Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Lonzo’s Year

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The NBA Playoff started today and one team that won’t be playing is the Los Angeles Lakers and their rookie Lonzo Ball. Here to comment is Lonzo’s outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in] [cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Alright. Okay. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m incredible. What a year for Lonzo.

Michael Che: I mean, he did fine.

LaVar Ball: Fine? Stop talking out your neck. My boy averaged 50 points a game.

Michael Che: No, he didn’t.

LaVar Ball: 100 assists. 500 touchdowns. And he was just certified 100% fresh by Rotten Tomatoes. Never lost.

Michael Che: Well, Lonzo actually averaged 10 points a game making him not even a best rookie on his own team. Kyle Kuzma averaged way more point than that.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t– don’t do me about no Kyle Kuzma. He just keeping that seed warm on that Laker bench until my other sons get there. LiAngelo, Lamelo and my long lost Mexican son, LaBibliya-teka.

Michael Che: Now, none of your sons are projected to be NBA draft picks.

LaVar Ball: Lies!

Michael Che: I also read that you started your own league for young players called The Junior Basketball Association?

LaVar Ball: You damn right! My own league. Only real ballers need apply. You think you got what it takes? Then bring your A game to tryout this week at the first Korean Baptist church at Temecula. Cuz the JBA will feature the future all stars of America.

Michael Che: Do you have any top high school players signed up?

LaVar Ball: Not a one. But we got some hot prospects. We got a kid who can drain buckets like you wouldn’t believe. He’s athletic. He’s quick. And he’s 51 years old and he’s my cousin. We also got a mailman wearing compression socks, a Dominican dishwasher in blue jeans, and just to keep things interesting, an unclaimed rottweiler running around all willy-nilly.

Michael Che: You’re hoping this league will be like the NBA?

LaVar Ball: Oh, man. It’s gonna be better than the NBA. Players in my JBA will live the big baller lifestyle. You’ll be taken around the country courtesy of pizza pan bus line, where you will stay at a hotel so super they named it A. Free cable. No NBO. Every room exits to the street. And a contenti-nental breakfast with up to three cereals fresh from the screw tap. Regular mini-wheats only. Never frosted. Never with the frost.

Michael Che: Starting a league is tough. What makes you think you’ll be successful?

LaVar Ball: Because I’m the best businessman in the world. I’m currently worth $1 brillion. Let me show you my latest venture, Michael. You got a pair of big baller Zo-To? Well, you don’t have the hottest shoe of the summer. Presenting the Zo-T-Bop. [LaVar Ball pulls out a pair of sandals] That’s right. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Oh, yeah.

LaVar Ball: Only $500 a pair. Light weight. Breathable. And with a back strap that will leave your heel raw as hell. Never enough bandaids. Never enough band to the aids.

Michael Che: Man, those are just sandals.

LaVar Ball: Man, you say tomato, I say this tomato costs $500. And these are more than shoes, Michael. Look at em’. The sole gets as hot as the Devil’s booty hole. You could fry egg on em’. As a matter of fact! [LaVar Ball pulls out another sandal to the pair. There’s a poached egg on it.] This one is ready, Michael! You want an egg?

Michael Che: Sure!

LaVar Ball: That will be $6,000.

Michael Che: No! LaVar Ball, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- LaVar Ball on Sons LaMelo and LiAngelo

Michael Che

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, 1.6 million people watched on Facebook as LaVar Ball’s sons LiAngelo and LaMelo made their debut for Basketball team at Lithuania. Here to comment is LaVar Ball.

[LaVar Ball slides in] [cheers and applause]

LaVar Ball: Yeah. Yeah. Triple B. How you doing, Michael? Me? I’m magnificent.

Michael Che: You’re in the good mood.

LaVar Ball: Why shouldn’t I be? I’m an internet sensation. I’m a multi-billionaire.

Michael Che: Alright. You’re not.

LaVar Ball: I own 16 Toyota Corollas. And I’m the only man in history to out pizza the hut. Never lost.

Michael Che: And you just got back from the Lithuania?

LaVar Ball: You damn right. I flew all the way. Business economy. Middle seat. One hotel room to share. The only hotel in Lithuania is in the back of the soup restaurant. Never not smell like cabbage. Never not a cabbage.

Michael Che: Never not the cabbage. So, just to be clear, you took 19 year old LiAngelo out of college and 16 year old LaMelo out of high school to play Eastern Europe basketball? I mean, were they okay with that?

LaVar Ball: Man, they living the dream, Michael. I told em’, “Pack up your things. We moving up. I’m taking you out of this dump called Los Angeles. And we’re going to pray new. Where the forecast is always a crisp, -2 degrees celsius. And a 100% chance of freezing rain. Never dry. Never dry.”

Michael Che: And you think the Lithuania league is good training to play in NBA?

LaVar Ball: Absolutely. I love the Lithuanian league. All white team mates. Nobody above 140 pounds.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

LaVar Ball: Vitamin deficiencies. Soft teeth. All layups. No dunks. Perfect training for the NBA. I love it. Every night the crowd of 61 people just goes wild. Cheering and waving wooden spoons in the air.

Michael Che: Alright. But, your Big Baller company has been having some problems lately. I saw you got an F from the Better Business Bureau.

LaVar Ball: [squeaky voice] Man, don’t you talking bout no Better Business F rating Bureau. I told my kids that F stands for phenomenal. And yes, my kids are home schooled. Never taught them.

Michael Che: You know, the word is you’re getting a lot of complaints from customers.

LaVar Ball: Well, that don’t matter. Coz I just launched a first Big Baller product in Lithuania. And it’s selling millions. Fresh from the wild streets of business. It’s called Beats by LaVar.

Michael Che: Oh! So, the headphones?

LaVar Ball: No, no. They’re just Beats from the ground with the roots still on. They so baller, they make your dookie redder than Santa Clause.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh, my god.

LaVar Ball: Order your’s today and it will arrive between one and 11 months.

Michael Che: LaVar Ball everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.