Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



A Film By:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

November 8th, 1975

Candice Bergen

Esther Phillips

Andy Kaufman

The Muppets

Albert Brooks

Andrew Duncan

Neil Levy

Al Franken

Tom Davis



Season 1: Order Now! The President of the United StatesSummary: Chevy Chase debuts his impression of Gerald R. Ford, as the accident-prone president stumbles his way through a speech he delivers directly to the “Saturday Night Live” audience.

Note: The running gag in which President Ford encounters one malady after another stems from a June 1st, 1975 incident in Salzburg, Austria, when he slipped on a wet ramp while exiting Air Force One. These episodes are especially fun to look back on, when there were no cell phones, laptops, any way to generate QR code numbers for your devices. Seems very innocent now.

Transcript

MontageNote: In the early days, the cast was only listed by name, four at a time on two title cards. Only the second title card, containing the names Garrett Morris, Michael O’Donaghue, Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner appears in the opening credits this week.

Candice Bergen’s MonologueSummary: As Candice Bergen, SNL’s first woman host, tells the audience about tonight’s great show, a bee (John Belushi) appears on stage and grabs her hand. Chevy Chase approaches to swat the bee with a newspaper, but Candice objects, despite her allergies. Naturally, Chevy swats the bee anyway.

Recurring Characters: Bee.

Bio: Candice Bergen (1946-). Actress; daughter of Edgar Bergen, ventriloquist to Charlie McCarthy; film credits include: “Carnal Knowledge” (1971), “Rich and Famous” (1981); starred in CBS sitcom “Murphy Brown”, 1988-98; starred on “Boston Legal”, since 2005.

Also Hosted: 75h, 76j, 87e, 89t.

Transcript

Ambassador Training InstituteSummary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: One NBC affiliate switched to local commercials during this ad parody because they believed it was a real ad.

Transcript

CIA RecordsSummary: At the disheveled offices of the CIA, an employee (Dan Aykroyd) can’t seem to find the career criminal file belonging to Garrett Morris.

Transcript

Jaws IISummary: In this film spoof, the “cleverest species of them all” – the Land Shark (Chevy Chase) terrorizes young woman in their homes, luring them to the door by pretending to deliver flowers and Candygrams. Matt Hooper (John Belushi) and Sheriff Brody (Dan Aykroyd) survey the bodily damages.

Recurring Characters: Land Shark, Matt Hooper, Sheriff Brody.

Transcript

Esther Phillips performs “What a Difference a Day Makes”Bio: Esther Phillips (1935-1984). Soul songstress; covered songs from nearly every musical genre of the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Chevy Chase makes faces behind congresswoman Jane Curtin’s back as she delivers an editorial reply against federal aid to New York City. As a public service to viewers who have difficulty hearing, Garrett Morris, the headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, repeats the evening’s top story.

Long-DistanceSummary: As he makes a long-distance call to his mother, a gay man reminisces about the joy’s of dressing in her clothes. After all, it’s “the next best thing to being her.”

Note: This ad parody angered The Gay Activists Alliance during its initial broadcast. It was edited out of a late-night classic rebroadcast on NBC in 2005, and replaced with a repeat of the Triopenin ad parody.

ChanelSummary: With her face leaning against the bottle, French actress Catherine Deneuve (Bergen) endorses the perfume that helps her cope with her own fame.

Andy KaufmanSummary: Andy Kaufman enters as his Foreign Man character. He attempts to tell a joke, perform impressions, dance and sing, but he bombs so terribly that he wishes the cameras weren’t rolling. After breaking into a nervous crying fit, he plays the bongos to the audience’s delight.

Transcript

InsecuritiesSummary: Candice Bergen and Gilda Radner discuss their insecurities, prior to introducing this week’s film by Albert Brooks.

NBC Super SeasonSummary: Albert Brooks gives us a look at some mid-season replacement shows waiting to be broadcast on NBC – the dramatic “Medical Season”, the wild comedy sex farce “The Three Of Us”, and the racially-tense “Black Vet.”

Transcript

Midnight ProbeSummary: Candice Bergen interviews sadistic kiwi trappers Dennis X (Dan Aykroyd) & Anthony Q (John Belushi).

AttractiveSummary: Chevy Chase and girlfriend Jaqueline Carlin don’t need to use products to be attractive to one another.

Note: This piece was edited out of a late-night classic rebroadcast on NBC in 2005.

Transcript

Trans American AirlinesSummary: A sadistic gentleman (Michael O’Donoghue) crank calls the receptionist (Laraine Newman) for Trans American Airlines.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: The Glig population is down to its last two, so Scred (Jerry Nelson) & Ploobis (Jim Henson) seek the advice of the Mighty Favog (Frank Oz) for a solution.

Practical JokesSummary: Reporting from a third world country, Candice Bergen plays practical jokes on its leader (John Belushi) during a controversial interview.

Black PerspectiveSummary: Garrett Morris interviews Jane Curtin, a white woman who passes herself off as am expert black female authoress.

Transcript

PongSummary: With only the Pong game screen in view as they play, Al Franken and Tom Davis discuss bringing the Al’s girlfriend home to meet his parents for Thanksgiving.

Esther Phillips performs “I Can Stand a Little Rain”Lyrics

GoodnightsNote: The cast joins the host on the stage for the Goodnights for the first time, a tradition that would last throughout the show’s run.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Trans American Airlines

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Man … Michael O’Donoghue
Receptionist … Laraine Newman

[Fade in on a dingy apartment house hallway. Abearded, bespectacled man in a cheap green jacketwalks calmly down a flight of stairs to a pay phone onthe opposite wall. He drops in a dime, dials a number,and leans against the wall, his face turned to thecamera. He waits expectantly as the phone rings. Longstrands of hair hang awkwardly over his left ear. In asplit-screen, the call is answered by a nicely-dressedreceptionist at an airport ticket counter. A sign behind herreads “Trans American Airlines.”]

Receptionist: [pleasantly professional, with a smile]Good evening. Trans American Airlines.

Man: [in a low voice, occasionally flashing aslight, psychotic grin] Do you know what I’d like todo to you, lady? I’d like to stick tacks in your neck.[her face slowly begins to fall] Then I’d like to takea chain saw and run it down your spine. Then I’d liketo throw garbage at your face. [by now, she isfrowning unhappily] Then I’d like to rent a truck,fill it full of scrap metal and park it on yourkneecaps. Then I’d like to hit you in the lungs with ashovel, throw more garbage at your face, and then I’dlike to lop off your thumbs with a grapefruit knife.Good-bye. [grins]

Receptionist: [pleasantly, with a forced smile]Good-bye, and thank you for calling TransAmerican.

[Both parties hang up: the man blissful and satisfied,the receptionist disturbed and uneasy. Dissolve to theapplauding audience in the Studio 8Hbalcony.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Ambassador Training Institute

Husband … Dan Aykroyd
Wife … Laraine Newman
Pitchman … Andrew Duncan

[In a kitchen, a wife serves her husbanddinner.]

Husband: [disgruntled] Sandwiches againtonight?

Wife: You know I can’t stretch the foodbudget any further! Why don’t you get a betterjob?

[Through the magic of Chroma-Key technology, apitchman appears – superimposed over this kitchenscene – and addresses the camera.]

Pitchman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere,do-nothing job? If so, this is your chance to start anexciting career in the world of internationaldiplomacy as an ambassador to a foreign country — byenrolling now at the Ambassador Training Institute.

[After a glimpse of the ATI logo (a shield with aneagle, a dollar bill, and a crossed knife and fork),we dissolve to stock footage of horse-drawn carriages,diplomats shaking hands, tables laden with food,etc.]

Ambassadors live in luxury and get to mingle withglamorous celebrities, royalty, and the social elite.And they don’t have to pick up after themselves.Ambassadors have a lot of prestige and influence. Theyput in long hours without working hard. And they’reoften the center of attention. And the food?Fantastic! Ambassadors dine on the finest gourmet foodat big fancy dinner parties in palaces, in embassiesand trade centers.

[Back to the pitchman.]

To see if you qualify for a career in diplomacy, takethis easy test, right now, in the privacy of your ownhome. Listen closely. You are having dinner with someforeign dignitaries and someone says somethinganti-American. You:

(A) Shoot him and create an internationalincident.

(B) Pretend you did not hear it and ask him to passthe sweet and sour shrimp.

You’d be surprised how many people say “A” — but ifyou said “B,” then you have the ability to make quickdecisions on your feet. When you enroll at AmbassadorTraining Institute, you’ll learn how to accept giftsgraciously, how to propose toasts. You’ll use phraseslike: “Delighted to see you again!” “I’ll ask theSecretary of State.” and “Pass the sweet and sourshrimp.”

Now, here’s how to get your free booklet. Just sendthree hundred thousand dollars and the name of thecountry to which you’d like to be ambassador to:Illegal Campaign Contributions, Ambassador TrainingInstitute, Mexico City, Mexico.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Attractive

…..Chevy Chase
…..Jacqueline Carlin

[ open on attractive couple walking arm-in-arm through Central Park ]

[ they walk through a tunnel ]

[ they take a boat ride through the lagoon ]

[ they smile as they watch a passing parade ]

[ they grab a frankfurter from a cart vendor ]

[ they continue to stroll through the park arm-in-arm, smiling all the way ]

Announcer: Neither of these people use any commercial product to make themselves more attractive to each other.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: 1975-1976




Season 1: Order Now!

DVD Review

Starring:

Dan Aykroyd

John Belushi

Chevy Chase

George Coe (last: 10/18/75)

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Laraine Newman

Michael O’Donoghue (last: 10/18/75)

Gilda Radner

Written by:

Anne Beatts

Chevy Chase

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Lorne Michaels

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Garrett Morris

Michael O’Donoghue

Herb Sargent

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Episodes

10/11/75: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

10/18/75: Paul Simon / Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow

10/25/75: Rob Reiner

11/08/75: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

11/15/75: Robert Klein / ABBA, Loudon Wainwright III

11/22/75: Lily Tomlin

12/13/75: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

12/20/75: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

01/10/76: Elliott Gould / Anne Murray

01/17/76: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

01/24/76: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

01/31/76: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

02/14/76: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

02/21/76: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

02/28/76: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone, The Singing Idlers

03/13/76: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

04/17/76: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

04/24/76: Raquel Welch / Phoebe Snow, John Sebastian

05/08/76: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

05/15/76: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

05/22/76: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

05/29/76: Elliott Gould / Leon Redbone, Harlan Collins & Joyce Everson

07/24/76: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Summary   Lorne Michaels had a vision: to bring live late-night comedy/variety totelevision. NBC was playing reruns of “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson” on Saturday nights, but wanted to feature new programming instead. And so, “Saturday Night Live” was born, albeit under the name “NBC’s Saturday Night”, since sportscaster Howard Cosell was already using the name for his prime-time comedy/variety show. To mock him even further, Michaels dubbed his cast members “The Not Ready For Prime Time Players”, after Cosell’s own “Prime Time Players”.

   Despite the overabundance of material for the first show (which included two musical guests, an Albert Brooks film, a Muppets piece and several commercial parodies), “SNL” found a vacancy in viewers’ eyes. As standard throughout the years that followed, “SNL” beat the competition, and the only thing to survive Cosell’s show was a young comedian named Billy Murray, who would join the successful NBC comedy program during its second season.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:





A Film By:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 11th, 1975

George Carlin

Billy Preston

Janis Ian

Andy Kaufman

The Muppets

Valri Bromfield

Albert Brooks

Paul Simon

Andrew Duncan

Jacqueline Carlin

Richard Belzer

Wendy Craig

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura

Al Franken



Season 1: Order Now! WolverinesSummary: SNL’s inaugural sketch features a teacher (Michael O’Donaghue) tutoring English to an immigrant student (John Belushi). Eager to learn, the immigrant mimics his teacher down to the finest detail. Chevy Chase appears as a stagehand at the end.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo accidentally misannounces the cast as The Not For Ready Prime Time Players.

George Carlin’s MonologueSummary: After entering the stage through the audience, Carlin recites “Baseball and Football” from his new album “An Evening with Wally Londo, Featuring Bill Slazso”.

Note: Carlin wanted to wear a t-shirt, but the network wanted him to wear a suit. As a compromise, Carlin wore a vest and jacket over his t-shirt, and hosted the show while reportedly stoned out of his mind.

Note: Carlin only appears on stage to perform stand-up or introduce the evening’s musical guests.

Bio: George Carlin (1937-2008). Comedian; SNL’s first-ever host; performed “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” routine on 1972 comedy album, “Class Clown”.

Also Hosted: 84e.

Transcript

New Dad InsuranceSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Bio: Jacqueline Carlin. Model; while girlfriend to Chevy Chase, appeared infrequently on SNL in scenes with him; married Chase in 1976, divorced in 1980.

Transcript

Billy Preston performs “Nothing From Nothing”Bio: Billy Preston (1946-). Musician; an organ and piano prodigy with roots in gospel music; often considered the fifth Beatle for his back-up work on their “Let It Be” album.

Lyrics

The CourtroomSummary: A rape victim (Jane Curtin) testifies in court, but can’t bare to repeat the lewd suggestion posed by her attacker. Instead, the pertinent evidence is written on a piece of paper and passed among the jury.

Transcript

Andy KaufmanSummary: Kaufman at first appears nervous, then calmly turns on a recording of the “Mighty Mouse” theme song and lip-syncs a single key lyric.

Note: With the show running long at dress rehearsal, it was suggested that Lorne Michaels cut Kaufman’s performance. He chose to cut a stand-up routine from Billy Crystal instead. Though peeved, Crystal did return later in the season to do another stand-up act.

Bio: Andy Kaufman (1949-84). Comedian; performed eccentric bits that often involved playing with his audience’s heads; on television, he played mechanic Latka Gravas on “Taxi”, 1978-83; portrayed by Jim Carrey in the 1999 bio-pic “Man on the Moon.”

Also Appeared: 75c, 75d, 75o, 76k, 77c, 77g, 77m, 78m, 79b, 79h, 81j, 81s.

Cameos: 79e, 82g, 82j.

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up ISummary: Carlin performs some observational stand-up prior to introducing Janis Ian.

Transcript

Janis Ian performs “At Seventeen”Bio: Janis Ian (1951-). Singer-songwriter; burst onto the music scene at age 15, only to disappear from the charts for nearly a decade; her songs specialized in taboo subject matter.

Lyrics

Victims Of Shark BiteSummary: Martin Gresner (John Belushi) claims his limbs have been bitten off by sharks.

Transcript

JamitolSummary: Chevy Chase and Michael O’Donaghue portray a married couple, whose lives have been enrichened by using the advertised product.

Transcript

Next WeekSummary: Paul Simon announces that he’s hosting the show next week.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Anchorman Chevy Chase talks dirty on the phone before commenting on events in the news, while correspondent Laraine Newman reports on the latest murder to occur at the Blaine Motel.

Note: Weekend Update has undergone many personnel – and, on occasion, title – changes over the years, but has remained the one segment that appears on every episode of “Saturday Night Live.”

Transcript

TriopeninSummary: Product’s child-proof safety cap prevents arthritis medicine from being used.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Muppets Ploobis (Jim Henson) & Scred (Jerry Nelson) visit the Mighty Favog (Frank Oz).

Note: The Muppets account for one of the strangest periods in SNL history, their appearance on the show a result of Jim Henson trying to shop out his puppets to adult audiences prior to producing “The Muppet Show.” They were generally disliked by the cast and writers, often dumped upon Al Franken, Tom Davis and Alan Zwiebel to be written for. When referring to the Muppets, Michael O’Donaghue was often quoted as saying, “I won’t write for felt.”

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up IISummary: Carlin’s stand-up topics range from the mysterious blue food to a round of oxymorons, before introducing a film by Albert Brooks.

Transcript

“The Impossible Truth”Summary: Albert Brooks reports unlikely news items in his short film.

Note: Albert Brooks was offered the opportunity to host SNL every week. Because he wanted to write and produce short films instead, he suggested that the show use a different host each week. Being from California, Brooks failed to see the merit of doing a live show, suggesting instead that they tape the show twice without stopping tape earlier in the day, and playing the best of both performances in the show’s time slot. Though the show is filmed live each week, the dress rehearsals and live performances would often be edited together for repeats aired later in the season.

Transcript

Bee HospitalSummary: Upon birth, bee fathers are informed of their newborns’ ranks in the hive.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Note: There was little audience reaction to the sketch, which writers blamed on a faulty PA system. Even though the network advised no more Bee sketches, Lorne Michaels thought the bit was funny and original and insisted on bringing the Bees back each week, making them SNL’s first recurring characters.

Transcript

Academy of Better CareersSummary: Now you can be a stand-by operator, too.

Transcript

Valri BromfieldSummary: Comedian Valri Bromfield mimics a teacher and a volleyball player in her routine.

Bio: Valri Bromfield (1949-). Comedienne; partnered as a comedy team with Dan Aykroyd before they joined the first Toronto company of the Second City; later produced “The Kids in the Hall” for Lorne Michaels.

Transcript

Show Us Your GunsSummary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms.

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up IIISummary: Carlin’s final round of stand-up focuses on God and religion.

Transcript

Billy Preston performs “Fancy Lady”Lyrics

Trojan Horse Home SecuritySummary: Home security technician Kenny Vorstrather (Dan Aykroyd) breaks into a couple’s (John Belushi, Gilda Radner) house to demonstrate how vulnerable they are to a home invasion.

Transcript

Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.

Note: By the 1990’s, three-blade razors became a reality on the consumer market.

Transcript

Janis Ian performs “In The Winter”Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Bee Hospital

Written by: Rosie Shuster

Nurse #1…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Bee #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Nurse #2…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Bee #2…..Garrett Morris
Nurse #3…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Bee #3…..John Belushi
Mr. Bee #4…..Chevy Chase

[ open on “Bee Hospital” title card, over organ-flavored soap opera music ]

Announcer: and now we return to “Bee Hospital.”

[ dissolve to Bee Hospital waiting room, as prospective bee dads pace around one another ]

[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby bee ]

Nurse #1: Mr. Bee!

Mr. Bee #1: Yes?

Nurse #1: Congratulations! It’s a drone!

Mr. Bee #1: It’s a drone! It’s a drone!

[ the other Bees congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Bee #1 follows Nurse #1 out of the scene ]

[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #2 enters carrying baby ]

Nurse #2: Mr. Bee?

Mr. Bee #2: Yes?

Nurse #2: Congratulations! It’s a drone!

Mr. Bee #2: It’s a drone! It’s a drone!

[ the other Bees congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Bee #2 follows Nurse #2 out of the scene ]

[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #3 enters carrying baby ]

Nurse #3: Mr. Bee?

Mr. Bee #3: Yes?

Nurse #3: Congratulations! It’s a worker!

Mr. Bee #3: [ on the verge of disappointment ] It’s a worker?

Other Bees: Hey, it’s a worker. It’s a worker.

Mr. Bee #3: [ happily ] Awwww, it’s a worker!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Thus, concludes this week’s chapter of “Bee Hospital.” And, now, a scene from next week’s episode of “Bee Hospital.”

[ dissolve back to the Bee Hospital waiting room, as the prospective bee dads continue to pace around one another ]

[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby bee ]

Nurse #1: Mr. Bee?

Me. Bee #4: Yes?

Nurse #1: Congratulations, Mr. Bee, it’s a queen!

[ the full group of Bees cheer triumphantly ]

[ dissolve back to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Valri Bromfield

….. Valri Bromfield

[ FADE IN on an empty home base ]

Don Pardo (V/O): And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield!

[ Bromfield enters to applause. She is a thin, pale woman in a pink shirt and a black skirt ]

Valri Bromfield: I don’t look like a comedian, do I? (starts talking rapidly like a strict school teacher) That’s because I’m not, I’m a school teacher, and I’m going to need a lot of silence in this room if I’m going to talk. (claps three times) People people people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?! All right people, let’s bring you out of the suburbs and into the city. I’d like to have a few words with you. (casually bites her pinky finger nail) Okay, okay, people…now…today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people, and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup. (talks to an off-screen “student”) The principal is a what? Is this a French film I’m living in, people? Please! I have a few points and I’d like to make them! (chews on pinky nail again) Okay, well…first of all, we’re in our lovely gym togs and I’d like to keep them looking lovely and crisp. Turquiose and white are a very good combination. But, keep the box pleat nice and neat. Don’t sit down during the game. And another thing people, please, two points I’d like to make here. (crosses her arms over her breasts) Dress shields, girls, dress shields. Just for that little extra freshness. Oh, and people, the hair-styles are very very nice indeed, but let’s keep them back off the eyes, okay? I’ve got some hairnets here…(responds to some imaginary student jeering)…”oohhh” yourselves! Now, people, I’ve got team captain Debbie here. She’d like to have a few words with you before the game, okay? Debbie? (she motions to her left and becomes Debbie, a typical ditzy Valley Girl type) Okay, shut up…(audience applauds) Okay, so we’re going to have a game and everything, I guess, or I wouldn’t be wearing these things! Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is to go out there and be really, really cute, okay? Cause we are really cute. And listen to me, there’s something really great – there’s some guys out there that are such duh’s, you wouldn’t believe! There’s Jimmy and Mark and Connor…and when I think about the guys…I CAN’T GO OUT THERE!! (goes back to normal voice) Have a great game.

[ Valri waves to audience as they applaud. Piano music plays. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Academy of Better Careers

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Woman … Gilda Radner
Salesman …Wendy Craig
Lecturer … George Coe
Instructor … Jane Curtin
Woman with book … Jacqueline Carlin

[Phone rings in someone’s home. A woman picks up.]

Woman: Hello?

[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]

Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call,you have qualified for a challenging new career thatcould earn you up to eighty dollars a day!

Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens withinterest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]

Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of latenight TV ads for so-called training schools hascreated a demand for skilled phone answerers to takecalls and write down messages? It’s true. Thecountless schools and institutions that teach youcomputer programming, motel management, airportsurveillance and diesel mechanics — to name but a few– desperately need operators to stand by at the endof their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads:Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company]– the Academy of Better Careers — offers you thechance to become one of these sought after, high paidstand-by operators.

[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full ofpeople practicing the fine art of picking up atelephone receiver and saying “Hello” — an instructorcoaches one of the students but the rest are on theirown, picking up receivers and putting them down.]

Salesman: You’ll learn the latest up to the minutephone answering techniques from our staff ofexperienced instructors.

[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads acolorful children’s book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND.It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone onthe cover.]

Salesman: You’ll explore the telephone — its past,its present — and even the amazing picture phones ofthe future.

[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses apointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which arelisted “AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS” such as CEYLON -94; CHAD – 235; CHILE – 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTARICA – 506.]

Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show youeverything you need to know to answer phonesprofessionally.

Lecturer: Ceylon – nine, four. Chad…

[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone,still listening intently to the salesman.]

Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Boardof Public Instruction and is eligible under theStudent–

Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.

Salesman: But where are you going?

Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a soughtafter, high paid stand-by operator!

[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. Shestarts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappearsin a superimposed square, inset next to her.]

Salesman: Hey! Don’t let life put you on hold![Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down hercup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-byoperator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposedtext reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311)555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.]That’s (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by totake your call.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up I

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ mimes trumpet ]

How many of you have heard this in your home: “Where’s the good scissors? I can’t keep anything nice in this house.”

Here’s another thing you don’t hear at home, mostly guys say this: “Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!” “Which one?” “This week’s underwear.”

Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they’re dead yet? I can’t help it.

Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can’t do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. “Hey, uh.. your wastebasket is in the garbage here!”

Check this out. When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there’s always one weird piece of bacon. [ leans back and stretches his arms out ]

What do dogs do on their day off? They can’t lie around, that’s their job, man!

As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There’ll be lots of places later they’ll be searching us, but the airport is where they’re kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there’s no weapons. “Don’t want any weapons on the plane! you know.” They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: “No weapons! Let ’em on!” Yuo get on the plane, and you’re clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess’s head and threaten paper cuts! “Do what he says! Do what he says!”

Oh.. there’s a moment.. coming. There’s a moment coming, it’s.. it’s not here yet. It’s on the way.. It’s still in the future. Here.. here it is! [ a beat ] Oh.. it’s gone, man. There’s no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can’t get anything together, we’ve got no time, huh?

SNL Transcripts