Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong
Bruce Schroeder… Mikey Day
Sandara Cummings… Chloe Fineman
Samuel Fields… Chris Redd
Kevin McCarthy… Alex Moffat
Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson
[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set.]Jeanine Pirro: Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro. And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now. On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges. That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial just for doing the bravest thing any American can do, protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town. Now, on to our first guest. He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone. Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.
Bruce Schroeder: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.
Jeanine Pirro: Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise. You may remember that I was in charge of investigating Robert Durst for murder back in 83. Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him. Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.
Bruce Schroeder: Well, it was all standard procedure. That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims. They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked! But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.
Jeanine Pirro: You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?
Bruce Schroeder: Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.
Jeanine Pirro: Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming. Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive. And you know how much we love liberal tears around here. So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight. Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings, and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.
Sandara Cummings: We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.
Jeanine Pirro: And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb. Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?
Sandara Cummings: Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges? That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.
Samuel Fields: You were? Because I wasn’t.
Sandara Cummings: I’ve never seen anything like it before.
Samuel Fields: I have. Many, many times.
Sandara Cummings: I mean, this is not who we are.
Samuel Fields: I feel like it kinda is though.
Sandara Cummings: And all this does is send the message that any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.
Samuel Fields: Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there.
Sandara Cummings: All we can hope for is that at this point is that this will be a call to finally change the system.
Samuel Fields: And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.
Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty. [the mug has ‘Liberal Tears’ written on it] So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note, Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade against the build back better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.
[Cut to Kevin McCarthy speaking]Kevin McCarthy: The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls] Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again. Excuse me. Flip it around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again] Okay. I could do it before.
Jeanine Pirro: And that brave man stops the build back better bill from being passed u…ntil the next day when it passed in two minutes. Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing? Getting socialized Buck play paid for by your tax dollars. Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill. But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done? Please welcome [pointing at herself] this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.
Donald Trump: Thank you very much, Jadice. Wonderful to be here.
Jeanine Pirro Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill. So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.
Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me. And meople are saying… and you know what? Meple of course are people who are me. They’re saying I built it back even… You know what? I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall. It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field, frankly, that’s road. And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.
Jeanine Pirro: Wow. I imagining.
Donald Trump: You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please? Because this bill is… You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster. We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay? Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay. Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly. But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters. Speaking of Girl, why did that– Why did they reboot Gossip Girl? Why the hell? You simply can’t match. You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf. You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes… You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.
Jeanine Pirro: [crushing over Donald Trump] Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.
Donald Trump: Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what? Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search? I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what? I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris? I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what? We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know? Boy, Chris wasn’t even the main interview. He had to sit on the panel with all the other dogs and watch bill do the new rules. And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best. Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what? Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what? It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive. We have to do something about it. She’s tall. She’s Albanian which is basically white. And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.
Jeanine Pirro: Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night. ladies and gentlemen thank you very much.