Category: 2020

Weekend Update Dr. Angie Hynes on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Dr. Angie Hynes… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, today marks the first day of black history month and here to highlight some lesser known historical figures is professor of African-American studies at Rutger University, Dr. Angie Hynes.

[Dr. Angie Hynes slides in]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Alright! Hello. Hello. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. It is such an honor.

Colin Jost: Black history month, and it’s pretty cool. It’s a leap year. So, we get one more day to celebrate.

Dr. Angie Hynes: [looking at Colin Jost with anger] Yeah, we do. [Michael Che is laughing]

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Now, when we think about black history month, we usually think of the big ones. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou. But how many of you know about Cynthia Woods? [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost] Any idea what she did, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t think I’m familiar.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Cynthia is a bitch I thought was my friend till she showed up at my wedding wearing all white. Even I felt bad about wearing white. But that bitch ain’t have no qualms.

[laughter]

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what does she have to do with black history month?

Dr. Angie Hynes: She is black, and she is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I’m divorced now, but if I see you, Cynthia, i hope you’re still wearing white, coz I’ma introduce yo ass to god.

Now, we all know Malcolm X, but how much do y’all know about Malcolm G? Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. I don’t know him. Is he a public figure?

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Malcom G is a fool I work with who airdroped a d pic to me in public. Now, you might be asking how is he relevant to black history month?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it because he is black?

Dr. Angie Hynes: And he is history to me. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] And Malcolm G, thank you for helping me finally quit that job, you unhung hero.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow! Dr. Hynes I was expecting you to tell us about people who were a little more well-known.

Dr. Angie Hynes: Oh, you want well known? Well, look at this well known ho.

[Dr. Angie Hynes’s picture appear in the screen]

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s you.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, racist. It’s my twin sister. Come on now. Her name is Angel Hynes, but she ain’t nothing but a devil. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] Colin, I had a dream that she slept with my husband. and that’s all I needed to know. You know how they say black lives matter? Here’s one black ass life that don’t matter. And you know what she is now Colin?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: History?

Dr. Angie Hynes: No, her story. Meaning her dead to me. And, look at this idget.

[Cut to picture of duane reade]

Colin Jost: Okay, now that seems to be a picture of duane reade?

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Dr. Angie Hynes: Yeah, duane reade, like walgreens.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what did they do to you at duane reade?

Dr. Angie Hynes: You know what? Thank you for asking. [Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes] I was shopping for none of your damn business. And one of the cashiers said, “Ma’am, your daughter can’t record tiktoks in here” and then pointed at a Colin Jost4-year-old. That’s not my daughter. Bitch, how old do you think I am?” You know the duane reade at 43rd and 8th locks up the lotion? The fa duane? What kind of negro jails the lotion? Duane reade, you black and you history. CBS, welcome to the cookout baby.

[Cut to Dr. Angie Hynes and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And you’re a professor?

Dr. Angie Hynes: On the weekdays. It’s Saturday, so I get it in.

Colin Jost: Angie Hynes, everyone!

Dr. Angie Hynes: Why do we got to have the shortest month?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Coronavirus

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bown Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, the World Health Organization officially declared the Corona virus a global emergency. Here to comment is newly appointed Chinese health minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Oh-oh! Michael Che! What’s doing?

Michael Che: Hey, how you doing, Mr. Biao? So, last time you were here, you were China’s trade representative, but now you’re in charge of Corona virus stuff?

Chen Biao: Yeah. I just got the promotion. [Cut to Chen Biao] New gig. It pays more and it’s a lot sadder. And I guess I am China’s new crisis queen. I don’t know.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, what are you qualifications for this new job, anyway?

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Okay. Well, I’ve been watching all those TLC medical shows. You know, um, Dr. Pimple Popper, I’m in love with my goiter, Little people big ass, it’s a good show.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Well, 45 million people are quarantine in China right now. So, the situation seems pretty dire.

Chen Biao: Dire? Relax! China’s got this, okay? Middle kingdom unlock. Literally.

Michael Che: What do you say to allegations that the Chinese government is under reporting how many cases of the virus there are?

Chen Biao: [laughing] What? Under reporting? China? [Cut to Chen Biao] How would we even do that? With our state run media? I have nothing to hide, Che. I show my nipples on dating apps. I’m talking full area.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, it has been before. Like, when China down played the SARS outbreak in 2002.

Chen Biao: That was one time! And 2002 was a different world. Spiderman was Toby McGuire.

Michael Che: Okay, but China has placed several cities on lock down.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: They sure have. Millions of people are on lock down now in China. But you can make it fun. Sort of, um, church lock in vibe? Right? Like, when they talk all day about abstinence but then it’s like, “Okay, now you’re gonna make us sleep in a big room together?” Good plan, youth pastor Ben.

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Who is Youth Pastor Ben?

Chen Biao: Oh, just some guy I hooked up with. [Cut to Chen Biao] And after eight months I was like, “Oh, I cannot fix you sweetie!”

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, what do you think about Delta in American Airlines suspend their flights to China until April?

Chen Biao: Oh, no! I can’t fly American Airlines anymore? [Cut to Chen Biao] The only airline where if you ask for a Sprite, they say, “Is Sierra Mist okay?” Who will I pay to throw my luggage in the garbage?

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s a good point. Well, Chen, we know it’s a really difficult time in China right now. And we wish you all the best.

Chen Biao: Oh, well, thank you Che. [Cut to Chen Biao] And we are committed to preventing the further spread of this virus with patience, diligence and these exclusive Chen Biao Burberry surgical mask! [Chen Biao takes a mask with a checked print on it and wears it.]

[Cut to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Chen Biao everybody!

Chen Biao: Wash your hands. Our phones are covered in poop.

The Sex Talk

Dad… JJ Watt

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a father knocking at his son’ts door]

Dad: You in there sport?

Brandon: [on the phone] I’ll call you back. Yes, dad.

Dad: Mind if I come in for a sec?

Brandon: We don’t have to talk about it, it’s fine.

Dad: I know, I know. I just figure we’re a little overdue for this chat anyway. So, why don’t you pop a squat, son?

[Dad and Brandon sit down on the bed]

Now, what you just say in the bedroom between your mother and I, that’s perfectly normal.

Brandon: We don’t have to do this, dad. I’ll get over it. It was just weird.

Dad: Well, of course it was but you’ll learn for yourself soon enough that when two people love each other very much, they express it through something called intercourse.

Brandon: Yes, dad. I know that.

Dad: And I gotta be quite honest with you. Sometimes you got to man up and clap them cheeks, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Okay, wow, dad! I’m not talking to you about this. You had sex. It’s fine.

Dad: Well, of course it’s fine, son. It’s a normal beautiful thing. But son, little boys have sex. Me? I’m a big dog and I have that thing woofing, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Look, I’m not an idiot. I guess I just didn’t expect to ever see it. Let alone on my birthday.

Dad: Oh, that’s right. Happy birthday, son!

Brandon: Thanks.

Dad: We got you a cake down stairs but, I should probably wash my hands before any of that.

Brandon: Oh, come on! Oh, god!

Dad: But son, just check this out for a second. It’s noon, I’m sitting at my desk working through lunch so I can provide for this damn family, and she is sending me filthy texts.

Brandon: Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop!

Dad: I’m just saying, son. She wanted to touch myself at my damn desk, get my ass fired! I’m like, “Woman, are you crazy?”

[Brandon closes his ears]

Brandon: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Dad: So, here’s what I did, son. I faked sick, I hop in the pick up, burn it down 85, went my ass up to the bedroom, opened the door and you know what I saw? I saw that thing up in there already smoking. What time do you think it was, son?

Brandon: I don’t know dad. 1:30?

Dad: It was time to wax. I’m talking Mr. Miagi, you know? Hey, son. I say. Is that a Getaway right there?

Brandon: What? Oh, yeah!

Dad: You know what?

Brandon: Can you maybe not please do that?

Dad: [grabs the Getaway] I’ma need that right about now. Gotta get some of that sweat back in me, you know?

Brandon: Oh, god!

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Knock, knock. What’s up in here?

Dad: Oh, you know. Just little girl talk, babe. Guy talk. Of course.

Mom: Oh, no, no. What is he telling you? Look, I just wanted to say I am so sorry Brandon.

Brandon: It’s okay, mom. Let’s just forget about it.

Mom: No, no, because in a way, this is my fault. You know, you see, your mother has been blessed with what is widely considered to be that good good.

Brandon: Oh, mom!

Dad: We are talking medical grade pure water, son. You know, that type to make a good man kill himself.

Mom: And the worst man kill everybody. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Brandon: Not really to be honest.

Mom: Okay, well let’s put it this way. Could I be working? Yes. Do I work? Hell, no. Why? Well, because this ill nana keeps me taken care of.

Dad: Umph! I can’t lie son, I am a full simp.

Mom: Ya, you know that car outside, this house, the clothes you’re wearing right now are all thanks to the fact that I turned your daddy out. Do you have a girl at school you wanna turn you out?

Brandon: Stop asking about girls. I’m bisexual. There! I said it!

Dad: Oh, son! Wow! That’s fantastic. So, you mean you can stroke anybody down?

Mom: Oh, Brandon. Thank you so much for telling us. We love you more than anything.

Dad: We are so proud of you.

Brandon: Thanks, guys. I love you.

Mom: Now, you’re gonna need to know how to ride that thing like a soldier, okay? Do you need to–

Brandon: Mom! Please! I don’t want to hear this!

Mom: We can help you.

[The End]

Society Debut

Bowen Yang

Henry… Alex Moffatt

Bigfoot… JJ Watt

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a castle of London, England in 1918.]

Bowen: Henry, aren’t you nervous?

Henry: Do you doubt me?

Bowen: Of course not. But, in four months you’ve done the impossible. You’ve taken Bigfoot from the American wilds and taught him manners and how to comport himself in our society.

Henry: Well, I have to admit, it was a long road. But the past three days have gone perfectly. We play polo and bridge, and had one of his poems published in Ladies’ magazine.

Bowen: Um, you should be self-proud. And there he is.

[Cut to Bigfoot walking down the stairs. He is wearing suit.]

[Cut to everybody]

Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my student, Misui Gran Pied, also known as Bigfoot.

[Everybody looking at Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Charmed! I am Bigfoot.

Kenan: Ah! Bigfoot. Welcome to my party. Please enjoy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take care of some business.

Beck: Mr. Pied, would you like some champagne?

[Beck snaps his finger and calls for drinks]

I insist.

Bigfoot: Oh, how thoughtful. But I won’t be drinking this evening. You know what they say? After two drinks, I’m drunk. After three, I’m under the table. And after four, I would take you by either leg and rip you up the middle like a piece of chicken.

Beck: [laughing] I’ve never heard anyone say that. So charming. Good job, old chap!

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Um, Mr. Foot. May I have a picture with you? Do the pose with me.

[Cecily and Bigfoot pose by leaning forward and joining their hands]

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, he’s genius. Hey, you must bring him to every party.

Henry: It’s a smashing success.

Bowen: Yes. He’s the toast of the town.

Kenan: He is. Now, if only we could figure out who deposited flocculant on the bathroom floor.

Beck: What was that old chap?

Kenan: Someone has excreciated excrecia on the bathroom floor.

Beck: I think I understand what you’re saying.

Kenan: Well, let me be clearer. He dropped the kids off at the pool but he left them in the parking lot. And it was just one very large kid.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Well, you know what they say. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Cecily: [laughing] I’m having a delightful time.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Professor, did you forget to teach him something?

Henry: Oh, come on! He speaks French. He plays the hop. You can’t tell me this is a big deal.

Bowen: Yes, but I feel like when people think of this party, this will be the thing they’ll remember.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Hey, hey. It sounds like whoever did this didn’t get something fully right. But actually, got pretty close. Maybe they should get credit for that.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Yes, very close. If we were playing golf, he may not have gotten the hole in one, but he definitely dropped on one the green.

Henry: Indeed. And if he gets the next one in, he’ll have a duce.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Enough of this. Should we dance? Let’s dance.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: No! The lavatory is decimated. There’s a duke in there.

Cecily: Oh, my! Is he looking for a duchess?

Kenan: No. It is up to the sink, people! Do you understand? A maid is stuck in there.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: No! I’m so sorry!

[Henry walks in]

Henry: Don’t do this! Don’t show your hand.

Bigfoot: I have to. I must.

[Bigfoot walks to the harp and starts playing it]

I’m sorry. I belong in the woods.

Bowen: Oh, don’t do this Mr. Pied.

Bigfoot: I’m not Mr. Pied. I’m Bigfoot. I’m a beast, an animal. I should be doing naked cartwheels under Secoyas, throwing snakes at the sky, popping up in cabin windows and freaking out teens who are trying to read Dickens and chill. I must go.

Cecily: Wait! [Cecily runs to Bigfoot] Bigfoot, I’m in love with you. I can’t explain it. I would leave everything behind for you. Take me.

Bigfoot: I’m taking her.

[Cecily climbs up on Bigfoot’s shoulder]

Bigfoot: And I’m taking this.

[Bigfoot takes the harp too]

Goodbye!

[Bigfoot and Cecily leave]

[Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Beck: That was my wife.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Well, they’re happy.

Henry: That’s what matters.

[Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Kenan: It is indeed. No one has ever fallen in love at one of my parties. [Kenan raises his glass and walks forward]

[The End]

Robbie

Coach… Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Riley… JJ Watt

Robby… Chris Redd

Mr. Philmore… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with coach prep-talking to the football players]

Coach: Gentlemen, this is the playoffs. Clubs in this not gonna–

[Coach realizes the players are not dressed for the game]

What the hell is going on? Why aren’t you all dressed?

Mikey: Some of us were talking coach, and we think Robbie should dress for the game.

[Robbie is sitting on the bench]

Coach: [laughing] You hit your head to hard in practice son? Robbie’s on the practice squad. This is the playoffs. Roster’s set. Now get dressed.

Mikey: This is Robbie’s dream, coach. [Robbie is looking happy] I know there’s no room in the rosters, so I want Robbie to take my spot.

[Mikey hands over his jersey to the coach]

[Alex walks up to Coach]

Alex: Robbie can have my spot too, coach.

[Alex hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Coach: This is what you want?

Alex: Yes, sir.

[Kyle hands over his jersey to the coach too]

Kyle: Robbie deserves it, coach.

Coach: And what about you, Riley?

[Riley stands up]

You want Robbie to take your spot?

Riley: [bleep] No! He [bleep] sucks at football. [Robbie is embarrassed] You guys want Robbie to play in a playoff game? That is crazy! We’re gonna [bleep] lose! He sucks ass! Have you seen him in practice?

[Cut to Robbie sucking at the practice games]

[Cut back to the locker room]

He is dog [shit]. I mean, [looking at Robbie] I’m sorry, Robbie, but you’re dog [bleep]. He’s dog [blee].

Mikey: Robbie’s got heart, Riley! [Robbie is looking happy again] It’s gotta count for something.

Riley: He’s [bleep] his pants in practice last week, Stevens. [Robbie is embarrassed] Again! I didn’t even want run at him and hit him this time. All I did was walk over to him and he crumpled into a little ball, he said, “No, no! Not again! It’s coming out. It’s coming.” I mean.

[Robbie had enough]

Robby: You know what? Maybe you don’t believe in Riley.

Riley: I definitely don’t.

Robby: Okay! But, a friend told me something that made me believe in myself. Right, Mr. Philmore?

[Mr. Philmore is a janitor. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past. Robby threw his helmet.]

Mr. Philmore: Yo! What? You mad you didn’t make the team? Huh? Well, listen here. You’re five foot nothing. A hundred and nothing. But damn, if you don’t got passion.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: And he gave me the strength to keep going.

Mr. Philmore: Hold on, coz after that I said.

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: Unfortunately, passion don’t mean nothing in this level. This is D-1, son and you’re just too tiny. You’re gonna get your ass stocked. Pan-caked, son!

[Cut back to the locker room]

Robby: Right! But you believed. And that’s what’s important.

Mr. Philmore: No, I’ma stop you right there. I said one more thing and it was…

[Cut to Robby and Mr. Philmore in the past]

Mr. Philmore: And who keep letting you in my office? Stop coming back here, man! It’s weird. We ain’t friends.

[Cut back to the locker room]

Mr. Philmore: That’s how that all went down.

Robby: Enough! Okay? Look, coach, you played here. Someone gave you a shot. That’s all I’m asking for. It’s a shot.

Riley: This is so [bleep] dumb! He doesn’t even know the plays, coach!

Robby: I know the playbook front to back. You call any play, I can run any route right now.

Coach: Alright, Robbie, if you get pass Riley, you can dress for the game.

Mikey: Go, Robbie!

[Robbie is happy and Riley can’t believe this.]

[Robby and Riley get ready]

Coach: Alright Robbie, let’s see what you got. Red 7, hud 7.

Robby: Different play, don’t know that one.

Coach: White right on 1!

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Jesus, Robbie. Blue 19 on 3.

Robby: Different play.

Coach: Slat 6 on 2.

Robby: Nope!

Mikey: I’m just gonna take my jersey back.

Coach: Red Devil, on 3.

Robby: Skip!

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: Got it! What was it though?

Coach: Robbie, Angel 6 on 2.

Robby: I got it, coach!

Coach: Hub, hub.

[Robby runs to Riley. Riley pushes Robby lightly and Robby gets slammed the lockers.]

Mr. Philmore: Dumb ass!

[Riley walks to Robby]

Riley: He’s alright. But I think he might have done another- you know. In his pants.

Robby: I almost did, but hailed it in.

Riley: No, he didn’t.

Coach: Well, that’s it. We got a football game to win, gentlemen!

[all the players cheer and follow the coach]

Pizza Place

JJ Watt

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with door bell ringing. The delivery guy gets in. Delivery guy and Heidi are standing, waiting for him.]

Delivery guy: Did somebody order an extra large sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, yeah! We sure did.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Is it nice and hot?

Delivery guy: It sure is, ladies. That’ll be 10 bucks.

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, but we don’t have any money.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Yeah, is there any other way we can pay for all the sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Yeah, we’ll do anything.

Delivery guy: I mean, I guess there’s one thing you could do.

[Delivery guy opens his jacked and Heidi and Cecily start touching Delivery guy]

[Cut to two hours later at Big Whillie’s Pizza. Kenan is trying to do the accounts but the calculation isn’t right.]

Kenan: I don’t understand. What is going on? I don’t understand why we not making no money. We getting in plenty of orders. Oh, my goodness! What is–

[Delivery guy walks in Kenan’s office]

Kenan: Ay, where have you been?

Delivery guy: Sorry I’m late, man! I don’t think I can do any more deliveries today.

Kenan: You know what? I’ma have to let you go.

Delivery guy: What? You’re firing me? But why, man?

Kenan: Coz you are terrible. Every delivery takes you an hour and then you need a nap. And more importantly, you ain’t brought back a dime yet.

Delivery guy: That’s not my fault. All the customers don’t have any money.

Kenan: This ain’t no charity. This is a business, son. Did you at least bring the pizza back?

Delivery guy: Well, no. Last time I brought one back, you got mad at me.

Kenan: Well, that’s because it had a giant hole cut out the middle of it. Looked like somebody stuck their arm in the damn thing. I can’t resale that.

Delivery guy: Where is that pizza?

Kenan: Well, I just ate it all myself.

Delivery guy: Oh, god, man! Tell me you didn’t eat that pie.

Kenan: I can’t afford to waste no food! I’m broke! Thanks to you. And there weren’t any sausage on it.

Delivery guy: Well, there was.

[phone ringing]

Kenan: Oh, hang on a second there, son. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, Great Big Willie. Can I take your order? Okay, ma’am. So, you want another extra large sausage for you and your sister to share. Okay. Anything else? Well, he’s being fired right now but I can– hello? Hello? Man, damn phone cut out. Look son, when I met you at that bus station bathroom, you told me that you would do anything to make some quick cash. So, I gave you this job but it just ain’t working out.

Delivery guy: You gotta give me another chance, man! I really, really love this job.

Kenan: Oh, do you? Because you don’t act like it. I mean, did you even shower today?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah, why?

Kenan: Coz you smell like shell fish in karate class. I don’t know what it is but you are ripe.

[phone ringing]

Ay, hold on a second there. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, we come where you ask. Oh, yes ma’am. You want a nice thick meaty sub for your bachelorette party. In fact, I will personally bring it myself. Hello? Hello? We are losing business coz of this damn phone.

Delivery guy: Sir, there’s gotta be something I can do to keep this job. All do anything!

Kenan: Anything?

Delivery guy: Huh?

Kenan: Did you just say you’d do anything to keep this job?

Delivery guy: Um, yeah. I mean, I guess, man!

Kenan: Well, there’s one thing you can do for me.

Delivery guy: Wait a second sir. If you wanna have sex, I’m gonna need like an hour of nap.

Kenan: Have sex? What the hell you talking about?

Delivery guy: Oh, I thought it was like when I trade sex for pizza, man!

Kenan: What? I just wanted you to shoot my father-in-law for me.

Delivery guy: Thank god!

Kenan: So, is that why you never have my money?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah! But I can explain.

Kenan: Get your ass out of my office! Now! You damn sicko!

[Delivery guy leaves]

[phone ringing]

[talking on the phone] Yes, hello, Big Whillie’s Pizza. Look, lady. We ain’t got no more foot long salami. He has been fired! But can I interest you in a respectable middle sized — hello? Hello? Damn phone!

[The End]

Pilot Hunk

Pat… JJ Watt

Hannah T… Cecily Strong

Hannah V… Heidi Gardner

Hannah Bad… Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Pilot Hunk intro]

Male voice: He’s a big boy pilots with 30 sobbing Hannahs to choose from. Tune in to watch him deep kiss the white girl and high five the black girls. This season on “pilot hunk.”

[Cut to Pat]

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat and I make the plane hurry up. I’m a sky boy looking for my fly girl. Let’s bachelor.

[Cut to Pat and Hannah T]

Hannah T: Mmm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about yourself.

Hannah T: I’m Hannah T. I’m 22, and my job is pharma-cute-ical. I sell medicals to the women.

Pat: Oh, I love that. Am I detecting an accent?

Hannah T: Yeah. I’m Jen.

[Hannah V walks in]

Hannah V: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah T leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah V: I am Hannah V. I am 20/30 years old. And I am not cross eyed but that’s the vibe.

Pat: Ha-ha, I love that.

Hannah V: I had so much fun on the lube taste test. I’m a lawyer by the way.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah V leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah Bad: Well, I’m Hannah Bad. And I’m brutally fragile at home. So, here, it’s absolutely the wheels are coming off.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I know the girls told you rumor about me and it is true. I have brown hair. But you should also know that my mouth is a vacuum hoe. Like, [inhales]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah Bad leaves] I like this.

Pat: Ha-ha. Are you excited for our trip?

Kate: Yes, I can’t wait to go to Thailand and scream about how the food is gross in front of the woman how cooked it.

Pat: Ha-ha. Different food is gross.

Kate: Actually, I have something for you. I wrote you a letter. It’s a T. I also know a couple of others but I’m gonna play hard to get.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Watching you play soccer with poor kids made me so horny.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Melissa: Also, it’s my birthday today. I turned 30.

Pat: Oh, happy 30th birthday. [calling guards] Guards!

[The guards take Melissa away]

[Ego walks in]

Ego: Mm, I like this.

Pat: Hey, you.

Ego: You don’t seem surprised to see me. I died last episode.

Pat: Oh, right. What happened?

Ego: I drowned in the shower coz I looked up with my mouth open. They said I could come back if I got alive again. So, I did.

Pat: Thanks for being vulnerable.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Ego leaves]

Pat: Whoa, another one?

Chloe: Something you should know is that family is really important to me. There’s someone I want you to meet.

[Chloe turns around. There’s a face on her back.]

It’s my twin. She’s the fun one.

Pat: Nice! A threesome.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Chloe leaves]

Pat: Wow, your eyes are peeing. What’s wrong?

Kate: [sobbing] Being here is so hard for me because I’m like, really shy. Like, I was blushing so hard at the thong fashion show, I can’t believe I won.

Pat: Oh, yeah. You got a Martial’s gift card.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] [sobbing] I’m having a really hard time because the producers, they confiscated my vitains and they gave me a knife.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I want you to know that I’m not just a party girl. I could also be a wife life, watch me drink champagne.

[Hannah Bad pops a bottle of champagne and pours it all over her breasts.]

Pat: Whoa! I think I’m ready to propose… that you leave.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal? [Hannah Bad leaves] I love dancing to country singers. Chance to be with you today. Um, but I have to tell you something. Um, he and I dated. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: That’s not all. I’ve also date most of the cameramen. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: I’m dating a lot of the girls in the house too.

Pat: Whoa, that’s pretty hot.

Kate: Also, one more thing. I looked it up and I make more money than you.

Pat: You know what? Let me walk you out.

[The End]

Men’s Product

JJ Watt

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffatt

[Starts with clips of JJ Watt working out]

Male voice: I pride myself on being the best. I go with a distance and I push myself to the limit.

JJ Watt: But being the best is also about looking your best. And you can’t look your best when you have tired puffy under eyes. [Cut to JJ Watt wearing black mask under eyes] That’s why I use Olay Eye Black.

Female voice: Oil of Olay introduces the only Eye Black that also reduces puffyness. But it’s manly because it comes in a big black tub.

[Cut to black and white video clip of JJ Watt wearing a helmet while press conference is going on]

JJ Watt: My puffy under eyes used to make me too shy to play football.

News Reporter: JJ, what’s with the puffy eye gab?

[Cut to JJ Watt in the football field wearing Olay Eye Black]

Now I can stop worrying about fine lines and focus on the offensive line.

[Cut to Kenan as an opponent]

Kenan: Yeah, what’s up, punk? Your skin looks amazing!

[JJ Watt throws Kenan down]

JJ Watt: With Olay Eye Black, my skin luminosity is off the charts insane! So easy to use, even guys can do it. You just grip it, rip it and stick it. Beat the hell out of dark circles with Olay Eye Black.

[Cut to Beck looking at the mirror wearing Olay Eye Black]

Beck: This isn’t gay, right?

JJ Watt: It’s just gay enough.

Beck: Cool, either way. What is that smell?

JJ Watt: Jack Daniels, gasoline and a little bit of Matcha Extract.

Beck: Matcha what-a?

JJ Watt: Green tea.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah!

Female voice: Olay Eye Black is part of our all new Olay Bro Skin Line, including Brolay cleanses and scrubs. And now, introducing post strip nose tape.

[Cut to Alex wearing a black tape on his bloody nose]

Alex: Just because your nose is shattered doesn’t mean it should be covered with black heads.

[Alex rips off the tape]

Oh, my god!

Female voice: Oil of Brolay, available at Sephora and Dick’s sporting goods.

Madden 21

JJ Watt

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a recording session in Electronic Arts office.]

Mikey Dad: Okay, Mr. Watt, can you hear me in your headphones?

JJ Watt: Yes, sir.

Mikey Dad: Alright, perfect. Let’s jump in, JJ. Um, you’ve recorded dialogues for the Madden video games before, ya?

JJ Watt: Ya. It’s pretty crazy you guys are already working on Madden 21.

Ego Nwodim: Yep, gotta have it ready for the next NFL season.

Mikey Dad: Yeah, we’re gonna start with some game-play dialog. You’ve got a script right there.

JJ Watt: [showing the script] Awesome! And this is like, the stuff that we do on the field during the game, right?

Mikey Dad: Yep, this section is. So, give it some energy. We’ll play some crowd noise to help get you there. Your lines are numbered. So, you’ll start with line A-1, okay? Let’s do this.

JJ Watt: Alright. [crowd noise playing in the background] [reading the script] Take a seat!

Mikey Dad: Great! Next one down, A-2.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Here comes the boom!

Mikey Dad: Love it. A-3.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Dammit! I couldn’t catch that guy!

Mikey Dad: Okay. Next.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Dang it! He outsported me.

Mikey Dad: Nice. A-5.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Oops!

Mikey Dad: Great! A-6.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Sorry, guys!

Mikey Dad: Awesome! A-7.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Oopsies!

Mikey Dad: Nice! A-8.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Intercept! Oh! Never mind. Dropped it.

Mikey Dad: Perfect. A-9.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Sorry boys. That one’s on me.

Mikey Dad: Nice. A-ten.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Captain clumsy strikes again.

Mikey Dad: And A-eleven.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] God! I suck today!

Mikey Dad: Nice. You are a pro, JJ.

JJ Watt: Thanks, man! But, I mean, it kind of sounds like video game JJ Watt Messes Up a Lot.

Ego Nwodim: No, the designers like to cover all their basis.

JJ Watt: But, like, I do good things too, right? I mean, I’m a top ranked defensive end. Like, I’m good. Is that gross to say?

Mikey Dad: Um, a little bit, yeah. But, um, it’s all good.

Ego Nwodim: So, moving to that next chunk starting with “Y’all see that sack.”

JJ Watt: Oh, fine. I like that one. Here we go.

Mikey Dad: Okay, whenever you’re ready.

JJ Watt: [reading the script] Y’all see that sack? I hope our quarterback’s okay. This other team is good!

Mikey Dad: Nice!

JJ Watt: So, on that one, like, was that me on the sidelines watching the other team?

Mikey Dad: Yeah, cuts over to the sidelines, super realistic. Um, moving on.

Ego Nwodim: Okay, this one’s in a way crowd booing you. So, you’re taunting them. Line B-2.

JJ Watt: Alright, this is awesome. I can do this one. Here we go. [reading the script] Go ahead and boo me! At least I’m not on a wheelchair like that little boy right there. [JJ Watt doesn’t like the scripts]

Mikey Dad: Great! We got that one.

JJ Watt: Wait! What? Dude, I would never say that. That’s awful, man!

Mikey Dad: Alright, we’ll flag that one for ya.

JJ Watt: Ya, please flag it. Are you sure these are the same as they did in Madden 21? It feels like they don’t know me, like, at all!

Mikey Dad: Um, I’m sure you can talk to them about any concerns, okay? We are starting at line B-4 now. Stuff you say in the huddle.

JJ Watt: Alright. [reading the script] No one responded to my birthday drinks paperless posts, so I’m probably just gonna cancel like the bitch I am. [getting annoyed] I mean, do other players say stuff like this?

Mikey Dad: Um, each player’s dialogue is written specifically for them. Um, moving on to section C, buddy. Dialog after a win. C-1, whenever you’re ready.

JJ Watt: Alright. [reading the script] That’s how you do it, fellas. Suck on that wheelchair boy! [annoyed] God! I mean, guys, I do not like this wheelchair kid stuff. What is this?

Mikey Dad: Okay. Um, guess we can skip the rest of this section then.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, you got it. Okay, last one for the cut scene at the end of the season.

JJ Watt: Alright. [reading the script] Whoo! I’m going to the Super Bowl, baby! My wife’s company got tickets… [annoyed] Guys! Flag that!

Mikey Dad: We will flag that. Um, we burned through those. Nice. Before you go, you wanna see your Madden 21 avatar?

JJ Watt: Oh, hell yeah!

[A screen shows JJ Watt’s Madden 21 avatar. His face is crooked, his shirt is small and his belly is tucked out of the shirt. He looks ugly.]

What? That’s me? Why is my bellybutton pierced? I don’t have a bellybutton piercing.

Mikey Dad: Um, yeah. Not sure but we’re making notes. And this is your touchdown celebration dance.

[The avatar in the screen is now flush dancing.]

JJ Watt: Well, finally they got something right.

Mikey Dad: Ya.

[The End]

JJ Watt monologue

JJ Watt

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, JJ Watt.

[JJ Watt walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

JJ Watt: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is JJ Watt and I play defensive end for Houston, Texans. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. You see, Texans are a football team. Football is a sport with the helmets. I am sorry guys. I didn’t think I needed to explain that, but the writers back stage seemed super confused, so, here you go.

When I found out I was gonna be hosting SNL, I told some of my teammates. And not to fulfill stereotype, but at least half of them asked me, “What day do they tape that?” I mean, dude, it’s Saturday Night Live. How the hell am I supposed to know? I don’t work there.

Football is kind of the family business. I have two brothers who are also in the NFL. Our names are JJ, TJ and for some reason, Dirk. I don’t know if that means my parents loved him more or loved him less, but it definitely means different. My brothers are both big guys too. My mom gave birth to a lineman, a fullback and the linebacker. Yeah, ouch! Right? I know. After that, my dad said they were done having kids but my mom really wanted to try for a kicker. You know, someone she can dress up and buy cute clothes for. I know. I know. I’m sorry.

A lot of people wonder how my brothers and I got so big. And truth be told, guys, it’s just all genetics. You see, my mom comes from a long line of tall men, and my dad is actually Cleatus, the FOX SPORTS robot. Yeah, that’s where my broad shoulders are from.

People always ask my parents, “How did they manage to get three boys into the NFL?” And personally, I think it was the parenting style. For example, if we were ever fighting over Super Nintendo, my mom would take the controller, throw it down to the basement, turn off the lights, blast some Metallica and say, “Whoever brings that back to me gets to play next.” No, it’s not a joke, guys! It’s not a joke. That’s what we did. Why do you think my nose is so messed up?

Now, as we all know, tomorrow is of course, the Super Bowl. [cheers and applause] Guys! Guys! Don’t get too excited. I’m not in it. I didn’t get the part. But, I choose to look on the bright side of things. If I was in the Super Bowl, I probably couldn’t be here hosting tonight. And would I really trade hosting SNL for the Super Bowl? Yes, I definitely would. Actually, I still would. So, if you guys wanna call me, I’ll leave right now. But since that’s not gonna happen, I just wanna say to all the players in the game, congratulations. You guys have truly earned it and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I hope it ends up in a tie.

But I’m in New York city tonight. So, let’s party! We’ve got a great show for you guys lined up. Luke Combs is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]