Month: October 2018

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Maureen…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Photographer…..Amy Poehler
Frank…..Horatio Sanz
Teacher…..Tina Fey

Sully: Hey, Tommy! Tommy, is it on? What’s up? This is Pat Sullivan at the Lexington High School Fall Formal! My boy Tommy and I are officially covering it for our video yearbook. I am sporting my signature cream-colored tux, as well as the top hat I bought last summer at Hats in the Belfry in Quincy, Mahkets. David Lee Roth, eat yah heart out!

[ Denise enters scene ]

Denise: Oh, my Gahd! Sully, I scoped it out! Apparently, your $35 gets you chips, pretzels and English muffin pizzas. Four-star cuisine? I beg to differ!

Sully: Luckily, Denise and I bring a party with us wherever we go!

Denise: Oh, yeah! These are my own creation. Zazoo’s famous Sharks-in-a-Blanket. Simply soak an everyday hot dog bun in Vodka, and enjoy!

Sully: To passersby, you appear to be simply eating a bag of hot dog buns.

Denise: Yeah! This near-perfect food coats your stomach as it inebriates.

Sully: My girl is a genius! Denise, you are a vision of juggery. Tell the video yearbook who you are wearing.

Denise: Alright, this is a two-tone acetate creation, that was purchased during a rare, yet torturous, mother-daughter shopping spree at Brisbon’s.

Sully: May I say, that dress is gonna look wicked good crumpled up on the soccer field behind the junior high!

Denise: You ah so retahded!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]

[ Maureen enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd! Denise, I have an emergency, I am totally freaking out!

Sully: What a shockah.

Denise: Calm down, Mo. Settle, settle!

Sully: Denise’s best friend, Maureen. While she is empirically hot, she is more dramatic than a hospital scene in a Mexican soap opera.

Denise: Unload yah problems on Dr. Zazoo. Zazoo!

Maureen: I just felt so wicked guilty, Denise. I nevah should have come here tonight without Scottie.

Denise: Oh, my Gahd. Maureen is unaccompanied tonight because her long-time boyfriend Scottie is in federal custody for mailing a parcel of baking powder to Mr. Mirge.

Sully: Although Mirge is in perfect health, the authorities did detect trace amounts of brown spores in his jahkey shorts!

Maureen: Scottie Donovan has no link to the Al-Quaida network, and it will be proven so in a court of lawh! [ crying ] Oh, my Gahd.. Scottie is such a sweethaht, and I’m so totally about to cheat on him with Shane DeSalvo!

Denise: Maureen, you can survive one night by yourself! Come on!

Sully: When Denise went to Regionals for softball, I busied myself with other prahjects. Sometimes I busied myself four or five times a day. On one occasion, my mother caught me busying myself to a particularly fetching photo of Sela Wahd on the cover of “Redbook”.

Maureen: Eugh!

Denise: You ah so gross!

Sully: You ah! [ they make out ]

Maureen: Denise, I’m not as strong as you! Scottie is the mirror which reflects my self-esteem, and without his loving gaze, I am all but forced to turn to the waiting arms and probing tongue of Mr. Shane DeSalvo.

Denise: Maureen, you gotta be yah own person!

Sully: Hey, Tommy, get a shot of this! I can make her ahm look like a butt! [ folds her arm over to demonstrate ]

Denise: Look, Maureen, you gotta respect yourself before anybody else is gonna respect you.

Maureen: Zazoo, you ah so smaht. I’m gonna go under the bleachers and tell Shane no.

Denise: Alright. Good girl.

[ Maureen exits ]

Sully: Crisis averted. Now, no formal would be complete without professional quality photos to preserve your memories and her mammories.

Denise: Shut up!

Sully: You shut up! [ they make out as he carries her to the backdrop ] This year’s theme is Crisp Autumn Nights/United We Party. So the Mirecker Photo Company has provided a backdrop of both fall foliage and a picture of Congress.

Photographer: Oh, my Gahd! Oh, hi, how are you kids, you look gorgeous. How about it, huh? Tie me a life, right?

Denise: Yeah..

Photographer: Alright. Put your ahms around her, alright, great. I want you to cock your head a little bit to the left, alright? I need ya to cock it. Alight? Give me a little more cock, I need a little bit more cock.

Sully: Tommy, are you getting this!

[ Tommy nods ]

Photographer: Alright, over here, now. Here’s a birdie, watch her. [ snaps picture ] Good, alright, you’re on.

Sully: Hold on, uh.. I gotta get a shot with my other escort for the evening. [ turns around to reveal “Nomar 5” painted on his tux ] Nomar!! Nomar, baby!!

Denise: Oh, my Gahd, Sully, you’re gonna lose your deposit!

Sully: Nuh-uh! I’m gonna dye the tux black before I return it.

Denise: Oh, good thinking.

Sully: Yeah.

[ Maureen re-enters scene ]

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd, Denise, I’m having a conniption! Frank offered me a sip of his drink, and it turns out he crushed up his cat’s asthma medicine and mixed it with Sunny D! I feel kinda dizzy! Oh, my Gahd, am I gonna die!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No!

Maureen: Oh, my Gahd!

Denise: No! Seriously, Mo, cut the hystrionics, you’re not gonna perish!

Sully: Nothing to worry about. Frank’s been eating cat pills for years. The only side effect is super-human night vision.

[ Frank enters scene ]

Frank: Hey, Maureen. I can see through your dress.

Maureen: I swear to Gahd, Frank. When the FBI releases Scottie, he is gonna kick your ass so hard!

Frank: Nuh-uh. I can see through a door, I would know if he was coming. And I’d be waiting for him with my nunchucks!

Denise: [ looking ] Oh, my Gahd! Hide the contraband! Here comes Ms. Polaski!

[ Teacher enters ]

Teacher: Hey, whaddaya got there, hot dog buns?! Yeah, I’m on to you, Sullivan! Your wet buns better have a weiner in them!

Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy nods ]

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Mrs. Attebury

Mrs. Ginger Attebury…..Ana Gasteyer
Mr. Leslie Attebury…..Will Ferrell
Kathy Winthrop…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Kurt al-Darwis…..Chris Kattan

Mrs. Attebury: I don’t know what possessed you to wear white socks, Leslie. You look like a bus driver.

Mr. Attebury: No one is going to be looking at my feet, Ginger.

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, didn’t Margarita leave you any dark socks?

Mr. Attebury: Well, I’d like to thank you for berating me right before my birthday party.

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, look! Here’s Kathy Winthrop! Hi, Kathy!

(Enter Kathy Winthrop)

Kathy: Hi! How are you? Oh, if it isn’t the birthday boy himself!

Mrs. Attebury: Well, at least he was two months ago. I mean, I had to postpone this whole shindig like up-teen times. First that terrorist business, and if that wasn’t enough, Minolo, my pastry chef, gets run over by a bicycle.

Mr. Attebury: I never said I wanted a party, Ginger.

Kathy: I mean, can the international news be more inconvenient these days? I mean, this whole war thing is like, too much. Don’t you just love it?

Mrs. Attebury: I can’t stand it! I mean, you don’t have to tell me. I mean, I had to move this whole affair over to the club at the last minute. We received a suspicious package from Sotheby’s. So, I had to truck in a whole haz-mat squad to decontaminate the entire house. I mean, you just can’t take any chances. You just can’t.

Kathy: I know. People seem to just be going crazy. I heard that Charlie McCatcher and his wife started experiencing double vision at the same time. They immediately go to the doctor, assuming they have the anthrax. Turns out it was only their cook, who had been trying to poison them. Isn’t that just dreadful? I mean, don’t you love it?

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, that is just deluxe! I love it! I mean, people are just so skiddish these days. It seems like everyone is just overreacting.

Mr. Attebury: You mean like sending an entire haz-mat team over to the house?

Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. It’s just too much. You know who is really overreacting is those postal workers.

Kathy: Yeah! I mean, talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Mr. Attebury: I’m going to the bar. (Walks away)

Mrs. Attebury: Grab me another splash, would you darling? Now, just so you know: Leslie has invited a few friends from the office, one of whom is apparently of Persian decent.

Kathy: Oh, my! What a coincidence! I thought I had a Persian gardener for six years until I found out he was Mexican.

Mrs. Attebury: Well, anyway. You might want to mind your p’s and q’s when it comes to the recent unpleasantness. I wouldn’t mention anything about wars, or caves, or turbans, or any of that kind of thing. Les! Oh! Les, over here!

(Mr. Attebury comes back with Kurt al-Darwis)

Mr. Attebury: Ladies, this is Kurt al-Darwis.

Kathy: Well, look at you! Without the turban, I can tell you’re one of the good ones!

Mrs. Attebury: (laughs) But seriously, I mean, you must be in a real pickle right now. I mean, who do you root for in this little tennis match? I mean, your new homeland or the folks back home in the caves?

Mr. Attebury: You’re a regular ambassador, Ginger.

Kurt: No, it’s alright. Actually, I was born in Wisconsin. My grandfather was Lebanese.

Kathy: Well, you must be familiar with some of these customs. I mean, I know your people have done some pretty horrible things, but you have to admit that they do know how to make the most wonderful rugs!

Kurt: Excuse me?

Mrs. Attebury: And I know, it’s true. Sign me up for one of those head to toe, full length numbers. I mean, believe me, the way I look some mornings I’d just rather throw one of those things on and be donw with the whole thing!

Kathy: Maybe they should start carrying those at Talbots!

Mrs. Attebury: Oh, they should! Wouldn’t that be a neat cross-cultural thing! Kurt, now do your wives have to wear those things?

Kurt: Well, actually my wife is a Methodist, so, no.

Mrs. Attebury: Now, Kurt, don’t take this the wrong way….

Mr. Attebury: I’m sure he will.

Mrs. Attebury: …But I just have to ask you, did you take a lot of gus from your family for shaving off that long beard?

Kurt: Beard? Right…

Mr. Attebury: Scotch?

Kurt: Yes, thank you!

Kathy: Now, tell me Kurt, have you taken your pilgrimage yet?

Kurt: Uh, no, actually…..

Kathy: I know personally I feel the same way about the back room at Lohman’s. It’s like my own personal little Mecca.

(Kathy and Mrs. Attebury laugh)

Kurt: Well, I think that I have a magic lamp that needs polishing. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hop on my camel and go.

(Kurt leaves)

Mrs. Attebury: Hmph! Well, now I know how Salman Rushdie must feel.

Kathy: Talk about touching!

Mrs. Attebury: I mean, wasn’t that too much?

Kathy: I know!

Mrs. Attebury: I love it!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

My Big Thick Novel

Jack Handy V/O:

Chapter 507.

By now, the lion was only a few yards behind me, and gaining fast. If I could make it to the cliff, I would jump and hope I landed in the river below. I jumped, and the lion, unable to stop, fell with me. He caught up with me in midair, and began mauling me. We splashed into the foaming river, and the lion swam over and mauled me some more. I heard the sound of the approaching waterfall. If I could only.. no.. too late. Dead.

SNL Transcripts

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Fiesta Politica

Carmelo (Announcer)…..Horatio Sanz
Rebecca…..Maya Rudolph
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Patricia Veleez…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Man with Gary, the dog…..Tracy Morgan

Carmelo: Now it’s time for Fiesta Politica with your host, Rebecca!

Rebecca: (singing and dancing surrounded by men)
“Caliente, men are hot!
Caliente, men are hot!
¿Que? Hot things are hot!
Hot, hot, hot! ¡Oy!”

Carmelo: Ooh! Rebecca!

Rebecca: Oy, gracias, Carmelo!

Carmelo: Ok!

Rebecca: Ok. Time now to get serious. This is my political talk show, where we talk about the politics. Now … let’s …. do it! Ay, ay, ay! (Sits down) Seriously now, serious, I am seriously about this. My first guest is from the politics, Donald Rumsfeld! Ay, Donald!

(Enter Donald Rumsfeld)

Donald Rumsfeld: (mumbling to self) What the hell?

Rebecca: Hola! So, Donald, you do the politics?

Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, I’m the United States Secretary of Defense. I’m touring Latin America explaining the U.S. position in the Middle East.

Rebecca: Oh, ok. Now what is like being the male secretary?

Donald Rumsfeld: (shakes head) I’m not exactly a male secretary. It’s more complex than that.

Rebecca: You know what I think is complex? Is the men. They have the nice muscles, and their beautiful fingers, and of course, their gorgeous bananas!

Carmelo: Ooh! (Stuffs a banana in his mouth) Bananas!

Donald Rumsfeld: What the hell kind of place is this?

(Doorbell rings)

Rebecca: Oy! Who is it? It’s a surprise! It’s a surprise! Come in.

(Enter Patricia Veleez)

Patricia Veleez: Hola!

Rebecca: Oh my goodness! It’s Patricia Veleez from show de television’s “Noches de Amor!” Hola, Patricia!

Patricia Veleez: Hola! I went from one TV show to a different TV show. Two TV shows. Two TV shows!

(Rebecca and Patricia scream in excitement)

Rebecca: It’s wonderful! Welcome to the show! Patricia, this is politic, Donald Rumsfeld!

Patricia Veleez: Ooh!

Donald Rumsfeld: Ladies, I think there is a misunderstanding. I was told that this was a political show.

Rebecca: Yes, we are really going to get down to the gritty nitties of the politics. But first!

(Patricia and Rebecca grab microphones and the men from earlier come back out dancing again)

Patricia Veleez: Sing!

Rebecca: Come on, Donald!

Patricia and Rebecca: (singing)
“Can you feel it?”

Donald Rumsfeld: (interrupting) What the hell?

Patricia and Rebecca: (still singing)
“Can you feel it?
I’m on fire,
Grab your coat, now,
Put it out now!”

Patricia Veleez: Ay, madre!

Carmelo: Ooh! She said “put it out!!”

Rebecca: Oh my goodness! This is the best political talk show I ever have!

Patricia Veleez: I never liked the politics, but when I sing and dance about it I feel, ooh! Ay, madre! What about you, Donald?

Donald Rumsfeld: I don’t have any idea what you are talking about, but by God, it’s refreshing!

Rebecca: Patricia, tell us about your role on “Noches de Amor.”

Patricia Veleez: I play Cristina and Pescina Morales. They are very wealthy twins, and one is evil.

Rebecca: Ok. (Whistle blows in background) Oh, no! I can’t believe this is happening!

Patricia Veleez: Ay!

Donald Rumsfeld: What’s going on?

Rebecca: Everybody, it’s Gary!

(Man comes out pushing a cart with a small chihuahua on it)

Rebecca and Patricia Veleez: Hola Gary!

Donald Rumsfeld: Hi Gary!

Carmelo: Ooh! Gary!

Man: That’s right everyone! Gary has a haircut!

Rebecca: Oh my goodness! Hola Gary! You just keep getting prettier! Oh, my baby! Oh, Gary. Adios, Gary! Bye, bye, my baby!

Donald Rumsfeld: Bye, Gary!

Patricia Veleez: Now, Donald. Tell us about the Northern Alliance’s taking of Mazar-e-Sharif!

Donald Rumsfeld: Look, why don’t you just forget Ubekistan ….. you gals are lovely, lonely, and damn, you’re fine! God bless you!

Rebecca: Come on, Donald! Here’s the fun part! Come on!
(singing)
“Fiesta Politica! Fiesta Politica!”

Donald Rumsfeld: What?

Rebecca: I love it! Thank you so much for joining!

(Rumsfeld dances with Gary as Patricia and Rebecca sing)

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future I

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Voice of Don Pardo: America, Election Day fast approaches, and withthe Presidential Race still too close to call, “Saturday Night Live” wouldlike to present “A Glimpse of our Possible Future”.

[ open on Scenario I ]

Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:George W. Bush.

[ open on the Oval Office – beer cans on desk, socks hung on the lamp, abarbecue grill burning on his desk ]

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President, get out there!

President George W. Bush: [ from under his desk ] No! No, you can’t make me!You’re gonna yell at me again!

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President!

President George W. Bush: [ peeks out from under his desk ] No! I don’t want to goout, it’s too hard!

Voice of Advisor: You’re on, Sir!

President George W. Bush: Awww.. [ jumps up and takes his seat ] Hey, America!So, how we all doing out there, huh? Yeah, not so good. I broke the HooverDam.. we had that war thing happen. But I mean, who ever heard of a CivilWar, anyway? What is that? [ grabs a pair of binoculars, unscrewsthe lens, then pours alcohol from it into his mouth ] I have missed you,ol’ buddy! [ pours it into his barbecue grill ] Whoo! I think wecan agree, Americans, that these have been a difficult first two years ofmy presidency..

Voice of Advisor: You’ve been President for two weeks!

President George W. Bush: Really? Oh, man! I told you, this is hard!Okay, listen.. I’m just gonna get this Address thing over with. As weassess the State of the American Union today, we have reason to hope, because.. [ takes out a map which shows California and Florida as islands, Texas inCommunist Mexico, and the Great Lakes on fire ] Holy crap! When didall this happen?! Wow.. the Great Lakes are on fire – even I knowthat’s not good. [ laughs ] Okay, America, we got a lot of problems. Iain’t gonna lie to you. But with the help of Vice-President Dick Cheney..

Voice of Advisor: You killed him in a hunting accident!

George W. Bush: Okay, fine! Not a problem. ‘Cause I’ve been workinghard, I got a plan that’s gonna solve all of it – from the deficit, toforeign relations, to that hole in the sun. Two words, America: OstrichMeat.

Voice of Advisor: [ disgusted ] Oh, come on! [ exits Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: No, no, wait, wait! Hear me out. You see, everyonegets an ostrich.. and then you eat the ostrich, then you raise the ostrich..that way, no more ostriches! We are trying to get rid of all the ostriches,right? Anyone? [ ball of fire erupts outside ] Aw, screw! That big titbuilding is on fire again – damn! Alright, sorry, folks.. I gottatake care of this.. [ stands up ] Come on, Blue! Here, boy! [ an ostrichambles forward ] You all go on ahwad without me. And, in the meantime, “Live,from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

Charlize Theron’s Monologue

…..Charlize Theron
…..Tracy Morgan

Charlize Theron: Thank you! I’m delighted to be here in New York,hosting the show. I actually wasn’t even born in the United States – I wasborn and raised in South Africa. But I live here now!

Tracy Morgan: [ standing amongst the audience ] Oh, Boo! Boo?You serious?

Charlize Theron: Yes.. Sir.. you have a question?

Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not a Sir. I’m Tracy Morgan, I’m on the show.

Charlize Theron: Oh, really?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I didn’t have much to do this week, so I skippedthe practices. You live here, but you were born in Africa?

Charlize Theron: Yes, that’s right.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. so you’re an African-American?

Charlize Theron: [ contemplating ] Wow..! I guess I am! I.. I..I never thought of it that way..

Tracy Morgan: [ steps on stage ] Well, you better start thinkingabout it that way!

Charlize Theron: You’re right. People always think I’m Swedish orGerman.. but I’m African-American, you’re right!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, we have to stick together, because thisbusiness is rough!

Charlize Theron: You’re right.

Tracy Morgan: Hell, yeah, I’m right! So, I saw you in thatnew movie with Will Smith.

Charlize Theron: Yeah, “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. It’s me, andWill, and Matt Damon.

Tracy Morgan: I don’t know him.

Charlize Theron: But you know Will Smith?

Tracy Morgan: Not personally.. but I hang out with DJ Jazzy Jeff’screw. You know Griffin Louie Trade? Man, that dude is hilarious! [ laughs ]

Charlize Theron: That’s the guy with the iguana, right?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, man, that lizard is crazy! [ takes out apack of cigarettes ] You want a Newport?

Charlize Theron: [ takes out her own pack of cigarettes ] That’s okay.I got my Kools.

Tracy Morgan: Mmm. When I saw you in “Bagger Vance”, I knew you wasAfrican-American, man. When I heard you talking during the movie..

Charlize Theron: I was in the movie.

Tracy Morgan: So was I. I was yelling at the screen: “Let Will Smithhit the ball, man! He’s like Tiger Woods!”

Charlize Theron: So, did you like the movie?

Tracy Morgan: Uh.. we didn’t get to see it all. They had kicked usout because they said a little trained lizard had bit a kid in the thirdaisle – but I didn’t have nothin’ to do with that! But we all know whatthe real reason was.

Charlize Theron: Because you’re African-American.

Tracy Morgan: Oh.. you can relate. Damn! It’s about time they let a sister host this show! And you’re fine, too!

Charlize Theron: Thanks, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: [ peeks around back ] Your ass a little bony, butthat’s okay. Anyway, I’m gonna let y’all get on with your show – it’s abig one, the election show. By the way, who you voting for?

Charlize Theron: Well, actually, because I was born in Africa, Ican’t vote.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. I can’t, either. I got convicted of a felony.Anyway, I should let you do your thing. Stay strong, sister! You heard?

Charlize Theron: I heard. [ they clap fists before Tracy stepsaway ] We have a great show, Paul Simon is here, so stick around, we’ll beright back!

SNL Transcripts

Rap Street

Grandmaster Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazzam…..Horatio Sanz
Kevin Gustafson…..Tom Green
Maria Muldaur…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: You’re watching BET, Black Entertainment Television. Now it’s time for Rap Street, with your hosts, your favourite old school rappers, Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Word up, word up, word up!

Grandmaster Rap: What’s happening everybody? I’m Grandmaster Raps!

Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam. How y’all homeboys and homegirls doin’ out there? Yeah! Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh. Now, as you know, this show is dedicated to old school hip-hops.

Kid Shazzam: That’s right, cuz we started hip-hops back in 1972 when we got back from Vietnams.

Grandmaster Rap: Oh, terrible conflict.

Kid Shazzam: Napalms and Miss Saigons.

Grandmaster Rap: Agents and orgies and what not. Woo!

Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s start the show. Grandmaster Rap?

Grandmaster Rap: Mm-hmm?

Kid Shazzam: Have you seen that video with that little nasty girl, Little Kims?

Grandmaster Rap: Oh, easy now kid, easy!

Kid Shazzam: Talkin’ about her private parts like they’re juicy and what not.

Grandmaster Rap: When we rapped, we didn’t rap about givin’ your man friend fellat-i-os. We rapped about good stuff like sneakers.

Kid Shazzam: And people who talk too much.

Grandmaster Rap: And partying all night long!

Kid Shazzam: And not stopping till the break-a break-a dawn!

Grandmaster Rap: We are Grandmaster Rap

Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: And this is what we do, we gotta rap rap rap and rock rock rock, rip rop rippity doo!

Kid Shazzam: My name is Kid Shazzam and I’d like to say hello.

Grandmaster Rap: My name is Grandmaster Rap and I’ll say hello also.

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: But first we gotta rap rap, rippity rap rap, rip rop rippity do, you know our rhymes are funky fresh, rip rop rippity doo! Word! Funky! Fresh!

[ they spout gibberish as they join hands and “groove” ]

Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh indeed!

Kid Shazzam: That was sweet!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Word to your mother, word to your mother.

Kid Shazzam: Well, it’s that time of the show when we honour another one of our fallen homeboys. Our good friend “The Rappin’ Kid” got shot last night.

Grandmaster Rap: With about 20 CC’s of epinepherine. But it was too late, after four heart attacks and two bypasses, I guess it was his time.

Kid Shazzam: He’s survived by his wife Penelope, his children James, Margaret and Thomas, and his grandkids Sheniqua, Ashante and Dorito. And his great grandkid Uridium.

Grandmaster Rap: Who’s currently in his third year of law school. This is for you, Rappin’ Kid.

Kid Shazzam: To the brothers who couldn’t be here.

Grandmaster Rap: That’s right, that’s right, word up, word up.

Kid Shazzam: Okay now. People’s always askin’ us, do you like any new rap that’s out now?

Grandmaster Rap: No. But we did see this one youngster at the club the other night, and he was the only one who wasn’t talkin’ about penises and gold knives. And we have taken him under our wangs.

Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s bring him out. Let’s give a big Rap Street welcome to Mr. MC Kevin Gustafson.

Kevin: I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good good boy, I’m a good good boy, look at me, look at me, I’m a good boy. I’m a nice boy, I do things that are really nice. That’s why they call me a nice boy, I’m a nice boy.

Maria: Midnight at the oasis, put your camels to bed, you don’t know places, spaces, moonlight in your head…

Kevin: I’m a nice boy, and I like to wear undies. Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies! When I wear undies, it’s really really funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny. Undies! Undies are funny! I like to wear undies because they’re so funny! Funny! Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies!

Maria: Midnight at the oasis!

Kevin: Funny undies!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Word up, now did y’all hear that, did you hear that, that, suckas, those rhymes were hardcore!

Kid Shazzam: It don’t come no doper, no doper. I liked that part about the underwears too. Let that be a lesson to you Little Kims. Maybe you should put some on!

Grandmaster Rap: Word up, word up, those underwears have a purpose, to cover your damn stuff up. Well, Kevin Gustafson, welcome to Rap Street. Now tell the folks where you grew ups.

Kevin: Ottawa, Canada.

Kid Shazzam: Oo, Canada. We had some friends who ran up there during the Vietnams War, didn’t we?

Grandmaster Rap: Sure did, word up, word up.

Kid Shazzam: Chickens, that’s what they were.

Grandmaster Rap: Yeah, bunch of yellow-bellies. All right, now Kevin Gustafson, won’t you join us in a little old school raps? [ he nods ] All right!

Kid Shazzam: One for the treble!

Grandmaster Rap: Two for the bass!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Come on, Kevin Gustafson, rock this place!

Kevin: Well, I’m Kevin G, in the place to be, and I’m in the place to be, with Kevin G, I don’t rap about bad stuff, that’s not me, and that’s not fun, now we’ve just begun..

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: We gotta rap, rap, a-rippity a-roppity, a-rip rop rippity doo!

Announcer: Promotional consideration provided by Jeri Curl. It’s not out of style, you is! And by Rockso’s turkey and pancakes. It’s Food! And Ebony-Sure, the dope diapers for all blacks, cuz sometimes, you mess yourself.

Grandmaster Rap: That’s the end of the show!

Kid Shazzam: Good night everybody!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Rip rop rippity doo!

Thanks to Jordan Davidson of The SNL Message Board for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 13th, 2002

The Rock

Andrew W.K.

None

Andrew W.K., “Party Hard”

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bush (Will Ferrell) offers horny men and women for suicide bombers.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

The Rock’s Monologue

Rock regrets daring Chris Kattan to punch him in the face.

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) thinks parrot is trying to impersonate him.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

The Scorpion King

Scorpion King’s (Rock) son (Seth Meyers) longs to be accepted by his father.

Arthur Anderson Ad

Arthur Anderson firm can help people avoid paying their taxes.

Hardball

Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) continues to make fun of his guests.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begalia.

Drunk Girl

Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) and friend (Rock) wander through Studio 8-H.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

The Subway

Via song, passenger (Maya Rudolph) and derelict (Tracy Morgan) insult one another.

The Girl With No Gaydar

Nicole (Rachel Dratch) doesn’t realize she’s looking for men in gay bar.

Recurring Characters: Nicole.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Gene Shalit makes puns to describe attack on his house by bears.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit.

Andrew W.K. performs “Party Hard”

All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Bigfoot & Neil Diamond

Bigfoot (Rock) has recorded cover album with Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond.

America Undercover

White trash couple (Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler) fight doctors in hospital.

Andrew W.K. performs “I Get Wet”

A Message From “Saturday Night Live”

Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan perform a new ditty.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 12th, 2002

Josh Hartnett

Pink

None

Buddy the Dog Memorial Service

Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) offers eulogy for deceased dog Buddy

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Josh Hartnett’s Monologue

Jimmy Fallon advises Hartnett not to adopt a new image.

Wake Up, Wakefield

Zack Bodorf’s (Hartnett) growth spurt wakens Megan’s (Maya Rudolph) interest.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion, Randy Goldman.

The Laura Bengal Covington Story

Lifetime movie about Covington’s (Ana Gasteyer) interest in stepson (Hartnett).

TV Funhouse

X-Presidents and Ambiguously Gay Duo team up to snare Osama bin Laden.

The Shout Out! Show

Grand Master Freddy (Tracy Morgan) offers unnecessary shout outs to the community.

Pink performs “Get The Party Started”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Maya Angelou (Tracy Morgan) espouses off-topic birthday card greetings.

Henley (Horatio Sanz) & Stiles (Chris Kattan) can’t do routine via satellite.

HBO First Look

“Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones features N*Sync.

Captain of Impressions

Airline captain (Hartnett) stalls passengers by doing impressions.

My Best List for 2001

Wax and Dracula sponsorships hinder legitimacy of Jack Handey’s list items.

Pink performs “Don’t Let Me Get Me”

Playboy’s Movie Showcase

“Burqua Baddies” features Yeman face pornography.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

The O’Reilly Factor

Bill O’Reilly…..Jeff Richards
Thomas Woodward…..Chris Parnell
Susan van Etten…..Amy Poehler

Bill O’Reilly: Hello, everybody, I’m Bill O’Reilly, thank you for watching The Factor. Our top story tonight: Was bankrupt energy giant Enron responsible for the power shortage last year that rocked California? My next guest says no, it was the “environmentalists”. He’s Thomas Woodward, an attorney with the American Enterprise Institute. Mr. Woodward, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Thomas Woodward: My pleasure, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, uh, Mr. Woodward, in your article, you say that environmentalists simply refuse to acknowledge California’s growing need for electricity.

Thomas Woodward: That’s right.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that California has more people than any other state. I say New York State has more people – tell me where I’m wrong!

Thomas Woodward: [ confused ] Um.. well.. Bill.. actually, California is the most populous state.

Bill O’Reilly: I don’t know, Counselor. I live in New York, and I walk down the streets every day, and there’s people everywhere! You can’t move! You know what I mean? Last week, I was in California, went to the beach in Malibu. Nobody! Practically empty. So, for my money, New York’s got more people. Probably New Jersey, too.

Thomas Woodward: Well, Bill, your own experience nonwithstanding, each of the last four censuses has clearly shown –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, not buying it! Not buying it!

Thomas Woodward: Bill, I swear to you, California is our largest state!

Bill O’Reilly: Look, Mr. Woodward, you’ve got your opinion, I’ve got mine. We’re not gonna settle this tonight.

Thomas Woodward: Actually, we could setlle this tonight! Do you have an almanac?

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, nice try. But I’ll give you the last word.

Thomas Woodward: Is there someone else here I could talk to?

Bill O’Reilly: Thanks for coming on The Factor.

Next up on The Factor, our Unresolved Problem segment. Once again, the ongoing saga of San Francisco Giants slugger, Barry Bonds. As you know, Mr. Bonds has repeatedly claimed that, during the 2001 baseball season, he hit 73 home runs. We here at The Factor very much doubt this. We even invited him on the show to argue his case, but he keeps ducking us! Mr. Bonds, by your continued refusal to appear on The Factor and take the heat, you have proven that you’re not only a liar, but a coward as well. And even if you had hit 73 home runs, it’s still a far cry from the 755 Hank Aaron hit in 1974. And that’s tonight’s Unresolved Problems.

Now, in our Back of the Book segment: Is human activity really changing Earth’s atmosphere? Our next guest thinks so. She’s Susan van Etten, Professor of Environmental Sciences at Tulane University. Miss van Etten, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Susan van Etten: Thank you, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, when you say greenhouse gasses, what are we talking about here.

Susan van Etten: Well, principally, Bill, carbon dioxide or CO2 –

Bill O’Reilly: Hold it, hold it, Professor! CO2?

Susan van Etten: Yes. Bill, you see, as the result of most industrial processes, carbon combines with oxygen.

Bill O’Reilly: Oh, sorry, Professor, not buying it. I know that’s a byline, but I’m just not buying it. You’ve got carbon, you’ve got oxygen. And my gut tells me, when push comes to shove, oxygen is just not gonna combine with a carbon. I don’t care what you do to the carbon!

Susan van Etten: Well.. Bill.. under intense heat, carbon does –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Professor, I just don’t buy it! But let’s move on. You say in your piece that greenhouse gasses have been found on the top of Mount Everest.

Susan van Etten: That’s correct.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that Mount Everest is the world’s tallest mountain peak. I say the world’s tallest peak is Space Mountain – tell me where I’m wrong!

Susan van Etten: [ stunned ] Space Mountain?

Bill O’Reilly: Space Mountain! In the Pocano Mountain Range, part of Joshua Tree National Park in Alaska? Where am I wrong?

Susan van Etten: Okay.. um.. first of all, Space Mountain is not a mountain. I beleive it’s a roller coaster. Also, the Pocano Mountains are in Pennsylvania, and are not part of any national park, least of all Joshua Tree National Park, which has mountains. And it’s in California, not Alaska.

Bill O’Reilly: Hey, have you ever been to Alaska, Professor?

Susan van Etten: Bill, I was just explaining –

Bill O’Reilly: I’m sorry, Professor! I asked you a simple question: Have you ever been to Alaska?

Susan van Etten: [ meekly ] No.

Bill O’Reilly: Well, I appreciate you’re coming on The Factor. And I’ll give you the last word.

Susan van Etten: Uh..

[ time’s up ]

Bill O’Reilly: And now for a look at our Viewer Mail, about a story on overcrowding in kindergarten classrooms.

Janet Miller of Park City, Utah writes: “Bill, normally I’m a fan of ‘The Factor’s’ hard hitting style, but your interview with the five-year old girl about class size was a little too rough. Telling her she was ‘out of her mind’ was simply uncalled for.”

Janet, here at The Factor, we pull no punches, When you come on the show, you gotta know that.

Ed Gekas, Emhurst, Illinois: “Bill, your tough, incisive questions had that five year old girl squirming. The bottom line is, you had the facts. She didn’t.”

And finally, Paul Jemino of Islip, New York writes: “Bill, even though the girl hurt her case by crying, she was right, and you were wrong. Albany, not New York City, is the capital of New York State.”

Well, Paul, I thank you for watching. But I still say New York City is the state capital. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

And finally, our Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: This week, Congress voted $1.2 million of your tax dollars to the University of Iowa to study breast cancer! Come on! Don’t study it, guys. Cure it! Ridiculous! [ laughs ] Well, that’s all the time we have for The Factor. As always, we thank you for watching. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Good night.

SNL Transcripts