Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update: Melissa Villaseñor’s Grammy Awards Picks | Season 44 Episode 12

Colin Jost,

Malissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night is the 61st Annual Grammy Awards, here to talk about who she thinks should win is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Cut to Malissa Villaseñor coming in dressed as Lady Gaga]

Malissa Villaseñor: Yeah, thank you, Colin.

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

You know, everyone has been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear my Grammy picks. Here we go.

Colin Jost: Okay, wait – hold on one second. Melissa, are dressed up as Lady Gaga?

Malissa Villaseñor: What? No, I just wore this for all my Melissa Monsters out there.

Colin Jost: All right. Sure, so let’s get started with the Grammy picks. Who is your choice for song of the year?

[Cut to Malissa]

Malissa Villaseñor: Oh, my god. I just heard this song for the first time this morning. It’s called “Shallow”. Have you heard it?

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: The Lady Gaga song? Yeah, I’ve heard it.

Malissa Villaseñor: That’s Gaga? Wow. So you have heard it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean pretty much everyone has heard it basically everyday for the past three months, yeah.

Malissa Villaseñor: Well, in case you haven’t heard it –-

Colin Jost: We have.

Malissa Villaseñor: It goes a little something like this –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world♪

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Yes, great. I know you’ve been trying to get your Lady Gaga impression on the show for a while now.

Malissa Villaseñor: How dare you. I’m not doing an impression. I am Melissa. And this is my famous Grammy preview.

Colin Jost: Okay, because you’re wearing a Lady Gaga wig.

Malissa Villaseñor: This isn’t a wig. I was born this way.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Is just makes it seem like you’re a little obsessed with Lady Gaga.

Malissa Villaseñor: So what Colin? When I heard this song for the first time this morning, I felt like I was –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Falling in all the good times I find myself
longing for change and in the bad times I fear myself♪

[Kyle Mooney comes in and sing’s Bradley Cooper’s part]

♪In the Shall la-la-la low
In the Shall la-la-la low♪

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

Colin Jost: Wait! That was Kyle’s whole part? That was it?

Malissa Villaseñor: Yes.

Colin Jost: This is great, but I don’t know we could afford the rights to perform “Shallow” on the show. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

Malissa Villaseñor: Hey.

♪Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired trying to fill that void.
[cut to Malissa and Colin]
or do you need more, ain’t it so hard keeping it so hardcore♪

Colin Jost: Well, sometimes yes.

Malissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪oh oh oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa
I’m off the deep end watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground♪

[Cut to Malissa and Colin]

Malissa Villaseñor: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone!

Weekend Update Trump Calls for End to Mueller Probe | Season 44 Episode 8

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael in the news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update”. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at the left top corner] Well, this week Robert Mueller released the teaser trailer for “Trump: End Game”[Picture changes to a picture of cover picture of a movie. It mimics “The Avengers End Game” movie] . Federal prosecutors said Friday that [Picture changes to Donald Trump on the left and Michael Cohen on the right] Michael Cohen committed two election-related crimes at the direction of a person identified as “Individual-1”. Now, we don’t know for sure who Individual-1 is. But let’s just say things are pretty tense right now over at Individual-1 tower.[Picture changes to a tower that says “Individual-1 Tower”, mimicking “Trump Tower”]

Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller Report [Picture changes to Trump’s tweet] “Collusion Illusion,” Which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted [Picture changes to another tweet by Trump] with no context or explanation—“Totally clears the President, Thank you.” Sounds like somebody has been reading “The Secret”. By the way I don’t blame Trump  for thinking that his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point if every single person you hire gets indicted, the odds are you have something to do with it. I mean [Picture changes to friends of Trump as elves] if all of Santa’s Elves and all of Santa’s Reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet [Picture changes to made up tweet by Santa] “Totally clear for Christmas, thank you”.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at the right tope corner] Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe which I got to admit, is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t want to go to jail and then find out you could have just called it off the whole time. The scariest thing about watching Trump be president is that he tries all the things that I would try. [The picture changes to a tweet by Donald Trump] President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major counter report to the Mueller report. Well you better hurry up, bud, because you only get one hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is out. It’s like watching “Cops” and as soon as they pull off the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, “Okay, first of all, she’s lying.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kelly on the left top corner] President Trump said that John Kelly, his Chief of Staff is leaving the position at the end of the year because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove [Picture changes to John Kelly with face palm] his palm to his face. [Picture changes to Trump at left and John Kelly at right] That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.

Trump also announced that he his Attorney General nominee will be [Picture of John Kelly changes to William Barr] William Barr who served as Attorney General from ’91 to ’93. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early ‘90s? What could go wrong! [Picture changes to Matthew Whitaker] Barr would replace Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as The Body Suit for Krang.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump] And memorial services for former president George H.W. Bush were held this week. Many observers said that president Trump looked bored. But I think he was just getting an idea. He  was thinking, “Wait, maybe before the whole Mueller report comes out, I should just fake my own death and escape to the last place anyone would ever look for me—[Picture changes to Donald Trump with Mexican hat and a mustache] Mexico.” And you know that Trump will be the first guy to ever fake his own death [Picture changes to made up tweet my Donald Trump that says “I’m dead. Sad!”] via tweet.

Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum | Season 44 Episode 8

Carrie Krum (Aidy Bryant)

[Starts with Michael in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s one of the busiest travel times of the year. So here with her holiday travel tips is seventh grade travel expert, Carrie Krum. [Carrie comes in] Hi, Carrie. So how are you liking your trip to New York?

Carrie Krum: Oh, I love it. Yeah, I mean I went to Time Square and I saw Spider Man and he gave me the finger.

Michael Che: Cool. So Carrie, what kind of destinations can you recommend for vacationers?

Carrie Krum: Oh, well, [Cut to Carrie] one of the absolute best global destinations has got to be Columbus, Ohio. Oh, yeah, you got cousins, you got aunts. And did you know that uncles can have ponytails too? But the best thing about Columbus is– [Cut to Michael and Carrie. Carrie is acting shy] Michael, Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: My cousin’s neighbors are boys.

Michael Che: Alright, Carrie, that sounds pretty specific to your family trips. Where can other people travel?

Carrie Krum: Um, try the Twin freaking Cities! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, where you’ll go to a farm and see a really big pig and your brother will tell you that’s where Ham comes from. And then you’ll sob because you love to eat ham.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Again, that feels like what you did in the Twin Cities. But what can everybody do?

Carrie Krum: Okay, well might I [Cut to Carrie] recommend staying at my aunt Nancy’s house? Because Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: Yes?

Carrie Krum: She’s bra-less on the couch! [Cut to Carrie] Yeah, overall pretty great trip. Except I will say for when I got spanked.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Oh, I’m sorry.

Carrie Krum: Oh, don’t be, Michael. I mean that’s what traveling is all about, you know, testing boundaries. [Cut to Carrie] Like in Dubuque, Iowa, where my parents were drinking daiquiris and they were laughing and I didn’t get it but when adults are laughing, I’m laughing right along with them.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Now that sounds like a very fun vacation.

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, Dubuque is a can’t miss. When I was there, [Cut to Carrie] my cousin Mitchell forgot his bathing suit, so he got to wear his underwear in the hot tub. And Michael, [Cut to Carrie and Michael. Carrie is acting shy.] Michael–

Michael Che: What?

Carrie Krum: You can kind of see his butt.

Michael Che: All right, well, have you ever been anywhere exotic?

Carrie Krum: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Carrie] Oh, duh, okay, once on a connecting flight from Phoenix to Denver, I got to go to the Atlanta airport. Okay, you want to talk exotic, I saw two indoor pigeons work together to carry a Bagel. That’s a Bonjour vacation.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Well, it sounds like you had a lot of awesome vacations. I mean, were there any places you didn’t like?

Carrie Krum: Yeah, Montana.

Michael Che: Montana? Why?

Carrie Krum: [Cut to Carrie] Because when I went to Montana, I fell on a bunch of rocks on my back.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Where?

Carrie Krum: On my back.

Michael Che: I mean where in Montana?

Carrie Krum: On the rocks! And it really hurt, [Cut to Carrie] so please don’t go there. The rocks are too hard and my back is too soft.

Michael Che: [Cut to Carrie and Michael] Okay. I won’t go there.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Michael, I’m sorry can we stop, because I got to go to the bathroom.

Michael Che:  Can’t you just wait until the end?

Carrie Krum: No, because Mumford & Sons gave me a bunch of Sierra mist.

Michael Che: Well, if you have to go then go.

Carrie Krum: Okay. Thank you, Michael. I love you, Michael.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum everybody.

Weekend Update SpaceX Launches Rocket with Cremated Remains | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin Jost in the news set. There’s a picture at left top corner of SpaceX]

Colin Jost: SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of a hundred people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of Earth]

Michael Che: Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. God bless these scientists and researchers that are still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office and they’re pleading with us, “Sir, you gotta  quit smoking”. “Kiss my ass, I like cigars.”

[Picture changes to Kevin Hart on Oscar stage] Well, that was short. Kevin Hart had to step down as host of the upcoming Academy Awards because of homophobic tweets from 2011. Didn’t the Academy nominate [Picture changes to Mel Gibson] Mel Gibson for an award just last year? [Picture changes back to Kevin Hart] Also, if Kevin– Thank you. I love when there’s a black lady in the audience. Also if Kevin Hart isn’t clean enough to host the Oscars, then no black comic is. The only black comic I know that’s cleaner than Kevin Hart is booked for the next three to ten years.

[Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ‘The Little Mermaid’]

Colin Jost: An Acapella Group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song “Kiss the Girl” from “Little Mermaid” after the student newspaper, said the lyrics promote toxic masculinity. Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like [Picture changes to a red crab from the cartoon Aerial] a Jamaican crab.

[Picture changes to bull fighting with China’s flag] A new version of bull fighting has started in China in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture at right top corner of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and British flag]

Michael Che: A British version of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s Englsnd, their penises will be tucked on the right side.

[Picture changes to map picture of Florida and a marijuana leaf] A man in Florida was arrested for selling marijuana, claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas Gifts for his children. Replied his children, “Just give us the weed dad”.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture at left top corner of ice pick]

A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. Hey, it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.

Weekend Update Michael Che on Bidets | Season 44 Episode 8

[Starts with Colin in his news set. There’s a picture of Tushy company’s product]

Colin Jost: New York city subway officials have rejected an ad from the company Tushy, which sells modern bidets saying the ads didn’t meet their decency standards on the subway. For more on this is—wait, Michael Che? [Michael comes in the set]

Michael Che: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Wait. Michael, wait. What are you doing?

Michael Che: An Update feature.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Michael Che: So this is “SNL”.

Colin Jost: Wait, Che, I told you this was a bad idea.

Michael Che: Thanks Colin. [Cut to Michael] So I think these subway ads are great. People need to know about bidets. I just got one and it changed my life. It’s glorious. Food tastes better. I can jump higher. I want children now. I’m a better person. You know, the first time I used it, I cried. And not even because I was emotional, because the water went so far up, it came out my eyes.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Oh, god. Dude—

Michael Che: I know, I must have set the pressure too high, man. That thing sprayed me like it was trying to remove graffiti.

Colin Jost: No one wants to hear about this.

Michael Che: Shut up, Colin, you white guy! It’s better when Leslie does it. [Cut to Michael] Look, this bidet is a game changer. Gone are the days of me penguin walking to the sink with my pants around my ankles trying to wet some tissues like a fool!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] You know they mare wipes.

Michael Che: Baby wipes? First of all, that’s terrible for the environment and you should be ashamed of yourself. Not to mention baby wipes just don’t work as well. [Cut to Michael] Using baby wipes are like eating chicken wing with a fork and a knife. But a bidet, that’s putting a whole drumstick in your mouth and pulling out a clean bone. [Cut to Michael and Colin] I’m whistling.

Colin Jost: That’s way too descriptive. Can you please, do you think these ads from bidets should be allowed on the Subway?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] I think they should only be on the subway! You know how miserable the subway is? That’s where people need a little splash of hope the most. Besides what better metaphor for a bidet than a whooshing train zipping through a dirty tunnel? [Cut to Michael and Colin]

Colin Jost: Did you need an entire feature for this?

Michael Che: Maybe.

Colin Jost: Are you done?

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael] No. Sometimes I put on propeller hat and then turn on the Bidet and try to make it spin on the top.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Michael and Colin] Michael Che, everyone.

Weekend Update: Trump’s Moscow Tower | Season 44 Episode 7

[Weekend Update intro playing]

Narrator: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of President Trump in the left top corner of the screen] This week Americans were hit with the stunning revelation that their president may have possibly lied to them. Trump’s former lawyer [Picture in the left top corner changes to Michael Cohen] Michael Cohen, who I believe is the love child of Cellino and Barnes, [picture in the top left corner changes to Cellino and Barnes] testified in court that Donald Trump [picture changes to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump] continued to work on a deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow well into his presidential campaign. [Picture changes to a screenshot of Trump’s tweet] Trump defended himself saying the deal was, “Very legal and very cool.” That sounds like a craigslist ad for Russian prostitutes. [Picture changes to craigslist ad for prostitues] Number one all-time babes, very legal, very cool, man and we never kill you, only sometimes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen in the right top corner of the screen with the tag “Weak Person”] President Trump attacked Michael Cohen for pleading guilty to lying to Congress, calling him a weak person. Oh, really, what gave that away, his chin? Doesn’t Donald Trump realize everybody he hires just ends up leaving him or getting fired or locked up? Oh, honey, it’s you. [Picture changes to President Trump] He picks counsel like my cousin Tasha picks baby fathers.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Saudi Crown Prince and Vladimir Putin in the left top corner of the screen] At this weekend’s G20 summit, President Vladimir Putin greeted Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman with a very enthusiastic high-five. [Cut to a video clip of Vladimir Putin giving Crown Prince a high five] Yeah, [Cut to Colin Jost] super cool. No one killed anyone. They looked like the video of  NASA scientists when they found out their probe landed on Mars. [Cut to a video clip of NASA scientists celebrating their success]

[Cut to Colin Jost] And then Putin greeted President Trump with as always, a violent sack tap. [Picture changes to President Putin and President Trump. President Trump leaning forward as if hit on the sack]

[Picture changes to a baby Trump balloon] And protesters at G20 summit flew a giant baby Trump balloon which in the past Trump had said makes him feel unwelcome. Well, yeah, I mean the balloon was never meant as a tribute. Also saying that balloon is being mean to me is a pretty clear sign of dementia. Worst, Trump also thought that the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade was calling him a [picture changes to big Garfield balloon] huge orange pussy.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Julian Assage and Paul Manafort in the right top corner] This week it was reported that Julian Assange, who dyes his face to match his hair, met with Paul Manafort in 2016. [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] Manafort denies the meeting ever took place, but I don’t know if trust a guy who looks like he bleeds cologne. Manafort looks like the kind of guy who tells his daughter’s friends, “You really filled out nicely.”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the First Lady Melania with many red Christmas trees behind her] First lady Melania Trump was mocked on social media for her white house Christmas display, which this year featured 40 red trees. And sure, those trees look like jagged teeth in the blazing hot mouth of Satan himself. But come on guys, Melania, she needs this. Her only thing is a campaign against bullying that has been used exclusively to bully her. It’s not like most Christmas decorations are super tasteful anyway. I mean if you’ve seen what people put on their lawns? Maybe you think the white house should be full of giant [red trees changes to minion balloons in the picture] inflatable minions? Or how about this lovely [minion balloons change to Santa in an outhouse] Santa in an outhouse. That’s real and cost $150? And also do you think Christmas displays would be better if Hillary had won? [picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton] I mean Bill would be doing the decorating. So that hallway would be just 100% leg lamps. [Picture to a hallway with giants lamps on really nice lady legs]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a map picture on the top right corner] American border agents fired tear gas and pepper spray on hundreds of migrants who tried to enter the country illegally through Tijuana. Giving migrants a fun preview of what it’s like to be a minority in America. [The picture changes to President Trump] Trump defended the border saying they used safe tear gas. Wait, there’s been safe tear gas this whole time? Boy, black people are going to be upset when they find out about this.

Weekend Update: Six-Foot-Tall Steer | Season 44 Episode 7

[Michael Che on the news set. There’s a picture of big steer between many cows on the right top corner]

Michael Che: An Australian Rancher said that a six-foot tall steer weighing over one ton is too big to go to the slaughterhouse. Yeah, me too, [Picture changes to three cows stacked upon each other wearing a coat] said three cows in a trench coat.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of gritty pupped on left top corner] Philadelphia flyers Mascot gritty helped light the Christmas tree outside Philadelphia’s city hall this week. Yeah! Yeah, Gritty was a last-minute replacement for Santa Claus, who was busy trying to escape from Gritty’s trunk. [Picture changes to Santa abducted by Gritty and kept in his trunk] [Picture changes to a logo of Starbucks and wi-fi symbol] Starbucks announced that starting in 2019 it will block pornography websites over its wi-fi. It’s a move they’re calling [Picture changes to Michael Che using a laptop in Starbucks] Che’s Law.

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: It’s a good law. [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of J.F.K airport on the top right corner] Officials at J.F.K. airport said that a suitcase containing more than 100 pounds of cocaine was left unclaimed at the luggage carousel. For reference, here’s what 100 pounds of cocaine look like. [Pictue changes to Steven Tyler]

[Picture changes to a map picture of Brazil]

Brazilian officials announced that deforestation in the country has reached it’s highest level in a decade. Worse, they’re only doing it because their boyfriend likes it that way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

It’s a waxing joke!

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin and Michael] Oh, thank you. I just got it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Phone and a woman smelling it on top left corner]

Researchers are developing a method to transmit smells through texts. So, yes, there is a way dick pics can get worse.

[Picture changes to Dunkin Donuts] Dunkin’ donuts is saying it’s customer rewards program may have been hacked because American runs on Duncan, but Duncan runs on [Picture changes to old desktop computer] windows 98.

Michael Che: [Cut to Colin and Michael] And on a serious note, Friday night former President George H.W. Bush passed away. He was 94 years old. Our thoughts and condolences go out to his family and friends.

Colin Jost: That’s right, President Bush was famously a warm and gracious man who always understood the power in being able to laugh at yourself.

Speaker 3: [Cut to George Bush impressionist] Thousand points of lights still operating. Coming in from all of those areas. Not gonna do it! Not GA DA.

George Bush: [Cut to George Bush] George Bush here. I’m watching you do your impression of me, and I got to say, it’s nothing like me. There’s no resemblance. It’s bad. It’s bad.

[Cut to George Bush on right side and his impressionist on left side]

Speaker 3: Well, I’m sorry, Mr. President, I think it’s a fair impression.

George Bush: Don’t see it.

Speaker 3: You don’t?

George Bush: It’s totally exaggerated, not me. Those crazy hand gestures, pointing thing. I don’t do’em. And also Na Go Da—never said it. In all my years of government service, I never once said Na, Ga, Da.

[Cut to George Bush’s picture]

[Cut to Colin and Michael]

Michael Che: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Economy | Season 44 Episode 7

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin: The economic issues facing our country are very complicated and hard to understand. Here to explain them is the so-called free-thinking economist. Please welcome Jules, who sees things a little differently.

[Jules slides in on his chair]

Jules: Wow, wow. Hi.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I’m already worried. So what is the big general overview of the economy right now?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Well, first of all, I just want to say that growing up, I wasn’t like other kids. Like if other kids were watching cartoons, I was like making hats. If that makes sense. So I guess I just—I don’t know, I see things a little differently.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] Okay. What about something like about the economy?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Okay, so you’re looking at the economy, like numbers, charts, buy, sell. Meanwhile, I’m looking at a baby, and I’m thinking that’s what we need, open eyes, skin so soft, no bones, just love Colin.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Babies have bones. Okay. What do you think about GM cutting almost 15,000 jobs? What does that mean for the auto industry?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] So, I don’t love taking like cars places. Because they’re just so like 1984 the book to me, like these were Orwellian machines, straight out of George Orwell if that makes sense.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] No, it does not. No.

Jules: So instead of driving a car, I like to like, [Cut to Jules] lay belly down on a long-board and use my arms the way a dolphin uses its fins. Sure, it takes longer. And yes, I’ve been hit by a couple of cars, but the thing about getting hit by a car Colin is that for just a moment I get to fly. [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin has his palm on his face] Oh, look, Colin, chills.

Colin: Can I just ask, what do you do for a living?

Jules: I don’t know. I like to play.

Colin:  Oh, so gross.

Jules: [Cut to Jules] I just see people going work like—ra, ra, ra! I need money to put a roof over my head. But if you have a roof over your head, how are you going to see the stars?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Dude!

Jules: And, yes, my dad [Cut to Jules] invented Oxycontin, and I get that makes a lot of money, but like we’re all just animals in people’s costumes, right?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I have never hated anyone this much.

Jules: I guess the way I think makes me [Cut to Jules] a little strange. I’m kind of like dreaming while I’m awake, [Cut to [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin pushes Jules away from the set slowly] while other people wait to go to sleep to dream. Meanwhile, me, I’m always dreaming because I see things just a little different Colin.

Colin: Jules, everyone.

Post Announces Sour Patch Kids Cereal – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[Colin Jost reporting the news. A picture of cereal in the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Post cereal has announced that they will be making a new sour patch kids’ flavored cereal. It’s a great way to start the morning off on the right foot because the left foot was taken by diabetes.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of globe focusing Ireland on the top right corner] Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim that they saw an unidentified flying object but keep in mind, Irish pilot is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer. [The picture on the top right changes to a breathalyzer] [The picture on the top right corner changes to chocolate] A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling ruby chocolates, and they’re gonna get sued because ruby chocolate is my drag name.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Walt Disney Park on the top left corner] Walt Disney World removed a man from the park as he waves a Trump 20-20 banner on splash mountain. The man also demanded to separate the ‘It’s a small world kids’ from their families. And ironically, the man had snuck into the park through Epcot’s Mexico pavilion.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of annual calendar for taxi drivers on the top right corner] The annual New York city taxi calendar has been released featuring pictures of topless cap drivers. A calendar of Uber drivers [The picture on the top right corner changes to a car window with ‘Uber’ tag inside] is available on the sex offender registry.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of two women sign on the top left corner.] A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns carrying their baby’s embryo in their wombs. It was a totally equal effort, said the one who didn’t have to give birth. [Michael Che laughs] [The picture on the top left corner changes to a picture of candies] British police are asking a woman who hid more than $300,000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter’s candy. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter is still trick-or-treating.

Amazon Opens New York Headquarters – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[News intro playing] It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael on a news set]

Michael Che: What’s up everyone?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture map marking Queens and Arlington on top right corner] Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities [The picture on top right corner changes to screenshot of Amazon shopping cart selling Queens and Arlington cities] in its cart. [The picture on top right corner changes New York city with ‘Question Deal’ tag] A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens, but I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s an Amazon picture on the top left corner] By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All of the cities who lost out must have been like, “Shut up you whiny bitches.” New York basically won the lottery, and we’re like, “Oh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.” Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, “Well back to the mines.”  I know it’s going to raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of ballot machine on the top right corner] Election officials in Florida said the ballot machine overheated causing mismatch results in the recount. Word, they overheated in 2018 with all this technology. I have a watch that can count every step I take and lets me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation, but your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never have these problems? I would love to hear, “We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.” They always make it so simple to pay taxes, meanwhile to vote we have to physically line up on a Tuesday in November like getting meat rations in the 1930s.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture map of Florida with LGBTQ flag on the top left corner] A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving. [The picture on the top left corner changes to Presiden Trump and baseball player Babe Rth] On Friday president trump held the presidential medal of freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth, because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of President Trump speaking with black men standing behind him on the top right corner] Because they’re all black. President Trump announced that republicans and democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way noting makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is, “Oh lord, how much they sell us for?” Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing and probably a trap. At best it’s a good thing but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crack head. I mean it might be a great deal, but at the same time you’re like, “So this dude stole clothes from a baby?”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Roger Stone on the top left corner] Great new report. Six days before the Wikileaks released half the emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Roger Stone who I believe runs a haunted carnival, received a text from a friend reading Hillary Clinton’s campaign will die this week, even though the actual moment her campaign died is when she said this- [Cut to Hillary Clinton speaking] “Pokemon Go to the polls!” [Cut to Colin and the picture on top left corner is of Hillary Clinton] I don’t know. Bet Trump is hoping she will Peek-A-Choose to run again.