Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Interior Demolitionists

Mrs. Henderson…..Jane Curtin
Interior Demolitionist #1…..Elliot Gould
Interior Demolitionist #2…..Chevy Chase
Willie…..Garrett Morris
Mr. Henderson…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Mrs. Henderson reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee in her living, as the doorbell rings ]

Mrs. Henderson: Coming!

[ she straightens the newspaper and dashes across the room as the doorbell rings again ]

Mrs. Henderson: Just a minute!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Who is it, honey?

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling up ] I have no idea!

[ suddenly, an axe is chopped through the front door, and two unknwon men enter the living room ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Morning, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Come in…

Interior Demolitionist #1: Morning, ma’am. Interior demolitionists. Are you Mrs. Henderson?

Mrs. Henderson: Yeah. Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah. Where do you want us to begin?

Mrs. Henderson: Uh — [ calling upstairs ] Honey?! Did you send for interior demolitionists?!

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 picks up a vase and smacks it to pieces with a hammer ]

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] I can’t hear what you’re saying, honey — I’m in the shower!

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Did you send for interior demolitionists?!!

Mr. Henderson: [ from upstairs ] Whaaat?

Mrs. Henderson: [ to Interior Demolitionist #1 ] Do you want — you want some coffee?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Oh, yeah! Great!

Interior Demolitionist #2: No coffee for me, thank you.

[ Mrs. Henderson pours another cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: Well, you just leave this to us, Mrs. Henderson. We’ve got a lot of experience. [ he takes a cup of coffee ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: [ holding clock ] Beautiful clock, ma’am.

Mrs. Henderson: Oh… yeah. It’s Austrian. It’s been in our family for —

Interior Demolitionist #2: Well, it’s just beautiful. [ he drops it to the floor, then stomps on it ]

[ Interior Demolitionist smacks his coffee cup with a hammer ]

Mrs. Henderson: Are you sure you have the right house?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Uh, Boss — I think we’re pretty much ready for you over here by the TV.

Mrs. Henderson: My husband doesn’t tell me anything, and I thought, you know, maybe you could have gotten the wrong house! The people next door might have called you —

[ Interior Demolitionist #2 climbs on a chair and holds a bowling ball tied to a chain, which Interior Demolitionist #1 grabs from the bottom and aims for the direct center of the TV, busting the screen and blowing a tube ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: No problem there!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mrs. Henderson: [ desperately ] You know, it’s funny — my husband sounds like a lot of people on the phone! You could have mistaken him for anyone!

Interior Demolitionist #1: [ to Interior Demolitionist #2 ] Well, I guess we’d better take care of this stuff before we set the explosives. [ he picks up a chair and snashes it into a curio cabinet ][ meanwhile, Interior Demolitionist 2 smashes and stomps upon a bookcase near the stairs ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Honey, did you order explosives?!

[ an explosion can be heard outside ]

[ from upstairs ] Okay, honey, I’ll be out in a moment!

[ Willie enters, carrying a detonator ]

Willie: Okay, Boss! Finished with the garage!

Interior Demolitionist #1: Okay, Willie — wire the sofa!

Mrs. Henderson: [ confused ] Really? Wire the sofa?

[ as Willie sets up the detonator under the sofa, Interior Demolitionist #2 steadies a ladder below the chandelier ]

Interior Demolitionist #2: Ready for you here, Boss. Take your time. I’ve got the ladder.

[ Interior Demolitionist #1 climbs the ladder, then snaps the chandelier wire in half. It crashes through the coffee table below ]

[ suddenly, Mr. Henderson runs downstairs with a towel wrapped around his neck ]

Mr. Henderson: What’s going on? What’s going on here? What is going on?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Mr. Henderson!

Mr. Henderson: This is my house! What’s going on?!

Interior Demolitionist #1: We’re the interior demolitionists.

Mr. Henderson: Interior demolitionists?

Interior Demolitionist #1: Yeah.

Mr. Henderson: [ dumbfounded ] You expect me to pay for this?

Interior Demolitionist #2: Excuse me, sir, uh — [ he chuckles ] We haven’t finished yet!

Mr. Henderson: Haven’t finished? You haven’t even started. Get out of my house!

Interior Demolitionist #1: One minute. You’re paying us by the hour. Yuo might as well let us finish. Willie, hit the plunger.

[ Willie presses the detonator, as the couch makes a small boom ans smoke plummets upward ]

[ Mr. Henderson checks under the cushions, not satisfied ]

Mr. Henderson: Okay, out! Out, out, out! Get out, get out, get out! Out! Out! All of you, get out of here! Move!

[ the men head toward the door ]

Interior Demolitionist #1: You want me to send you an invoice, Mr. Henderson?

Mr. Henderson: Get out! Get out of my house! Interior demolitionists!

[ the men exit the house ]

Mr. Henderson: [ to his wife ] Interior demolitionists, they call themselves! Look at this! [ he picks up a vase ] Look at this vase! It’s hardly even chipped! At $500 an hour, I expect rubble! Fragments!

Mrs. Henderson: Honey, you’re such a perfectionist! Here!

[ she throws the vase at the wall, but it just bounces off without breaking ]

[ dissolve to studio wide shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… The Elephant’s Funeral Home” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

The Dead String Quartet

First Violinist…..Dan Aykroyd
Second Violinist…..Jane Curtin
Third Violinist…..Garrett Morris
Cellist…..Chevy Chase

[ open on three violinist and one cellist seated in the middle of the apron the stage, seemingly asleep ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the Dead String Quartet.

[ SUPER: “The Dead String Quartet” ]

[ light laughter, as the audience waits with eager anticipation to see what’s going to happen next ]

[ Dead String Quartet remains perfectly still for a number of seconds, until First Violinist slowly keels over to his left, sound of his reed slipping across the violin strings as his body keels over ]

[ First Violinist bumps into Second Violinist, causing a similar reaction from her, as her reed slips over the violin strings and she keels into Third Violinist ]

[ Third Violinist’s body keels on into the Cellist, whose body and cello lean over to the edge of the stage ]

[ Cellist balances between his cello and the floor for a few seconds, before finally toppling over the apron and landing with a thud in the middle of the audience ]

Cellist: [ suddenly alive, reaches his arm over the apron and looks into the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Albert Brooks Film

… Albert Brooks
Paul Rennert … James L. Brooks

[Comedian Albert Brooks, wearing brown flannel shirtand brown pants, stands outside a building, addressingthe camera.]

Albert Brooks: Hello, I’m at the National AudienceResearch Institute, a few miles outside of Phoenix,Arizona. This is my last film in this series for theSaturday Night show. I might be back but that’s notimportant right now. What is important is you. Comeinside with me. I’ll show you what I mean.

[Brooks heads into the building. Dissolve to Brooksinside the building as he walks past a row of large,noisy computers and addresses the camera.]

Albert Brooks: In this building, hundreds of dedicatedmen and women work in order to find out what you, theaudience, like and why you like it. You know, someperformers say, “I don’t care about the audience. Ifthey don’t like it, fine. I got my own style, my ownbag. I’ll wait for other audiences.” [Brooks stops. Wecut to a close-up.] Not me. I’m not that stupid.That’s why I’m willing and able to change in anydirection you choose. [Cut wide again.] All I have toknow is why you don’t like it and what it is I can doabout it. And that’s what brought me here.

[Cut to Brooks in a denim outfit, walking through anInstitute hallway.]

Albert Brooks V/O: I first came to the ResearchInstitute one year ago today. With my own money and atwenty-five thousand dollar grant, I intended tolaunch the most comprehensive research program everattempted for one individual.

[Cut to a room with four researchers sitting at atable. Brooks enters and shakes hands with them.]

Albert Brooks V/O: The Institute assigned three menand one woman to my project. As soon as I met them, Iknew I was in good hands.

[Cut to interview footage of Paul Rennert, one of theresearchers, in his office.]

Albert Brooks V/O: There was Paul Rennert, a pioneerin the field of audience research.

Paul Rennert: Yeah, I went to the University ofColorado and I knew exactly what I wanted to do withmy life. I got into research.

Albert Brooks: [off screen] Is it an absolute science,research?

Paul Rennert: An absolute? No, no. It’s not anabsolute. The wonderful thing about it, and whatexcites the people who are in it, is that you can goahead and dig and compile, dig and compile, and you’renot heading towards any final answer.

[Cut to interview footage with another researcher,Brian Elsner, who wears a white lab coat in a computerlab.]

Brian Elsner: Look…

Albert Brooks V/O: Brian Elsner…

Brian Elsner: … I’m not even gonna deal with thisproblem.

Albert Brooks V/O: … one of the first men tointroduce computers into the field of audienceanalyzation.

Brian Elsner: We have tons and tons of computer data.By the time we compile it and read it out, it’sout-of-date.

[Cut to interview footage with the only femaleresearcher, Sandy Laughton.]

Sandy Laughton: Whether you’re walking on the moon orchoosing The Tonight Show…

Albert Brooks V/O: Sandy Laughton, responsible forchoosing just what material of mine would be used fortesting purposes.

Sandy Laughton: The material seldom makes me laugh.

Albert Brooks: [off screen] That’s not ’cause it’s notfunny.

Sandy Laughton: Not necessarily. I – I laugh when Ithink I’ve done a good job.

[Cut to interview footage with the oldest researcher,Mark Fielding, a gray-haired, bespectacled man whowears a bow tie.]

Mark Fielding: The participants in these tests …

Albert Brooks V/O: Doctor Mark Fielding, head of theresearch team.

Mark Fielding: … are chosen by tests so complicatedthat, actually, it deserves studying.

Albert Brooks: [off screen] What was the age range ofthe participants?

Mark Fielding: A four year old boy in Des Moines, Iowato a seventy-five year old woman in San Diego,California. And every possible combination in-between.

[Cut to Brooks, walking down a flight of stairsoutside the institute, addressing the camera.]

Albert Brooks: Obviously, a research institute thathas spent millions of dollars on a testing programcan’t divulge its secrets on national television.However, since I was paying for this, they did allowme to film small portions of just a few of the overone hundred and six tests given.

[Cut to a projection room where four test subjects sitin recliners wearing headphones. Sandy Laughton,wearing a white lab coat, paces behind them, holding aclipboard, making notes.]

Female Subject: No!

Male Subject: [soberly] I’m laughing very hard.

Female Subject: No!

Little Girl: I don’t like it!

Female Subject: Yes.

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Eleven.

Male Subject: [soberly] I’m not laughing.

Female Subject: Yes. Yes. No.

Albert Brooks V/O: Wearing special headphones, groupsof four people, chosen for specific reasons, wereasked to listen to a comedy recording of mine andverbalize all thoughts and feelings.

Male Subject: [soberly] I’m laughing hard.

Little Girl: I like it!

Albert Brooks V/O: On the surface, this test appearsto tell nothing. However, once the information was fedinto a computer, the results were astounding.

[Cut to a man and a woman sitting on a sofa. They wearname tags.]

Man: I don’t understand the whole thing. This is theTonight Show. We’ve been watching the Tonight Show fortwenty years….

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Twenty-eight. In their ownhome, this couple has just watched me perform on alate night talk show. The Institute felt it would makefor an unusually honest critique if, after theprogram, they could remain in their home and speak tome directly through their television. [Cut wide toreveal researcher Paul Rennert sitting in a nearbychair in the couple’s living room, arguing with them.Brooks is visible on the TV.] At a staggering cost perminute, special lines were set up between theInstitute and this house two thousand miles away.Regrettably, these people were not briefed properlyand their confusion was costing me a fortune.

Albert Brooks: [on the TV screen, interrupting theargument] Hold it! Wait a minute! I’ll explain onemore time. Okay?

Man: Please.

[Cut to Brooks in a TV studio.]

Albert Brooks: I’m not in Burbank.

Man: Yeah.

Albert Brooks: I’m nowhere near the Tonight Show.

Man: Oh.

Albert Brooks: I did that earlier this evening.

Man: I see.

[Cut to the living room with Brooks on the TV.]

Albert Brooks: [on TV] I left. I got on a plane. I’mnow near Phoenix, Arizona.

Woman: So you left The Tonight Show?

Albert Brooks: [on TV] Yeah.

Woman: Uh huh. And now you’re in Arizona?

Albert Brooks: [on TV] Right! I’m at the Institute.

Woman: I see. I see. I see.

Albert Brooks: [on TV] Now, what did you think of theshow?

Man: How close are you to Phoenix?

Albert Brooks: [on TV, completely loses it] Whatdifference does it make HOW CLOSE I AM TOPHOENIX???!!!!

[Cut to Brooks in the TV studio.]

Albert Brooks: [goes ballistic] What the hell is goingon?! What did you think of the show?!

[Cut to an Institute control room where a videotape ofBrooks’ previous film for Saturday Night plays on apair of TV screens. Brian Elsner, the computerspecialist, is visible in the background.]

Albert Brooks: [on TV screen] Before I go, I’d like tosay one thing. You know, making film is a cooperativeeffort …

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Sixty-five. One of a series oftests utilizing the Institute’s very newest computer.[Cut to a hairy-chested, bearded man with sensorsstuck to various parts of his body and head.] Thisman, while viewing me on television, was sending overtwo million impulses into this — what the Institutecalls the XR-8000. [We cut back and forth betweencomputer and sensor-rigged man] This computer canactually translate these impulses into a critique thatcan be read and discarded, much the same as a typicalnewspaper review.

[A teletype prints out the critique. It reads: “Atthis point, however, Brooks simply becomes a babblingBrooks. The sharpness of his wit is dulled by the factthat he can’t seem to hold an audience once it isthere. Some comedians have that gift, Brooks does not.He assumes that an audience, once in a setting, isgood for at least an hour. Streisand, yes. AlbertBrooks, no. Another annoying things seems to beBrooks’ attitude toward people that don’t like hisact. He wastes no time before he insults them …” Cutto a small room. Brooks talks with a male testsubject. Through a glass window, we see researchersElsner and Laughton watching and taking notes.]

Albert Brooks: [to the male subject] Just– You see,you’ve taken it the wrong way.

Albert Brooks V/O: Test Seventy. I was placed in asmall room with a subject who, in an earlierinterview, expressed an intense dislike for my work.

Male Subject: [hostile] It’s tasteless.

Albert Brooks V/O: I was instructed to see if I couldbring him around to my way of thinking. This test wasdesigned to show just how deep audience feelings ran.

Male Subject: [angry, yelling] I don’t care! You’re -not – funny!

Albert Brooks: But I AM funny!

Male Subject: [grabs Brooks by the arms] Youunderstand that? I HATE YOU! You’re not funny!

Albert Brooks: But don’t you – don’t you understand–?

Male Subject: [shakes Brooks violently] Look! You’renot funny! I hate you!

Albert Brooks: I don’t think you understand–

Male Subject: No, YOU don’t understand!

Albert Brooks: Okay.

Male Subject: [increasingly violent] I hate it! I hateyou! I hate everything about it! You’re not funny!You’re not funny and I hate your guts!

Albert Brooks: Okay. [taps on window, yells toresearchers, who do nothing] Let me out – let me outof here!

Male Subject: I hate you.

Albert Brooks: Okay. Let me out.

Male Subject: You are not funny!

Albert Brooks: Oh, okay.

Male Subject: You are not funny …

Albert Brooks: Let me out of here!

Male Subject: … at all!

[Cut to Brooks, walking briskly away from theInstitute, wearing his brown outfit again. He carriesa massive book and addresses the camera.]

Albert Brooks: The National Audience ResearchInstitute has just turned over to me its findings inthis eight hundred and twenty-two page report. I’mgonna go on a vacation now and have somebody I trustput this into a synopsis I’ll read. [pauses at the topof a flight of steps running down to the street] Thenext time I see you, I hope and pray to be more ofwhat YOU want. [Brooks starts walking down the steps.]Thank you! And if you’re going on vacation, please,have a nice one, too!

[Fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9

75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Killer Bees

Written by: Lorne Michaels & Chevy Chase

Husband…..Chevy Chase
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Killer Bee Leader…..Elliot Gould
Killer Bee Manuel…..John Belushi
Killer Bee Carlos…..Dan Aykroyd
Aunt Betty…..Jane Curtin
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on suburban living room, Husband and Wife reading newspaper on the couch ]

Husband: “Airport ’75” is playing right around the corner.

Wife: I don’t know.. I don’t feel right about seeing “Airport ’75” in 1976.

Announcer On Radio: And now, here’s Sandy Duncan for the new BAF Viewmaster.

Voice On Radio: What is this! Is this a joke? What? How does this thing work? I can’t..

Announcer On Radio: We interrupt this program to bring you this bulletin from the news room. Swarms of South American killer bees have been spotted crossing the border into California.

[ Killer Bee Juan enters through windwo, crosses behind sofa and puts knife to Wife’s neck ]

Sightings have mostly been confined to rural areas. None have yet been seen in more heavily populated areas.

Killer Bee Manuel: Senor, if you want to see your wife again, you will do as I say.

Announcer On Radio: Eyewitnesses say that the bees are yellow and black, and dress much the way Eli Wallach did in the movie “The Magnificant Seven”. The bees are also overweight..

Killer Bee Juan: Turn off the radio!

Husband: [ turns radi off ] Wait a minute.. you must be..

[ Killer Bee Leader kicks in the front door, followed by his swarm ]

Killer Bee Leader: That’s right, gringo.. the Killer Bees.

[ Music: “Sting” ]

[ SUPER: “The Killer Bees” ]

Carlos, lock the door. Manuel, check upstairs. Pablo, by the window.

Husband: What do you want from us?

Killer Bee Leader: We want your pollen.

Husband: Pollen?

Killer Bee Juan: Your pollen or your wife, Senor!

Husband: I don’t understand. We don’t have any pollen. [ Killer Bee Juan presses knife closer to Wife’s neck ] I think there might be some pollen in my coat. Let me just take a look. [ walks over to coat rack and checks pockets of his coat ] No pollen there. Maybe the foyer. [ returns to couch ]

Killer Bee Carlos: Nice shoes you have, gringo.

Husband: Honey, what about the pollen you left in the freezer? Why don’t you go get it? Oh, no, wait.. I’m wrong. Didn’t we leave it at Aunt Betty’s?

Wife: You’re right. That whole big pile of pollen is at Aunt Betty’s. There is no pollen here.

Husband: Say, I have an idea. Why don’t you take the station wagon.. and drive over to Aunt Betty’s.

Wife: Well, I couldn’t carry all that delicious, yummy pollen by myself.

Husband: Alright. If you insist. You’re right. We wouldn’t want to lose one tiny speck of pollen, if we can help it.

Killer Bee Leader: Silence! What do you thnk we are, fools? [ gestures to one of his Killer Bees ] Carlos!

[ enter Killer Bee Carlos with Aunt Betty tied up ]

Wife: Aunt Betty.

Aunt Betty: I had to tell them! They made me! First, they tied me down, and then the buzzing started. That infernal buzzing. The buzzing bees hovering over me, their stingers just inches from..

Killer Bee Leader: Carlos, take her away!

Killer Bee Carlos: Come on, Aunt Betty, we go for a walk..

Killer Bee Leader: Now, maybe you’ll talk.

Husband: [ flabbergasted ] You don’t understand! We don’t have any pollen. We’re ordinary people – people have relatively little use for pollen. I could write you a check. I could give you ice cream. I can let you watch TV, but I can’t give you pollen.

Killer Bee Leader: [ dejected ] Never mind. Let the woman go. One more killing would not put polen into the mouthes of our starving children.

Killer Bee Juan: [ puts down knife ] But, Diego.

Killer Bee Leader: No Juan. What difference does it make? It is over now.

[ two of his Killer Bees begin playing traditional, sentimental Mexican tune on guitar and violin ]

[ Four Shot: Husband, Wife, Killer Bee Juan, Killer Bee Manual ]

We have reached the end of our journey. If we are to go back to the village, we will go back empty-handed. Senor, my people are poor people. For many years they have worked hard. The harvest is so small for so long. I knew we had to leave, to search elsewhere to feed our young. We started to move north last April..

John Belushi: [ breaking character, after noticing the camera shot ] I don’t mean to interrupt, Elliot, but I think we’re having some sort of technial difficulty. The camera has been on us all during your speech.

Elliot Gould: What?

Chevy Chase: Elliot, I noticed that, too.

Gilda Radner: Elliot, why don’t you sit over here and give the speech?

[ Elliot crosses to couch and sits next to Gilda in the shot, then nods to the musicians to start the music again ]

Killer Bee Leader: Senor, my people are poor people. For many years they have worked hard.

[ camera pans past Gilda to show part of the couch ]

The harvest is so small for so long. I knew we had to leave..

[ camera shows floor and rug. Chevy gets down on all fours in shot and pounds the floor. ]

Chevy Chase: Hold it. Lorne! Lorne Michaels! I can’t believe this!

[ Lorne’s feet and legs enter the frame ]

Lorne Michaels: What’s the problem?

Chevy Chase: Look at this shot! Look at this shot! Lorne Michaels!

[ Lorne gets down beside Chevy ]

Lorne Michaels: Elliot, I can only apologize. Excuse me, I’m Lorne Michaels, I’m the producer of this show.

[ SUPER: “Lorne Michaels – Producer” ]

Elliot Gould: Do you want me to give the speech from here, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: It’s nothing to worry about, I’m sure it’s just a minor techincal problem. I’ll see to it right now. Just wait one moment, please..

[ Lorne leaves stage, camera following him through the studio and into the control room. The cast watch on the monitors. ]

Elliot Gould: What is he going to do?

Gilda Radner: I think he’s going into the control room.

Elliot Gould: What for?

Gilda Radner: I don’t know. He’s probably going to talk to the director or something.

Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you this. He’s mad now. I mean, I’ve seen Lorne mad, but –

[ Lorne enters control room to find a bleary-eyes Davey Wilson slumped in his seat, surrounded by empty licquor bottles. Lorne wrests the licquor away from him. ]

John Belushi: Let me tell you one thing about Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels has the biggest heart in show business. He hired that director when no one else would hire him.

[ intercut shots of Lorne reasoning with Davey in the control room, Davey reaching for the bottle ]

Twenty-two years ago, Dave Wilson was the best young director in television. He was directing “I Married Joan”. Then, one day, the pressure got to him, and he started hitting the bottle. He went on a bender, and didn’t pull out of it until Lorne found him six months ago and gave him this job, and a new sense of himself. Since then, he’s been on the wagon, at least until tonight. Okay, so Lorne took a chance and gave an oldtimer a new start, and maybe the pressure got to him again, and he cracked. That’s not Lorne’s fault. He knows we’ve got a show to do, and if he has to fire him, he will, because he’s that kind of producer. But let me tell you one thing, Elliot.. I wouldn’t be in Lorne Michaels’ shoes for all the money in the world, because right now he’s probably in there firing his own father.

[ show Lorne banishing Dave from the control room, and taking over the directing duties himself ]

Lorne Michaels: [ obviously lying ] Elliot, we had a little technical problem in the booth, nothing to worry about. Can you pick it up from the “My people were poor..” speech?

Chevy Chase: Elliot, you want to continue?

Elliot Gould: Look, Lorne, I don’t feel like doing it now.

Lorne Michaels: Elliot, I think it’s working very well.

[ awkward pause.. Elliot and the cast all mutter no, we don’t feel like it, and exit the set ]

John Belushi: That Lorne Michaels sure can take it on the chin, can’t he?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9


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Season 1: Order Now!

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:





A Film By:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

January 10th, 1976

Elliot Gould

Anne Murray

The Muppets

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Albert Brooks

Dave Wilson

Lorne Michaels

Paula Kahn

Paul Shaffer

Michael O’Donoghue

Tom Schiller

Neil Levy

The Dead String QuartetSummary: Members of the Dead String Quartet (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Chevy Chase) give a silent performance punctuated by their keeling over onto one another.

Transcript

Montage

Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: Elliot Gould sings “Let Yourself Go” & “Crazy Rhythm.”

Bio: Former Broadway chorusline dancer Elliot Gould (1938-) was a counterculture favorite during the late 60’s/early 70’s, thanks to performances in films like “MASH” and “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.” He was one of SNL’s most frequent hosts during the 70’s. Gould was also married to Barbara Streisand.

Also Appeared: 75v, 76s, 78i, 79k, 80a.

Transcript

Gilda & Elliot ISummary: Gilda Radner joins Elliot Gould on stage to tell him that she had a nice time with him last night.

Transcript

Try-Hard 1-11Summary: A battery strong enough to run a pacemaker all night.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/75.

Interior DemolitionistsSummary: A housewife (Jane Curtin) is startled when demolitionists (Elliot Gould, Chevy Chase) show up at her door and proceed to wreck the house from the inside.

Transcript

Godfather Group TherapySummary: With help from his therapist (Elliot Gould), mafia kingpin Don Vito Coreleone (John Belushi) relates his problems to Sherry (Laraine Newman) and other members of his support group.

Recurring Characters: Sherry.

Transcript

ShimmerSummary: It’s a floor wax and a dessert topping!

Transcript

“Play Misty For Me”Summary: This week’s Gary Weis film shows a montage of lounge club pianists singing “Misty.”

Gilda & Elliot IISummary: Gilda Radner tells Elliot Gould that she meant everything she said to him last night.

Transcript

Anne Murray performs “Long-Distance Call”Bio: Canadian singer Anne Murray (1945-) simultaneously maintained top ten hits on country and pop charts throughout the 70’s.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: A wrong number again leads Chevy Chase to Angelo’s Pizza instead of Angola Prison. Laraine Newman reports on toxic nerve gas. Chevy Chase and his wife (Michael O’Donaghue) argue at the desk. Chevy Chase repeats the top story in double-dutch for foreign viewers.

Transcript

JamitolSummary: Chevy Chase and Michael O’Donaghue portray a married couple, whose lives have been enrichened by using the advertised product.

Note: Repeat from 10/11/75.

Killer BeesSummary: After hearing that killer bees are in the vicinity, a young couple (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner) is taken hostage by them in their home. The killer bees are in search of pollen, dismayed that there is none to be found. As the leader (Elliot Gould) of the killer bees delivers a passionate speech, the camerawork begins to turn sloppy. A frantic Lorne Michaels, SNL’s producer, traces the problem to the control room, where director Dave Wilson has passed out while operating the controls under the influence.

Bio: A veteran of live television, director Dave Wilson (1932-2002) operated the Saturday Night Live control room until the end of the show’s 20th season in 1995.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Note: Lorne Michaels appears on-camera for the first time.

Transcript

Gilda & Elliot IIISummary: Gilda Radner introduces Elliot Gould to her mother (Paula Kahn), who flew in from Florida just to meet him.

Bio: Paula Kahn (1925-) is the mother of Madeline Kahn.

Transcript

Albert Brooks FilmSummary: Albert Brooks attempts to find out how a test audience responds to his brand of comedy.

Transcript

Gilda & Elliot IVSummary: Gilda Radner asks Elliot Gould to consider marriage.

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The MuppetsSummary: Scred & Peuta hide their affair from Ploobis.

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BirthrightSummary: Doctors (Dan Aykroyd, Elliot Gould) explain their preferred birthing methods to Jane Curtin.

Anne Murray perform “Boogie With You”

Powwow With The PressSummary: Indians (Al Franken, Tom Davis) discuss white stereotyping on talk show forum.

Bio: Writers Al Franken (1951-) and Tom Davis were the only two people hired to work on “Saturday Night Live” without first meeting Lorne Michaels. The longtime comedy partners wrote manymemorable sketches, appearing regularly in unbilled bit pieces before eventually joining the cast as featured players in the fifth season. Together, they wrote and starred in the theatrical flop, “One MoreSaturday Night.” Franken’s onscreen performances increased in the late 80’s/early 90’s, but he eventually left SNL in 1995 after his request to anchor Weekend Update was turned down.

GoodnightsSummary: Gilda Radner and Elliot Gould are married before the end credit roll.

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  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Tarn-Off

Princess Grace…..Candice Bergen

Announcer: And now, her Serene Highness, Princess Grace of Monaco, for new Tarn-Off.

Princess Grace: Hi. I’m Princess Grace for Tarn-Off, Rovco’s amazing new tarnish remover. This revolutionary new product cleans fast and effectively and is safe for everything — even tarnished diamonds! With only one dunk — [ she dunks her head in the tarnish bowl ] new Tarnish eats up varnish, leaves your crown sparkling! Yes, get down between encrusted jewels without rubbing! Isn’t that amazing! And Tarn-Off cleans a sceptior before you can say — [ she dunks the sceptor ] “Let them eat cake!” Tarn-Off is ideal for family heirlooms.

[ two knights in rusty armor march forward ]

Princess Grace: Remove grit, grime, and germs from other centuries!

[ she dunks their armored gloves into the tarnish bowl ]

Knights: Ooohhh! Look how shiny!

Princess Grace: Try it! Tell your friends! Tarn-Off is used in vice regal homes all over Europe and Asia Minor. And if you order now, I’ll send you this book of spicy Mediterranean recipes!

I don’t rub, I don’t scrub. I don’t even wipe! With Rovco’s new Tarn-Off!

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  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Pong

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis

[ open on close-up of Pong screen in the middle of play ]

[ Tom Davis misses a shot, making the score 7-0 in Al Franken’s favor ]

Al Franken V/O: Tommy, did you see that?

[ Tom Davis misses a shot, making the score 8-0 in Al Franken’s favor ]

Al Franken V/O: Tommy, can you hear me?

[ “Pinball Wizard” begins to play in the background ]

[ Tom Davis misses a shot, making the score 9-0 in Al Franken’s favor ]

Al Franken V/O: Tommy, can you SEE me?

[ Tom Davis misses a shot, making the score 10-0 in Al Franken’s favor ]

Al Franken V/O: Hey, Tommy, can you see the moving dot?

[ Tom Davis misses a shot, making the score 11-0 in Al Franken’s favor ]

Al Franken V/O: You know, you may be a pinball wizard, but your Pong sure stinks!

[ fade ]

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  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Don Pardo Digital Gift Catalogue

….. Don Pardo (V/O)

[ FADE in on a photo of a man in a suit with a digital clock on his vest reading 12:48. The photo is framed in a holly wreath on a red background, with “AVAILABLE ONLY FROM THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE” written on the right side of the screen ]

Don Pardo (V/O): This digital vest is just one of the items available only through Don Pardo’s Digital Gift Catalogue. 129.95 at all outlets.

[ FADE out ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

Minute Mystery

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Mike Mendoza…..Dan Aykroyd
Lopez…..John Belushi
Winona…..Candice Bergen
Corpse…..Michael O’Donoghue

[ open on interior, parlor, close-up of bloodied corpse resting on a settee ]

Announcer: Mike Mendoza, Crime Photographer, challenges you to solve another actual case history from the files of the Mexico City Police, on tonight’s episode of: “Minute Mystery”.

[ music sting, as title appears and Mike Mendoza snaps pictures of the corpse ]

Mike Mendoza: Good! got him! See you tomorrow on the front page of the Mexico City Globe Dispatch. [ he walks past gun-toting Winona on his way out ] Hey! Wait a minute. [ turns to Winona ] Who are you? Want to play Trap the Clam?

Lopez: I’ll ask the questions around here, Mike! [ to Winona ] Who are you?!

Winona: [ coolly ] Winona Foxfire, the victim’s confidential secretary.

Lopez: [ sudden ] Do you want to play Trap the Clam?

Winona: No.

Lopez: Where were you five minutes ago?

Winona: Attending a lecture on chlorine.

Lopez: What’s your favorite color?

Winona: Shell-pink.

Lopez: What’s your second favorite color?

Winona: Robin’s egg-blue.

Lopez: What’s your pet peeve?

Winona: [ thinking ] I can’t stand a man who doesn’t have a scar.

[ music sting, as Lopez and Mike Mendoza consider this response ]

Mike Mendoza: Say, listen — I got a scar right here, where I fell off a scooter once. [ he reaches for his ankle ]

Winona: You look like you comb your hair with buttered toast!

Lopez: Heey, you want to see scars, baby? I’ve got scars all over — [ he pulls open his shirt ]

Winona: Eat my hair net, jocko!

Mike Mendoza: [ stepping away ] Minx!

Lopez: [ joins Mike ] Vixen!

Mike Mendoza: A bit sleek for my tastes.

Lopez: Yeah.

Winona: Hey, fellas — you know what realy gets me HOT? Guys who can’t solve crimes. There’s something about bumbling, dimwitted detectives that really guns my motor.

Mike Mendoza: Well, Lopez — who do you think snuffed the Professor?

Lopez: Beats me! I haven’t the vaguest idea! What about yourself?

Mike Mendoza: Ooh, you got me, pal! [ he smacks himself across the forehead ] I don’t know. Maybe our viewing and studio audience knows. I’m going to give them just 20 seconds to come up with the right answer, starting NOW!

[ Lopez fires his gun, as Mike Mendoza fixes his gaze on his watch ]

[ pan along the room to reveal clues: a desk portrait, a pair of shoes on a platter, a push mower, a seashell on a stack of books, a doll seated on a chair, “Winona did It” written in blood on the wall ]

[ a buzzer sounds ]

Mike Mendoza: Time’s up! Don Pardo, why don’t you tell folks who the murderer is?

Don Pardo V/O: I have no idea, I’m stumped!

Mike Mendoza: Me, too. I’m completely baffled.

Lopez: Totally nonplussed!

Don Pardo V/O: I do have a scar, however!

Winona: Come on, let’s get out of this dump. You can teach me how to play Stuff the Bunny.

Mike Mendoza: It’s… Trap the Clam.

Lopez: Listen, we can play them all! Stuff the Bunny, Trap the Clam…

Winona: Swallow the Swan?

Lopez: Sure! Swallow the Swan!

Mike Mendoza: I don’t think I know Swallow the Swan…

[ the three of them exit the parlor, leaving the corpse alone ]

Don Pardo V/O: Next week, see Mike tackle the mystery of the one-armed Japanese aquamaid, on… “Minute Mystery”.

[ fade ]

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  Season 1: Episode 8

75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

The Muppets

…..Candice Bergen

[ The Gorch castle set is decorated with moldy old Christmas decorations. King Ploobis is wearing a white collar and black bowtie — and no other clothes — and he’s holding a full wineglass. ]

Ploobis: Good King Ploobis thus looked out… and all he saw was… Peuta. Ahhhh, is that a mirage of beauty before me, or is it Sophia Loren? No, it’s Peuta.

[ Queen Peuta enters, also dressed in her shabby finery. ]

Peuta: Oh, thank you, darling, but isn’t everything beautiful!

Ploobis: Mmmm.

Peuta: Oh, this party will be written up in People Magazine!

Ploobis: Well, it should be. We invited the whole show.

Peuta: Yes, that’s true. Do you think we’ll have enough food?

Ploobis: Well, let’s see.

[ Ploobis takes a silver cover off a tray, to reveal a brown furry piece of food with eyes and a mouth. ]

Food: Hi, hi… Oh, sure, there’s lots of me. I’m food! Eat me, taste me, bite me, I love it!

Ploobis: Well, since the dinner has been unfortuitously delayed, I might as well here.

[ Ploobis tears off a bit of the food with his mouth. ]

Food: Good, eat me, eat me! I am what you eat! Juicy back here, spicy down here! I am a banquet!

Ploobis: Delicious, delicious!

Food: Yes, I hope the guests hurry. If I’m not fresh, I’m out of business!

[ The doorbell rings. ]

Ploobis: Mmm, I do believe I hear the first guests arriving.

Peuta: Oh!

Ploobis: And whoever it is, I can’t wait to get ’em under the mistletoe… Oh. Uhhg.

[ It’s Scred, also in collar and bowtie, waiting under the mistletoe. ]

Ploobis: Evening, Scred.

Scred: Uh, yeah. Nice to see you, Ploobis.

Ploobis: Yes, you’re looking wonderful tonight.

Scred: And I’m under the mistletoe…

Ploobis: Uhhh. You’re not looking that wonderful, Scred. Tell me, Scred — where is everybody tonight?

Scred: Oh, they’re all over at the Bees’ Christmas party!

Ploobis: The Bees’ Christmas party! They’re having a big Bee bash?

Scred: Yeah.

Ploobis: Oh. I wonder why they didn’t invite us.

Scred: Well, that might be my fault. You see, last week I overheard one of the Bees comment that you look like a factory outlet for green washcloths.

Ploobis: The nerve!

Scred: Yeah. So I told ’em, I said, “Aaah, you eat your young!” Heh heh heh.

Ploobis: You’ve got a nimble tongue, Scred.

Scred: Yeah. But then he said, “Well, I’d rather shave my legs than go to your party!” So I guess that’s when he made up his mind to have his own party.

Ploobis: Well, it won’t be nearly as much fun as ours.

Scred: Yeah. And it’ll sure teach him to mind his own beeswax, anyway.

[ The doorbell rings. ]

Ploobis: Oh! Who’s this…

[ Vazh and Wisss enter, chuckling. ]

Wisss: Good party, wasn’t it?

Vazh: Hello, hello. The funniest thing just happened over at the Bees’… Somebody started playing Flight of the Bumblebee, and they all started flying around the room, with lampshades on their heads! Ha ha! Wasn’t that a riot.

Wisss: Oh, wow. It was too much.

Ploobis: Hmmm.

Wisss: Well, uh… this party certainly is the pits…

Vazh: Hmmm.

Wisss: Hey, let’s get back to the Bees’!

Vazh: Yeah, anyway, they’re about to show “The Sting”.

Wisss: Right. Um, catch ya later… c’mon, honey!

Vazh: See ya! Bye.

[ Vazh and Wisss exit. ]

Ploobis: Yeah.

[ Scred sighs. ]

Ploobis: Well.

Peuta: Well. I just remembered a great party I could probably get into if I go stag… Besides, I’ve never seen “The Sting”.

[ Peuta exits. ]

Scred: Have fun.

Ploobis: Well, Scred, it looks like it’s just you and me.

Scred: Well… Merry Christmas, boss.

[ Then Candice Bergen arrives, wearing a Merry Christmas T-shirt. ]

Candice: Hi, everybody!

Ploobis: Oh, Candy!

Candice: How are you? Am I too late for the party?

Scred: Oh, not at all! Why, since you got here, the fun’s just begun!

Candice: Oh. Well, where is everybody?

Ploobis: Oh, well, uh, they, uh…

Scred: Yeah, well, they’re socializing with insects.

Candice: Oh, at the Bees’. Well, I was just there, it’s a terrific party.

Scred: Hmmm.

Ploobis: Great.

Candice: Oh, well, I think this is wonderful. I mean, I love intimate parties… of three.

Scred: Awww…

Candice: C’mon, guys!

[ sings: ]

“Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light.”

Together:
“Next year all your troubles
Will be out of sight…
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star
Upon the highest bough.”

Scred & Candice:
“And have yourself…
A merry little Christmas… now…”

[ Candice and Scred finish the song, looking deep into each other’s eyes. Scred snuggles up to Candice. ]

Scred: Ohhh, Candice… What are you doing later?

Candice: Why?

Scred: Let’s ditch this guy and go to the Bees’ party.

[ Scred nuzzles Candice. Ploobis looks put out. ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

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