Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Drag Racing Today

…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Eric Idle

[ open on stock footage of crowds swarming the stands at a race track ]

[ SUPER: “Drag Racing Today” ]

[ Dan Aykroyd and Eric Idle, dressed in drag, approach the starting line and take their stances ]

[ the starting pistol fires ]

[ Dan and Eric run down the track in their high heels, until, at race’s end, Dan is first to cross the finish line ]

[ a reporter holds a microphone to Dan’s face ]

Dan Aykroyd: I, uh — feel it’s still not working.

Eric Idle: Of course it’s working! They’re laughing!

Dan Aykroyd: How do you know they’re laughing? We’re on film.

Eric Idle: [ stunned by this information ] Oh, that’s right. Well, let’s listen.

[ they press their ears closer to the screen ]

Eric Idle: I don’t hear them laughing.

Dan Aykroyd: No.

Eric Idle: [ dejected ] Shall we go?

Dan Aykroyd: I guess so.

[ they turn from the camera and walk away, dropping their feather boas to the ground in shame ]

[ dissolve to audience shot, zoom in on a man with SUPER: “Doomed” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Genetic Counselor

Doctor…..Eric Idle
Mr. Stolwry…..Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Stolwry…..Gilda Radner

[ Eric Idle enters the Genetics sketch set and sits down ]

Doctor: Now then, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you’re in your second month of pregnancy, and you’re prepared to select your child’s physical characteristics.

Mr. Stolwry: That’s right. Let’s get on with it.

Doctor: Alright, Mrs. Stolwry, we’ve put your scrapings through a high-speed cell sorter, and we’re ready to choose what sort of a baby you want. Now, you want your baby to be.. a baby?

Mr. Stolwry: ..Yes.

Doctor: Good, that’s a start. Now, what sex? Male or female?

Mr. Stolwry: Um.. male.

Doctor: Male. Good. Skin pigment – dark or fair?

Mrs. Stolwry: Um.. fair.

Doctor: Fair. Hair color: blonde or black?

Mrs. Stolwry: Blonde.

Doctor: Blonde. Good. General stature: tall and thin or short and stocky?

Mr. Stolwry: Short and stocky.

Doctor: Excellent. Alright, general texture – fur or quilted?

Mr. Stolwry: Fur or quilted?

Doctor: Yes, you don’t want the little nipper bouncing out into the world in the raw, when you can use all of genetic science to have him born in his own little fur or quilted bag.

Mr. Stolwry: What do you think, dear?

Mrs. Stolwry: Let’s take the quilted.

Doctor: Very good, excellent, excellent! Now, general attribute, you want him to be artistic or a welder?

Mr. Stolwry: A welder.

Doctor: Good, good, good. Uh.. mouth – tongue or dipstick.

Mrs. Stolwry: What?

Doctor: Tongue or dipstick. You know, a tongue is very, very fat, and a disptick is very, very much thinner, and will enable your baby to suck flies out of soda bottles.

Mrs. Stolwry: Well.. um.. tongue, please.

Doctor: Tongue? Good, good, good. Feet or pods?

Mr. Stolwry: Pods?

Doctor: Pods. Pods, you know. It increases the baby’s motor skills.

Mr. Stolwry: Pods.

Doctor: Pods, good. What about his head? You want it pressed in flat like a Pekenese puppy, or would you like it fully curled like a shrimp? If you have the shrimp-head, he’ll be able to get the welder’s job much easier.

Mrs. Stolwry: No! No, I don’t want a baby with a shrimp-head!

Mr. Stolwry: What is this about shrimp-heads, Doctor? Frankly, this is not what we expected at all.

Doctor: Right, then! [ angry ] I do the best I can for you, the bloody best, to set up your sniveling, snotty-nosed kid you want, and all I get in return for fifteen years of poring research into the bloody boring composition of the bloody damn DNA molceule, is a pair of pathetic twits, who, when confronted with bloody stats start a pathetic wiffle-waffle. Right now, Mr. and Mrs. Stolwry, you have a perfect, beautiful walking specimen of a stocky, blond-haired, blue-eyed, fair-skinned, quilted, male shrimp-head welder, with pods! Now, what more do you bloody want?! Frankly, it makes me sick! Why don’t you go have your child naturally?

Mr. Stolwry: I’m sorry, Doctor. Its just we don’t understand your methods.

Mrs. Stolwry: Yes. We’ll try to be more understanding.

Doctor: Alright. Let’s give it another try. Alright, here we go. Hatchback or portal windows?

Mr. Stolwry: Hatchback.

Mrs. Stolwry: Hatchback.

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: “Coming Up: Pearls Before Swine Flu” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

KLOG Radio

Disc Jockey…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Disc Jockey sitting in radio booth between two turntables, one each on AM and FM side of booth ]

Announcer: Good morning. Now radio station KLOG commences its programming day. KLOG is a division of BoardCo Communications. The policy of KLOG and KLOG-FM is to give you, the listener, the best in both AM and FM entertainment. We wish you a good morning and a nice day.

Jingle: “Coming or going
or just in the race.
Stay with KLOG
’cause Casey’s on the case.”

Disc Jockey: [ on the AM station ] Hey, good morning! It’s Kid Casey Wake-Up Time! Driving to work or school, having breakfast, or just doing some crazy morning things around the house, Casey’s on the case! I’m Kid Casey! I’ll be here ’til noon with a few words, a little music, and of course the Pasternak Air Hammer Giveaway Day contest later on! Here’s a tune to get you moving and grooving on this sunny Friday morning. An old one from Tony Orlando & Dawn, “Candida”! Some gold!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Ohhhkayyy.. yeah. That was the Moody Blues for our morning. Morning, as always the first awakening, I’m Kenneth Wardell on KLOG-FM, mellowing out your morning with some really good sound. We have music – I’m a little high right now – and I’m looking forward to an interview with Peter Kris, the drummer from Kiss. He’s gonna tell us how he chose the cat make-up. Here’s something newwww from Aerosmith.

[ switches to the AM station ]

Yeah! “Candida”! Hey, Mom, here’s the word about Wally Winky Wonderloaf, the nutritious whitemilk bread. The people at Wally Winky Bakeries put loving care and pride into every loaf they bake. Every Wally Winky Wonderloaf is made from white refined milk flour and milk flour substitute to give your growing family the important nutrition they need! So get your youngsters Wally Winky Wonderloaf today! And let’s watch out now for that “Devil Woman”!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeaaahhhh.. Aerosmith on KLOG-FM. You know, many nutritionists and doctors agree that bread made with white refined milk flour and milk powder substitute is no good for us. Most agree that whole wheat is an excellent source of protein. That’s why the people at Earth Source Graineries use only whole grain and unmmilk wheat in their headbread. Headbread, for a pure source of nutrition and nourishment. Nowww.. Led Zeppelin, “Stairway”..

[ switches to the AM station ]

Yeah, alright! Don’t let that “Devil Woman” get you! You know, Ring Audio has everything you need in stereo components, CB radios, aerials, car radios, tape decks, turntables, amplifiers, speakers and CDs! All name brands at great prices! That’s Ring Audio, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell ’em Crazy Kid Casey sent you! And, if you dig disco, you’re realy gonna dig the “Fifth”! It’s moving up there on the KLOG hit mix survey!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeahhhh.. do your big speakers keep getting you evicted? Then why not visit Stairway to Headphones? Stairway To Headphones deals only in quality headphones, and motorcycle and football helmets, all wired for sound. Stairway to Headphones, 880 Storm Blvd, ask for Gary, tell him Kenneth Wardell, KLOG-FM sent you. Here’sss Black Sabbath.

[ switches to the AM station ]

Okay! Alright! Hey, the KLOG traffic copter reports traffic’s badly tied up on Route 9, a lot of cars are backed up there! Take the passoff instead. Hey, the student council at Rose Cage High School in Summit asked me to say a few words about their Art Fair! The kids are having an Art Fair there, it’s in the gym! Thursday night from 8PM, and the kids have really worked hard on the art, and they’d sure appreciate a little support. The money’s for Rose Cage High and Summit, there’s gonna be a lot of good art there! And here’s something to take us up to news time with Bernie Phillips – “The Antler Dance”, taking us to KLOG News with Bernie Phillips!

[ switches to the FM station ]

Yeahhhh.. Black Sabbath. I guess all you folks who got out to the Dead concert last night at Wildcat Stadium kinda know where my head’s at today. But, hey, you know, I heard the City Council might cancel all rock concerts because of damage done to the astroturf. If you have to smoke cigarettes, put them in your beer can or carry an ashtray. If you smoke anything else, smoke it, then eat it. It won’t kill you, but cigarettes will. It’s a shame this kind of thing is still going on. I guess some of us didn’t learn anything from the 60’s. Hey, we’re coming up to news time right now with Bernie Phillips, let’s find out. I’m gonna take a little break and find out what’s happening in the news with Bernie Phillips at the KLOG News Center.

Announcer: And now, KLOG News with Bernie Phillips.

Disc Jockey: [ grabs both AM and FM microphones ] I’m Bernie Phillips, and this is the KLOG News. Precautionary measures continue to be taken against the swine flu threat!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Eric Idle’s Monologue

…..Eric Idle
…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Eric Idle perched a top a stool ]

Eric Idle: Hello, thank you. It’s very nice to be here. I’d like to sing a song, if I may, which I’ve just recorded in England.

[ yelling ]

“Here comes the sun!
Here comes the sun!
And I say, it’s alright!”

[ Jane Curtin interrupts ]

Jane Curtin: Eric? Eric?

Eric Idle: Yeah?

Jane Curtin: How would you like to take a little walk, and we’ll talk.

Eric Idle: Okay.. fine.. yeah.. You don’t like the song?

Jane Curtin: The song’s terrific. But you know, you’re new to American television. I enjoyed the “Hands Across The Water”, I mean, you’re being from England and everything –

Eric Idle: There’s a lot more to the song than –

Jane Curtin: Eric, Eric.. we do things very differently over here. For instance, we put a song like that – because it has so much meaning – at the end of the show.

Eric Idle: Oh? So I’ll do it at the end of the show?

Jane Curtin: Terrific!

Eric Idle: Save it up for the end of the show. Good idea. Okay. [ enters set of Genetics sketch, sits at his doctor character’s desk ] Sorry I’m early. The song’s being saved up for the end.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 3

76c: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

Pong

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis

[ open on Pong video screen, as Al Franken and Tom Davis speak from offscreen ]

Al Franken: Aw, nuts! It always seems like I fall behind at the beginning, and then I never catch up.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I know.

Al Franken: Well, there’s one, right through a hole.

Tom Davis: Hey, how’d you do on that Math Psy. quickie quiz today?

Al Franken: Oh, I passed.. I got a D-. How’d you do?

Tom Davis: I aced it.

Al Franken: You know, it always seems like you never study, and then you always get an A. How you do that?

Tom Davis: Well, you just tell the teacher what you know, not what you don’t know.

Al Franken: Well.. what do you mean? I don’t understand..

Tom Davis: Well, for example, on that barometer question, you remember, you’re given a barometer and you have to determine the height of a tall building?

Al Franken: Yeah.. I left that one blank. I forgot what a barometer is.

Tom Davis: Oh, well, that’s for measuring barometric pressure. So, to get the answer to that question, you get the barometric pressure then you go to the bottom of the building, and you take the difference between the two barometric pressures and you plug it into a formula.

Al Franken: [ pause ] Oh, yeah..

Tom Davis: Well, I forgot what the formula was, but I didn’t want Professor Heimitz to know, so I gave him several other solutions I figured out.

Al Franken: Oh, yeah?

Tom Davis: Yeah. I said, take the barometer up on top of the building, drop it off of the building, time how long it takes before it gets to the ground, and then plug it into that formula we learned in high school for falling bodies? You know, Distance = 16 x the time in seconds square? Remember all that?

Al Franken: [ pause ] Yeah..

Tom Davis: Or, I said, on a sunny day you can set up the barometer, measure the shadow of the building, and set up a ratio. You know how to get the answer there.

Al Franken: [ pause ] Yeah.

Tom Davis: Or, get this – get the circumference of the barometer, wrap string around it, then drop it off the top of the building, count how many revolutions the barometer makes before it hits the ground, then take the number of revolutions and multiply it times the circumference.

Al Franken: [ pause ] The.. the circumference?

Tom Davis: Right. Or, get this, this is the last one – I said, go in the basement, find the superintendent and offer to exchange the barometer for the information. How’s that? I got full credit on that question.

Al Franken: Well.. you should have.. you knew all the answers. [ as he loses at Pong ] Nuts!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Bobby McGee

…..Kris Kristofferson
Bobby McGee/Paisner/Farber…..Gilda Radner
Larry Farber…..John Belushi
…..Rita Coolidge

[FADE IN on a closeup of Kris Kristofferson’s hand strumming his guitar.]

Kris: “Busted flat in Baton Rouge,
I’m headin’ for a train…”

[PAN back to show him playing and singing as the audience applauds.]

Kris: “Feelin’ near as faded as my jeans…”

[stops playing]

Kris: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That song is called “Bobby McGee,” and I wrote the thing back in 1969, and I guess you know how much it meant to me. What you probably don’t know is there really was a Bobby McGee. Only it wasn’t her name, it was Bobby Paisner, but I rhymed it… with “me,” and nothin’ rhymes with “Paisner” anyway, but it… somebody here at NBC took the trouble to hunt her down, and she’s somewhere out there in the audience now, I ain’t seen her in seven years, and I’d like you all to meet the real Bobby McGee. Bobby? Come up here.

[The band plays an instrumental of “Bobby McGee” as Bobby steps up to home base. She has frosted, curly hair and a salmon-colored dress, and she carries a white pocketbook in front of her. She and Kris grin awkwardly at each other while the band winds up.]

Kris: Wow! Bobby… [kisses her cheek]

Bobby: [in a nasal voice] Kris. [laughter] It’s wonderful to see you, you look, you look just fabulous. Tell me honestly, would you have recognized me?

Kris: Sure, sure. [they laugh] You look a little, dress a little different… [looks her up and down] I don’t think I’d forget the shape, anyway.

Bobby: [embarrassed] Oh…

Kris: Oh, boy. Hey, what happened to you, uh…

Bobby: Oh, you mean in Salinas?

Kris: Yeah.

Bobby: Oh, I had to leave, I’d really had it with the road, you know, four weeks is a long time to be away from home, you know. And, uh, my parents sent me this plane ticket back to Chicago, and they were so SUPPORTIVE, they fixed up my old room and everything. And, you know, I’ll never forget it, my father said to me, “You can’t be a grasshopper your whole life.” You know, so I went back to college and I got my teaching certificate.

Kris: [stares lovingly at her] Wow…

Bobby: Yeah.

Kris: So you’re a teacher.

Bobby: Well, I never actually got a chance to teach, because that’s when, uh, I met Larry.

Kris: [quietly] Larry who?

Bobby: Larry Farber.

[Larry leaps up to home base.]

Larry: Hi, how are ya, Kris, nice to meet ya!

[Wearing a gray plaid blazer with a red tie and dark-rimmed glasses, Larry reaches for Kris’s hand and pumps it heartily while the audience applauds.]

Bobby: This is my husband, Kris, Larry Farber.

Larry: Hi!

Bobby: He’s in, uh, woman’s pocketbooks.

Larry: Yeah, lemme get a picture of you two over here. C’mon, get together here now, let’s see…

[Larry pulls out a camera with a tall flash bar and motions for Bobby to stand next to Kris. Kris dutifully puts his arm around Bobby’s shoulder.]

Larry: C’mon, let’s see that little smi–aha!

[Bobby grins widely for him. Larry snaps a couple of quick shots and then turns and waves at the TV camera.]

Larry: [in a nasal voice] Hi, kids! Hi, Tracy, hi, Jason! How are ya?

Kris: What?

Larry: They’re our kids, I promised I’d say hello.

Kris: Hey, this is live TV…

Bobby: They’re watching in Highland Park. Hi, kids.

Larry: Hi, kids!

Kris: [awkwardly] Well, that’s really terrific, uh, your kids are out there…

Bobby: Yeah, you know something? Tracy, uh––they just LOVE you, you’re their–they’re your biggest fans! Kris, really. Y’know, they always listen to your record. Their favorite one is “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”

[laughter]

Larry: Y’know, all I ever hear them listen to is Elton John. [cracks up]

Bobby: Oh, Larry’s such a joker, you’re such a joker, Larry, he’s really a joker.

Kris: [flatly] I bet you guys have a lot of yuks, don’t ya?

Bobby: Um, Kris, Larry’s never heard you sing. Could you sing “Bobby McGee” for him?

Kris: Oh, now, he don’t wanna hear it.

Larry: Come on!

Bobby: Yes he does, really, he wants to hear it, Kris? It’s our song, right? It’s our song.

Larry: Yeah, y’know Bobby tells me you’ve been quite a MAN out there, pal. [claps his shoulder] Hey?

Bobby: God knows, I never saw a penny. [laughter] Go ahead and sing it, though, Kris, please.

[Kris starts playing his guitar.]

Kris: Well, “I–let’s see–I took my harpoon out
Of my dirty red bandanna,
Blowin’ sad while Bobby sang the blues…”

[Larry claps his hands out of time and does a very bad samba.]

Bobby: Oh, I love it.

Kris: “Them windshield wipers slappin’ time,
And Bobby clappin’ hands…”

[fades out]

Larry: Yeah, I love it. Really, nice.

Bobby: Yeah, you know… You know, I’ve waited so long for the two of you to meet, really.

Larry: Oh, yeah.

Bobby: You know, Kris, I’ve told Larry all about you.

Kris: All about me?

Larry: [joshing] What’s that supposed to mean?

Bobby: LARRY…

Larry: Okay.

Bobby: Okay.

[They both pant and guffaw stupidly for a moment.]

Bobby: [to Kris] We really had some good times, didn’t we?

Kris: [clearly uncomfortable] Yeah, they were some crazy, zany old times!

Bobby: Yeah. C’mon, Kris, finish the song, y’know, a lot of my friends back in Highland Park don’t believe that I’m the real Bobby McGee. So, could you just sing it for them, please, sing the rest of the song?

Kris: Uh, look–

Bobby: Please? Please?

[Kris haltingly picks a few notes.]

Bobby: [grinning] Pretty please, with sugar on top? Please? Could you sing it, Kris?

Kris: [muttering quickly through his lines] “Somewhere near Salinas, well, I let her slip away…”

Bobby: Yeah. Yeah.

Kris: “California, coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul…”

Larry: Hey, when were you in Kentucky, sweetheart?

Kris: [softly] “Standin’ right beside me, through everything I done…”

Larry: Uh, I, I thought you were just hitchhiking back to school!

Kris: [softly] “Every night she kept me from the cold…”

Bobby: Larry, it was a long time ago.

[They all stop while Larry glares at Kristofferson.]

Larry: “Kept me from the cold?” Is that what you said? “Kept me from the cold”?

Bobby: Yes, he said “kept me from the cold.”

Larry: [getting sore] I thought you just talked! I thought it was one afternoon, uh, I thought you said you just happened to get a ride in the same truck at one time, that was it!

Bobby: [in a monotone] Look, LARRY, it was a long time ago, it was dark, there was a thunderstorm, it was chilly, it looked like night. Enough is enough. [turns back to Kris and smiles] Go ahead, Kris, sing the song.

Kris: “Standin’ in the road…”

Larry: [shortly] Go ahead, sing it. C’mon.

Bobby: C’mon.

Larry: C’mon!

Kris: “I don’t think it’s ever gonna be that–”

Bobby: He wants to hear the rest of it, c’mon.

Larry: I wanna hear that song!

Kris: [at breakneck speed] “Somewhere near Salinas, I let her slip away, looking for the love I hope she finds–she found…”

Larry: Uh-huh.

Bobby: [humming along] Mm, mm…

Kris: “I’d trade all my tomorrows for some single yesterday, and holding Bobby’s body next to mine–”

Larry: Okay, okay, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.” Wait. Look, I get the picture. I’m not stupid. You know, I may not be a folk singer, but I am not stupid. I know what’s goin’ on, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.”

Bobby: Larry, I don’t believe this. I don’t believe you could–

Larry: Let him ANSWER it! C’mon!! What is that supposed to mean, fella?

Kris: Hey, Frank–Far–Larry…

Bobby: Larry.

Larry: LARRY! Larry Farber.

Kris: [losing patience] When you’re in the front seat of a truck–

Larry: Yeah?!

Kris: –and there’s three of you, and when you got a… a… harpoon…

Larry: Yeah, sure.

Kris: And a bandanna…

Larry: Yeah?

Kris: Somebody’s butt is going to be next to somebody else’s.

Larry: [shoves him] Yeah, how’d ya like to step outside for a knuckle sandwich pal? C’mon! [removes jacket]

Bobby: LARRY!!

Larry: [slips back into jacket] C’mon, weirdo! Let’s go! C’mon, pal!

[Rita Coolidge suddenly walks up from backstage and stops next to Kris.]

Kris: [to Bobby] Honey, I would like you to meet somebody real special. [to Rita] This is Bobby McGee. And her, it’s Bobby…

Bobby: [smiles at Rita] It’s Bobby Farber now, right.

Kris: And her husband Larry.

Bobby: This is my husband Larry Farber, woman’s pocketbooks, right. [holds out pocketbook]

Larry: [waves briefly at Rita] Nice to meet you.

Rita: [smiles politely to Bobby] It’s beautiful.

Bobby: Thank you. Uh– [to Kris] Listen, uh, just one last thing for me, Kris. Could you just finish the song, please? A lot of people don’t believe–

Kris: [quickly] “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…”

Bobby: [droning] “Nothin’ left but nothin’ every daaaaaay, nothing ain’t worth nothing…” [to Larry] I wrote the “na na-na” part.

Larry: [sullenly] Yeah, I know.

Bobby: Okay?

[They all sing for a moment while Kris plays.]

Bobby: Remember the “na na-na” part? [sings] “Na na-na, na na-na na na…”

Larry: “Feeling good was…” good enough for YOU!

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: It was good then! Now, now what does it take, huh?

[CUT to Kris and Rita as they watch in disbelief.]

Larry: Next two weeks in the Caribbean, now, to set you straight.

Bobby: Larry–

Larry: Yeah, the charge card, the tennis lessons for the kids, a house in Benton Harbor, the analyst…

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: The damned analyst, the KIDS’ damned analyst. I shoulda been a damned FOLK singer, that’s what I shoulda been!!

Bobby: Larry, you’re making a–

Larry: AW, NO! I shoulda been a folk singer, and grown a beard! [grabs Bobby’s arm] No, let’s get out of here!

Bobby: [slaps his arm] No!

Larry: [dragging her offstage] We’re getting out of here!!

[He growls at her and pulls her quickly off past the cameras. Audience applauds as Kris and Rita watch them go in disbelief.]

Rita: That’s Bobby McGee? I mean, that’s Bobby McGee?

Kris: [takes a deep breath] That was a long time ago, things were different in the ‘60s. [to audience] Wait! We’ll be right back in a few minutes, folks! [to Rita] Listen, this one means a lot to me…

[As they talk quietly, PAN back over applause and FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Waiting For Pardo

Bill…..Kris Kristofferson
Bob…..Chevy Chase
Don Pardo…..Himself

[A superimposition reads: waiting for pardo. In ableak landscape, two tramps, resembling Estragon andVladimir — the protagonists of Samuel Beckett’s play”Waiting for Godot” — sit on a rock and engage indeliberately-paced, absurdist dialogue:]

Bill: Is he comin’?

Bob: I don’t think so.

Bill: Have you ever seen him?

Bob: No. Nobody has.

Bill: Well, how do you know he exists?

Bob: What?

Bill: How do you know he exists?

Bob: I’ve heard him.

Bill: Where? On game shows?

Bob: Yes. “Jeopardy.”

Bill: We can’t wait much longer.

Bob: We don’t have much time.

Don Pardo: Yes, you do, boys! ‘Cause here’s good news![The tramps are mildly surprised to hear the campy,booming voice of legendary announcer Don Pardo rapidlyreading what sounds like ad copy as we iris to animage of wristwatches in deep space – the brand ofwatch is IMMANUEL KANT OF GERMANY] Space and time areempirically real but transcendentally ideal, Bill!Yours from Immanuel Kant — where Time and Space workhand-in-hand for you! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bill: What’s it like?

Bob: What?

Bill: The face of Pardo.

Bob: It’s been said that it’s very beautiful.

Bill: Yes.

Bob: Though no one’s ever seen it.

Bill: Let’s look for it. [Bob looks inside a boot thathe carries while Bill looks skyward at the sound ofDon Pardo’s Olympian voice]

Don Pardo: Keep looking, boys! [iris to an image ofluggage – brand name: Spinoza] ‘Cause all things whichare are in themselves or in another thing, Bill!Another quality idea from Spinoza! [dissolve back tothe tramps]

Bob: [off his boot] Well, he’s not in here.

Bill: [off his shoe] Not in here either.

Bob: [tries to put on Bill’s shoe] It’s a struggle.

Bill: Puttin’ on your shoe?

Bob: No, puttin’ on yours.

Bill: [puts his hat on his foot] I think we’re losingthis game.

Don Pardo: No way, big fella! [iris to an image offine jewelry – brand name: MARX OF LONDON] Theproletarians have nothing to lose but their chains!Workers of the world unite, Bob! From “Das Kapital” byMarx! Back to you, Bill! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bob: Tell me … you like my T-shirt?

Bill: I have one.

Bob: Bloomingdale’s?

Bill: Macy’s.

Bob: Let’s just … keep waiting.

Don Pardo: And you’ll be glad you did, you luckydevils, you! [iris to image of cruise ships with thewords 5 DAYS 6 NIGHTS – I CHING TO HONG KONG] Because,from the fabulous Book of Changes, comes success! Itfurthers one to cross the great water! Perseverancefurthers, Bill! From the good folks at I Ching!

Bill: He must be very smart.

Don Pardo: I think, therefore I am, Bill! [dissolve toimage of men’s designer slacks and the Eiffel Tower -brand name: René Descartes of Paris] Something tothink about from René Descartes of Paris! [dissolveback to the tramps]

Bob: Knock knock.

Bill: Who’s there?

Bob: Bob.

Bill: Knock knock.

Bob: Who’s there?

Bill: Bill.

Bob: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: One hundred bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

Bill: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Bob: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Don Pardo: And while you’re waiting for Pardo, have anice day, Bill! [dissolve to image of a smiley faceunderneath which is the name of Rod McKuen] Looselybased on a concept by Rod McKuen.

Bob: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: Ninety-eight bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

[stage darkens]

[cue accidental superimposition over Chevy and Kris, instead of over an unsuspecting audience member: “Making Loud Sucking Noises With tongue and Teeth, But You Can’t Hear Them”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Police State

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Narrator…..Michael O’Donoghue
Aramis McCord…..Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut…..Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris

[Two uniformed officers in a police station lockerroom. One shuts his locker and turns to his partnerwho sits nearby, tying his shoes:]

Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinesetonight?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, partner. Seems to me, uh, weate Chinese a couple o’ nights ago.

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Chinese. That wasPolynesian.

Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, samedifference.

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and lookoff-camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code five. Let’s roll!

[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to afilmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panningcamera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style copshow music plays. A police siren wails.]

Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 — a prettytough town. Remember all those people you saw lockedup on “Dragnet”? Well, they’re out now — every one ofthem. They’re out and it takes a new breed of cop tohandle them.

[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. — it’s atoy-sized model.]

Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: “PoliceState”!

[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. A superimpositionreads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tinyvehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.The two police officers seen earlier are shown insetover the model city. They style their hair and try tolook super-cool. The narrator’s words are superimposedas he speaks them:]

Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut … and Aramis McCord.With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week’sepisode: “If He Hollers” …

[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closedapartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, thecops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appearsin the doorway.]

Cooperative Man: Yes?

Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.

Cooperative Man: Sure thing.

[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at thesuspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he’sdead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCordputs a hand on Brut’s shoulder.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how ’bout Italian? Nah, how’bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a littlechicken curry, what do ya say?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, bro’. That stuff alwaysupsets my stomach. You know.

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Greek? We could eat Greek. Wecould have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won’tupset your stomach.

Kevin Brut: Well …

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code eleven-fourteen. Let’s …roll!

[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve tothe filmed insert of a city street using the rapidlypanning camera that blurs the image. Funky thememusic. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchboxvehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering itwith a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurredcity streets and then to a small room in which abearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!

[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the maninstantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keepingtheir guns pointed at it.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have theright to remain silent. You have the right to anattorney and to have that attorney present duringquestioning. [The cops holster their guns andimmediately confer.]

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Italian? You always likeItalian.

Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I’m tryin’ to losea few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything yousay can and will be used against you in evidence.

Aramis McCord: Hey, how ’bout French?

Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over onAlameida with the colored umbrellas?

Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get anice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a smallendive salad — what do you say?

[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don’t even bother tolook.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code six-oh-nine. Let’s roll!

[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundaboutfashion by running along one wall, then to the door.Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A gianthand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile ofcrashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles intothe inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircasewhere a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. Thetwo cops are right behind him, firing away. He fallsdown dead at the bottom of the stairs.]

Kevin Brut: Stop or I’ll shoot!

[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just tomake sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel aboutMexican? You’d like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?

Kevin Brut: Didn’t we, uh, kill Mexican last night?

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Mexican. That was Filipino.

Kevin Brut: Six o’ one, amigo, six o’ one. [They bothlaugh.] Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat.

Aramis McCord: Okay.

[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, theywalk to the camera and freeze as the music increasesin volume and the show’s credits rapidly roll by:

Also Appearing
CHAD PINTO
SHEP GREMLIN
GRIFF MALIBU
FARL DUSTER
THAD DASHER
GAR CHARGER

Produced by
LUKE FURY III

Directed by
GIL MAVERICK

Written by
LINC POLARA
ROY TORONADO
CLIFF LAGUNA

Script Consultant
TOD CAPRICE

Musical Director
KIT MUSTANG

Talent Coordinators
GUY VOLARE
WALD COUGAR

[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Noisy sound effects.]

Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Hereare a few scenes from the next episode of “PoliceState” …

[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city wherethe massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles hasgotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,still frozen, smiling into the camera as more creditsroll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]

Edited by
SCOTT MARLIN

Associate Producer
DAG TORINO

Assistant to the Producer
KEITH CAMARO

Unit Managers
LANE JAVELIN
BRIAN PACER

Makeup
YVES LE BARON

Technical Director
MERL BOBCAT

Audio
ADAM SPRITE

Video
MATT CIVIC

Lighting
BEN GRANADA

Costume Designer
KENT CORONET

Scenic Designer
WARD CUTLASS

Associate Scenic Designer
RAMSEY COLT

Stage Manager
STACY RABBIT

Graphics
BRAM ELITE

Don Pardo: Stay tuned for “SWAT, Police Tailor” — anofficer’s first duty is to his uniform.

[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it’sfinally all over.]

[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ]

[SUPER: “Coming up Next… Leprosy – The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?”]

[the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message]

[whoops – an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:]

[SUPER: “Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour”]

[she laughs, as we fade completely]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night

Sherry Norwalk…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]

Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–that’s the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the “Saturday Night” offices ‘cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin’ bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, ‘cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasn’t really dead, she’d just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!

[laughter]

Sherry: And they didn’t even mind that I couldn’t type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, he’s this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So he’d get undressed, and have me sing “Go Down Moses.”

[riotous laughter]

Sherry: It got stranger, man, I’m not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers don’t like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they don’t write things DOWN, they act ‘em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–’cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasn’t in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael O’Donoghue? He just COULDN’T finish writing the “Star Trek” skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, “Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous.” [laughter] It was really disgusting.

[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]

Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. He’s this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didn’t even do anything WRONG!

[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]

Sherry: Anyways, that’s why I’ve written this book. It’s called, “I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.”

[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]

Sherry: ‘Cause a really think the public has a right to know.

[phone rings]

Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, I’ll be right up.

[hangs up]

Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.

[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]

Sherry: Okay, let’s see, pad, pencil…

[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]

Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.

[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]

Sherry: It’s really disgusting.

[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, “SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY.” The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Don Pardo. Don Pardo, the official announcer of the 1976 Olympic Games.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Well, I don’t know. As far as anyone around here can tell, he’s just a washed-up game show announcer, I don’t know. He was an alcoholic for a while, a drug addict, a lot of misplaced rage and anger, and, you know, I think he just wants to be on camera. [ looks up ] I gotta go! [ hangs up phone ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Announcer: [ miffed ] Nobody wants to be, Chubby!

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: Olga Korbut began the long, hard trek to the 1980 Olympic Games, after having suffered a humiliating defeat last week. Her first steps in the healing process will include hypnosis to improve her concentration, isometrics to improve muscle tone, and the mistaken shooting of Nadia Comenechi(?) to improve her chances.

President Ford arrived at the Olympic Stadium earlier today to meet with and congratulate the many American gold medalists. Not surprisingly, none of the athletes were in Munich. Said the bewildered Chief of State: “Congratulations to all of you. Where are you?”

Well, it has been exactly a year and a day since ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa vanished. In commemoration, today, current Teamster President Frank Fitzsimmons once again mourned the disappearance of his longtime associate by placing a single candle in a cake of cement, and repeating that he felt Hoffa would always be a cornerstone in the organization.

For the first time ever, a Black man has won the Bob Hope Golf Classic. Quipped the victor: “I used to be a caddy, and now I drive one!” Tournament sponsor, Bob Hope himelf, is shown here lining up his putts.

Ronald Reagan announced today that he has more than the 1130 delegates needed to win the Republican Presidential nominaton. However, Reagan conceded that President Ford may also have more than enough delegates to be nominated. Reagan warned that having two nominees could hurt the Republicans in November.

Regan picked his choice of a vice-presidential running mate this week, and, in a surprise move that may hurt his chances in the coming convention, Reagan has told newsmen that Sen. Richard Schweiker of Pennsylvania will broaden his constituency and improve his knowledge of foreign affairs. Asked what his current assessment of our foreign policy is, Schweiker said: “The world is becoming a closer place, and Brute is a part of it.”

Well, the big story from Mars this week was the repair of the needle pin in the Viking I scoop, which made it possible to gather soil from the planet’s surface and conduct tests to see if life can exist there. On Wednesday, the scoop was extended, and, while analysis of the soil is still not complete, scienstists are almost certain that life cannot and has never existed on Mars. [ tin can scoops up some dirt near an old shoe ]

The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he wants to spend mroe time with his family; Tommy says he will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Chevy Chase: Still to Come: Jack Ford campaigns for his dad in Cheyenne. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Talk Country ]

[ dissolve back to Weekend Update news desk ]

Chevy Chase: Well, in Montreal tonight, the excitement once again mounts as finalists in the Boxing, Marathon, Equestrian, and Hurdles.

[ Chevy stares blankly at the incomplete news sheet, then chucks it aside ]

This bulletin about the Viking aircraft just in from correspondent Laraine Newman, reporting live from NASA. Come in, Laraine.

[ cut to Laraine Newman, dressed in a bikini and standing before a palm tree on some lush tropical isle ]

Laraine Newman: The air is clear, the sky is blue, and the waves… the breeze is wafting, Chevy. The sun is quite hot. I’ve been out for only fifteen minutes, and already I’ve got a difference. The temperature here is somewhere above 80, the humidity is high, and, except for the people who live here, almost everyone is on the American Plan. Uh, the food here is really good, Chevy —

Chevy Chase: Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Yes?

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Laraine? Can you hear me?

Laraine Newman: Yes, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Uh, Laraine — aren’t you supposed to be in NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration?

Laraine Newman: [ smiles ] That’s right, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: And, Laraine, aren’t you, in fact, in Nassau?

Laraine Newman: [ looks around dumbly ] You’re absolutely right, Chevy. [ a beat ] Will I have to pay for this?

[ cut back to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Correspondent Laraine Newman, paying for her own vacation in Nassau.

Spiro T. Agnew, under new attack for criticism of Israel, denied yesterday that he is Anti-Sematic(?). In a statement to the press, Agnew was quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man according to his religious beliefs; I judge him according to the length of his nose.”

The former Vice-President went on to say: “All these allegations are pure nonsense — some of my best friends are Christ-killers.”

A tragedy at the Olympics: high jump champion Dwight Stone of Huntington Beach, California, became caught between the crossbars during the second heat of the event. The apparatus and Stone were taken to a nearby hospital, where he was safely removed from the bars with scissors and a blowtorch.

And our final story tonight took place today in Montreal, where Generalissimo Franicsco Franco scored a perfect 10 out of 10 in cadaver diving. It’s a relatively new sport in the Olympic competition. The former ruler of Spain, now known as El Cadaver, scored an upset over Daniel Gearhart, an ex-mercenary who was considered to be the favorite until he lost points for his execution.

Chevy Chase: Now for those of our viewers who may be growing tired of “Weekend Update”, I will not repeat tonight’s top story. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts