real nice. I’ve gotta go. [ gets up ]

Woman: Well, where are you going?

Man: I told you – I’ve got an early class.. I’ve gotta get ready..

Woman: Well, you can stay, if you want to.

Man: I can?

Woman: Sure. It’s your apartment.

[ the Man turns the lamp off, as they both fall asleep ]

[ pull out to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… How To Tell Shields From Yarnell” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


February 18th, 1978

Chevy Chase

Billy Joel

None

Valri Bromfield

Al Franken

Andy Murphy

Yvonne Hudson

A Former President Speaks to the NationSummary: In rebuttal to Ronald Reagan, former President Gerald Ford (Chevy Chase) discusses the advantages of the Suez Canal.

Recurring Characters: Gerald Ford, Betty Ford.

Transcript

Montage

Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase milks the audience for cheap applause.

Also Hosted: 79j, 82a, 85b, 86f, 91k, 95b, 96m.

Transcript

The Moth MasherSummary: Pitchman (Dan Aykroyd) demonstrates how to use his masher to preserve moths.

Conversation After SexSummary: Terry (Chevy Chase) and his date (Gilda Radner) chat after their one-night stand.

Transcript

Billy Joel performs “Only The Good Die Young”Also Performed: 81f, 89c, 93d.

KingSummary: John F. Kennedy (Dan Aykroyd) and Bobby Kennedy (Bill Murray) attempt to bug Martin Luther King Jr. (Garrett Morris).

Recurring Characters: John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Bobby Kennedy.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Chevy Chase makes a fake phone call to relieve Dan Aykroyd of his “Weekend Update” duties. Laraine Newman interviews a striking coal miner (Al Franken) who can’t stop coughing. John Belushi’s boxing commentary leads to a vicious attack on Jane Curtin. Emily Litella (Gilda Radner) is pleased to see Chevy Chase back at the Update desk. Garrett Morris repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript

Baggage Inspection CounterSummary: A dimwitted Customs trainee (Chevy Chase) overlooks the heroin being smuggled in by a couple (John Belushi, Laraine Newman).

Transcript

Bad Day SoundtrackSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Laraine Newman confronts the singer (Valri Bromfield) who’s performing the soundtrack to her bad day.

SermonetteSummary: The Reverend Archbishop Maharishi O’Mulliganstein D.D.S. (Chevy Chase) of the Church of Confusion sermonizes nonsense verse.

Transcript

Somewhere In France, 1944Summary: German soldiers (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) try to sneak behind American lines during WW2, only to be stumped by the Sarge’s (John Belushi) baseball quiz question.

Transcript

Billy Joel performs “Just The Way You Are”

No Funny EndingSummary: Chevy Chase interrupts a Victorian scene with Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, and Jane Curtin so that he can have more performance time, but no one is able to come up with an ending for the sketch that makes sense.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark, Rod Serling, Truman Capote.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 11

77k: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

The X-Police

Susan Edwards…Laraine Newman
Dave Griffin…Robert Klein
Joe…Dan Aykroyd
X-Policeman…Bill Murray
Announcer…Don Pardo

[Open on a man and woman opening a gift in their living room]

Susan Edwards: Oh, look! [Taking “his” and “hers” towels from the box]

Dave Griffin: Isn’t that nice? It was wonderful of your mother to send these “his” and “hers” towels because of your graduation from medical school tomorrow.

Susan Edwards: Well, you know, I think she’s finally accepted the fact that we’re not going to get married.

Dave Griffin: Well, she ought to. We’ve been living together for eight years.

Susan Edwards: Well, I don’t think your willing–winning the Cal Tech prize for your solar energy research hurt any.

Dave Griffin: [puts his hand over his mouth] You know, I love your mom and… and who knows? Some day, maybe we will get hooked up and really make her happy.

Susan Edwards: I don’t see why…

[Two men in blue jackets carrying guns burst in through the front door]

Joe: Freeze! X-Police! [They show badge cases without badges in them]

Dave Griffin: X-Police?

Joe: Yeah, we were kicked off the force a few months ago.

X-Policeman: But that won’t keep us from enforcing the law. [Walks behind the couch] You two are adults cohabiting in a single, single-family dwelling, and in this state that’s a felony!

Susan Edwards: How do you know?

Joe: We live in this building. We see you come and go all the time.

Dave Griffin: [Standing up] Wait a minute, you can’t break in here without a warrant!

X-Policeman: [Reaching into his jacket] Oh no, I got a warrant right here. Help me with it. [He grabs Dave and hits him over the head three times]

Susan Edwards: [sobbing] No wait, please! We’ve never done anything wrong!

X-Policeman: Yeah, sure, slut! If ya want, you can tell it to the X-Judge.

Joe: How you can say you’ve never done anything wrong really makes me sick! [Grabs Susan and begins slamming her against the wall] Boy, you people make me sick! Fornication, copulation, coitus! It’s all I can stand! Sex! You people are driving this country into a God-less mire! I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a girl turning tricks on the street because she was born out of wedlock to a little 14-year-old girl…

X-Policeman: [Taps Joe on the shoulder] Joe. Joe, maybe you should stop slamming her against the wall. She’s unconscious and really can’t benefit from your words.

[Joe releases Susan, who falls limply onto the floor]

Joe: It’s too late. She’s dead. Another promiscuity-related death. This sort of thing turns my stomach! Better make it look like the guy did it.

X-Policeman: Right. Here. Put his hands around her neck. [Both X-Police bring the unconscious Dave over to Susan and put his hands around her neck] Yeah, right, then we’ll throw this glass of water in his face. [Dave immediately regains consciousness after being splashed with the water]

Dave Griffin: What, what, what? [He sees Susan laying on the floor and begins to panic]

X-Policeman: [Pulling Dave to his feet] Yeah, come on up, fella.

Joe: We came in to bust ya for cohabitation. Your girlfriend here tried to bribe us with sexual favors. And in a fit of jealous rage you went berserk, and ya strangled her before we could knock you out!

Dave Griffin: I did? Ohhh…[begins screaming and runs to the window, jumping through the glass]

Joe: Fingerprints! [Begins wiping items on the coffee table and picks up the couple’s towels] Cohabitation.

X-Policeman: [Shakes head] Tssss! Well, Joe, we’ve done all we can. Let’s get out of here before the real police come.

Joe: [Throws down the towels] Yeah, right! [Both X-Police leave the apartment]

[Dissolve to police lineup picture of Dave with a bloodied bandage on his forehead]

Announcer: Dave Griffin recovered from his fall and was convicted of first-degree murder and the beating death of Susan Edwards. Griffin was sentenced to life imprisonment in the California State Men’s Penitentiary at Chino, where he died six months later while being sexually assaulted by other inmates.

[Dissolve to an empty badge case above the “X-Police” logo]

Announcer: Join us again next week for another episode of X-Police.

[Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

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