Category: 2020

Impeachment Fantasy Cold Open

John Roberts… Mikey Day

Judge Mathis… Kenan Thompson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

John Bolton… Cecily Strong

Hunter Biden… Pete Davidson

Donald J. Trump… Alec Baldwin

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: After a months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump wound up consisting of two weeks of dry debate and posturing and will conclude without any witness testimony or new evidence. For those hoping for more, here is… THE TRIAL YOU WISH HAD HAPPENED!

[Cut to John Roberts in his chair hitting the gavel]

John Roberts: Order! Order in the chamber.

[cheers and applause]

I am Chief Justice John Roberts and I will be overseeing these proceedings with complete dis-interest.

[Judge Mathis walks in]

Judge Mathis: The hell you will be.

John Roberts: Oh! Judge Mathis?

Judge Mathis: That’s right. This court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt. Scoot!

John Roberts: Okay, do you want my gavel?

Judge Mathis: Fool! I brought my own. Watch out!

[John Roberts leaves. Judge Mathis sits on the chair.]

Now, we about to do this trial right. Where is that sneaky little Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell walking in the courtroom through the door]

Mitch McConnell: Yes. Hello, I’m a sneaky little Mitch your honor. And I just want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You mean, until proven guilty.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha-ha. Sure.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. Let’s get Trump’s defense out here. Where is Lindsey Graham?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham walking in the courtroom through the door]

Lindsey Graham: Thank you your honor. [walks straight to a podium] Now, I may be a simple country but I have studied this from top to bottom. And I don’t see any other option.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You studied the case?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: No. I studied my chances of getting reelected and it ain’t gonna happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s skirts and tickle his biscuits. And that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent, or my name is not Lindsey Valery Bobragart Matlock Graham.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you’re not worried about how this will go down in history?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: Look, where I come from, we have our own history books and all the cover of T-Rex is having a confederate flag to Jesus. Okay!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. I am done with this nonsense. We are calling witnesses coz that’s how a damn trial works. John Bolton, get your ass in here!

[Cut to John Bolton walking in the courtroom through the door]

Judge Mathis: And Mr. Bolton, what do you have to say for yourself?

John Bolton: Your honor. The things I saw president Trump do inside made me deeply worried about the future of democracy.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And why are you only coming out with this now?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: Coz I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Ooh! Now, this I like! Okay! Come on! Don’t leave me unread. Give me some of that hot tea. What else is in that book of your’s?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: No, no! Sorry judge. No more free spoilers. But, you can preorder the book now. It’s called ‘Harry Potter and the room where it happened.

[Mitch McConnell stands up]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, I object. If we’re hearing from John Bolton, we should hear from Hunter Biden too.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Oh, you know I’m calling Hunter Biden too. What do you think? I hate hilarious witnesses? The court calls Hunter Biden.

[Cut to Hunter Biden hoverboarding into the courtroom through the door]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Well, Hunter, thank you for coming.

Hunter Biden: Hey, you’re not gonna believe this but my schedule was wide open.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And how exactly are you mixed up in all of this?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Um, I’m not. The president is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crimes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And what’s your current job?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Oh, I’m on the board of the Brazilian money laundering company called, um, Nepo-tismo.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you admit you only got the job because of your father?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden steaks for my office at the top of Biden tower and letting foreign leader stay. Oh, wait! No, that’s the president’s sons. You burn!

[John Bolton rotates on his hoverboard.]

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, this is ridiculous. He clearly received money in exchange for political influence. Which reminds me,… [music playing] [advertising COAL] Coal, beautiful, clean, the way of the future. This one lump of coal can power a light bulb for almost two minutes.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: And I’d like to do a quick one for guns. [advertising GUNS] Guns, you can’t watch a Super Bowl without a gun.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, there will be no more ads in my courtroom.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Then, your honor, I would like to call three more lawyers on behalf of President Trump.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You, shut up. In this version of the trial, Trump is defending himself. The court calls Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the courtroom with the help of mobility walker]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, now, what is happening here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: President Trump, are you trying to weinstein me right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: In which sense? Because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. President, what is your defense?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: My defense is very simple, your honor. I’m guilty but it ain’t nothing!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, that’s a warning. Do the democrats have a response? Adam Schiff?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. Schiff, are you crying?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. It’s just my gecko eyes have been wide open for 86 straight hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There he goes Schifty Schiff, two shifts to the wind. She shifts, sea Schiff, by the Schifi-gy! I’m sorry. I just had one of my favorite mini-strokes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m not having it with the Schiff. I need a real lawyer. Who is around? Where is my cousin Vinny at?

[Cut to Vinny walking in the courtroom. He’s wearing leather jacket and a gold chain.]

Vinny: Hey, your honor. I object to this entire line of questioning!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You object?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: That’s right. You see, There’s no way this guy Trump only met with two yukes.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Um, two what? Did you just say yukes?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: Yeah, two yukes, you know? Two Ukrainians!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: That is too dumb even for this, my cousin Vinny. You can leave. Thank you. President Trump, would you like to make a closing statement?

[Cut to Donald Trump. He’s wearing an enormous afro-hair wig.]

Donald Trump: I would, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Take that Phil Spector wig off.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I actually thought it was an improvement, but fine! Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to come clean about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect. It was illegal. And frankly it was a but dial. Also, I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvanya, Arkansas and West-Virginia. West-Carolina, I’m sorry. I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections and bathroom scandals. I’m not 239 pounds. I’m 475 pounds. And I don’t really need this walker either, although it helps me be lazier which I like. What else? Oh, I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad. But this trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell, get in here Mitch!

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re gonna be linked forever, right Mitch?

[music playing]

Mitch McConnell: [singing] What have I done?

Who am I now?

Have I just thrown away all of my dignity

Am I a clown?

[John Bolton and Lindsey Graham walk in]

John Bolton and Lindsey Graham: [singing] That’s insulting to clowns!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, [hits his gavel twice] Judge Mathis finds the defendant guilty on all charges. He is fined $10,000 and I’m forcing him to say one nice thing about Nancy Palosi.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Fine! Her body is an eight!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: I’ll take it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Frozen 2

Elsa… Kate McKinnon

Anna… Cecily Strong

Kristoff… JJ Watt

Yucob… Kyle Mooney

Yogan… Beck Bennett

Latayas… Kenan Thompson

Olaf… Mikey Day

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: It’s official, Frozon II is coming to digital HD next week. So, you can play it for you kids while you drink a margarita in the bathroom. And you can also order the Frozen II DVD including deleted scenes like this one.

[Cut to Elsa walking in a red forest]

Elsa: Hello. Is anyone there? Anna? Kristoff? Olaf? I’m gay? Is anyone there?

[Anna runs in]

Anna: Elsa!

Elsa: Anna!

Anna: I heard you calling. This enchanted forest is so disorienting.

Elsa: It sure is. I don’t know whether we’re heading north, south, gay or west.

Anna: Did you say gay?

Elsa: No! I’m not anything. You have a fulfilling heterosexual marriage at the age of eighteen and I had to spend two whole movies playing with snow. Both are equal and good. And then, in Frozen III, I can just, freeze my ex.

Anna: Elsa, it’s okay. You see…

[music playing]

[sinigng] We all know, we all know

we’ve all known since you were a twin

when you dressed as Brian of Tarth

on three separate Halloweens

I don’t care, what Disney says

the twitter storm rages on

Elsa: The lack of any romantic interest doesn’t bother me anyway.

Male voice: Whoa! I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. If Elsa’s gay, she can turn my son gay, right? With her powers. Anyway, check out this next scene featuring a new original song.

[Cut to Kristoff walking with reindeer.]

Kristoff: Anna! Elsa!

[Cut to Elsa and Anna]

Anna: Oh, Kristoff. You’re okay?

[Cut to Kristoff]

Kristoff: Physically, yes. Mentally, still not great. This reindeer is my best friend.

[Cut to Anna walking to Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! My big strong hot shrek. You know what I love most about you, Kristoff?

Kristoff: That I’m poor so you can control me?

Anna: No. No, it’s that your sensitive. Sing your original new song for us, won’t you?

Kristoff: Anything for you, my love.

[music playing]

Kristoff: [singing] Big and woke

Big and woke

I am humongous sensitive of

Anna: A new kind of prince who’s not a creep

Kristoff: I won’t kiss you while you’re asleep

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: He’s not a bro but he’s not a cock

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: He’s gentle at first but he really can…

Male voice: Okay! Gonna cut that off a little early. Don’t think anyone screen these deleted scenes. But hey, let’s see how they dealt with the criticism that Frozen was too white.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yucob: Halt! We’re the King’s guards.

Yogan: We’ve been trapped in this forest under an evil spell.

[Latayas walks in]

Latayas: That’s right. And we will protect the king at all costs.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I’m sorry sir, and you are?

[Cut to the King’s guards]

Latayas: Latayas. Lieutenant in the royal guard.

Yogan: And I’m Yogan.

Yucob: And I’m Yucob. At your service.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Yes, you two make sens. I’m trying to wrap my head around Latayas. You live here?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Norway, in 1840, that’s correct.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: And who do you live with?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: No one. All alone. In Norway. Not shoe-horned in any way.

[Cut to Yucob and Yogan]

Yogan: Oh sure, but when I auditioned to be in Black Panther army, that was a firm no.

[music playing]

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: [singing] How do you solve a problem like Latayas?

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: How do you make it seem like this makes sense?

[Cut to Latayas]

Latayas: Why would I come to Scandinavia?

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff. Kristoff walks to Latayas]

Kristoff: At least we made this Frozen world diverse.

Latayas: Oh, yeah! It’s a real rainbow of colors now.

Male voice: Problem solved! And hey, see if you can spot how the animators redesigned one of the most iconic Frozen characters.

[Cut to Elsa]

Elsa: Guys, we need to keep moving. I’m supposed to ride a water-horse to an ice island to free a fire spirit or something. I think the part of this movie might be really bad.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: Oh! But we can’t leave without Olaf.

[Cut to Olaf running in. He has one carrot as his nose and another carrot as his penis.]

Olaf: Don’t worry. I’m right here, guys. Boy, isn’t it a beautiful day outside? Wheeeee!

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Um, hey Olaf, what’s that second carrot about?

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: Which? This one? [showing his nose carrot]

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Anna: I think you know that’s not that carrot he’s talking about.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: I guess I’m just growing up before your very eyes.

[Cut to Anna and Kristoff]

Kristoff: Alright! That’s it. We’re gonna leave Olaf here.

[Cut to Olaf]

Olaf: What? No hugs for Olaf? You know, carrots are good for your vision.

[music playing]

[singing] Do you want to build a snowman 

[Olaf walks to get hugs but everybody are walking away from him]

Kristoff: That thing is thicker than a coke can

[Cut to the reindeer thinking, “Oh, I love carrots”.]

Male voice: Alright! We’re just gonna end it there. Frozen II on digital HD and DVD. Tell your kids we’re sorry.

Food Dudes

Beck Bennett

Melissa Villaseñor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Beck getting in his hotel room]

Female voice: It’s happening again. You’re drunk and you’re ordering food.

Beck: [on the phone] Hey, ya, I’ll do the buffalo wings, some calamari, bacon cheese burger and maybe some fries. And onion rings too.

[split screen to Beck on left and Melissa on right.]

Melissa: And how many people will be dining?

Beck: Um, four.

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Female voice: You told her there were four people dining but it’s really just you. Or is it?

[Beck snaps is fingers and three dummies wearing clothes appear behind him]

Introducing Food Dudes. Three realistic mannequins that can sit with you when the food gets delivered, so no one thinks you’re an animal.

[Cut to Melissa brings in the food at Beck’s door.]

Melissa: Room service for four. I guess, this was a reasonable order.

Female voice: Plus, Food Dudes are noticeably overweight. [All the mannequins have big bellies] So everyone thinks they ordered most of the food.

[Cut to three mannequins and Beck with food on the table before them. Melissa is looking at them.]

Beck: These guys, am I right? What a bunch of slobs.

Melissa: Hold up! [Cut to Melissa] I wanna see one of them eat.

Female voice: Don’t worry. Food Dudes are completely motorized so they can realistically pick up and ingest human food.

[One mannequin picks up and eats the food.]

Melissa: I’m convinced. They’re real guys.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: And best of all, the inside of each Food Dude is a fully functioning microwave [Beck opens the mannequin’s pant and it’s butt is the microwave.] So when you’re alone again, simply open up the mannequin’s rear end an enjoy the rest of your meal.

Beck: Umm, piping hot.

[Cut to Matt ordering food]

Female voice: And Food Dudes can talk, so they’re perfect for shameless deliveries.

[Cut to Mikey delivering food at Matt’s door]

Mikey: Yeah, I got two large pizzas for Matt.

Matt: Um, well they’re not just for me.

Mikey: Dude, come on!

[Cut to mannequins talking]

Mannequin: Hey, hurry up with the food we’re all splitting.

Mannequin: Yeah, the other three of us are starving.

Mannequin: Plus, we’re noticeably overweight.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey:  Wow! I was wrong. Have fun with your diverse friends.

[Cut to Matt]

Matt: Thanks Food Dudes!

Female voice: And Food Dudes are easy to transport in their Food Dude Cocoons.

[Cut to Beck transporting his mannequins on a hospital bed]

[Melissa waves her hand at Beck and Beck smiles]

And they’re perfect for drive-throughs too.

[Cut to Kenan at the drive-through. He has the mannequins on his passenger seats.]

Kenan: Yeah, can I get 24 cheese burgers? And it ain’t all for me. These mannequins are gonna have some too.

Drive through: Excuse me?

[A mannequin sitting at Kenan’s back puts it’s hand on Kenan’s shoulder]

Mannequin: Thank you, daddy.

Kenan: It’s creeping me though.

Female voice: Food Dudes, not for sex.

[The End]