SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: The Courtney Love Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19





95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

The Courtney Love Show

Courtney Love…..Molly Shannon
Marge Schott…..Darrell Hammond
Julie Andrews…..Christine Baranski

Announcer: It’s “The Courtney Love Show”, here she is, Courtney Love!

[ Courtney steps out from behind the curtains, but gets herself tangled up in them. A stagehand enters to assist her. ]

Courtney Love: [ shoves him away ] Get the hell off of me! Get off of me! Get the hell off of me! [ stumbles to the main set ] Whoa.. alright, here we go.. Alright, welcome to “The Courtney Love Show”, I’m Courtney Love.. I need a cigarette.. [ yells offstage ] Get me a cigarette! [ is handed a cigarette by the stagehand ] Alright.. come here! [ grabs the stagehand and makes out with him, as he struggles to break free ] Alright.. time for the monologue.. Alright.. Bill Clinton. What is up with him? Alright.. enough of that! Okay.. alright.. [ clears the crap off of her desk and sits on top ] Okay, it’s time for the Top Ten List. These are the Top Ten Bruises On My Body. Number One.. [ leans back and lifts up leg ] ..Number Two, Number Three, Number Four.. [ points to one area of her arm ] ..Alright, there’s ten, trust me, okay! Alright. My next guest.. is a woman who the press has been after, because she’s a woman who speaks her mind – like me. Please welcome Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott!

Marge Schott: [ enters set and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Hello, dear! Love that dress. You look so sexy! You look like one of those Puerto Rican street hookers!

Courtney Love: Oh, thanks, Marge! It’s so sweet of you to say that.. so sweet. So what, what happened?

Marge Schott: Well. All I said was that Adolph Hitler had some good ideas.

Courtney Love: You know what? Okay, that.. first of all.. that is the problem with thiscountry, okay? Because it’s like, a woman speaks her mind, people get all freaked out! ..You know? Did you say Hitler? Marge, you’re a fat Nazi bitch! Okay? Why do I feel like I want to make out with you? [ pounces onto Marge, as she uickly breaks free and runs away ] Whatever. Alright. Okay. My next guest.. is a woman.. [ falls asleep, then wakes up ] ..Okay, I’m back.. My next guest is the woman who told the Tony Awards where they can shove their Tony Awards. Please welcome Julie Andrews.

Julie Andrews: [ steps out and sits next to Courtney on the couch ] Courtney it’s so exciting to meet you! I’ve followed your little band, Hole, since its inception!

Courtney Love: Ohh.. Mary Poppins! What is up?!

Julie Andrews: Well.. the Tony Awards snubbed my Broadway show, so I am snubbing them back by not accepting their nomination.

Courtney Love: Ohh, Julie.. I totally know what you mean.. because, people come up to me, and they’re like, “Courtney, you have such a good voice, but your band sucks.” And I’m like, “You know what? Eat me! EAT ME!! EAT ME!! [ flashes her panties ] SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! What are you looking at?!

Julie Andrews: That is precisely how I feel! Courtney, I would be honored if you’d sing a song with me.

Courtney Love: Alright.. whatever..

Julie Andrews: I know.. [ stands ] Let’s do “Doe, A Deer”. [ sings ] “Doe, a deer, a female deer..”

Courtney Love: [ throws hands in the air ] “A female deer!

Julie Andrews: “Ray, a drop of golden sun..”

Courtney Love: “Sun!”

Julie Andrews: “Me, a name I call myself..”

Courtney Love: “Me!”

Julie Andrews: “Far, a long long way to run..”

Courtney Love: Wait, wait, wait, wait.. this sucks! This is totally making me, um.. a little bit dizzy..

Julie Andrews: Courtney, Courtney.. do you know “A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down.. in the most delightful waaaayy”?

Courtney Love: Yeah.. and Vodka helps it go down, also! Julie, I need to lay down, I feel tired.. I’m going to lay down, I’m so tired..

[ Courtney drops to the floor, as the stagehand tries to revive her. She slaps him off of her, as the show fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Christine Baranski: 05/11/96: Get Off The Shed II



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 19


95s: Christine Baranski / The Cure

Get Off The Shed II

Frank…..Will Ferrell
Shirley…..Christine Baranski

Frank: (Said Over Happy Birthday) Brandon, Michael, c’mon cake time, guys?

(Cheering)

Susan: Did you make a wish honey?

Johnny: Yeah

Susan: Good

Frank: I hope you wished for a high yield mutual fund. (Laughter)

Tom: You son of a gun Frank.

Susan: Alright, who wants cake?

Kids: me me me!

Tom: Frank, Susan, are Brandon and Michael coming?

Frank: Yeah, I called them I just don’t know where they went to.

Shirley: oh no wait, there they are on top of the tool shed honey.

Frank: Oh, hey Brandon, Michael, would you do me and mom a favor and get off that shed, c’mon guys I need you to be a buddy, get off the shed. What do you say, cake time, here we go c’mon.

Shirley: I’ll take a small piece and I mean small. Hey guys your dad wasn’t joking lets get off the shed.

Susan: Ya know Johnny did you thank Brandon and Michael’s parents for giving you the lion king video.

Johnny: Oh thank you

Frank: Oh you’re welcome son, I just hope you enjoy watching it as much as Brandon and Michael do. GET OFF THE SHED!!

Shirley: Ya know our boys must have watched that tape 500 times, we ended up having to buy a new tape.

Frank: True story

Shirley: GET OFF THE DAMN SHED!

Tom: Well, you know our kids just love Disney.

Susan: Oh yeah, every movie we buy is Disney. All: Yeah

Shirley: Pretty soon they’ll be running the government.

All: (Laughter)

Shirley: I WILL SHOVE YOU TWO BACK INTO MY WOMB IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THE SHED! You know, what a great day for a party.

Frank: Yeah Yeah

Shirley: I was talking to Jan Vixson just last Friday and she was telling me that (cut off)

Frank: I WILL DRIVE YOU OUT TO THE DESERT AND LEAVE YOU THERE FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH OF AUGUST IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!!

Shirley: I telling a story. I’m telling a story

Frank: Sorry

Shirley: Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kid’s party. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE PHILIPPIANS AND SELL YOUR KIDNEYS ON THE BLACK MARKET IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT SHED!

Johnny: Mommy, why are the man and the lady yelling?

Susan: I don’t know, just don’t go near the shed.

Frank: So hey birthday boy, how’s it feel to be nine?

Johnny: Scared.

Frank: That’s adorable. I WILL DOUSE YOU IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT YOU ON FIRE LIKE THAT BUDDHIST MONK IN VIETNAM IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT DAMN SHED!!

Shirley: IF YOU DON’T GET DOWN FROM THAT DAMN SHED I WILL LEGALLY CHANGE YOUR NAMES TO FRUIT AND WUSSY!

Frank: I WILL TAKE YOU INTO A DARK ALLEY AND FIGHT YOU IF YOU AREN’T DOWN IN TWO SECONDS!!!!

Shirley: HE WILL DO THAT AND I WILL VIDEOTAPE IT AND MAKE YOU WATCH IT EVERY CHRISTMAS MORNING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES! Together-GET OF THE SHED! GET OFF THAT SHED!

Frank: GET OFF! Michael: Dad, we’re right here.

Brandon: We were inside playing Nintendo the whole time.

Frank: Oh. Sorry kids, I don’t have my contacts in. Hey, let’s have some cake eh?

Submitted by: Andrew

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