Category: 2023

Male Confidence Seminar

Andrew Dismukes

Ron… Bowen Yang

Devon Walker

James Austin Martin

Michael B. Jordan

Michael Longfellow

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with a number of adult males in a confidence seminar]

Andrew: Say it again.

Ron: I’m strong. I’m desirable. People want to have sex with me.

Andrew: Now roar like a lion.

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Louder!

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Wow. Give it up for Ron everybody. Yes, I have chills. See? That’s what male charisma training is all about. Confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. Awkward, hated my body, walked around like this. But then I developed my social Mastery program. And now look at me. I stand like an alpha. I’ve got the scarf. I effing made it.

[everybody claps]

You. You’ve taken my class before, yes?

Devon: Yes, sir. Three times. Yeah. And I have an update. Actually, I got a girlfriend now.

Andrew: Hell, yes. What was your approach?

Devon: Well, she’s not a girlfriend. You know, she’s actually like a barista. So.

Andrew: Oh. But hey, introduce yourself, right?

Devon: No, sir.

Andrew: So you saw girl at a coffee shop? Cool round of applause for him. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s not nothing. Yes, a question in the back.

[Michael is there carrying a jar of water]

Michael: Yeah. Where do you want this water delivery?

Andrew: I don’t know. Dude, do I look like I work for the hotel?

[everybody laughing]

Michael: Oh, okay. My apologies. [he’s looking for a place to put it]

Andrew: You, question?

James: Yeah. I’m pretty lonely. I have a job. I feel like I’m doing everything right. I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them.

Andrew: Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work?

James: I critique female stand ups on YouTube.

Andrew: Sure, sure. Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you. Okay? Watch this. Anybody out there? Anybody. Say the meanest thing you can think of me? Anybody?

Michael: [sitting quietly at the back] Forehead.

Andrew: Sorry, what does that even mean?

Michael: Forehead.

Andrew: Okay, sure. It’s just funny because I don’t like to have weird forehead.

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Just keep talking, goofy.

Andrew: I’m not goofy. I’m actually regular. All right? Listen, when you approach a lady what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. Broad shoulders.

Michael: Hmm, broad forehead.

Andrew: Sir! Sir, I’m fine if you stay. Just don’t interrupt me, please.

Michael: No, I might. I might.

Andrew: Okay, look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. Just roll with it. I’ll show you any volunteer. [Michael and James stand up] Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? [pointing at James]

Michael: Bro, if you’re cool with it, you know what I’m saying, you don’t mind if I do this, right?

James: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah. See, Dexter’s Lab was cool with it. Go ahead, goofy.

Andrew: Not goofy. All right. I’m going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, Goddess, what’s your name?

Michael: You a bitch.

Andrew: Hey. Hey. Just do the exercise. What’s your name?

Michael: Forehead Jackson.

Andrew: It’s not. Please sit down here.

Michael: Um, nah. I’m good here.

Andrew: That’s fine. Any final questions?

Mike: Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead?

Michael: I don’t have a big old forehead, okay? Not like you, dude. I’m cool. Got the scarf, the rings. You know, I’m in charge like immediately.

Michael: You got to Jimmy Neutron head, bro.

Marcello: He kinda does.

Andrew: No. No, my head’s regular. Not Jimmy Neutron.

James: Yeah, it’s like if Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic, that’s you.

Andrew: No, it’s not. Dammit.

Michael: Actually, actually, look. Y’all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things.

[everyone agrees]

Andrew: Where are you guys going? I want to come too.

King Brothers Toyota

Randy… Andrew Dismukes

Shorty… James Austin Johnson

Brian… Michael B. Jordan

Randy: Hey there folks, I’m Randy King of King Brothers Toyota.

Shorty: And I’m shorting King Jr. And we are overstocked with Tacomas, Siennas, Corollas and even Highlanders, all at rock bottom prices as part of our King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thon!

Randy: So come on down to King Brothers Toyota off highway exit 260 Because deals like this don’t come often.

Shorty: Get your butt down the King Brothers Toyota right here in beautiful Brenham, Texas, off highway eight exit 260. Take the left lane.

Randy: You gotta get hard in that left lane. Because if you stay even one second in the right lane, you’ll get stuck in the massive overflow line for the new raising Cane’s.

Shorty: This restaurant is prohibitively popular y’all. The line backs up to the light onto the off ramp and into the highway. Do not stay in the right lane.

Randy: Hard. Hard left, y’all! Hard to the left when you take 260 or you’ll miss

Both: King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Shorty: Why are we overstocked? I’m telling you why? Because nobody can get here due to the stupid long Cane’s line taking up all that road.

Randy: We have been absolutely screwed by the Brenham Chamber of Commerce, and their villain his patron Councilman Hugo Gallegos.

Shorty: Since taking office in May, Hugo Gallegos has defiled exit 260 with the Chipotle, In-n-out burgers, and now Raising Cane’s chicken finger baskets.

Randy: These trendy chains all come with their own massive drive thru lines managed only by a handful of any factual iPad teens.

Shorty: We are deep in the red folks, which is why corporate has sent us the nation’s best, most jacked Toyota salesman Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: These two are afraid to get their hands dirty, but not Brian Pat Moore. So Raising Cane’s, you have 24 hours to shut down your Burnham location. If you do not comply each hour, I will reveal to the public one ingredient to the secret recipe of your legendary Cane sauce. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Ketchup.

[Brian leaves]

Randy: We are drowning in Tacomas and we are trapped here. We literally cannot leave due to the longest hell Cane’s line.

Shorty: I personally have missed so many family events. Things like nieces christening, first daughter’s recital, and even little JC as Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls at the middle school.

Randy: I now speak directly to the coward Hugo Gallegos. You have defiled the ones beautiful exit 260, and if the big as Cane’s line is allowed to stand, King Brother’s Toyota will fall.

Shorty: My daughter Haley is a classics professor at Princeton community college, and she has described our plight as a funhouse mirror held up against the American dream. I said “I don’t know about all that baby girl. All I know is I’m getting effed in the A my Councilman Hugo Gallegos.”

Rando: But all is not lost, because we have sales warrior in Christ, Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: Well, well well. It seems the Fat Cat at Cane’s think this is some kind of game. Well, Brian Pat Moore don’t play no games. Next ingredient, pepper. And the clock begins anew. Tick-tock, Cane’s. Tick-tock.

Shorty: So come on down because time is running out.

Both: For King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Male voice: King Brothers Toyota, off highway 9, exit 260, hard into that left lane. Get in that left lane hard. Hard to the left.

Jake from State Farm

Jake… Michael B. Jordan

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a clip of a daughter stuffing her toys inside toilet and her parents are frustrated]

Female voice: As a homeowner, you never know what’s going to go wrong.

Daughter: I wanted to give them a bath.

[Jake walks in]

Jake: Luckily, State Farm has you covered no matter what the issue. And what the State Farm, you can file a claim and second So you can get back to your life.

Heidi: Wow, that was easy. Thanks Jake from State Farm.

Jake: Like a good neighbors, State Farm is their.

Mikey: Guess I won’t be late for work after all.

Jake: One more thing. Is this dryer safe? [showing a stuffed animal]

Mikey: Bye, huh.

Heidi: Have a great day. [to Jake] Hey, do you want a cup of coffee?

[Mikey looks back suspiciously]

Jake: I’d love one.

Female voice: No matter what your insurance needs, State Farm has a policy for you.

[Mikey enters his home]

Mikey: Hello? [Jake is playing with his kids] Oh, Jake from State Farm, you’re still here.

Jake: Unlike other insurance companies, State Farm’s here for you 24/7.

Mikey: Right. So what’s the plan for dinner?

Heidi: Oh, Jake and the kids and I went out for pizza. But there should be stuff in the fridge to make a sandwich.

[Jakes leaving and Mikey’s watching Jake play with his kids]

[Mikey wakes up the other morning. Heidi is not in bed.]

[Mikey is watching TV. He hears car coming to his home. So he stands up and opens the door. Jake walks in with his wife and his kids.]

Jake: Wow, look who’s up, Sleepyhead. Think fast. [throws keys to Mikey]

Mikey: Hey, where the hell were you?

Heidi: Jake thought it’d be nice to take the kids to church.

Mikey: To church?

Heidi: Yes. To church. And I happen to agree. Now excuse me.

[Mikey is watching Jake teaching his daughter to play piano]

Jake: See? You’re getting better. You’re a natural. Give me some.

[Mikey is watching Jake playing ball with his son]

Jake: Oh, some heat.

[Mikey is watching Jake laughing with his wife]

[Mikey is looking at Geico Insurance on the internet at night. Jake appears behind him.]

Jake: Looking for better rates?

Mikey: Jesus.

Jake: You know you won’t find them. State Farm’s rate match, even if you do find cheaper coverage, we’ll just match it. [kisses Mikey’s head and leaves]

Mikey: [to Heidi] This is my house and I want him gone. He is not a good neighbor.

Heidi: Get your finger out on my face.

[Jake walks in, pushes Mikey to the wall and whispers on his ear.]

Jake: [whispering]Save even more when you bundle home and auto.

[Mikey is sleeping on the couch. Jake is walking to the bedroom with Heidi.]

Jake: Sleep tight.

[Mikey is getting anxiety]

Mikey: [screaming] I just wanted a policy!

[Mikey is drunk and walking on a bridge]

Mikey: [singing] Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there
and here and in my bed with my wife
he took everything, everything

[police siren]

Police: Step away from the edge. You don’t have to do this buddy. [It’s actually Limu and Doug] LIMU and I can help.

Falling Down

Michael B. Jordan

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Michael B. Jordan walking in SNL office.]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m feeling good.

Bowen: Hey, Michael. Looking good.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.

Sarah: Michael. I think you’re so cool.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] It’s scary. But I’m Michael B. Jordan. There’s no reason to be nervous.

[Michael B. Jordan slips and falls down]

Ouff, no one saw me.

[Andrew is standing behind him]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Yeah. I’m good.

Andrew: All right. Be careful.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] Oh, okay. Little embarrassing, but at least it’s just Andrew Dismukes. It’s not like Kenan saw him before. It’s all good. I will not fall again. [slips and falls again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, I didn’t see you there.

Andrew: It looked like it hurt.

Michael B. Jordan: It didn’t really.

Andrew: It looked like it did though. Are you okay? You want me to get the Nurse? Nurse? Michael B. Jordan just fell down again.

Michael B. Jordan: I said I was fine.

[Michael B. Jordan is looking at the mirror angrily]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] This Andrew Dismukes guy’s getting in my head. A Michael B. Jordan. I need to never fall over ever again. [slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: Timber! You okay though?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, stop seeing me fall down.

Andrew: Hey, man, I’m at work. You don’t want me to see you fall down, quit falling down where I work?

Michael B. Jordan: Whatever, just leave me alone.

Andrew: All right, bud. Just be careful. Okay.

[Andrew is walking to his office whistling. He turns on the light, there’s Bowen and Sarah sitting on the couch.]

Andrew: Hey, guys.

Bowen: Andrew, sit down.

Sarah: You have to stop seeing Michael B. Jordan fall down.

Andrew: I can’t help it. Sometimes he falls and I see.

Sarah: Andrew, when somebody falls down, you have to pretend like you didn’t see it.

Andrew: Well, I didn’t know that. Nobody told me that. You can’t get mad at me for something I didn’t know.

Michael B. Jordan: Guys. What’s going on?

Andrew: Nothing. And hey, next time you have a problem with me, at least have the cojones to say it to my face, instead of sending your lackeys to do your dirty work for you.

Michael B. Jordan: I didn’t tell him anything. All I said was that you keep seeing me fall.

Andrew: Well guess what? Sometimes you fall, and sometimes I there.

Michael B. Jordan: Well then, maybe you shouldn’t be around me at all then. Maybe you should leave and never come back.

Andrew: Whatever, man. I’m done. Done.

[Andrew leaves and Sarah stars crying]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I couldn’t believe what I had done. I pushed away my best friend at the show, Andrew Dis-moe. After everything you’ve been through. Monday pitch in Lorne’s office. Tuesday, writing night. When Andrew got cut from a sketch because he did a bad job. Just throw it all away because he saw me fall down a lot? The show was about to start, but I couldn’t do it without him.

Female voice: Three minutes to air. Where is Michael? Anyone have eyes on Michael B. Jordan?

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I knew there was only one way to bring him back. [he runs outside the studio to get Andrew]

Michael B. Jordan: [falling down intentionally] I’m falling. Where are you, Andrew?

Andrew: I’m here. And we’re not falling. We’re flying.

[They’re flying around the building]

Classified Press Conference Cold Open

Merrick Garland… Mikey Day

Conrad Nance… Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Criminals beware. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he means business. First, he hunted down that January 6 insurrectionists and made them pay. Now he’s searching for classified documents, and he’s coming for who ever have them. Democrat, Republican, or whatever Trump is now. And you don’t want to be in his crosshairs. He’s Attorney General, Merrick Garland.

[Cut to Merrick Garland]

Merrick Garland: Hello. I am Merrick Garland. I may look like I was born in a library, but there’s something you should know. [he shakes his head making whipping sound] Merrick Garland don’t play. [again he shakes his head making whipping sound] As you may have heard, classified documents have been found in the homes of President Biden and former Vice President Pence whose lawyers are cooperating. And also at the home of former President Trump, whose lawyer put a horse head in my bed. Some have said the federal government classifies too many documents, about 50 million a year. This has led people to ask, “Does recovering these documents even matter?” To which I say “I don’t know. But it’s the law.” [he shakes his head making whipping sound] And I am the law.

To enforce the law, I sent teams to search the homes of several recent Presidents and Vice Presidents. Starting with Mike Pence, Special Agent Conrad Nance will brief you on what we discovered.

Conrad Nance: Right, thank you very much. Upon arriving at Mr. Pence’s Indiana home I knew right away, this man needed a friend. When he opened the door he said “You came!”, with a big smile and he offered to make us pancakes. Our search turned up no additional classified documents. However, in an envelope marked “TAXSTUFF”, we discovered photographs of the country pop singer Shania Twain, cut out from several magazines. When confronted with this, Mr. Pence said “I’m sorry, I’m disgusting.” Then we informed Mr. Pence that we were done and we had to leave. He said, “How can you leave when you’re it?” And then tagged me on the shoulder and ran away. Hoping that I would chase after him and play tag. Which I did not. I will say though that if you know Mr. Pence, if you’re friends with them, check on your people. That’s all.

Merrick Garland: All right. Thank you, agent Nance. Next Special Agent Casey Combs will discuss if there were any classified documents at Vide President Kamala Harris’s home.

Casey Combs: Come on now. Joe Biden won’t even give this woman a pin. You think she has classified documents? Please Kamala Harris with classified documents?

Merrick Garland: Well, we had to at least check. Thank you, agent combs. Finally, we searched former President Barack Obama’s home. Special Agent Derek K. will discuss what we found.

Derek K.: Thank you. Yeah, I don’t mean to brag, but I was in Barack Obama’s house. But no big deal, but it was really fun. Mr. Obama opened the door and said, “Are you selling girl scout cookies?” Which is totally cracking up. Like, completely dead. We then entered the home and were shown a number of things including 175 letters from Lin Manuel Miranda begging the president to attend a performance of Hamilton. Obama like read one as Lin Manuel, he was like, “Dear Mr. President, the resume-”  I’m not doing it as funny as he did. It was so fun. Anyway, we asked him about classified documents and he said he was “Out of the government game” and “Doing the Hollywood thing now.” But then Beyonce called him on his cell phone, and he ignored it. So yeah, just liike really cool fun time.

Merrick Garland: All right, there you have in America. If you have classified documents in your home, I have one question for you. Do you think this is a game? Who do you think you’re playing with?  [he shakes his head making whipping sound]  F around and find out!

Conrad Nance: Hey, boss, when we’re done playing with the little papers, we’re gonna head down to Memphis and make sure justice is served down there too right?

Merrick Garland: I sincerely hope so.

Conrad Nance: Yeah, you damn right. Just making sure.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.