[fade up to President Bill Clinton in casual clothes; background is white throughout the entire commercial]
Bill Clinton: [looking upward with outstretched arms, singing] I did not have sexual relations with that woman!
[series of three cuts: Bill playing a saxophone near a keyboard, then Bill sitting in a leather chair, then Bill shaking his hips next to the keyboard; saxophone can be heard throughout the rest of the commercial]
I misled people!
[cut to Bill’s feet moving on the floor]
Oooohh!
[series of two cuts: Bill shaking his butt near the keyboard, then Bill posing provocatively with his belt unbuckled and his pants unzipped and unbuttoned with the camera moving from his crotch to his head]
[whispers] Listen…
[series of two cuts: Bill playing the saxophone near the keyboard, then a close-up of Bill playing the saxophone and stopping after a few seconds to address the camera]
[chuckles] This is so easy! It’s just…it’s easy!
[series of two cuts: the Gap logo with “Easy fit.” underneath with the saxophone playing the “fall into the Gap” notes until the end of the commercial, then a close-up of Bill playing the final notes]
[Pompous broadcast news music accompanies the FUN WITHREAL AUDIO PRESENTS title card featuring the usualanimated, grinning reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to asecond title card: PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS OUTTAKES. Apair of hands holding a filmmaker’s clapboard isvisible on the right. Cut to President Bill Clinton,seated at his desk in the Oval Office, addressing thecamera, attempting to deliver his August 17, 1998″Address to the Nation on Testimony Before theIndependent Counsel’s Grand Jury.”]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the grand jury. Ianswered– I–
[Clinton pauses, looks down, gestures to someone underthe desk. After a moment, a busty blonde woman emergesfrom beneath the desk and exits. The pair of handswith the clapboard appears from the right and signalsa second take.]
Bill Clinton: [continues] … before theIndependent Counsel and the grand jury. [IndependentCounsel Kenneth Starr skulks into view behind Clinton,holds up a blue dress stained with presidential semento the camera, then exits.] I answered their questionstruthfully … [Starr returns, holds up stained reddress, then a pair of stained high-heeled shoes.] …including questions about my private life. [Starrexits quickly as Clinton turns to look at him.]Questions no American citizen would–
[Starr returns and holds up a purple dress that isdrenched and dripping with presidential bodily fluids.Clinton jumps up and attacks Starr – they bitch-slapone another. Clapboard signals a third take. Cut toClinton, alone again, seated at his desk, addressingthe camera.]
Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and the grandjur–
[Camera pulls back slowly to reveal semen stains onthe front of the desk. An aide rushes into view andwaves for Clinton to stop. Clinton, palms up, shrugsin confusion. Clapboard signals a fourth take. Cut toa tighter shot of Clinton, seated at his desk,addressing the camera.]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel and the gr–
[Framed, semen-stained painting of George Washingtonfalls from above and lands on the desk next toClinton. Clapboard signals a fifth take.]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testifiedbefore the Independent Counsel … [Semen drips fromthe ceiling onto the president’s head] … and thegrand jury– the grand–
[Distracted, Clinton pauses and rubs his semen-stainedhair with his hand. Clapboard signals a sixth take.Cut to Clinton, seated at his desk, addressing thecamera. His hair, caked with semen, sticks straight up– just like the title character in the Cameron Diazfilm “There’s Something About Mary.”]
Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, Itestified before the Independent Counsel and–
[An aide rushes into view and waves for Clinton tostop. Clinton, palms up, shrugs in confusion.]
Bill Clinton: I did not do anythingimproper.
[As more semen rains down from above, the aide signalsfor help. A man with a towel enters to mop up andnearly slips on the semen-stained floor. Take seven.Cut to Clinton, seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera.]
Bill Clinton: This afternoon, in this room,from this chair, I testified before the IndependentCounsel and the grand jury. [The ghost of formerPresident Richard Nixon magically appears next toClinton.] I answered their quest–
[Nixon’s ghost grabs Clinton’s speech from him,crumples it up, tosses it over his shoulder. He thentakes out some blank paper and a pen, handing these toClinton. Nixon then begins to pace the room whiledictating a speech to Clinton who dutifully writes itdown.]
Richard Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974resignation speech] I must put the interests ofAmerica first. Therefore, I shall resign thepresidency effective at noon tomorrow.
[Clinton looks up, eyes and mouth wide open — hedoesn’t like the sound of that.]
Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous”I’m not a crook” speech] I’m not a crook. Not acrook. Not a crook, crook, crook.
[Clinton jerks a thumb at Nixon, gesturing for theSecret Service to get rid of him. Two agents enter andtry to grab Nixon but he is an intangible ghost andkeeps right on pacing and dictating.]
Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon’s infamous1950s “Checkers” speech] It was a cocker spaniel dogand our little girl, Tricia, named it “Checkers.” And,you know, the kids love the dog–
[One agent tries to catch Nixon in a heavy U.S. MAILbag — to no avail. Take eight. Cut to Clinton, aloneagain, still seated in the White House Map Room,addressing the camera — Nixon has disappeared for themoment but Kenneth Starr enters and exits repeatedlyduring Clinton’s speech.]
Bill Clinton: Our country has been distractedby this matter for too long and I take myresponsibility for my part in all of this. [Starrappears at left gripping a pulley rope and lowers asemen-stained donkey from the ceiling.] That is all Ican do. [Starr props a stiff, semen-stained Al Goreagainst a bureau behind Clinton. Gore holds a signreading: GORE 2000.] Now, it is time — in fact, it ispast time — to– [Starr wheels in a table with thesemen-soaked purple dress under a microscope. Starrpeers into the microscope, then points to theeyepiece. Cut to a microscopic view of nine wigglingsperm — all have bodies resembling Clinton’shead.]
Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!
[Cut back to Clinton addressing the camera. Starr nowholds the microscope over the donley’s semenstain.]
Bill Clinton: We – we have important work–
[Cut to a microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm.]
Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!
[Cut back to Clinton who has risen and is whacking atStarr with a flyswatter. Starr tries to protect theimmobile Gore from damage.]
Bill Clinton: I ask you to turn away from thespectacle of the past seven months …
[Cut back to microscopic view of more wiggling Clintonsperm. They seem to be multiplying rapidly.]
Bill Clinton’s Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitchedvoices] I did not have sexual relations with thatwoman!
Bill Clinton: … to repair the fabric of ournational discourse.
[Cut back to Clinton still whacking at Starr with aflyswatter. He turns on the donkey and starts whackingit, too. Starr rushes to protect the donkey fromdamage. The glowing spirit of Richard Nixon swoops inand demonically possesses Clinton’s body. Suddenly,Clinton is channeling Nixon: imitating Nixon’strademark slouch, his voice and his gestures.Patriotic music.]
Clinton as Nixon: [from Nixon’s infamous 1974farewell speech to the White House staff] Alwaysremember, those who hate you don’t win unless you hatethem — and, then, you destroy yourself.
[Clinton glows and Nixon’s spirit flies out ofClinton’s body and soars away. Clinton, his old selfagain, smiles forgivingly at Starr. Both men hug eachother warmly. After a moment, Clinton starts humpingStarr and Starr violently shoves him away and offscreen. Cut to the FUN WITH REAL AUDIO graphic withsmiling reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to end creditsand “TV Funhouse” theme song.]
(Opens with a shot of foggy mountains, cut to 3witches dressed in black, stirring a big, black,boiling pot with wooden sticks. The 3 witches chant intheir witchy voices)
All: “Double!, double! Toil andtrouble! fire burn and cauldron bubble!”(Evil laughs)
Witch 1: Eye of newt shall seal thy fate!(drops somein the pot)
Witch 2: And wing of bat turns love to hate!(Dropssome too, in the pot)
Witch 3: More!, more! My sisters put some more tostrengthen this dread elixir!
Witch 2: Yes, yes my sisters. Stir round, stir round
(The 3 keep stirring)
Witch 1: Yes, yes boy!(normal voice, no witchyvoice)This is starting to get pretty rank!
Witch 3: (normal voice, no witchy voice)Oh God! Itstinks! Ugh! What did you put in there!
Witch 1: I don’t know, man but it’s really nasty! It’sstarting to get a skin on it!
Witch 2: (normal voice)What is that smell like?!
Witch 3: It smells like a….(smells)like a men’s roomat a truck stop!
Witch 1: Uh-huh, its worse than that! Its like analley behind an Indian restaurant.
Witch 2: No, that’s not it. It smells like somebodypeeing on a pile of burning hair!
Witch 3: Its terrible! The pot is ruined now!
(They all cover their noses)
Witch 1: Man alive!! What is that smell?!
Witch 2: God!, it smells like a cafeteria steam trayfull of ass!!
Witch 3: No, it’s more like someone dropped a rancidpork chop into a port-o-toilet.
Witch 1: Ugh! I got it. It smells like a bunch oflongshoremen having sex in a butcher shop.
Witch 2: This is just plain stinky!
Witch 3: My eyes are starting to water!
Witch 2: What is that?!(coughs)
Witch 3: It smells like they’re cremating people nextto like a hot dog factory!
Witch 1: Oh! This reeks!
Witch 2: It smells like tuna fish….tuna fish watereddown, served through Andre the giant’s ass!!
Witch 1: Oh, my God!
Witch 3: No. It’s more like…
Witch 1: Its like a porno theater or something. Aporno theater after the air conditioning broke.
Witch 3: Oh, oh man!
(Voice from down the valley, off camera)
Voice 1: Hey! What the holy hell are you witchesburning up there?!!
Witch 3: Sorry! Got a little out of control.
Voice 1: I’ll say it got a little out of control! Goodnight nurse! It smells like a jock strap full ofcottage cheese!!
Witch 2: Hey!, once again, you know, sorry!!
Witch 3: Sorry!
Witch 1: We should really do something about this.
Witch 3: Yeah.
(Another witch arrives, witchy voice)
Witch 4: Hello my sisters! Sorry I’m latebut…(normal voice)Sweet mother of pearl!! What thehell happened up here!!
Witch 3: Everything is under control.
Witch 4: My aunt Fanny’s ass is under control! Itsmells like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burningtire!!
Witch 2: Listen, we just don’t know what to do!
Witch 4: Well, you better do something! It smells likea trucker’s roid cushion!
Witch 1: I think I have something that might cover upthe smell.
Witch 4: Forget that! I’m outta here! Damn!!
(Witch 1 produces a bottle and drops a green liquidfrom the bottle into the pot. Green steam rises up)
Witch 1: This should do it. I think it will be fine.
(The 3 witches make disgusted faces)
All: Aaaaaawwwww!!!!!
Witch 1: It made it worse!!
Witch 2: Oh, my God! Look! It’s spreading down intothe valley.
(Voices from down the valley, off camera)
Voice 2: Oh! That is terrible!
Voice 1: What is that?!! It stinks!!
Voice 2: It smells like zombie poo!
Voice 3: That is nasty! It smells like sasquatch’snuts!!
Voice 1: Oh, man! That is rough!
Witch 2: Sorry! Look, it got out of hand!
Voice 2: Got out of hand? It smells like a diaper fullof shrimp!
Witch 1: We should get out of here, really. Yeah, weshould just get out of here.
Witch 3: Yeah.
Witch 2: Hey! Sorry everyone! It was our bad!
Witch 3: Sorry!
Witch 2: Sorry!
Witch 3: Sorry!
(Witches leave. Camera pans across and there’s the twosinging dudes from There Something About Mary. Oneplays a little tambourine and the other plays theguitar and sings)
Jonathan Richman: That fragrance came wafting from thehill and from the moor, how shall we describe thatodor so pure, how shall we describe that odor sosweet, how about rotten pumpkins and Keith Richardsfeet.(laughs)
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 24: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
September 26th, 1998 Cameron Diaz Smashing Pumpkins None Hugh Fink Dan Aykroyd Steve Martin Oprah 2002Summary: In the year 2002, Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows) the key players in the 1998 Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) sex scandal. Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp. Transcript
MontageNote: After a year’s absence, featured performers are included in the cast, though newcomers Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz are not credited in this episode.
Cameron Diaz’s MonologueSummary: Cameron Diaz confronts an innocent audience member (Hugh Fink). Also Hosted: 01p, 04p. Transcript
MasterCard
The ViewRecurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Starr Jones, Debbie Matenapolous.
Oops! I Crapped My PantsSummary: Undergarments for the elderly that can hold up to a gallon of fecal matter. Transcript
The Ladies ManSummary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and a local actress (Cameron Diaz) recreate scenes from the KennethStarr Report. Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps. Transcript
The Best of the First 20 MinutesSummary: SNL’s latest episode is rushed to videotape before it has even fully aired.
The New Hollywood SquaresSummary: The celebrity-filled board has collapsed, but the game show will go on.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio” features outtakes of President Bill Clinton’s address on the Starr Report. Transcript
Weekend Update with Colin QuinnSummary: Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) tries to sell Gary Giatti’s record-breaking baseball. Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou. Transcript
Roxbury GuysSummary: Roxbury Guys Doug (Chris Kattan) and Steve Butabi (Will Ferrell) lose the girl (Cameron Diaz) to aged Festrunk Brothers, Georg (Dan Aykroyd) and Yortuk (Steve Martin). Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi, Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk. Transcript
Witches BrewSummary: A trio of witches use metaphors to describe their foul-smelling brew. Transcript
Gap Ad IRecurring Characters: President Bill Clinton. Transcript
Jingleheimer JunctionSummary: Newcomer Fred Friendship (Will Ferrell) ruins the sanctimony of the Jingleheimer acronoym. Transcript
Gap Ad IIRecurring Characters: Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Spice Girls
MaakiesSummary: In a film by Tony Millionaire, a crow’s dead-end job finally leads him to a suicide purchase.
Gap Ad IIIRecurring Characters: Kenneth Starr. Transcript
SummaryAfter a two-year absence, the art of the Featured Player returns to SNL, as producer Lorne Michaels struggles to rebuild the male cast with the departure of Norm MacDonald and the reluncant firing of Jim Breuer. Gen-Xers Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz are the talented new guys joining the already-talented cast that includes annual favorites Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer, as well as continued promising performances by Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan, who enthrall the audience whenever they’re given a chance to perform on the show. Kattan gets away with an amusing Antonio Banderas parody, while Morgan shines in a live-action biography of yesteryear cartoon star Fat Albert, starting a new tradition of cast members portraying nearly forgotten cartoon characters. Among fan highlights for the 1998 season, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky makes several cameos during the Cuba Gooding, Jr.-hosted episode, youngest-host ever Drew Barrymore returns to host after seventeen years, and John Goodman celebrates his tenth time hosting, joining the higher ranks with original cast favorites Buck Henry and Steve Martin.
[ SUPER: “FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, DC 10:47 PM” ]
[ open on Mulder sitting at his desk in his office, typing on a laptop computer ]
Mulder V/O: A new ally has joined me in my fight to uncover the truth, to break the web of governmental deceit and conspiracy. This ally, who I believemay be operating at the highest level of government has up until this pointremained anonymous. tonight I will meet at last this man, who until now, Ihave known only as a husky voice on the phone, and his code name of allthings, “Deep Throat.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?
Deep Voice: It’s me, Deep Throat.
Mulder: [ opens door ] At last, the man I’ve been waiting to meet.
Janet Reno: [ enters ] Man? [ removes coat ] Take another look at this body.
Mulder: Janet Reno?
Janet Reno: Maybe. Okay, yes. Now let me help you pick your jaw up off thefloor.
Mulder: I can’t believe you’re the one sending me these messages. Thealien coverup must reach that high up.
Janet Reno: Alien coverup? What, do I have to hit you over the headwith a board? I was coming in to you!
Mulder: Are you trying to deny that your messages weren’t aboutextraterrestrial life? What about when you said you wanted to show mevideotapes of aliens?
Janet Reno: “Aliens” is one of my favorite movies. I thought you could comeover and we would watch it and have brie.
Mulder: What?
Janet Reno: I also have “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael”.
Mulder: You also said somebody in the Justice Department wanted togive me a UFO. Now that couldn’t be more clear. It’s about UFOs.
Janet Reno: Oh, great. Then you won’t mind if you treat you to an”Unbelievably Ferocious Orgasm.”
Mulder: Come on. Uh, what about “I want to give you an opportunity toexamine an out of this world body..” – oh. Okay, now I’m starting to get it.
Janet Reno: By the way, that offer still stands. [ strokes Mulder’s face andputs hand on his thigh ]
Mulder: So, to meet me you went so far as to send me messages andtake a code name, “Deep Throat”?
Janet Reno: Code name? Hell, “Deep Throat” was my old sorority nickname.
Mulder: Janet, I have never met you before in my life. I don’tunderstand why would you pursue me like this.
Janet Reno: Oh, Mulder. [ strokes his face ] Ever since I saw you at theJustice Department picnic, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.
Mulder: That’s right, I remember seeing you there, too. You ate,like, 60 pancakes, didn’t you. Yeah, I remember that. You had a crowdchanting “Janet, Janet, Janet!”
Janet Reno: Okay, I like pancakes. Let’s move on. Ever since that day I’vekept an extensive file on you. Let’s see. [ pulls out folder ] Special AgentMulder, first name Fox. I’ll say. Height, a delicious 6-1. Weight, 185pounds of Grade A chuck. And then I just wrote “Mrs. Janet Mulder” about300 times. See?
Mulder: Yes, I see. Listen, I’m flattered, Janet, but I’m marriedto my work and plus I’m really, really into pornography.
Janet Reno: Who isn’t?
Mulder: Well, I hope there’s no hard feelings. But if you’ll excuseme, my partner Scully is about to join me.
Janet Reno: Scully! I got a file on that pouty-lipped ice queen, too. She’salways “Oh, I’m so skeptical about that. No, I’m sure there’s a reasonablescientific explanation for that.” If I ever see her, I will do my karate onher. [ does karate move ] Ow.
SCULLY: [ enters carrying file folder ] Mulder, I’m skeptical about yourconclusion, here. I’m sure there is a reasonable scientific explan – ahhhh!
Janet Reno: Ahhhh!
[ Janet Reno attacks and kicks Scully down. ]
Mulder: [ going to Scully ] Scully!
Janet Reno: [ bowing ] Thank you, Miyagi.
Mulder: Scully!
Janet Reno: She’ll be all right. Won’t be first time she’s woken up with aheadache and a few bruises. What’s that, Scully, you want mo’ stuff?
[ Janet Reno starts to attack again. Mulder steps between them. ]
Mulder: Hey, hey! Now you’ve gone too far. Get out of here!
Janet Reno: All right, but before I go….
[ Janet Reno grabs Mulder, and gives him a big kiss on lips. Mulder fallsback on desk. ]
Mulder: Oh, my god. That kiss. It feels like there is a flying saucerin my pants.
Janet Reno: Oh, yeah? Too bad Foxy, you had your chance. Anyway, I’vealready got my own sweet piece of FBI meat. Oh, Krycek.
[ Krycek enters, and makes a show of using his right hand to lift his “fake” left arm over Janet’s shoulders. ]
Krycek: Come on, Janet baby, let’s roll.
Mulder: Krycek, no!
Janet Reno: Alex is with the real FBI, the “Female Body Inspectors.”
Krycek: Yeah. Anyway, see you later, Mulder.
Mulder: I am not gonna let you steal her from me.
[ Mulder punches Krycek several times. Krycek falls. ]
Janet Reno: Big mistake, my friend. [ punches Mulder out ] Let’s go, honey.[ Krycek tries to get at Mulder. Janet Reno restrains him. ] It’s okay. It’sokay. You’re with me. [ to Scully, who’s still on the floor ] Sweet dreams,whore! And as for you, Mulder – [ to camera ] Live from New York, it’s”Saturday Night”!
Thanks to Randym of NickLea.com for this transcript. randym7@bestweb.net
…..Colin Quinn Dominican Lou…..Tracy Morgan Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it’s Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Aah ha! Hello, I’m Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!
Okay. Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea’s new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was his role model. To which Clinton responded, “I don’t want you seeing my daughter anymore.”
Now, Hillary Clinton this week said that Palestinians should have their own free state. The President pointed out that the statement didn’t reflect official government policy. But added that if they wanted to become a free state, he and Hillary would be glad to broker the land deal.
A spokesman for the First Lady said that her views were personal, and are in no way a reflection of the views of the President. Much like their wedding vows….That’s sad, but…it’s true.
According to a poll in U.S. News & World Report, 32 percent of American women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. Meanwhile, the other 68 percent of the women said that he promised them that she would.
On “Larry King Live” Thursday night, Bob Dole revealed that he was one of the test subjects of Viagra, and that it’s a great drug. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Dole was on the “Today” show promoting her new book, The Horrors of Viagra.
In order to break a 14-month stalemate in the Middle of – in the Middle East peace talks, Madeleine Albright gave Israel ’til Monday to come to an agreement. The Israelis said, “Hey, she’s got a lot of chutzpah for somebody who only found out she was Jewish when she read it in the paper!”…‘Member?
This week, Bill Gates paid 30 million dollars for a Winslow Homer painting of a seascape. However, he will continue to pay four bucks for a haircut.
FBI research indicates that nearly half the guns used in crimes in New York came from five Southern states: Virginia, Florida, North Carolina, Georgia, and South Carolina. The other half came from under the front seat in the Wu-Tang Clan’s car. [some boos]…What, is Method Man here? Why are you people…
Now, here with some commentary on the Kenneth Starr investigation, the super of 9201 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, Dominican Lou!
[pan over to Dominican Lou, whose left arm is in a sling]
Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias. Thank you, Colin. I’m telling you, the Kenneth Starr, oh boy! I know a lot of guys like he! I know one guy like he! His name is Wilfredo. Wilfredo is the super for 9230 Burnside Avenue across the street from me! We are only fighting because he tried to get me in trouble with my wife and my girlfriend!
Colin: I see.
Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] That’s too much!
Colin: So what is, uh, Wilfredo does to you is like what Kenneth Starr does to Clinton?
Dominican Lou: Colin. When I catch Wilfredo tryin’ to get me in trouble, I catch him and I punch him up goo’! I come bea’ he! I make him bleed ’cause I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! I hurt him all over the body! I come bea’ he!
Colin: Yeah! Speaking of fights, what happened to your arm, Dominican Lou?
Dominican Lou: Wilfredo. He bea’ me. I no bea’ him. He bea’ me. He bea’ me pretty bad. He b– He putted the crowbar in the arm. With the crowbar. He bea’ me. And that’s what I think Clinton should do to this guy, Kenneth Starr!
Colin: Clinton should break Kenneth Starr’s arm?
Dominican Lou: And that, it will send a good message. If Clinton break-a the Starr arm, Starr will know that Clinton is tough, and he will say, “Oh Clinton, don’t break my arm! Don’t break my arm! Please do not break my arm!” I needed the arm to clean the building!…He will say, “I better not talk to his wife or try to steal the toilet paper for his dad at the room, he – he’s busy!”
Colin: I see.
Dominican Lou: Look, Colin. I live in the Burnside Avenue. I keep-a the building clean! You come here to my building, there’s no mice there, there’s no crackheads in the building…there’s nine people sitting on the stoop…but you go to Wilfredo’s building, 9230…they there, they throw-a the garbage out of the window, and they always make-a the trouble!
Colin: So…
Dominican Lou: So wha’?
Colin: So…what does this have to do with the Clinton situation?
Dominican Lou: Nothing. I just no like-a the Wilfredo. I want to say something bad about him on the TV. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe the Clinton could beat up the Wilfredo instead of the Starr!
Colin: Okay, hey look–
Dominican Lou: [over Colin’s last line] He come bea’ he!
Colin: Hey, Lou? What do you think about that thing on “Seinfeld” last Thursday when they burned the Puerto Rican flag?
Dominican Lou: I don’t care. They Puerto Rican. I Dominican.
Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody!
Dominican Lou: I come bea’ he! I come bea’ he! Wilfredo, I’ll beat you! Don’t go!
Colin: Forensic tests have confirmed that remains of a body found in Berlin in 1972 are those of Martin Bormann, Hitler’s private secretary. Experts say they were finally certain when they discovered his “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug.
It appears as if the Chernobyl nuclear plant will remain open despite a promise made to close it by 1995. Community leaders are happy because the plant provides desperately needed work for the local townspeople, many of whom have children with eight mouths to feed.
Mercedes-Benz merged with Chrysler this week. The biggest transition will be for gangsta [doctored photo of gangsta rappers with Mercedes-Benz medallions] rappers, who will now have to switch to big, gold Chrysler medallions.
At the Vatican this week, a disgruntled guard lost control, shot and killed his boss and his boss’ wife. Such an outburst is now called “going papal.”
In southern Turkey, where prostitution is legal, the prostitutes are going on strike. Boy, sex with a prostitute is risky enough, but who’s gonna go out with a scab prostitute? [negative reaction] Don’t let me go into the summer like this, folks. Come on.
A new survey reveals that children as young as 10 are using steroids to enhance athletic performance. Officials became suspicious when two kids were decapitated during a dodgeball game.
Susan Carpenter McMillan has taken on a new cause: spreading California’s chemical castration penalty to other states. President Clinton was quick to point out that Washington, D.C. is not a state!
Lilith Fair, the popular all-music…all-female music festival launches its second tour on June 9th. Returning to that tour and joining us tonight is Lilith Fair’s witty folklorist, Cinder Calhoun. Please welcome Cinder Calhoun.
[pan over to Cinder]
Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Colin. Um, thanks a lot, man. I know last time I asked you to introduce me as a witty folklorist, but just so you know, I now consider myself more of a karmic interpreter of humus, w – humorous vibrations, so that’s just to clarify.
Colin: Right, okay. Okay. So Cinder, what have you been up to while Lilith Fair is on hiatus?
Cinder: Well, uh, I’ve been working with a small publishing house out of Berkeley on a satirical comic book about the adventures of a [exaggerated Spanish accent] Latina superhero midwife.
Colin: Sounds great.
Cinder: Yeah, and I’ve also been temping in the personnel department at Citibank, so it’s kind of…
Colin: You must have gotten some great material from that.
Cinder: Um…actually, Colin, some things are so hideously profane that it’s hard to find humor in them! Uh, case in point: a couple of days ago I was sent home from work because I wasn’t wearing pantyhose! Um…maybe I’m crazy, but why should I be forced to wear pantyhose when I’m already protected by nature’s thick, woolly coating of leg hair? And I just thought we were sort of beyond this point in our – in our…cultural development, so I wrote a pantyhose protest song [grabs her guitar] about it. I hope you find it moving. It’s, um, sort of a call to arms for all the victims of legsploitation. It’s called “Unshackle My Legs.”
[lights dim as the song begins; plays her guitar]
Ohh, ohh… You say your corporate dress code Will make a good impression But your little rule is a fascist stool It’s cotton-crotched oppression For 40 years you kept us in A sweaty pantyhose prison But I’m the one who found a run In you control decision
You’ve hired us to do a job Let us finish what we started We’re breaking through this nylon seal And…stop being leotarded!
Unshackle my legs Be they hairy or funky now Unshackle my legs If they’re thick and they’re chunky now
Unshackle my legs Unshackle my legs Unshackle my legs Unshackle my legs Sheer Energy My enemy Unshackle my legs Unshackle my leeeeeeeeeegggs! [cheers and applause as she holds the last word; lights come back up]
[end of song]
Colin: Cinder Calhoun, ladies and gentlemen! I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Have a nice summer!
Dale: Everybody word up, word up, word up! Okay cool. For those who havent taken my splits and hurkey-jerkey jump workshop, Im Dale Heavener…the Heavenater and Id like to welcome everyone to the Spirit Stick Competition here at Camp Paula Abdul! Okay you guys have been working your butts off this week and I think you sizzle, and I think your cheering has been triple wicked. Alright, everybody get a good seat over there because were ready to pump up the jam!
Okay on a serious tip, whoever cut the front out of my speedo…not cool. Because that was my only speedo you guys so, enough said. Whew! Okay now here is the squad from East Lake high school, and they call themselves Pep Daddy!
(Audience screams and applauds)
Craig and Arianna: All aboard! Butt, butt, butt, butt, Butt, butt, butt, butt UGLY! Youre butt ugly! We are the mighty Spartans riding up your astroturf People say youre so ugly Godzilla gave you birth!
Arianna: Hey! Whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Craig: Its me! Its me!
Arianna: I said whos that Spartan gettin a wedgie?
Arianna: Come on guys! Its not just for strippers anymore!
Craig: Thats right!
(Dale comes running by them, almost knocking Arianna over)
Dale: Sorry about that…you guys should call yourselves jalepeno because, whew, you are so hot.
(All three do kicks)
Dale: Okay settle, settle. Lets find out more about Craig and Arianna.
Arianna: Okay..uh..um…my name is Arianna and Im just like Mary Tyler Moore except I dont have a Jewish friend. Um, Im coming to terms with my small chest. And despite my bike accident Im still technically a virgin. (Jumping up and down)
Dale: Okay, sex can wait!
All Three: masterbate!
Dale: Okay, Craig, what about you?
Craig: Well Im a Taurus which means I can be stubborn, plus Im afraid of water sports.
Dale: Uh-oh, someones afraid to take off their shirt. Back hair?
Craig: Guilty as charged
Dale: Believe me, I can relate. My nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Arianna: Not attractive, not attractive!
Craig: Dinner plates. No.
(All three jumping and kicking)
Dale: Okay are you guys ready for your power cheer?
Craig & Arianna: Alright!
Together: The Spartans hate to brag but were a real hum-dinger Were gonna kick your butt like a guest on Jerry Springer I say who you talkin to, who you talkin to, who you talkin toUh!
Arianna: I am a hooker I aint got no teeth I killed my husband With a Christmas wreath
Together: I say who you talkin to Who you talkin to Who you talkin to Uh!
Craig: Im a transvestite Whos stealing drugs Cause my redneck daddy Never gave me hugs
Together: I say who you talkin to! Final thought!
Arianna: Whoo! Jerry Springer! Get the message guys!
Dale: Whoa, that cheer was funktagious guys. Okay I think the judges are ready for their scores.
Arianna: Oh my God, Craig. (Grabbing Craigs hand)
Announcer: For creativity…0.3
Craig and Arianna: Yes!
Announcer: For athleticism…0.6
Arianna: .6!
Announcer: For difficulty…0.0
Craig and Arianna: Awww!
Announcer: For lameness..10
Craig and Arianna: Yes! Yes!
Arianna: Oh Craig we nailed it! Paula Abdul would be so proud!
Dale: Listen guys, Ive been tight with Paula since she was a Laker girl, and I know two things about her. One, she loves to have her hair brushed. And two, shes a stickler for pep jumps and booty work.
(Two cheerleaders walk up to them)
Cheerleader #1: Attention all ass vaccuums.
Craig and Arianna: Yes?
Cheerleader #1: According to the rule book, you have to have at least four in your squad to get a spirit stick.
Cheerleader #2: Yes and one, two…you guys are both disqualified.
Arianna: Craig? Craig, what are we gonna do?
Dale: Hey if you dont mind a 37 year old who collects Barbies, Id be glad to join your squad.
Craig: Thanks Dale but thats only three. We need four to compete.
(Sound of a helicopter off camera)
Arianna: Craig! A helicopter! I think its Rosie Perez!
Craig: No, I think its Debbie Allen!
Dale: If its who I think it is Im gonna saturate my speedo.
(Paula Abdul walks over)
All Three: Paula Abdul! Oh my God! Paula Abdul!
Dale: Paula Abdul, you are my goddess! Youre my goddess! Can I brush your hair?
Paula: No Dale.
Dale: Okay is that because Im your coworker?
Paula: No, its because your nipples are the size of dinner plates.
Dale: Oh yes, not good.
Paula: (Pulls a Barbie from behind her back) Here, play with this.
Dale: Oh, its Malibu Bubble Barbie! Completes the set!
Arianna: (Singing) Paula, straight up now tell us are you gonna be the fourth member of our squa-a-ad? (Does kick)
Paula: Actually Im here to collect your registration fees.
Arianna: Ahhh!
Paula: Oh, and Ill be the fourth member on your super squad! (Hugs Arianna) Okay, get!
Arianna: Yeah!
(All four dance to Play that Funky Music White Boy. Awesome dance.)
Scott: Infrareds are tracking Ricks eye movements, soon the world will know how the pituitary gland respond to weightlessness.
Houston controller #1: Thats right Roger.
[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 29, 1998” ]
News Anchor: The United Nations is stepping up a plan to increase aids to Sudan, the Sudanese government, has consented to allow supplies to be sent in the area. Stay with us.
[ SUPER: “Coming up: Chrysler merger talks resume Japan stocks close lower Tony Awards nominees announced Space Shuttle”]
[ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle. SUPER : “April 30, 1998” ]
Scott: Houston, we have repaired the cabin air cleanser.
Rick: We are locked, and loaded Houston [ Pilots “high five” ]
Houston controller #1 : Thats terrific um.. whats is name again?
Houston controller #2 : [ Building a card castle ] Rick.
Houston controller #1 : Thats terrific Rick!
Scott: Well be able to finish testing how the rodents respond to root beer, while weightless.
Houston controller #2 : [ Doesnt care, and doesnt know what to say ] Godspeed!
Houston controller #1 : Yeah Godspeed.
[ News bulletin. SUPER : “Evening News April 30, 1998” ]
News Anchor: In sports Mark McGwire has smashed his 11th home run tonight, it wasnt enough though as Milwaukee defeated ST-Louis 7 to 4. Stay with us!
[ SUPER : “Coming up: Denmark strikers hold ground “Ben Casey” creator dies Pleated skirt makes comeback Space Shuttle”]
[ Shot: cockpit of the Space Shuttle as retransmitted live on TV. SUPER: “May 2, 1998” ]
Scott: Mister President we are locked and loaded!
V/O then Houston controller #1 : [ Poorly impersonating President Clinton, controller #2 has difficulty not to laugh out loud ] America is proud of you! We look forward to your return.
Scott: We look forward to seeing you Sir!
Houston controller #1 : Oh, Ill be there, I cant wait to meet you all!
Rick: Hey Id just like want to say to everyone whos watching that we really love up here but, we sure miss home!
Houston controller #1 : Yes!
[ Controller #1 cannot impersonate the President anymore because hes laughing too much. Controller #2 takes a shot ]
Houston controller #2 : Hi! Im the President! President Clinton!
Scott: Yes Sir!
Houston controller #2 : I like sex! Im Clinton I have lots of sex with women!
Scott: All right Sir!
Houston controller #2 : Look at me! Im Clinton! Weeeeeeee!
[ Title Card #4 : The United Nations continued its support for Sudan. Ragtime led the Tony Award Nominations with thirteen. Mark McGwire has since hit his twelfth and thirteenth home runs. ]
[ Title Card #5 : The Strike in Denmark remains unresolved. ]
[ Title Card #6: From The Earth To The Area Around The Earth: The Story of The Space Shuttle ]
David Duchovny: [ enters, carrying guitar ] Thank you very much! It’s great to be here doing “Saturday Night Live”. You know, this is my first time in New York, and I’m really having a good time.
Actually, that was a lie. It’s not my first time in New York. I actually grew up here. I have no idea why I said that. I guess I’m pretty nervous. Well, that’s why I have this guitar here with me. [ sits on stool ] This is sort of a security blanket for me. Yeah, I know it might just look like just a cheap old six string to you, but this thing has been a big part of my life. You see, I was a very, very shy kid. I mean, like, literally, like from the age of 8 to 15, music was the way I communicated with people. I mean, this little baby here was my voice. In 1969, my father bought me this guitar at a flea market. He used to take me for guitar lessons every Saturday afternoon. And i’ll never forget the look on my Dad’s face the first time I played a song. He was so proud of me. Whenever I pick up this guitar, it’s like my father is right here with me. Tonight, if you don’t mind, I’d like to play a song for my father.
[ applause ]
Thank you. Although, I feel kind of foolsih even having this out here, considering that Jimmy Page, one of the greatest guitar legends of all time is here. But, if you’ll indulge me.. any of you guys Zeppelin fans? That’s Led Zeppelin. Well, maybe you can guess the name of this little Zeppelin tune. It’s one of my Dad’s favorites, actually.
[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” a little too well. After a few bars, he accidentally drops the pick into the body of the guitar. ]
Oh, damn.. Idropped the pick. I mean, it’s embarrassing. That’s live TV, that’s kind of fun. [ begins shaking guitar ] Som you just kind of get the pick out and start the song again. You know.. leave it to my Dad to buy me a cheap guitar like this.. with, like, the biggest belly in the world. I mean, he couldn’t spend more than $4.95 to get a damn guitar for me! If I knew where he lived right now, I would punch – [ still shaking guitar ] – you know something? This is a littlefrustrating now.. You know, I hate my father!
[ breaks guitar violently over stool, then finds the pick among the broken pieces of the guitar ]
Hey, here it is! Now I guess I can play that little tune.
[ plays “Over The Hills And Far Away” air guitar ]
We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Puff Daddy is here, and Jimmy Page! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
Air Date:
