Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 1

76a: Lily Tomlin / James Taylor

Debate ’76

Ruth Clusen…..Lily Tomlin
President Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Tommie Bell…..Tom Davis
Liz Montgomery…..Jame Curtin
Tom Burke…..John Belushi
Earl Roland…..Garrett Morris

Announcer: Debate ’76. The three national networks join in broadcasting this special historic television event. Sponsored by the League of Women Voters. And now, here’s the moderator for tonight, Ruth Clusen.

Ruth Clusen: Good evening, this is Ruth Clusen of the League of Women Voters. Welcome to the first of three televised presidential debates between the Republican nominee, Gerald R. Ford…

[ Ford stumbles to his podium ]

…and his challenger, Governor Jimmy Carter of Georgia, the Democratic nominee for President.

[ Carter appears at his podium and holds out a hand for Ford, who is busy primping himself. Once Carter withdraws, Ford suddenly turns to offer his hand and is dumbfounded that Carter is not paying attention to him. ]

Ruth Clusen: This first debate will be limited to a discussion of domestic issues, so let me introduce the three journalists who will be asking the questions: Liz
Now, at the request of President Ford, Mr. Tommie Bell, the senior linesman of the National Football League, will toss the coin to determine who will be asked the first question.

[ Tommie Bell, dressed in his linesman uniform appears ]

Tommie Bell: Call it! [ he tosses the coin ]

President Gerald R. Ford: I’ll take the side with the head on it.

Tommie Bell: Heads it is! The President will receive! [ he blows his whistle ]

Ruth Clusen: All right. Thank you, Mr. Bell. Ms. Montgomery?

Liz Montgomery: Mr. President, Governor Carter has accused you of hiding in the White House instead of going out and meeting the people. How do you answer this charge?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well now, Ms. Bankgomery… Ms. Mankgomery… Ms. Montgomery. This is, of course, a ridiculous misnomer. I, of course, was not hiding. I was simply lost for a bit… and the Secret Service recovered me, and now everything is just fine. Thank you.

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Burke, a question for Mr. Carter.

Tom Burke: Governor Carter, your son Chip has admitted to smoking marijuana. What is your attitude on the decriminalization of marijuana?

Jimmy Carter: Mr. Burke, as much as I love my son Chip, if I were to come upon him smoking marijuana, I would have to have him arrested. I would, however, grant him an executive pardon, but not until he had gone through the due process of the laws so that all of the questions could be answered to the American people. Now, um, this would be a pardon, not an amnesty. Amnesty would be condoning the smoking of marijuana, whereas this would just be forgiving him for using it.

Ruth Clusen: Mr. President, rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Oh, no, thank you, I’ve just had dinner.

Ruth Clusen: Sir. Sir. Sir, it is your turn to rebut on the answer that Mr. Carter has given about his son’s smoking dope.

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, now, I see no reason for name-calling here. I doubt very much that Mr. Carter’s son is dumber than my own son. I hesitate to call my son, Susan, a dope, so…

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Roland, any questions?

Earl Roland: Yeah, uh — which one of these guys is Ford?

Ruth Clusen: Ms. Montgomery?

Liz Montgomery: Governor Carter, you turned that question about marijuana around so that you could talk about pardons. Are you perhaps hoping to make some political gains by recalling the dirty laundry of Watergate?

Jimmy Carter: Um, no. No. Certainly, I could not benefit by reminding the American people that they were forever denied the full truth in the UGLIEST scandal in our nation’s history, when President Gerald R. Ford pardoned the first president ever to resign in disgrace, Richard M. Nixon. No, no, my friends, I’m not going to belabor the fact that Mr. Ford was appointed — not elected, but appointed — by the most corrupt president in the history of this great — [ buzzer sounds ]

Ruth Clusen: Governor, you have ten seconds to wrap this up.

Jimmy Carter: Well, I’d say no, Watergate, W-A-T-E-R-G-A-T-E, Watergate has no place in these debates!

Ruth Clusen: President Ford, you have two minutes to rebut.

President Gerald R. Ford: [ fumbling with his papers ] Yes, I would have to go along with Governor Carter on that. I see no reason to bring Watergate into this, and I would keep Watergate out of these, and not remind people of that.

Ruth Clusen: Next question. Mr. Roland.

Earl Roland: Uh, yeah — uh, Mr. Ford, uh — how do you and Mr. Carter differ on abortion… man?

President Gerald R. Ford: Of course, Mr. Ray-land… this is a very delicate and controversial subject — uh, issue — for the American people, and I have given a great deal of long, hard thought to this… both sides of what I think may well be the most sensitive issue in the campaign. [ a beat ] What was the question?

Earl Roland: Abortion, man!

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, as you know, I support a constitutional amendment allowing the states to decide their own abortion laws, Mr. Roland. This would allow a woman who wishes to have an abortion to move to another state — [ buzzer sounds ] Excuse me. [ he loks behind his back ]

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Carter. Rebuttal?

Jimmy Carter: Um, I think my stance on the abortion issue is perfectly ambiguous and ill-defined. I see no reason to elaborate any further.

Ruth Clusen: Ms. Montgomery, a question on economics?

Liz Montgomery: Yes. Mr. President, you said that the Humphrey-Hawkins bill will cost a possible sixty billion dollars. But isn’t it true that the jobs provided by the bill will create up to a hundred and fifty billion dollars in increased production — using Walter Heller’s figure that for every one percent unemployed, there is a resulting thirty-seven billion dollar loss in GNP. Now, at hte present rate of taxation on GNP of thirty-nine percent, doesn’t this come to about the same sixty billion dollars in increased revenue?

President Gerald R. Ford: [ sweating ] It was my understanding that there would be no math… during the debates. Now, I — I am prepared to answer any domestic, uh — questions. Perhaps you would like to know something about me and Betty? [ buzzer sounds ] Excuse me again, my fellow Americans.

Ruth Clusen: Mr. Burke?

Tom Burke: Thank you. Governor Carter, the President has accused you of flip-flopping on the issues. How do you feel about that?

Jimmy Carter: Uh-huh. I — I’ve never flip-flopped on any issues.

Tom Burke: Mr. Carter, uh, how about the Kelly matter? ne minute you said you, uh, would’ve fired him, and, the next, you said you may keep him on as the head of the FBI, if you became President.

Jimmy Carter: Uh, well… I believe, I believe you’re right there. I-I did flip-flop on that, uh, and I apologize for saying it. I’ve never flip-flopped on any issue, but this is the only time that I’ve ever flip-flopped.

Tom Burke: Well, what about the grain embargo, in which one minute you said you would impose a grain embargo, then you would never impose a grain embargo. And then, later, you said you would impose one in case of a national emergency. Isn’t that correct?

Jimmy Carter: Um — I-I-I believe you’re right again, Mr. Burke. I did flip-flop on that, and I apologize for saying that my only flip-flop was on the Kelly matter. Uh, but, uh… I-I’m flip-flopping this very moment on the issue of flip-flopping! And, uh, I honestly believe that, uh, by apologizing as quickly as I am right now, I’m saving myself the embarrassment that normally accompanies flip-flopping. [ buzzer sounds ]

Ruth Clusen: Mr. President, rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Yes. Let me just get some, uh, get some water — [ he reaches for the water pitcher, but dangles his microphone in the process, then lifts the pitcher to clumsily spill water everywhere ]

Jimmy Carter: Um — um, I think… I think there’s a, uh, certain technique involved here…

President Gerald R. Ford: Sorry.

Jimmy Carter: Mr. President…

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, clearly there aren’t any glasses, Governor.

Jimmy Carter: That’s just you…

[ Ford leans forward on his podium, until it begins to lurch over ]

Jimmy Carter: Look here, uh…

[ Ford’s podium crashes to the floor, as he tumbles over it ]

President Gerald R. Ford: No problem here!

[ Carter steps forward to assist Ford, but tumbles right on top of him ]

Ruth Clusen: Gentlemen… gentlemen… uh… [ she stands to address the audience ] Apparently, the President and Mr. Carter are, are, are unable to continue. Uh, please join us in two weeks for the second part of the Ford-Carter debate. Good night, and thank you.

[ credits scroll: “FORD-CARTER DEBATES SPONSORED BY The League of Women Voters, Mamie Eisenhower, Honorary Chairperson” ]

Announcer: Half of our contestants have been flown here by Georgia Airlines. The other half were flown by United States Government. The United States Government, makers of fine weapon control for thirty years. The League of Women’s Voters wardrobe furnished by Mr. Gerl. Stay tuned for “Chico and Son”.

[ further credits scroll includes:

“PRESIDENT FORD ASSISTED TO THE STAGE BY Tony Orlando”

“PRESIDENT FORD’S WARDROBE BY MISTAKE”

“COFFEE PROVIDED BY Joe DiMaggio”

“SPECIAL CUSHIONING FOR DOORWAYS AND STAIRS FROM AIR FORCE 1 INTO THEATRE By Foam Rubber City, Inc.”

“COIN FOR COIN TOSS PROVIDED BY UNITED STATES TREASURY — USE MONEY TODAY!” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


September 18th, 1976

Lily Tomlin

James Taylor

The Muppets

Taylor Mead

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Alan Zweibel

Michael O’Donoghue

Paul Shaffer
Lily’s ArrivalSummary: The cast waits for Lily Tomlin to arrive at Studio 8-H. She finally shows up with her entourage in tow and no intention of rehearsing for the show.

Montage

Lily Tomlin’s MonologueSummary: When the cameras go off, the audience sees how Lily Tomlin really feels about the show.

First Hosted: 75f.

Debate ’76Summary: President Ford (Chevy Chase) and Governor Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) cover strange ground during their first debate.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter.

Note: Chevy Chase actually injures himself in the groin while falling over the podium. He will miss the next two shows while recovering from his injury.

Transcript

James Taylor performs “Shower The People”Bio: James Taylor (1948-). Singer/songwriter; married fellow singer/songwriter Carly Simon in 1972.

Also Performed: 78r, 79n, 87i, 91i, 93f.

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Laraine Newman reports from an outbreak of Foreign Legionnaire’s Disease at the Blaine Hotel. Emily Litella phones Chevy Chase to inquire about five “crustaceans” that hijacked an airplane.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

The Phone CompanySummary: Telephone operator Ernestine (Lily Tomlin) says that the Phone Company doesn’t have to care about its consumers.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: In the final Muppets piece, the Muppets wake up in a morgue-like atmosphere, surprised that they didn’t officially make it to the second season. Lily Tomlin wanders downstairs to visit them and perform a final song.

James Taylor performs “Road Runner”

Tess & The SalesmanSummary: Christmas-loving Tess DiSenzo (Lily Tomlin) chats with real estate salesman Ralph Hopkins (Garrett Morris).

James Taylor performs “Sweet Baby James”

We Asked Judith BeasleySummary: Dan Aykroyd encourages housewife Judith Beasley (Lily Tomlin) to perform a series of crazy stunts around town.

Women In LiteratureSummary: Elna Sullivan’s (Laraine Newman) journal entries are devoid of depth.

Gary Weis FilmSummary: “Television Viewer” is Gary Weis’ premiere film for the new season, and it features writer/performer Taylor Mead’s thoughts on his neverending viewing of television programming.

First Appeared: 75n.

The Antler DanceSummary: Lily Tomlin and Payl Shaffer and the SNL Band lead the audience in a wild performance of “The Antler Dance”.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: 1976-1977




The Complete Second Season on DVD

Starring:

Dan Aykroyd

John Belushi

Chevy Chase (last: 10/30/75)

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Bill Murray (first: 01/15/76)

Laraine Newman

Gilda Radner

Written by:

Dan Aykroyd

Anne Beatts

John Belushi

Chevy Chase

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Al Franken

Bruce McCall

Lorne Michaels

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Bill Murray

Michael O’Donoghue

Herb Sargent

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Episodes

09/18/76: Lily Tomlin / James Taylor

09/25/76: Norman Lear / Boz Scaggs

10/02/76: Eric Idle / Joe Cocker, Stuff

10/16/76: Karen Black / John Prine

10/23/76: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

10/30/76: Buck Henry / The Band

11/13/76: Dick Cavett / Ry Cooder

11/20/76: Paul Simon / George Harrison

11/27/76: Jodie Foster / Brian Wilson

12/11/76: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

01/15/77: Ralph Nader / George Benson

01/22/77: Ruth Gordon / Chuck Berry

01/29/77: Fran Tarkenton / Leo Sayer, Donny Harper Singers

02/20/77: Mardi Gras Special

02/26/77: Steve Martin / The Kinks

03/12/77: Sissy Spacek / Richard Baskin

03/19/77: Broderick Crawford / Levon Helm, Dr. John, The Meters

03/26/77: Jack Burns / Santana

04/09/77: Julian Bond / Tom Waits, Brick

04/16/77: Elliott Gould / Kate & Anna McGarrigle, Roslyn Kind

04/23/77: Eric Idle / Alan Price, Neil Innes

05/14/77: Shelley Duvall / Joan Armatrading

05/21/77: Buck Henry / Jennifer Warnes, Kenny Vance

Summary   “NBC’s Saturday Night” beats the competition – namely, ABC’s “Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell”. Cosell’s comedy/variety show was cancelled by ABC, enabling NBC to retain the name for their comedy variety show. The show was shortened to just “Saturday Night” at the beginning of its sophomore season, but finally became “Saturday Night Live” towards the end of the season. They also gained custody of Bill Murray from Cosell’s show, a much-needed performer after “Weekend Update” anchorman Chevy Chase left the show to pursue a girl (and possibly a movie career) in California.

   One trivia note: a young, white-haired arrow-through-his-head comedian named Steve Martin made his hosting debut on this season’s fifth episode, catapulting him to stardom, guest-hosting stints on “The Tonight Show” and endless, corny movies. But, despite popular belief, he was never an actual cast member.

   Perhaps the biggest event of the season (literally, as part of NBC’s “Big Event” Sunday) occurred in the form of “SNL”‘s first prime-time special, performed live from New Orleans during Mardi Gras. Although the mobile broadcast was a disaster of epic proportions, it would not be the last time that “SNL” was broadcast outside of its Saturday night timeslot (thankfully, from its own studio where the unexpected could be better controlled).

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with Don Pardo. Don Pardo, the official announcer of the 1976 Olympic Games.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Well, I don’t know. As far as anyone around here can tell, he’s just a washed-up game show announcer, I don’t know. He was an alcoholic for a while, a drug addict, a lot of misplaced rage and anger, and, you know, I think he just wants to be on camera. [ looks up ] I gotta go! [ hangs up phone ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase, and you’re not!

Announcer: [ miffed ] Nobody wants to be, Chubby!

Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight: Olga Korbut began the long, hard trek to the 1980 Olympic Games, after having suffered a humiliating defeat last week. Her first steps in the healing process will include hypnosis to improve her concentration, isometrics to improve muscle tone, and the mistaken shooting of Nadia Comenechi(?) to improve her chances.

President Ford arrived at the Olympic Stadium earlier today to meet with and congratulate the many American gold medalists. Not surprisingly, none of the athletes were in Munich. Said the bewildered Chief of State: “Congratulations to all of you. Where are you?”

Well, it has been exactly a year and a day since ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa vanished. In commemoration, today, current Teamster President Frank Fitzsimmons once again mourned the disappearance of his longtime associate by placing a single candle in a cake of cement, and repeating that he felt Hoffa would always be a cornerstone in the organization.

For the first time ever, a Black man has won the Bob Hope Golf Classic. Quipped the victor: “I used to be a caddy, and now I drive one!” Tournament sponsor, Bob Hope himelf, is shown here lining up his putts.

Ronald Reagan announced today that he has more than the 1130 delegates needed to win the Republican Presidential nominaton. However, Reagan conceded that President Ford may also have more than enough delegates to be nominated. Reagan warned that having two nominees could hurt the Republicans in November.

Regan picked his choice of a vice-presidential running mate this week, and, in a surprise move that may hurt his chances in the coming convention, Reagan has told newsmen that Sen. Richard Schweiker of Pennsylvania will broaden his constituency and improve his knowledge of foreign affairs. Asked what his current assessment of our foreign policy is, Schweiker said: “The world is becoming a closer place, and Brute is a part of it.”

Well, the big story from Mars this week was the repair of the needle pin in the Viking I scoop, which made it possible to gather soil from the planet’s surface and conduct tests to see if life can exist there. On Wednesday, the scoop was extended, and, while analysis of the soil is still not complete, scienstists are almost certain that life cannot and has never existed on Mars. [ tin can scoops up some dirt near an old shoe ]

The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he wants to spend mroe time with his family; Tommy says he will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Chevy Chase: Still to Come: Jack Ford campaigns for his dad in Cheyenne. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Talk Country ]

[ dissolve back to Weekend Update news desk ]

Chevy Chase: Well, in Montreal tonight, the excitement once again mounts as finalists in the Boxing, Marathon, Equestrian, and Hurdles.

[ Chevy stares blankly at the incomplete news sheet, then chucks it aside ]

This bulletin about the Viking aircraft just in from correspondent Laraine Newman, reporting live from NASA. Come in, Laraine.

[ cut to Laraine Newman, dressed in a bikini and standing before a palm tree on some lush tropical isle ]

Laraine Newman: The air is clear, the sky is blue, and the waves… the breeze is wafting, Chevy. The sun is quite hot. I’ve been out for only fifteen minutes, and already I’ve got a difference. The temperature here is somewhere above 80, the humidity is high, and, except for the people who live here, almost everyone is on the American Plan. Uh, the food here is really good, Chevy —

Chevy Chase: Laraine?

Laraine Newman: Yes?

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Laraine? Can you hear me?

Laraine Newman: Yes, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: Uh, Laraine — aren’t you supposed to be in NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration?

Laraine Newman: [ smiles ] That’s right, Chevy!

Chevy Chase: And, Laraine, aren’t you, in fact, in Nassau?

Laraine Newman: [ looks around dumbly ] You’re absolutely right, Chevy. [ a beat ] Will I have to pay for this?

[ cut back to Chevy at the desk ]

Chevy Chase: Correspondent Laraine Newman, paying for her own vacation in Nassau.

Spiro T. Agnew, under new attack for criticism of Israel, denied yesterday that he is Anti-Sematic(?). In a statement to the press, Agnew was quoted as saying: “I don’t judge a man according to his religious beliefs; I judge him according to the length of his nose.”

The former Vice-President went on to say: “All these allegations are pure nonsense — some of my best friends are Christ-killers.”

A tragedy at the Olympics: high jump champion Dwight Stone of Huntington Beach, California, became caught between the crossbars during the second heat of the event. The apparatus and Stone were taken to a nearby hospital, where he was safely removed from the bars with scissors and a blowtorch.

And our final story tonight took place today in Montreal, where Generalissimo Franicsco Franco scored a perfect 10 out of 10 in cadaver diving. It’s a relatively new sport in the Olympic competition. The former ruler of Spain, now known as El Cadaver, scored an upset over Daniel Gearhart, an ex-mercenary who was considered to be the favorite until he lost points for his execution.

Chevy Chase: Now for those of our viewers who may be growing tired of “Weekend Update”, I will not repeat tonight’s top story. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

I Was Not A Sucker For Saturday Night

Sherry Norwalk…..Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on Sherry sitting on the edge of a desk and smiling coyly. She is wearing a black leather gown covered with silver spikes and slit down the middle to reveal her entire cleavage.]

Sherry: [looking off camera] Thank you, Mr. Kristofferson. [to camera] Hellooo. My name is Sherry Norwalk. And I got special permission from the FCC–that’s the Federal Communications Club–to come on television and tell my story. [plays with her hair] Okay, last October I went up to the “Saturday Night” offices ‘cause I think the show is really boss, and I wanted tickets. Well, they were out of tickets, but as I was leaving, Dave Wilson, the director, said I had a bitchin’ bod, and would I like to come and spend the weekend with him up in Parsippany, New Jersey, ‘cause his wife was dead? So I went up, and it was really great and everything, except his wife wasn’t really dead, she’d just gone shopping! God-created people can be SOOOOOO forgetful. Anyways, I got this phone call from the show the next day, and they said that Dave had recommended me for a job as a secretary for fourteen thousand, four hundred dollars a year!

[laughter]

Sherry: And they didn’t even mind that I couldn’t type, or file, or do shorthand. [pauses] So, they told me I was gonna do light secretarial work, and maybe help the writers out, if I could sometimes. And I did that. Like Alan Zweibel, he’s this big Jewish writer? Well, he was really weird, man. He made me feel really guilty about the way his people suffered in Egypt? [laughter] So he’d get undressed, and have me sing “Go Down Moses.”

[riotous laughter]

Sherry: It got stranger, man, I’m not kidding. Like did you know some comedy writers don’t like to work a-a-in the office, they work at home and at night? And they don’t write things DOWN, they act ‘em out first! Like Tom Schiller asked me to act out a scene with him in his apartment. Then he called two other writers, Tom Davis and Al Franken? And–’cause he said he was having trouble with his inspiration. [raises finger in air] Sooo, they came over, and we all acted out this scene, except it wasn’t in the show. [makes a quizzical face] Which I thought was really weird, and after a while, it got even MORE disgusting. Like Michael O’Donoghue? He just COULDN’T finish writing the “Star Trek” skit unless I kept whispering to him the words, “Rocket ships are okay, but your muscle is tremendous.” [laughter] It was really disgusting.

[Sherry holds up a white audio cassette case.]

Sherry: And then there was Herb Sargent. He’s this older writer with white hair, and he was really like a father figure. A really strict father. Like, you know, he used to take his belt and tie me up and spank me! And I didn’t even do anything WRONG!

[She puts down the cassette and picks up a thick hardcover book.]

Sherry: Anyways, that’s why I’ve written this book. It’s called, “I Was Not a Sucker for Saturday Night.”

[Audience laughs as she holds up the book with the title on the front.]

Sherry: ‘Cause a really think the public has a right to know.

[phone rings]

Sherry: Saturday Night? Yes, okay, I’ll be right up.

[hangs up]

Sherry: I have to help Chevy write Update.

[She slides off the desk and walks behind it, revealing her bare back to the camera.]

Sherry: Okay, let’s see, pad, pencil…

[She picks up a pad and pencil from the desk and then steps over toward a large floor-model vacuum cleaner.]

Sherry: [with dismay] And apparatus.

[She picks up the vacuum cleaner and slings the hose over her shoulder. A feather duster is sticking out of it.]

Sherry: It’s really disgusting.

[She exits stage left over applause. FADE to a young blonde woman in the studio audience and SUPERIMPOSE, “SURVIVOR OF OFFICE SNUFF PARTY.” The caption flickers badly, and she peers into the monitor to try and read it. ZOOM OUT as she turns to her companion and covers her face in embarrassment.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Police State

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Narrator…..Michael O’Donoghue
Aramis McCord…..Chevy Chase
Kevin Brut…..Dan Aykroyd
Cooperative Man…..John Belushi
Black Man…..Garrett Morris

[Two uniformed officers in a police station lockerroom. One shuts his locker and turns to his partnerwho sits nearby, tying his shoes:]

Aramis McCord: Hey, Ace, what say we eat Chinesetonight?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, partner. Seems to me, uh, weate Chinese a couple o’ nights ago.

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Chinese. That wasPolynesian.

Kevin Brut: [rises] Same difference, pal, samedifference.

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers tense up and lookoff-camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code five. Let’s roll!

[With a weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve to afilmed insert of a city street using a rapidly panningcamera that blurs the image. Funky 1970s-style copshow music plays. A police siren wails.]

Narrator: Los Angeles, California, 1976 — a prettytough town. Remember all those people you saw lockedup on “Dragnet”? Well, they’re out now — every one ofthem. They’re out and it takes a new breed of cop tohandle them.

[Dissolve to an aerial view of L.A. — it’s atoy-sized model.]

Narrator: This is the story of that new breed: “PoliceState”!

[Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. A superimpositionreads: POLICE STATE as Matchbox cars and other tinyvehicles are occasionally thrown into the model set.The two police officers seen earlier are shown insetover the model city. They style their hair and try tolook super-cool. The narrator’s words are superimposedas he speaks them:]

Narrator: Starring Kevin Brut … and Aramis McCord.With Jeremy Musk as Captain Dan Hatchback. This week’sepisode: “If He Hollers” …

[Dissolve to the two cops standing outside a closedapartment door. Kevin Brut knocks. The door opens, thecops reach for their guns. A cooperative man appearsin the doorway.]

Cooperative Man: Yes?

Aramis McCord: Like a word with you, sir.

Cooperative Man: Sure thing.

[The cops immediately fire four noisy shots at thesuspect, killing him instantly. They make sure he’sdead, then holster their weapons and confer. McCordputs a hand on Brut’s shoulder.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, babe, how ’bout Italian? Nah, how’bout Indian? You wanna eat Indian? Have a littlechicken curry, what do ya say?

Kevin Brut: I don’t know, bro’. That stuff alwaysupsets my stomach. You know.

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Greek? We could eat Greek. Wecould have some lamb shish-ka-bob. Now, that won’tupset your stomach.

Kevin Brut: Well …

[A loud BEEPING noise. The officers look off camera.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code eleven-fourteen. Let’s …roll!

[With their weird cat-like move they exit. Dissolve tothe filmed insert of a city street using the rapidlypanning camera that blurs the image. Funky thememusic. Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city.Sound effects of cars crashing, tires screeching,horns honking and general mayhem. More Matchboxvehicles are hurled into the model set cluttering itwith a huge pile-up. Dissolve briefly to the blurredcity streets and then to a small room in which abearded man stands quietly with his arms raised,apparently having just hung a painting on the wall.The two cops burst in, guns drawn.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Hold it right there!

[The cops immediately fire two shots and kill the maninstantly. The cops stand over the dead body, keepingtheir guns pointed at it.]

Kevin Brut: Okay! Freeze! [to the corpse] You have theright to remain silent. You have the right to anattorney and to have that attorney present duringquestioning. [The cops holster their guns andimmediately confer.]

Aramis McCord: How ’bout Italian? You always likeItalian.

Kevin Brut: Give me a break. Yeah, I’m tryin’ to losea few pounds, you know. [to the corpse] Anything yousay can and will be used against you in evidence.

Aramis McCord: Hey, how ’bout French?

Kevin Brut: You mean that little place over onAlameida with the colored umbrellas?

Aramis McCord: Hey, listen, old buddy, you can get anice brook trout, a carafe of white wine, a smallendive salad — what do you say?

[A loud BEEPING noise. The cops don’t even bother tolook.]

Aramis McCord: It’s a code six-oh-nine. Let’s roll!

[They exit the room in an unnecessarily roundaboutfashion by running along one wall, then to the door.Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Funky theme music and noisy sound effects.Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city. A gianthand pours lighter fluid on a now massive pile ofcrashed vehicles. Another hand sets the pile on fire.It burns nicely. The hands throw more vehicles intothe inferno. Dissolve to an apartment house staircasewhere a black man runs down, gunshots ringing out. Thetwo cops are right behind him, firing away. He fallsdown dead at the bottom of the stairs.]

Kevin Brut: Stop or I’ll shoot!

[McCord fires an extra shot into the dead man just tomake sure. The cops relax and holster their guns.]

Aramis McCord: Hey, champ. How would you feel aboutMexican? You’d like to, uh, kill Mexican tonight?

Kevin Brut: Didn’t we, uh, kill Mexican last night?

Aramis McCord: That wasn’t Mexican. That was Filipino.

Kevin Brut: Six o’ one, amigo, six o’ one. [They bothlaugh.] Come on, let’s go get a bite to eat.

Aramis McCord: Okay.

[Brut puts an arm around McCord and, smiling, theywalk to the camera and freeze as the music increasesin volume and the show’s credits rapidly roll by:

Also Appearing
CHAD PINTO
SHEP GREMLIN
GRIFF MALIBU
FARL DUSTER
THAD DASHER
GAR CHARGER

Produced by
LUKE FURY III

Directed by
GIL MAVERICK

Written by
LINC POLARA
ROY TORONADO
CLIFF LAGUNA

Script Consultant
TOD CAPRICE

Musical Director
KIT MUSTANG

Talent Coordinators
GUY VOLARE
WALD COUGAR

[Dissolve to the filmed insert of the blurred citystreet. Noisy sound effects.]

Jeremy Musk: [voice over] This is Jeremy Musk. Hereare a few scenes from the next episode of “PoliceState” …

[Dissolve to the aerial view of the model city wherethe massive pile of crashed, burning vehicles hasgotten even larger. Dissolve back to McCord and Brut,still frozen, smiling into the camera as more creditsroll by and announcer Don Pardo puts in a final word:]

Edited by
SCOTT MARLIN

Associate Producer
DAG TORINO

Assistant to the Producer
KEITH CAMARO

Unit Managers
LANE JAVELIN
BRIAN PACER

Makeup
YVES LE BARON

Technical Director
MERL BOBCAT

Audio
ADAM SPRITE

Video
MATT CIVIC

Lighting
BEN GRANADA

Costume Designer
KENT CORONET

Scenic Designer
WARD CUTLASS

Associate Scenic Designer
RAMSEY COLT

Stage Manager
STACY RABBIT

Graphics
BRAM ELITE

Don Pardo: Stay tuned for “SWAT, Police Tailor” — anofficer’s first duty is to his uniform.

[A final burst of 1970s cop show music and it’sfinally all over.]

[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on a woman at the end of the row ]

[SUPER: “Coming up Next… Leprosy – The Ultimate Weight Loss Program?”]

[the woman smiles, despite her confusion over the cryptic message]

[whoops – an error in the control room! The correct slide appears:]

[SUPER: “Will Remain A Virgin for One More Hour”]

[she laughs, as we fade completely]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Waiting For Pardo

Bill…..Kris Kristofferson
Bob…..Chevy Chase
Don Pardo…..Himself

[A superimposition reads: waiting for pardo. In ableak landscape, two tramps, resembling Estragon andVladimir — the protagonists of Samuel Beckett’s play”Waiting for Godot” — sit on a rock and engage indeliberately-paced, absurdist dialogue:]

Bill: Is he comin’?

Bob: I don’t think so.

Bill: Have you ever seen him?

Bob: No. Nobody has.

Bill: Well, how do you know he exists?

Bob: What?

Bill: How do you know he exists?

Bob: I’ve heard him.

Bill: Where? On game shows?

Bob: Yes. “Jeopardy.”

Bill: We can’t wait much longer.

Bob: We don’t have much time.

Don Pardo: Yes, you do, boys! ‘Cause here’s good news![The tramps are mildly surprised to hear the campy,booming voice of legendary announcer Don Pardo rapidlyreading what sounds like ad copy as we iris to animage of wristwatches in deep space – the brand ofwatch is IMMANUEL KANT OF GERMANY] Space and time areempirically real but transcendentally ideal, Bill!Yours from Immanuel Kant — where Time and Space workhand-in-hand for you! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bill: What’s it like?

Bob: What?

Bill: The face of Pardo.

Bob: It’s been said that it’s very beautiful.

Bill: Yes.

Bob: Though no one’s ever seen it.

Bill: Let’s look for it. [Bob looks inside a boot thathe carries while Bill looks skyward at the sound ofDon Pardo’s Olympian voice]

Don Pardo: Keep looking, boys! [iris to an image ofluggage – brand name: Spinoza] ‘Cause all things whichare are in themselves or in another thing, Bill!Another quality idea from Spinoza! [dissolve back tothe tramps]

Bob: [off his boot] Well, he’s not in here.

Bill: [off his shoe] Not in here either.

Bob: [tries to put on Bill’s shoe] It’s a struggle.

Bill: Puttin’ on your shoe?

Bob: No, puttin’ on yours.

Bill: [puts his hat on his foot] I think we’re losingthis game.

Don Pardo: No way, big fella! [iris to an image offine jewelry – brand name: MARX OF LONDON] Theproletarians have nothing to lose but their chains!Workers of the world unite, Bob! From “Das Kapital” byMarx! Back to you, Bill! [dissolve back to the tramps]

Bob: Tell me … you like my T-shirt?

Bill: I have one.

Bob: Bloomingdale’s?

Bill: Macy’s.

Bob: Let’s just … keep waiting.

Don Pardo: And you’ll be glad you did, you luckydevils, you! [iris to image of cruise ships with thewords 5 DAYS 6 NIGHTS – I CHING TO HONG KONG] Because,from the fabulous Book of Changes, comes success! Itfurthers one to cross the great water! Perseverancefurthers, Bill! From the good folks at I Ching!

Bill: He must be very smart.

Don Pardo: I think, therefore I am, Bill! [dissolve toimage of men’s designer slacks and the Eiffel Tower -brand name: René Descartes of Paris] Something tothink about from René Descartes of Paris! [dissolveback to the tramps]

Bob: Knock knock.

Bill: Who’s there?

Bob: Bob.

Bill: Knock knock.

Bob: Who’s there?

Bill: Bill.

Bob: One hundred bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: One hundred bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

Bill: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Bob: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall …

Don Pardo: And while you’re waiting for Pardo, have anice day, Bill! [dissolve to image of a smiley faceunderneath which is the name of Rod McKuen] Looselybased on a concept by Rod McKuen.

Bob: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall …

Bill: Ninety-eight bottles of beer …

Bob: If one of those bottles should happen to fall …

[stage darkens]

[cue accidental superimposition over Chevy and Kris, instead of over an unsuspecting audience member: “Making Loud Sucking Noises With tongue and Teeth, But You Can’t Hear Them”]

[fade]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Bobby McGee

…..Kris Kristofferson
Bobby McGee/Paisner/Farber…..Gilda Radner
Larry Farber…..John Belushi
…..Rita Coolidge

[FADE IN on a closeup of Kris Kristofferson’s hand strumming his guitar.]

Kris: “Busted flat in Baton Rouge,
I’m headin’ for a train…”

[PAN back to show him playing and singing as the audience applauds.]

Kris: “Feelin’ near as faded as my jeans…”

[stops playing]

Kris: Thank you, thank you, thank you. That song is called “Bobby McGee,” and I wrote the thing back in 1969, and I guess you know how much it meant to me. What you probably don’t know is there really was a Bobby McGee. Only it wasn’t her name, it was Bobby Paisner, but I rhymed it… with “me,” and nothin’ rhymes with “Paisner” anyway, but it… somebody here at NBC took the trouble to hunt her down, and she’s somewhere out there in the audience now, I ain’t seen her in seven years, and I’d like you all to meet the real Bobby McGee. Bobby? Come up here.

[The band plays an instrumental of “Bobby McGee” as Bobby steps up to home base. She has frosted, curly hair and a salmon-colored dress, and she carries a white pocketbook in front of her. She and Kris grin awkwardly at each other while the band winds up.]

Kris: Wow! Bobby… [kisses her cheek]

Bobby: [in a nasal voice] Kris. [laughter] It’s wonderful to see you, you look, you look just fabulous. Tell me honestly, would you have recognized me?

Kris: Sure, sure. [they laugh] You look a little, dress a little different… [looks her up and down] I don’t think I’d forget the shape, anyway.

Bobby: [embarrassed] Oh…

Kris: Oh, boy. Hey, what happened to you, uh…

Bobby: Oh, you mean in Salinas?

Kris: Yeah.

Bobby: Oh, I had to leave, I’d really had it with the road, you know, four weeks is a long time to be away from home, you know. And, uh, my parents sent me this plane ticket back to Chicago, and they were so SUPPORTIVE, they fixed up my old room and everything. And, you know, I’ll never forget it, my father said to me, “You can’t be a grasshopper your whole life.” You know, so I went back to college and I got my teaching certificate.

Kris: [stares lovingly at her] Wow…

Bobby: Yeah.

Kris: So you’re a teacher.

Bobby: Well, I never actually got a chance to teach, because that’s when, uh, I met Larry.

Kris: [quietly] Larry who?

Bobby: Larry Farber.

[Larry leaps up to home base.]

Larry: Hi, how are ya, Kris, nice to meet ya!

[Wearing a gray plaid blazer with a red tie and dark-rimmed glasses, Larry reaches for Kris’s hand and pumps it heartily while the audience applauds.]

Bobby: This is my husband, Kris, Larry Farber.

Larry: Hi!

Bobby: He’s in, uh, woman’s pocketbooks.

Larry: Yeah, lemme get a picture of you two over here. C’mon, get together here now, let’s see…

[Larry pulls out a camera with a tall flash bar and motions for Bobby to stand next to Kris. Kris dutifully puts his arm around Bobby’s shoulder.]

Larry: C’mon, let’s see that little smi–aha!

[Bobby grins widely for him. Larry snaps a couple of quick shots and then turns and waves at the TV camera.]

Larry: [in a nasal voice] Hi, kids! Hi, Tracy, hi, Jason! How are ya?

Kris: What?

Larry: They’re our kids, I promised I’d say hello.

Kris: Hey, this is live TV…

Bobby: They’re watching in Highland Park. Hi, kids.

Larry: Hi, kids!

Kris: [awkwardly] Well, that’s really terrific, uh, your kids are out there…

Bobby: Yeah, you know something? Tracy, uh––they just LOVE you, you’re their–they’re your biggest fans! Kris, really. Y’know, they always listen to your record. Their favorite one is “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”

[laughter]

Larry: Y’know, all I ever hear them listen to is Elton John. [cracks up]

Bobby: Oh, Larry’s such a joker, you’re such a joker, Larry, he’s really a joker.

Kris: [flatly] I bet you guys have a lot of yuks, don’t ya?

Bobby: Um, Kris, Larry’s never heard you sing. Could you sing “Bobby McGee” for him?

Kris: Oh, now, he don’t wanna hear it.

Larry: Come on!

Bobby: Yes he does, really, he wants to hear it, Kris? It’s our song, right? It’s our song.

Larry: Yeah, y’know Bobby tells me you’ve been quite a MAN out there, pal. [claps his shoulder] Hey?

Bobby: God knows, I never saw a penny. [laughter] Go ahead and sing it, though, Kris, please.

[Kris starts playing his guitar.]

Kris: Well, “I–let’s see–I took my harpoon out
Of my dirty red bandanna,
Blowin’ sad while Bobby sang the blues…”

[Larry claps his hands out of time and does a very bad samba.]

Bobby: Oh, I love it.

Kris: “Them windshield wipers slappin’ time,
And Bobby clappin’ hands…”

[fades out]

Larry: Yeah, I love it. Really, nice.

Bobby: Yeah, you know… You know, I’ve waited so long for the two of you to meet, really.

Larry: Oh, yeah.

Bobby: You know, Kris, I’ve told Larry all about you.

Kris: All about me?

Larry: [joshing] What’s that supposed to mean?

Bobby: LARRY…

Larry: Okay.

Bobby: Okay.

[They both pant and guffaw stupidly for a moment.]

Bobby: [to Kris] We really had some good times, didn’t we?

Kris: [clearly uncomfortable] Yeah, they were some crazy, zany old times!

Bobby: Yeah. C’mon, Kris, finish the song, y’know, a lot of my friends back in Highland Park don’t believe that I’m the real Bobby McGee. So, could you just sing it for them, please, sing the rest of the song?

Kris: Uh, look–

Bobby: Please? Please?

[Kris haltingly picks a few notes.]

Bobby: [grinning] Pretty please, with sugar on top? Please? Could you sing it, Kris?

Kris: [muttering quickly through his lines] “Somewhere near Salinas, well, I let her slip away…”

Bobby: Yeah. Yeah.

Kris: “California, coal mines of Kentucky to the California sun, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul…”

Larry: Hey, when were you in Kentucky, sweetheart?

Kris: [softly] “Standin’ right beside me, through everything I done…”

Larry: Uh, I, I thought you were just hitchhiking back to school!

Kris: [softly] “Every night she kept me from the cold…”

Bobby: Larry, it was a long time ago.

[They all stop while Larry glares at Kristofferson.]

Larry: “Kept me from the cold?” Is that what you said? “Kept me from the cold”?

Bobby: Yes, he said “kept me from the cold.”

Larry: [getting sore] I thought you just talked! I thought it was one afternoon, uh, I thought you said you just happened to get a ride in the same truck at one time, that was it!

Bobby: [in a monotone] Look, LARRY, it was a long time ago, it was dark, there was a thunderstorm, it was chilly, it looked like night. Enough is enough. [turns back to Kris and smiles] Go ahead, Kris, sing the song.

Kris: “Standin’ in the road…”

Larry: [shortly] Go ahead, sing it. C’mon.

Bobby: C’mon.

Larry: C’mon!

Kris: “I don’t think it’s ever gonna be that–”

Bobby: He wants to hear the rest of it, c’mon.

Larry: I wanna hear that song!

Kris: [at breakneck speed] “Somewhere near Salinas, I let her slip away, looking for the love I hope she finds–she found…”

Larry: Uh-huh.

Bobby: [humming along] Mm, mm…

Kris: “I’d trade all my tomorrows for some single yesterday, and holding Bobby’s body next to mine–”

Larry: Okay, okay, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.” Wait. Look, I get the picture. I’m not stupid. You know, I may not be a folk singer, but I am not stupid. I know what’s goin’ on, “holding Bobby’s body next to mine.”

Bobby: Larry, I don’t believe this. I don’t believe you could–

Larry: Let him ANSWER it! C’mon!! What is that supposed to mean, fella?

Kris: Hey, Frank–Far–Larry…

Bobby: Larry.

Larry: LARRY! Larry Farber.

Kris: [losing patience] When you’re in the front seat of a truck–

Larry: Yeah?!

Kris: –and there’s three of you, and when you got a… a… harpoon…

Larry: Yeah, sure.

Kris: And a bandanna…

Larry: Yeah?

Kris: Somebody’s butt is going to be next to somebody else’s.

Larry: [shoves him] Yeah, how’d ya like to step outside for a knuckle sandwich pal? C’mon! [removes jacket]

Bobby: LARRY!!

Larry: [slips back into jacket] C’mon, weirdo! Let’s go! C’mon, pal!

[Rita Coolidge suddenly walks up from backstage and stops next to Kris.]

Kris: [to Bobby] Honey, I would like you to meet somebody real special. [to Rita] This is Bobby McGee. And her, it’s Bobby…

Bobby: [smiles at Rita] It’s Bobby Farber now, right.

Kris: And her husband Larry.

Bobby: This is my husband Larry Farber, woman’s pocketbooks, right. [holds out pocketbook]

Larry: [waves briefly at Rita] Nice to meet you.

Rita: [smiles politely to Bobby] It’s beautiful.

Bobby: Thank you. Uh– [to Kris] Listen, uh, just one last thing for me, Kris. Could you just finish the song, please? A lot of people don’t believe–

Kris: [quickly] “Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose…”

Bobby: [droning] “Nothin’ left but nothin’ every daaaaaay, nothing ain’t worth nothing…” [to Larry] I wrote the “na na-na” part.

Larry: [sullenly] Yeah, I know.

Bobby: Okay?

[They all sing for a moment while Kris plays.]

Bobby: Remember the “na na-na” part? [sings] “Na na-na, na na-na na na…”

Larry: “Feeling good was…” good enough for YOU!

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: It was good then! Now, now what does it take, huh?

[CUT to Kris and Rita as they watch in disbelief.]

Larry: Next two weeks in the Caribbean, now, to set you straight.

Bobby: Larry–

Larry: Yeah, the charge card, the tennis lessons for the kids, a house in Benton Harbor, the analyst…

Bobby: “Na na-na, na na na-na…”

Larry: The damned analyst, the KIDS’ damned analyst. I shoulda been a damned FOLK singer, that’s what I shoulda been!!

Bobby: Larry, you’re making a–

Larry: AW, NO! I shoulda been a folk singer, and grown a beard! [grabs Bobby’s arm] No, let’s get out of here!

Bobby: [slaps his arm] No!

Larry: [dragging her offstage] We’re getting out of here!!

[He growls at her and pulls her quickly off past the cameras. Audience applauds as Kris and Rita watch them go in disbelief.]

Rita: That’s Bobby McGee? I mean, that’s Bobby McGee?

Kris: [takes a deep breath] That was a long time ago, things were different in the ‘60s. [to audience] Wait! We’ll be right back in a few minutes, folks! [to Rita] Listen, this one means a lot to me…

[As they talk quietly, PAN back over applause and FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Gynecologist Blind Date

Judy…..Jane Curtin
Gynecologist…..Kris Kristofferson

[In her apartment, Judy sits on the sofa and talks onthe phone.]

Judy: Margie, listen, he’s in the bathroom so I’ve gotto talk fast. Okay, remember how Eileen said that thiswould be the greatest blind date of my life — he’scute, he’s fun, he’s a doctor? He’s my gynecologist…. Because she never told me his last name, that’swhy! … Well, nothing’s happened so far except hesaid my pap test came out okay. … Well, I don’tknow, it’s just so awkward. I mean, the last time Isaw his face, it was coming up between my knees. …It’s embarrassing. I just don’t know if I can gothrough– [a door opens] I gotta get off — he’scoming. [quickly hangs up, pretends to read amagazine]

Gynecologist: [enters] Well, “Silent Movie” comes onat eight o’clock and, uh, “The Omen” — it might bea–

Judy: I-I-I-I, um, I don’t think I can go through withthis.

Gynecologist: What?

Judy: Going out with you. Going out with mygynecologist.

Gynecologist: Why? [joins Judy on sofa]

Judy: Well … because … I don’t even know whatmovie we’re seeing yet and you’ve already gotten tothird base.

Gynecologist: Hey, uh, Judy, all I did was perform aprofessional service for ya, just like an accountant.It’s like, it’s like if you were datin’ youraccountant.

Judy: Hey, I wouldn’t mind if you’d seen the inside ofmy checkbook.

Gynecologist: Look, let’s talk about somethin’ else,change the subject. That’s a great lookin’ shirt yagot on.

Judy: Well, are you sure? You’ve never seen me inanything but white paper. Hey, doesn’t it ever get toyou? I mean, knowing that you’ve seen the inside of my…

Gynecologist: Judy, I see these things all the time.

Judy: Well, that’s the difference. To you, they’re”these things.” To me, they’re MY things.

Gynecologist: Now, I didn’t mean it that way. It’sjust like if– I mean, imagine lookin’ at thirty orforty “things” a day, you know? Uh, if you can’t– Ifyou’re worryin’ about what I remember about yours, youknow, I can’t even remember which one it was.

Judy: You can’t?

Gynecologist: Promise.

Judy: That is a relief.

Gynecologist: Whew. [Judy sighs] Well, if you want tosee “Silent Movie,” we ought to go right now.

Judy: You really can’t remember … one thing?

Gynecologist: Uh uh. Uh uh.

Judy: Not even about the, uh, other half?

Gynecologist: Well, who could forget those, darlin’?Ha ha! Jokin’, of course, I’m only kidding, you see.

Judy: Oh.

Gynecologist: Hey, wait a minute. Are you mad becauseI DON’T remember, now?

Judy: Oh! No-ho-ho-ho! It’s wonderful to know that theman who probably has the most intimate contact withyour body can’t remember one thing.

Gynecologist: Good God, Judy, I’m a doctor. I can’tthink of my patients sexually. I have to think of ’emobjectively.

Judy: Sure.

Gynecologist: Well, you know what? You know what youare? You’re thinkin’ like everybody else thinks. Youthink it was a choice for me of either bein’ agynecologist or some dirty old man in an all-nightmovie with a newspaper on my lap. It was not thatchoice. Do you know what it was like for me in school?All my friends made me write down everything I saw sothey could read it in the bathroom later. And theother residents, man, they thought THEY were workin’but I was gettin’ a little.

Judy: Well?

Gynecologist: Well, every time I went out on a date,any woman that I was ever out with eventually gotaround to asking why I was ever interested in bein’ agynecologist and, uh, did I think about it a lot whenI was a little boy? Did I want to be one then? Did Ihave bad thoughts? You know, DO I have bad thoughts,you know?

Judy: [perhaps a little hopeful] Do ya?

Gynecologist: Doesn’t everybody? You do, admit it.

Judy: Well, I don’t think that I necessarily–

Gynecologist: All the time you have bad thoughts! Comeon, you could be havin’ ’em right now. Look at the wayyou cross your legs.

Judy: Well, no, I–

Gynecologist: In fact, that’s probably why you startedthis whole damn thing — you’re tryin’ to get in myknickers. I’m teasin’.

Judy: It’s not that I haven’t noticed you. I – I haveoccasionally peeked over the sheet — once.

Gynecologist: [laughs] Aha! You see, we’re gettin’down to the nitty gritty. [decides to confess] Hey,you wanna– If it’ll make you feel better, you know–Nobody ever got fixed up with their gynecologist byaccident. I felt funny about this thing and somebodyfixed us up — for me. That’s all.

Judy: Do you mean that?

Gynecologist: Yeah. When you was peekin’ over thesheet, I was peekin’ under it. [takes her hand] Hey,can we be friends about it?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Can we go to the movies?

Judy: Yeah.

Gynecologist: Let’s get out.

[Holding hands, they rise and go to the door. He opensit for her. Halfway out the door, Judy stops and turnsto him, very pleased.]

Judy: You DID notice.

[She turns, head held high, and exits. He follows herout, shutting the door behind him. We pan across theempty room and off the set to the applauding audience.A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT… PIGGY BANKSFOR SWINE FLU VACCINE.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24

75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Goodnights

…..Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson: Hi! I just want to thank all the people who let us be on this show, with all the crazy people that work on it. They got one of the greatest studio bands there probably is anywhere — and I got one of the best bands, too! [ the audience cheers and applauds ] Hey! It’s such a DAMN pleasure to work any place where you got any real imagination working, and I got a great band and some great girls back there working with me, too. God bless, y’all! Thank you very much!

[ as the credits begin to roll, the cast climbs up to join Kristogfferson on Home Base ]

Announcer: Hi, this is Dan Aykroyd, one of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, inviting you to watch the Beach Boys Special on NBC on Thursday, August 5th. Some of us from “Saturday Night” were involved in the production, and you’ll be neatly surprised. “Sam-son, Sam-son, Sam-son…” and more! Watch The Beach Boys — Thursday, August 5th on NBC. Thanks a lot. Good night.

SNL Transcripts