For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai
The Lost Deep Thoughts
Announcer: And now: The Lost Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey.
Jack Handey V/O: “Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see
is a mosquito sucking on a mummy.
Forget it, little friend.”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
September 27th, 1997
Sylvester Stallone
Jamiroquai
None
Richard Jewell OprahSummary: Marv Albert (Norm MacDonald) discusses his bizarre sexual fetishes with Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows).
Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Marc Albert, Mike Tyson.
Transcript
Montage
Sylvester Stallone’s MonologueSummary: Rocky’s fight mananger, Mickey (Jim Breuer), helps Sylvester Stallone prepare to do a monologue befitting of a champ.
Recurring Characters: Mr. T.
Bio: Sylvester Stallone (1946-). Actor/director/producer/screenwriter; wrote and starred in the 1976 Academy Award winning Best Picture, “Rocky”, which has spawned five sequels; also starred in the Rambo film series, beginning with “First Blood” (1982); a shareholder of the Planet Hollywood restaurant franchise.
Xerox Assjet 790Summary: The printer that perfects ass duplication every time.
Rita’s New CarSummary: Rita DelVecchio (Cheri Oteri) is thrilled about the new Cadillac her husband Vinnie (Sylvester Stallone) just bought, until she finds out her neighbor Janelle (Molly Shannon) got the first ride before her.
Recurring Characters: Rita DelVecchio.
Transcript
Car AccidentSummary: After witnessing a horrific automobile accident, Sylvester Stallone attempts to comfort the dying victim (Norm MacDonald) who keeps badmouthing all of his movies.
Transcript
The Roxbury GuysSummary: Steve (Will Ferrell) and Doug Butabi (Chris Kattan) take Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) club-hopping, where they learn that the nimble boxer doesn’t know how to dance.
Recurring Characters: Steve Butabi, Doug Butabi.
Transcript
Reno’s InvestigationSummary: Janet Reno (Will Ferrell) takes a sock in the chest from Richard Jewell.
Recurring Characters: Janet Reno, President Bill Clinton.
TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel has “Fun With Real Audio” by giving Humphrey Bogart problems with flatulence during outtakes from “Casablanca.”
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) sings “Sausage of Pain.” Norm MacDonald interrogates wrongly-accused Olympic Park bomber suspect, Richard Jewell.
Recurring Characters: Cinder Calhoun.
Transcript
Jamiroquai performs “Alright”Summary: As Sylvester Stallone introduces the night’s musical guest, a riled-up Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) demands to know why he wasn’t ask to co-star in “Copland” with the other Martin Scorcese regulars.
Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci.
Bio: English acid jazz/funk/soul band; members: Jason Kay, Derrick McKenzie, Sola Akingbola, Toby Smith, Wallis Buchanan, Simon Katz, Stuart Zender, DJ D-Zire – Turntables, John Thirkell.
Orange JuliusSummary: A demented computer salesman (Sylvester Stallone) longs for the days when the building was still an Orange Julius.
Transcript
The Lost Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey reflects on a mosquito trying to suck blood from a mummy.
Transcript
Planet HollywoodSummary: Two of Sylvester Stallone’s biggest fans (Tracy Morgan, Jim Breuer) bother him at the opening of the newest Planet Hollywood.
Transcript
Lou’s Lovely DaughtersSummary: Aging dad, Lou (Sylvester Stallone), uses a cable access show in his desperate attempt to find husbands for his less-than-appealing adult daughters.
Recurring Characters: Francesca, Maria, Josephine.
Transcript
More Songs I Rewrote To Honor Dead PeopleSummary: Elton John (Will Ferrell) has retooled “Candle in the Wind” in honor of Princess Di, but that’s just the beginning of his self-plagierism.
Recurring Characters: Elton John.
Note: This sketch had to be cut off early because the show was running long. It aired in full a few weeks later, when it was edited into a repeat of an episode hosted by Rob Lowe from the previous season. Incidentally, that repeat had previously been interrupted by the news of Princess Di’s death, and the same edited rebroadcast resurfaced during a Classic SNL airing years later.
GoodnightsTranscript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 23: 1997-1998]]>
Starring:
Episodes
SummarySaturday Night Live entered its 23rd season with hardly any changes. Mark McKinney was gone, but featured performer Colin Quinn was promoted to full cast member (though hardly noticed the first half of the season). Rob Smigel’s “TV Funhouse” was overshadowed throughout the year by a naughty puppet sketch called “The Go-Lords”, and Jack Handey returned his humor to the show with “The Lost Deep Thoughts”, a restructured version of his “Deep Thoughts” which dominated SNL in the early 90’s.
Halfway through the season, NBC West Coast President Don Ohlmeyer fired Norm MacDonald from his duties as Weekend Update Anchor, placing Colin Quinn behind the desk for the January 11th, 1998 show. Ohlmeyer insisted MacDonald was not funny on Update, but did find him funny in sketches, which MacDonald felt were not his strong points. By the March 7th, 1998 broadcast, Norm MacDonald parted ways with SNL to seek fame and fortune through other venues.
At the center of this unbalanced season can be found a guest appearance by Jack Nicholson, offering his opinion of castmembers’ impressions of him (“You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”), and walking in on a therapy session for the Roxbury Guys.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion … Colin Quinn
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald.Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesdayagainst Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’sfirst female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused ofconducting an adulterous affair with a married man aswell as having a brief fling with a second airman andthen lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor calledher, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commandingofficer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.”Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. …[applause]
Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out morethan seven hundred and fifty million in a courtsettlement when it admitted that its cigarettes areaddictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiledits new warning label. It reads: “Warning: Don’t tryto sue us, we don’t have any money left.”
Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved anoutline of a deal between President Clinton andcongressional leaders to balance the budget. But bothsides caution it is not set in stone. In order tobecome official, of course, it must still be approvedby this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderlybespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] … He’s gotta–
Man in Audience: Boo!
Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? …[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.
It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutorsMarcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexuallyexplicit notes back and forth at the trial, noteswhich discussed each other’s, quote, “turn ons.” And,according to the notes, both Darden and Clark areturned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz![Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defenseattorney Alan Dershowitz]
Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining todo. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown andGoldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave thecountry. In the back seat of his Bronco, police foundO. J.’s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fakebeard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]
According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, HenriettaCollins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out ofher life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pullstape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Noteto self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins ofher life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first…. [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfullyto return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pocketsrecorder] …
This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressedpublished reports that her husband had an extramaritalaffair saying, quote, “Frank did and always does whatis right.” Kathie Lee’s statement has been widelyinterpreted as a public admission that her husbandbeats her. … [applause]
Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapesof several bears in the tristate area — That can’t betrue! — and several animal attacks in the news. … Ithink we just made up the story here. We have broughtin someone who can help us shed some light on thisoutbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see allover the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion ishere! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan overto Lenny]
Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I knowwhy those bears ran away. The zoo can be a roughplace. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let meout to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.They won’t let you make phone calls. I can’t make themanyway because– [holds up a paw, no opposable thumbwith which to hold a phone] … They open up all yourmail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on theDiscovery Channel. …
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that – that doesn’t seemright. But– And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,though, Lenny.
Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation touphold. If you’re the lion, everybody is gonna tryyou. It’s that street mentality. I had it, too. ButI’m tryin’ to change. I thought– I used to think thatif I was killin’ an ostrich or something, that was mynatural instinct. But I been discussin’ it with mycounselor. It’s not my natural instinct, Norm. It’sall about my father. You know? … I was just actingout his rage. I know that now. I understand it. Imean, one day, I just – I just did a kill, I’mstandin’ over a bloody carcass, there’s flieseverywhere, the vultures are circling, I have bloodand bone all over me, I’m roaring. And I just caughtmy reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Isthis how people see me? … Is this how I’m comin’across? I didn’t want to look at myself so I’d ratherjust kill you. So, now, I don’t hang around with otherlions. I’ll stop by and say hello. But they alwaysstart in with, “Let’s kill this one, let’s kill that.”… It’s the same conversation we were havin’ twentyyears ago! … Now, I’m tryin’ to change. I’m seein’somebody. She’s got a kid by a tiger. You know? …[applause] The kid – the kid don’t wanna listen to me’cause I’m not his real father, so we don’t get along.I still got a lot o’ guilt over my teenage daughterfrom my first mating. She’s in an abusive situationbut she don’t want to leave. … She’s with one ofthese wannabes, tryin’ to be a gangsta. He ain’t hard.I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. Youknow? … You’re a father, right, Norm?
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a – I have ason.
Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wannabreak this chain of violence that gets passed downthrough the generations.
Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it’s differentfor you, Lenny. Lenny, you’re the King of theJungle!
Lenny the Lion: If that’s how you need to seeme, Norm, okay, I’m the King of the Jungle. But Idon’t need to be the King of the Jungle for you, orthe rhinos, or the reptiles, or some “Law of Nature”hype. Bein’ the King of the Jungle’s gotten all myfriends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some richguy’s wall. Today, I can just be “Lenny” — the Lion.A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Furis murder. Thank you.
Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lennyexits]
In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for oneof the area’s leading political figures, attended bythe city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board ofsupervisors, culminated with a performance in which adominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic starinto the back of her male partner, then urinated onhim, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquorbottle. After learning of the incident from pressreports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outragethat the liquor bottle was not recycled.
In his new film, “Legionnaire,” action starJean-Claude Van Damme will join the French ForeignLegion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920sParis who flees a mob boss after falling in love withthe man’s mistress. Also, although it doesn’t sayanything here about it, uh, I’ll bet there’s plentyof, uh — of kicking!
Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature onWeekend Update: “In Their Own Words.” As you remember,last month in the televised town meeting on kids anddrugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and theaudience as well, when he said, quote, “I receive manyletters from five year old kids around the country,telling me that they are frightened and asking for myhelp.” Earlier this week the White House released thetext of some of these letters.[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,a five year old child, writes: “Dear Mr. President:When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayermoney on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they canjoin you in your efforts to protect Medicare and theenvironment and to expand the earned income taxcredit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.” [Photo ofgirl] Here’s one from … from Elizabeth A. of LongIsland who wrote: “Dear President Clinton, NewtGingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,Paula Jones was asking for it.” … “In Their OwnWords.”
Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,effective next year, Michigan will set aside anallotment of hunting licenses for blind people. …This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. …They– [applause]
Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state willreceive twenty million dollars in federal funds tohelp teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiiansout of twenty million dollars by pretending to be aguy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note toself: Before I start, also learn to read. …That will help give the scam what we like to call”credibility.” [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like amaniac, pockets recorder] … That’s a bigword.
A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.Mayor Marion Barry’s popularity among city residentshas dropped to its lowest point in five years.However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest inpolls or, for that matter, anything else that isn’tcrack. … He has – Really has no interest in– Whatthe hell good are polls gonna do him?
Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicatethat David Hasselhoff is a major recording star inthat country, where his concerts routinely sell outand his albums turn platinum. Which once again provesmy old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [verymild reaction from crowd]
And it’s been fun, folks! Thank you!
[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk andstarts to take the microphone off his necktie.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
Submitted Anonymously
Space: The Infinite Frontier
Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Ken Waller…..Jeff Goldblum
Station Manager…..Mark McKinney
Announcer: From the outer most reaches of the universe, to the inner most planets of our solar syatem, This is “Space The Infinite Frontier” with your host Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.
Harry Caray: Hi everybody Harry Caray here, and welcome to Space The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya, joining us in the studio today all the way from Cal-Tech is astrophysicist Dr. Ken Waller. Welcome to the show Ken.
Dr. Ken Waller: Thank You! It’s nice to be here.
Harry Caray: Now Dr. recently they discovered that there might be life on one of the moons of Jupiter. Now that’s gotta be exciting for ya.
Dr. Ken Waller: Oh yes Harry were thrilled to discover that there theoretically life could exist below the surface of planets due to the heat caused by volcanic activity.
Harry Caray: That’s something else. Let me ask what’s your favorite planet.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well, I don’t have a favorite. I find them all fascinating there all a part of a-
Harry Caray: Mine’s the sun. Always has been. I like it because it’s like the king of planets.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well, Actually Harry it’s not a planet it’s a star.
Harry Caray: Well! Planet or starwhen that thing burns out were all gonna be dead.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well that’s true but it’s not gonna burn out for a very long time.
Harry Caray: I hope not. Dr. have you ever seen an eclipse.
Dr. Ken Waller: Ah! Yeah I’ve seen many.
Harry Caray: You know if you stare at it head on it’ll burn your eyes out.
Dr. Ken Waller: Well it’s not best to stare at the sun in an eclipse.
Harry Caray: Well it’s hard not to. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over a hour.
Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you do that?
Harry Caray: Curiosity I guess. Heck I’m curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.
Dr. Ken Waller: Because your curious like a cat.
Harry Caray: Yes! Hey! Now Ken we all know thta the moon is noty made of green cheese.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! That’s true Harry.
Harry Caray: But what if it were made of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it then.
Dr. Ken Waller: What!
Harry Caray: I know I would. Heck I’d have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall cool budweiser. I would do it.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yeah!
Harry Caray: Would you.
Dr. Ken Waller: I’m confused.
Harry Caray: It’s a simple question. Would you eat the monon if it were made of ribs.
Dr. Ken Waller: I don’t know how to answer that.
Harry Caray: It’s not rocket science. Just say yes ans will move on.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yes!
Harry Caray: Hey! How bout this mad cow disease.
Dr. Ken Waller: What about it.
Harry Caray: Well it was here for a while then it went away.
Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! Yes! it was in the news for a while then it disappeared.
Harry Caray: Good point! I hpe I never get it. Hey! What about this. If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease what would it be.
Dr. Ken Waller: well! Of course I would choose to be the the top scientist in my field.
Harry Caray: Oh good! I was worried you’d choose mad cow.
Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you think that.
Harry Caray: I don’t know I’m just a worrier I guess. That’s why my friends call me whiskers.
Dr. Ken Waller: I thought you said your friends call you Whiskers cause you’re curious as a cat.
Harry Caray: Well Dr. Waller it has been a pleasure. We’ve covered a lot of ground and shared a few laughs thanks for coming on.
Dr. Ken Waller: My pleasure.
Harry Caray: He’s a good kid. That’s all the time we he have join us next week with our guest Albert Einstein.
(Station manager whispers into Harry Caray’s ear)
Harry Caray: What! Well apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago. You know what, we’ll try to get him anyway. See you next time. Cubs win! Cubs win!
Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!
Larry King’s News & Views II
Larry King…..Norm MacDonald
[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]
Announcer: If you’re still not reading “LarryKing’s News & Views,” then you shouldn’t be reading atall.
Larry King: [into the camera] Blue is wonderfulbut yellow is the best color.
I don’t care what anyone says, in my book, JeffreyDahmer was not a cannibal.
When actor Harry Hamlin is on the tube, it’simpossible to look away.
Two “must-dos” when visiting Atlanta: you must visitthe Martin Luther King Memorial and you musttry the cole slaw at Ezra’s.
Here’s my question of the day, folks: Why arereservations good if you make them at a restaurant butbad if you force Indians to live on them?
Of all the hosts of “The Tonight Show,” one of the twoor three greatest has got to be Johnny Carson.
Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”
Larry King: Somebody ought to tell all thesecigarette smokers – it just ain’t safe, gang!
Submitted Anonymously
Larry King’s News & Views I
Larry King…..Norm MacDonald
[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]
Announcer: If you’re not reading “Larry King’sNews & Views” in USA Today, then you’re missing out onthe issues that matter.
Larry King: [into the camera] This is “News andViews.” Here’s my two cents, gang. If you only see onefilm the rest of your life, it should be – “Dante’sPeak”!
Yours truly will be in Branson, Missouri next week foran exclusive interview with – Eddie Rabbitt.
The more I think about it, the more I appreciatewater. A great, great beverage.
Is it just me or is anyone else sick and tired – ofthe Special Olympics?
Promoter Don King: one class act!
I don’t ever remember wearing a hat. Not once. Notever!
I dined with O. J. Simpson in Los Angeles last weekand, take it from me, folks, the Juice is still a herowherever he goes.
Of all the causes of death, burning in a fire is stillNumero Uno in the pain department.
There isn’t a better chef in the world of food thanChef Boyardee.
I have no tolerance for people who bury other peoplealive.
Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”
Submitted Anonymously
Jerry “Steve” Dave
Molly … Molly Shannon
Mr. Bradley … Jeff Goldblum
Mr. Dave … Tim Meadows
[Receptionist Molly enters a plush executive officewith a file folder and approaches her boss, Mr.Bradley, who sits at his stylish desk. Both aredressed expensively but tastefully. Reproductions ofpaintings by fine modern artists decorate the paneledwalls.]
Molly: Mmm. Uh, Mr. Dave is here to see you,sir.
Mr. Bradley: Who?
Molly: Uh, Mr. Dave, he’s, uh, he’s here tointerview for the engineer position.
Mr. Bradley: Oh, right, right, right. Did hefill out an, a, uh, an application?
Molly: Yeah, he did. [hands him the filefolder] It’s right – it’s right in here …
Mr. Bradley: Okay.
Molly: … so you can look at that.
Mr. Bradley: Thank you. Send him rightin.
Molly: Okay. [calls to Mr. Dave] Mr. Dave?Right this way.
[Molly exits once Mr. Dave enters, wearing an oldyellow shirt that reads HAWAII ’88. He shakes handswith Mr. Bradley who is stunned at Mr. Dave’sastonishingly casual dress for a high-tech jobinterview.]
Mr. Dave: Hey! Thanks for seein’ me, Mr.Bradley!
Mr. Bradley: Hi…
Mr. Dave: Yeah.
Mr. Bradley: … Mr. Dave. Have a seat. Mypleasure. [they sit] Say, can I give you a tip for thefuture? This – this shirt you’re wearing …?
Mr. Dave: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [proudly] I gotthis in Hawaii in 1988. … You can’t get ’em any moreand this one is NOT for sale.
Mr. Bradley: [decides not to say anything aboutit] Oh, okay. … [reads the application] Uh, well,let’s just – let’s just go ‘head and see what yourapplication says, Mr. Jerry Dave.
Mr. Dave: Yeah, but, uh, you can call me”Steve.”
Mr. Bradley: [gives him a look] Okay, Steve.[consults application] Uh, when asked why you wantedthe job of engineer, you put, “To fake an injury andsue you. No, just kidding.” … “To make free Xeroxesof my one-man show, entitled ‘Jerry “Steve” Dave’sSongs in the Key of Steve’ – Just kidding again.” [Mr.Dave laughs, grins, nods his head at his joke] Uh,”Really, so I can buy a boatload of fireworks andcelebrate the Fourth of July in style.”
Mr. Dave: Yeah, you know, I have two loves inmy life — uh, Fourth of July and, of course,teamwork.
Mr. Bradley: Really? And yet, and yet, on yourapplication, you put here, “Teamwork is for suckers.When I’m hired, I will do to teamwork what Napoleondid to Japan.”
Mr. Dave: Yeah, he – he conquered Japan,right?
Mr. Bradley: No.
Mr. Dave: [turns on the charm] Come on, man.I’m Jerry “Steve” Dave, the Magic Man! [grins, wiggleshis eyebrows]
Mr. Bradley: [taken aback] Okay. I – I’m notsure what that means, uh, but, uh, you know, this -this job requires, uh, a college degree in the fieldof electrical engineering and, uh, for education, yousay here you’ve completed “a few freestyle potterycourses at the Learning Annex.” So–
Mr. Dave: Yeah, yeah, see, I’ve been reallyhittin’ the books really hard lately to show that I’m,um — what’s the word I’m lookin’ for?Supergood! Yeah, that’s the word. I’m – I’mreally supergood at things.
Mr. Bradley: Okay. “Super good” is two words,by the way. But, uh, ah … Say, let me – let me askyou something. Uh …
Mr. Dave: Mm hmm?
Mr. Bradley: Wh – where do you see yourself in,like, say, uh, ten years?
Mr. Dave: Wow. Ten years. That’s a long asstime, man. … Um, I don’t know what I’m gonna bedoin’ but it would definitely involve this souped-upKawasaki jet ski …
Mr. Bradley: Uh huh.
Mr. Dave: That’s right, you heard me. … And,uh, let’s see, uh, I don’t know, what else did I puton that application there?
Mr. Bradley: Ah, that “my ten year goal is toget a souped-up Kawasaki jet ski.” Ah, that’s all youwrote.
Mr. Dave: Yeah? Well, that’s all I want! …[smiles, claps his hands together and rubs thementhusiastically] So, when do I start?
Mr. Bradley: Mr. Dave, uh, I’m gonna be honestwith ya. I really don’t think, uh, that you – that youthought this thing through.
Mr. Dave: Really? Did I happen to mention thatI have “101 Dalmatians” on laserdisc? [winks broadly,clicks his tongue]
Mr. Bradley: [rises] N-no, you didn’t. Uh, so,uh, listen, I’m sure you want to get on with your day,so we gotta – we gotta let you leave.
Mr. Dave: [threateningly] You shouldleave.
Mr. Bradley: [more confused than scared]What?
Mr. Dave: [instantly nonchalant] Nothin’.[smiles, rises]
Mr. Bradley: Okay. Come on. Let’s go. [the twomen walk to the door]
Mr. Dave: You’re makin’ a big mistake, man.
Mr. Bradley: Well–
Mr. Dave: [grandly] I am Jerry “Steve” Dave,the Magic Man!
Mr. Bradley: [opening the door for Mr. Dave]You said that before, you said that before. Thanks somuch. [offers to shake hands]
Mr. Dave: Hey, you, uh, you wanna get stoned?[pulls out a joint and holds it up]
Mr. Bradley: What? My God in Heaven, please![pushes Mr. Dave out the door] Get out of here. [Mr.Dave exits, a shaken Mr. Bradley calls for hisreceptionist] Molly! Molly! Jesus. [Mr. Bradley shutsthe door and looks baffled as we fadeout.]
Submitted Anonymously
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
May 17th, 1997
Jeff Goldblum
En Vogue
None
Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.
Goldblum endures Jim Breuer’s dinosaur impressions.
(Repeat) See: 09/28/96.
Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) has perfect match in departing teacher (Goldblum).Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.
Harry Caray (Will Ferrell) would eat the moon if it were made of ribs.Recurring Characters: Harry Caray.
“Fun With Real Audio” uncovers tue meaning of “talk show trash”.
Recurring Characters: Circe Nightshade, Azrael Abyss.
Recurring Characters: Lenny the Lion.
Members of the Kennedy Family compete on game show.Recurring Characters: Ted Kennedy.
Larry King (Norm MacDonald) further dispenses odd statements.Recurring Characters: Larry King.
Janet Blaum (Ana Gasteyer) fails to tell off union boss (Goldblum) successfully.Recurring Characters: Janet Blaum.
Vic Ocasek’s (Goldblum) rock-and-roll camp features only former rock stars.
Jerry Steve Dave (Tim Meadows) provides for a strange job interview.
Larry King (Norm MacDonald) voices more personal thoughts.Recurring Characters: Larry King.
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
… Norm MacDonald
Dominican Lou … Tracy Morgan
… Will Ferrell
[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!
[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk, basking inthe applause. He removes the clip from his sheaf ofpapers and clears his throat.]
Norm MacDonald: Thanks. I’m Norm MacDonald andnow the fake news. Our top story tonight:
In court documents made public this week, independentcounsel Kenneth Starr told a federal judge thatHillary Clinton is now a, quote, “central figure” inthe Whitewater criminal probe. Reacting to the news,President Clinton called the investigation “a partisanwitch hunt,” vowing, quote, “If the First Lady issomehow convicted and has to go to jail, I will doeverything in my power to wait two weeks to startdating.” … [applause and a few cheers]
Meanwhile, FBI Director Louis Freeh said this weekthat Attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflictof interest in her investigation of Democraticfundraising. Freeh also pointed out that Reno mighthave a conflict of interest between her X and Ychromosomes.
There was some good news for Michael Kennedy this weekwhen the parents of the teenage babysitter with whomhe had a five year affair decided not to pursuecriminal charges. However, a lawyer for thebabysitter’s family called Kennedy a, quote, “sick,pathetic individual,” while the County DistrictAttorney described him as a, quote, “alcoholic cradlerobber.” The only kind words came from his uncle,Senator Ted Kennedy, who called him, quote, “aninspiration.” … [cheers and applause]
Real estate mogul Donald Trump announced this weekthat after three-and-a-half years of marriage he isseeking a divorce from wife Marla Maples. According toTrump, Maples violated part of their marriageagreement when she decided to turn thirty. … Thatwas – unacceptable!
At their annual convention this week, board members ofthe National Rifle Association narrowly elected actorCharlton Heston vice-president of the powerful gunlobby. According to Heston, his first priority will bea push to legalize the hunting of, quote, “damn dirtyapes”!
In Alabama, a new state law will dramatically increasethe penalty for bouncing a check. [Norm pulls taperecorder out of his pocket, activates it and speaksinto it] Note to self: Cancel summer vacation plans inAlabama. Find state more accommodating to the NormMacDonald lifestyle. [nods, grins, pocketsrecorder]
On Wednesday, world chess champion Gary Kasparov tiedDeep Blue, the IBM supercomputer that can examine twohundred million positions per second, in the fourthgame of their six game series. Earlier in the week,Kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder ingame two when he failed to force a draw by moving rookto e8, opting instead for a Caro Kann defense thatsoon transposed into a Pribyl defense which, afterDeep Blue moved bishop to e7, gave him the advantagewith his ninth position. With all due respect to Mr.Kasparov … What the hell were you thinking?
Norm MacDonald: Here with a further comment onthe Kasparov/Deep Blue match is Weekend Update chesscorrespondent, and building superintendent at 901Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our own Dominican Lou!Hi, Dominican Lou.
[Cheers and applause for Dominican Lou, a cheerful manwith a thick Dominican accent who waves to thecrowd.]
Dominican Lou: Gracias, gracias. Gracias. Thankyou, Norm. I watching the chess player against thecomputer Deep Blue. I know how he feels. I playdominoes last week with Felix. He live up the block.He always bragging about nobody can beat him. But Ibea’ him. I bea’ him, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, you –?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: Oh, that’s great. You beat him,huh?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: Ya beat him?
Dominican Lou: I bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: You beat him?
Dominican Lou: [reluctantly tells the truth]No, I lose to him. … But if I can get the computerto come to my block, then I can teach the computer toplay dominoes. Then the computer can bea’ him. They -then he shut up.
Norm MacDonald: Well, I–
Dominican Lou: He can bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. I – I don’t think that’sgonna happen, Lou. I – I don’t think that the computeris gonna learn dominoes.
Dominican Lou: No. I play all of my life. I canteach the computer to play dominoes in one day. Andthen it can bea’ him.
Norm MacDonald: No, no …
Dominican Lou: It can bea’ him!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, that’s – that’s notwhat I – that’s not what I mean, uh, Dominican Lou. Imean, I don’t think it’s – it’s thatimportant.
Dominican Lou: No. It’s important if you knowFelix. He’s a big mouth.
Norm MacDonald: [thinks he understands] Ahhh! Isee. So what you’re saying, then, is that this is notabout you and Felix. This is about the age-old battleof man versus machine.
Dominican Lou: Nooo. It’s basically about Felixand the mo’chine. Felix versus the mo’chine. You hearthat, Felix? Norm is going to bring his computer andhe’s going to give you– he’s going to whip you’ ass!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I’m not.
Dominican Lou: He is not afraid of you and yourbrothers! Come down to the studio!
Norm MacDonald: No, no, I am.
Dominican Lou: Come down here!
Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I am.
Dominican Lou: He bust you up good!
Norm MacDonald: No, I’m afraid of you, Felix!
Dominican Lou: He bea’ you!
Norm MacDonald: Dominican Lou, everybody![cheers and applause]
Dominican Lou: Come down!
Norm MacDonald: No, don’t do that. I’m deathlyafraid of Felix.
This week – this week, New York Senator Al D’Amatorepeated his claim that, during the Second World War,Switzerland aided the Nazi war effort and helpedlaunder money stolen from Jews. These charges are theresults of a lengthy, thorough investigation by thesenator which proves, quote, “beyond a shadow of adoubt” that New York has lots and lots of Jewishvoters, and no Swiss voters.
Last week in Cleveland, the rock group Crosby, Stillsand Nash was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall ofFame. In addition, a special lifetime achievementaward was presented to David Crosby’s liver. [Photo ofa liver] … Congratulations, David Crosby’sliver.
In other music news, Paul McCartney will take part inhis first live online chat May the 17th and a recordtwo-and-a-half million calls have already come in frompeople hoping to have an actual moment of contact withthe former Beatle. Although it should be noted thattwo million of those calls came from Ringo Starr, so… When you factor that into it– Yeah, I’ll go overhere– [turns to another camera]
In Washington, D.C., public school officials areasking parents to help pay for needed equipment suchas a new state-of-the-art surveillance system that onearea school has requested. According to the school’sprincipal, the new system will help him monitorcheerleaders that he claims like to vandalize schoolproperty while showering. … I don’t think he’s agood principal at all, that character.
And, in North Carolina, the Bowman Gray School ofMedicine is looking for twenty habitual marijuanasmokers who they’ll provide with free pot in order tostudy the effects of the drug. [takes out recorderagain, crowd cheers and applauds anticipating thejoke] … Note to self: Spend summer vacation atBowman Gray School of Medicine and … maybe takeTimmy Meadows along with you. [pockets recorder,cheers and applause]
In an attempt to secure federal funding, a rural Idahocounty wants the State Transportation Board todesignate some of its roads as “back country byways.”To strengthen their case, local officials plan tosexually assault Ned Beatty. [Photo of actor NedBeatty, well-remembered for his role as the rednecks’rape victim in the film “Deliverance”]
Norm MacDonald: Well, by now, most of you haveseen, or heard, about last week’s episode of “Ellen”in which the main character, played by EllenDeGeneres, announced that she is gay. Here to commenton “Ellen,” our very own Will Ferrell. Hi, Will.[cheers and applause for Will Ferrell who looks nattyin a suit and tie]
Will Ferrell: Hi, Norm, thank you. Likeeveryone in the country, I saw the historic episode of”Ellen” and, of course, I loved it. I don’t know whatit is but when a first class comedian spoofs gaypeople, it always makes me laugh. Hey, let’s face it,gays are funny. I loved Billy Crystal on “Soap” andthat Harvey Fierstein impression of a homosexualcouldn’t be more dead-on. Heck, even I do a funny gayguy around the office. You know, Judy Garland,fresh-cut flowers, interior decorating. It’s all ingood fun. Why not? I’m no homophobe. So, EllenDeGeneres, I salute you. There’s no controversy here.She’s just a damn good comedian who’s able to get goodlaughs pretending she’s a lesbian. And if that’swrong, then that’s my kinda wrong!
Norm MacDonald: Well, well, Will, now, she’s -she’s not exactly pretending.
Will Ferrell: How’s that?
Norm MacDonald: I mean, she wasn’t on the coverof Time Magazine for pretending she was gay. She – shereally is gay.
Will Ferrell: Ellen DeGeneres is gay? The – thereal Ellen DeGeneres?
Norm MacDonald: Yes. She’s a lesbian.
Will Ferrell: [suddenly looks ill] Oh, my god… Oh– I’m gonna be sick. [puts a hand to his mouthand turns away from Norm] Oh, God– [yellow vomitspews out of his mouth onto the floor]
Norm MacDonald: God, are – are you okay there,buddy? I–
Will Ferrell: No!
Norm MacDonald: Will, Will, are you – are youall right?
Will Ferrell: No, I’m not!
Norm MacDonald: It – it – it – it’s not a bigdeal. … [Will puts his head down on the desk (inpart to conceal the vomit leaking from thepuke-spewing device hidden in his sleeve)] Will, it’sokay. It’s okay. She just has– She has sex with -with women, that’s all. She has–
Will Ferrell: God, why did you put that dirty,sickening imagine in my mind?! Oh, no, here it comesagain! [pukes again, all over the desk]
Norm MacDonald: Good God, she’s just alesbian!
Will Ferrell: Oh, stop it please! Sto– [stillmore puke, this time in Norm’s direction – Norm backsaway, arms in the air – Will falls out of his chairand drops to the floor, disappearing behind the desk]
Norm MacDonald: There’s Will Ferrell,everybody! [applause and cheers] Will Ferrell. [Normpicks up his vomit-speckled sheaf of papers gingerly,then sets it next to the puddle of puke atop the desk,wiping his hands as he reads the next item:]
Well, in Albany, New York, Susan John has asked toresign as chairwoman of the State Assembly Alcohol andDrug Abuse Committee following her arrest ondrunk-driving charges. On the bright side for Ms.John, she has been asked to chair the Assembly’sCommittee on Irony. … [pulls out tape recorder] Noteto self: Never ever follow a vomit-spewing guy with ajoke.
[Norm pockets the recorder, then scoops up some vomitoff the desk with his bare hand and eats it – thehorrified crowd groans and hollers loudly – Norm givesthe crowd a look, as if to say, “What’s the bigdeal?”] It’s good, it’s quite good! [licking hisfingers] Normally, I – Normally, I don’t like WillFerrell vomit but this is actually very good! …[still licking his fingers] Let’s just end it! Folks!That’s the news. Good night!
[Applause. Norm cautiously takes the microphone offhis necktie. Music. Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]
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