Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future I

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Voice of Don Pardo: America, Election Day fast approaches, and withthe Presidential Race still too close to call, “Saturday Night Live” wouldlike to present “A Glimpse of our Possible Future”.

[ open on Scenario I ]

Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:George W. Bush.

[ open on the Oval Office – beer cans on desk, socks hung on the lamp, abarbecue grill burning on his desk ]

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President, get out there!

President George W. Bush: [ from under his desk ] No! No, you can’t make me!You’re gonna yell at me again!

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President!

President George W. Bush: [ peeks out from under his desk ] No! I don’t want to goout, it’s too hard!

Voice of Advisor: You’re on, Sir!

President George W. Bush: Awww.. [ jumps up and takes his seat ] Hey, America!So, how we all doing out there, huh? Yeah, not so good. I broke the HooverDam.. we had that war thing happen. But I mean, who ever heard of a CivilWar, anyway? What is that? [ grabs a pair of binoculars, unscrewsthe lens, then pours alcohol from it into his mouth ] I have missed you,ol’ buddy! [ pours it into his barbecue grill ] Whoo! I think wecan agree, Americans, that these have been a difficult first two years ofmy presidency..

Voice of Advisor: You’ve been President for two weeks!

President George W. Bush: Really? Oh, man! I told you, this is hard!Okay, listen.. I’m just gonna get this Address thing over with. As weassess the State of the American Union today, we have reason to hope, because.. [ takes out a map which shows California and Florida as islands, Texas inCommunist Mexico, and the Great Lakes on fire ] Holy crap! When didall this happen?! Wow.. the Great Lakes are on fire – even I knowthat’s not good. [ laughs ] Okay, America, we got a lot of problems. Iain’t gonna lie to you. But with the help of Vice-President Dick Cheney..

Voice of Advisor: You killed him in a hunting accident!

George W. Bush: Okay, fine! Not a problem. ‘Cause I’ve been workinghard, I got a plan that’s gonna solve all of it – from the deficit, toforeign relations, to that hole in the sun. Two words, America: OstrichMeat.

Voice of Advisor: [ disgusted ] Oh, come on! [ exits Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: No, no, wait, wait! Hear me out. You see, everyonegets an ostrich.. and then you eat the ostrich, then you raise the ostrich..that way, no more ostriches! We are trying to get rid of all the ostriches,right? Anyone? [ ball of fire erupts outside ] Aw, screw! That big titbuilding is on fire again – damn! Alright, sorry, folks.. I gottatake care of this.. [ stands up ] Come on, Blue! Here, boy! [ an ostrichambles forward ] You all go on ahwad without me. And, in the meantime, “Live,from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4



Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

Charlize Theron’s Monologue

…..Charlize Theron
…..Tracy Morgan

Charlize Theron: Thank you! I’m delighted to be here in New York,hosting the show. I actually wasn’t even born in the United States – I wasborn and raised in South Africa. But I live here now!

Tracy Morgan: [ standing amongst the audience ] Oh, Boo! Boo?You serious?

Charlize Theron: Yes.. Sir.. you have a question?

Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not a Sir. I’m Tracy Morgan, I’m on the show.

Charlize Theron: Oh, really?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I didn’t have much to do this week, so I skippedthe practices. You live here, but you were born in Africa?

Charlize Theron: Yes, that’s right.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. so you’re an African-American?

Charlize Theron: [ contemplating ] Wow..! I guess I am! I.. I..I never thought of it that way..

Tracy Morgan: [ steps on stage ] Well, you better start thinkingabout it that way!

Charlize Theron: You’re right. People always think I’m Swedish orGerman.. but I’m African-American, you’re right!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, we have to stick together, because thisbusiness is rough!

Charlize Theron: You’re right.

Tracy Morgan: Hell, yeah, I’m right! So, I saw you in thatnew movie with Will Smith.

Charlize Theron: Yeah, “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. It’s me, andWill, and Matt Damon.

Tracy Morgan: I don’t know him.

Charlize Theron: But you know Will Smith?

Tracy Morgan: Not personally.. but I hang out with DJ Jazzy Jeff’screw. You know Griffin Louie Trade? Man, that dude is hilarious! [ laughs ]

Charlize Theron: That’s the guy with the iguana, right?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, man, that lizard is crazy! [ takes out apack of cigarettes ] You want a Newport?

Charlize Theron: [ takes out her own pack of cigarettes ] That’s okay.I got my Kools.

Tracy Morgan: Mmm. When I saw you in “Bagger Vance”, I knew you wasAfrican-American, man. When I heard you talking during the movie..

Charlize Theron: I was in the movie.

Tracy Morgan: So was I. I was yelling at the screen: “Let Will Smithhit the ball, man! He’s like Tiger Woods!”

Charlize Theron: So, did you like the movie?

Tracy Morgan: Uh.. we didn’t get to see it all. They had kicked usout because they said a little trained lizard had bit a kid in the thirdaisle – but I didn’t have nothin’ to do with that! But we all know whatthe real reason was.

Charlize Theron: Because you’re African-American.

Tracy Morgan: Oh.. you can relate. Damn! It’s about time they let a sister host this show! And you’re fine, too!

Charlize Theron: Thanks, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: [ peeks around back ] Your ass a little bony, butthat’s okay. Anyway, I’m gonna let y’all get on with your show – it’s abig one, the election show. By the way, who you voting for?

Charlize Theron: Well, actually, because I was born in Africa, Ican’t vote.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. I can’t, either. I got convicted of a felony.Anyway, I should let you do your thing. Stay strong, sister! You heard?

Charlize Theron: I heard. [ they clap fists before Tracy stepsaway ] We have a great show, Paul Simon is here, so stick around, we’ll beright back!

SNL Transcripts

Rap Street

Grandmaster Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazzam…..Horatio Sanz
Kevin Gustafson…..Tom Green
Maria Muldaur…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer: You’re watching BET, Black Entertainment Television. Now it’s time for Rap Street, with your hosts, your favourite old school rappers, Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Word up, word up, word up!

Grandmaster Rap: What’s happening everybody? I’m Grandmaster Raps!

Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam. How y’all homeboys and homegirls doin’ out there? Yeah! Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh. Now, as you know, this show is dedicated to old school hip-hops.

Kid Shazzam: That’s right, cuz we started hip-hops back in 1972 when we got back from Vietnams.

Grandmaster Rap: Oh, terrible conflict.

Kid Shazzam: Napalms and Miss Saigons.

Grandmaster Rap: Agents and orgies and what not. Woo!

Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s start the show. Grandmaster Rap?

Grandmaster Rap: Mm-hmm?

Kid Shazzam: Have you seen that video with that little nasty girl, Little Kims?

Grandmaster Rap: Oh, easy now kid, easy!

Kid Shazzam: Talkin’ about her private parts like they’re juicy and what not.

Grandmaster Rap: When we rapped, we didn’t rap about givin’ your man friend fellat-i-os. We rapped about good stuff like sneakers.

Kid Shazzam: And people who talk too much.

Grandmaster Rap: And partying all night long!

Kid Shazzam: And not stopping till the break-a break-a dawn!

Grandmaster Rap: We are Grandmaster Rap

Kid Shazzam: And I’m Kid Shazzam!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: And this is what we do, we gotta rap rap rap and rock rock rock, rip rop rippity doo!

Kid Shazzam: My name is Kid Shazzam and I’d like to say hello.

Grandmaster Rap: My name is Grandmaster Rap and I’ll say hello also.

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: But first we gotta rap rap, rippity rap rap, rip rop rippity do, you know our rhymes are funky fresh, rip rop rippity doo! Word! Funky! Fresh!

[ they spout gibberish as they join hands and “groove” ]

Grandmaster Rap: Woo! Funky fresh indeed!

Kid Shazzam: That was sweet!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Word to your mother, word to your mother.

Kid Shazzam: Well, it’s that time of the show when we honour another one of our fallen homeboys. Our good friend “The Rappin’ Kid” got shot last night.

Grandmaster Rap: With about 20 CC’s of epinepherine. But it was too late, after four heart attacks and two bypasses, I guess it was his time.

Kid Shazzam: He’s survived by his wife Penelope, his children James, Margaret and Thomas, and his grandkids Sheniqua, Ashante and Dorito. And his great grandkid Uridium.

Grandmaster Rap: Who’s currently in his third year of law school. This is for you, Rappin’ Kid.

Kid Shazzam: To the brothers who couldn’t be here.

Grandmaster Rap: That’s right, that’s right, word up, word up.

Kid Shazzam: Okay now. People’s always askin’ us, do you like any new rap that’s out now?

Grandmaster Rap: No. But we did see this one youngster at the club the other night, and he was the only one who wasn’t talkin’ about penises and gold knives. And we have taken him under our wangs.

Kid Shazzam: All right. Let’s bring him out. Let’s give a big Rap Street welcome to Mr. MC Kevin Gustafson.

Kevin: I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good boy. I’m a good good boy, I’m a good good boy, look at me, look at me, I’m a good boy. I’m a nice boy, I do things that are really nice. That’s why they call me a nice boy, I’m a nice boy.

Maria: Midnight at the oasis, put your camels to bed, you don’t know places, spaces, moonlight in your head…

Kevin: I’m a nice boy, and I like to wear undies. Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies! When I wear undies, it’s really really funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny! Funny. Undies! Undies are funny! I like to wear undies because they’re so funny! Funny! Undies! Undies! Undies! Undies!

Maria: Midnight at the oasis!

Kevin: Funny undies!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Woo!

Grandmaster Rap: Word up, now did y’all hear that, did you hear that, that, suckas, those rhymes were hardcore!

Kid Shazzam: It don’t come no doper, no doper. I liked that part about the underwears too. Let that be a lesson to you Little Kims. Maybe you should put some on!

Grandmaster Rap: Word up, word up, those underwears have a purpose, to cover your damn stuff up. Well, Kevin Gustafson, welcome to Rap Street. Now tell the folks where you grew ups.

Kevin: Ottawa, Canada.

Kid Shazzam: Oo, Canada. We had some friends who ran up there during the Vietnams War, didn’t we?

Grandmaster Rap: Sure did, word up, word up.

Kid Shazzam: Chickens, that’s what they were.

Grandmaster Rap: Yeah, bunch of yellow-bellies. All right, now Kevin Gustafson, won’t you join us in a little old school raps? [ he nods ] All right!

Kid Shazzam: One for the treble!

Grandmaster Rap: Two for the bass!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Come on, Kevin Gustafson, rock this place!

Kevin: Well, I’m Kevin G, in the place to be, and I’m in the place to be, with Kevin G, I don’t rap about bad stuff, that’s not me, and that’s not fun, now we’ve just begun..

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: We gotta rap, rap, a-rippity a-roppity, a-rip rop rippity doo!

Announcer: Promotional consideration provided by Jeri Curl. It’s not out of style, you is! And by Rockso’s turkey and pancakes. It’s Food! And Ebony-Sure, the dope diapers for all blacks, cuz sometimes, you mess yourself.

Grandmaster Rap: That’s the end of the show!

Kid Shazzam: Good night everybody!

Grandmaster Rap and Kid Shazzam: Rip rop rippity doo!

Thanks to Jordan Davidson of The SNL Message Board for this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 13th, 2002

The Rock

Andrew W.K.

None

Andrew W.K., “Party Hard”

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bush (Will Ferrell) offers horny men and women for suicide bombers.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

The Rock’s Monologue

Rock regrets daring Chris Kattan to punch him in the face.

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) thinks parrot is trying to impersonate him.

Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

The Scorpion King

Scorpion King’s (Rock) son (Seth Meyers) longs to be accepted by his father.

Arthur Anderson Ad

Arthur Anderson firm can help people avoid paying their taxes.

Hardball

Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) continues to make fun of his guests.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Paul Begalia.

Drunk Girl

Drunk Girl (Jeff Richards) and friend (Rock) wander through Studio 8-H.

Recurring Characters: Drunk Girl.

The Subway

Via song, passenger (Maya Rudolph) and derelict (Tracy Morgan) insult one another.

The Girl With No Gaydar

Nicole (Rachel Dratch) doesn’t realize she’s looking for men in gay bar.

Recurring Characters: Nicole.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Gene Shalit makes puns to describe attack on his house by bears.

Recurring Characters: Gene Shalit.

Andrew W.K. performs “Party Hard”

All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Bigfoot & Neil Diamond

Bigfoot (Rock) has recorded cover album with Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond.

America Undercover

White trash couple (Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler) fight doctors in hospital.

Andrew W.K. performs “I Get Wet”

A Message From “Saturday Night Live”

Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan perform a new ditty.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 12th, 2002

Josh Hartnett

Pink

None

Buddy the Dog Memorial Service

Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) offers eulogy for deceased dog Buddy

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Josh Hartnett’s Monologue

Jimmy Fallon advises Hartnett not to adopt a new image.

Wake Up, Wakefield

Zack Bodorf’s (Hartnett) growth spurt wakens Megan’s (Maya Rudolph) interest.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion, Randy Goldman.

The Laura Bengal Covington Story

Lifetime movie about Covington’s (Ana Gasteyer) interest in stepson (Hartnett).

TV Funhouse

X-Presidents and Ambiguously Gay Duo team up to snare Osama bin Laden.

The Shout Out! Show

Grand Master Freddy (Tracy Morgan) offers unnecessary shout outs to the community.

Pink performs “Get The Party Started”

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Maya Angelou (Tracy Morgan) espouses off-topic birthday card greetings.

Henley (Horatio Sanz) & Stiles (Chris Kattan) can’t do routine via satellite.

HBO First Look

“Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones features N*Sync.

Captain of Impressions

Airline captain (Hartnett) stalls passengers by doing impressions.

My Best List for 2001

Wax and Dracula sponsorships hinder legitimacy of Jack Handey’s list items.

Pink performs “Don’t Let Me Get Me”

Playboy’s Movie Showcase

“Burqua Baddies” features Yeman face pornography.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

The O’Reilly Factor

Bill O’Reilly…..Jeff Richards
Thomas Woodward…..Chris Parnell
Susan van Etten…..Amy Poehler

Bill O’Reilly: Hello, everybody, I’m Bill O’Reilly, thank you for watching The Factor. Our top story tonight: Was bankrupt energy giant Enron responsible for the power shortage last year that rocked California? My next guest says no, it was the “environmentalists”. He’s Thomas Woodward, an attorney with the American Enterprise Institute. Mr. Woodward, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Thomas Woodward: My pleasure, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, uh, Mr. Woodward, in your article, you say that environmentalists simply refuse to acknowledge California’s growing need for electricity.

Thomas Woodward: That’s right.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that California has more people than any other state. I say New York State has more people – tell me where I’m wrong!

Thomas Woodward: [ confused ] Um.. well.. Bill.. actually, California is the most populous state.

Bill O’Reilly: I don’t know, Counselor. I live in New York, and I walk down the streets every day, and there’s people everywhere! You can’t move! You know what I mean? Last week, I was in California, went to the beach in Malibu. Nobody! Practically empty. So, for my money, New York’s got more people. Probably New Jersey, too.

Thomas Woodward: Well, Bill, your own experience nonwithstanding, each of the last four censuses has clearly shown –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, not buying it! Not buying it!

Thomas Woodward: Bill, I swear to you, California is our largest state!

Bill O’Reilly: Look, Mr. Woodward, you’ve got your opinion, I’ve got mine. We’re not gonna settle this tonight.

Thomas Woodward: Actually, we could setlle this tonight! Do you have an almanac?

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Counselor, nice try. But I’ll give you the last word.

Thomas Woodward: Is there someone else here I could talk to?

Bill O’Reilly: Thanks for coming on The Factor.

Next up on The Factor, our Unresolved Problem segment. Once again, the ongoing saga of San Francisco Giants slugger, Barry Bonds. As you know, Mr. Bonds has repeatedly claimed that, during the 2001 baseball season, he hit 73 home runs. We here at The Factor very much doubt this. We even invited him on the show to argue his case, but he keeps ducking us! Mr. Bonds, by your continued refusal to appear on The Factor and take the heat, you have proven that you’re not only a liar, but a coward as well. And even if you had hit 73 home runs, it’s still a far cry from the 755 Hank Aaron hit in 1974. And that’s tonight’s Unresolved Problems.

Now, in our Back of the Book segment: Is human activity really changing Earth’s atmosphere? Our next guest thinks so. She’s Susan van Etten, Professor of Environmental Sciences at Tulane University. Miss van Etten, thanks for coming on The Factor.

Susan van Etten: Thank you, Bill.

Bill O’Reilly: Now, when you say greenhouse gasses, what are we talking about here.

Susan van Etten: Well, principally, Bill, carbon dioxide or CO2 –

Bill O’Reilly: Hold it, hold it, Professor! CO2?

Susan van Etten: Yes. Bill, you see, as the result of most industrial processes, carbon combines with oxygen.

Bill O’Reilly: Oh, sorry, Professor, not buying it. I know that’s a byline, but I’m just not buying it. You’ve got carbon, you’ve got oxygen. And my gut tells me, when push comes to shove, oxygen is just not gonna combine with a carbon. I don’t care what you do to the carbon!

Susan van Etten: Well.. Bill.. under intense heat, carbon does –

Bill O’Reilly: Sorry, Professor, I just don’t buy it! But let’s move on. You say in your piece that greenhouse gasses have been found on the top of Mount Everest.

Susan van Etten: That’s correct.

Bill O’Reilly: You also say that Mount Everest is the world’s tallest mountain peak. I say the world’s tallest peak is Space Mountain – tell me where I’m wrong!

Susan van Etten: [ stunned ] Space Mountain?

Bill O’Reilly: Space Mountain! In the Pocano Mountain Range, part of Joshua Tree National Park in Alaska? Where am I wrong?

Susan van Etten: Okay.. um.. first of all, Space Mountain is not a mountain. I beleive it’s a roller coaster. Also, the Pocano Mountains are in Pennsylvania, and are not part of any national park, least of all Joshua Tree National Park, which has mountains. And it’s in California, not Alaska.

Bill O’Reilly: Hey, have you ever been to Alaska, Professor?

Susan van Etten: Bill, I was just explaining –

Bill O’Reilly: I’m sorry, Professor! I asked you a simple question: Have you ever been to Alaska?

Susan van Etten: [ meekly ] No.

Bill O’Reilly: Well, I appreciate you’re coming on The Factor. And I’ll give you the last word.

Susan van Etten: Uh..

[ time’s up ]

Bill O’Reilly: And now for a look at our Viewer Mail, about a story on overcrowding in kindergarten classrooms.

Janet Miller of Park City, Utah writes: “Bill, normally I’m a fan of ‘The Factor’s’ hard hitting style, but your interview with the five-year old girl about class size was a little too rough. Telling her she was ‘out of her mind’ was simply uncalled for.”

Janet, here at The Factor, we pull no punches, When you come on the show, you gotta know that.

Ed Gekas, Emhurst, Illinois: “Bill, your tough, incisive questions had that five year old girl squirming. The bottom line is, you had the facts. She didn’t.”

And finally, Paul Jemino of Islip, New York writes: “Bill, even though the girl hurt her case by crying, she was right, and you were wrong. Albany, not New York City, is the capital of New York State.”

Well, Paul, I thank you for watching. But I still say New York City is the state capital. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

And finally, our Most Ridiculous Item of the Day: This week, Congress voted $1.2 million of your tax dollars to the University of Iowa to study breast cancer! Come on! Don’t study it, guys. Cure it! Ridiculous! [ laughs ] Well, that’s all the time we have for The Factor. As always, we thank you for watching. I’m Bill O’Reilly. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 7

00g: Val Kilmer / U2

Wade Blasingame: Attorney-At-Law

Wade Blasingame…..Will Ferrell
Perry Meigs…..Ana Gasteyer
Johnson Young…..Tracy Morgan
Doug Blasingame…..Chris Parnell
House Owner…..Horatio Sanz

Wade Blasingame: Hi. I’m Wade Blasingame. No, not the ballplayer – the attorney-at-law. Let me ask you a question: would it be okay if somebody did this to you?

[ show half-naked man attack family by minivan and chew into their grocery sacks ]

How about if they did this:

[ show half-naked man using shovel to dig into women’s yard ]

Woman: Who are you?! What are you doing in my yard! [ chases him out of her yard ]

Wade Blasingame: Is it right for someone to do this to you:

[ Young Girl is greeted by Mom at door, as half-naked man runs up, knocks Girl down, then proceeds to hump her leg ]

No! Then, why is okay for a dog to do them? It’s not! Sue them! I fight for your rights as a human being! I’ve sued over 2,000 canines, and I’m willing to do it for you!

[ cut to Perry Meigs, sitting in a wheelchair in her kitchen ]

Perry Meigs: I dropped the kids off at my mother-in-law’s house, and her dog stuck its nose in my crotch. Wade Blasingame got me $4,000. [ holds up check ]

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I’ve been responsible for over 23 dogs put down – and 3 more scheduled to die!

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Dogs don’t deserve special treatment! They have to play by the same rules that we do!

[ cut to mailman Johnson Young sitting in his easychair ]

Johnson Young: I was delivering the mail, and this.. this dog came out of nowhere and barked at me. Wade Blasingame sued them – but we lost.. [ whispering ] But Wade told me, for $50, he’d kill the dog.

[ cue gavel smashing on the bench ]

Wade Blasingame: I did not tell him that. Look, am I happy that that dog is rotting in hell? Yes. Did I personally inject a steak with poison and feed it to the dog? No! So, remember – you wouldn’t let a person do this to your yard:

[ show half-naked man crouch down in Homeowner’s yard and take a crap ]

Homeowner: [ noticing the incident from his front room ] Hey! Get out of here!
[ half-naked man runs off ]

Wade Blasingame: So don’t let some egg-sucking dog do it! Call me – Wade Blasingame, or my brother Doug.. [ the half-naked man who’d been simulating a dog’s behavior ] ..for a free consultation, and we’ll get you justice! [ smashes his gavel on the desk ]

Announcer: Call Wade Blasingame. He’s man’s best friend!

SNL Transcripts

The Iron Chef

Master of Ceremonies…..Chris Kattan
American Bachelor Chef…..Charlie Sheen
Iron Chef Japanese…..Horatio Sanz
Yoko Akino…..Molly Shannon
Toshi Taguda…..Chris Parnell
Hiroko Yamazaki…..Rachel Dratch
Yakimuro Saijo…..Darrell Hammond
Emeril…..Chris Parnell

Master of Ceremonies: Today in Kitchen Stadium, the Iron Chef takes on an American challenger, in the battle of Iron Chef Japanese vs. the American Bachelor Chef. The Iron Chef Japanese, Machiharo Karomotu, comes from the Kutimano School of Cooking, and is known for his fusion of western influences in traditional Japanese cuisine. And the American Bachelor Chef, Derek Parsons, worked at a snack bar for two summers, and once made chili to impress a girl he wanted to have sex with.

American Bachelor Chef: What’s up, Japan? I’m gonna kick your ass tonight, just like we kicked your ass in Vietnam!

Master of Ceremonies: Now it is time to introduce today’s theme ingredient. [ pulls cloth ] Shark Heads! The chefs must use shark heads in all of their dishes. [ chefs take their trays of shark heads back to their stoves ] Let’s meet our celebrity judges: Singer Yoko Akino..

Yoko Akino: I’m so happy to be here! [ giggles ]

Master of Ceremonies: Photographer Toshi Taguda..

Toshi Taguda: Yes, ladies, it’s me!

Master of Ceremonies: Fortune Teller Hiroko Yamazaki..

Hiroko Yamazaki: Thank you for having me!

Master of Ceremonies: And famous murderer Yakimuro Saijo..

Yakimuro Saijo: I can’t wait to get my mouth on those shark heads!

Master of Ceremonies: Let’s see how our chefs are doing. Iron Chef Japanese has just taken a shark head, and is rolling them in dry mullen rum.

Yoko Akino: Mmm.. these shark heads look so shiny and delicious! [ giggles ]

Toshi Taguda: What’s that he’s soaking them in? Seaweed juice?

Hiroko Yamazaki: Yes.. it looks like a mixture of seaweed juice, sake, and pureed sparrow eyes.

Yakimuro Saijo: Mmm.. you don’t get food like that in prison, believe me..

[ the judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: The challenger is doing something very unusual.. He has placed a shark head on a round piece of bread.

Hey, Miuto! I found out what’s in the challenger’s dish!

Master of Ceremonies: Uh, yes. What is it?

The bread is called a bagel! The challenger has placed a shark head on the bagel, and is covering it with pizza sauce, and has crushed it up with Pringles and Velveeta!

American Bachelor Chef: I make these at the Superbowl every year, and I always get laid!

[ judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has begun a second dish! Mr. Mori Moru is using a very rare and expensive Japanese ingredient.

Toshi Taguda: Is that what I think it is?

Master of Ceremonies: Yes, eel farts.

Toshi Taguda: He’s infusing the rice with eel farts. Very impressive!

Yakimuro Saijo: I can smell them from here! It’s making me so hungry, I could murder someone!

[ the judges laugh ]

Master of Ceremonies: Settle down, famous murderer! You can taste the food, after this commercial.

[ cut to commercial starring Emeril ]

Emeril: Ladies, this is Emeril Legasse, saying breast cancer is a serious problem! Kick it up a notch, check for lumps – bam!!

[ cut back to “Iron Chef” ]

Master of Ceremonies: Iron Chef, do you feel confident about the dishes you are presenting?

Iron Chef Japanese: I have doen the best I can.

Master of Ceremonies: And how about you, American Bachelor Chef? Are you feeling confident?

American Bachelor Chef: Dude, I have no idea what you’re saying right now, but your face is cracking me up! [ laughs ]

Master of Ceremonies: The Iron Chef has prepared three dishes – Shark Head and Seaweed and Sparrow Eyes, Boiled Shark Head, and Shark Head Rice with Eel Farts.

Yakimuro Saijo: I love the seaweed juice, but I thought the eel farts were a little salty.

Yoko Akino: I agree. But I think the Boiled Shark Head is divine! I can’t stop eating it!

Master of Ceremonies: The challenger, also presenting three dishes – Shark Head Nachos, Mini Shark Head Pizzas, and Pillsbury Biscuits with Shark Head.

Hiroko Yamazaki: I am a fortune teller, and I predict these Shark Heads will go in my belly!

Yoko Akino: This pizza is so enticing and so aggressive. It reminds me of my hit song “Blue Jeans On Fire.” [ singing ] “Blue jeans on fire.. Chevrolet Elvis.. Blue jeans on fire.. New York, let’s go!” [ giggles ]

Toshi Taguda: I thought the Shark Head Nachos were delightful. It made me feel American, like I was a man with blue eyes, kissing a girl with a big ass.

Master of Ceremonies: And the winner is… American Bachelor Chef!

American Bachelor Chef: Suck on that, Speed Racer! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Master of Ceremonies: Alright, join us next time on “Iron Chef”, when the theme ingredient will be fish tumors. Good day!

SNL Transcripts

Palm Beach

Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer
Jeb Bush…..Val Kilmer
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Brokaw…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: When life is uncertain, and results are unclear.. then youmust be in Palm Beach..

[ cue title graphic, dissolve to George W, Al, Katherine Harris, Jeb, andFlorida Supreme Court, dissolve back to title graphic over image of GeorgeW. laughing behind Al’s back ]

[ open on Katherine Harris fixing herself a drink ]

Katherine Harris: Well, Jeb, with the Supreme Court’s ruling to stopthe recount, Al Gore is finally finished. It’s everything I’ve worked for.

Jeb Bush: And what about us, Katherine?

Katherine Harris: Us? [ laughs ] You silly boy! There never wasany “us”. What happened in the skybox at the Dolphins game was.. just afling. I’m gonna be an ambassador! Do you think I’d jeopardize my careerfor some beurocrat named “Jeb”? Ha!

Jeb Bush: It meant more to us than that. [ kisses Katherine ]

Katherine Harris: Stop, you’ll ruin my makeup.

Jeb Bush: Damn you, Katherine! Why.. I have half a mind togive your job back to Nikki Cox.

Katherine Harris: So go ahead. [ pause ] I didn’t think so. Alwaysthe conservative, aren’t you, Jeb?

George W. Bush: [ stumbles into the room ] Hey, hey, it’s me, hey..Uh, Jeb.. the computer’s doing that thing again. Can you fix it for me, so Ican finish my game of Tetris?

Jeb Bush: Of course, Georgie. [ to Katherine ] Even presidents needtheir computers. [ exits room ]

George W. Bush: Hey, Katherine. I’ve been thinking about my cabinet.Who do you think would make a better Secretary of the Interior – Nolan Ryanor The Rock?

Katherine Harris: [ sits him down on the couch ] You’re thinking toohard, George. [ massages his shoulders ] You look.. tense.

George W. Bush: Heck, I just can’t wait ’til all this President junkis over next week.. so I can go back to hunting and executing.

Katherine Harris: Next week? You know you have to President forfour years.

George W. Bush: [ angry ] What?! [ stands ] That blows!I’m gonna kill Dick Cheney! He told me it was like winning a fishingcontest – you win a trophy, you take your picture, and you’re done!

Katherine Harris: Don’t worry – it’ll go by fast, with me byyuor side.

Katherine Harris’ Thoughts: You’ve got him right where you want him,Katherine. [ laughs ]

George W. Bush’s Thoughts: The Rock is stronger. But Nolan Ryan’s wise.Presidenting is hard!

[ Katherine and George W. lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by thearrival of Al Gore ]

Al Gore: Hello, George W.! Hello, Katherine!

Katherine Harris: Al! I thought you were dead.

Al Gore: I’m Al Gore. I just appear to be that way.

George W. Bush: [ angry ] Hey, Al! I saw you on TV today! Youinterrupted the “Rugrats”!

Al Gore: That’s right, George W. I was accusing you of circumventingthe Democratic process in the name of personal ambition.

George W. Bush: [ laughs ] You said “circumventing”!

Al Gore: [ pours himself a drink ] Ms. Harris, isn’t it inappropriatefor you to be here?

Katherine Harris: Guess what, Al? I’m always gonna be here.Everywhere you turn, this face will be staring at you! [ smiles wickedly ]I’m gonna crush you!

Al Gore: Damn you, Woman! Not in front of the boy!

George W. Bush: [ sobbing ] Why are you yelling?! Be friends!

Katherine Harris: Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting JusticeScalia for cocktails at the Viscayne Club. [ exits ]

Al Gore: [ sighs, and walks towards George W. ] She’s a real pieceof work.

George W. Bush: Yeah. She’s a “circumvent”! [ laughs ] Right?

Jeb Bush: [ re-enters ] Hey, guys. Dick Cheney just had anotherheart attack..

George W. Bush: [ panics ] No-o-o! He promised he wouldn’t!First, Poppy with the hip replacement, now this! Where are all thegrown-ups? [ runs into the corner and cries ]

[ Al and Jeb sit on the couch ]

Al Gore: Jeb, let me ask you something. You seem to care a lot aboutthis country. When you saw your brother actually had a chance of winning,were you ever tempted to tell everyone how he’s.. well, you know.. “special”?

Jeb Bush: Shh.. I tried.. but believe me – the more people that learnedabout his disability, the more popular he became.. like Tom Arnold.

Al Gore: You’re a good man, Jeb.

Jeb Bush: Only by comparison. [ points to George W. in the corner ]

[ suddenly, Tom Brokaw enters the room ]

Tom Brokaw: Hello, Jeb. Hello, Al.

Jeb Bush: Tom! Tom Brokaw!

Al Gore: [ stands ] What are you doing here?

Tom Brokaw: Well, it was just announced that the Supreme Court willhear arguments Monday afternoon. And Sandra Day O’Conner is pregnant.. withJames Baker’s baby.

[ close-up of Al’s tightened, worried face ]

[ close-up of confused Jeb ]

[ close-up of George W. playing with a ball of yarn like a cat ]

God bless us all!

Al Gore: It’s this town! It’s.. it’s evil.. it’s.. [ singing ]“Palm Bea-each”!

[ fade to title graphic ]

Announcer: And so it goes, in the city called.. “Palm Beach”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Sports Century

Chris Fowler…..Chris Parnell
James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran…..Conan O’Brien
“Tiny” Jack O’Dowd…..Chris Kattan
Willie Pinckney…..Jerry Minor

(SportsCentury opening sequence)

Chris Fowler: When talking about the century’s greatest boxers, the names of Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, and Muhammad Ali come to mind. But true boxing fans may also recall a less celebrated heavyweight who dominated his sport, from 1912 to 1914. He’s James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran.

(dissolve to photo of a baby sporting a handlebar mustache)

Chris Fowler V/O: He was born James Finian Emmias Moore Garrity Corcorn in Chicago on July 19th, 1889 to an Irish Family.

(Dissolve to black and white film footage of Corcoran prancing about in a boxing ring)

Chris Fowler V/O: After spending his youth trapped in a vat in a meat packing plant, and the rest of his youth starving, Corcoran began boxing, and instantly developed an original pugilistic style that completely baffled his opponents

(Corcoran sits on a stool and talks to a group of reporters)

James Corcoran: : (with heavy Irish accent) The game of boxing requires a healthy diet and training regimen. That’s why each day, I drink thirty-eight quarts of beer and eat eight pounds of salted pork. Of course I rigorously avoid all sunlight and ventilation. Finally each month, without fail, I make sure I move my bowels.

(dissolve to photo of Corcoran holding back a young child with only one hand)

Chris Fowler V/O: Before long “The Gentleman Masher” ran up a string of amateur boxing championship victories over fierce opponents like Kid Regan, who was, in fact, a nine-year-old kid.

(dissolve to small boxing arena, where O’Dowd, and Corcoran are preparing to fight)

Chris Fowler V/O: In 1910, his first professional fight, James Corcoran: : knocked out British lightweight “Tiny” Jack O’Dowd, in a thriller for the ages.

(O’Dowd and Corcoran simply prance around, waving their fists at one-another, as the following round cards appear on the screen: )

Round 5
Round 12
Round 26
Round 31
Round 49
Round 65

(at this point, O’Dowd coughs and Corcoran seizes the opportunity, and lands the only punch of the fight, and knocks O’Dowd out cold)

(dissolve to a newspaper with a headline that reads “O’DOWD GOES DOWN IN 65”, which cuts to Corcoran sitting on the stool talking to more reporters)

Chris Fowler V/O: Corcoran’s victory established him and perhaps the very first trash-talker in sports history.

James Corcoran: : : To the next fighter against whom I spar, let me just say this: I’ll put corn in his muffin! I’ll crimson his face! I’ll butter his bean and serve it to him cold I will! Then I’ll deliver a blow to the mouth area, the blood from which will issue most copiously!

(Cut to old-tyme boxing footage of Jack Johnson fighting)

Chris Fowler V/O: But just two years later, African-American fighters were allowed in the ring, and Corcoran’s domination of the sport would be put to the test.

(Cut back to Corcoran sitting on the stool talking to the press)

James Corcoran: : : Believe you me, I find this son of Africa quite affable. But, still he must get a proper trashing. I plan to crimson his face with a series of dapper lefts, then bring issue to rest a powerful blow, upon his dark and mysterious brow. For as we all know, the muscular African is no match for the lanky, smooth-talking Irishman, and history will prove me correct!

(cut to same arena where the referee brings to two fighters together)

Chris Fowler V/O: On, May 6th, 1914, James Corcoran: : met his first black opponent in the ring: Willie Pinckney.

James Corcoran: : : (tauntingly) Come quickly Pinckney, it’s time for your thrashing! (to crowd) I’ll pepper your porridge!

(the bell sounds, and Pinckney begins rapidly punching Corcoran in the chest and once Corcoran moves to a corner, he begins to land a series of continuous punches to the face. With each punch Corcoran’s head snaps backwards and then comes back.)

James Corcoran: : : (protesting) I DO NOT LIKE THIS! THIS IS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF QUENSBERRY RULES!

(A newspaper appears with a headline that reads “COLORED MAN DEFEATS CORCORAN” at the bottom of the page a headline in smaller print reads “World War I Begins.” As the next line is read we see a series of photos showing Corcoran getting the stuffing beaten out of him.)

Chris Fowler V/O: James Corcoran: : ignored the advice of doctors, and attempted to make a comeback, but lost a record 247 fights in a row, all to black men.

(cut to boxing arena where we see Corcoran standing in a corner preparing to fight)

Chris Fowler V/O: Finally, it got to the point where Corcoran would begin bleeding before punches were even thrown.

(the bell rings and a stream of blood begins to flow down the front of Corcoran’s face)

James Corcoran: : : I’LL BASTE YOUR TURKEY!

(cut back to the SportsCentury studio)

Chris Fowler: Three years later, James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran’s career ended. But history will always remember him as a man who fostered a love and respect between Irish-Americans and black people that lasts until this day

(the screen behind Fowler shows a split-screen picture of Pat Buchanan and Sean “P. Diddy” Combs)

Chris Fowler: For SportsCentury, I’m Chris Fowler

Submitted by: Brian A. Henegar

SNL Transcripts