Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 20
75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell
The Affair
Wife…..Dyan Cannon
Lover…..Chevy Chase
Husband…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on a wife and her lover making out on the couch, lover top on top. A car can be heard pulling up outside, but they don’t seem to notice. ]
Wife: Mmm. Mmm. Nice. Mmm.
Lover: You sure this is okay? I mean, what if your husband comes home early? Is everything okay about this?
Wife: Sure! I’ll just make up something.
Lover: Okay.
Wife: Okay.
[ they continue to kiss and fondle, as her husband enters the house ]
Husband: Angela? [ she and her over freeze in position ] Angela! How could you do this? I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him. I’ll take him apart.
Wife: It’s okay, he’s dead. [ a beat ] Oh, uh.. I-I-I-I’ve been lying here screaming for help, but I guess my voice must have been muffled by his face.
Husband: Who is this guy? How did he die, anyway?
[ Husband tugs the lover’s body, knocking him onto the floor ]
Wife: Darling, I’m so glad you’re home! I was so frightened, I thought I was suffocating! I’m so glad you’re home early.
Husband: Alright, just wait a minute, now. Who is this guy? Let’s start from the beginning. How is he here, how did he die?
Wife: Well, he’s, uh.. he’s a delivery boy. He, uh.. I guess – I don’t know. I guess he just had a heart attack or something, I don’t know. What happened, he just fell on top of me gasping, and the next thing I knoew, I couldn’t move.
Husband: Well, what was he delivering?
Wife: [ looking about the room ] That lamp.
Husband: That lamp?
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: We’ve had that lamp for twelve years.
Wife: Yes, I know, honey, and I know how much you love that lamp. and this afternoon, when I was in the kitchen, ironing your socks, uh.. the lamp – I was ironing it, and the board fell over, and the thing fell on top of it, and, uh.. well, I went to have it fixed, you see, and he came to deliver it. He delivered it.
Husband: That lamp looks the same as it’s always looked. It doesn’t look any different.
Wife: That’s because they fixed it.
Husband: They fixed it? This poor guy, I mean — [ notices the body moving ] He’s breathing! He’s breathing! There’s still life in this man!
Wife: I’ll give him a little mouth-to-mouth.
[ the wife and her lover slowly build to a passionate kiss in front of her husband ]
Husband: I think he’s coming around, uh.. okay, uh.. [ pulls the lover to his feet ] You had a narrow brush there, my friend.
Wife: You’re okay.
Husband: You’re okay.
Wife: You’re alright now, are you okay?
Husband: Where am I?
Wife: Delivery man, are you okay?
Lover: Well, thank you so much, I don’t know.. I must have – close to death. I don’t know how I can repay you.. I know! I won’t charge you for the lamp! See ya’! [ tries to make a quick exit ]
Husband: Excuse me just a minute there, pal. I’d just like one question answered: how come a guy who delivers a lamp has a car wash sign on his back?
Lover: Well, there’s really not much money in lamp delivery.
Husband: Well, uh.. alright.
Lover: Sorry.
Husband: Hey, wait, wait, wait, please! I just want a simple explanation here, okay?
Lover: Sure thing, yes.
Husband: Uh, now, let’s just all relax here, because this is —
Wife: Darling, he’s a medical student!
Lover: — entirely an innocent mistake, I am a medical student. And medical school being expensive, as it is, I had to, uh.. as it were, I got to go wash cars, deliver lamps, anything to pay for it.
Husband: Uh-huh, uh-huh..
Lover: And, of course, you know he president has called for a massive, uh.. innoculation, because of the swine flu, uh, all over the country, and I had to volunteer and I’m supposed to innoculate the entire neighborhood. In fact, I don’t have much time, I’d better get out there and innoculate.
Husband: Uh, yeah, yeah. Swine flu, but, uh —
Wife: Yes, darling, and there’s a lot of it going around.
Lover: Oh, boy..
Husband: Well, uh, I don’t understand how you ended up top of my wife, that’s all. I mean, uh..
Lover: Well, I have been working so hard at this, I must have passed out, I’m really sorry —
Wife: That’s right, honey! We were innoculating when you came in!
Lover: That is true. That is the truth, that is the honest truth.
Husband: Okay, I see. I’m sorry I got a little upset. I mean, the swine flu thing is important, I guess. It’s just got us all a little crazy!
[ they all laugh together at the silliness of their situation ]
Lover: Well, yeah, you’re a very understanding man, and I thank you, and I guess I’d better be on my way. [ shakes husband’s hand ] Thank you very much. Goodbye, Angie. [ kisses her on the lips, then turns to leave ]
Husband: [ catching on ] Wait a minute! What’s this business with Angie! How do you know her name!
Lover: Let me see those eyes.. [ grabs Husband’s eyes ]
Husband: [ alarmed ] What’s wrong with my eyes?
Lover: Let me see those eyes.
Wife: [ also grabs her husband’s eyes ] Oh, my God, darling!
Lover: You’re a little dilated here.
Wife: Oh, darling!
Lover: I think you’d better sit down here.
[ Husband is seated on the couch ]
Wife: The eyes underneath, they don’t look so good. Maybe I should get some hot water?
Husband: [ frantic ] What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!
Lover: You’re perspiring a little bit, and I think your pulse is just a ltitle bit high. You might just have a touch of the swine flu.
Husband: The swine flu?! I’ve got it?!
Lover: You might have it.
Husband: Swine flu? I’ve got it?
Lover: He could use an innoculation.
Wife: An innoculation!
Lover: Now, look, I’ve got plenty of vaccine in my truck. You wait here, and I’ll get it. We’ll take care of this right away.
Husband: [ excited ] The swine flu! I’ve got it!
Lover: You’ll be alright, you just wait here, I’ll get that vaccine [ exits house ]
Husband: I’m one of the first waves to get it!
Wife: I think it’s gonna be alright.
Husband: I’ve been thinking about it all day, I’ve been so worried it all day, you know, thinking about it. But I guess I was lucky to walk in here, with the presidential innoculator in my own home! That’s luck!That’s real luck!
Wife: Yes.. yes.
[ sound of a car driving away ]
Husband: So, uh.. he’ll just give me a shot, and, uh.. [ a beat ] I don’t think he’s coming back.. somehow.
Wife: Who?
Husband: The innoculator!
Wife: The what?
Husband: The medical student, with the car wash, who-who-who delivers lamps! Who-who, uh..
Wife: What lamp? We’ve had that lamp for twelve years. Come on, darling – supper is ready. [ exits into kitchen ]
Husband: [ momentarily confused ] Supper! Yeah. I should eat something. I’ve got an appetite, that’s a good sign! Maybe, maybe I don’t have it! Maybe I don’t got that old swine! [ happy; relieved ] Yeah! [ stands triumphantly ]
[ camera zooms out to reveal wide shot of set, audience in foreground. Dan Aykroyd runs off the set. ]
[ SUPER: “Is Golf As Dull As It Looks?” ]
Air Date:
Summary: Chevy Chase has performed the weekly opening fall, but learns that the show wasn’t yet on the air and that he’ll have to do it all over again.
Summary: Dyan Cannon shyly introduces herself to the audience, then tels them about an unfilled dream to be whisked away by a man on a white horse. Pianist Paul Shaffer picks Dyan up and carries her off the stage, but this isn’t what she had in mind.
Summary: Ms. Elaine Szigeti (Laraine Newman) participates in a diet soda taste test, and chooses sugar-free Zing over a glass of phlegm.
Summary: Participants (Garrett Morris, Gilda Radner, Jane Curtin) in a hearing test fail to realize that thugs (John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd) have entered the room and taken the teacher (Dyan Cannon) hostage during a wild police shootout.
Summary: Head of Bulgarian Tourist Bureau (John Belushi) shows Jane Curtin the film “Bulgaria Dis Vintor” to promote American tourism in Bulgaria.
Summary: A hoarse-sounding Dan Aykroyd has interpreted Dyan Cannon’s monologue dream to involve a man with a sore throat.
Bio: Leon Russell (1942-) collaborated with practically every big name in the music business before opening his own recording studio in 1967. He married singer Mary McCreary in 1975, and they recorded an album together the following year.
Summary: Laraine Newman thinks next week’s host, Buck Henry, is disgusting.
Summary: Correspondent Laraine Newman interviews a Nevada gas station attendant (Garrett Morris) who claims to have an alternate copy of Howard Hughes’ will. Chevy Chase’s weather report is documented through a crude series of artist’s renderings. Garrett Morris again repeats the top story for the hard-of-hearing.
Summary: Anita Bryant (Jane Curtin) promotes natural Florida orange juice while being held hostage in war-torn Beirut.
Summary: While giving the eulogy at a funeral, a priest (Chevy Chase) suffers through a disruptive bout of the hiccups.
Summary: Acting as a pimp, Garrett Morris has interpreted Dyan Cannon’s monologue dream to involve a pair of white prostitutes (Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman).
Summary: Gary Weis’ film crosscuts interviews of newlyweds and marital infidelity investigators.
Summary: Pitchman Roy Waddmaker (Dan Aykroyd) promotes the bottled bathwater of giggly Cindy Cleavage (Dyan Cannon) and other celebrities.
Summary: Private Rick Duncan (Chevy Chase) is abused by his sergeant (Dan Aykroyd) when his verbal gaffes demand multiple takes for a Marine Corps commercial.
Recurring Characters: Joe Cocker.
Summary: Teenaged Dyan (Dyan Cannon) is dying to make an impression on “Johnny Angel”, whom her parents (John Belushi, Gilda Radner) are horrified to learn are three members of the Hells Angels (Garrett Morris, Dan Aykroyd, Chevy Chase). As Dyan bursts into song, the Hells Angels tear the house apart and tie her parents up with rope.
Summary: Pharmacist (John Belushi) recommends Cresk toothpaste for housewife’s (Gilda Radner) dead son.
Summary: John Belushi rides onto the stage on his friend Horace’s (Alan Zweibel) back, having misinterpreted Dyan Cannon’s monologue dream.
Summary: This week’s home movie is a Nugent Rasero Fitzgerald Production, in which a hapless hubcap thief doesn’t complete his task in time and is rolled around town by an unsuspecting driver.
Summary: African native (Garrett Morris) makes a plea for unwanted fondue sets.
Note: Because Carly Simon was too shy to perform in front of a live audience, her musical appearance was pre-taped.
Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Ray Charles’ “New York’s My Home” accompanies footage of sports fans around the city.
Summary: Madeline Kahn and Gilda Radner perform odd imitations.
