Quarterback’s Injury

Al Michael… Beck Bennett

Chris Collinsworth… Adam Driver

Jared Schleff… Pete Davidson

Michelle Tafoya… Cecily Strong

Lucas Kavner… Kenan Thompson

Bruce Erin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Al and Chris in their set]

Al: We’re back with 4th quarter with Arizona leading Green Bay, 28-17. Al Michael here with you along with Chris Collinsworth. And this game has been a nightmare for the packers, Chris.

Chris: It really has. After losing their first three quarterbacks to injury, Green Bay has turned into a 4th string back who I’ve never heard of.

[Cut to Jared smiling with his team jersey on.]

Al: Jared Schleff has not taken a snap for Green Bay all year. [Cut to Al and Chris] But here he is in the biggest game of the season.

Chris: Well, the playoff is certainly where you’ll find the most unlikely of heroes.

Al: Absolutely. Let’s go down to the field where Schleff is in the shotgun.

[Cut to the ground. The game is on.]

He takes the snap.

[Opponent player breaks Jared’s legs too.]

Oh my god!

Chris: Oh! Sweet mercy!

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Um, folks. This is one of the worst injuries I’ve seen in my 40 year career.

Chris: That’s just devastating. I think watching that made me sick.

Al: Absolutely. No one should ever have to witness something that shocking. Let’s see it again.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Oh my god!

Chris: I do pray for him. I do.

Al: Absolutely.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: Let me assure all the viewers at home that we are not gonna subject you to that again… from that angle. This new angle is much better.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking from different angle]

Oh, wow! That new angle makes me thing this is CGI or something. Legs don’t do that.

Al: Yeah. [Cut to Al and Chris] Let’s go to our sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya who’s with Packer’s team doctor Lucas Kavner.

[Cut to Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Dr. Kavner, obviously a really tough injury for Schleff. Will be be back on the field?

Lucas: Well, it looked pretty bad but he’s a young man. I wouldn’t give up on him. I can’t diagnose it because I couldn’t really see what exactly happened.

Michelle: Oh, you know what? We have it right here.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

Lucas: Oh, lord! Take my eyes.

[Cut to Lucas]

Blind me lord! Oh, he’s done. He’s done forever.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: We’ll check in with Michelle in a little bit

Chris: Obviously, this is a full contact sport. But nobody should have to see something this gruesome and appalling. Luckily we’ll never have to watch that clip again.

Al: And the Arizona coach is asking to see the clip again. [Cut to Bruce] Looks like Bruce Erin has turned the challenge flag.

Chris: Oh, he believes that Schleff fumbled the ball.

Al: But did he? Let’s take a look.

[Cut to slow motion video of Jared’s legs breaking.]

I think that’s a fumble.

Chris: Remember, the play is dead when the front of you knee toughes the ground.

Al: Sure, but what about the back of your knee?

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Chris: I don’t know.

Al: In the meantime, let’s go back to Michelle who’s with Jared Schleff.

[Cut to Jared, Michelle and Lucas]

Michelle: Um, Dr. Kavner is doing what he can for Schleff. He’s holding a bible. Now he’s pulled out a gun. He seems to be weighing his options. Back to you, Al.

[Cut to Al and Chris]

Al: Okay. Let’s move on to something fun. Our AT&T fan pinion of the game. Tonight’s fan pinion is about… [Jared’s picture appears behind Al and Chris] Jared Schleff. What do you think was the worst part of Jared’s injury? Wast it! A, the nauseating reality that legs could bend like that. B, that sound, that terrible sound. Or, C, knowing that somewhere deep down, this is why you watch football. [Cut to Al and Chris] Text us your answers. We’ll have the results after this commercial. When we return, Green Bay finds another quarterback.

Chris: Looks like the coach is asking volunteers from the crowd. Big opportunity for the fans.

Al: Oh, wow!

[The End]

America’s Funniest Cats

Finn Raynal-Beads… Adam Driver

Joella Ru… Cecily Strong

Ruella Soup… Kate McKinnon

Producer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with America’s Funniest Cats intro]

Intro song: America’s looking at cat
America’s looking at cat
America’s funniest cats!

Male voice: With your host, Finn Raynal-Beads.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Hey there. I’m Finn Raynald, not Raynold, Beads. I don’t know how many times I have to throw a feed about that. I confronted so many people and everyone just points a finger at someone else. But someone is responsible. That doesn’t just happen!

Hey guys! Thanks for all the great pet videos this week including this one from a cat owner who suspected that someone had been going through her drawers. Take a look.

[Cut to a cat pulling red panties out of the drawer.] [making cat voice] Oh boy! I know they’re in there somewhere. Yes, these panties are gonna look great on this pussy’s booty. [cat looking at the camera] Oh! Sorry ma’am. It’s not what it looks like.

[Cut to Finn]

Alright! We got an amazing trade for you today. So apparently there’s a French version of this show and with me today are the two hosts, Joella Ru and Ruella Soup. Come on out here, ladies.

[Joella and Ruella walk in to the stage]

Okay, thanks for coming all the way from Paris you guys. Tell me little bit about your show.

Ruella: [in French accent] The show is called [unintelligible]

Joella: You know, because in Paris we are the center of the world as far as arts and culture. So you know, when we see this show of your’s, you know, we say, “We have to have this.”

Ruella: We no rest until we have the show.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Is that real or you guys like making fun of me?

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Ah, no, no, no. We just put fund at cat.

Ruella: They don’t care.

[Cut to Finn]

Finn: Okay. Then I’m gonna let you guys handle this next clip of a cat who has his first taste of ice-cream.

[Cut to a video of a cat with it’s face inside the ice-cream cup.]

Joella: Oh, this cat has seconds to live. She purposefully get out of oxygen.

Ruella: His life is too much to bear. He is quietly backing out of this world.

Joella: She will not be missed.

Ruella: That’s a funny cat.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Yeah, very funny cat.

Finn: Okay, wow. You guys doing a little different than us. We try to make the bloopers a little sillier like with, sound effects and stuffs. Do you know what I mean?

[Joella and Ruella start speaking in French with each other.]

Ruella: We can try.
Finn: Oh, yes. Great! Throw some boyo-yos in there. I’m just gonna roll a bunch of clips and you guys just go crazy, okay?

[Cut to different video clips of cats]

Ruella: Boyoyo! This cat has neurological disorder. She cannot gaze this distance between herself and couch.

Joella: Boyoyo! This cat is certainly dead. That is despasm.

Ruella: Waka-waka! This cat also is dead. She is in her death costume.

Joella: This evil maniac cat has walked into a TV, will not come back the same.

Ruella: Say what? He will never trust the TV again.

Joella: Boyoyo!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. It’s a little dark. You know what we find fun? Giving the cat a silly voice like, “Oh, I’m the big fat cat and I can’t fit through the cat door, drip!”

[Cut to Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Oh yes. Okay. That stupid voice coming from a cat would make me laugh.

Ruella: I also was very close to laughing but then I remember I just lost my daughter in the custody, [unintelligible] [Cut to Finn]

Finn: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Joella: Okay, let’s try one more before we go back to France forever.

Finn: Roll it!

[Cut to a video clip of cat stuck in a pot]

Joella: [making stupid cat voice] My husband is in here. My husband’s issues are in here.

Ruella: He died from drugs, but I don’t care.

Joella: He was troubled but he was mine!

Ruella: I don’t want to live anymore. I want to be in hell with him where all suicide go.

Joella: Oh, man! Here I come.

[Cut to Finn, Joella and Ruella]

Finn: Okay. Well, I’m getting word that my producer is here to tell me something. Hopefully privately.

[Producer walks in]

Producer: Well, it’s not. I want everybody to hear this. You’re cancelled.

Finn: Well great! I’m glad. I think anyone would be proud to do 18 seasons of this show. I leave with my head held high.

Producer: Just pack your junk, Reynold-Beads.

[The End]

Aladin Magic Carpet Ride

Jasmine… Cecily Strong

Aladin… Adam Driver

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Jasmine and Aladin flying over the clouds on the magic carpet]

Jasmine: Aladin, we’re so high up. I’ve never flown on a magic carpet before.

Aladin: It’s beautiful, isn’t it? But not as beautiful as you.

[singing] I can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid
tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide?

Jasmine: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view

Jasmine and Aladin: No one to tell us no or where to go

[a bird comes flying to Jasmine and dies in her hands]

Aladin: I really like you Jasmine. You’re different. Do you like meat.

Jasmine: Yes, I do. I’m sorry. Some kind of fat bird just hit my mouth. I need a minute.

Aladin: You’ll be alright, Jasmine. You’re safe with me. Just look how far we can see

Jasmine: Yeah, fish and it’s peak. Just, slow down a little. Okay? Like, I’m still into it. Just that was a lot.

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
a dazzling place you never knew

Jasmine: But when I’m way up here, it’s crystal clear

Jasmine and Aladin: That now I’m in a whole new world with you.

[a missile falls on Aladin’s head]

Jasmine: Oh, bomb, bomb, bomb! There’s a bomb.

Aladin: Oh, shoot! We must be over Syria.

Jasmine: Oh! I think I pissed my little thing I’m wearing.

Aladin: You’re not sorry you came with me, are you?

Jasmine: Oh, no, no, no. This is magical.

Aladin: [singing] I can open your eyes
take you wonder by wonder
over sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride

Jasmine and Aladin: A whole new world
a new fantasy point of view
no one to tell us no or where to go

[gross liquid thing pours on Jasmine]

Jasmine: No! No! No! What just happened?

Aladin: [looking above] Oh, I think an airplane just emptied it’s toilet in the sky.

Jasmine: Um, Aladin, take me back to the palace.

Aladin: Wait, quiet. Something’s wrong with the carpet. I’ve gotta make some fast decisions now.

Jasmine: What’s going on?

Aladin: We’re losing altitude. I gonna try to put it down at that air-force space.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck at the base. They’re wearing military dresses.]

Leslie: Did you taste Charice’s cookies that she brought to the airport?

[Beck nods his head]

Now, a lot of people don’t like hard cookies. You know what I mean–

Beck: Hey, hang on Chris. We’ve got a distress call coming in.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin. Aladin is wearing a headphone.]

Aladin: May-day. May-day. Requesting emergency landing.

[Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: I see you pilot. You are clear for landing.

Beck: This is gonna be nuts.

Leslie: God be with them.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin landing at the air-base] [Cut to Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: They did it. They landed.

Beck: And look, they’re in love.

[Cut to Jasmine and Aladin]

Aladin: [singing] A whole new world
that’s where we’ll be
a wondrous place

Jasmine and Aladin: For you and me…

[Cut to Leslie and Beck looking at Jasmine and Aladin. Beck tries to kiss Leslie.]

Leslie: I am married!

Beck: How come you never talk about it then?

[The End]

Adam Driver Monologue

Adam Driver

Taran Killam

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Driver.

[Adam Driver walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Adam Driver: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Before we start, just wanna say, congratulations Arizona cardinals. Welcome to the first show of 2016. Right now, it’s happening. I’m in a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Please, please, please go see it. If this one does well, it might make another. I’m so fortunate to be a part of such an illustrious franchise. Especially since I’ve been acting for only few years. Before that, I was in the military and I was very intimidating. We have a photo I think, to prove it.

[Cut to Adam Driver’s photo in a military uniform.] [Cut to Adam Driver]

Back when the marines were accepting 12 year olds. But it really is an honor to be in Star Wars. Never, never ever will you find a more devoted fan base. They’re very intense.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: [laughing] I know. Star Wars fans, ridiculous, right? Quick question… [Taran pulls out his lightsaber] What happens in the next film, Adam?

Adam Driver: You know I can’t tell you that. They won’t even tell me that.

Taran: Oh, you can’t tell me coz the audience is here, right? Okay. I’m gonna ask you at the after party though.

Adam Driver: No, you won’t.

[Taran turns his lightsaber off and walks away]

I’ve been dealing with this all week.

[Bobby Moynihan walks in with his Kylo Ren’s mask on]

Hey, Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, come on! It could be Kenan! Come on, it could be Kenan in here.

Adam Driver: It’s not Kenan. It’s Bobby. Where did you find that suit?

Bobby Moynihan: I made it.

Adam Driver: How much did that cost you?

Bobby Moynihan: $6,500.

Adam Driver: Bobby, take off the mask.

[Bobby Moynihan takes the mask off. He is wearing a wig.]

Bobby Moynihan: Okay. Sorry.

Adam Driver: Is that a wig?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah. It’s a wig. The wig was 800 bucks. Listen, I gotta know what happens to Kylo Ren, man. Does he die? Please, just tell me.

Adam Driver: Alright fine, I die.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, no!

Adam Driver: But, my friends put sunglasses on me and I pretend I’m alive all weekend.

Bobby Moynihan: Oh my god, it’s perfect!

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Leave this man alone!

Adam Driver: Okay, what is your Star Wars question?

Leslie: Man, I ain’t see Star Wars. I wanna know why you weren’t in Martian with Matt Damon. Because y’all was the bomb in Goodwill Hunt.

Adam Driver: Leslie, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m Adam Driver, not Minnie Driver.

Leslie: Oh! You’re Adam Driver. Well I don’t know what the internet is talking about coz you are fine! Bobby got a picture of you up his bed.

Bobby Moynihan: Pop-pop-pop-pop! Come on, hey! We’ve got a great show tonight, okay? Adam Driver is here.

Adam Driver: Chris Stapleton here. We’ll be right back.

[The End]