Cleopatra | Season 44 Episode 2

Cleopatra (Cecily Strong)

Isis (Awkwafina)

Becky (Kate McKinnon)

Xerxes (Kenan Thompson)

[History channel intro playing]

Voiceover: You’re watching the History channel. At 8, it’s World War I. At 9, it’s World War II lost in New York. But now we return to The Hidden Tales of Egypt.

[Cut to Empress Cleopatra, her messenger, and two servers inside an ancient Egypt castle]

Messenger: Empress Cleopatra, your beauticians are here.

Empress: Send them in.

Isis: Hi. Oh my god, I’m sorry we’re late. Got stuck for hours in pyramid construction.

Empress: Excuse me?

Isis: Okay wait, sorry. Call me because I just came in here with like awful play.

Hi, I’m Isis. Normal name. I’m going to be doing your make-up today and these are my assistants. [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Xerxes and Becky.

Xerxes: What’s up you duddy horses?

Becky: Hi. I love the look you vibe in here. [Whispering] I’m lying.

Isis: Ignore her. Becky’s whole thing is like she’s a nightmare. So what are we thinking for tonight?

Empress: I’m a queen. I don’t concern myself with matters of appearance.

Isis: Okay. I am down for a natural look but for me, and I’m a fan, I walked in here and thought ‘Oh god, she looks like a hot Mesopotamia’.

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] Yes, give us something. Anything.

Becky: Yeah, I want to be like “Yes queen”, but now I’m kind of like “Mah  queen”.

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] You forget who you’re speaking to.

Isis: No, all I’m saying is you’re going to go out tonight and your face is going to be painted on, like a thousand vases, right?

Xerxes: [Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes showing her paint on a vase] Yeah, this was you last week at the [unintelligible 01:32]?

Empress: [Cut to Isis and the Empress] No. That’s me? Oh, I look horrible. Delete that. Delete that!

[Cut to Xerxes and Becky, Xerxes drops the vase on purpose to break it, reacting to the empress asking to delete it]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress]Look, you trust me right?

Empress: No.

Isis: Okay funny, are you a cat? Because I worship you. Come over here. [Isis holds the empress’s hand and takes her to the makeup table] Let’s try something new with your make-up.

[Cut to Isis brushing the empress]

Becky: Wow, [Cut to Xerxes and Becky] send me to a vomitorium because I’m gagging.

Xerxes: Ah, if we were hieroglyphs, this would be us right now. [Xerxes and Becky biting their tongues out]

Isis: [Cut to Isis and the Empress,]Okay, what do we think?

Empress: Wait. Me?

Isis: I love it. Bury my organs in lots of little jars because I am dead.

Empress: Wow, Okay. I could get used to this.

Isis: And we’re on our roles. Xerxes, let’s prop the hair. [Xerxes comes to the empress]

Xerxes: Okay, how do you feel about extensions?

Empress: Oh, not for me. No.

Xerxes: Okay, good. Because it’s a full wig. [Becky comes to the empress with a wig]

Empress: Wait, is that my hair?

Becky: You’re welcome.

Xerxes: Yeah. And just so you know, I work with with her and not for her.

Isis: And what do you think?

Empress: Wow, amazing!

Xerxes: I am officially perfection.

Empress: Okay wait. So is this my look everyday?

Isis: Yes, this is everyday. This is errand. This is brunch. This is executions.

Empress: Well I love, okay? Thank you.

Emperor: Well babe, been waiting in this chariot forever.

Empress: Get out. I’m getting ready. What do you think?

Emperor: About what?

Empress: My hair, my make up.

Emperor: Why, is it different?

Empress: Yes.

Emperor: It’s good, I guess.

Empress: Shut up, you spoil me. Let me get dressed.

Emperor: Um, Megan, snap me. We got Rezzies.

Isis: Okay, you guys are cute.

Empress: We fight but the sex is insane.

Voiceover: [Ending intro playing] This has been the Hidden Tales of Egypt.

 

Weekend Update: Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on the Mid-Term Elections | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Eric.….Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr…….Mikey Day

[Starting the news with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, with midterm elections a little over a month away, many Republicans are turning to the Trump name to help bolster their campaigns. Here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Camera slides to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, Colin. It’s good to be back here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals. Haha… [Eric leans towards Colin laughing] Okay, that’s

Colin Jost: How were your summers, guys?

Donald Trump Jr.: Ooh, busy. For me it was running the Trump Organization, breaking ground on a new Trump Property–

Eric: And I had swim lessons.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Someone got his ducky badge.

[Cut to Eric showing his ducky badge under his jacket collar]

Yeah, baby. Yeah.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Eric very proud]

No longer a tadpole bud. But midterms– midterms are next month, and that’s why my father has called for all Trump hands on deck. He asked me to stump for Republicans on the campaign drill.

Eric: And he asked me not to do that.

[Mimicking President Donal Trump] “Stay home, Eric.”

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, that’s right bud. You get to stay home and watch all the action on TV. Right? Fist bump, blow it up. Boom.

Eric: Ah! [Scared]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh. It’s not a real explosion, just made a noise with my mouth. All right buddy? [Eric looks at Donald’s hand in a distrustful manner] It’s not magic in any way. It’s just a fist bud. Look, my father’s confident that supposed blue wave isn’t making landfall anytime soon, which I’m sure makes everyone sad here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals– I’m sorry I’m teasing. [Cut to Eric, Donald, and Colin] I had to do it again. What do you do? Hey, we’re on fire. Maybe we should take over for Jost and Che buddy. I got some jokes I can tell.

Eric: Me too. What do the gay black jews–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, don’t tell them. No! You can’t tell that joke.

Eric: But dad does.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he does not. No, he does not.

Eric: Yeah. He does. And he does all the voices.

Donald Trump Jr.: Respectfully. He does a very respectful gay voice.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] I’m sure, yes. Now this week, the New York Times reported that President Trump set up Sham Corporations to disguise millions in gifts from his father to avoid taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: Look, okay, yes. [Cut to Eric and Donald] Our grandfather gave our father gifts over the years, but it wasn’t to avoid taxes. It was to–

Eric: Evade taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: No Eric. You want to play with your puppet? Got him a puppet. Here you go bud.

Colin: Oh, that’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play with that. Collin, when the left is backed into a corner– don’t just stare at it. Don’t know how a puppet works? Look! Look, put your hand in here, right? Then you can make the mouth move. Look, [speaking as the puppet] “Hello Eric, I’m King funny face.”

Eric: Damn, he knows my name.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Yes. Everyone knows Eric’s name. He’s such a good boy.

Eric: Where do you live?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh, I live in a castle.

Eric: I live in a tower.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh.

Eric: King, can I ask you a question?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Um-hmm.

Eric: What did the gay black jew–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, okay. We’re done. Thank you, pal.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] Eric and Donald Trump Jr. everyone. Thank you so much.