Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Red Sox’s World Series Win | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

David Ortiz…..Kenan Thompson

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: In the world of sports, the Boston Red Sox beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the World Series. Easy. Easy. Here to comment is former Red Sox slugger, Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[ David Ortiz slides in to sit next to Colin at the news desk. He is wearing a Red Sox t-shirt. ]

David Ortiz: Yo, yo, yo, yo. Woooo! Como estas, el Jost? Ahh, those Red Sox son los campeones del mundo!

COLIN JOST: Yeah, that’s right, champions of the world!

David Ortiz: Shut up! You no translate!

COLIN JOST: Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry.

David Ortiz: The Red Sox won another World Series man. And you know how we celebrate in Boston?

COLIN JOST: You had a big parade, right?

David Ortiz: We had a big lunch.

COLIN JOST: There was a lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah. The whole city eat a big Dominican lunch. With Big Papi!

COLIN JOST: And then, what sort of lunch…?

David Ortiz: [ Speaking in Spanish about the meal. He mentions steak and clam chili. ] And then for Halloween, we finish it all off with a slice of pumplikan pie.

COLIN JOST: I’m sorry, pumplikan?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s when a pelican eat a pumpkin, and then you eat the pelican. It’s a spooky.

COLIN JOST: Okay, and did you celebrate with the other players after the game?

David Ortiz: Oh yeah bro. Everyone in the locker room was spraying each other with something. I think you know what it is.

COLIN JOST: Oh, oh, mofongo?

David Ortiz: No. Champagne, man. Mofongo, man, don’t be racist.

COLIN JOST: Alright. Well the ratings for the World Series were down this year. Why do you think that is?

David Ortiz: Well, because nobody know who these Red Sox players are, man. But everybody knows Big Papi. Because I became a spokesman.

COLIN JOST: Oh yeah, that’s right. You do ads or a bunch of different products, right?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I do ads for spokes. [ An advertisement for wheel spokes appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a wheel? But you don’t know how to connect it to your bike? Use spokes, man! They’re like tiny little crutches for your wheel.’

COLIN JOST: So that’s an ad just for the general idea of spokes?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It’s like the concept, bro. And I do ad for Apple Watch, too.

COLIN JOST: Apple Watch.

David Ortiz: [ And ad for Apple Watch appears below David on the screen. It is an image of an apple and then the word ‘watch.’ ] ‘Apple Watch. You go to watch your apples. Or a monkey is going to steal them. So use Apple Watch instead, use a gun.’

COLIN JOST: You protect your apples with a gun?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. You can eat apples with anything man. Monfongo. [ He names other dishes in what sounds like Spanish with a heavy Puerto Rican accent. ] Funnel Cake de salmon.

COLIN JOST: Wait, I’m sorry. Funnel Cake with salmon?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. It make your dreams loco. Oh, and! Did you see my ad for bitcoin?

COLIN JOST: For bitcoin? No, no.

David Ortiz: [ An ad for Bitcoin appears below David on the screen. ] ‘You got a coin? But you don’t know if it’s gold or chocolate? Well if you bit coin, then you know.’ It’s what the pirates do in the movies, man. You know what I’m saying?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, yeah.

David Ortiz: And do you ever see the people who smoke the little vape pens?

COLIN JOST: Yeah, vape pens.

David Ortiz: Because I do an ad for Juul. [ An ad for Juul appears below David on the screen. ] ‘Juul. If you run around sucking on a vape pen, Juul look like a dumb ass, man.

COLIN JOST: Big Papi, everyone! Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

MICHAEL CHE: And I’m Michael Che, good night!

David Ortiz: Big Papi! Hey!

Weekend Update: Trump Deploys Troops to Stop Migrant Caravan | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. President Trump announced that he would deploy more than 15,000 troops to the US-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago. They’re calling this mission to the border ‘Operation Faithful Patriot’ which sells like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And fun fact, ‘faithful patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during sex.

MICHAEL CHE: You know who’s getting off way to easy in all of this? It’s Canada. I mean there’s two borders on this country, but they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to get into this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses the Tim Hortons Card. Old white people have the strangest fears. I mean of all the things that should actually scare them: salt, stairs, bathtubs, Joel Osteen. Why are you freaking out about Mexicans? I mean if anything you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing all your pain pills.

COLIN JOST: Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan: “Things are getting better, we can’t go back.” Now, in my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is if someone feels the need to tell you things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads about how the subway is improving. And I know because I read these ads when I’m trying to not make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats midterm slogan: “Oh man, are we gonna blow this again?”

MICHAEL CHE: The midterms are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who never vote. Like, me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I just think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctor’s don’t agree on the diagnosis, they don’t just turn to the janitor and say, ‘you wanna break this tie, Carl?’ I am going to vote this time, though, because people tell me this is the most important one. Then again, they said that the last time. I mean it’s like getting a bill that says Final Notice, it’s never the final notice. If it were, you’d be like, cool I guess I just went to college for free then, bitch. I know a lot of white liberals are probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my fault, okay. They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York. They’re not ever from here. If you really want to make a difference, go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying your rent from, and vote there. That’s what counts. You know how those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to coastal cities to study improv.

COLIN JOST: Oprah Winfrey also went door-to-door in Georgia to campaign for Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams. Which is great. But can you imagine how disappointed you would be if Oprah showed up at your door and it was just to discuss politics? I mean look at this woman in Georgia opening her door for Oprah. She definitely thinks she’s getting a new car. And not a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. It’s like if you’re a kid and Santa comes down your chimney on Christmas eve, with no presents, just a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. Former President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out the window two years ago. I mean, Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump Administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is taking sides.

Weekend Update: 50 Cent and Ja Rule’s Ongoing Feud | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Rapper 50 Cent continued his longstanding feud with Ja Rule by buying 200 tickets to his most recent concert so they would all be empty. It’s just great. Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly fifty-cents.

MICHAEL CHE: NBC news announced the Megyn Kelly would not be returning to the Today Show after her comments last week about black face. But don’t worry, she’s recovering with a nice relaxing trip to the spa.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia City Council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty kept his end of the deal, by releasing their children.

MICHAEL CHE: Two male penguins in a same-sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or, and hear me out, male penguins look exactly like female penguins.

COLIN JOST: A nun in Colombia who had lived in a convent for eight years has left the clergy to become a porn star, destroying the otherwise spotless sexual reputation of the Catholic Church. And a man in New Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal had rested his paw on a rifle in the back seat and it slipped. Okay, but then why had the dog googled: ‘How to shoot gun’?

MICHAEL CHE: The inventor of the MetroCard died this week..while waiting for the ‘L’ train.

Weekend Update: Every Teen Girl Murder Suspect on Law & Order | Season 44 Episode 4

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Brittainy…..Melissa Villaseñor

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Well, it’s a tough transition. The Young Adult book genre is more popular than ever. Here with her reviews of today’s hottest YA novels is ‘every teen girl murder suspect on Law & Order.’

[ Brittainy slides over in her chair to be sitting next to Colin Jost at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Uh, hey there Brittainy, how are you?

Brittainy: I don’t have to tell you anything, not until my lawyer gets here.

COLIN JOST: Oh, okay. But didn’t you say you wanted to come out and give us a book report?

Brittainy: I didn’t do it. I swear I didn’t do it. You have to believe me.

COLIN JOST: Okay. It says here you read the book, “The Hate You Give,” and you wanted to talk to us about it.

Brittainy: Oh yeah. That’s right. I remember now. It was good. It, like, says a lot about being a teen. And the pressure. I read it with my friends. At the library. And then we went home. And went right to bed. That’s it okay.

COLIN JOST: That’s all you did?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! We went to a big alcohol party at Carrie’s boyfriend’s house. And we drank beer from a beer keg, okay! That’s all we did, was drink alcohol, and go in a hot tub, and look at Carrie’s boyfriend. That’s it.

COLIN JOST: Okay, well what about the new Marcus Zusak book?

Brittainy: Look, I don’t know any more than you do. I got to homeroom, and they told us, Logan was murdered. And you know what? I was happy. She treated me like ass. And now she’s dead. In the trunk of my car. And I have no idea how she got there.

COLIN JOST: She’s in your car?

Brittainy: Okay, fine! I shoved her in the trunk, but it wasn’t my idea, okay. Carrie said we should just put her in the trunk and drive around a little to teach her a lesson. That’s all we did.

[ Cut to Michael chewing on a toothpick. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Damnit Brittainy. I’m tired of your lies. Tell the damn truth!

Brittainy: Your partner’s crazy!

COLIN JOST: Partner? This was supposed to be about books.

Brittainy: Okay, fine!! They dared me to stab her, but just as a joke. So I stabbed her. But Logan took it the wrong way and started bleeding.

COLIN JOST: Wait. So you did kill your friend?

Brittainy: I feel so bad about it. All the terrible things I done. But I guess the worst crime of all was being a bad friend.

[ Cut to end credits of Law & Order; the screen reads: “ Executive Producer DICK WOLF”. ]

COLIN JOST: Yeah, okay, well, the worst crime was murder. Teen murderer, everyone. Thank you so much.

Brittainy: That’s it. Okay!

Weekend Update: Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on the Mid-Term Elections | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Eric.….Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr…….Mikey Day

[Starting the news with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, with midterm elections a little over a month away, many Republicans are turning to the Trump name to help bolster their campaigns. Here to comment are first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Camera slides to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you, Colin. It’s good to be back here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals. Haha… [Eric leans towards Colin laughing] Okay, that’s

Colin Jost: How were your summers, guys?

Donald Trump Jr.: Ooh, busy. For me it was running the Trump Organization, breaking ground on a new Trump Property–

Eric: And I had swim lessons.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Someone got his ducky badge.

[Cut to Eric showing his ducky badge under his jacket collar]

Yeah, baby. Yeah.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Eric very proud]

No longer a tadpole bud. But midterms– midterms are next month, and that’s why my father has called for all Trump hands on deck. He asked me to stump for Republicans on the campaign drill.

Eric: And he asked me not to do that.

[Mimicking President Donal Trump] “Stay home, Eric.”

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, that’s right bud. You get to stay home and watch all the action on TV. Right? Fist bump, blow it up. Boom.

Eric: Ah! [Scared]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh. It’s not a real explosion, just made a noise with my mouth. All right buddy? [Eric looks at Donald’s hand in a distrustful manner] It’s not magic in any way. It’s just a fist bud. Look, my father’s confident that supposed blue wave isn’t making landfall anytime soon, which I’m sure makes everyone sad here at SNL, Saturday Night Liberals– I’m sorry I’m teasing. [Cut to Eric, Donald, and Colin] I had to do it again. What do you do? Hey, we’re on fire. Maybe we should take over for Jost and Che buddy. I got some jokes I can tell.

Eric: Me too. What do the gay black jews–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, don’t tell them. No! You can’t tell that joke.

Eric: But dad does.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he does not. No, he does not.

Eric: Yeah. He does. And he does all the voices.

Donald Trump Jr.: Respectfully. He does a very respectful gay voice.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] I’m sure, yes. Now this week, the New York Times reported that President Trump set up Sham Corporations to disguise millions in gifts from his father to avoid taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: Look, okay, yes. [Cut to Eric and Donald] Our grandfather gave our father gifts over the years, but it wasn’t to avoid taxes. It was to–

Eric: Evade taxes.

Donald Trump Jr.: No Eric. You want to play with your puppet? Got him a puppet. Here you go bud.

Colin: Oh, that’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Play with that. Collin, when the left is backed into a corner– don’t just stare at it. Don’t know how a puppet works? Look! Look, put your hand in here, right? Then you can make the mouth move. Look, [speaking as the puppet] “Hello Eric, I’m King funny face.”

Eric: Damn, he knows my name.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Yes. Everyone knows Eric’s name. He’s such a good boy.

Eric: Where do you live?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh, I live in a castle.

Eric: I live in a tower.

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Oh.

Eric: King, can I ask you a question?

Donald Trump Jr.: [speaking as the puppet] Um-hmm.

Eric: What did the gay black jew–

Donald Trump Jr.: No, okay. We’re done. Thank you, pal.

Colin: [Cut to Colin, Eric, and Donald] Eric and Donald Trump Jr. everyone. Thank you so much.

Weekend Update: Florida Voting Rights Initiative | Season 44 Episode 2

Host 1…..Micheal Che

Host 2…..Colin Jost

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of Florida inside the prison with a tag ‘FELON VOTING RIGHTS’ in the right top corner] A new initiative is on the ballot in Florida this November that would restore voting rights to people with felony convictions. I think this is a very important issue, especially when you consider the millions of black and brown men that have been unfairly incarcerated and should have the right to vote. Now, if you disagree with me, let me remind you, [top right corner picture changes to Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] it’s a very scary time for young men in America. You can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of. See, it’s a good line.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Arizona and cake with a tag ‘FIRE DAMAGE’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: And Arizona fire that caused millions in damage began when a father at a gender reveal party used a high-velocity firearm to shoot a target that exploded. So we don’t know the gender, but we do know who’s getting custody.

(Sorry.)

[top left corner picture changes to a goat with colorful horns with a tag ‘PARTY GOATS’]

A popular new trend in Los Angeles are Party Goats which are goats that are brought to parties and jump on people’s backs. Meanwhile, in China, a popular new trend is studying math and science.

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a white bottle of whiskey with Game of Thrones theme with a tag ‘NEW WHISKEY in the right top corner] The makers of Johnny Walker are introducing a series of whiskey inspired by Game of Thrones. The whiskeys are so strong that you’ll forget she’s your aunt.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of barber seat with a tag ‘ 8-YEAR-OLD BARBER’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: An eight-year-old in Pennsylvania has become a barber and now gives free haircuts to kids in the neighborhood and guess what? [top left corner picture changes to a picture of a young girl cutting a young boy’s hair messed up] They suck.

[top left corner picture changes to a picture of two penguins with a tag ‘ABDUCT BABY PENGUIN’]

A zookeeper in Denmark reported that a gay penguin couple abducted a baby penguin while his parents were swimming. [top left corner picture changes to a screenshot of grandma’s email] This according to an e-mail from my grandma titled “FW: FW: FW: What Obama Did.”

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a Starbucks logo with a tag ‘BARISTAS COMPLAIN’ in the right top corner] Starbucks baristas in Seattle are saying they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores every day by drug users. Meanwhile, over at 7ELEVEN, [top right corner picture changes to a picture of 7Eleven coffee being stirred by medical needle] they’re using them as stirrers.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Kanye West | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Guest…..Pete Davidson

[Colin Jost on the News table speaking]

Colin Jost: Last week Kanye West performed on the show and afterwards gave an unplanned speech to the audience in support of Donald Trump. Here with his reaction to Kanye Speech is Pete Davidson.

[Cheers and applause, Pete Davidson slides into the cut on a chair]

Pete Davidson: First off, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] a lot of people thought Che should be the one to talk about Kanye but we discussed it, you know. [Cut to Michael Che] Che is black, but I’m crazy [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] and we both know which side of Kanye is at the wheel right now. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So off to a good start. So speaking strictly for myself, what Kanye said after he went off the air last week was one of the worst, most awkward thing I’ve ever seen here. And I’ve seen Checy chase speak to an intern. And we all had to stand behind him and here’s what it looked like.

[Cut to Kanye West with his Trump ‘Make America Great Again’ red hat saying “That inspires me]

So I’m on the left, I’m like, “Oh God!” [Everything is darkened out but Pete Davidson trying to hide from the camera] And then I’m like, “I want a career”, [Cut to many people on stage and focusing on Pete Davison hiding and leaving the stage] so I leave. [Cut to Pete Davidson on the news table.]

[Crowd Laughs]

No, not necessary.

So Kanye was wearing a MAGA hat (Make America Great Again). That’s what it’s called. It’s stupid. Yeah. And he started by saying people backstage tried to bully him into not wearing it. He wore it all week, like, nobody told him not to wear it. I wish I bullied you. I wish I would have suggested that you know, it might upset some people like your wife or every black person ever. You know? I wish someone bullied me into not wearing this hat. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson wearing a pink hat on the streets]

[Crowd laughs]

[Cut to Pete Davidson on the news table]

Can you imagine that that t-shirt was the second stupidest thing I was wearing that day?

[Cut the same picture of Pete Davidson wearing a pink hat, the t-shirt says “BATHING APE”]

[Crowd laughs]

Then Kanye said that Democrats broke up black families with welfare and that slavery is not real. You know how wrong about politics you have to be for me to notice? You know how annoying that is? Kanye is a genius but a musical genius. You know, like Joey Chestnut is a hot dog eating genius. But I don’t want to hear Joey Chestnut’s opinion about things that aren’t hot dog related.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Yes, there you go. I agree.

Pete Davidson: Thank you.

[Cheers and applauses]

[Cut to Pete Davidson] Thanks, guys. Like Kanye, I know you’re like, “Yo, this is the real me. I’m off the meds.” Take them! There’s no shame in the medicine game.  I’m on them. It’s great. Take them. There’s nothing wrong with taking them. If I ever got on the plane and the pilot said, “I just want all of you to know, this is the real me flying,” I’d jump out. Being mentally ill is not an excuse to act like a jackass, okay? I’m quoting my therapist, my mom, and my mailman. Sorry, Carl.

But no, seriously, one time I stopped taking my meds, and I bit my mom. No, it’s all good. I bought her a house.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] All right. So is there anything Kanye could do to win you back?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, there is, and I’ll tell you the way that Kanye understands. I made this. Make Kanye 2006 again. [Cut to Pete Davidson wears red hat that looks like Trump’s MAGA hat, but it said “Make Kanye 2006 Again”] We want the old Kanye.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone. Drop that album. Where’s that album?

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Where’s that album?

Weekend Updates: Weekend Update: Senate Confirms Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court | Season 44 Episode 2

Anchor 1…..Colin Jost

Anchor 2…..Michael Che

[Intro video of Weekend Update playing]

Voiceover: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che sitting on the News Table]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Collin Jost.

[Cut to Collin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh’s picture on the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, the Senate confirmed Brett Kavanaugh to the supreme court with a vote of 50-48. 50 is the lowest number of votes. The lowest number of votes for a justice in history, but keep in mind it’s also the most yeses Kavanaugh has ever heard.

Listen, even if you look past Dr. Ford’s testimony which many people seem to have no trouble doing, Kavanaugh did a bunch of disqualifying just this past week. He basically lied under oath at a job interview to become a judge. That’s like cheating on your wife during your wedding. And then after he went full “Do you know who my father is?” at the confirmation hearing, he had to publish an apology letter in the Wall Street Journal [The picture in the top left corner changes to The Wall Street Journal article] which is something AA calls Step Nine. In that OP-ED, Kavanaugh vowed he would be a quote “Open Minded Judge.” I actually think he will be open-minded because you’ve got to be pretty open-minded to try a devil’s triangle. [The picture in the top left corner changes to White House with a tag ‘LIMITED INVESTIGATION’] And this is all following an FBI investigation which honestly didn’t seem super thorough. He’s what a law and order episode on this investigation would look like.

[Cut to two detectives inside an investigation room talking to a suspect]

Female Detective: We found your fingerprints on a handle of the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink.

The suspect: [Cut to the suspect denying the accusation] I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Female Detective: [Cut to the female detective] Well you’re free to go.

[Cut to Credit screen with only one credit, ‘Executive Producer – Dick Wolf]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh with a Department of Justice logo and a tag ‘FBI INVESTIGATION’] Yes, that FBI investigation was quite ridiculous, but my question is for the five out of six Republican women that voted for Kavanaugh. [The top right corner picture changes to five republican females] So are you all like, hostages? This feels like one of those horror movies where white ladies in love with the monster but doesn’t know it. And all the black people watching are like, “Oh Megan, you’re about to get ate.” This is not good for any of us. And I say us because if these Republicans don’t care about you, oh they definitely don’t care about me, if a white lady in tears can’t get justice then there’s no hoe for my black ass in Jordans.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh on the top left corner with a tag ‘DEMOCRATS CALL HIM “EVIL”’] I’m also angry at Democrats like Cory Booker who came out and called Brett Kavanaugh evil when his nomination was first announced. Then when he was accused of actual evil they had nowhere to go.

[Top left corner picture changes to a picture OJ commercial] It’s like seeing OJ doing a Hertz commercial in the 80’s and saying this is the worst thing he’ll ever do.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I heard the president say on TV that quote, [Cut to the written quote] “IT’S A SCARY TIME FOR YOUNG MEN IN AMERICA WHEN YOU CAN BE GUILTY OF SOMETHING THAT YOU MAY NOT BE GUILTY OF.”

[Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I don’t have a joke for that. I just thought it was hilarious. Come on! Old rich white dude telling us it’s a scary time in America. That is pure comedy. And I will be stealing that line.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost] Republicans are now planning to use the liberal opposition to Brett Kavanaugh to stoke anger among the GOP base ahead of the midterm elections. But if that doesn’t work, they can always fire up their base by saying any of the following things.

[Cut to lists of things they can say, the list – Hillary, Immigrants, Pelosi, Black Lives Matter, NFL, George Soros, Gay Frogs, Puerto Rico, Lady Ghostbusters, Male Nurses, MS-13, MS-14, UP-40, Diversity, Gender-neutral, Kaepernick, LeBron James, Catheter discomfort, Mexico, Obamacare, Starbucks cups, Maxine Waters, The Last Jedi, Barbie dolls with careers, Lena Dunham, Jeff Sessions for some reason] [Punk Rock music playing on back ground – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it. We’re not going to take it anymore.]

[List goes on after a small pause, the list – Black Panther, Black Santa, Brown Himilton, Vagina hats, “farm-to-table”, Fuel economy, Debra Messing, “Happy Holidays”, Michael Moore, Climate change, Mueller, They don’t tell you hit the quarterback anymore] [Punk Rock music playing on background – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it.]

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of the President Donald Trump top in the left top corner with a tag ‘TRUMP TAX SCHEME’] The New York Times uncovered that through out his life Donal Trump received a $413 million inheritance from his father, but Trump said what he was inherited was actually not that big. It was more toad stool sized. The New York Times also published a report accusing the Trump family of cheating the government out of $500 million in taxes. Personally, I think the IRS should just seize all the money the Trump family hid and gave it to Puerto Rico. Or better yet, they could make Trump’s biggest nightmare come true and let a bunch Puerto Ricans come live in his buildings.

Weekend Update: Amazon 4-Star: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are seated at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Amazon has opened a new store that only sells the company’s highest rated items called Amazon 4-Star. And there’s also a store that sells Amazon’s lowest rated items, called RadioShack.

MICHAEL CHE: A new exhibit has opened at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson, dedicated to the life of his slave, Sally Hemmings, who gave birth to six of his children. And you know they are his kids, because they all got that good hair.

COLIN JOST: A vintage airplane will soon be installed at JFK airport and turned into a cocktail lounge. While at Laguardia, it’s now boarding at Gate 32.

MICHAEL CHE: A man in North Dakota was arrested after he climbed into the holy water fountain at mass and started masturbating. Okay, but show me where exactly in the Bible it says you can’t do that.

 

Weekend Update: U.N.’s Climate Change Report: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. Well, guys, hi. [ He points to an image of Trump and Kanye shaking hands. ] This was pretty crazy. But look, it’s not the end of the world. Okay, because this is the end of the world. [ He points to an image of the world with the words ‘Catastrophic Climate Change by 2030. ] That’s right scientists basically published an obituary for the Earth this week. And people were like, but yeah, what does Taylor Swift think about it? We don’t really worry about climate change because it’s too overwhelming and we’re already in too deep. It’s like if you owe your bookie a $1000, you’re like, ‘I gotta pay this dude back.’ But if you owe you’re bookie a million dollars, you’re like, ‘I guess I’m just gonna die.’

MICHAEL CHE: This story’s been stressing me out all week. I just keep asking myself, ‘Why don’t I care about this?” I mean, don’t get me wrong. I 100% believe in climate change, but yet, I am willing to do absolutely nothing about it. I mean we are all gonna lose the planet. We should be sad, right. This whole episode should be a telethon or something, but it’s not. I think it’s because they keep telling us we’re going to lose everything and nobody cares about everything. People only care about some things. Like if Fox News reported that in 2030 climate change was gonna take away all the flags and Confederate statues, oh there would be recycling bins outside of every Cracker Barrell and Dick’s Sporting Goods. White dudes would learn how to recycle then. Black dudes already know how to recycle good. Every container in my apartment used to be something else. But you know how much more black people would care about the planet if you told us we were going to lose Atlanta in 10 years? Black dudes would put windmills on their rims. You want white women to care about the environment? Tell them that if they don’t do something about climate change, we’re gonna lose all the yarn. White women love yarn. No more hats, no more scarves. No more of those ridiculous socks you knit for your dog.

COLIN JOST: Yarn. In a new interview, Melania Trump changed her explanation for wearing the ‘I really don’t care do you?’ jacket, saying she did at as a message for the liberal media. Then what was the message behind your African safari look? Was it a warning not to play Jumanji? I mean just admit that it was tone deaf. I mean, at this point I’m surprised she didn’t show up to the Kavanaugh hearing dressed as the St. Pauli girl. A new report claims that Taylor Swift’s Instagram post endorsing mid-term candidates may have led to over 64,000 young people registering to vote. Which is impressive until you remember that Wendy’s got 6 million people to vote for, ‘Which burger can get it?’