SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 26th, 1996

Dana Carvey

Dr. Dre

None

None
Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Will Ferrell) moderates a no-holds-barred debate between Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) and other third-party candidates.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Ross Perot.

Montage

Dana Carvey’s MonologueSummary: Dana Carvey and his recurring characters like to be these people for you.

Recurring Characters: Arianna.

Transcript

Hey, Remember The 80’sSummary: George Michaels (Dana Carvey) waxes 1980’s nostalgia with Goat Boy (Jim Breuer).

Recurring Characters: Goat Boy, George Michaels, Joseph Hazelwood.

The Barbara Walters SpecialSummary: Barbara Walters (Cheri Oteri) and Elizabeth Dole (Ana Gasteyer) get chummy over the course of their interview.

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Elizabeth Dole.

Tom Brokaw Pre-TapesSummary: Before heading out for a winterlong vacation, Tom Brokaw (Dana Carvey) records various versions of the potential death announcement for former President Gerald R. Ford.

Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) recalls scenes from Yankee Stadium.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Dr. Dre performs “Been There Done That”

Church ChatSummary: Church Lady (Dana Carvey) riles up O.J. Simpson (Tim Meadows) and Madonna (Molly Shannon).

Recurring Characters: Church Lady, O.J. Simpson, Madonna.

Bob Dole’s Time TunnelSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) travels through time in order to stop a young Bill Clinton (Dana Carvey) from ever entering politics.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dole, Bill Clinton.

Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita (Cheri Oteri) deals with pranksters and trick-or-treaters in her front yard.

Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.

Phil Donahue & Johnny Carson: The Retirement YearsSummary: Johnny Carson (Dana Carvey) snickers over Phil Donahue’s (Darrell Hammond) lost keys dilemma.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue, Johnny Carson.

Transcript

Russell & TateSummary: Thugs Russell (Tim Meadows) and Tate (Tracy Morgan) use their legal skills to get your money.

Recurring Characters: Russell, Tate.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell

[Caption:Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald]

Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald.

[Wild cheers and applause]

Norm MacDonald: Hello, I’m Norm MacDonald and now thefake news.[Image of American flag. Caption: Decision96]Our top story tonight,according to a new CNN pollRepublican candidate Bob Dole now trails PresidentClinton by 15 points. A Dole campaign spokesman saysthat despite this numbers it is possible for them toreach their ultimate goal, to lose by 7 points.[Laughter]

[Image of President Clinton and woman on the beach]

While jogging on San Diego this weekend PresidentClinton was berated by tourist Valerie Parker whoshouted at him quote “You’re a draft-dodging,yellow-bellied liar, you’re a disgrace to the officeof the Presidency, to your gender and to this nation”and then added “I’m still gonna vote foryou”.[Laughter]

[Image of Robert Kardashian]

During a recent interview on 20/20 longtime O.J.Simpson friend Robert Kardashian said he now believesSimpson may be guilty though he did add that had hebelieved O.J. was guilty at the time he never wouldhave agreed to hide his bloody clothes andknife.[Laughter]

[Image of book cover]

Well Jocelyn Elders new book “Jocelyn Elders M.D.”came out this week. I read it.[Norm makes masturbationgestures with his fist][Laughter]

[Image of Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger]

This week London tabloids report that model Jerry Hallhas filed for divorce from Mick Jagger ending a 20year old relationship. Although I’m sure this is adifficult time for Mick you know, it must be kind ofexciting after 20 years now he finally gets a chanceto sleep with other women.[Laughter]

[Image of Bob Dole]

Meanwhile Bob Dole brought his struggling presidentialcampaign to New Jersey, vowing in his words to proveYogi Berra was right when he said “It ain’t over tillit’s over”[Image of Yogi Berra] Reached for commentYogi Berra said “It’s over”.[Laughter]

Well, after a 15 year absence the New York Yankees areback in the World Series.[Cheers and applause]And somenew yorkers have come up with a novel way of snaggingthose hard-to-come-by tickets, murdering guys withtickets and stealing them.[Laughter]

Well, as I said the 1996 World Series will begintomorrow. Joining us tonight on Weekend Update withhis analysis of each team is baseball legend and adear, dear, dear friend of mine, please welcome hallof fame broadcaster, Harry Caray. Hi, Harry.

[Harry Caray joins Norm at the Update desk. He’strembling, old,wild white hair, thick eyeglasses]

Harry Caray: Hi. Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! Igot to tell you folks. Its gonna be one heck of aseries. These are 2 fantastic ball clubs withoutstanding pitching. You’ve got Andy Pettitte andDavid Cone for the Yankees and of course the Braveshave 24 game winner John Smoltz and Tommy Glavine.He’s always tough, Norm. These teams are so evenlymatched. Let’s start with the Yankees. They play inNew York City. Wow! What a town! This place iscrazy![Hoots and hollering]You people are nuts! I oncesaw an Armenian woman give birth to a baby in thesubway. Beautiful, beautiful 8 pound 3 ounce boy namedTanzu. He’s 11 now. We still keep in touch.

Norm MacDonald: OK, OK,well Harry what can you tell usabout Atlanta?

Harry Caray: Oh, Atlanta is a beautiful city. Manyconsider it the jewel of the south. You know, its inGeorgia.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, that’s true Harry but hey, let’sgo back to the Braves and the Yankees, buddy.

Harry Caray: Norm, actually I’d like to give a quickshout out to Gail and Ron Anderson. They run AndersonHardware out in Waukegan, Illinois. They’re actuallyhere on vacation. They wanted me to say hi to theirbeautiful daughter Colleen who’s watching the store.Hey, Colleen!

Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry listen buddy let’s talkabout the lineups for both teams, huh?

Harry Caray: Hey, Norm. What about hose hot dogs theyserve in Yankee Stadium. Aren’t they delicious?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sure, yeah.

Harry Caray: I love ’em so much I once ordered 12.

Norm MacDonald: 12 hot dogs?

Harry Caray: Yeah, I only ate 2. I don’t know what Iwas thinking. To this day I laugh at the idea that Ithought I could eat 12 hot dogs. You can’t do it,Norm. You can’t.

Norm MacDonald: No. I imagine not. Well, Harry I knowyou have to run but before you leave hey, let’s getyour prediction on who will win the World Series.

Harry Caray: Yankees in 6.[Wild cheers and screams]

Norm MacDonald: Wow! How about that?! That’s great,that’s great! So that’s your prediction, huh? Yankeesin 6?

Harry Caray: Or the Braves, Norm. You never know.That’s what makes baseball such a crazy game.

Norm MacDonald: OK, Harry Caray everybody. HarryCaray. Thank you for joining us, Harry.

Harry Caray: Thank you.

[Shakes hands with Norm]

[Cheers and applause]

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, glad to have you with us. Goodyou could drop by.

[Harry Caray leaves]

[Image of paper headline says “Kid-neglect hooker wasunder probe]

The New York Post reported last week that a prostitutecharged with leaving her 4 youngest children alone ina roach infested Brooklyn apartment had been underinvestigation for years as a negligent mother. What’smore apparently the woman was also a really lousyprostitute.[Laughter]

[Image of a camel]

Last week a buyer in Oman paid $390,000 for a camel.The highest price ever paid for a camel. Even in themiddle east many are wondering why anyone would paythat much….[Norm looks over his shoulder to thecamel]Good God, that’s a sexy camel! That is a….takea look at this. I think is its eyes.

[Image of a paper headline that says Virginia]

In Virginia,[laughter from previous joke]police arelooking for a stripper who stabbed a man for tellingher she was too fat to strip. Police warn that thewoman is armed and extremely fat.[Laughter]

[Image of paper headline says “Di’s video ‘romp’revealed as hoax”]

In England, a much publicized videotape of a nakedPrincess Diana having sex with her lover Captain JamesHewitt has turned out to be a fake. But on the brightside its still a video of 2 naked people havingsex.[Laughter]

In Brunswick Maine, an outbreak of the deadly canineparvo virus has led to the local Human Society killingmany of its dogs. Gee, I wonder if the Humane Societywould kill off victims of canine parvo if instead ofdogs they were rich old white guys.

[Silence. APPLAUD NOW flashes on the bottom of thescreen. Applause]

[Image of Madonna]

And finally Weekend Update would like to congratulateMadonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl lastMonday. The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces.Making it the fourth largest object ever to passthrough Madonna’s birth canal.[Laughs andgroans]Congratulations, Madonna! And that is it! Goodnight. Good News. Take care.

[Cheers and applause]

[Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald logo]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

The Quiet Storm

Chris “Champagne” Garnett…..Tim Meadows
Station Manager…..Bill Pullman
Caller…..Molly Shannon

[ open on couple dancing to the music played on radio program “The Quiet Storm” ]

[ cut to DJ Chris “Champagne” Garnett performing “The Quiet Storm” live at the radio station ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That’s right. Tongiht is the night to make love to your woman. Hold her, and give her what only you can give her – your love. Alright. You’re with me, your DJ, Chris “Champagne” Garnett. So, grab your lady, hold her tight, and let her know it’s time to grind.. to.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]

Station Manager: [ enters booth ] Hey.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: We got a special treat, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I’ve been joined by our Station Manager Steve Jones. Welcome, Steve.

Station Manager: Can I, uh.. talk to you outside?

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Now, that’s alright, Steve. I don’t mind if my listeners hear. You see, we have a very special relationship, here on “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Now, tell us, Steve. What’s on your mind?

Station Manager: Well.. we’re gonna have to let you go.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ not hearing ] What’s that?

Station Manager: Uh.. look, Chris, I told you four times, change your playlist, and you haven’t, alright? And, I don’t need this crap!

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ still mellow ] Get the hell outta my face, punk! Son of a bitch, you can kiss my ass!

Station Manager: [ angry ] Alright, you got fifteen minutes left! Finish your shift, and then GET OUT!! You’re OUTTA HERE, you hear me! YOU’RE OUT!! [ exits booth ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: That bastard fired me on the air. Damn. I am this close to punching a hole in the wall. Right now, let’s punch up some smooth grooves, on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Let’s check out Kool & The Gang. This is “Cherish”. [ turns song on ] Yeah. [ accidentally knocks his coffee cup over ] Oh! Oh, God. I just burned my hand with scalding, hot coffee. It’s starting to blister.. I’d better find some water to put on this white, hot, searing pain. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] Right now, let’s take a dedication. Hello, Sweet Thang. You’re on “The Quiet Storm”. What’s your pleasure?

Caller: “Champagne”? It’s me.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Hey, what a surprise. It’s my fine lady, Cynthia. How you doing, lovely lady?

Caller: Look.. I have to tell you.. I’m seeing another man.

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Who is he? I’ll kill him. I swear to God, I’ll kill him. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]

Caller: It’s Steve Jones, your Station Manager. I’m sorry! But it is over! [ hangs up ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Well, it’s, uh.. 11:45. My life is a living hell. We’re listening to Kool & The Gang. And I am wearing the horns of a cuckold. We’re giving away free tickets to Frankie Beverly & Maze. And I have pure hate pulsing through my veins, here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ] I am now holding a gun, here on “The Quiet Storm”. I will kill Steve Jones. Tonight, you will die like the pig that you are. Do you hear me, Steve Jones?

Station Manager: [ re-enters booth ] You’re gonna kill me? You don’t have the guts! Come on! Come on!

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ pointing gun ] People, you are about to hear the sounds of a man’s brains splatting against the wall. Here on.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ presses thunder sound effect button ]

Station Manager: [ fights “Champagne” for the gun ]
Chris “Champagne” Garnett: [ struggling ] Ohhh.. I’ll kill you..

[ cut to couple dancing, as “Champagne” and Station Manager are heard struggling for the gun. Suddenly, the gun goes off. ]

Chris “Champagne” Garnett: Oh, my God. I’ve just killed a man. No. I was mistaken. He’s killed me. I’m about to die. And I’m.. dead. I.. am.. dead.. I am no longer living. I am dead. I can’t talk anymore, because I’m.. dead. On.. “The Quiet Storm”. [ thunder sound effect plays again ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

AT&T Operators

Karen…..Bill Pullman
Janice…..Will Ferrell
Kelley…..Chris Kattan

INT. AT&T HEADQUARTERS – MORNING

[ The office section is filled with six female operators. All are wearing matching blazers, scarves, skirts, and headsets. In the foreground are JANICE and KELLEY; both seated side by side at a computer work station. ]

[ Janice and Kelley are engaged in cross-chatter. Both having grating voices. ]

Kelley: [ to headset ] I wouldn’t recommend, but thanks for calling AT&T.

[ Both women look at each other and throw their hands up. ]

Kelley: [ to headset ] Thank you sir for using AT&T.

Janice: [ to headset ] No sir, still holding… No sir, MCI doesn’t offer a wide service like we do… Well, thank you for calling AT&T.

[ Janice clicks a switch on her headset. ]

Janice: I haven’t gotten one all day.

Kelley: I tell you Janice, I have been on this headset for three whole hours and all I got is this man for a referral for a man in Wisconsin and he’s not even home.

Janice: Well Kelley, I know you’ve been on vacation for the last three weeks, so it takes time to get back in the swing of things.

Kelley: It just doesn’t feel I’ve been on vacation. Oh! I’ve got a call! [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T!

Janice: [ to headset ] Kelley?

Kelley: [ to headset ] Hi.

Janice: [ to headset ] It’s me!

Kelley: I can’t believe you just did that!?

Janice: I just want to put you in a good mood.

Kelley: That’s the craziest thing you ever did do!

Janice: Well, you’ve got to keep your sense of humor when you work around here. Can I get you another cup of coffee?

Kelley: I don’t want another cup of coffee! I could go for another Cheese Danish, though.

Janice: I think we’re all out, but let me go check with Karen in the back and see if we have anymore.

Kelley: Hey, hey, hey! Get me another toothpick while you’re at it. If it gets stuck on my teeth once, it’s going to stick again.

Janice: I know where you’re coming from.

[ Janice gets up and does a “six-shooter” routine with her hands and makes gun fire mouth sounds to Kelley. Kelley turns around and responds the same. Janice walks to the hallway near the back. ]

Janice: COULD I GET A COUPLE OF CHEESE DANISHES AND A TOOTHPICK!!!

[ Janice goes back to her seat. ]

Kelley: I don’t know why you have to yell!

Janice: Well, you have to yell if you want to get anything done around here.

Kelley: You got that right, killer. [ to headset ] Hi! This is Kelley with AT&T. This is a direct line, sir. The only reason you use this is for direct line services. Well, thank you very much for using AT&T!!

Janice: Kelley, I’ve been looking on my computer here and I haven’t had an international referral in over three weeks.

Kelley: Here… I got two on my list.

Janice: What??

Kelley: I got one for Tokyo and one for South Korea. I can’t believe it!?

Janice: Janie in Section 14 once got a call from Greece the other day, I just about fell on the floor.

Kelley: I tell you, I’m so excited! I think I’m about to pee my pants!! I don’t think I’ll make it to the bathroom on time!

[ The ladies giggle and almost high-five but refrain. ]

Janice: [ to headset ] Hello? This is Janice with AT&T.

Kelley: I’m going to go check on the Danishes.

Janice: Okay.

[ Kelley gets up and does the same “six-shooter” routine to Janice, who follows suit. Kelley makes her way to the back hallway. ]

Kelley: WHY DO I GOT TO KEEP YELLING FOR A CHEESE DANISH!?!?!? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE, FOR GOD SAKES!?!?

[ Kelley back kicks the floor. ]

Janice: Would you stop yelling!? I’m trying to help somebody with their long-distance service. Why don’t you get yourself another cup of coffee? [ to headset ] Sir, that’s forty percent off your —

Kelley: I don’t want another cup of coffee. I want another Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish.

Janice: Well, you’re just going to have to be patient [ to headset ] No sir, I’m not talking to you. [ off headset ] Well, there you go. I just lost the best chance I’ll have all day because you keep yelling “Cheese Danish, Cheese Danish!!”

[ Kelley mocks Janice’s mouth movements. ]

Kelley: Yada, yada, yada… I’m going to make one of my international calls. I’m going to call Tokyo. [ to headset ] Konichiwa! This is your friend overseas — Kelley from AT&T. How are you doing today, sir? Hi, hi, hiya!

Janice: I’m going to go check on those Cheese Danishes.

[ Both woman faintly scream at each other as Janice gets up and heads to the rear hallway. ]

Janice: WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DAMN CHEESE DANISHES!?!?!?

Kelley: [ to headset ] I’m not yelling at you, sir. Why would I be mad at you, sir?

[ Kelley continues to speak in unintelligible Japanese as Janice returns to the desk. Kelley sighs and turns of her headset. ]

Kelley: Well, thank you very much. I just lost the call!

Janice: I’m just so damn hungry! I want the Cheese Danish!

Kelley: Well, thank you very much.

Janice: You don’t understand, if my blood sugar drops, I turn into the devil!

Kelley: I keep telling you — you’re going to wipe yourself out… wipe yourself out.

[ KAREN, wearing very similar clothing to Janice and Kelley, saunters in holding a tray of two Cheese Danishes. Her voice is far more intolerable than Janice or Kelley. ]

Karen: Are you the girls that wanted the Cheese Danishes?

Janice: Well, it’s about time.

Karen: Well, I’m sorry you don’t understand…

[ Karen places the tray before the ladies. ]

Karen: I have to serve Cheese Danishes to this entire office. And if I’m late, people start yelling, “Where are my Cheese Danishes!?”

[ Janice and Kelley cover their ears. ]

Karen: People don’t understand there’s a lot of people here and I’m only one woman!!

[ Karen saunters to her exit backwards. Janice and Kelley uncover their ears. ]

Kelley: She’s got the most irritating voice.

Janice: I know where you’re coming from.

Both: Hi! This is AT&T.

[ Camera zooms out as the house lights come on. The majority of the studio audience can be seen. The camera quickly pans to home base where Lenny Pickett and the “SNL” band are performing. ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

Bill Pullman’s Monologue

…..Bill Pullman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Pullman!

(cheers and applause)

Bill Pullman: Thank you! Thank you! It is really great to be here! Big year! Big year for Pullman. Get to host the “Saturday Night Live” show and I play the President of the United States of America.

(big cheers from audience)

Bill Pullman: Yeah. I’ve played a lot of different characters in a lot of movies, mostly romantic comedies. But I get to sometimes kick ass… and that’s why I did “Casper”.

(audience laughs)

Bill Pullman: But when you play the President of the United States who saves the world from an alien attack, you get a whole new level of respect and it even appears to make you sexier. In fact, this week – this week! Someone told me I was named one of the sexiest men of the year by Playgirl magazine.

(The audience laughs hard. Pullman nods and grins in full confidence.)

Bill Pullman: You know what that means? MEN find me attractive.

(Pullman takes a brief pause.)

Bill Pullman: Anyway, we got a great show. New Edition is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

Women´s Kickboxing

Hal Mendez…..Bill Pullman
Leslie Ann Smith…..Ana Gasteyer
Ann Manassas…..Molly Shannon
Announcer…..Will Ferrell

(Caption: “Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!” Rock guitar. Footageof different matches of women´s kickboxers, bashingeach other)

Announcer: Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Through October31st, it´s hard core action from the InternationalLeague of Women´s Kickboxing!

(Sleazy promoter in a tuxedo)

Hal Mendez: I´m Hal Mendez and my AmericanInternational League of Women´s Kickboxing is the onlyplace where you can see women kicking women…hard!!For money.

(Caption: “Hal Mendez. Promoter I.L.O.W.K.” More footageof women kicking each other in slow motion)

Announcer: Mothers, waitresses, lawyers, teachers butmostly part-time strippers kicking each other…hard!!It´s a scientifically proven fact that women kickhard!! (Photo of Einstein) Einstein see ya´, hate to beya´! (Photo explodes, more slo mo footage of womenfighting) Because the laws of physics do not apply whenwomen kick women…hard!!

Hal Mendez: Ya´thought ya´saw kicking before youhaven´t seen nothing until you seen women kickingwomen…hard!! And just when you´re tired of womenkicking women, women will start punching eachother…hard!! And keep punching each other untilyou´re ready for women to kick each other all overagain!! It´s a non-stop female smorsgarboard of pain!

(Caption: “North Kicks South.” Two women kickboxers areback to back posing)

Announcer: This week north kicks south when Buffalo´sWomen Kickboxing Champion Leslie Ann Smith (looks tothe camera) takes on Florida´s own AnnManassas. (snarls at the camera) They´ll kick eachother so hard that you´ll be glad you came to see themkick each other!

Hal Mendez: If you think it´s disturbing seeing womenkicking women, wait until you hear it.

(More footage of women´s kickboxing)

Announcer: Women kickin´women…hard!! Only $24!!Parking included!!

(Leslie, Ann and Hal in the middle pose for the camera)

Hal Mendez: Women kicking and punching women…hard!! It´s real.

Announcer: Women´s kickboxing not considered a real sport.

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

The Heyward Foundation

John W. Heyward…..Bill Pullman

Announcer: A message from John W. Heyward, President of the Heyward Foundation.

John W. Heyward: Hello. I’m a very wealthy man. I’m worth billions, and always have been. But I haven’t always been a man with a conscience. Time was, I thought my money was all I needed to be happy. But all that changed one day when I came across.. [ holds up Bible ] ..this book. The Bible. And I saw where it said.. [ reads passage ] ..”It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.” That passage changed my life. It moved me to start putting my riches towards a worthy cause. And that’s why I established the Heyward Foundation. The Heyward Foundation, For The Development Of A Way To Make It Easy For A Camel To Pass Through a Needle’s Eyes. I’m not going to Hell if my billions have anything to say about it! And I think they do. Let me show you..

[ enters a laboratory filled with scientists and camels ]

We’re doing God’s work here at the Heyward Foundation. First, scores of desperate Third World children brought me all these camels. And then I found all these cancer researchers, made them stop whatever it was they were doing, and devote their energies to trying to force these camels through needles, just like it says in the Bible. I know it sounds impossible, but we have made a lot of progress. We started small. We tried to cram a horse through a drinking straw. The result was pretty ugly and completely unsuccessful. But we learned a lot! [ stands in front of a big glass full of a strange-colored liquid ] Next, we tried pureeing a camel into a thin liquid, then pouring the camel through the eye of a needle. Sure enough, the liquid camel will pass through the needle. But.. we think that might be cheating. We’ve got our lawyers looking into it. But a liquid camel’s only part of it. I’ve also invested millions of dollars from my tobacco and pornography enterprises to build very large needles and very small camels. [ stands in front of a large needle and a miniature camel ] Unless I’ve completely missed the message of the Bible, somewhere in here is my ticket to Heaven.

Scientist: [ feeding miniature camel ] This is a new batch, Mr. Heyward! Aren’t they cute?

John W. Heyward: They’re cute.. just not small enough. Have them destroyed. [ addresses the camera again ] So, we’re working toward a beautiful future here at the Heyward Foundation. We dream of a day when camels pass willy-nilly through the eyes of needles, while billionaire industrialists like myself can look forward to an eternity spent in the pure white light of Heaven. Right, fellas?

Scientists: Yeah!

John W. Heyward: And, if we can’t get the camel through the needle, we have another plan. We’re prepared to spend millions to get that part taken out of the Bible. Don’t worry about me!

Announcer: [ appears as SUPER ] The Heyward Foundation. Working really hard to get Mr. Heyward into Heaven.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3

96c: Bill Pullman / New Edition

Home Security Decoys

Bill Tasker…..Mark McKinney

[ show Woman inside window, reading book in den ]

Bill Tasker V/O: You’re alone; and you’re vulnerable.

[ quick pan to Bill Tasker standing in front of house ]

Bill Tasker: Hi. I’m Bill Tasker of National Home Security, Inc. The only thing that will stop a dangerous intruder from terrorizing you – is if another criminal is already doing the job. That’s why we developed Home Security Decoys.

[ show Home Security Decoy of a man peering into the house ]

These life-sized and weather-resistant dummies tell criminals, “Hey! This house is taken!”

Now you can feel the comfort and safety of having a Home Securty Decoy nearby.

Statistics prove criminals like to strike while you sleep.[ show Elderly Woman jump up in bed; she gasps, thinking someone is in the room with her, but it’s just her knife-weilding Home Security Decoy ]

That’s why we developed the Home Bedroom Decoy.

[ Edlerly Woman relaxes, casually falls back asleep ]

[ show Home Security Decoys peeking out from under childrens’s bed ]

Finally, you can sleep in peace, while these versatile decoys watch over your loved ones and scare off intruders.

[ show Woman inside shower ]

You made it through the night – and that’s important; but now you find yourself in the most vulnerable place of all – the shower. With a Home Decoy, you can rest assured that shadowy figure behind the curtain is your friend!

[ suddenly worried, Woman peeks out of shower to investigate funny sound, revealing a bloody cown Home Security Decoy; she smiles, and returns to her shower ]

So make the secure choice, and turn your fears into friends. With Home Security Decoys.

Announcer: Also available: new talking Home Decoy.

Talking Home Decoy: I’m gonna put my evil inside you!

Announcer: Available at Rickel, K-Mart, and other fine stores.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 3


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 19th, 1996

Bill Pullman

New Edition

None

Adam McKay
Dole’s Dream DebateSummary: Bob Dole (Norm MacDonald) dreams that he’s debating Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman), the ficticious president from “Independence Day.”

Recurring Characters: Jim Lehrer, Bob Dole, Elizabeth Dole.

Montage

Bill Pullman’s MonologueSummary: Having played the President of the United States in “Independence Day”, Bill Pullman is proud to now be considered a sex symbol.

Transcript

Home Security DecoysSummary: Bill Tasker (Mark McKinney) touts the menacing dummies that keep real criminals away.

Transcript

AT&T OperatorsSummary: Operators Janice (Will Ferrell) and Kelly (Chris Kattan) chat between calls.

Transcript

Tic Tac ToeSummary: Crotchety carpenter Jack (Norm MacDonald) has to physically nail the X’s and O’s to the game board, while his son, Jack, Jr. (Mark McKinney), plugs the home version.

Note: One of the pieces falls on Norm MacDonald’s head while he pounds another piece into place.

The Rules ShowSummary: Ellen Fein (Ana Gasteyer) and Sherrie Shneider (Molly Shannon) advise want-to-be brides to “get the ring.”

TV FunhouseSummary: During “Fun With Real Audio”, President Clinton and Bob Dole’s weaknesses surface during their latest debate.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) offers his thoughts on the World Series.

Recurring Characters: Harry Caray.

Transcript

New Edition performs “Hit Me Off”

Hollywood PartySummary: Beatrice (Molly Shannon) and Sebastian (Chris Kattan) dish celebrity gossip.

The Quiet StormSummary: Chris “Champagne” Garnett (Tim Meadows) battles it out with his station manager (Bill Pullman) after he’s fired.

Recurring Characters: Chris “Champagne” Garnett.

Transcript

New Edition performs “I’m Still In Love With You”

The Heyward FoundationSummary: Desperate to get into heaven, wealthy John W. Heyward (Bill Pullman) fronts a research lab that can put a camel through a needle for him.

Transcript

Hidden CameraSummary: The hidden camera pranks are far too obvious for the general public.

Women’s Kick BoxingSummary: Promoter Hal Mendez (Bill Pullman) oversells the promise of women kicking women hard.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 2

96b: Lisa Kudrow / Sheryl Crow

Caribbean Essence

Woman #1…..Molly Shannon
Woman #2…..Cheri Oteri
Couple…..Will Ferrell & Ana Gasteyer
Caribbean Gentleman…..Tracy Morgan

[ images of the Caribbean are shown ]

Announcer: The cool sand. The cool ocean breeze. The pleasing scent of coconut and papaya. The new essence of the Caribbean. Now you can experience it all, with Caribbean Essence bath oil. [ cut to Woman #1 relaxing in her bath, with a bottle of Caribbean Essence bath oil ] The moment that first drop enters your bath water, you’re transformed into a Caribbean paradise. [ Caribbean gentleman rises out of Woman #1’s tub, and lifts her into the air and runs into the sunset with her ] And in moments, Caribbean Essence bath oil will light you up and take you away.

[ dissolve into Woman #2 relaing in her bath ] Caribbean Essence’s patented formula is a unique blend of herbs and fragrances will leave you so relaxed and refreshed, you feel like you’re in a tropical paradise. [ the Caribbean Gentleman pokes out of Woman #2’s bath bubbles, and carries her off into the sunset ] Other bath oil may have pretty bottles or fancy names, but Caribbean Essence is the only bath oil that lifts you up and takes you away. [ the Caribbean gentleman rises out of a couple’s bath bubbles ]

Caribbean Gentleman: Come. Bathe with me! [ he carries the couple into the sunset ]

Announcer: Caribbean Essence Bath Oil. The very essence of theCaribbean. [ Caribbean gentleman pokes his out from a pile of ropical fruit and smiles at the camera ]

SNL Transcripts