Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 3

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

Long Island Medium

Theresa Caputo…..Kate McKinnon
Client…..Taran Killam
Victoria Caputo…..Vanessa Bayer
Woman #1…..Aidy Bryant
Cook…..Fred Armisen
Woman #2…..Nasim Pedrad
Wife…..Cecily Strong
Husband…..Bobby Moynihan
Larry Caputo…..Daniel Craig

Announcer: This season, on “Long Island Medium”:

[ cut to Thersa Caputo walking down the street, spraying on deodorant, etc. ]

Thersa Caputo: I’m Theresa Caputo. I like to think of myself as a typical Long Island mom. But — I have a very special gift: I talk to DEAD people!

[ Theresa walks past a graveyard ]

[ cut to Theresa with Client #1 ]

Thersa Caputo: Okay — your father’s showing me, like a, like a big pot of SAUCE! [ the client smiles ] Okay, he wants you to know he’s at peace… and he has the sauce.

Client: [ crying ] I’ve been waiting SO LONG to hear that!

[ cut to Victoria Caputo ]

Victoria Caputo: It doesn’t matter where she goes, my Mom, like, always finds someone with a dead relative.

[ cut to Thersa in a supermarket ]

Thersa Caputo: Hey, would you look at that hunk of ?? Isn’t that gorgeous? [ turns serious ] Who’s the young man who passed on suddenly?

Woman #1: [ crying ] My FRIEND!

[ cut to Theresa in another part of the supermarket ]

Thersa Caputo: Two egg rolls, please.

Cook: Okay.

Thersa Caputo: [ serious ] Did your mother drown?

Cook: [ crying ] She drowned in a river…!

[ cut to Theresa in a sauna ]

Thersa Caputo: Does the word “Caribbean” [?] mean anything to you? It’s like a little… metal thingy that you use when you go rock-climbing.

Woman #2: [ crying ] My whole FAMILY died rock-climbing!

Thersa Caputo: [ excited ] Oh, my God… I really AM a MEDIUM!!

[ cut to Theresa solo ]

Thersa Caputo: One of the problems with being a medium on Long Island, is that a lot of people have shared experiences with their loved ones.

[ cut to group session ]

Thersa Caputo: Okay… uhhh… who had the grandfather who choked on a meatball parm?

[ everyone in the room raises their hand ]

Everybody. Okay… uhhhh… His name was Sal.

[ one man lowers his hand ]

Thersa Caputo: Short for SalvaTore.

[ the man raises his hand again ]

Thersa Caputo: Well, they’re all at peace… and they’re all bowling.

[ everyone in the room claps their hands ]

Thersa Caputo: Yes! This is what I do!

[ cut to Theresa solo ]

Thersa Caputo: The thing about Long Island is, no one’s phased by a medium just coming up to you!

[ cut to Theresa approaching a woman in the supermarket ]

Thersa Caputo: My name is Theresa, I talk to the dead…

Wife: Yeah?

Thersa Caputo: I’ve seen your husband…

Wife: Yeah?

Thersa Caputo: He’s in a very bad place… he looks a mess, he looks terrible.

[ pan over to reveal the husband standing right there ]

Husband: Hey, FUCK you!

[ cut to Larry Caputo ]

Larry Caputo: Theresa’s always working. Last week, we went to this nice picnic. Just the four of us — her, me, our daughter… and this little guy! [ he points to his goatee ] Of course, Theresa — she can’t help herself.

[ cut to the Caputo Family on a picnic ]

Thersa Caputo: I’m seeing nuts… whose father loved nuts? Anybody? [ she turns to a squirrel ] Was it you? Okay. He wants you to know that he loves you… and he’s at peace.

[ cut to footage from all the previous locations ]

Thersa Caputo V/O: Being a medium isn’t just my job. It’s my life!

[ cut to Theresa solo ]

Thersa Caputo: Like I always say: I may be a medium… but at Chico’s, I’m a large! You may not be laughing, but your gradparents were! ] she points to Heaven and smiles ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 3

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

Three Days Later: A Look Back at the Obama Debate Disaster

Rachel Maddow…..Cecily Strong
Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
S. E. Cupp…..Kate McKinnon
Chris Matthews…..Jason Sudeikis

[Open on MSNBC title screen]

Announcer: We now return to the MSNBC special report, ‘Three Days Later: A Look Back At The Obama Debate Disaster’.

[Starwipe to set]

Rachel Maddow: Good evening. I’m Rachel Maddow. And tonight we try and pick up the pieces and make sense of Barack Obama’s performance, Wednesday’s debate. Or as we’re calling it at MSNBC, “The worst thing that ever happened anywhere”. [A title card beneath her reads ‘The Worst Thing That Ever Happened Anywhere’] Joining me tonight, the Reverend Al Sharpton.

Al Sharpton: I’ll never forget where I was the night of that debate. I was here.

Rachel Maddow: Our one conservative contributor, S. E. Cupp.

S. E. Cupp: [smiling widely] This has been the best week of my life.

Rachel Maddow: And joining us from outside the university of Colorado where he has refused to eat, shower, or sleep since the debate, Chris Matthews.

Chris Matthews: Eh, what the hell happened, I want answers!

Rachel Maddow: Reverend Sharpton, we’ll start with you. How do you think the president did?

Al Sharpton: Well, I think he did bad. But I would like now to make an excuse for why he was bad. You see, Obama was poisoned by the altitude. [A title card underneath him reads ‘Altitude Poisoning’] You see, Denver, Colorado is a mile high. Now, there is no way to know for sure how many feet that is. But it could be upwards of a million. Now, Obama’s from Hawaii, which is a mile below the earth. So for him, speaking at Colorado was like being flung two miles straight into the air then having to give a speech in outer space.

Rachel Maddow: Chris, were you disappointed in the president’s performance?

Chris Matthews: Disappointed? I’ve never been so disgusted in my life! I feel bad for whoever had to, you know, move the podiums afterwards because Obama took a giant dump behind his!

Rachel Maddow: That’s pretty harsh, Chris.

Chris Matthews: It’s true! He stunk! It’s one thing President Obama had nothing to say but why was he letting Governor Romney talk? Forgot the first rule of debating, always be interrupting! When I don’t have points to make on my show I make up for it by screaming at people! That’s how you win a debate!

Rachel Maddow: Well, Chris, I don’t know about that-

Chris Matthews: [Interrupting her] Bah bah bah bah bah, you’re wrong! See? Debate’s over, I win!

Rachel Maddow: Alright. S. E. Cupp, anything to add from the conservative perspective?

S. E. Cupp: No, Rachel, I’m happy to just listen and smile. I believe the term is gloating. [She does a small “raise the roof” motion.]

Al Sharpton: Uh, Rachel, if I may. I’ve come up with another excuse. Jet lag! Colorado is two time zones behind Washington. [A title card underneath him reads ‘”Two” Too Many’.] That makes it very hard for the internal clock to adjust. Also, Denver is in what’s known as the “western hemisphere”. So, say you need to go to the bathroom in Washington D.C. When you flush, the water goes clockwise. Whereas in Colorado, when you flush, the water shoots straight up your ass. It could throw a man off his game.

Rachel Maddow: I’ll admit it wasn’t the president’s best night but was Romney any better? I mean, why isn’t the media talking more about this classic Romney gaffe?

[A real clip of Mitt Romney speaking at the debate is played. He’s saying, “And say to a state ‘you’re gonna get what you got last year, plus infation- plation. Inflation.”]

Rachel Maddow: [A mocking smile] Uhh, talk much governor? Is it, is it “inflation” or “inplation”? Uhh, if so, what is “inplation”? Uh, let’s take another look. [They replay the “inflation” stumble in slow motion.] Not exactly presidential. And can we freeze frame it for a second? [It’s freeze framed on a particularly unflattering expression Romney is making.] Nice face, governor! I don’t know how they’re going to spin that one.

Al Sharpton: Uh, okay! I have a third, worse excuse. I believe that on the night of the debate, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama switched bodies. [A title card underneath him reads ‘Freaky Wednesday’.] Perhaps, and this is just a theory, perhaps they were exchanging pleasantries blackstage and Mitt said “Man, it’s not easy raising five boys.” And then Barack said, “You should try raising two girls.” And then they laughed and at the exact same time they said, “What I wouldn’t give to switch places.” Lightning strike! Just like that, Romney’s cool, Obama got no game.

Rachel Maddow: [Looks dumbfounded for a moment] Uh, moving forward. Any advice for Obama in his second debate, Chris?

Chris Matthews: Yeah! Stop being a pussy! You got pushed around for ninety minutes you need to make him fear you again! It’s time to go full blown Tyson! Show up in the next dab- in the next debate with a face tattoo! Not one of those subtle ones but one of these, one of these jobs, y’know? [He covers half his face with his hand] When he goes to shake your hand you bite his ear, you spit it on the ground, and you yell, “What are you gonna do, arrest me? I’m the president of the United States!”

Rachel Maddow: Al-alright, let’s take a break. When we return, a new segment called: ‘Is winning the election even that important’? The answer might surprise you.

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 3

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

A Sorry Lot We Are

Danny Gimps…..Daniel Craig
Raza…..Bill Hader
Rodney…..Bobby Moynihan
Waitress…..Kate McKinnon
Strange Guy…..Fred Armisen
Saucy Maggie…..Aidy Bryant
Man…..Tim Robinson

[ open on BBC program page ]

Announcer: You’re watching BBC. At 10 p.m., it’s the hilarious game show “I’m the Vicar, He’s the Bishop”; at 9 p.m., it’s “A resigned but Dignified look at Scottish Weather”; but, first, it’s the Season 45 premiere of the beloved working class drama “A Sorry Lot We Are”.

[ dissolve to rundown scenery, with title card and whistling soundtrack ]

[ dissolve to pub interior ]

[ Danny Gimps hangs his head in pity as his favorite sports team on TV loses ]

[ Raza and Rodney enter ]

Raza: What’s wrong there, Danny?

Danny: Oh, I just lost a tenner on the match!

Rodney: But that’s a replay of last week’s match.

Danny: I know! I lost a FIVER on it last week! I was just trying to win me money back!

Raza: Aww, Danny. Come on. Let’s have a pint.

[ they all sit at a table ]

Danny: So, Raza… what did the doctor say about your Mum?

Raza: I’m afraid it wasn’t good news. Turns out, she’s been dead for MONTHS.

Danny: Oh. She wasn’t just looking out the window, then?

Raza: Oh, she was — but she was DEAD.

Waitress: [ walking up ] Can I get you anything, Rodney?

Rodney: Uh — fish pie with jam, please.

Waitress: Yes. And you, Raza?

Raza: I’ll have a sliced tomato with some crushed cigarettes in it, love.

Waitress: Mmm-hmm. What about you, Danny?

Danny: No, I can’t stay — I’m on the job.

Waitress: Okay. [ she exits ]

Raza: You have a job now, do ya’?

Danny: That’s right! Me luck’s FINALLY turnin’ ’round! You know, I never thought I’d work again after they closed the mine…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the mill…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the pitch…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the quarry…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the dirt hole…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the rubbish pile…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: Then the Blockbusters…

Raza and Rodney: Aye!

Danny: But I think — I think I’m gonna have this job for a long, long time.

Rodney: What job is it, then?

Danny: I’m working in the Information Kiosk at the Olympics!

Raza: Ohhhh, nooooo…! Have you not heard, Danny? They closed down the Olympics!

Danny: They didn’t?!

Raza: They did! It was only ever gonna be for sixteen days.

Danny: Says who?!

Rodney: Well, says everyone, Danny! That’s how the Olympics work.

Danny: Awwww… BOLLOCKS!! They’ve done it to me AGAIN!!

Rodney: It’ll be alright, Danny. Look on the bright side — you could DIE soon.

Danny: I can’t keep holding on to THAT dream. What about me Olympic t-shirts? They’ve only just come back from the printers! [ he holds up a t-shirt that reads: “The Olympics Are Here Forever, Yeah?” ]

Raza: Ohhhhh, AWFUL, Danny!

Rodney: Oh, where’d you even get the money to pay for those?

Danny: I took out a loan!

Raza: Ohhhh, noooo…! A loan?! From who?

[ suddenly, a strange looking guy enters ]

Strange Guy: Well, well, well. Look at this sorry lot! What’s this? A POOFTER convention?

Rodney: No, mate!

Strange Guy: Oh, it isn’t? [ he removes a flyer from his jacket ] I’m looking for the Poofter Convention. It’s at the Open Line Pub. Is that nearby?

Rodney: It’s further down the road.

Strange Guy: Has it started yet?

Danny: What?

Strange Guy: THE POOFTER CONVENTION!!

Danny: I don’t know.

Strange Guy: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! [ he rushes out ]

Raza: Oh, no! Don’t look now, Danny — Saucy Maggy just walked in.

Saucy Maggie: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Why, if it isn’t my first love — Little Danny Gimps — all grown up!

Danny: How’s the new baby, Maggie?

Saucy Maggie: Ohhh, haven’t you heard? Turns out I wasn’t pregnant at all — I was just working on a FART! [ she laughs boisterously ] Ohhhh, I MISS you, Danny! oooohhhh, do ya’ ever miss me? [ she rubs her chest ] Do ya’ miss my personality? Do ya’, Danny?

Danny: No, Maggie, I’m married now. I ove my wife — even though she’s stuck in a chimney.

Saucy Maggie: Ohhhh! I could make ya’ feel reaaallll good!

Danny: No, Maggie!

Saucy Maggie: Alright… alright. But then, take one last look at what you’re missing! [ she laughs boisterously, then exits the pub ]

Danny: [ to Raza ] I still love her, you know.

Raza: Yeah, I know… we know. We know.

Danny: What am I gonna do?

Raza: Don’t worry, we’ll do what we always do when thet take away our jobs: We’ll put together an all-male strip show, or, worse comes to worse, we’ll cash a dead man’s lottery ticket,

Danny: No, no! This time, I want a job with DIGNITY!

[ suddenly, a man enters ]

Man: Hi there! Hi there! Have you heard the good news?

Danny: What?!

Man: There’s been another pedophile scandal! The cops need to hire an extra bloke for the line-up, for the wee ones to point at! One cent, one hour, one time only!

Danny: Oh, our luck has changed! Let’s go! [ he and Raza stand up, as Rodney remains seated ] Come on, pal! Do you want to be in the pedophile line-up?

Rodney: Eh — no.

[ they all raise their glasses ]

All: To the Queen!

[ freeze-frame with title slide ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 3


]]>

12c: Daniel Craig / Muse

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Big Bird…..Carol Spinney
Cecilia Giminez…..Kate McKinnon

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening! I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Well, you have to hand it to Mitt Romney — because President Obama sure did.

Many political experts were surprised that during Wednesday’s debate, President Obama failed to mention Mitt Romney’s infamous 47% comment. Obama elected to take the high road, forgetting that that road leads to building houses with Jimmy Carter.

During Wednesday’s debate, Mitt Romney said that, even though he likes Big Bird, if elected, he would stop the subsidy to PBS. It’s a surprising threat, considering that “Mitt” is such an excellent Muppet name.

Romney went on to say that if elected, he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week’s “Sesame Street” was brought to you by the letter this: [ image: Chinese symbol ]

According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday’s debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.

Seth Meyers: The general consensus from Wednesday night’s debate was that Mitt Romney was the winner and Barack Obama was the loser. But there were other winners and losers that night — which means that it’s time for “Winners and Losers”!

[ title card appears ]

Loser: Moderator Jim Lehrer. He was like a ghost visiting a scene from his past life. “Hello? Mr. President? Governor Romney? Can’t anyone hear me?!” Just helplessly waving his arms, trying to get their attention — he looked like an out-of-towner trying to hail a cab at rush hour! When you’re dealing with two people who want to be the Most Powerful Man on Earth, you can’t sit ther stammering like Hugh Grant in a rom-com. [ stammering ] “Gentlemen, we absolutely… we must… we must move on!” Also, Jim — you gotta keep the guys to time. If that’s how long you think two minutes is, your wife is a lucky woman.

Winner: Fox News. When that thing ended, you guys must have looked at each other and said, “I think we can report this one exactly as it happened.” When I turned over to your post-debate coverage, I expected to see Sean Hannity getting a Gatorade shower!

Loser: Michelle Obama. It must be hard to watch your husband take a beating like that on your anniversary. You went in there thinking you were with Blaine… but you went home with Duckie.

Winner: “Downton Abbey”. Mitt Romney thinks we’re spending too much money on PBS, but he goes after Big Bird instead of you guys? Your set is the nicest house in ENGLAND! Big Bird has lived on the same city street for 43 years! He has friends who already live in garbage!

Winner: People with Pre-existing Medical Conditions. Romney defended his health care plan, claiming that, like ObamaCare, it will take care of you.

Loser: People with Pre-existing Medical Conditionsm because, you know… he’s not telling the truth!

Biggest Winner: AMERICA! Is there anything more exciting than Joe Biden thinking it’s up to him to get the lead back? It’s TiVo time! There’s, like, a 50% chance he’s gonna come out at the next debate with his shirt off! He’s probably covering himself with animal fat right now so he can make himself harder to grab!

Biggest Loser: Joe Biden’s staff. “Mr Vice-President, you have to take it down, like, a million per cent, and put your shirt back on!”

Announcer: [ over title slide ] This has been… “Winners and Losers”.

Seth Meyers: In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him, and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?

This Sunday marks the 5th annual New Jersey Zombie Walk. So if you see someone with dead, lifeless eyes trudging around New Jersey, ask them where you can find the Zombie Walk.

Seth Meyers: During the Presidential debate Wednesday night, Gov. Mitt Romney said he would end the subsidies to PBS, adding, “I like PBS. I like Big Bird.” Here now to comment — Big Bird! [ Big Bird appear to thunderous applause ] Here he is! Thank you for coming, Big Bird!

Big Bird: Well, thanks fo having me, Mr. Meyers! [ he yawns ]

Seth Meyers: Why are you yawning? Are you bored already?

Big Bird: No, no. It’s just that it’s, like, seven hours past my bedtime.

Seth Meyers: That’s okay, I should have thought of that. So, Big Bird — How did you find out your name had been mentioned in the debate?

Big Bird: Oh, I got a million Tweets.

Seth Meyers: Oh, okay! So you’re on Twitter?

Big Bird: No! I’m a bird! Tweeting is how we talk.

Seth Meyers: Okay!

Big Bird: Uh — What’s a Twitter?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh — it’s kinda, like, hard to explain. I wouldn’t know how to, uh… go about it.

Big Bird: Oh, well, uh… ha ha! I was just kidding. I know what a Twitter is!

Seth Meyers: okay.

Big Bird: Sesame Street has Wi-Fi!

Seth Meyers: Oh, well! Thart’s a pretty big deal. So, Big Bird, has the mention at the debate affected you at all?

Big Bird: Oh, it has! I feel like I’m famous now. I was walking down the street the other day, and I felt like everybody recognized me!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Big Bird: It’s so weird to think that just a few days ago, I could just blend in like every other perfectly normal 8-foot-tall talking bird.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, that must be very hard for you. So, before you go, do you have any political statement you’d like to make?

Big Bird: No. I-I don’t want to ruffle any feathers. But — but I do have a political joke. Can I tell it?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, of course!

Big Bird: Okay. [ he clears his throat ] You’re gonna love it!

Seth Meyers: I can’t wait!

Big Bird: Do you know who loves de-bates?

Seth Meyers: Who?

Big Bird: De-fishes!

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah.

Big Bird: Yeah, ’cause fish eat bait!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, no — I get it.

Big Bird: It’s a thinker.

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] It is a thinker! Big Bird, everyone!

Big Bird: Thank you!

Seth Meyers: So — so tall!

A growing number of dairy farmers in the Midwest are dealing with the rising price of corn by feeding their cows candy such as marshmallows and gummy worms. Of course, it’s a nightmare when it’s time to get those cows to go to bed. [ image: caffeineated cow ]

A new company has begun selling plaques for gravestones that contain QR codes, allowing visitors to the grave site to scan the code and be sent to a webpage about the deceased. Though I don’t think it’s a good idea for the webpage to have a comments section. [ image: words “R.I.P. Loser!” ]

The MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas has created a series of new “StayWell” rooms designed to promote a healthy way of living, including Vitamin infused showers, antimicrobial coatings on furniture and extra soundproofing. “I’ll take it!” said a murderer.

A new device is being tested that sends farmers a text message when their dairy cows are in heat. Disturbingly, the text reads “Hey, you up?”

Pennsylvania police arrested a woman who allegedly had hidden 36 glass vials of cocaine in her vagina. Police became suspicious when she walked by them and it sounded like someone adjusting a chandelier.

Veterinarians are saying they have seen a rise in the number of incidents of dogs being stoned in places where medical marijuana is legal. And there’s nothing sadder than a normally energetic dog just sitting there, staring at his own paw.

Seth Meyers: A woman from Borja, Spain, who some say ruined a famous painting, has hired a lawyer. Cecilia Giminez was asked to restore “Ecce Homo”, a painting of Jesus that started out like this… [ image of original painting ] and was repainted like this. [ image: altered painting ] And now she’s seeking a cut of the profits. Here to explain is the artist herself — Cecilia Giminez.

Cecilia Giminez: [ proudly ] Everybody love-a my painting! Now give me my money!

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Well, now, it wasn’t that your painting has been a hit, tourists from all over the world are coming to see it, making the Church tens of thousands of dollars… but most people would say that you ruined it.

Cecilia Giminez: I no ruin it! Here — [ she picks up her painting ] It look good! Why everybody so mad at me? Everybody so angry!Now I want-a my money! I have to buy-a wine!

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Okay, so I have to ask: Did someone give you permission to try and fix this painting in the first place?

Cecilia Giminez: Of course-a, Seth! I have-a permission from Jesus! It’s-a more ACCURATE now, Demon-Man!

Seth Meyers: Wait — you got permission from Jesus?

Cecilia Giminez: Yes! Seth Jesus, he came to me in a dream. And Jesus, he look at me with his-a enormous round-a monkey face. And-a poor Jesus, Jesus had-a broken his-a arm. And-a he was-a wrapped up in a little jelly-roll scroll.

Seth Meyers: Alright, so you’re saying Jesus looks like your painting?

Cecilia Giminez: Yes! Oh, Seth, he was-a so beautiful! He had-a beautiful hair, and it became a big-a scarf. It was a scarf made of hair, and it wrapped around his-a little brown, expressionless face. And then, he looked at-a me with-a dead, black eyes!

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] He had black eyes?

Cecilia Giminez: I know, I know… I was surprised as you! It was such a rabid eye, Seth! I said, “Jesus, why you look like a shark?” And Jesus say, “I think it look cool!” I say, “Okay! They’re going to say I’m a bad painter, but okay!” And Jesus say — he give a little laugh, like this… [ she holds up her nose ] ‘Cause he cannot-a breathe, with his-a little nose. Between you and me, Seth, I think he had some work done. I don’t ask him, no, it’s not my place.

Seth Meyers: Have you ever painted before?

Cecilia Giminez: I paint-a all the time, Seth! I do a painting of you. You are so handsome!

Seth Meyers: Oh! Thank you!

Cecilia Giminez: You look-a like the most handsome man I see in so long! You’re-a tiny, pointy skunk nose…

Seth Meyers: No, no…

Cecilia Giminez: You-re-a melting eyes…

Seth Meyers: No, that doesn’t seem right to me…

Cecilia Giminez: Your entire moustache starts here, and it goes all the way up and-a around your head like a black aura, I see!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, the problem is you don’t even see things the same.

Cecilia Giminez: I already fixed you, Seth! Here you are! [ she holds up a painting that looks nothing like Seth ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah. No, I don’t think that’s right.

Cecilia Giminez: Oh, it’s perfect, yes? Now give me my money!

Seth Meyers: Alright! Cecilia Giminez, everybody! For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Amazon Kindle

Dad #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #1…..Kristen Wiig
Dad #2…..Bill Hader
Mom #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Man…..Taran Killam
Mom #3…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on mailman delivering an Amazon package to a townhouse ]

[ cut to interior, townhouse, as Dad #1 opens the package and pulls out a Chambord French press coffee maker ]

Announcer: This Mother’s Day, why not show Mom just how special she is? By surprising her with one of MILLIONS of gifts from Amazon.com?

Dad #1: Alright, let’s be quiet… Mom has no idea we’re bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shhh, shhh, shhh…

Announcer: Which means there’s a million ways to give your mother a surprise she’ll never forget.

[ Dad and the kids rush into the bedroom ]

Dad #1 and Kids: Happy Mother’s Day!!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under the covers with one leg stretched into the air ]

Mom #1: GET OUT!!

Dad #1: [ stunned ] “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Isn’t that… that sex book?

Mom #1: [ embarrassed ] What?! Of course not!

Daughter: [ holding up vibrator ] Look — a microphone! [ singing ] “Mommyyyyy!”

[ Mom grabs her vibrator, as Dad gasps ]

[ cut to Dad #2 preparing a gift basket of goodies from Amazon ]

Announcer: Because, at Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away.

[ Dad and his son rush up the stairs and push the bathroom door open ]

Dad #2 and Son: Surprise!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a bubble bath, with her legs pressed upon the wall ]

Mom #2: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!

Dad #1: Is that “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #2: No! It’s… it’s a cook book.

Son: Mom! We got you bath stuff!

Mom #2: I see that, Jonah. Thank you. [ she lifts a gloved hand out of the bath and points ] Just… put it down on the ground.

[ cut to Man wheeling a new washing machine down the hall ]

Announcer: On Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in ALL sizes.

[ he opens the laundry room door ]

Man: Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ reveal Mom wearing dog collar with her crotch pressed against the working dryer as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” ]

Man: Oh — “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #3: Get out!

Man: [ spotting a framed photo on the dryer ] Is that Joel McHale?

Mom #3: No, it’s your dad! Get out!!

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: So, this Mother’s Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants: “Fifty Shades of Grey”. On Kindle!

[ return to Dad #1 operating the camera in the bedroom ]

Dad #1: Alright, come on — get next to the kids! Are you ready? [ Mom and the covers stands behind the kids ] 1… 2… 3! [ he clicks the picture ] Yayyyyy!

[ cut to rear angle, to reveal Mom’s bare pixellated ass ]

Dad #1: [ looking at picture ] Oh, no… you seem angry.

[ Mom smirks ]

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: The Kindle. What are you reading, Mom? We’ll never know.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Little Brothers

…..Eli Manning
Older Brother…..Andy Samberg

Eli Manning: Hi. I’m Eli Manning, and I’m a proud ambassador to the Little Brothers program.

[ dissolve to Manning outdoors with a group of small kids ]

Eli Manning V/O: Our organization helps kids build confidence, reach their goals, and overcome their adversity — especially when that adversity… is an older sibling.

[ cut to Manning sitting on a bench with a little brother ]

Eli Manning: So… what does your older brother do to you?

Little Brother: He breaks my toys and doesn’t allow me to play with my video games.

Eli Manning: Let’s find a creative solution to fix that.

[ dissolve to older brother’s bedroom, as he enters brushing his teeth, surprised to see a stern-looking Eli Manning sitting on his bed with his younger brother ]

Brother: Are you Eli Manning?

Eli Manning: Nope. I’m your worst fucking nightmare!

[ cut to Manning holding the older brother upside-down over an open-mouthed toilet ]

Eli Manning V/O: I understand the frustration of an older brother who thinks he can boss you around.

[ cut to Manning and the little brother playing video games together ]

Eli Manning: This is fun, right?

Little Brother: Yeah!

[ zoom out to reveal Manning giving the older brother an atomic wedgie ]

Eli Manning: Right?! [ he tugs harder ]

Brother: Yes, sir! It’s fun!

[ cut to an older brother messing with his younger brother on a street corner ]

Eli Manning V/O: At Little Brothers, we’re ready to face any level of big brother problems.

[ the older brother stops laughing when he looks up to see Eli Manning running straight for him ]

Eli Manning V/O: We know that big brothers… can be real dickheads!

[ Manning tackles the older brother and shoves his face into the dirt ]

[ cut to Manning testimonial ]

Eli Manning: We also provide kids with great sports and activities. Like Dodge Ball…

[ cut to Manning and little brothers in attack stance to throw dodge balls at an older brother chained to a fence ]

Brother: Stop!!

Eli Manning V/O: T-Ball…

[ cut to Manning and a little brother using an older brother’s mouth as a t-ball stand, then swinging on the close-up ]

Eli Manning V/O: And Archery.

[ cut to Manning holding a bow-and-arrow ]

Eli Manning: I’ll give you a five-second head start. [ the older brother runs for it ] 1… 2… [ he takes aim ] Good enough!

[ cut to Manning standing over an open car trunk ]

Eli Manning: Maybe now you’ll learn to treat your younger brother with some RESPECT, Peyton!

Older Brother: [ inside car trunk ] My name is not Peyton!!

Eli Manning: Whatever! [ he slams the trunk shut ]

[ dissolve to Manning standing with a group of little brothers ]

Eli Manning: The Little Brothers program. Because a time of reckoning is now at hand!

[ they all begin to laugh maniacally ]

Eli Manning: YES!! YES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Fox and Friends

Steve Doocy…..Taran Killam
Gretchen Carlson…..Vanessa Bayer
Brian Kilmeade…..Bobby Moynihan
Rupert Murdoch…..Fred Armisen

[ opening graphics ]

Announcer: You’re watching “Fox and Friends.”

[ dissolve to the morning show hosts on-set ]

Steve Doocy: Thank you! Welcome back to the third hour of “Fox and Friends.” I’m Steve Doocy, and, joining me as always — Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade!

Gretchen Carlson: Oh, good morning! [ she laughs ]

Brian Kilmeade: Happy Monday!

Steve Doocy: Did everybody have a good weekend?

Gretchen Carlson: GREAT weekend!

Brian Kilmeade: I finally took the tree down!

Steve Doocy: Oh, great! You know, THAT’S how you fight the liberal war on Christmas — you keep the tree up ’til May!

Gretchen Carlson: You know, I heard the White House doesn’t even call it a Christmas tree — they call it a “Holiday” tree.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, man! I had to throw mine out because a raccoon had babies in it!

Steve Doocy: Miracle of life! Well, this week was the one-year anniversary of the death of Osama bin Laden. And shame on President Barack Obama, who is running a campaign ad that argues Mit Romney would not have made the same decision to launch the raid?

Gretchen Carlson: It’s ridiculous! ANYONE would have launched that raid!

Steve Doocy: Absolutely! I mean, name ONE person who wouldn’t have launched that raid!

Brian Kilmeade: I can name one person who wouldn’t have launched that raid: Barack Obama!

Steve Doocy: No… Brian…

Gretchen Carlson: No, that doesn’t work this time.

Brian Kilmeade: But it always works!

Steve Doocy: Not this time — he already did it. Yeah, no… yep, yep!

Gretchen Carlson: Uh, also — I’m just gonna say something…

Steve Doocy: Uh-oh! Look out! Here she goes!

Gretchen Carlson: How do we know bin Laden is really dead?

Brian Kilmeade: Whoa, there it is!

Gretchen Carlson: I’m serious! Okay? So they say they have pictures. Okay? Well, you can do a lot with Photoshop!

Steve Doocy: Hmm…

Gretchen Carlson: Okay? You can make it look like glaciers are melting.

Steve Doocy: Oh, wow!

Gretchen Carlson: Okay? I once saw a picture of a mountain with four presidents’ faces on it. OKay? That’s not real!

Steve Doocy: I saw that! That’s not real! That’s not real!

Brian Kilmeade: And, sometimes, people who you think are dead, aren’t dead. I mean, I thought Tupac Shakur was dead, and then I saw he did a concert, why, just last week.

Steve Doocy: No… no… that was a hologram, Brian.

Brian Kilmeade: Uh, but if Tupac was a hologram, the bullet would have gone right through him.

Gretchen Carlson: Hmm… Well, I, for one, hope that Hologram Tupac doesn’t turn to a life of crime.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. Sure.

Gretchen Carlson: Because he would be impossible to catch. Alright? [ demonstrating ] I got him! Oh, no — he’s gone!”

Steve Doocy: THat’s a good point. That’s a really good point.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t know, maybe call the Ghostbusters?

Steve Doocy: Yeah. Alright, moving on… the White House Correspondents Dinner was last week, and there was the President telling jokes again!

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, he’s always telling jokes!

Steve Doocy: I mean, I guess the President thinks what’s happening to this country is funny?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah! I’ve got a joke for him: What is black and white and lies?

Steve Doocy: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Brian Kilmeade: What?! What’d I do? What? What’s the problem?

Steve Doocy: Brian, do NOT say Barack Obama!

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I was going to say a panda on Weight Watchers. I mean, black and white and lies: “This bamboo is only six points.” [ he laughs ]

Gretchen Carlson: Well, why were you going to say that?

Brian Kilmeade: I mean, we were just talking about jokes, it popped into my head.. it’s just so funny!

Steve Doocy: Hmm. Well, one person who’s not laughing this week is Rupert Murdoch, who’s under investigation by British authorities for hacking phones.

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, so he taped some phone calls. So what?!

Brian Kilmeade: If people didn’t tape phone calls, we never would have had the Jerky Boys!

Steve Doocy: Great point! Great point! Joining us now, live via satellite in London — Rupert Murdoch! Good morning, Rupert!

Rupert Murdoch: [ smiling like a weasel ] Hello, my children!

Brian Kilmeade: Now… you’re in London, correct?

Rupert Murdoch: Correct!

Brian Kilmeade: Now… is it true it’s five hours later there?

Rupert Murdoch: Yes!

Brian Kilmeade: So… you could watch the Yankee game, and then tell us who won before anyone else here knew?

Rupert Murdoch: What?

Steve Doocy: Oh, Brian… please.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t understand. I bet that’s how he made his fortune, betting on sports!

Steve Doocy: No, no… Alright, now we should disclose that Rupert Murdoch owns Fox News.

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah, and I’d like to disclose that I think Rupert Murdoch is great!

Rupert Murdoch: Thank you.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, and you know, so do I. Why does disclosing have to be so negative?

Gretchen Carlson: Yeah! Right!

Brian Kilmeade: And I should disclose that I don’t quite know what “disclose” means.

Rupert Murdoch: What in the hell is going ON over there?!

Gretchen Carlson: Guys, we’re being rude to our guest. Now, Rupert — what is this parliamentary committee so mad about?

Rupert Murdoch: Oh, they accused me of having a lack of ETHICS!

Steve Doocy: Ooooookay! Here we go again! Affirmative action rears its ugly head again!

Gretchen Carlson: You should only hire an ethnic if you want to hire an ethnic!

Steve Doocy: Absolutely! Absolutely!

Rupert Murdoch: Not “lack of ethnics“! “Lack of ETHICS”! You’re the dumbest people I’ve ever met, and I’m from Australia!

Steve Doocy: Oh! Australia, huh? “G’day, mate!” [ he laughs ]

Gretchen Carlson: “Top of the morning!” [ she laughs ]

Brian Kilmeade: “Hakuna matata!” [ he laugh and tips an invisible hat ]

Steve Doocy: So what’s next for Rupert Murdoch?

Rupert Murdoch: I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m not gonna let this stop me! I’m gonna continue on with my great Socialist experiment of seeing how misinformed a person can be while hosting a morning news program! [ he laughs ]

Steve Doocy: Oh!

Gretchen Carlson: Well, good luck with that!

Steve Doocy: Yeah, keep us updated!

Brian Kilmeade: [ laughing nervously ] “A panda at Weight Watchers!” [ he laughs ] “Oh, bamboo is only six points — I swear!”

Gretchen Carlson: We’ll take a quick break, but first — our fact checkers have looked over the first two hours of the show, and we have a few corrections!

[ scroll:

“There are currently no bills before the House that would require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.

The Taliban is not producing cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”

Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.

Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.

Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.

Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”

President Barack Obama does not plan to take the “forwarding” option away from email.

Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.

Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.

Turtles do not have “tiny TVs and sofa beds” inside their shells.

Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.

“National Treasure” is a not a documentary even though it feels very real.

Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”

Mormons breathe air.

Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t believe it.”

Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground.

“Psych” is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind Experiment.

It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.

Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.

Congress has not declared a “War on Jean Shorts.”

It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.

Babies tend to like hugs.

It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.

John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincolns attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”

There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”

You do not need a spaceship to get to China.

The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.

Yellow and blue make green, not “blellow.”

The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.

Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.

It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.

Baseball is a land sport.

It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.” ]

Gretchen Carlson: We’ll be right back, but first…

All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Goodnights

…..Eli Manning

Eli Manning: Thanks to Rihanna, Sacha Baron Cohen and Martin Scorcese. Thanks to Lorne Michaels, and everybody for coming out. It was such a great show. The cast, they were unbelievable. THank you all so much for coming out, it’s so awesome!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Eli Manning’s Monologue

…..Eli Manning
…..David Baas
…..David Diehl
…..Chris Snee
…..Shaun O’Hara
…..Abby McGrew
Audience Member #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #3…..Kate McKinnon
Audience Member #4…..Bill Hader
Audience Member #5…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #6…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eli Manning!

Eli Manning: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! After TWO Super Bowls… this is definitely the THIRD most exciting night of my life! The New York fans have been GREAT to us! We had a big parade downtown, where we took the Lombardi trophy to the heart of the city — and now we have no idea where it is!

I’m a little out of my element, but I have some guys here who ALWAYS have my back — my offensive line. [ reveal David Baas, David Diehl, Chris Snee, and Shaun O’Hara in the balcony ] They go with me everywhere — parties, restaurants… they were even with me in the room with me and my wife, Abby, when our daughter was born. Wasn’t that great, honey? [ reveal Abby McGrew in the audience, laughing, but shaking her head No ]

You know — I grew up in New Orleans, went to school in Mississippi, but I gotta say, I finally feel like a REAL New Yorker! It took a few years… but now, I’m an expert. So if there are any tourists here tonight, I’d be glad to answer your questions. [ pointing ] Oh. Yes?

Audience Member #1: Yeah. My family and I were wondering: What’s the BEST place to get Italian food in New York City?

Eli Manning: Well… there’s a great place called The Olive Garden. You gotta go to New Jersey… but it’s worth it.

Audience Member #1: So… I have to go to New Jersey for New York pasta?

Eli Manning: Hey — I play for the New York Giants, and all my games are played in New Jersey. [ pointing ] Yes?

Audience Member #2: Hi. My wife and I thought we’d see a Broadway show?

Audience Member #3: Yeah, do you have any recommendations?

Eli Manning: “Cats”! You gotta see “Cats”! It’s cats… who can sing!

Audience Member #2: Is that even still playing?

Eli Manning: I don’t know. I saw the ad on TV when I was a kid. It was so great. You know what? Even if it’s not playing, do what I used to do — put the “Cats” soundtrack on your iPod, and then go to a pet store and look at some cats! It’s like you’re watching a bunch of singing cats! [ pointing ] How about you?

Audience Member #4: I want to explore a little. Is there a place I can do a walking tour?

Eli Manning: Absolutely! New York has so many GREAT neighborhoods: SoHo… NoHo… BeBo…J-Lo… Flo-Jo. You gotta explore them all!

Audience Member #4: [ confused ] Where is BeBo?

Eli Manning: [ shrugs ] Hey — fugetaboutit! Right? Fugetaboutit! [ pointing ] Yep?

Audience Member #5: Uh — what do you do in the city to just have fun?

Eli Manning: Oh, man… I’m glad you asked that! I do this ALL the time: Get some bulky shopping bags and three of the FATTEST kids I can find. Just big, husky kids. Then we all walk hand-in-hand next to each other in Times Square — slow as Hell! It’s SO fun! Last year, one of us got hit in the head with a brick! It was hilarious! [ looking around ] Anyone else? [ pointing ] Yeah?

Audience Member #6: I know a lot of celebrities live in the city. Any hot places to spot a famous person?

Eli Manning: Of course! I see famous people every day, because I stand in the audience outside “The Today Show”. Look at this:

[ reveal photo of Al Roker, Ann Curry and Matt Laurer standing outside, with Manning behind the barricade in a rainbow wig and holding a sign that reads “Quarterbacks do it in 2 minutes.” ]

Eli Manning: Look close! There’s me in the rainbow wig with a hilarious sign! It was SO cool! I got to be on LIVE TV! When will I do that again?

So that’s my New York! If you don’t like it… fugetaboutit! We’ve got a great show — Rihanna is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

A Message from the President of the United States

Written by: Jim Downey

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. It was exactly one year ago last Tuesday, May 1, 2011, that U.S. Navy Seal Team 6, acting on my orders, put an end to the career of Osama bin Laden. I hope you had a safe and joyous first anniversary of his killing, and that you were able to spend it with those you love. This is a special time of year, when we gather together with family and friends to commemorate the shooting of this terrorist, and the gutsy decision that made it possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be at home this year, as I had to fly to Afghanistan to remind President Karzai that, exactly one year ago, we killed Osama bin Laden, and that the decision to do so was a gutsy one. And was mine. To Michelle, Sasha, and Malia: I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you this time. You know there’s no place I’d rather be on Killing Osama bin Laden Day than with you. But I’ll be home for the next Killing Osama bin Laden Day. If only, as the song goes, in my dreams.

Now tonight, I want to talk to you about the economy. But first, a little more about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Why is it that Mitt Romney refuses to join the rest of his fellow Americans in commemorating the first year anniversary? Does he think that killing Osama bin Laden wasn’t the right thing to do, or that it wasn’t “gutsy”? Why all this sympathy for a terrorist? Could it be they shared some special bond, since Mitt and Osama were both members of the One Percent? He’s weird.

Now, I’ll get to the economy in a minute, but while I’m on the subject, there seems to be some confusion among the general public about when exactly we celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day. Many of you apparently think it’s the first Sunday in May, whatever date that falls on. Wrong. He may have been killed on the first Sunday of May, but Killing Osama bin Laden Day is always celebrated May 1st, the date of the actual killing, whatever day of the week that falls on. Are we clear? Also, in response to numerous queries, here are the appropriate gifts for each anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, according to the White House Office of Etiquette.

[ he reads from a sheet of paper ]

For the first anniversary: Paper. And the gemstone is opal.

For the fifth anniversary: Wood. The gemstone is amethyst.

For the tenth anniversary: Tin. Really. Tin. Many people think it’s silver, but it’s not. It’s tin. Remember that. You don’t want to be embarrassed. But you can also add your own ideas. For example, I’ve already promised Michelle and the girls, for the Tenth Anniversary, I’m taking them to Orlando.

One more thing: I want to remind us all that, when sending a Killing of Osama bin Laden anniversary card, or offering best wishes on Killing Osama bin Laden Day to a friend who happens to be Muslim, we should be considerate of Islamic cultural tradition. To many Muslims, phrases like Osama bin Laden “went dirt-napping,” or “assumed room temperature,” or “sleeps with the fishes,” can be offensive. Especially the last one, since, as we all know, he was buried at sea. And, of course, let’s all remember that heavy drinking and Killing Osamabin Laden Day are never a good combination. So please celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day responsibly. After all, it’s the “gutsy” decision.

Well, I’m afraid that’s all I have time for tonight. The economy, by the way, is looking fantastic. Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts