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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

The Lost Deep Thoughts

[Mellow music, piano and synth. Waterfalls in the background.]

Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.

Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text]
When he was a little boy,
he had always wanted to be an acrobat.
It looked like so much fun,
spinning through the air, flipping,
landing on other people’s shoulders.
Little did he know
that when he finally did become an acrobat,
it would seem so boring.
Years later, after he finally quit,
he found out he hadn’t been working
as an acrobat after all.
He had just been a street weirdo.

[Fade out]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

The Lost Deep Thoughts

[Mellow music, piano and synth. Hummingbird hoversnear a flower.]

Announcer V/O: [a feminine voice reads thetitle graphic] And now — The Lost Deep Thoughts byJack Handey.

Jack Handey V/O: [reads scrolling text]
It’s funny, but when you
look at an old man,
then you look at a
photo of him when he
was a young man, then
you look back at the
old man, then the photo,
back and forth, pretty
soon you’ll do whatever
anybody tells you to.

[Fade out]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Chess For Girls

Mom…..Molly Shannon
Dad…..Will Ferrell

[ open on a boy and a girl playing a game of Chess, as their parents sit and read in the background ]

Girl: [ moves her piece ] Okay.

Boy: That’s your move? [ moves his You’re captured, sucker!

Girl: This is stupid! [ she knocks all the pieces off the board ] Chess is a boy’s game!

Announcer: Not anymore!

[ game board spins into view ]

Jingle: “Now there’s Chess For Girls!”

[ the Chess game pieces are shown individually, dressed in pink clothing ]

Jingle:
“Just like Dad’s, but with beautiful clothesNot too hard, just pretty and fun.”

[ three girls sit behind their posed and clothed Chess pieces ]

Girls: Pretty!!

[ various shots of the Chess pieces “in play” ]

Jingle:
“Here comes the Queen, in her long white gown
You can even braid her beautiful hair.”

Girl: I like Chess!

Jingle: “Real Chess pieces, with a special surprise.”

Girl: [ combing her knight piece’s mane ] She smells like strawberries!

[ show an interior scene of the Chess dollhouse, as a Tasty-Bake oven is pushed into the kitchen area ]

Announcer: Chess! It’s a classic game of strategy and wits —

Girl: [ blowing bubbles ] And bubbles!

[ a Chess van pulls into the scene ]

Girls: It’s Chess with a van!

[ show Bishop piece wearing a white dress, which is tugged loose to reveal a swimsuit underneath ]

Announcer: And Malibu Mystery Bishop is ready for a day at the beach, or a night of dancing!

Jingle: “Night of dancing!”

Girl: Let’s go shopping! [ bounces her Queen piece around the floor ]

Announcer: Now you’re playing Chess!

Boy: Hey! The Queen can’t move like that!

Girl: Shh! You’ll wake the baby. [ holds miniature bottle over the baby basket ]

Girl: Checkmate!

[ Mom and Dad peek into the room ]

Mom: Hey, what are you kids doing up here?

[ the three girls sit on the floor, surrounded by doll pieces, dresses, the van, and bubbles floating everywhere ]

Girls: We’re playing Chess!

[ Mom and Dad smile at each other ]

[ show product ]

Announcer: Tasty-bake Chess oven sold seperately. Some assembly required. Chess.

Jingle: “Chess For Girls!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
December 6th, 1997

Nathan Lane

Metallica

Ernie Sabella

The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders

Marianne Faithfull
NBC News Special Report: Well Babies TragedySummary: An episode of “Jenny” is interrupted by an important — not to mention, cool — news report: Brian Williams is psyched to announced that the McCaughey Septuplets have all fallen down a well, and he’s ready to sit on this story all through the night.

Recurring Characters: Brian Williams, Gerald Rivera, President Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Nathan Lane’s MonologueSummary: Nathan Lane casually enters the stage in a bathrobe while reading the newspaper, free of worries and oblivious to his hosting duties for the night. Ana Gasteyer and Nathan’s “Lion King” co-star, Ernie Sabella, confront him. Nathan promptly bursts into a chorus of “Hakuna Matata”, and dances through the studio with everyone in tow.

Bio: Nathan Lane (1956-). Actor; Broadway credits include: “Guys and Dolls” (1992); film credits include: “The Birdcage” (1996), “Mouse Hunt” (1997), “The Producers” (2005).

Chess For GirlsSummary: Because Chess is traditionally a boring boys’ game, Mattel has femmed it up for the opposite sex with dolls, dresses, and bubbles.

Transcript

The SpartansSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) chat on the phone before bedtime to make their Christmas wishes. They both fall asleep and share the same dream, of being real Spartan Cheerleaders and dancing with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

The Quiet StormSummary: While playing his groove music, Chris “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) is visited by easy listening morning host Larry Unhower (Nathan Lane), and the two begin an on-air turf war of competing hits.

Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett.

Transcript

Sister Wendy Beckett’s Art OdysseySummary: During a visit to a New York art museum, naughty Sister Wendy (Nathan Lane) tries to hide her love for erotic artwork.

Marianne Faithfull performs “The Ballad of Lucy Jordan”Note: Shown briefly on the air before the show cuts to a commercial break. The song wraps up as the show returns from the commercial break.

First Performed: 79j.

Lyrics

History of VaudevilleSummary: The vaudeville act of Weber (Nathan Lane) & Rose (Chris Kattan) was one of the earliest to perform ethnic stereotyping.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Norm MacDonald adopts the persona of Bud Abbott when he interviews Officer Lou Costello (Nathan Lane), who is frightened by a mummified corpse he discovered on a recent murder investigation.

Transcript

Metallica performs “Fuel”Bio: Heavy metal band; members: Kirk Hammett, James Hetfield, Jason Newsted, Lars Ulrich.

Lyrics

Songs That Ruined EverythingSummary: Styx frontrunner Dennis DeYoung (Will Ferrell) promotes the songs that signaled artistic doom for various rock performers.

Recurring Characters: Dennis DeYoung.

Transcript

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: On the hypnotic effect of looking back between an old man and his younger photograph.

Transcript

Miss MiloSummary: Broadway veteran Miss Milo (Nathan Lane) acts eccentric in front of her new dresser, theater major Vance Harris (Will Ferrell), as he gets her ready for her performance as Mrs. Christmas Tree.

Metallica, featuring Marianne Faithfull, performs “The Memory Remains”Lyrics

Ex-Con GeneSummary: Gene the ex-con (Colin Quinn) takes work as a cranky, kid-scaring Santa Claus.

Recurring Characters: Gene.

Transcript

The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: On a little boy’s desire to be an acrobat when he grows up.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Cinder Calhoun…..Ana Gasteyer
…..Sarah McLachlan

[ Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to NormMacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, I’m Norm Macdonald. Nowthe fake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, the Clinton White House angrily deniedcharges that burial plots in Arlington NationalCemetery were being handed out as political favors. Although, Presidential Spokesman Mike McCurry didacknowledge that it is not easy to explain the Tomb ofthe Unknown Asian Contributor. …

This week, an angry President Clinton demanded thatCongress stop dragging its feet on something he haslong championed — a Medical Bill of Rights for U.S.citizens. In all, there are ten items in thePresident’s Bill of Rights, running from Number One: Arich satisfying sex life is the foundation of goodhealth” … to Number Ten: “A straight penis is not aprivilege — it is a right!” …

Toymaker Mattel has decided to give its Barbie doll anew and less curvaceous body. This in response tocriticism that Barbie’s current measurements, if shewere six feet tall, would read an unrealistic38-18-34. Feminists are applauding the move but,personally, I think that instead of all this pettytinkering with measurements, they should just make hersix feet tall. … [ applause ]

Speaking of toys, this year’s survey of the ten mostdangerous toys has been released. Topping the listthis year: Tyco’s new Throat Clogger Upper.…

The FDA is considering approval of a new highlyeffective treatment for baldness. The drug, Propecia,has been shown in trials to grow thick, luxurianthair. Although, there is a downside. It only workson ears, noses and backs. …

In next week’s Life magazine, pop star MichaelJackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding and cradlingthe baby boy, in what Jackson himself promises will beLife magazine’s sexiest issue ever….

First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the countrythis week, visiting the remote region of Siberia. Said the President, quote, “When the cat’s away, themice– Ah, who am I kiddin’? The mouse screws plentyof women even when the cat’s right here.” … [applause ]

Has the lure of the almighty dollar finally made usforget the true meaning of Christmas? Well, in myopinion, the answer is yes — when you considerthat it’s not even Thanksgiving but the Christmasissue of Black Tail magazine is alreadyon newsstands. [ Cover of magazine with half-nakedwomen wearing Santa Claus hats ] … Shame on you,people at Black Tail magazine….

Wednesday on CBS’ “This Morning” program,correspondent Eleanor Mondale went toy shopping withKato Kaelin. According to producers, it was part of anew segment on the show called “Let’s Punish theAudience.” …

Well, now there is finally a matchmaking service fordogs. At “Happy Animals,” matchmakers guarantee tofind your dog a perfect mate based on height, weight,age and breed. So far, the dog dating service has hada one hundred percent success rate because, accordingto its founders, any dog will have sex withany other dog. …

An extremely rare albino lobster found recently inMaine will not end up on a dinner table but willinstead live out its days in a private aquarium. Thelobster’s already been flown from Casco Bay to Texas– where it will be lovingly cared for by rock legendJohnny Winter. [ Photo of the long-haired albinoguitarist ] …

I’d like now to make a correction to a story that wereported earlier tonight. It seems that the Christmasissue of Black Tail is not yet availableon newsstands. I’m sorry. So far, it’s only gone outto those of us who subscribe. … Our apologiesto the editors of Black Tail and — keepup the good work, boys! …

On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbiaon its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttlewill feature the first space walk ever by a Japaneseastronaut who will get to take in the uniqueperspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder ifthere’s any chance he’ll, uh, take a picture.…

Norm Macdonald: Well, tonight’s musical guest,Sarah McLachlan, organized last week’s– lastsummer’s, rather, Lilith Festival, the largestcollection of female singers ever to tour together.Their opening act was stand-up comic Cinder Calhoun.Please welcome groundbreaking female artists SarahMcLachlan and Cinder Calhoun. [ cheers and applause ]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um, as Sarahknows, I’m still not really comfortable with the termstand-up comic. I, um, I really consider myself moreof a weaver of satiric truths in the, uh, tradition ofthe great Appalachian humorists, so, uh…yeah.

Norm Macdonald: Well, Sarah, how did youdiscover, uh, Cinder, here?

Sarah McLachlan: Actually, it’s a pretty funnystory.

Cinder Calhoun: Yeah, we were, um, we werehanging out one night backstage with Alanis Morissetteat the, uh, Follow Your Bliss Tibetan freedom concertsand everyone was in kind of a real like giddyslaphappy mood ’cause I was on a roll telling somepretty righteously funny [ exaggerated Spanish accent] Guatemalan animal riddles … um, that I, uh,I had heard from a [ exaggerated accent ]Latina friend. … And, uh, Alanis was liketotally stumped by the one about the trickster owl andthe hungry bird and she goes “I don’t get it” and Ilooked at Sarah and I just go “Alanis, [ singing ]you you you oughta know.”

Sarah McLachlan: And I laughed so hard the babaganoush I was eating came out of my nose.

Cinder Calhoun: It was unbelievable. It wasunreal.

Norm Macdonald: So I guess that’s the point yourealized you were hittin’ somethin’ big here?

Sarah McLachlan: Oh, yeah. I got her for thetour right away.

Norm Macdonald: So you guys gonna do some ofyour comedy for us tonight?

Cinder Calhoun: Um, actually, Norm, Sarah and Ifeel that we’d be really remiss if we didn’t use thisplatform to address an issue tonight. Um, we were at aMaya Angelou poetry reading, um, last night with FionaApple. … She is so wise. Um. …Yeah.

Sarah McLachlan: Well, we were discussing theritual torture and senseless slaughters of turkeys inthe name of the gluttonous, nationalistic,patriarchal holiday that we call Thanksgiving.

Cinder Calhoun: [ increasingly emotional ]Right, and the sickest thing that Fiona told us is,apparently, that one company has a 1-800 number thatgives out cooking tips and recipes encouraging themutilation and consumption of these beautifulbirds! [ gasps ]

Sarah McLachlan: [ comforting Cinder ] Willyou be okay?

Cinder Calhoun: Yeah. So um, we wrote a songabout it, um, for all the turkeys out there whocelebrate Thanksgiving. [ Sarah and Cinder are handedacoustic guitars ] It’s called “Basted in Blood.” …

Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]
“We gather together for yams, beans, and cranberrysauce.
But have you given much thought lately to the TurkeyHolocaust?
Twenty million noble birds slaughtered every fall.
Ain’t no difference between Hitler, Stalin — and thefolks at Butterball!
Butterba-a-a-a-ll!!

[ Briefly cut wide to reveal Norm glancing aroundskeptically. ]

Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]
So set your tables, America, from Birmingham toBranson.
But when you carve that turkey you’re a finger-lickingCharlie Manson.
Enjoy your pumpkin pie, your buttery Idaho spud.
Grandma’s chestnut stuffing, and a turkey basted inblood…

Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!”

[ Huge cheers and applause. ]

Norm MacDonald: [ about to chew on a turkeyleg ] Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan — [ putsaway the turkey leg ] — everybody! Thanks. Thanks,Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan. … [ to thecrowd ] I wonder if Cinder is related to HaystackCalhoun? … Okay, folks. That’s it! Goodnight![ Pull back and dissolve to WU graphic. Music. Cheersand applause. Fade. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

… Colin Quinn

[Funky bass theme. SUPER: Colin Quinn Explains TheNew York Times. Casually-dressed Colin sits on theedge of a desk in an office set.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Colin Quinn explainsthe New York Times.

[Music pots down and lights come up to reveal Colinbrandishing a copy of the influentialnewspaper-of-record for the power elite.]

Colin Quinn: The New York Times. We allwant to be the people who read it but we don’t. Exceptme. I read it so you can watch “Veronica’s Closet.”… Now, before I begin, I should point out theTimes has been redesigned and colorized. TheTimes shouldn’t be colorized. It looks toodesperate. It’s like tryin’ to compete with thelittle punk newspapers. It’s like your favoritemiddle-aged uncle who starts shopping at Structure andlistening to Radiohead. … It’s creepy.

[picks up another copy, points to a front page story]This story, by the way, is about Iraq. Now, we alltend to demonize the Iraqis in this situation. Butlook at it from the point of view of some Iraqi who’slivin’ there. You grow up in Iraq, you can’t smoke,drink, have sex. Then, one day they tell you you’re ahuman shield. … All right? You’re supposed to stopbombs with your face. … In other words, they buildbombs to protect the people, then use the people toprotect the bombs. … You know, they must be sittin’there, like, “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you giveus tire irons and shoot us out of cannons, y’know?…

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Herein the national news this Tuesday, the Republicanstried to block Clinton’s appointee – appointee asambassador to Luxembourg ’cause he’s gay. Now, this issad. First of all, why pick on the guy, right? He’sthe ambassador of Luxembourg — you know? … Youthink they didn’t know that when they suggested him?You know, they’re in the room, like, “Hey, listen, wegot this gay ambassador. What do you want to do withhim?” “Ah, put him into Luxembourg. They’re not gonnado anything about it, y’know?” … It’s no big deal tohave a gay ambassador anyway. Don’t the English alwayshave those effete, alcoholic ambassadors down there inthe West Indies? Y’know, you got the guy in the whitesuit who drinks mint juleps and tells Joe Ortonstories. … [crosses legs, pretends to smoke acigarette] He just sits there going, [affected Britishaccent] “Oh, this wretched island! This wretched,wretched little island!” .. Y’know? …

By the way, this gay ambassador is the heir to theHormel meatpacking dynasty. Now, I know you’rethinking, “Oh, don’t go for a cheap gay meatpackerjoke.” … Let me tell ya somethin’. Let me tell yasomethin’. Even his gay friends make that joke, okay?… It’s right there. You can’t help it. To avoid itwould be more condescending than makin’ it. … Now… [applause] Thank you.

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Nowon Thursday in the business section, we have thisstory: “Newcourt Credit of Canada agreed to acquireAT&T Capital, a spinoff controlled by a unit of NomuraSecurities of Japan for one point six billion,creating one of the biggest non-bank lenders.” Now, Idon’t know what that means, you don’t know what thatmeans. You say, “Who cares?” … Right? And then youwake up one morning and a can of soup is eight bucks,all right? … Then you care. …

So, you need to read the Times because ofthings like that. You know the difference. You see theguy on the train, he’s got the Times, he’swearin’ a London Fog, he’s got on a six hundred dollarwatch, the headline says “Senate Subcommittee meetsHouse Judiciary” — meanwhile, you’re standing next tohim in a Hard Rock Cafe bomber jacket … you’rereading the Post, you’re lookin’ at a pictureof a naked woman makin’ out with a robot, right? …So, you can keep not readin’ the Times but thenyou have only yourself to blame when you get into oneof those political arguments with your friends – aboutthe American reacquisition of the F-1 bombers. They’reall spouting facts – and the only thing you can thinkof is one of Val Kilmer’s speeches from TopGun. …

I’m Colin Quinn, good night, thank you. Thankah!

[Cheers and applause, music, graphic, pull back,lights dim, fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Rita’s Thanksgiving

Rita…..Cheri Oteri
Rita’s Mom…..Mayor Rudolph Guiliani
Mike the Cop…..Colin Quinn

[ open on Rita Delvecchio’s Kitchen – Rita preparing Thanksgiving dinner as the phone rings ]

Rita: [ answers phone ] Happy Thanksgiving! Hi, Bella! Oh, yeah, you kidding? I got a full house going! Ah, some are watching the game, some are planning their next crime – don’t listen, Bella!

Nephew: [ runs into the kitchen ] Uncle Joe would like a beer!

Rita: In the fridge, baby, in the fridge.. [ into the phone ] How’s yuor turkey, how many pounds did you get? Yeah? How long did it.. [ hears her nephew open the beer and sip it ] Okay, that’s it! [ chases him out of the kitchen ] No more kids getting beers for adults! Okay!! Any kid who can’t walk a straight line by dinner gets my foot for dessert! [ back to the phone ] Ahh.. no, my mother’s down in the basement, I don’t know what the hell she’s doing down there. Hey! Listen, what’s the update on Frank Sinatra’s help? Let me hear. [ lights candle in front of Sinatra shrine above her microwave ] You’re kidding! Hold on, one second.. [ yells into the living room ] Everybody! Frank sat up! [ the family cheers, Rita returns to the phone ] Alright, baby, I gotta go. Talk to you later.Bye bye! [ Rita’s Mom pops out of the basement carrying a crate of sodas ] Ma! What the hell are you doing down there, don’t carry that yourself! What, are you crazy?

Rita’s Mom: The kids need more pop!

Rita: The kids are smashed, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: No, they’re not. They’re just happy.

Rita: Just sit down, Ma.

Rita’s Mom: [ flops into a chair ] Alright, alright, I’ll finishstuffing the shells. When was the last time you basted the turkey?

Rita: Three minutes ago, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: Rita, where did you the ricotta cheese to stuff these shells?

Rita: I don’t know.. Tony’s.

Rita’s Mom: How could you support Tony’s store?!

Rita: I know, I know.. when he spends all his money buying high-class jewelry for his girlfriends..

Rita’s Mom: His poor wife’s walking around in a rabbit fur poncho.

Rita: It don’t affect the cheese, Ma!

Rita’s Mom: It does if you cook it with love, like I taught ya.

Rita: There’s love in there. Keep beating. Keep beating.

Niece: [ runs into the kitchen ] Aunt Rita, we’re starving!

Rita: [ pushes her niece out of the kitchen ] Yeah? So are Sally Struthers’ kids! Now, go upstairs! Finish watching “The Sound of Music” upstairs! And stay away from Grandma’s moustache cream – it’s poison!

Rita’s Mom: It won’t hurt e’m! Let ’em have fun. [ notices Rita’s stirring in the pot ] Martha Stewart says not to stir while you simmer.

Rita: Martha Stewart. If I hear Martha Stewart tell me how to cook one more time, I’m gonna shove a cornish game hen down that WASPy bitch’s throat!

Rita’s Mom: She’s bad! I hear she doesn’t pay her bills – and she’s single. There’s a surprise.

[ a knock is heard at the kitchen door – Mike the Cop enters ]

Mike the Cop: Hi, Rita! Hi, Mrs. Sylvestri. Happy Thanksgiving. [ kisses Rita’s Mom on the cheek ]

Rita: Happy Thanksgiving, Mike! Ma, you know Mike the Cop?

Rita’s Mom: Sure, sure. Did ya eat?

Mike the Cop: Not yet. My wife forgot to thaw out the turkey, so we won’t be eating ’til after the Rose Bowl.

Rita: [ explaining to her curious Ma ] She’s Irish.

Rita’s Mom: Oh-h-h..

Mike the Cop: Rita, I hate to bug you about this, but you gotta get rid of some of those Thanksgiving decorations off your lawn, or I’m gonna have to give you a citation.

Rita’s Mom: Who called? Who called to complain?

Rita: I know who it was, Ma – my neighbor, Therese de Castiglione! The one with the see-through housecoat. Yeah, you oughtta give her latest hairdo a citation, that ugly pain in the ass!

Mike the Cop: Come on, Rita! You know it’s not me!

Rita’s Mom: She knows. Don’t worry, baby. Grab a piece of pepperoni and go in the living room with the guys!

Mike the Cop: Thanks. [ grabs a piece of pepperoni and retreats to the living room ] Sorry, Rita..

Rita: That’s okay.

[ the sound of something hitting the house is heard ]

Rita’s Mom: What the hell was that??!

Rita: What now?! What now?! [ runs onto her porch to inspect ]Sheesh! It’s the head of my Miles Standish! [ yells at the distant kids ] You mothers have no respect your forefathers, you know that! Guess what? I keep it! It’s mine! Wait a second.. it is mine.. Oh, yeah? Keep running, ’cause the next time I’ll kick you in your Plymouth Rocks!

Rita’s Mom: You heard her, you pill-poppers! Spoon-cookin’ bastards!! [ Rita’s Mom’s Mayflower is tossed onto the porch ] They broke my Mayflower!

Rita: Go get ’em, Ma! Show ’em what you’re made of! [ Rita’s Mom runs outside to take care of the delinquent kids ]

Rita’s Mom: [ hobbles back ] Great! I threw my shoe! Now I’m out a wedgie!

Rita: Come on, Ma, it’s Thanksgiving. It’s a day to think aboutwhat ya got.

Rita’s Mom: You’re right, Rita.. And I’m gonna have a dry turkey on my hands if you don’t baste it, for crying out loud!

Rita: Ma! If I baste it anymore, I’ll be committing a sin.

Rita’s Mom: Why?

Rita: ‘Cause I’ll be a Master-Baster! Ma!

Rita’s Mom: Oh, Rita, you’re bad!

Rita: Aw, Ma, you set me up, you bitch! I mean.. Ma! Ma!

[ they kiss and return to preparing the Thanksgiving feast ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Janet Reno’s Dance Party

Janet Reno…..Will Ferrell
Teen 1…..Ana Gasteyer
Teen 2…..Molly Shannon
Teen 3…..Jim Bruer
….. Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

[ open on teenagers dancing with Janet Reno in her basement ]

[ Music Open: “My Sharona”, The Knack ]

Announcer: And now from the home of the attorney general of the United States, it’s time for Janet Reno’s Dance Party!

Janet Reno: [ Music stops ] Hi, I’m Janet Reno. Welcome to Janet Reno’s Dance Party, coming to you live from my basement. Say, I really like dancing to that song. I wanna dance to it again.

[ Music: “My Sharona”, The Knack, Janet begins dancing ]

Janet Reno: [ Stops dancing ] OK, that’s enough dancing. [ Music stops ]. Now it’s time for a segment of the show that I like to call “Teen Talk”, where I roll up my sleeves and shoot straight with the kids of today, as we tackle the issues that affect them most.

[ Janet and teens sit in bleachers ]

Janet Reno: [ to Teen 1 ] Well, hello, how’s this year’s school year going?

Teen 1: Um, pretty good, I like most of my classes —

Janet Reno: Shut your mouth, you dirty liar! [ to Teen 2 ] Do you belong to any clubs?

Teen 2: Yeah, um, I’m president of the Latin club.

Janet Reno: You’re such a liar. [ to Teen 3 ] Do you play any sports?

Teen 3: I run cross country.

Janet Reno: OK, I’m sick of all your lies. Now, I want you to shut up if you can, and listen to what my next guest has to say. He was named associate attorney general in 1981, but now he’s just the mayor of New York, so uuh. Please welcome super-hunk Rudolph Giuliani.

[ Rudolph Giuliani comes down the stairs, walks over, and sits next to Janet ]

Rudolph Giuliani: Thank you, Janet. Hi kids!

Teens: Hi Mr. Giuliani!

Janet Reno: Shut it! Everyone shut up! So, how does it feel to be interviewed by the attorney general of the United States – the job you only dreamed about having. It must feel like crap.

Rudolph Giuliani: Well, Janet, I haven’t done that bad for myself. You know, I may not be in charge of the Justice Department, but I am the mayor of New York.

Janet Reno: My throwing stars and numchucks will make you the mayor of pain.

Rudolph Giuliani: What was that?

Janet Reno: Nothing. So, getting back to how jealous you are of me.

Rudolph Giuliani: I – I don’t know how you got that impression; I don’t want your job. I’d rather be in New York than in Washington. I’m not jealous of you, Janet.

Janet Reno: Then why don’t you prove that in the ring? Huh? How ’bout it, kids? Would you like to see us box? [ Puts on boxing gloves, steps down to the dance floor ]

Teens: Yeah!

Janet Reno: Ah, the sweet science! Boxing!

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet, this is ridiculous! I’m not gonna – I’m not gonna box with you!

Teens: Come on! Do it!

Rudolph Giuliani: I’m not gonna put these gloves on! [ Teens help him put boxing gloves on, he steps down to dance floor ]

Janet Reno: That ain’t regulation, chump! Alright, tough guy, if I win, you’ve gotta tell everybody that I’m the boss of you. How does that sound, you big baby?

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet, I wouldn’t hit anybody, let alone a middle-aged woman.

Janet Reno: [ Holds hand up to her ear ] What’s that, fist? He talks too much? Then I think it’s time for operation shutty uppy. [ Gets ready to fight ]

Rudolph Giuliani: [ Trying to hold Janet back ] Come on, Janet, stop this nonsense!

[Janet Reno punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ]

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, there’s nothing that says a mayor can’t defend himself. Janet Reno, prepare to eat it, Giuliani-style!

[ Janet Reno and Rudolph Giuliani box. Janet Reno knees Rudolph Giuliani in the groin ]

Rudolph Giuliani: Oh! You box dirty!

Janet Reno: Then how comes my conscience is so clean??

Rudolph Giuliani: Alright, Janet, you win!

Janet Reno: Then, say it!

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet Reno is the boss of me.

Janet Reno: [ punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!

Rudolph Giuliani: Janet Reno is the boss of me!

Janet Reno: [ Punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!

Rudolph Giuliani: Thank God not that many people watch your show.

Janet Reno: Oh, guess again, punk! [ Punches Rudolph Giuliani in the gut ] Again!

Rudolph Giuliani Janet Reno is the boss of me —

[ Camera zooms out to reveal big screen in Times Square playing the show ]

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: Rasberry0723

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Perspectives

Lionel Osbourne…..Tim Meadows
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

[ American flag is shown announcing the end of broadcast day ]

[ WNBC Channel official title card appear ]

V/O : That concludes our broadcast day, but first stay tuned for “Perspectives”.

[ Shot of “Perspectives” set. SUPER: Perspectives ]

V/O : Fulfilling WNBC’s community programming requirements, “Perspectives”, with your host; Lionel Osbourne.

Lionel Osbourne : Good Morning! It’s Sunday 4:49 in the A.M, and that means it’s time for “Perspectives”! I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and my guest today is running for the office of Mayor of New York City. His name is Rudolph Giuliani. He’s here to talk about his campaign and his plans for the future of the city. [ Turns to host ] Welcome to the show.

Rudolph Giuliani : Thanks Lionel, I should say that I was originally scheduled to appear on the show during my campaign, but I got a little busy.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic!

Rudolph Giuliani : I should also mention that the elections are over

Lionel Osbourne : Outstanding!… So ah, who won?

Rudolph Giuliani : I did.

Lionel Osbourne : Congratulations! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re just joining us it’s 4:51 in the A.M. You’re watching “Perspectives”! I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and, with us his the new Mayor of New York, Rudoph Giuliani. He’s here to talk about his new job and his plans for the city. [ Turns to guest, looks at his card ] Now it says here that your are running to become the 107th Mayor of New York.

Rudolph Giuliani : Well, I’m am the 107th Mayor of New-York. Actually I’ve been the 107th Mayor, for four years now.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! So you must like being Mayor!

Rudolph Giuliani : Well yes, it’s um, rewarding but hard work! People thought the city was unmanageable but I proved them wrong. There was the perception that this city was an unlivable drug and crime infested cesspool. I wanted to change that image.

Lionel Osbourne : Well good luck! [ Turns to camera ] If you’re just joining us it’s 4:53 in the A.M. and this is “Perspectives”. I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and my guest today is the new reelected Mayor of the crime and infested cesspool: New York, New York. The 107th Mayor is here to talk about his plans for the future! [ Turns to guest ] Now Rudy um, who was the 106th?

Rudolph Giuliani : That would be David Dinkins.

Lionel Osbourne : So you beat David Dinkins?

Rudolph Giuliani : Yes I did.

Lionel Osbourne : That is not fantastic.

Rudolph Giuliani : I’m sorry Lionel it’s just that when I took over the job of Mayor, the city had a lot of serious problems that were left over by the previous Mayor. The city’s crime rate was high, the welfare was at a record ;level, taxes kept new businesses away, and a lot of this, you know it was due to David Dinkins…

Lionel Osbourne : Mm. Any other time I would say “fantastic” or “outstanding”, but you just put down my good friend David Dinkins, a men who in my opinion is both… fantastic and outstanding! You sir have offended me.

Rudolph Giuliani : Well I’m sorry Lionel.

Lionel Osbourne : That’s okay [ Turns to the camera ] If you’re just joining us it’s 4:57 in the A.M. You’re watching “Perspectives”. I’m your host Lionel Osbourne and my guest today is Rudolph Giuliani, the new Mayor of New-York city and, he just offended me deeply but that’s okay. [ Turns to guest ] Now Rudy it says here that you have some innovative new ideas for our city.

Rudolph Giuliani : Yes I do, I’d begin with our educational program– [ Ending music starts ]

Lionel Osbourne : I’m sorry we’re out of time! That’s all the time we have on “Perspectives” and I’d like to thank Mayor Rudolph Giuliani for stopping by. Hey maybe you could come back after the next election!

Rudolph Giuliani : I can’t run again.

Lionel Osbourne : Fantastic! This has been “Perspectives” my guest next week will be Ruth Messenger who is also running for Mayor. [ Turns to guest ] Now do you know her?

Rudolph Giuliani : Not really not really.

Lionel Osbourne : All right then, this has been “Perspectives”.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: P-Y

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7

97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Saddam Hussein…..Will Ferrell
…..Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
Aide…..Tim Meadows

[ open on “Nightline” graphics ]

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: If you’ve just joined us, we’ve been talking to Iraqi president Saddam Hussein. Now, Mr. Hussein, I must ask: now that your latest conflict has cooled down, do you regret using human shields to protect weapon arsenals?

[ cut to Hussein, live via satellite ]

Saddam Hussein: No! I will do it again. If the U.S. wants to bomb my arsenals, then they’ll have to kill ALL the starving women and children I’ve lured there with false promises of food and water!

Ted Koppel: Why are you willing to do this?

Saddam Hussein: Because chemical weapons are a key part of my plan for global genocide? And that plan starts with wiping out the entire U.S. pouplation with anthrax!

Ted Koppel: Very strong words, sir!

Saddam Hussein: Also, at this time, I’d like to take a moment to say “Hi!” to my good, dear, dear friend — and mayor of New York City — Rudy Giuliani!

[ cut to Gracie Mansion, as a sistraught Giuliani watches “Nightline” ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: What the hell?! [ the phone rings immediately; Giuliani answers ] Hello? Yes, I just saw it. No, I don’t know him! [ he hangs up angrily ]

Saddam Hussein: Yes! Over the past few years, I’ve been through some difficult times, and, through thick and thin, Mayor Giuliani has always remained a loyal friend! A real source of strength and inspiration!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: That’s a lie!!

[ a knock at the door, as Giuliani’s Aide enters ]

Aide: Excuse me, sir? Are you watching “Nightline”?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Yes!

Aide: Did you meet Hussein in Law School or something?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ outraged ] No, I never met that madman!

Ted Koppel: Saddam, are you sure you’re talking about Rudolph William Giuliani, New York City’s 107th Mayor?

Saddam Hussein: [ smiling ] The 107th Mayor and my #1 friend — yes!

Aide: Why would he say those things?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Why does he do ANY of the crazy things he does?! The man’s INSANE!!

[ the phone rings again ]

Aide: I’ll — I’ll get it, sir. [ answers the phone ] Gracie Mansion. Oh. I see. Yes, yes, I’ll tell him. [ Giuliani sighs ] Sorry, sir. Your approval rating already dropped 90 points.

[ Giuliani covers his face with his hands ]

Ted Koppel: After this commercial break, we’ll be back with more about the very close bond between Saddam Hussein and Rudolph Giuliani.

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Well, what the hell are we going to do?

Aide: Well, sir, we need to call a camera crew and get you on the air to refute his claims — NOW!!

[ dissolve to “Nightline” graphics, as the program returns from commercial ]

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: We are back now. Mr. Hussein, do you have anything else you’d like to add?

Saddam Hussein: [ sternly ] I’ll kill anything that moves! [ a beat ] And, I think Giuliani has a great smile! [ he smiles ]

Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Mr. Hussein, I have just been told that we have Mayor Giuliani joining us live from Gracie Mansion in New York City —

Saddam Hussein: [ excited ] Oh, good!

Ted Koppel: Mayor, welcome to the program.

[ cut to Giuliani at Gracie Mansion ]

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Hi, Ted. Thanks for having me on such short notice.

Saddam Hussein: Hello, old friend!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ annoyed ] I’ve never met the madman before!!

Saddam Hussein: I would just like to say, here and now, that Saddam Hussein believes that Rudy Giuliani would make a great President!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ outraged ] Don’t SAY that!!

Saddam Hussein: And, if you want to put that quote on one of your political ads, feel free!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I really don’t need your endorsement!!

Saddam Hussein: Well, no charge — that’s a freebie. Call it a favor from a friend!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I am NOT your friend!

Saddam Hussein: Oh, come on! [ chuckling ] What are you doing to me, Roots! I mean, it’s ME! The Saddamster! Hey! Rudy! Do you remember when we went to see “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”?

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: [ shaking his head ] NO-O-O-O!!

Saddam Hussein: We threw toast at the screen! [ smiles ] Come on, let’s do the Time Warp again!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: I don’t know how to do the Time Warp!

Saddam Hussein: [ singing ] “It’s just a jump to the left! Adn a step to the ri-i-ight!”

Ted Koppel: [ cutting in ] “You put your hands on your hips, and bring your knees in tight.” [ Hussein smiles ] I love that movie! I haven’t thought about it in years! You’re alright, Saddam-meister!

Saddam Hussein: You’re not so bad yourself, Dr. Ted-enstein.

Ted Koppel: Hey, Saddam, would you like to get together sometime?

Saddam Hussein: Yes! I would love it!

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani: Ted! What the hell are you doing?! Have you lost your mind?!

Ted Koppel: [ aggressively ] Back off, Giuliani! You lost a friend, and now you can’t deal with it! [ turns to Hussein ] Saddam, are you ocming to the States any time soon?

Saddam Hussein: [ mock pouty-faced ] I don’t know, I’ve never been invited.

Ted Koppel: Well, let me be the first. I’ve got a fold-out futon in my living room.

Saddam Hussein: “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” [ he and Ted share the laugh ] No, really! Let’s meet up in New York!

Ted Koppel: Okay! It sure is nice to make a new friend.

Saddam Hussein: It sure is.

[ dissolve to images of Ted and Hussein together in New York — feeding the pigeons, sharing hoagies in the park, rollerblading, and having a wine and cheese picnic complete with guitar ]

[ music over: muzak version of Stephen Bishop’s “It Might Be You” ]

Ted Koppel V/O: Some people think it’s odd that a newscaster and a genocidal maniac can become best buddies. I’ll admit Saddam does occasionally irritate me — like when he told me that he liked the band Sugar Ray, or when he overuses the phrase “Don’t go there!”

[ show Hussein surprising Ted with a single red rose ]

Ted Koppel V/O: Aside from that, I’m just crazy about him! He brings out feelings in me I thought had died years ago.

[ Ted and Hussein share a carriage ride through Central Park, laughing and smiling in one another’s company ]

Ted Koppel V/O: We decided to buy a time-share in Boca Raton. I’ll look forward to growing old with this wonderful man. The man I call… my best friend.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts