[a very hunky guy pulls up in a corvette, he wears a grey t-shirt, blue jeans, he stops the car and sits on top of the driver’s seat, a very pretty girl stands next to the car, she is wearing blue jeans, a white tank top, pink high heels]
Girl: You’re late…
Guy: So…thought we’d have a date?
Girl: So? I don’t feel like going out, I sort of have other plans…
Guy: Guess I should just leave.
Girl: I didn’t say that, just said I have other plans.
Guy: These uh “other plans”…do they include me?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: And you are saying you don’t want to go out.
Girl: Uh-uh.
Guy: So I guess we should go inside and…
Girl: What?
Both: And watch TV.
[scene freezes]
Announcer: General Dynamics…the leader in laser-guided technology.
SummaryA renaissance of comedy! Lorne Michaels returned as Producer of “Saturday Night Live” at the start of the 1985 season, but the results weren’t up to par. Lorne insisted that NBC give him one more chance to revive “SNL” before pulling the plug on it for good. “And, what can I tell you..?” The new faces elevated the show to higher points than its glory days an even-decade earlier. Nora Dunn, Jon Lovitz and Dennis Miller carried over from the previous season, and the new faces of Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks and Victoria Jackson gave the show new life, with odd characters and sinister impersonations of celebrities, politicians and people in the news. Phil Hartman is the chameleon of the new season, with Dana Carvey performing gonzo portrayals of real people. Jon Lovitz is still a liar, and Dennis Miller is still an anchorman, hosting the hippest “Weekend Update” of the eighties (Sorry, Charlie!). Watch “SNL” this season, and you’ll watch the show rediscover itself!
…..Anjelica Huston …..Anthony Michael Hall Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz …..Billy Martin
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Anjelica Huston!
Anjelica Huston: Thank you! Thank you, this is really a thrill for me, hosting the show. It’s my first time on live television, except, of course, at the Oscars. [ the audience applauds ] I have to say “Thank you.” – you saw it. Of course, I was tremendously honored, and belated, and everything else – uh, until the next morning when someone reminded me of the curse of the Oscars. Now, at first I thought that’s realy stupid. How could there be a curse on winning an Academy Award? Then, tonight, it hit me: I’m hosting “Saturday Night.” Anyway, I’ve never done this, I’ve never stood on a stage and actually told jokes. But I’m going to try. so here goes:
Imelda Marcos and Bob Geldof are on a raft. And their supplies are running out. Then they see a dock, so they paddle furiously —
[ cut to backstage, where Huston can be seen on a monitor delivering her monologue as Anthony Michael Hall walks down the corridor ]
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, she’s funny. [ stops when he ses Billy Martin dressing in front of a locker ] Angelica’s doing great, huh? She’s really beautiful.
Billy Martin: She is.
Anthony Michael Hall: Is she the host tonight, Billy? Because I thought you were.
Billy Martin: We kinda both are – I guess.
Anthony Michael Hall: I think it’s great that you’re here, you know, and that, uh, Lorne and the show is taking such a big risk on you.
Billy Martin: Oh, thanks.
Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah. Oh, I hate to ask you this, Billy, but could you do me a favor, man? [ pulls a baseball out of his inside jacket pocket ] Could you autograph this ball?
Billy Martin: Oh sure, I’d be glad to. Hey, this is an old one, isn’t it?
Anthony Michael Hall: Yeah, it’s the third home run ball that Reggie hit in the ’77 World Series. You remember that?
Billy Martin: Yeah. Did you catch this ball?
Anthony Michael Hall: No, no. Actually, my businessman bought the ball. My business manager – excuse me, Billy. At an auction. so, uh – yeah, it’s kind of an investment thing.
Billy Martin: Oh, I see. [ signs the ball ]
[ fake audience laughter can be heard from the inside studio ]
Anthony Michael Hall: So, you managing a team now, Billy?
Billy Martin: No, not at this moment.
Anthony Michael Hall: Why? Because nobody wants you, and they feel you can’t hold down a job?
Billy Martin: You know, it’s a good thing I’ve changed. The old self-destructive Billy Martin would have punched a guy out for saying something like that.
Anthony Michael Hall: Sorry, Billy.
Billy Martin: Aw, it’s okay. I have a new attitude these days. I had some time to reflect on things, get a new outlook, met a wonderful woman —
Anthony Michael Hall: Alright!
Billy Martin: I’ll tell you – my whole life’s in upswing now. I’ve wrassled with my demons, and I’ve won.
Anthony Michael Hall: Oh, that’s great! I’m really glad to hear that, Billy. I need that ball back, and that pen. [ Billy returns the items ] Thanks for the autograph, Billy, I gotta run! [ exits corridor ]
Billy Martin: You’re welcome. You’re welcome.
[ suddenly, Mephistopheles materializes behind Billy ]
Billy Martin: You again?
Mephistopheles: Yes, Billy. Nice to see you. [ notices the laughter coming from the studio ] Well, you’ve sunk to a new low, hosting a comedy show.
Billy Martin: Hey, I’m having a good time out here. They’re really nice to me.
Mephistopheles: You’d better face facts, Billy – they only invited you here to humiliate you. They just want to see how far they can push you before you explode.
Billy Martin: That’s not true. The producer here likes me. You know, Lorne Michaels knows that a man can change.
[ audience applause can be heard from the inside studio, as Huston enters the corridor and stops next to Billy ]
Billy Martin: You look like you went over big out there!
Anjelica Huston: Well, God, I was so nervous at first, but then it was like the audience reached out and embraced me. I’ve never felt such warmth and affection and.. approval. I was just basking in it!
Billy Martin: Well, good for you.
Anjelica Huston: Well, I hope you weren’t offended by that joke I did – I mean, you know, about how you can’t hold down a job?
Billy Martin: Oh, I know that, I —
Anjelica Huston: It wasn’t anything personal.
Billy Martin: Oh, I know. I know. Yeah.
Anjelica Huston: Well, I just can’t tell you what a charge– that is. Live TV!
Billy Martin: Yeah! And you’re gonna see a new Billy Martin tonight.
Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack Supporter #2…..Billy Martin Supporter #3…..Danita Vance Leader…..Nora Dunn Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr. Supporter…..Terry Sweeney
FADE IN:
[ PROMOTIONAL FOOTAGE from VOICES OF AMERICA’S “HANDS ACROSS AMERICA” MUSIC VIDEO ]
Chorus: [singing] “Hands Across America Hands across the land I love Divided We Fall United We Stand Hands Across America”
[ EXT. TEXAS – DAY ]
[ SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN WEST TEXAS ]
Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!
[ The crowd cheers. ]
Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?
Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”
Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…
Supporter #2: Homeless?
Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.
Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.
[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]
Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?
Supporter #3: I’m sorry…
Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.
Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.
Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?
Supporter #2: No.
Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.
Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.
Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?
Supporter #2: Yep.
Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?
Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.
Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!
Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!
Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?
Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!
Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ]
[ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ]
[ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ]
[ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]
Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.
Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.
Tracy: Oh, come on!
Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.
Tracy: Well, thanks.
Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?
Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.
Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?
Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.
Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.
Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.
Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?
Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.
Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.
Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —
Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.
Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.
Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.
Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!
[ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]
Dana: Hello there!
Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!
Dana: Hi!
Colonel Sanders: Hi.
Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!
Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?
Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —
Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!
Billy Martin: I had two beers!
Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!
Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!
Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!
Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!
[ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ]
[ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]
Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ]
[ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 11: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 24th, 1986 Anjelica Huston Billy Martin George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic None Lorne Michaels
Hands Across AmericaSummary: While running a cross-country sprint, one-legged Kevin Brennan (Randy Quaid) hits a roadblock in the form of a chain of Hands Across America participants who won’t let him through. Transcript
Montage
Anjelica Huston’s MonologueSummary: Anjelica Huston attempts to tell a joke while, backstage, Billy Martin assures Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) that he’s a changed man. Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles. Transcript
The People’s Second Choice AwardsSummary: America’s favorite runner-ups are saluted by emcee Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid). Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.
Moments of DoubtSummary: While having breakfast together, a husband (Randy Quaid0, his wife (Anjelica Huston), their daughter (Joan Cusack) and the family dog contemplate the idea that they may have wasted their lives.
Glamourous DrinkingSummary: Lorne Michaels introduces a sketch that was cut from last week’s show because it glamourized drinking.
National Council of Liquor and SpiritsSummary: (Randy Quaid) offers a rebuttal to the previous sketch.
Actors on FilmSummary: Jimmy Chance (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Ashley Ashley (Nora Dunn) praise the off-camera acting not seen in “Witness.” Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.
Hallmark Organized Crime CardsSummary: Maerose Prizzi (Anjelica Huston) reads from a selection of Hallmark’s Organized Crime greeting card collection.
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Let’s Take it to the Stage”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken returns to comment on the Al Franken Decade and to urge viewers to see his new movie, “One More Saturday Night.” A. Whitney Brown delivers The Big Picture on the uninformed Class of 1986. Father Guido Sarducci narrates as the Weekend Update Dancers emulate the Statue of Liberty. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Lesbian BarSummary:
Bocce Ball My WaySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) plugs his how-to video. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Tempting BillySummary: Billy Martin objects when Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) hides alcohol in his wardrobe. Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles. Note: At one point, Jon Lovitz simultaneously performs his Mephistopheles and Tommy Flanagan characters. Transcript
Damon Wayans Stand-UpSummary: Damon Wayons returns to Studio 8-H to perform stand-up about racism in America and one-liners from his childhood insult contests. Note: Damon Wayans returns as a guest just two months after being fired from “SNL” for improvising in the “Mr. Monopoly” sketch. Note: In the “Live From, New York” book, Damon Wayans incorrectly remembers this performance as taking place on the episode hosted by Dudley Moore four months earlier, and having felt self-concious about doing a clubfoot joke in Moore’s presence.
Book MinuteSummary: (Danitra Vance) has updated the nursery rhymes of Mother Goose to reflect upon the realism of growing up in the ghetto.
LaBelles at the MoviesSummary: Patti LaBelle (Terry Sweeney) and her aunt (Danitra Vance) talk loudly to one another in a crowded movie theater.
My FriendSummary: Tracy (Joan Cusack) tells Dana (Danitra Vance) about her close, personal friend, Colonel Sanders (Billy Martin), then introduces her when he drops by for a visit. The sketch is unfortunately ruined when a drunken Billy Martin slurs his lines, so Lorne Michaels comes out and fires him on live television. Transcript
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Do Fries Go With That Shake”
GoodnightsSummary: After being fired, Billy Martin decides to set the studio on fire and take the show with him. Lorne Michaels hurriedly rescues his star performer, Jon Lovitz, before letting the remainder of the cast perish in the flames. Will other cast members survive? Tune in October 11th to find out! Note: Brandon Tartikoff had made up his mind to cancel “SNL” once and for all after this lackluster season, but Lorne Michaels pleaded for – and won – one final chance to revive the show. Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller escaped the fire and returned with Jon Lovitz the following season. Transcript
JIMMY BRESLIN, still dressed as Auric Goldfinger from the previous sketch but without the blazer or wig, stands on home base.
Jimmy Breslin: Ladies and gentleman — Level 42!
[ Breslin points his entire right arm to the musical stage and faces it. The camera slowly pans over to LEVEL 42 (composed of lead vocalist/bassist Mark King, keyboardist Mike Lindup, guitarist Boon Gould, drummer Phil Gould, guest saxophonist Krys Mach and guest vocalist Annie McCaig) begin playing Something About You. Breslin stands at home base motionless. Before the camera gets away from any view of home base, a stage hand motions for Breslin to come backstage. Breslin scurries off. King plays the opening bass riff over and over. ]
Mark King: [singing] How How can it be? That a love Carved out of caring Fashioned by fate Could suffer so hard From the games Played much too often But making mistakes Is a part Of life’s imperfections Born of the years Is it so wrong To be human after all?
Level 42: [singing] Born into the stream Of undefined illusion Those diamond rings They can’t disguise the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing] That there is something about you, Baby, so right I couldn’t be here without you, Baby, tonight
Mark King: [singing] If ever our love Was concealed No one can say That we didn’t feel A million things And a perfect dream of life Gone Fragile but free We remain Tender together If not so in love It’s not so wrong We’re only human after all
Level 42: [singing] These changing years They add to your confusion Oh and you need to hear The time that told the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing] Because theres something about you, The way you are so right (Baby) I couldn’t live without you (I couldn’t live without you) Baby, here tonight
[The audience cheers and applauds. Mark King smiles and nods on behalf of the band. Dissolve to Edie Baskins portrait of Level 42s four main members — posing on the main floor at the center of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.]FADE OUT
Air Date:
