Category: 1988

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Dolly’s Mountain Stories

…..Dolly Parton
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on the main stage, Dolly Parton and the cast sitting on pillows around the floor ]

Dana Carvey: Tell us a mountain story, Dolly!

[ the cast cheers the suggestion ]

Dolly Parton: Really? Alright, now the first thing you have to know, now, is that I was born and raised in the Smokey Mountains in East Tennessee!

Kevin Nealon: Well, we knew that! [ laughs ]

Dolly Parton: Well, you might, Kevin, but maybe everybody out there don’t know that.

Jan Hooks: Oh, I think thye do, Dolly!

[ the rest of the cast agrees ]

Dolly Parton: Alright, well, that’s beside the point, but i’ll tell you a story. I grew up in a small house with my momma and my daddy and twelve kids. And we were out in the middle of nowhere and we didn’t have anything but each other. Of course, I’m not complaining.. but we didn’t make a whole lot of money, and didn’t have more than anything but our love and our music!

Victoria Jackson: Dolly, you mean you didn’t have any of the modern conveniences that we all take for granted?

Dolly Parton: That is absolutely right, Victoria! I mean, we didn’t have a washing machine or a gas stove, we didn’t even have a TV.

Dennis Miller: Well, what did you guys do for fun?

Dolly Parton: Oh, we made our own fun, Dennis! Why, we’d sing, and we’d play games.. and Momma would dream up stories for us, I mean stories that were a whole lot better than anything you could watch on television today!

Phil Hartman: [ smiling ] She must have been quite a woman!

Dolly Parton: Well, you don’t have to patronize me, Phil. [ Phil appears confused ] Anyway, she’d tell us stories that’d keep us going ’til bedtime!

Jon Lovitz: Like, what kind of stories?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just all kinds of stories.. she’d just make up scary stories, and funny stories, stories about the Old West..

Nora Dunn: Oh, those Western stories must have been great!

Dolly Parton: Oh, they were! My favorite ws about this white-haired man that had three sons, and he lived out on a big ranch in Nevada. [ the cast appears to be familiar with the story ] And the oldest son, see, he was real, real moody, and serious.. and the middle one, well, he was big and lovable.. and the youngest one – whoo! – he was so handsome and brave!

Victoria Jackson: He sounds really cute!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well, he was! Well, his name was Little Joe.. [ the cast now realizes she’s relating the story of the TV show “Bonanza ] and he had more girlfriends than you could shake a stick at! Lord, the times that family had with that tiny servant of theirs.. My Momma, she did, she had a big imagination, that’s for sure! Hey, but she loved to tell us police stories, that was some of my favorites, too!

Dennis Miller: She told you police stories?

Dolly Parton: Yeah.. well, she’d just talk a blue streak about these two detectives that would drive around L.A. in this blue Plymouth Valiant. One fella’s name, I think, was Friday, and he did everything by the book. I mean, he was straighter than a hog’s tail in a pork factory! See, my Momma had so many stories, and the funniest ones were about this silly, silly, crazy woman named Lucy! I man, she got into all kinds of crazy situations! There was this one time when her husband Ricky, he was this Cuban fella.. and he had an audition in Los Angeles, and they lost their script, Lucy did, so she had to sneak into the studio, and William Holden was there, and it was just the biggest mess!

Dana Carvey: So.. so, these were made up?

Dolly Parton: Right. Except for the ones about Friday. Momma said that they were based on some kind of truth, but that they always changed the names to protect the innocent.

Kevin Nealon: So, there were no televisions anywhere?

Dolly Parton: Well, of course not! I mean, why would we need onw? Family’s all you need! [ thinking ] Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you, there was this Halloween special, that was Momma’s favorite! It was a spooky story about a witch, and she had these magical powers.. and she married this advertising agent, his name was Darren. See, Darren didn’t want anybody to know about his wife, so they lived out in the suburbs, and they had this real, real nosy neighbor..

Jon Lovitz: [ excited ] Oh! Ms. Crabbitz! [ quickly covers his mouth ]

Dolly Parton: Wow! That’s right, Jon! How’d you know that, are you from the hills?

Jon Lovitz: Uh, no.. I.. I..

Jan Hooks: Jon! Yes, of course, he’s from the hills.. aren’t you, Jon?

Jon Lovitz: Yes.. I’m from Arkansas..

Dolly Parton: Well, I never knew that! That is something! Well, you learn something new everyday! Well, listen, I hope that you enjoyed the stories, and thank you for listening.. but I gotta go get ready for the next thing..

[ a stagehand directs Dolly offstage, as the cast ponders what they’ve just sat through ]

Nora Dunn: That poor, poor woman..

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. Thinking that stuff was original!

Dana Carvey: Boy, can you imagine missing out on all those hours and hours of television!

Dennis Miller: Yeah, and then having to hear about it secondhand. I mean, it’s so sad..

Phil Hartman: Is it really? No, I mean, think about it. While we had all that fed to us, she got to use her imagination.

Jan Hooks: Yeah.. we’re all kind of constrained to the limits of what we saw. but not Dolly!

Phil Hartman: Who knows what her Darren looks like? Her Hoss? Her Friday? Her Larry Tate!

Kevin Nealon: Maybe her Col. Klink had a thick head of hair!

Jon Lovitz: Maybe her Lassie was a dachschund?

Victoria Jackson: You know what? Maybe we should all stop watching TV..

Phil Hartman: [ laughs ] That’s ridiculous! It’s just something that happened to Dolly.

[ they get up to leave the stage, laughing to themselves ]

Dennis Miller: Miss out on TV, what are you talking about!

Phil Hartman: [ left alone ] See you, everyone.. and keep watching the show!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 16

88q: Dolly Parton

Celebrity Restaurant

Nobody…..Mike Myers
Buddy Precisely…..Dana Carvey
Jack Nicholson…..Phil Hartman
Tracy Ullman…..Jan Hooks
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
…..Dolly Parton
Gary Sermans…..Ben Stiller
Fireman…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on interior, fancy Hollywood restaurant, Buddy Precisely standing at the pedestal reviewing his guest list ]

Nobody: [ approaching with supermodel-level date ] Hi.

Buddy Precisely: Yeees?

Nobody: Carlisle, party of two.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: I have a reservation.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Nobody: For 7:30?

Buddy Precisely: Ohhhhhhmmmmm, no! [ waves his hand towards the bar ] Wait at the barm wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Nobody: Hey, hey, I have a reservation, I’m not waiting at the bar!

Buddy Precisely: [ signals bouncer and waves his hand towards the door ] Then take them outside, take them outside, take them outside.. [ Bouncer pulls the Nobody and his date outside ] Goodbye. Don’t be alarmed, don’t be alarmed, everybody, pay no attention, he doesn’t matter, he’s not a star! [ walks up to the dining entrance ] Look at the stars! The stars over here in the dining room – look! Right there, right now! Corbin Bernsen‘s eating a biscuit, look at him! [ waiting crowd “Oohs” ] What an amazing..! [ Jack Nicholson enters ] Well, Jack Nicholson, everybody! Jack Nicholson! You huge, mammoth, incredible, monstrous star, what can I do for you!Jack Nicholson: I’ll tell you what you can do for me. You can take your fingers off of my jacket.

Buddy Precisely: [ laughs ] Oh, what a funster! I’ll come by your table later for a cocktail, Jack!

Jack Nicholson: I’d rather stick needles in my eye!

Buddy Precisely: I love it when you kid me! Claudine, take this wonderful megastar to his table, and sit him right next to.. Nick Nolte!

Tracy Ullman: [ bounces into the room ] Bud-dy, Bud-dy!

Buddy Precisely: Tracy Ullman, everybody! Tracy Ullman! [ hugs her ] Look at you! Welcome you Golden Globe-winning star! How’s your highly-acclaimed serie?

Tracy Ullman: It’s in the basement, Buddy! It is! I can get a walk, but I can’t get ratings! [ laughs ]

Buddy Precisely: And you can’t get a table here! [ pushes her away ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. [ Bouncer removes her ] I love you, Tracy, you’re the Moe Howard of England, take it outside!

Gary Sermans: [ enters ] Hello. I’m Gary Sermans, I have a reservation?

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh? And where might I have heard that name?

Gary Sermans: Well, I’m an actor and a writer, you probably haven’t heard of me – yet.

Buddy Precisely: A total unknown? An anbsolute nobody? Wait at the bar, wait at the bar..

Gary Sermans: Well, wait a minute! I have a script in development!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? What studio?

Gary Sermans: Paramount!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhh! And what did you do before that?

Gary Sermans: I was Dick Clark’s poolboy!

Buddy Precisely: Claudine! Seat this very important young man immediately! Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Clark’s poolboy! [ shows him inside the dining area ] Wonderful! [ Dolly Parton enters ] Oh, my goodness! The lovely Doly Parton! Look at you, what can I do for you, you big, huge, wonderful star!

Dolly Parton: Oh, nothing! I’m just here to meet a couple of friends of mine for dinner, and I’m just a little early!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh.. who are we meeting?

Dolly Parton: Oh, just some friends that I worked with on my television show.

Buddy Precisely: Ohh, yes.. your ill-fated television show. You must feel just awful!

Dolly Parton: Oh, well.. I just believe: if it works, it works, and if it don’t, the Lord takes care of you anyway!

Buddy Precisely: Yes, he does. Even after such an enormous failure!

Dolly Parton: Oh, no more than “Rhinestone”.

Buddy Precisely: Oh, yes, “Rhinestone”, the movie that nearly killed Sylvester Stallone’s entire career!

Dolly Parton: Ohhhh.. we’re still friends, he calls me every now and then..

Buddy Precisely: [ interested ] Uh-huh? What other huge stars call you?

Dolly Parton: Oh, listen, Buddy, I don’t want to take up your time. How about if I just take a seat at the bar?

Buddy Precisely: No one waits at the bar until I tell them, Dolly. [ pause ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. [ Dolly waits at the bar, as an Asian man enters ] Oh! Khangas Moore! You wonderfully, taslented, versatile little star, you! As they say in Thailand, “Mi casa, su casa!” Your table is right here, through the kitchen, with fellow Oscar winners Marlee Matlin and Linda Hunt! Go right in, you big, important star, you! [ shoves him into the kitchen ] Ladies and gentlemen, Charlton Heston is eating a trout in the dining room! [ Rob Lowe enters ] Oh, goodness! Rob Lowe! [ waves hand toward the door ] Take it outside, take it outside, take it outside.. don’t you ever sing in public again!

Dolly Parton: [ comes forward ] Excuse me, Buddy?

Buddy Precisely: Yes, Dolly?

Dolly Parton: Buddy, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but there seems to be something awful coming out of your kitchen!

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Dolly Parton: Well, I don’t want to panic anybody, but back where we come from, we call it a fire!

Buddy Precisely: You incredibly, observant star! How observant of you!

[ Firemen rush in ]

Fireman: Where’s the manager?! Where’s the manager?!

Buddy Precisely: Excuse me! I believe I’m talking to my good friend, Dolly Parton! [ the firefighters are excited ] Go right in, Dolly, you wonderful, grand star! I love you when you’re here! [ lets Dolly into the dining area, then turns to the firemen ] Now, what do you want?

Fireman: We’re the Beverly Hills Fire Department.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhhh? And where might I have seen your work?

Fireman: Well.. we put a fire out in the stock room at Bejean’s.

Buddy Precisely: Uh-huhhh?

Fireman: Yeah.. a two-alarm fire.

Buddy Precisely: Two-alarm? Not one-alarm, two-alarm?

Fireman: Two-alarm.

Buddy Precisely: Not a three-alarm? [ waves his hands towards the bar ] Wait at the bar, wait at the bar.. Ramone, the smoke, please, take it outside, take it outside..

[ Bouncer helps Buddy fan the smoke outside, as the sketch fades out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 22nd, 1989

Geena Davis

John Mellencamp

None

Cheryl Hardwick A Message From the President of the United StatesRecurring Characters: George Bush.

Montage

Geena Davis’ MonologueBio: Geena Davis (1956-). Actress; Academy Award winner for Best Supporting Actress for “The Accidental Tourist” (1988); other films include: “Thelma and Louise” (1991), “A League of Their Own” (1992); starred as first female president in short-lived televised drama series “Commander in Chief”, 2005-06; married to frequent film co-star Jeff Goldblum, from 1987-90.

The Bob Waltman SpecialRecurring Characters: Bob Waltman, Burt Reynolds, Diane Sawyer, Roseanne.

Frost White and the Seven L’il MenSummary: A cheap Disney knockoff flirts with copyright infringement by changing every third word from the tale of Snow White.

Transcript

AttitudesRecurring Characters: Linda Dano, Nancy Glass.

John Mellencamp performs “Pop Singer”First Performed: 81p.

The Palmer Bunch

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Suspended Animation Chambers

John Mellencamp performs “Jackie Brown”

Game Show Models

After The Apocalypse

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18

88r: Geena Davis / John Mellencamp

Frost White and the Seven L’il Men

Berman…..Jon Lovitz
Frost White…..Geena Davis
Touchy…..Ben Stiller
Feely…..Mike Myers
Itchy…..Dana Carvey
Coughy…..Dennis Miller
Barry…..Al Franken
Sticky…..Kevin Nealon
Resentful…..Phil Hartman
Evil Step-Cousin…..Nora Dunn

(Interior: law office. Berman sits in an armchair and addresses the audience.)

Berman: Hello, I’m Scott Berman, of the law firm Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, outside counsel to the National Broadcasting Company. One of the most wondrous stories of all time is the enchanting fable “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Our client NBC would like nothing more than to bring this timeless tale into your living room. Unfortunately, the copyright for “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” is owned by the Disney Corporation, which, as you know, takes a very strong stand against any infringement of said copyright. And that is why tonight, NBC, *ahem* in conjunction with the law firm of Armstrong, Berman & Fitch, proudly presents tonight’s live production, “Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men” … an all-new, entirely original fable, which cannot reasonably be interpreted as a violation of Title 17, Sections 101-106 of the US Code, at least that’s our position.

(Disneyesque music begins, and he cocks an ear)

Berman: Oh, I think I hear the seven lil’ men returning from a day’s work of an undetermined nature.

(Fade to stage, with a Disneyesque outdoor meadow setting. The Lil’ Men march into view as a title card is displayed.)

Lil’ Men: (singing)
Ho-hi, Ho-hi.
It’s back from work we cry.
We’re back from work, we’re back from work.Ho-hi, Ho-hi.

(The music stops, and they all burst out laughing. Frost White emerges, smiling, and addresses each of them as they face the camera)

Frost White: My little men! … Touchy … Feely … Itchy … Coughy …

Coughy: (coughs)

Frost White: Barry … Sticky … and Resentful. You’re just in time to help me clean up the house.

Itchy: I know a song we can sing WHILE we clean up!

Frost White: Good for you, Itchy. Coughy … will you sing along?

Coughy: (coughs)

Itchy: He said yes!

Frost White: (giggles) Oh, Coughy … you’re my favorite! (she walks over to him, and gives him a kiss on the forehead)

Coughy: (coughs)

Itchy: Come on, everybody! Follow me!

(Disneyesque music begins, and they all step to the beat)

Frost White & Lil’ Men: (singing)
Hum while you work.
Hum while you work.
Hmmmmm, hmmmmm,
Hum while you work.

(They all laugh, and march off-stage)

(Fade back to Berman)

Berman: You know, it’s interesting what makes one song legally *ahem* different from another … it’s not always black and white, and that’s what makes my job so exciting. The court has established one pretty clear precedent: if every third note is different, you are the owner of a unique musical property.

(Dramatic music swells up)

Berman: Well, not everyone in our enchanting tale loves Frost White the way Touchy, Feely, Sorry, Smiley, Coughy, Stretch, and Resentful do. Let’s go now to the castle and meet Frost White’s evil step-cousin. That’s right, step-COUSIN.

(The dramatic music continues as we fade to a still of a castle on top of a hill. Inside the castle, the Evil Step-Cousin picks up a plate off the dinner table.)

Evil Step-Cousin: Whoever washed this plate did a fine job. I can see my face in it, almost as if it were a mirror. (glances at the camera) But it’s not a mirror. It’s a plate. (looks at the plate) Plate, plate, in my hand, who’s the best-looking in the land?

(The image of Frost White’s face appears in the plate.)

Evil Step-Cousin: Frost White?!

(She slams the plate on the table, and it shatters. She picks up an orange off the table)

Evil Step-Cousin: I’ll get her … with one of my poisonous ORANGES! (laughs sinisterly)

(Fade back to the meadow setting. Frost White picks some yellow flowers by the well as soft music plays)

Frost White: (singing)
Someday my prince will come.
Someday my prince will come …

(Cut back to Scott, on the phone)

Berman: (irritated) This the studio? What the hell’s goin’ on?

(the music stops)

Berman: No, you CAN’T use their lyrics! We agreed on “Someday, my EARL will come”! No prince … well, who said it was okay?! … Oh yeah? Well, to HELL with her!

(He raises his voice as he talks)

Berman: Now look, you tell Geena Davis to go to law school, pass the damn bar, work herself up to stinkin’ partner in the best copyright firm in the country, AND THEN SHE CAN TELL ME THAT “PRINCE” DOESN’T EXPOSE US TO MAJOR, AND I’M TALKING, MAJOR DAMAGE!!

(He slams the receiver, then picks it up again)

Berman: DISNEY!! WE’RE TALKING DISNEY!!!

(He slams the receiver again, then calms down, and starts lying pathologically …)

Berman: Well, uh, Frost White, uh, had uh, it seems, uh … mailed some film to be developed, and, uh, uh, had been waiting for some time to get her PRINTS back. Yes, so she was singing, “Some week my PRINTS,” P-R-I-*N*-T-S, “will come,” *not* P-R-I-N-C-E.

(he starts fondling his tie nervously)

Berman: And uh … oh, oh, did I mention that Snow White — excuse me, Frost White, that Frost White was a, uh, was a man? Because she is! Yes, yes, and uh, and the uh, the seven little men, they’re, well they’re all blind. I don’t know if that was coming across in the acting, but they can’t see, they can’t see at all! Well, um, I don’t think Frost White is going to be the annual e-VENT that we had hoped, but for those of you who have stuck with us for this long, thank you and good night.

(“Hum While You Work” reprises as a caption rolls over a still of Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men.)

Voice-over: (reading the caption) “The characters of Frost White and the Seven Lil’ Men are the sole property of the National Broadcasting Company. Any reproduction or unauthorized use is strictly prohibited.”

(Applause)

Submitted by: The G Man

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


May 13th, 1989

Wayne Gretzky

Fine Young Cannibals

None

Janet Jones

Tom Davis

Andy Murphy

Conan O’Brien
Carter In PanamaRecurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Montage

Wayne Gretzky’s MonologueBio: Wayne Gretzky (1961-). Athlete; National Hockey League player for the Edmonton Oilers (1979-88), the Los Angeles Kings (1988-96), the St. Louis Blues (1996), and the New York Rangers (1996-99); nicknamed “The Great One”, he was awarded the NHL’s Most Valuable Player award eight seasons in a row.

Sleepytime Rat ControlNote: Repeat from: 88l.

Fishing With the Anal-Retentive SportsmanRecurring Characters: Anal-Retentive Gene.

Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

This Week with David BrinkleyRecurring Characters: David Brinkley, George F. Will, Cokie Roberts, Sam Donaldson.

Fine Young Cannibals perform “She Drives Me Crazy”Bio: British band, comprised of former members of The Beat; members: Roland Gift, David Steele, Andy Cox.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Celebrity Hockey IdeasRecurring Characters: John Travolta, Brigitte Nielsen, Jack Nicholson, Bette Davis, Tina Yothers, Sylvester Stallone, Howie Mandel, George Hamilton.

Point Blank

Fine Young Cannibals perform “Good Thing”

Waikiki HockeyTranscript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


February 18th, 1989

Leslie Nielsen

Cowboy Junkies

None

Kim Alexis

Beverly Johnson

Cheryl Tiegs

Bob Van Ry

Andy Murphy
Iran’s Most WantedRecurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

Montage

Leslie Nielsen’s MonologueBio: Leslie Nielsen (1926-). Actor; his older, more serious, films include: “Forbidden Planet” (1956), “The Poseidon Adventure” (1972); became synonymous with film comedies after being cast by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker to play a comic role straight in “Airplane!” (1980); collaborated with the same group to star in short-lived TV series “Police Squad” (1982), which begat the “The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!” (1988) film trilogy; later comic roles include President Harris in some of the “Scary Movie” films; also serves as president of the International Better Hearing Institute.

Neuburg’s Bleu Cheese CoolerNote: Repeat from: 88e.

Mr. Subliminal’s ApprenticeRecurring Characters: Mr. Subliminal.

Transcript

Snap Decision

The Pat Stevens ShowRecurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Bio: Kim Alexis (1960-). Model/actress; 1984 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model.

Bio: Beverly Johnson (1952-). Model; one of the first black models, and the first to appear on the cover of Vogue magazine in 1974.

Bio: Cheryl Tiegs (1947-). Model; considered one of the first supermodels; featured on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue in 1970, 1975, 1983.

Cowboy Junkies perform “Sweet Jane”Bio: Country/alternative rock band; members: Michael Timmins, Alan Anton, Peter Timmins, Margo Timmins.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

The 1960’s Movie

GeritechTranscript

Cowboy Junkies perform “Misguided Angel”

Saying The Wrong Things

Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Nancy Simmons, Beev Algar.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Geritech

Stagehand…..Bob Van Ry
…..Leslie Nielsen

Stangehand: Here are the script changes, Mr. Neilsen.

Leslie Neilsen: Thank you, Bobby. [ puts script down, looks at camera ] Hello. I’m Leslie Neilsen, liver spot sufferer. You know, people ask me, “Leslie, after so many years in television and movies, are you at all embarrassed about appearing in ads for Blotch-Off?” [ holds up product ] A livder spot remover from Geritech that works while you sleep. The answer is no, becuse Blotch-Off really works. You see, I used to covered with ugly, embarrassing old-age spots. you see, that could be a real problem in my profession.

[ walks over to second product ]

Not as big a problem, however, as a loss of bladder control. Now, imagine doing a scene with some lovely young actress, and soiling both your costume and hers. Now, that can be embarrassing. That’s why I wear Dripmaster.. [ holds product ] ..the undergarment from Geritech that takes the worry out of walking around. In fact, I’m relieving myself right now!

[ steps aside to next product ]

I’m just stepping over here now, because I’d like to tell you about something that I’m really proud of. Bung-King Hemmorhoidal Cream. You may think your hemmorhoidal preapration is top-notch, but Bung-King from Geritech is the only hemmorhoidal cream with that.. [ bell rings ] ..patch of lanolin. So, the next time you feel that burning, painful itch, reach for Bung-King, the only hemmorhoidal cream and suppository with my face on it.

[ walks to the side again ]

Now I know you’re thinking about.. [ echo ] ..diarrhea! Well, I’m just an actor, but I get diarrhea all the time. That’s why.. [ holds up product ] ..Solidex is always in my medicine cabient, and in my make-up kit.

Stangehand: Ready for another take, Mr. Neilsen.

Leslie Neilsen: Well, gotta go! [ smiles ] And I’m ready, thanks to Blotch-Off, Dripmaster, Bung-King and Solidex. Now, I can concrentrate on my craft.

Announcer: Ask for the Geritech line of personal products when you have a problem that’s embarrassing.

Leslie Neilsen: Tell them.. Leslie sent you!

Announcer: Meet Leslie Nielsen at a Wal-Mart near you, and ask Leslie to sign your Dripmaster carton!

Leslie Neilsen: If you think I’m embarrassed endorsing the Geritech line of products, you just don’t know me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Mr. Subliminal’s Apprentice

Mr. Subliminal…..Kevin Nealon
Ted…..Leslie Nielsen
Bartender…..Jon Lovitz
Woman…..Jan Hooks
Policeman…..Phil Hartman

[ Ted walks into a bar with Mr. Subliminal ]

Mr. Subliminal: Two beers, please.

Ted: I just can’t get the hang of it..

Mr. Subliminal: That’s because it’s new to you. Believe me, Ted, subliminal advertising can be very, very effective.

Bartender: Alright, gentlemen, here’s your beers.

Mr. Subliminal: Thanks, partner – on the house – that was quick – on the house – what do we owe you?

Bartender: Uh.. forget about it – on the house!

Mr. Subliminal: Oh? Thank you very much! Hey.. you know something – free cash – this is a real classy place – free cash – first time we’ve been here.

Bartender: Oh, I’m glad you like it. I’ve been working here for years.

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, no kidding- free cash – that’s great!

Bartender: [ opens cash register and drops cash on the counter ] Here ya go.

Mr. Subliminal: What’s this for?

Bartender: It’s free cash, take it.

Ted: [ chuckles ] This is a real nice place!

Mr. Subliminal: No, really – free cash – we can’t take this – your wallet – I mean, what would we do with it?

Bartender: Well, don’t be ridiculous! [ drops his wallet on the counter ] Here, you take my wallet, you can put it in there!

Mr. Subliminal: Well, okay, if you insist! [ takes wallet, turns to Ted ] You see?

Ted: See what?

Mr. Subliminal: [ spots an attractive Woman on the next barstool ] Hi! Come here often?

Woman: [ laughs ] Oh, come on. That’s the oldest line in the book.

Mr. Subliminal: Hey, sorry if I was out of line – lonely – I just thought that you might – lonely – you know, like to talk.

Woman: Well.. I am feeling a little.. lonely. It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of guys hitting on me all the time, you know?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, believe me – hot sex – I’m not hitting on you – hot sex – I just can, you know, understand that lonely feeling!

Woman: [ nods ] You do, don’t you?

Mr. Subliminal: Sure do.

Woman: You seem like a very sensitive man.

Mr. Subliminal: Well..

Woman: And.. sexy, too! [ giggles ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ turns and whispers to Ted ] You gonna get the hang of it?

Ted: Uh.. yeah..

Mr. Subliminal: [ to Woman ] The name’s Phil, Phil Maloney – kiss me – and it’s a real plasure meeting you – kiss me – a real pleasure!

Woman: [ quickly jumps in and kisses him ]

Mr. Subliminal: [ catches his breath ] What was that for – your place – I mean, that was nice – your place – I mean, and you are..?

Woman: I’m Wanda! What do you say we go to my place?

Mr. Subliminal: Oh, great!

Woman: It’s a five-story walk-up, I hope you don’t mind..

Mr. Subliminal: Mind? – hotel – No, I don’t mind – luxury hotel – maybe I’ll lose some weight – your treat – [ laughs ].

Woman: Better yet – how about we go away to a luxury hotel – I’ll pay! How about that?

Mr. Subliminal: Great idea – horny – there’s one right around the corner – handcuffs – let’s go!

Woman: Okay, let’s go!

Mr. Subliminal: Okay, then – spank me – let’s go1

[ they rush out of the bar ]

[ a beautiful woman sits next to Ted ]

Ted: Ahhhhh, yeah, I think I’m beginning to see.. [ notices the woman next to him ] Yeah..

Policeman: [ enters bar ] Alright! Who owns the white volvo out front?

Ted: Uh.. that’s mine, Officer. Is there a problem?

Policeman: Yeah, it’s a $50 problem. You parked in front of a fire hydrant. Let me see your license.

Ted: Uh.. oh, yeah, sure, Officer.. Uh.. to be honest, Officer – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – TIE ME UP! – it was dark.

Policeman: What did you say?

Ted: I said – HOT SEX! – I didn’t see the hydrant – SPANK ME! – it was dark.

Policeman: Hot sex? Spank me? Alright, pervert, come on, you’re going downtown! [ drags Ted away ]

Ted: Uh, no, Officer, please – KISS ME! Officer, no – KISS ME! Officer, no – HORNY! Please – YOUR PLACE! Officer..

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 13

88m: Leslie Nielsen / Cowboy Junkies

Wayne’s World

Wayne…..Mike Myers
Garth…..Dana Carvey
Beev…..Phil Hartman
Nancy…..Jan Hooks
Caller…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on Cable 10 page ]

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10, Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

[ dissolve to the “Wayne’s World” temporary studio in Garth Algar’s living room, as the animated “Wayne’s World” logo appears onscreen ]

Wayne: [ singing, as he jams on his guitar ] “Wayne’s World!! Wayne’s World!! Party Time! Excellent!!”

Garth: Okay, like, welcome to “Wayne’s World”! Alright, here’s your excellent host – Wayne Campbell!

Wayne: Party!! Party hearty! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, man, it’s time to party! Welcome to “Wayne’s World”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. With me, as always, is Garth.

Garth: Party on, Wayne!

Wayne: Party on, Garth! Now, let’s bring out our first guest! His name is Beev, and he owns Wishing Well convenience store! So, here’s Beev! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!”

[ Beev walks downstairs slowly, then sits between Wayne and Garth ]

Hi, Beev! how are you, man?

Beev: I’m alright, Wayne, how are you?

Wayne: Excellent!

Beev: How are you, Garth?

Garth: Excellent, Dad!

Garth: Bonus! So, Beev, what gives? How come you moved the pop cooler from the back of the store all the way to the front of the store, huh?

Beev: Well, Wayne, as you know, Wishing Well convenience store has experienced a rash of.. shoplifting lately. Especially of the.. soft drinks! So I thought I’d move the cooler to the front of the store, where I can keep an eye on it.

Wayne: Alright, that’s a great idea, good work, Beev. But, Garth, I’ve got a question for you. Your dad is Beev, right?

Garth: Yeah.

Wayne: At home, is he a goof, or what? I mean, does he tell you not to do stuff, like read the magazines, and stuff?

Garth: Sometimes, you know, he’s just a normal dad, you know, but I wish he’d get his teeth fixed, so people wouldn’t keep calling him the “Beev”, it’s really bogus.

Wayne: [ laughs ] Okay, now it’s time for Wayne’s Top Ten! [ jams ] “Wayne’s Top Ten! Top Ten! Party Time! Top Ten!” Alright, tonight’s Top Ten topic is the Top Ten Things That Beev Says.

Alright, number ten: “Hey, you kids, buy something or leave.”

Number nine: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number eight: “Either you empty out your pockets or you are banned from the store.”

Number seven: “Should’nt you kids be in class?”

Number six: “Eat your junk food outside the store.”

Number five: “Are you gonna buy that magazine? This isn’t a library.”

Number four: “Wayne’s the coolest guy in the world.”

Number three: “All the chicks dig Wayne big time.”

Number two: “I wish I could be as cool as Wayne.”

And number one: “Hi, my name is Beev.. I’m a big fag.”

Beev: [ angry, stands ] You little punk! You’re banned from the store, you long-haired freak!

Garth: [ aghast ] Hey, Wayne.. that’s, like, my dad, dude!

Wayne: Alright, take a pill, alright, I’m joking, okay! Don’t go mental!

Beev: I’ll see you at home, Garth! [ exits upstairs ]

Garth: Later, Dad.. Wayne, you goof! I can’t believe it!

Wayne: Garth, chill, okay? Alright, Beev can’t stay, he has other commitments. So let’s bring out our next guest. Her name is Nancy, she’s an excellent babe, please welcome Nancy! [ jams ] “Wayne’s World! Party Time! Excellent! Wayne’s World! Party Time!” [ Nancy jumps on the couch ] Hi, Nancy, how are you, babe?

Nancy: Hi, I’m okay, Wayne, you?

Wayne: Good, good.. Okay, let’s get to the point – do you stuff?

Nancy: No. But I know who does.

Garth: Excellent!

Wayne: Who?

Nancy: Sally.. Susan..

Garth: Susan?! What a gypola, man!

Nancy: Yeah.

Wayne: Okay, the next question is – do you like Garth?

Garth: Aw, shut up, you gimp!

Nancy: [ laughs hysterically ] No-o! I have a boyfriend!

Wayne: What do chicks think about us?

Nancy: Well.. a lot of girls like Garth, because he’s real quiet. But most girls think you’re conceited, Wayne.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Uh-huh. Way.

Wayne: No way!

Nancy: Way! Sorry! You think you’re so cool, just because yu’ve got a show.

Wayne: Man, that is so bogus!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Well, if you think I’m conceited, you’re wrong, alright?

Nancy: Uh-uh.

Wayne: Because I’m just trying to impress you, because I.. really like you, you know? I think you’re an excellent person, I think you’re great. I love you in every way. [ sings “Dream Weaver” ]

Nancy: [ touched ] Really?

Wayne: Fished in!

Garth: Alright!

Wayne: [ mimes reeling in a two-punder ]

Garth: We caught us a 100-pound chick, dude! Get the net, man!

Nancy: Shut up! you guys are gross! All the girls think you’ve got the mugs, anyway.

Wayne: Shyea, right!

Nancy: It’s true.

Wayne: Hey, Nancy..!

Nancy: What?

Wayne: ..sucks!

Nancy: I’m going away, you guys are goofs, I’m getting out of here. [ exits upstairs ]

Wayne: Alright, later, Nance. Alright, let’s go to the phone, okay? Hello, you’re on the air, welcome to “Wayne’s World”.

Caller: Hey, Wayne, man, I am grossed out!

Wayne: Grossed out? Why, what happened?

Caller: I was neking with my girlfriend, and she blew chunks on me!

Wayne & Garth: Oh, man, that’s gross, dude!

Caller: Tell me about it! These big, gnarly chunks!

Wayne: Alright, stay calm, man, stay calm.. I have a question.

Caller: Okay, what?

Wayne: Alreight, do you still have puke on your face?

Caller: No, I washed it off!

Garth: Did you change your shirt, dude?

Caller: Yeah!

Wayne: Okay, where’s your girlfriend now? Are you in danger of being puked on again?

Caller: No, no, man, she passed out.

Wayne: [ excited ] Ex-cell-ent!

Garth: You’re golden, dude!

Caller: What do you.. ohhhhh.. now I see what you guys are getting at! Alright, see you later! [ chanting ] Wayne’s Word! Wayne’s World!

Wayne: Alright, see you later! Alright, that’s all the time we have for this week. Until then, good night, party onnnn!!

Together: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 14: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 25th, 1989

Glenn Close

Gipsy Kings

None

William Hurt
Bookstore Under SiegeTranscript

Montage

Glenn Close’s MonologueSummary: Glenn Close asks friend William Hurt to tell the audience more about her.

Bio: Glenn Close (1947-). Film and stage actress; 1984 Tony Award winner for “The Real Thing”; films include: “The Big Chill” (1983), “Fatal Attraction” (1987), “Dangerous Liaisons” (1988).

Also Hosted: 92i.

Bio: William Hurt (1950-). Actor; Academy Award winning Best Actor for “Kiss of the Spider Woman” (1985); other films include: “Body Heat” (1981), “The Big Chill” (1983), “Broadcast News” (1987).

Transcript

Big RedNote: Repeat from: 88g.

Alex’s Support GroupSummary: Support group members find discomfort in Alex’s (Glenn Close) romantic stalking quest.

Recurring Characters: Brad.

Transcript

Pumping Up With Hans & FranzSummary: Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) play a clip from their fantasy dinner date video.

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz, Helmut.

Gipsy Kings perform “Bamboleo”Bio: French Rumba Catalana band; members: Nicolas Reyes, Paul Reyes, Canut Reyes, Patchai Reyes, Andre Reyes, Diego Baliardo, Paco Baliardo, Tonino Baliardo.

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: George Michael.

Transcript

49th Annual Westminster Mad Dog Show

Circle Mad Dog FoodRecurring Characters: Wilford Brimley.

Master ThespianRecurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Nine Different LevelsTranscript

Gipsy Kings perform “Djobi Djoba”

Jealous of Janelle

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts