Tag: Olympics

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Beijing 2022 Olympics

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This weekend, NBC announced that it will not be sending any correspondence to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Here to Communist Chinese trade minister and games organizer, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in] [cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: Hmm, I’ve never been with a trade, daddy. Ayy! What’s up Che Diaz?

Michael Che: I told you, I don’t get that reference. So, how is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?

Chen Biao: Oh, we are pumped. Everyone loves the Winter Olympics. Sliding down snow, sliding down ice, gravity’s got a point and she is the moment.

Michael Che: Well, how does China feel about NBC not sending correspondence?

Chen Biao: Oh, we’re fine. Are you guys okay? NBC is announcing the games from their studios in Connecticut. You know what else films in Connecticut? Maury. Good luck commentating over cries if you are not the father? I mean, how are you going to describe the atmosphere in this stadium? Like, “The vibe is 2AM in Stanford?” Have fun walking home at that hour from Metro North, Grayson.

Michael Che: Who is Grayson?

Chen Biao: Probably some coked out finance guy trying to find his escort in the Wendy’s parking lot.

Michael Che: Anyway, journalists that are in Beijing say the city is completely locked down.

Chen Biao: Well, it’s just for COVID safety. And the protocols aren’t even that restrictive. It’s plane, COVID test, bus, another test, another test, speed skating, anal swab.

Michael Che: Anal swab?

Chen Biao: It’s accurate, and it’s fun.

Michael Che: Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Chen Biao: Burner phones? What is this? The Wire? Must be Season 2 because you’re white and no one cares.

Michael Che: Well, the biggest story is that several countries including the US are planning diplomatic boycotts over China’s human rights violations.

Chen Biao: Human rights. We don’t have that. [a cute picture of a baby pandd with Olympics logo on his belly appears] Plus, is this the face of a country that would violate human rights? Official games mascot Bing-Dwen-Dwen. As you can see, he’s a panda going to a rave. I don’t know, I designed him while I was on ketamine. He’s gonna try and hook up with Shawn white.

Michael Che: Great. So what do you have planned for the opening ceremony?

Chen Biao: Okay, well press release. I’m performing in it. The vibe is gonna be like, Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai Film meets Dave Chappelle stand up special.

Michael Che: How’s it gonna be like Dave Chappelle stand up special?

Chen Biao: There’s gonna be a lot of people protesting after.

Michael Che: Looks like you’re really making light of some serious issues.

Chen Biao: Okay, fine. You want me to get real? Look, we’re hosting the Winter Olympics because no one else stepped up. It’s our party and we’ll spy if we want to. The IOC chose China and y’all knew what you were getting into. So, now what? We’re in bed and you have posts-nut clarity? Whatever, flop. If you need me, I’ll be skiing the slopes in my Gaga House of Gucci ski goggles. Father, son, house of Daddy.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Weekend Update- Leslie Jones on the 2018 Winter Olympics

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Hilary Knight

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Winter Olympics ended this Sunday. Here to give her firsthand report is SNL’s number one Olympics fan, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in. He is wearing USA jersey.] [cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Wooo! What’s up? Yeah! How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m doing good, Leslie. So you actually went to Pyeongchang. How was Korea?

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god! It was so awesome! I am a 6 foot black woman. You think I stand out in America? Everybody in Korea was 4 foot 1. They either thought I was an athlete or a god. Some of them thought I was a transformer but transformer don’t eat Korean barbecue like that. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: So, you enjoyed the Winter Olympics?

Leslie Jones: Man, I loved it, Colin. And I didn’t think I would. Until this year, honestly, I wasn’t into the winter ones as much as the summer. But once I got to Korea, I fell in love with the events. I mean, I got to see Jamie Anderson out there riding the hash pipe. I mean–

Colin Jost: [interrupting] I think it’s actually–

Leslie Jones: [interrupting] You don’t know! Shut up! Shut up. You don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure its a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: I’m the expert.

Colin Jost: It’s a halfpipe.

Leslie Jones: Whatever.

Colin Jost: And you didn’t like the bobsledding?

Leslie Jones: Woo! Yes, lord. I sure loved the Bob Sledus. That’s a man! Whoo! Those thighs were so nice for my eyes. But it turned out that my favorite event was hockey. How come nobody told me about hockey? It’s violence on ice. They punching and checking bitches at 30 miles an hour. [shouts] And did you know they got this thing called the penalty box? They send you there after you chunk a bitch. Ha-ha-ha.

Let me tell you something. If I play hockey, they will call me Penalty Box Jones. Coz that’s where I will be the whole game. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American team is bringing in Penalty Box Jones. Oh, my god! Can she do that? She doesn’t even have on skates. Is that legal?” Colin, I love hockey.

Colin Jost: Great. That’s wonderful.

Leslie Jones: And the women are better than the men. That’s right. I said it. I said it. [audience whooping] They won the gold medal on a shootout. And this woman who did a straight pot lock move was like [doing the moves] clack, clack, clow, clow. I was like, “Yo! I didn’t know you can do that.”

Colin Jost: I did not think that you’ be a hockey fan. You know, we should go sometimes to a game.

Leslie Jones: [touching Colin’s shoulder] Oh, you like hockey snow muffin?

Colin Jost: I actually play a little bit of hockey growing up. Maybe I can teach you a couple of moves. You know?

Leslie Jones: [laughing] You is so white. And you shine pretty confident. I already got a friend who said she’d give me a few pointers. Ay, Hillary.

[Hilary Knight slides in. She is wearing her hockey jersey and a gold medal.] [cheers and applause]

Yes, Colin! This is Hilary Knight. She just won the gold medal for the US women’s hockey team. [cheers and applause] Yes!

Colin Jost: Hi, Hillary. Contratulations.

Hilary Knight: Thank you. Um, I heard you played hockey growing up and you’re gonna show some moves.

[Leslie Jones is putting her ear near Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: What? I– Well, I mean I played recreational. I don’t think I could teach you anything.

Hilary Knight: I’d love to see something.

Leslie Jones: Oh! I would love to see you try. I’d love to see you try. Ha-ha-ha-ha. So, don’t be talking about how you gonna teach me something. I got friends who are gold medal Olympians.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Get it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I got it.

Leslie Jones: Do you, Colin? Do you got it? Do you got it?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think I got it.

Leslie Jones: Um, let me ask you a question. Uh, Hillary, do this with me.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run the world?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: That’s right.

Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones: Who run this mother?

Colin Jost: Girls.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. Hillary, tell Colin what I told you to tell him.

Hilary Knight: Colin, you’s a bitch!

[Leslie Jones laughing hard] [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: [to audience] Why would you clap? Hilary Knight and Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: We got all your medals, y’all. Yes!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.