Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Breast Augmentation

Dr. Landsman…..Alec Baldwin
Miss Brennan…..Amy Poehler

[ open on interior, Dr. Landsman’s office ]

Dr. Landsman: Uh.. Miss Brennan?

Miss Brennan: Yes. Hi.

Dr. Landsman: I’m sorry to keep you waiting. I’m Dr. Landsman. Uhhh.. so, I suppose you’re here to, uh.. have some liposuction?

Miss Brennan: ..No.

Dr. Landsman: Oh! I-I’m sorry, I.. got a little ahead of myself. Won’t you sit down, please?

Miss Brennan: Oh. Okay. [ sits ] Um.. yeah..

Dr. Landsman: What can I help you with?

Miss Brennan: I’m thinking of getting a breast augmentation..

Dr. Landsman: Okay, would you stand up just for one second?

Miss Brennan: Okay. [ stands ]

Dr. Landsman: Okay. [ touches breasts ] How, uh.. how tall are you?

Miss Brennan: Uh.. I’m 5’2″. And, as you can tell, I’m an A cup, but I’d like to just go to a full B.

Dr. Landsman: Oh. I think you’ll probably want D cups.

Miss Brennan: Really? That seems too big for me..

Dr. Landsman: No, really. Trust me on this. If hyou get a B cup, you’ll just be back hee in six weeks wanting something bigger.

Miss Brennan: I-I don’t think I will – I just want it to look natural.

Dr. Landsman: [ insistent ] Of course, they’ll look natural! They’ll look more natural than what you have now! You see, beauty is about proportion. You’re very, very bottom-heavy. So, you’re going to want something to balance that out with, something like the Double D implants.

Miss Brennan: I don’t think I’m so bottom-heavy..

Dr. Landsman: Oh, you’re very bottom-heavy.

Miss Brennan: I just don’t know if I want to go that big.

Dr. Landsman: Well, let me just show you what I’m talking about. Here’s a picture of you in your bra. [ hits button on remote control, as picture of Miss Brennan in her bra appears on his computer screen ]

Miss Brennan: [ shocked ] How did you get that?!

Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, I’m a doctor. Now, through computer-imaging, I can show you what you would look like. [ clicks button,

Miss Brennan: What?! No! You know what, that’s much too much! I do not want giant stripper breasts!

Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, trust me – I have a tremendous amount of experience in this area. I shouldn’t say this, but, uh.. do you know Catherine Bell from “JAG”?

Miss Brennan: No.

Dr. Landsman: Damn! I really wanted to meet her.

Miss Brennan: What does that mean? I just don’t think that I want Double D breasts.

Dr. Landsman: Well, maybe it’s not about what you want, Miss Brennan. Maybe it’s about what society wants. And society wants you to do something to balance out that ginormous rump of yours.

Miss Brennan: What?!! That is it! That is just insulting! I am only going to stay here for a few more jokes!

Dr. Landsman: Please. Miss Brennan, calm down. Who’s the expert here?

Miss Brennan: You are.

Dr. Landsman: Who referred you to me?

Miss Brennan: I saw your ad on a bus.

Dr. Landsman: So, there you go! Let me show you the implants themselves, and you can choose. This is the teardrop Size B implant.. [ holds up normal-sized implant ]

Miss Brennan: [ touches the implant ] Hey, this is exactly what I’m looking for!

Dr. Landsman: And here’s the one I’m recommending for you. [ holds up a beach ball ]

Miss Brennan: Those are toys!

Dr. Landsman: [ smiling ] They certainly are!

Miss Brennan: This is ridiculous! I’m only standing here for one more joke, and that’s it!

Dr. Landsman: Alright.. alright. Then, how about this: we don’t use any implants, and we just take your existing breasts and mash them together and make one good one.

Miss Brennan: What?! how dare you?!

Dr. Landsman: Alright, fine.. have it your way. We’ll just go with the, uh.. teardrop-shaped size of the implants.

Miss Brennan: Thank you. You’re a very good doctor, and I’m looking forward to your performing surgery on me.

Dr. Landsman: Thank you, Miss Brennan. I’ll see you soon.

[ Miss Brennan exits ]

[ phone rings ]

Dr. Landsman: Hello? Hey, what’s up! Are you kidding, it’s going great! I can’t believe I get paid to play with hooters all day! Alright, tell Mom I’ll be home at six.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 6


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


November 15th, 2003

Alec Baldwin

Missy Elliot

None

Mike Myers
A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President George W. Bush (Darrell Hammond) unveils Iraqi’s new constitution.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Studio musicians (Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz) and a boom miker (Mike Myers) laugh excessively for Alec Baldwin and plug “Cat in the Hat.”

Also Hosted: 89r, 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 95k, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 05h, 06e.

Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.

Breast AugmentationSummary: Breast doctor (Alec Baldwin) recommends a pair of Double D’s for his female patient (Amy Poehler).

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s Ray Romano episode.

Transcript

Zinger vs. BurnsSummary: Scientists Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and Greg Burns (Alec Baldwin) vie for the best 2 out of 3 zings/burns.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Transcript

GaystrogenSummary: The pill that prevents middle-aged homosexuals from losing their gay sex drive.

Note: Repeat from 10/18/03.

The Tony Bennett ShowSummary: Tony Bennett (Alec Baldwin) welcomes acquitted millionaire Robert Durst (Fred Armisen) to the show.

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett.

Transcript

The FalconerSummary: Donald the Falcon gambles with a Las Vegas hanger-on (Alec Baldwin) while The Falconer (Will Forte) hangs upside-down.

Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

Transcript

Missy Elliot performs “Pass The Dutch”Also Appeared: 97m.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Will Forte proudly shows off his homemade semi-celebritiy sex video with Fred Armisen. Tina Fey tries to contact Christian Slater’s friend Jack Nicholson over the phone.

Transcript

Prince Charles Press ConferenceSummary: Reporters question Prince Charles’ private secretary (Alec Baldwin) about the future king’s male sex romp.

Transcript

Keen Corp PresentationSummary: Co-workers (Alec Baldwin, Amy Poehler) deliver a company presentation after having a one-night stand.

Transcript

Siegfried & RoySummary: Fully healed from his tiger attack, Roy (Alec Baldwin) is ready for more punishment.

Missy Elliot performs “Work It”

Scheinwald StudiosSummary: Brad Scheinwald (Seth Meyers) tries to take his family’s movie studio in a new direction by hiring a promising new writer (Fred Armisen), but faces resistance from his dad, Alan (Alec Baldwin), and grandfather Abe (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Gay TrainRecurring Characters: Harvey Fierstein.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Z-105 Morning Crew

Joey Mack…..Jimmy Fallon
Andrea voice…..Jimmy Fallon
Man in the Box voice…..Jimmy Fallon
Andy Roddick…..Andy Roddick
Tyrone Washington voice…..Jimmy Fallon
Sanji voice…..Jimmy Fallon

[Open with video of freeway traffic]

Joey: [radio voice – nasally and goofy] Good morning Sogradees, good morning. Joey Mack here with whole fuzz, the Man in the Box, Andrea with traffic…

Andrea: [in high voice] Watch out for traffic, I’m not going to be here guys.

Joey: All that and more, we’ll be right back.

Cut to studio – Music cue & “Z 105”

Joey: so anyway, I’m with this hot, hot fuse last night, okay. She’s got both her legs wrapped around her head, must be into yoga or something

Andrea: Oh my God you guys

Joey: Andrea, let me talk will ya? All of a sudden, her kid walks in the room, not lying folks, I get so freaked out, I accidentally slip into the wrong hole. Uh oh!

Man in the Box: [in low, gravely voice] That’s the right hole if you ask me.

Andrea: Man in the box!

Joey: Man in the box, get back in the box!

Man in the box: I’d like to get in her box

Joey: okay its 5:29 in the a.m. we’ll be right back with the morning mix. [hits “Z 105” button]

[Andy walks in]

Andy: Hey Joey Mack [offers handshake]

Joey: [in real voice] [stands up and shakes Andy’s hand] Andy Roddick, thanks so much for coming man, wow this is great.

Andy: [at the same time as shaking hands] Hey Andy, how are you

Joey: Want some coffee, Red Bull?

Andy: Naw, I’m okay.

Joey: Yeah.

Andy: [giving a questionable look] So the whole Zoo Crew fits in this little studio?

Joey: [Looking around] What, uh, yeah, yeah. This, uh, it’s truly an honor to have you here, I’m a big fan of the U.S. Open, I’m tickled pink.

Andy: Oh thanks.

Joey: You’re just awesome, you’re just great.

Andy: Hey, I just want to get the word out about this charity event that we got this weekend.

Joey: Okay that’s cool. That’ll be my first question.

Andy: Good stuff.

Joey: Put your headphones on and relax.

[both put on headsets]

Joey: Okay. [pushes “Z105 button]

[changes voice]

Joey: And we’re back! [waits for laughter] Folks, special guest with us here, Andy Roddick. Andy, first question, you ever think about bonin’ Andrea?

Andrea: You guys stop it! He’s nice

Man in the box: Andrea is trying to get some boo-knack-eee!

[Andy gives a look like “Yeah right”]

Andrea: You guys, I have a boyfriend!

Joey: Oh yeah, Andrea is trying to get some of that Rod-dick! Yeah!

Andy: Yeah, uh, that’s, uh, that’s funny. That’s original.

Joey: You must get – you must get a lot of that boo-knack-eee off that. He’s shaking his head “yes” folks. He really is.

Man in the box: BOO-KNACK-EEE!

[Andy shaking his head in disbelief]

Joey: Man in the box! Wow!

Andy: [tries to change the subject] There’s this charity event this weekend.

Joey: Yeah, we’ll get to that in a minute Andy. But first, we got another classic “Joey Mack and the Fuzz Twisted Tune”. Here’s one that Andy requested by a little group called “Smash Mouth”.

[All-star by Smash Mouth plays]

Joey: [voicing over] Hey now, you’re a porn star, get your rocks off, get gay.

[hits “Z 105” button and song goes off]

Joey: [in real voice] Hilarious.

Andy: Naw, it’s great.

Joey: Thanks for coming, dude.

Andy: Yeah, no problem.

Joey: This is awesome. I love you man.

Andy: I just thought that I’d get to talk about the charity thing.

Joey: Oh yeah, yeah. I totally forgot all about that. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it right here.

Andy: Awesome, awesome!

[pushes “Z 105 button]

Joey: [radio voice] AND WE’RE BACK! [waits for laughter] 5:35 in the am. We’ve got Andy Roddick over here. Over the break, Andy was just telling me this hilarious joke. Two black guys were beating up a handicapped kid in a parking lot.

Andy: [stunned] I did not say that!

Tyrone: [angry black voice] Aw, hell no. What’d you just say?

Joey: Ah, oh. Tyrone Washington, our new weather guy is joining us. Now Tyrone hates white people, this has got to be weird.

Andy: [looks at Joey in disbelief] I never said that!

Tyrone: Hell no! You a racist Andy Roddick!

Andy: I am not a racist!

Joey: I’m staying out of this one; this is between you two guys.

Andy: Me and who? He’s not even a real person!

Joey: Why? Because he’s black?

Andy: [exasperated] Aw ga!

[laughter]

Joey: 5:35 in the am, we’ll be right back with the morning mix.

[pushes “Z 105 button]

Joey: [real voice] Hilarious! Really good.

Andy: Dude, how do you even have a show?

Joey: You’re the man. That was great. That bit you did with Tyrone, hilarious. Classic.

Andy: What bit? You made me look like a racist in front of thousands of people.

Joey: I know, it’s a great character for you.

Andy: This is ridiculous. Listen, I just want to talk about the event and get out of here.

Joey: Oh, okay, of course. Sorry.

[pushes “Z 105 button]

Joey: [radio voice] AND WE’RE BACK!!!! [waits for laughter] We’ve got Andy Roddick in the house. Andy’s got something he wants to say, really close to him. Go ahead Andy. Tell them.

Andy: Yeah thanks Joey. I just wanted to say that Sat…

[interrupted by Joey’s farting noises]

Andy: Satur…You gonna stop doing that? [farting noises continue] Saturday at Corbett Tennis, we’re going to be raising money for literacy. And I’d also like to add that…

Joey: [finishes Andy’s sentence in Andy’s voice] …that I poop my pants.

Joey: [radio voice] Oh my God, he did!

Man in the box: Looks like chocolate pudding in his pants.

Andrea: Eww you guys!

Tyrone: Ah hell no! That white dude pooped his pants!

Joey: That is gross!

Andy: [sternly] I did not poop my pants.

Joey: Let me ask our intern Sanji, just walked in. Sanji, what did ya think of that?

Sanji: [in middle-eastern accent] Oh did you do the doo? He really did poop his pants.

[Andy takes off his headset and leaves]

Tyrone: Ah hell no! That’s nasty. Dude been eatin’ chicken neck!

Man in the box: Smells like Andrea’s boyfriend’s finger!

Andrea: Man in the box!

Sanji: Oh no, it smells like my village.

Joey: Andy honestly, [laughter] did you poop your pants or what?

Joey: [sounding like Andy] I did. I totally pooped my pants. It’s the coolest thing to do, ever. Everyone’s pooping their pants.

Joey: Andy Roddick pooped his pants, its 5:38 in the am.

Joey: [sounding like Andy] Hey could you play that song about me?

Joey: Sure Andy, no problem

[I like big butts by Sir MixALot plays]

Joey: [voices over song] I like dude’s butts and I cannot lie, I like to do it with guys, I like to unzip my fly…

[Andy runs back in]

Andy: TELL THEM I DID NOT POOP MY PANTS, I DID NOT POOP MY PANTS! TELL THEM!

[Joey hits “Z 105” button and takes off headset]

Joey: [mouthed to Andy] Great! Sorry.

[Andy runs off stage to next skit as scene fades]

Submitted by: Richie Hoseney

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Tim Calhoun…..Will Forte
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

In the ‘Rock the Boat Presidential Debate” Tuesday night, Democratic presidential candidates Howard Dean, John Edwards, and John Kerry admitted that they had smoked marijuana. While Dennis Kucinich admitted that he was “High right now.”

Barbara Walters announced the finalists to replace Lisa Ling as co-host of “The View”. They are Rachel Campos from “The Real World”, Elizabeth Hasselbeck from “Survivor 2”, and a machine that gives people splitting headaches.

Jimmy Fallon: In a speech Thursday, President Bush urged countries to modernize in caution because “Modernization is not the same as Westernazation”. Then, mentally exhausted, he collapsed into a chair.

This week, Larry King interviewed David Blaine about his recent stunt, spending forty-five days in a plexi-glass box. Viewers witnessed the sight of a haggard man, who appeared near death, plus some footage of David Blaine.

Tina Fey: CBS cancelled its mini-series on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called, “historical inaccuracies”. The RNC also objected to the network’s unflattering portrayal of George W. Bush, until they realized it was just a live press conference.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, this week, the Democratic candidates for president squared off in a televised debate. In the interest of equal time, please welcome independent candidate for president, Tim Calhoun, everybody.

Tim Calhoun: I am Tim Calhoun, and I am running for candidate for president for America. My candidacy is based on honesty, so there are a few things about me you should know.

(pauses to look at his cards)

I’ve been in jail. It’s not important how many times, but if you must know, let’s see, one….two…thirty-one times.

(pauses again to change cards)

There are times when I’m not gay at all. But then, there are other times, I’m so gay, it more than makes up for it.

(pauses to change cards)

Here’s where I stand on the issues: I’m glad that drunk driving is illegal. When I’m drunk, I drive like crap!

(pauses to change cards)

I propose, that for scientific testing purposes, we breed a type of midget even smaller than the normal midget. We can call them, “Shetland Midgets”.

(pauses to switch cards. Much longer hesitation)

There’s nothing on this card.

(pauses again to switch cards)

In conclusion, and in summary, read my lips: (lip-synchs a few sentences quickly) I think that says it all. Vote for me, Tim Calhoun, for candidate for president for America for goodbye!

(exits)

Jimmy Fallon: Tim Calhoun, everybody! Tim Calhoun for president!

Tina Fey: Good luck Tim.

According to a new study, seventy-three percent of women are ashamed of their own vaginas. And from what I’ve seen, they should be. (pause) The study also showed that twenty four percent of women haven’t even looked at their vaginas in a year or more, only that’s because Colin Farrell’s head is always in the way.

Jimmy Fallon: A leading obesity researcher has developed a theory that obesity in humans may be linked to a virus…a delicious, cream-filled virus.

Kenyan runners swept the top three spots in Sunday’s New York City Marathon. However, the top three spots in the Kenyan Marathon were swept by Ed Koch, George Stienbrenner, and Woody Allen.

Tina Fey: Researchers have reported that cats and ferrets can carry the SARS virus. As a result, tonight’s orgy at Richard Gere’s house has been cancelled.

Jimmy Fallon: (adlibs) That’s like a public service announcement.

Congratulations to David Letterman, who became a father Monday, when his girlfriend gave birth to their son, Harry Joseph Letterman. And yes, it floats.

A hunter in France who kept a loaded shotgun in the back seat of his car was shot, when one of his dogs stepped on the trigger. It appeared to be an accident, but the man swears that just before the gun went off, his dog said, “Fetch this, motherf-(gun shot sound)”

Tina Fey: The last of the famous Redbird subway cars was taken out of service in New York Monday. The cars were called ‘Redbird” for the fact that they were painted red, and smelled like a bird had crapped itself to death inside them!

Jimmy Fallon: Rosie O’Donnell testified this week in her legal battle with the publishers of “Rosie” magazine. Witnesses so far have portrayed Rosie as difficult and controlling, which raises the question: Who is the real Rosie O’Donnell? (glances off screen and smiles) The queen of nice talk show hosts, (begins to laugh) or the- wait for it.(pauses) Or the abusive tyrant? Now here to make her case on national television is Rosie O’Donnell, ladies and gentlemen.

Rosie O’Donnell: (sits with right profile facing Jimmy. Dressed as talk show host Rosie) Thank you, Jimmy. You’re a cutie-petutie!! (pinches his cheek) Yeah!!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I guess so. Hey, Rosie, we keep hearing this terrible things about you. That you’re always screaming and yelling. (Jimmy absolutely cracks up and is unable to finish the next couple of sentences) That’s not true, right?

Rosie O’Donnell: Jimmy, you know me, I’m loud, I talk loud, I sing loud! Hey! You wanna sing one of my songs together?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure!

Tina Fey: Wait, wait, before you sing, what about the accusation, Rosie, that you told a woman with cancer that that’s what happens to people who lie- they get cancer?

(Rosie spins to her left profile facing Tina. She has a short haircut and is wearing a denim button up shirt. She is also much more angry and aggressive.)

Rosie O’Donnell: Do not interrupt me, Tina Fey!! You know what happens to people who interrupt Tina? People who interrupt get the Ebola Virus!!

Tina Fey: They do?

Rosie O’Donnell: Yes! And people who talk smart get shin-splints! Now quit sluttin’ it up around here and go get me a box of Ring Dings, four eyes!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey Rosie, how’s your new musical going?

(Rosie spins back to her right profile to face Jimmy, going back to nice talk show host Rosie)

Rosie O’Donnell: It’s fantastic, Jimmy- Jimmy Gum Drops! I’m producing a new Broadway musical called, “Taboo”. And if you look under your chair, you’ll find the cast CD of it!

Jimmy Fallon: Really?

(Jimmy and Tina both look under their chairs, but only Jimmy gets a CD)

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! Thanks Rosie, you’re the best!

Tina Fey: But there’s nothing under my chair, Rosie

(Rosie spins back to her left, devilish profile and backhands Tina in the face)

Rosie O’Donnell: Shut ya f’in mouth, Tina Fey! What? You think I’m gonna be nice to you ’cause we’re both lesbians?!

Tina Fey: I’m just saying, I thought you’d be…

Rosie O’Donnell: Shut up! Where’s my cheesy breads?

Tina Fey: What? I didn’t know you wanted cheesy bread.

Rosie O’Donnell: I always want cheesy bread!

Jimmy Fallon: Here Rosie, have some of my cheesy bread.

(Rosie spins back to her nice side)

Rosie O’Donnell: Thank you, Jimmy! You’re a sweety-petutie-doodie-doodie! I’m gonna buy you a PT Cruiser!

Jimmy Fallon: Awesome! Awesome! You’re my favorite!

(Rosie breaks out in song- ‘Don’t’ go Breakin’ my Heart’)

Rosie O’Donnell: Don’t go breakin my heart!

Jimmy Fallon: I couldn’t if I tried!

Tina Fey: Alright, forget this, Rosie O’Donnell, everybody…

(Rosie completely loses it and takes out Tina Fey in her chair off-screen)

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, that was Tina Fey, and I’m Jimmy Fallon, goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Blake B.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Action News 13

Kendall Brown…..Will Forte
Teesa Collins…..Maya Rudolph
Jim Shepherd…..Andy Roddick

Announcer: And now for Southern Cali’s most-watched newscast – Action News 13, with Kendall Brown and Teesa Collins.

[ Kendall & Teesa wait in the studio to begin the broadcast, but the music cue takes its time wrapping up ]

Kendall Brown: Good evening —

[ the music cue pots up high again, as they continue to wait it out ]

[ the music finally drowns itself out ]

Teesa Collins: Good evening, I’m —

[ a different version of the music cue starts up again, then fades ]

Kendall Brown: A rash of car thefts —

[ yet another music cue pots up again ]

[ that music cue is interrupted by a Breaking News logo, complete with its own extended music cue ]

Announcer: This is an Action News 13 Breaking News report, with Action News 13 breaking news correspondent.. Jim Shepherd.

[ cut to Jim Shepherd standing in front of Northfield Arena ]

Jim Shepherd: Ken?! Teesa?!

[ split-screen of the two locations are shown, overlapping with their two distinct musical cues ]

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Ken?!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Teesa?!

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Can you hear me?!

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Teesa?!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: Okay! I’m just gonna do this thing!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: I’m standing outside the Northfield Arena, where, earlier tonight, as Bachman-Turner Overdrive played a memorable set at the annual Rockvember Music Festival, the rocking vibrations caused a water main to burst, flooding North County! Let’s take a look!

[ three-way split screen shows the studio, location shoot, and archive footage of Bachman-Turner Overdrive singing “Taking Care of Business” ]

Jim Shepherd: This — This is what the scene looked like tonight —

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: — before the flood!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Jim Shepherd: As you can see, BTO had generated quite a bit of electricity. But, check out what happened moments ago:

Teesa Collins: Jim?!

[ four-way split-screen shows the studio, location shoot, BTO footage, and color bars with “Please Stand By” written over them ]

Jim Shepherd: I guess we don’t have a picture on that! Ken?! Teesa?!

Kendall Brown: Jim?!

Teesa Collins: I think we lost the feed! Do we have the feed?!

[ all the different musical cues finally come to a collective close ]

Kendall Brown: Oh.. ah.. it seems like we had some problems there.. but it looks like we’re back in business!

[ the different musical cues pot right back up again, drowning Jim & Teesa out completely ]

Teesa Collins: Stay tuned for details on the President’s visit to South Cali! We’ll be right back!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Merv The Perv

Maya…..Maya Rudolph
Rachel…..Rachel Dratch
Amy…..Amy Poehler
Gynecologist…..Andy Roddick
Merv The Perv…..Chris Parnell

[ open on interior, gynecologist’s office ]

Rachel: Ugh! I hate going to the gynecologist.

Amy: Wait. You’ve never been to see Dr. Filmore?

Rachel: Why.. i-is he good?

Amy: Who cares. Wait until you see him! [ chuckles ]

[ Gynecologist enters waiting room ]

Gynecologist: Wow! My patients just get more and more beautiful every day!

[ all the women in the room giggle ]

Gynecologist: Miss Reynolds? We’re ready for you. [ exits into his office ]

Rachel: That’s Dr. Filmore?

Amy: Uh, yeah! [ laughs ]

[ Merv the Perv enters the waiting room ]

Merv the Perv: Well, well, well! Lookie here! All these skirts, and me with only one weiner! How we doing, ladies? The name’s Mervin Watson. But you call me Merv The Perv. Or, just call me Merv. Or, just call me – as in any time. [ looks to the camera and pants ]

[ cut to animated theme slide of an attractive woman. Merv The Perv appears on her shoulder ]

Merv the Perv V/O: Hey, ladies. It’s that time. [ jumps into the woman’s cleavage, poking his head out playfully ] You know me. You love me. [ falls through the woman’s body and exits between her legs to the floor ] It’s time.. for “Merv The Perv”. Starring me – Mervin Watson.

[ dissolve back to the waiting room ]

Maya: Eugh. I think you’re in the wrong place, Merv?

Merv the Perv: Hmm.. maybe it’s time to get in the right place – ie. your pants.

Rachel: You do realize you’re in a gynecologist’s office?

Merv the Perv: Gynecologist’s office? Hey! That’s what it says on the side of my van! Now, which one of you tasty chicks needs a ride to my place down by the quarry? [ eyes an elderly lady ] How about you, old-timer?

Amy: Look. Why don’t you get out of this office, and leave us alone?

Merv the Perv: Or, why don’t I get in to your orifice.. and leave you a bone?

[ Gynecologist and patient re-enter waiting room ]

Gynecologist: Barbara, it was delightful tyo see you as always. Ladies, quick survey: How does my butt look in these pants? [ touches his own butt ]

[ all the ladies lean in for a closer look, while expressing their excitement ]

Gynecologist: Oh, go on! you guys are too nice! You would not even want to see me in a pair of running shorts, though!

[ with wild chatter, all the women in the waiting room express their disagreement ]

Gynecologist: Miss ?? , are you ready? Ohhhh, I hope I don’t get my heart broken today!

[ Merv re-enters, his pants missing and briefs exposed ]

Merv the Perv: Now, ladies, be honest! What do you think of my briefs? Do they make my butt look big? Or, more importantly, do they make something else look big? And, specific, I’m referring to my wee-wee.

Maya: Gross.

Amy: Yeah. Get out of here, you creep!

Merv the Perv: Actually, I’m a perv – Merv the Perv. In the flesh. And, if you play your cards right – in your flesh.

Rachel: You’re a pig!

Merv the Perv: That’s right. Try me – Merv. The other white meat. [ puts his finger to his nose ] Oink oink!

Amy: Look, we are not interested! Don’t you get it?!

Merv the Perv: Not as often as I’d like. But, you know what I did get? The Lane Bryant catalogue, out of my neighbor’s mailbox – yank you very much!

Rachel: Okay, this is sexual harrassment!

Merv the Perv: You’re damn right it’s sexual!

Amy: Ugh! This guy’s a clown!

Merv the Perv: [ makes circus sound effects ] Do me.

Maya: Keep dreaming.

Merv the Perv: Oh, I have a dream, my Nubian princess. It involves you losing that top, so those two children can breathe the fresh air of freedom.

Maya: I will break every bone in your body.

Merv the Perv: I’d like to break in your bod with my boney!

[ Gynecologist re-enters waiting room, missing his shirt ]

Gynecologist: I’m sorry, ladies.. I seem to have spilled coffee on my shirt. I-I gotta go home and change.

[ the women express that they don’t mind at all ]

Gynecologist: Don’t worry – Merv, here, is gonna cover for me!

Merv the Perv: Mmm.

Amy: Wait. You guys know each other?

Gynecologist: Yeah, he’s my brother-in-law. And, to be honest, he happens to be one fine gynecologist. Since I’m going home, he’s gonna be the one to check out your hoo-hahs! Enjoy.

Merv the Perv: Well, alright, ladies! What do you say we start turning those uteruses into meteruses?

Amy: Oh, Merv.

Merv the Perv: That’s Merv.. the Perv!

[ cartoon cutout circle surround Merv ]

Merv the Perv: [ smirks at the camera ] You know you want it!

[ SUPER: “Based on the comedy of Mervin Watson” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph
1992 Andre Agassi…..Seth Meyers
Andre Agassi…..Andy Roddick
Future Andre Agassi…..Will Forte

Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!

Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi. I’m Scott Joplin.. the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love professional tennis. That’s why I host this show.. every week. Today, I’m especially thrilled, because I have with me three of the greatest tennis players of all time.

Our first guest: eight-time grand slam winner – please welcome Andre Agassi. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Agassi (with shaved head) enters and sits ]

Our next guest has just won his first Wimbledon – please welcome Andre Agassi from the year 1992. [ plays ragtime on the piano as 1992 Agassi ( with blond mullet and earring) enters and sits ]

And our final guest: tennis Hall-of-Famer and Ambassador to Neptune – Andre Agassi of the future. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Future Agassi (in futuristic silver clothing and long hair) enters and sits ]

Let’s start with you, ’92 Agassi. What’s new with you?

1992 Andre Agassi: [ chuckles ] Well, things are pretty great! I just won Wimbledon.. I’m dating Brooke Shields.. and I’m doing these pretty awesome commercials for Canon Cameras!

Scott Joplin: That’s great. By the way, Patrick Swayze called – he wants his hair back. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] How about you, Present-Day Andre Agassi – what’s going on with you?

Andre Agassi: I’m really excited. I just had a second baby with my wife, Steffi Graf.

1992 Andre Agassi: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. what, what, what?! I did what?! I was dating Brooke Shields! What happened to Brooke Shields?!

Scott Joplin: Yeah, what happened to Brooke Shields? I don’t know. Maybe she got beyond bored-a you and that cat on your head! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] What about you, Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: Well, first of all, I’m back with Brooke Shields – and her sex clone.

1992 Andre Agassi: Ye-es!

[ 1992 Agassi and Future Agassi high-five one another ]

1992 Andre Agassi: [ to Present-Day Agassi ] Suck it!

Future Andre Agassi: Also, I just returned victorious from the Great Space War. [ swings his futuristic racquet back and forth, to space sound effects ] Yes, the world’s a very different place, in 2008!

Scott Joplin: Hey, Mullet Agassi – I’m looking at Future Agassi, and you still look like the freak! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Andre Agassi: Joplin, I don’t appreciate you picking on the ’92 me! I-I was just a kid..

1992 Andre Agassi: I don’t need your help, Old Man! Plus, I’m still mad about you screwing up the whole Brooke Shields thing!

Andre Agassi: Hey, remind me.. [ chuckles ] Wasn’t it you who was hoking up with Barbara Streisand? I mean, come on! Barbara Streisand!

Future Andre Agassi: [ in a serious tone ] That’s no way to talk about the President of the United States!

Scott Joplin: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. whose show is this? Mine? Or the Ghosts of Bad Hair Past, Bad Hair Present, and Bad Hair Future? [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] One final question: the Number One player in the world is Andy Roddick. What do you think of him? ’92 Agassi?

1992 Andre Agassi: Never heard of him.

Scott Joplin: How about you, Present-Day Agassi?

Andre Agassi: Nah, he’s okay.. if you like pretty boys.

Scott Joplin: Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: I’ll never forget what he did for our country. [ stands to yell ] Rod-diiiiiiiickkk!!

Scott Joplin: Ugh. This is worse than the time our guests were Closeted Martina Navritalova, Gay Martina Navritalova, and Mr. Martina Navritalova. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling.. Scott Joplin.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Goodnights

…..Andy Roddick

Andy Roddick: Alright! Maybe thanks to John McEnroe, Dave Matthew, Trey Anastasio! The cast, crew, and Lorne Michaels! Hi, Mom! We’re out, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Cryogenix

Man #1…..Chris Parnell
Woman #1…..Maya Rudolph
Woman #2…..Amy Poehler
Man #2…..Seth Meyers
Man #3…..Jeff Richards

Man #1: When my doctor first told me about my condition.. I was devestated. Especially when I heard that a cure was only ten years away.

Woman #1: When I first heard about it, I’ll admit – I was skeptical. But, now.. I think it’s my only option.

Announcer: Cryogenix. Your body is frozen, and stored in a Cryogrenic chamber for up to one hundred years.

Woman #2: When my doctor told me about Cryogenix, I thought he was crazy. But if, years from now, they find a cure for lactose intolerance, I don’t want to miss that party!

Announcer: Ask your doctor if Cryogenix is right for you.

Man #2: Trust me – no guy wants to go bald. And, in a hundred years.. I won’t have to.

Announcer: Once your body is frozen, your blood is drained, and replaced with liquid nitrogen.

Man #3: People tell me I have terrible halitosis. I’m sure there’ll be a cure for it some day..

Announcer: Your head is then severed from your body, and placed in a vacuum-sealed chamber, to preserve your delicate brain tissue.

Woman #1: I bet there’ll be a better weight loss pill in the future.

Announcer: Ask your doctor about Cryogenix. Because there’s a cure for everything – in the future.

Man #1: Hey. If it’s good enough for Ted Williams.. it’s good enough for me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Battle of the Sexes II

Venus Williams…..Finesse Mitchell
Serena Williams…..Kenan Thompson
Billie Jean King…..Fred Armisen
…..Andy Roddick
Bud Collins…..Darrell Hammond
…..John McEnroe
…..Man

[open on event hall exterior with placard: International Tennis Hall of Fame]

[dissolve to interior with podium, and Williams sisters in evening gowns]

Venus Williams: And so, that is why my sister Serena [gestures towards Serena, accidentally touching her breast] and I–Ooh, sorry hon–are here tonight to honor a woman whose historic battle of the sexes match against Bobby Riggs made her one of the most important pioneers in women’s tennis.

Serena Williams: Yes.

Venus Williams: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Billie Jean King!

[Williams sisters step down from poidum and Billie Jean King steps up]

Billie Jean King: Thank you, thank you, thank you. [suddenly louder and harsher] All right, enough! It’s true that we are here to honor the thirtieth anniversary of me crushing Bobby Riggs in the Battle of the Sexes and what that did for women’s tennis. That is why today I am officially announcing the Battle of the Sexes II! [pounds twice on the podium] I hereby challenge the number one men’s tennis player in the world, Andy Roddick, to a best of three sets tennis match, and I intend to win. Now where’s Roddick? Bring him on.

[Andy Roddick stands from his seat at the head table]

Andy Roddick: I’m sorry, Miss King, did you say you wanted to play me?

Billie Jean King: What’s the matter, Roddick, you chicken? Roddick’s a little chicken. You gonna go home to your mommy and cry? [makes crying sounds followed by chicken sounds]

Andy Roddick: I’m not a chicken. Listen, why how about you play Jimmy Connors? That might be a bit fairer.

Billie Jean King: Yeah, no dice, Clay Aiken. Me and Connors had a little thing at the ’74 Wimbledon after-party. Things got awkward. It’s a whole deal. Anyway, the point is this: You and me, sundown, Arthur Ashe Stadium, be there.

Andy Roddick: I guess I have no choice.

Billie Jean King: Yeah, you don’t!

[dissolve to exterior of Arthur Ashe Statium with banner: “Battle of the Sexes II”]

[dissolve to Bud Collins and John McEnroe at a commentator’s table]

Bud Collins: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Arthur Ashe Stadium, site of Battle of the Sexes II. I’m Bud Collins. With me as always, John McEnroe. John, what do you think?

John McEnroe: Well, Bud, I think this is probably one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard in my life. You get Andy Roddick, [dissolve to Roddick on the court, stretching in a standard manner, with title: “Andy Roddick, #1 world ranking”] men’s number one, twenty one years old, world record holder for fastest serve at 149 miles per hour. And on the other side you got Billie Jean King, [dissolve to Billie Jean King doing jumping jacks and turning around in circles, with title: “Billie Jean King, 60 year old Indigo Girl”] a sixty year old Indigo Girl with a racket. [dissolve to sportscasters] Now this can’t possibly end well.

Bud Collins: Well said, my friend. Simply a terrible, terrible idea. Looks like the two are meeting at center court.

[dissolve to center court with Billie Jean King, Andy Roddick, and a man with a coin]

Man: Call it. [flips coin]

Andy Roddick: Heads.

[man catches coin, flips it onto the back of his hand, turns to Andy Roddick, and nods]

Andy Roddick: Miss King, we really don’t have to do this.

Billie Jean King: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, we’re doing this.

[the players take their positions on opposite sides of the court]

[Andy Roddick serves to Billie Jean King, who flinches away from the ball]

Billie Jean King: Is that all you got? Come on! My ninety eight year old grandmother could do better than that!

[Andy Roddick serves again, and it hits Billie Jean King on the butt]

Billie Jean King: Aaaaah! What the F, man?! You can’t just–you gotta tell me!

[Andy Roddick serves again, and it hits Billie Jean King]

[instrumental music starts: “Eye of the Tiger”]

Billie Jean King: Let’s see how you handle my spin serve! [serves to Andy Roddick]

[Andy Roddick returns it handily, and Billie Jean King holds up her racket in shock to find a smoking, tennis ball sized hole in it]

[teenaged girls in the audience cheer]

[Andy Roddick serves, and then Billie Jean King races around the court, grunting and clearly becoming exhausted, while Andy returns three volleys while reading a magazine, and three more while sitting in a lounge chair and enjoying a drink with a pink umbrella in it, until the ball bounces past Billie Jean King]

Billie Jean King: That was out!

[music ends]

[dissolve to score card: “Battle of the Sexes II,” showing that Andy Roddick has beaten Billie Jean King 6-0 in the first six sets and leads her 5-0 in the seventh]

[dissolve to sportscasters]

Bud Collins: Well, we’ve arrived at what we hope will be the match point.

John McEnroe: There’s not much to say, Bud, except for this was just a really horrible idea all-around.

Bud Collins: Andy Roddick, serving for match.

[dissolve to tennis court]

Billie Jean King: Come on, wussy! I’m wearing you down!

[Andy Roddick serves]

Andy Roddick: Sorry! Sorry.

[dissolve to sportscasters]

Bud Collins: Oh-ho, oh-ho!

John McEnroe: That looked like it hurt.

Bud Collins: Well, that should do it. Andy Roddick soundly defeats a sixty year old Billie Jean King.

John McEnroe: This is just embarassing for everyone involved.

Bud Collins: Oh, and here she comes. [Billie Jean King arrives with a tennis ball embedded in her forehead] Let’s see if we can get a word in. Miss King, how do you feel?

Billie Jean King: I think I played a pretty good game. He had some bounces go his way, and what can you do. Make no mistake, though, this isn’t the last you’ve seen of BJK. Watch your back, Roddick, I’m comin’ for ya!

Bud Collins: All right, Billie Jean King. There you have it. Andy Roddick simply humiliates Billie Jean King in seven straight sets. Anything to add, John McEnroe?

John McEnroe: Well, you know, at first, I kind of felt bad for her. Now I feel like she deserved it. Fricking hopeless, this match!

Bud Collins: For John McEnroe, Bud Collins. See you tomorrow.

[dissolve to pan across cheering crowd]

[dissolve to tennis court with title: “Battle of the Sexes II”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts