Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 10 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
January 30th, 1988 Carl Weathers Robbie Robertson None None Bob Odenkirk BushWhacked!Recurring Characters: George Bush.
Montage
Carl Weathers’ MonologueBio: Carl Weathers (1948-). Actor; brief career as a linebacker with the Oakland Raiders, 1970-71; best remembered as Apollo Creed in the “Rocky” film series, 1976-85. Cameos: 03b.
Handi-OffSummary: Office employee Sheila (Victoria Jackson) seeks a product that will resolve the problem she faces by having extra digits. Note: Repeat from: 12/05/87.
Robbie Robertson performs “Testimony”Bio: Robbie Robertson (1943-). Musician; he was the primary songwriter for The Band, until their dissolution in 1978; began his solo career in 1987.
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, RobinWilliams!
Robin Williams: [cheers and applause as Robinruns in and dances energetically] Thank you! Thankyou! It’s a privilege to be here in New York Citywhere its mayor– Doesn’t Mayor Koch sound a lot likeElmer Fudd or am I crazy? … [Elmer Fudd voice] Uhhh,I’m tewwing you, hahahahahaha, there is no cowwuption!Hahahaha! … [normal voice] It’s amazing, it’s beenan amazing year. Gary Hart has thrown his hat backinto the political ring. Actually, more than that –he’s thrown everything into the ring. … People lookat Gary and say, “Gary, you’re a sinner!” No, hewasn’t a sinner. He was on a boat, the boat wasrockin’, [rocking his hips back and forth] he went,”Hey, what the hell?” … [applause] Yes!
And, for as much as Gary has sinned, people in Francelook at him and go, [French accent] “What? Did hesleep with a chicken? No! … What eez the beegproblem there, huh?” If he gets elected, then–They’ll say [deep voice] “Now rise for the Presidentand his First Whatever.” … He walks out, there’s theFirst Lady goin’, “All right!” [walks like a chicken]… Pecking Raisia Gorbachev. [pecking like achicken]
We also had an amazing fight last night — Mike Tyson!Yes, indeed! [cheers and applause] Michael! Mike Tysonis a combination of Arnold Schwarzeneggar and MichaelJackson. … Yes. [as Mike Tyson] “I’m just gonna hurthim. His face was in the way, I was able to hit him.”Yes, he was there. But the funny thing about the fightis, if you notice, in the corner, all the attendantsare wearing rubber gloves! Why is that? [hands onhips, as a boxer] “It’s for safe boxing!” … Peoplegoing, like, [as a boxer] “Wait a minute, I’m not hereto make love with the man, I’m just gonna fightwith him!” Scary thing — you think, “Wait a minute,what’s goin’ on?” Is something going on in the clinchthat I don’t know about? Are they gettin’ together inthe clinch goin’ [as a boxer in a clinch, to hisopponent] “Why haven’t you called me?” [as thereferee] “Break!” [breaks the imaginary clinch, backsaway] …
It’s the Eighties! People are a little afraid. That’sright. That’s why everyone’s wearing rubber gloves.You go to your dentist — he comes to the door dressedin a wet suit going, [as dentist, with hands over hisface like diver’s mask] “Welcome!” … That’s right.You meet someone special, you say, [as a cautiousboyfriend] “Gosh, Helen, I care about you but — can Ihave some blood and urine so I can run some tests?”… Right, you’re going, “What am I gonna do?”
[points to man in crowd] Sir? Sir, do you have aprophylactic on you right now? Do you? You have thatlook like, “No, but I’ll– No, I don’t, I had itScotchguarded.” That’s okay. … And the one Jewishguy is going, “No, I had it upholstered. I feel somuch safer! … That way I don’t get any stains.” Youknow what I’m talking about! … You know what I’mtalking about when I say “prophylactic”? Yes! From theLatin word “prophylactorum,” meaning “strange partyfavor” — you know what I mean? … Yes! Yes, it ISthe Bathing Cap of Love! … Mmmm, people now go,”Yes! Carry ’em around, friends!” Because, you know,it comes along that time when you say you want to meetMiss Right or, at least, Miss Right Now! …And there you are together and you say, “Yes! Yes!”And I know you’re going, “Mm, baby! Yes!” And you’remaking love! And you go, “Hey, yes! Yes!” And you go,”Wait a minute! Time out! Let’s put on a balloon!” …
No, no! You have to put it–! I know most men aregoing, “Robin! I’m not putting that on! No! It takesthe sensitivity out! It’s like tap dancing in divingboots!” Okay! … It can be done! And I know some mengo, [as a tough guy] “Listen to me, man! I’m notputtin’ somethin’ on my Amazing Wonder Weasel makes itlook like a Hare Krishna!” … [cheers and applause,even from the SNL band] Put it on, baby! Put it on!
[to the band members] You know what I’m talking about![points to band members] Look at this here! Look atthat there! Even he’s carrying a prophylacticin his “safe sax,” you know what I’m saying?! … Yes,indeed! ‘Member in high school when you had theprophylactic, you had ’em on– [as high school boytrying to get condom on before erection disappears]”Ah! Oh! Too late, it’s over. I’m sorry.” … You haveto have some sort of way of doing it, you know?Because sometimes you feel like you’ve only got sixtyseconds. It’s like, “Okay, here we go!” You feel likethe plate spinner on the Sullivan show. [mimes puttingon condom while fingering a woman] Like, “Okay, honey,stay with me! Okay, stay–! Oh! Oh! Oh ho! Oh! Toolate! He’s gooooone!” … [sinks to the floor, as theWicked Witch of the West] “I’M MELTING! AHHHH! … YOUWERE TOO LATE! AHHHHH!” … But you have choices. Youdo. [cheers and applause]
Put it on! You can put it on! They’re there for yoursafety! You’ve got choices! You’ve got your plain oryour clear — if you wanna have the glass bottom boattour, that’s okay! … And if you like barbecue, theygot prophylactic with ribs! You know what I’m saying!… And if you like– If you’re in a party mood, theyhave the prophylactic or the “fiesta” condom so youcan turn your penis into a piñata! … There you are– beating it! If you hit– She has a little stick!She’s beating you for prizes! You know what I’msaying! … Yes, indeed!
Because what it comes down to, friends, is: theprophylactic is the feminist revenge for thediaphragm! You know what I’m saying! … Women knowwhat I’m saying! [cheers and applause] Women do! Thereyou are, you’re going, [as a man] “Honey, I just can’tkeep it on! I can’t–!” They’re going, [as skepticalwoman] “Right, right.” And I know — I know,sometimes, a few men, some — maybe like myself, Ihave to admit it — you put it on — and it falls off.Okay! … Maybe you have to use that thing that theytie off garbage bags and [mimes tying his condom onwith a garbage bag tie] keep it on there. … It’sokay. That’s what we’re talking about.
Because WHY are you wearing this? Why are you wearingthis prophylactic? Is it eventually gonna be so scarythat it’s gonna be, [as a man] “Helen? I’m in the airlock now!” … [as a woman] “Harry, leave the sperm ina dish! I’ll get it tomorrow!” … It’s like that.There are things out there that are scary! You knowwhat I’m talking about! It used to be herpes. Peoplegoing, [frightened] “Herpes!” Now people are goin’,like, [casually] “I’ve got herpes simplex!” “I’ve gotherpes complex!” “I’ve got herpes duplex!” No! Thatdoesn’t scare you any more! …
No! These diseases have been out there for a longtime! If you look at the history of them, they’ve beenthere for four thousand years! If you realize thatsyphilis came from sheep four thousand years ago–!Which makes you think four thousand years ago, therewas some shepherd that went, [as ancient shepherd, todeparting friends] “No, no. The rest of you go totown, I’ll be okay!” … [applause] What? And all thehealthy sheep are goin’ [as fleeing sheep] “I’m out o’here, man!” You know? … And there’s one sheep going,[coughs, points to himself] “Me?” [as the crazedshepherd] “Yeah!” No! And some people think that AIDSmight have come from a monkey in central Africaseventy years ago. Which makes you think that therewas some explorer, seventy years ago, went, [Britishaccent] “No, no. The rest of you go to town, I’ll beokay!” … The scary thought is that, right now,somewhere in the Midwest, there’s some little farm boygoin’ [deranged Midwestern accent] “I’m just goin’ togo clean the chicken coop, Daddy!” …
You’ve gotta realize that– You’ve gotta realize thatit’s out there! It’s scary but, hey! What are ya leftwith? If you don’t go out there and do what you do,what’re ya gonna do? Gonna be at home alone? You’regonna be at home alone, just sittin’ there with yourX-rated movie. Yes, I know. People who do it, singlepeople are goin’ “Yeah, Robin, I’ve rented CycleSluts from Hell. Okay.” … But why – why do theyalways have to be so BADLY ACTED?! Why? It’s alwayssomebody going [unenthusiastic porn actor] “Oh, yes.You know I want it. I’ve got it for you, baby.” …And there’s always some woman going [unenthusiasticporn actress touching breasts] “Oh, these are for you.Do me. Here we go. Oh, yes.” … She’s bored! Shelooks like she’s just out of it! Why CAN’T THEY HAVE[British accent] a classically trained Shakespeareanporno actor?! … A combination of Sir Laurence andHarry Reems! … Then you’ll have a movie! …Then, they’ll come out and go, [enthusiasticShakespearean porn actor] “Elizabeth! I will part youlike the Red Sea! … [cheers and applause] There wego! For this, I do cry now: I shall make you moremoist than Manila in the monsoon season! … I willdrive you thus and say WE HAVE ARRIVED! AND NOW, FORENGLAND, CRY ANON!”
We have a great show! We got James Taylor! Stay rightaround! [cheers and applause]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 9 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
January 23rd, 1988 Robin Williams James Taylor None None Pumping Up With Hans & FranzRecurring Characters: Hans, Franz.
Montage
Robin Williams’ MonologueFirst Hosted: 83l. Transcript
CompulsionSummary: In a spoof of Calvin Klein perfume ads, an obsessive-compulsive woman (Jan Hooks) continuously cleans amidst her surroundings. Note: Repeat from: 87d.
Birth Filming
Learning to FeelRecurring Characters: Denise Venetti.
James Taylor performs “Never Die Young”First Performed: 76a.
Kathleen Fulmer…Nora Dunn Tarzan…Kevin Nealon Tonto…Jon Lovitz Frankenstein…Phil Hartman
[Open on talk show set with title SUPER: “SUCCINCTLY SPEAKING.” Theme music plays. Seated from left to right are Frankenstein, host Kathleen Fulmer, Tarzan and Tonto]
Don Pardo V/O: “Succinctly Speaking” with Kathleen Fulmer.
[Applause as camera zooms in to Kathleen]
Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.
Tarzan: Fire good.
Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?
Tonto: Fire good.
Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?
Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!
Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take. Don’t you think? [Tarzan and Tonto nod. Frankenstein scowls at Kathleen] Okay, let’s move on, shall we? Bread.
Frankenstein: [Growls] Bread good!
Kathleen Fulmer: Hold on. Hold on, Frankenstein, we’ll get to you. Tonto?
Tonto: Bread good, Kemo Sabe.
Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tarzan.
Tarzan: Bread good.
Kathleen Fulmer: All right.
Tarzan: I no.. I no eat bread.
Kathleen Fulmer: Good. Frankenstein?
Frankenstein: Bread, gooood!
Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Now before we move on, let’s talk about something that is in the news very much these days: the I.N.F. Treaty. Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan like treaty. Make world safer for Tarzan and Boy.
Kathleen Fulmer: All right. There’s a strong endorsement. Tonto?
Tonto: Hmm, me no trust treaty, Kemo Sabe.
Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?
Frankenstein: Fire bad!
Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, but what about the I.N.F. Treaty?
Frankenstein: [Growls]
Tonto: Excuse me, Miss Fulmer. Frankenstein not understand question.
Kathleen Fulmer: Oh, I’m sorry. The I.N.F. Treaty, it outlaws medium-range nuclear, excuse me, nuclear missiles, at least that in a European theater.
Frankenstein: [Growls, then breaks character and laughs] Fire bad!
Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.
[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]
Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down]
Tonto: Frankenstein fear fire, not understand booking. [Frankenstein growls off-camera]
Tarzan: Line between fantasy and reality blurry for Frankenstein.
[Frankenstein re-enters through the hole he made in the wall]
Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad! [Growls and walks toward the camera, then exits]
Kathleen Fulmer: [Waves] Good night. Join us, uh, next week. It’s been a wonderful show. Drive safely.
[Applause. Dissolve to show title as theme plays. Fade]
[ Paul Simon, the musician, and Paul Simon, the Senator, both walk ontoCenter Stage ]
Paul Simon: You know, this is very embarassing.. and I was surethat they meant me!
Sen. Paul Simon: I just assumed they wanted me – Paul Simon,the Senator!
Paul Simon: Well.. it’s a comedy show.. and it’s a music show.. so,it’s gotta be me, I mean who else?
Sen. Paul Simon: I guess. I just wish somebody had told me earlier.I’ve been rehearsing since Thursday here.
Paul Simon: It gets very hectic here, and you can get lost in theshuffle.
Sen. Paul Simon: I understand. Like New Hampshire.
Paul Simon: Well.. it’s just one of those things that can hpapen toanybody.. named Paul Simon.
Sen. Paul Simon: You wouldn’t believe how many times this has happenedto me!
Paul Simon: And to me. I remember one time I had shown up with myguitar at a Democratic Women’s Convention in Audobon, Iowa.
Sen. Paul Simon: And how about that benefit at Madison Square Garden?I’m up on the stage trying to debate with Bruce Springsteen!
Paul Simon: You know, actually, I thought that you were very clearlythe winner on that debate.
Sen. Paul Simon: Why, thank you, Paul. Thank you.
Paul Simon: Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you, as they say, you know, kick back, relax, and just enjoy the show?
Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I’d love to.. I gotta get up early tomorrow,you know.. to run for President.
Paul Simon: I understand. I just feel so bad that you came allthis way..
Sen. Paul Simon: Well, I do, too, frankly. I was supposed to be inSioux Falls, South Dakota tonight, at a fundraising dinner.
Paul Simon: You know, this is a live show. And something couldhappen to me, and then you could be right there.. you could be like theother Paul Simon..
Sen. Paul Simon: Sort of “a heartbeat away”?
Paul Simon: We’ve got a great show tonight, with my good friendLinda Ronstadt, so stick around!
David: [ drags in a palm tree ] Honey, I think I found our Christmas tree!
Victoria: Oh! It’s perfect, David!
David: And what Christmas would be complete without.. [ revealsbag of gifts ] ..presents!
Victoria: Oh, David, you shouldn’t have.
David: I wanted to. Because if you can’t get a laugh on a desertisland, when can you get a laugh?
Victoria: That’s true. I got you something, too! [ pulls out giftfrom behind a bush ] Merry Christmas!
David: Oh, honey..
Victoria: Go ahead, open them up!
David: [ curious ] What can this be..? [ opens gift ] It’s a watch!It’s beautiful! But where on Earth could you find a watch?
Victoria: I didn’t find it. I made it!
David: [ stunned ] You made this watch?
Victoria: Yeah! I found some copper-bearing ore in the hills, andso I made a kiln and I kind of smelded some out..
David: [ amazed ] You smelded the copper?
Victoria: Yeah, just a little. And, then I hammered it out intoflat sheets, and I kind of cut the gears out of the sheet, then sort ofput it all together.. You like it?
David: Of course! I love it! [ puts watch on and winds it ]It works! [ still amazed ] You made this watch?
Victoria: Yeah! You know, that’s real gold on the outside. I pannedit out in the stream.
David: I don’t know what to say. I mean, it’s amazing. I’m amazed!
Victoria: I was just hoping you’d like it.
David: Like it? Ilove it! But.. where’d you get the strap?
Victoria: That’s pigskin. I stalked and killed a wild pig. It tookme three days.
David: So that’s where you were!
Victoria: Yeah. Then I tanned the hide, and I cut part of it outfor the strap.. do you like it?
David: It’s wonderful!
Victoria: See the hand?
David: Yeah.
Victoria: Um.. they’re whiskers from the pig, and I soaked them inpalm resin to harden them.
David: I don’t know what to say.. I don’t know what to say..
Victoria: Let me open one of yours!
David: Well.. I feel awkaward about..
Victoria: No, no, no.. [ opens a gift ] Oh.. it’s a shell..
David: Yeah.. I sort of found it on the beach.. and I thought itwas pretty, and.. a watch! I can’t get over that! I just can’t get overthat!
Victoria: [ hugging her shell ] Honey, I love this shell, it’sbeautiful!
David: I don’t know.. it’s not a watch, or anything..
Victoria: Well, I love it! And I’ll always cherish it. Okay, now open your next present!
David: Oh, yeah.. [ grabs present ] Where did you get the fancywrapping paper?
Victoria: I made it?
David: You made it?
Victoria: Well, it was really easy. I mean, I just pounded somereef into mulch, and that’s, you know, about it..
David: And the design?
Victoria: Uh.. squid’s ink, I painted on the brush I made..
David: I see. [ reveals telescope ] It’s a telescope..
Victoria: Yeah!
David: It’s wonderful.. I mean.. you made this, I suppose?
Victoria: Well.. sort of, a little.. I carved it..
David: No, you made it. It’s wonderful. Thank you.
Victoria: You really like it?
David: I said I did, I said I liked it..
Victoria: Okay, now let me open yours! [ David protests ] Oh, nowdon’t be that way.. [ she opens her next gift ] Ohhh.. it’s a.. it’s a..
David: It’s a potholder.
Victoria: Oh! Ineed a potholder! I really do!
David: I know you don’t! I know we don’t even have pots.. [ sarcastic ]Oh, maybe you could smeld some!
Victoria: Oh, come on.. [ opens another gift ] This is.. anothershell!
David: Another shell.
Victoria: It’s wonderful! Look, they’re even the same kind!
David: Well, I thought maybe you could use them together.. or something..
Victoria: Oh, I will! I will!
David: Do you really like them?
Victoria: Honey, I do. They’re from you, and that’s all that reallymatters.
David: Well, they are pretty nice..
Victoria: So are you. [ kisses him ]
David: Well, you know what I’m gonna do? I think I’m gonna go upon the big mountain, and I’m gonna check out my telescope. And I’ll beback.. oh! [ checks watch ] I’ll be back at 4 o’clock!
Victoria: Okay. Oh, David?
David: Yeah?
Victoria: Oh.. never mind..
[ David walks off to play with telescope. Victoria stays behind, pulls abush apart to reveal a motor scooter she made for him ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 8 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 19th, 1987 Paul Simon Linda Ronstadt None Sen. Paul Simon Tom Davis Marc Shaiman Jesus’ Surprise Party
Montage
Paul Simon’s MonologueSummary: Confusion arises over whether Paul Simon the singer is hosting tonight’s show, or Paul Simon the senator. First Hosted: 75b. Bio: Sen. Paul Simon (1928-2003). Politician; served in U.S. House of Representatives, 1975-85; Illinois State Senator, 1985-97. Transcript
Gary Hart AdSummary: Gary Hart’s effect on women makes him too hard for them to get him out of their mind. Note: Repeat from: 87a.
Desert Island ChristmasSummary: Being stranded on a desert island hasn’t stopped a woman (Victoria Jackson) from bestowing lavish gifts upon her boyfriend (Paul Simon) at Christmastime. Transcript
Master Thespian As Santa ClausRecurring Characters: Master Thespian.
Linda Ronstadt & The Mariachi Vargas performs “Los Laureles” & “La Cigarra”First Performed: 78s. Bio: Mariachi Vargas. In its original form, the group was founded by Gaspar Vargas in Tecalitlán, Jalisco, Mexico in 1898.
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Dennis Miller.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 13: Episode 7 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
December 12th, 1987 Angie Dickinson Buster Poindexter David Gilmour None None Christine Zander Gorbachev’s Incompetent Translator
Montage
Angie Dickinson’s MonologueBio: Angie Dickinson (1931-). Actress; best remembered as Sergeant Leann “Pepper” Anderson in TV series “Police Woman”, 1974-78.
The Stewardess
DonahueRecurring Characters: Phil Donahue.
Wedgie Fever!Summary: A masochist contestant (Jon Lovitz) purposely answers quiz show questions wrong so that he can get his underwear yanked by a crane.
Buster Poindexter performs “Hot Hot Hot”First Performed: 86a.
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
Traumatic Memories
David Gilmour performs “Ah, Robertson, It’s You”Bio: David Gilmour (1946-). Musician; lead guitarist and singer-songwriter for Pink Floyd.
Police Women
The Assimilated Jew’s HanukkahRecurring Characters: Henry Kissinger.
Sheila…..Victoria Jackson Male Worker #1…..Kevin Nealon Male Worker #2…..Dennis Miller
[ open in office ] Sheila: [ hands paper to Male worker #1 ] Here’s the rough design.I’ll have the rest in the morning.
Male Worker #1: Nice girl.
Male Worker #2: Yeah, she really is. Too bad about her hands.
[ Sheila looks at her hand sadly, revealing that she has seven fingers oneach hand ]
Announcer: You’ve tried sanding them off. You’ve tried slamming themoff. And mitts only hide the problem. There’s no way around it – you’ve gotextra fingers. It’s time for Handi-Off. Only Handi-Off contains Leprosin.[ Sheila applies Handi-Off to her extra fingers ] That tingle will tell youit’s working. In just three days, unsightly fingers disappear – for good![ Sheila’s extra fingers fall off ]
[ back at the office ]
Male Worker 2: Hey, Sheila. Pick you up at six?
Sheila: Let’s make it five! [ holds her hand up to reveal she now hasfive fingers on each hand, and winks at the camera ]
Announcer: Subtract your extra digits with Handi-Off. Nowthere’s new Toe-Riffic for toes.
Mikhail Gorbachev…..Danny DeVito Ronald Reagan…..Phil Hartman Driver…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan sitting in the back of a limosine, riding through the heart of Washington, D.C. ]
Mikhael Gorbachev: It is important dat we not expect too much from dis Summit. But it is a first step. And, from such a step, many.. Please, Ron, would you stop staring at my forehead?
Ronald Reagan: Oh, I’m sorry! I did it again, didn’t I? I’m trying hard not to. I’ve got kind of a mental thing about it. Please continue.
Mikhael Gorbachev: Never mind, it wasn’t important. Anyway, here we are in Washington, D.C. Please give me the grand tour.
Ronald Reagan: Well, to begin with, as you can imagine, Mikhail, our nation’s capital is rich wih history. See that building over there with the big pillars?
Mikhael Gorbachev: Lincoln Memorial.
Ronald Reagan: Whatever. Anyway, that’s where Jean Arthur talked Jimmy Stewart out of giving up in “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington”.
Mikhael Gorbachev: “With malice toward none. With charity to all.”
Ronald Reagan: No, I believe she said, “You can’t quit now, Jeff.” Oh, look, over there – the Iwo Jima Memorial. Have you ever heard the story behind that?
Mikhael Gorbachev: I’m not sure.
Ronald Reagan: Well, evidently, John Wayne didn’t want to play that part.
Mikhael Gorbachev: I see.
Ronald Reagan: Duke had his heart set on doing “Slattery’s Hurricane”. But he was under contract to Warner Brothers at the time, and, well, Jack Warner phoned Duke’s agent, Lew Wasserman, and said, “Lew, if the Duke doesn’t do “Sands of Iwo Jima”, he’ll be shagging tennis balls for Tyrone Power.”
Mikhael Gorbachev: I’m sorry, who?
Ronald Reagan: Tyrone Power. Anyway, Duke did the movie and was nominated for an Academy Award. Now, you know who would have played Duke’s part if he’d gotten his way?
Mikhael Gorbachev: To play John Wayne’s part? I.. I don’t know..
Ronald Reagan: Forrest Tucker.
Mikhael Gorbachev: It is strange how these things happen.
Ronald Reagan: [ points ] Oh, look! The Pentagon. You, of course, would know this from “Seven Days in May”, “Fail Safe”, and so on. Remember the really big war room in “Fail Safe”?
Mikhael Gorbachev: [ lying ] Yes.
Ronald Reagan: Well, it’s in there. I’ve never seen it, but in the event a war breaks out, they’ll take me there, evidently.
Mikhael Gorbachev: Would it be possible for me to see this war room? It would be fascinating to compare it to the film.
Ronald Reagan: Well, I don’t see why not. You’re on the VIP tour.
Driver: Ah, Mr. President, I’m afraid we can’t visit the war room.
Ronald Reagan: Why not?
Driver: Well, sir, I’m quite certain the war room would be off-limits to Premier Gorbachev, being that he’s such a high-ranking Soviet official.
Ronald Reagan: Oh, right. You know, sometimes I forget that we’re mortal enemies.
Mikhael Gorbachev: Well, Ron, often I think that if the circumstances had been otherwise.. [ Reagan stares at the birthmark again ] ..you and I could have been great.. Well, we could have been good.. if.. [ irritated, covers up his borthmark with his hand and points to the Jefferson Memorial ] What monument is that?
Ronald Reagan: Hmm.. it might be the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.
Driver: It’s the Jefferson Memorial, sir.
Ronald Reagan: Ah.
Mikhael Gorbachev: Is very beautiful.
Ronald Reagan: Yes, it is. Must be quite a story behind that. Oh! Oh! [ points ] There’s the Washington Monument! And here on this very field is where the saucer from “The Day The Earth Stood Still” landed. And I figure that the robot Gort stood.. right.. there! [ points ] Right there!
Mikhael Gorbachev: [ recalling fondly ] “Klaatu barada nikto”.
Ronald Reagan: Yep. “Klaatu barada nikto”. I always wondered what those words meant..
Mikhael Gorbachev: It means: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
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Air Date:
BushWhacked!Recurring Characters: George Bush.
