Kevin Brennan…..Randy Quaid Supporter #1…..Joan Cusack Supporter #2…..Billy Martin Supporter #3…..Danita Vance Leader…..Nora Dunn Supporter…..Robert Downey Jr. Supporter…..Terry Sweeney
FADE IN:
[ PROMOTIONAL FOOTAGE from VOICES OF AMERICA’S “HANDS ACROSS AMERICA” MUSIC VIDEO ]
Chorus: [singing] “Hands Across America Hands across the land I love Divided We Fall United We Stand Hands Across America”
[ EXT. TEXAS – DAY ]
[ SUPER: SOMEWHERE IN WEST TEXAS ]
Leader: Listen, everybody! Listen!! Please, stop, please!! There are pickpockets working the lines! If you feel your pocket is being picked, do not hold… don’t stop holding hands! Shout for help!! Okay!? THIS IS HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!!!
[ The crowd cheers. ]
Supporter #1: So what made you want to do this, huh?
Supporter #2: When I saw that Chernobyl thing, I said to myself, “This nuclear madness has got to stop!”
Supporter #1: Well, this is for the homeless…
Supporter #2: Homeless?
Supporter #1: Yeah… this is to raise money for the homeless.
Supporter #2: Those bums!? Oh, well… As long as I’m here, I’ll stay.
[ KEVIN BRENNAN, a disabled athlete, hobbles in. ]
Kevin Brennan: Excuse me, could I get in through here, please?
Supporter #3: I’m sorry…
Kevin Brennan: Please! I have to get through.
Supporter #1: We can’t let go. I’m sorry but we can’t let go.
Kevin Brennan: Don’t you know who I am!? Huh? Huh?
Supporter #2: No.
Kevin Brennan: I’m Kevin Brennan — the one-legged runner. Huh? I’m running from Texas to Minnesota to call attention to the dangers of cleats on mall escalators.
Supporter #3: No, I haven’t. But I’m sorry, we can’t break the chain — this is Hands Across America.
Kevin Brennan: You mean this goes all the way across the continent!?
Supporter #2: Yep.
Kevin Brennan: Why are you doing this!?
Supporter #1: To raise money for the homeless.
Kevin Brennan: What? Those bums!? Come on! Let me through!
Supporter #3: We wish we could, but we can’t!
Kevin Brennan: So basically, what you’re telling me is – you’re not gonna let me though?
Supporter #1: Pretty much… Yeah!
Kevin Brennan: Great!! Well, thanks a lot! I guess I’ll see if I can have any further luck down the line. Oh, but first, there’s something I want to say to you people… Oh, golly… I forgot what I wanted to say… oh, yeah! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[ dissolve to Cast Dressing Room – remaining cast trapped by the smoldering flames ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Survive?” ]
[ SUPER: “Who Will Perish?” ]
[ SUPER: “Tune in October 11th” ]
[ credits roll, reading “Executive Producer: Lorne Michaels? – Producers: Al Franken? Tom Davis?” and so on, until a giant red “?” appears in the middle of the screen ]
[ open on Tracy and Dana talking in a kitchen. Dana is seated, as Tracy pours another cup of coffee. ]
Tracy: The main thing is to give yourself a little slack, Dana. [ she sits at the table ] You can’t expect to solve all of the world’s problems by yourself.
Dana: I know – you’re right, as usual. But, you know.. boy.. I really am glad I have you to listen to my problems, because I’d be in bad shape if it wasn’t for you.
Tracy: Oh, come on!
Dana: No, really! You know, you have such a great outlook on life.
Tracy: Well, thanks.
Dana: And, now, what happens when you have a problem? Do you have a friend that you can talk things over with?
Tracy: A friend? [ sentimental piano music begins to play ] Yes, I suppose you could call him a.. “friend.” In fact, I have to say he’s the best “friend” I’ve ever had.
Dana: Oh, that’s great! Your friend, uh, does he live here in town?
Tracy: Yes, in a way, he does live here in town. You might even say he’s been around here longer than you or I have.
Dana: Ohhh, sounds like an older guy.
Tracy: Yes, I.. suppose you could say he’s old in years, and I guess some people might even say he’s old-fashioned or behind the times, but.. you know something? Sometimes I find the things he says are just as timely as today’s newspapers.
Dana: I’d like to meet your friend. Where does he live?
Tracy: Oh. I bet you’ve walked by his.. “house” many times without even realizing it. In fact, my “friend” has lots of.. “houses” all over the world.
Dana: [ impressed ] Ohhh, sounds like a rich guy.
Tracy: Rich? Oh, I suppose he’s rich, in a way. But, in another sense, he has no use for gold or silver —
Dana: Well. I’d like to meet your friend sometime, to talk to him.
Tracy: I try to talk to my “friend” at least once a day. And, you know, it makes me feel better. Maybe you’d like to join me today.
Dana: [ excited ] Oh! Oh, sure, but.. I’d have to change. You know, I’m not really dressed up.
Tracy: You know, I have a funny feeling my “friend” won’t mind at all! [ a knock is heard at the door ] Huh? He’s here early today!
[ Tracy stands, as Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame enters through the kitchen door ]
Dana: Hello there!
Tracy: Dana, Colonel Sanders – Colonel Sanders, Dana!
Dana: Hi!
Colonel Sanders: Hi.
Dana: Oh, Tracy’s given me a really big build-up about you!
Colonel Sanders: Well, it’s an honor to meet you, Dana. Oh, what did she say, I’m Superman and Phil Donahue all rolled up in one?
Colonel Sanders: Well, well, I’m relaly just a good listener. That’s so rare these days. Uh.. so, Dana, uh – uh – what’s your name? [ Billy Martin breaks character ] Hey, can we do this over? I think I can do it —
Joan Cusack: [ breaks character ] Billy, Billy! Billy, you’re drunk!
Billy Martin: I had two beers!
Danitra Vance: [ breaks character ] Oh, you promised, Billy!
Tracy: Oh, Billy, how could you do this?! Not to us, but to yourself?!
Billy Martin: [ defensive ] I just had two beers!!
Tracy & Dana: Ohhhh!!
[ Joan and Danitra stomp off the set, as Billy looks dumbfounded behind his Colonel Sanders make-up ]
[ Lorne Michaels storms onto the set ]
Lorne Michaels: Billy, that’s it! You can’t do live television! You’re blowing cues all night – you’re fired! Outta here! [ storms away ]
Billy Martin: [ waving his arms ] Good! Good!! I don’t want your charity! The hell with ya! [ overturns the kitchen table, then storms off the opposite side of the set ]
[ the head of Mephistopheles materializes at the center of the screen, laughing and coughing maniacally ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 11: Episode 18 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
May 24th, 1986 Anjelica Huston Billy Martin George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic None Lorne Michaels
Hands Across AmericaSummary: While running a cross-country sprint, one-legged Kevin Brennan (Randy Quaid) hits a roadblock in the form of a chain of Hands Across America participants who won’t let him through. Transcript
Montage
Anjelica Huston’s MonologueSummary: Anjelica Huston attempts to tell a joke while, backstage, Billy Martin assures Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) that he’s a changed man. Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles. Transcript
The People’s Second Choice AwardsSummary: America’s favorite runner-ups are saluted by emcee Ed McMahon (Randy Quaid). Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.
Moments of DoubtSummary: While having breakfast together, a husband (Randy Quaid0, his wife (Anjelica Huston), their daughter (Joan Cusack) and the family dog contemplate the idea that they may have wasted their lives.
Glamourous DrinkingSummary: Lorne Michaels introduces a sketch that was cut from last week’s show because it glamourized drinking.
National Council of Liquor and SpiritsSummary: (Randy Quaid) offers a rebuttal to the previous sketch.
Actors on FilmSummary: Jimmy Chance (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Ashley Ashley (Nora Dunn) praise the off-camera acting not seen in “Witness.” Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.
Hallmark Organized Crime CardsSummary: Maerose Prizzi (Anjelica Huston) reads from a selection of Hallmark’s Organized Crime greeting card collection.
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Let’s Take it to the Stage”
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: Al Franken returns to comment on the Al Franken Decade and to urge viewers to see his new movie, “One More Saturday Night.” A. Whitney Brown delivers The Big Picture on the uninformed Class of 1986. Father Guido Sarducci narrates as the Weekend Update Dancers emulate the Statue of Liberty. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Lesbian BarSummary:
Bocce Ball My WaySummary: Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) plugs his how-to video. Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci.
Tempting BillySummary: Billy Martin objects when Mephistopheles (Jon Lovitz) hides alcohol in his wardrobe. Recurring Characters: Mephistopheles. Note: At one point, Jon Lovitz simultaneously performs his Mephistopheles and Tommy Flanagan characters. Transcript
Damon Wayans Stand-UpSummary: Damon Wayons returns to Studio 8-H to perform stand-up about racism in America and one-liners from his childhood insult contests. Note: Damon Wayans returns as a guest just two months after being fired from “SNL” for improvising in the “Mr. Monopoly” sketch. Note: In the “Live From, New York” book, Damon Wayans incorrectly remembers this performance as taking place on the episode hosted by Dudley Moore four months earlier, and having felt self-concious about doing a clubfoot joke in Moore’s presence.
Book MinuteSummary: (Danitra Vance) has updated the nursery rhymes of Mother Goose to reflect upon the realism of growing up in the ghetto.
LaBelles at the MoviesSummary: Patti LaBelle (Terry Sweeney) and her aunt (Danitra Vance) talk loudly to one another in a crowded movie theater.
My FriendSummary: Tracy (Joan Cusack) tells Dana (Danitra Vance) about her close, personal friend, Colonel Sanders (Billy Martin), then introduces her when he drops by for a visit. The sketch is unfortunately ruined when a drunken Billy Martin slurs his lines, so Lorne Michaels comes out and fires him on live television. Transcript
George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic perform “Do Fries Go With That Shake”
GoodnightsSummary: After being fired, Billy Martin decides to set the studio on fire and take the show with him. Lorne Michaels hurriedly rescues his star performer, Jon Lovitz, before letting the remainder of the cast perish in the flames. Will other cast members survive? Tune in October 11th to find out! Note: Brandon Tartikoff had made up his mind to cancel “SNL” once and for all after this lackluster season, but Lorne Michaels pleaded for – and won – one final chance to revive the show. Nora Dunn and Dennis Miller escaped the fire and returned with Jon Lovitz the following season. Transcript
JIMMY BRESLIN, still dressed as Auric Goldfinger from the previous sketch but without the blazer or wig, stands on home base.
Jimmy Breslin: Ladies and gentleman — Level 42!
[ Breslin points his entire right arm to the musical stage and faces it. The camera slowly pans over to LEVEL 42 (composed of lead vocalist/bassist Mark King, keyboardist Mike Lindup, guitarist Boon Gould, drummer Phil Gould, guest saxophonist Krys Mach and guest vocalist Annie McCaig) begin playing Something About You. Breslin stands at home base motionless. Before the camera gets away from any view of home base, a stage hand motions for Breslin to come backstage. Breslin scurries off. King plays the opening bass riff over and over. ]
Mark King: [singing] How How can it be? That a love Carved out of caring Fashioned by fate Could suffer so hard From the games Played much too often But making mistakes Is a part Of life’s imperfections Born of the years Is it so wrong To be human after all?
Level 42: [singing] Born into the stream Of undefined illusion Those diamond rings They can’t disguise the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing] That there is something about you, Baby, so right I couldn’t be here without you, Baby, tonight
Mark King: [singing] If ever our love Was concealed No one can say That we didn’t feel A million things And a perfect dream of life Gone Fragile but free We remain Tender together If not so in love It’s not so wrong We’re only human after all
Level 42: [singing] These changing years They add to your confusion Oh and you need to hear The time that told the truth
Mark King/Level 42: [singing] Because theres something about you, The way you are so right (Baby) I couldn’t live without you (I couldn’t live without you) Baby, here tonight
[The audience cheers and applauds. Mark King smiles and nods on behalf of the band. Dissolve to Edie Baskins portrait of Level 42s four main members — posing on the main floor at the center of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.]FADE OUT
Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.
Husband: Oh, yes, I do!
Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?
Husband: A lot!
Wife: Just a lot?
Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?
Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!
Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!
Wife: You’re just saying that.
Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!
Wife: More than the Knicks?
Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!
Wife: Why? Why do you love me?
Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?
Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?
Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]
Wife: Come on!
Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!
Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?
Husband: I love you!
Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.
Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?
Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.
Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!
Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?
Husband: In a different way..
Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?
Husband: Now, wait a second!
Wife: Answer the question!
Husband: Wait a second..
Wife: God! You have to think about it?
Husband: No! I love you! I love you!
Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?
Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?
Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?
Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!
Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.
[ phone rings again ]
Husband: Answer the phone!
Wife: Answer my question!
Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]
Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..
Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!
Adrian…..Tony Danza Queen Elizabeth…..Joan Cusack Henry Kissinger…..Al Franken Prince Charles…..Jon Lovitz Lyndon LaRouche…..Randy Quaid
FADE IN:
INT. STUDY NIGHT
SUPER: LYNDON LAROUCHE THEATRE
[ Photos of various LaRouches and LYNDON LAROUCHE himself adorn an oak shelf. Nestled by the photos are two campaign bumper stickers. One reads: MORE NUKES, LESS KOOKS. Another reads: THROW JANE FONDA TO THE WHALES. Lyndon sits in a leather reclined chair, holding a leather bound book. ]
Lyndon LaRouche: Good evening, Im Lyndon LaRouche and welcome to Lyndon LaRouche Theatre. As you remember from last week the evil, homosexual Henry Kissinger had conspired with the degenerate drug pusher Queen Elizabeth to traffic in narcotics, to raise foreign exchange currency for the decaying British Empire. The satanic Kissinger, himself a Soviet agent, had in collusion with the sinister David Rockefeller and their accomplice the self-important George Bush, arranged to lend billions to third world nations at luxurious rates; all part of a treacherous plot to commit genocide on the African subcontinent. A plot hatched in the mind of the most evil man of the 20th century Walter Mondale. In tonight episode, The Royal Cut, the flaccid, depraved Kissinger is doing the bidding of villainess and equally unattractive Queen Elizabeth
EXT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE DAY
[ QUEEN ELIZABETH measures heroin on a scale, packages it, places it in a foam-padded silver briefcase, and shuts it. HENRY KISSINGER watches the Queen standing while his lover ADRIAN has his hands all over him. ]
Queen Elizabeth: This is the most purest heroin ever! You must thank David Rockefeller for me.
Henry Kissinger: I will. Heres the cash from the last run.
[ Kissinger hands the Queen a briefcase. She opens it. ]
Henry Kissinger: Its all there.
Queen Elizabeth: Yes, weve done business together before. I trust you. Your homosexual lover is quite beautiful, Henry.
Henry Kissinger: Yes. He has a beautifully battered face. Dont you think?
[ The Queen extends her hand onto Adrian. ]
Henry Kissinger: Keep your clammy hands off him! I told you hes mine!
[ The Queen goes around Adrian. ]
Queen Elizabeth: Whatever do you see in this ugly man?
Adrian: Hes so e-v-v-il. I find wickedness such a turn-on! Did you know Henry planned to enslave the third world?
[ Adrian embraces Kissinger. ]
Queen Elizabeth: Truly it was my idea.
Henry Kissinger: Well the three of us you, me, and Walter Mondale.
Queen Elizabeth: Enough chit-chat! I want you and Adrian to take this heroin to America and distribute it to our Eastern friends.
Henry Kissinger: Perhaps you can get someone else to do it.
Queen Elizabeth: Why Henry!? Its not like you to get cold feet.
Henry Kissinger: Well lately, its this Lyndon LaRouche guy. Hes making things very hard right now.
Adrian: Henry wakes up screaming in a sweat. Every night, screaming LaRouches name! I have to give him cold alcohol rubs to put him back to sleep.
[ Adrian massages Kissinger, who moans in joy. ]
Queen Elizabeth: I cant believe LaRouche is still a menace. Didnt we pass on orders to NBC News and the Jesuits to make sure hed be discredited?
Henry Kissinger: Yes, but it backfired. LaRouche is more powerful with the common people.
[ The Queen gags. ]
Queen Elizabeth: Ugh! The common people
Henry Kissinger: Anyway, anyway sweetie youre going to have to find someone else to deliver this smack!
[ Kissinger shoves the silver briefcase into the Queens chest. ]
Queen Elizabeth: But whom?
[ PRINCE CHARLES opens the door and hops in. ]
Prince Charles: Hello Mum! Come to say goodbye! Diana and I are off to Palm Beach for the polo!
[ The Queen, Kissinger, and Adrian smile. ]
Queen Elizabeth: Charles, be a good lad and take this case to Palm Beach. Ill have Vice President Bush come there to meet you and pick it up.
[ The Queen hands the silver briefcase to Charles. ]
Prince Charles: Alright Mum! Whats in it?
Queen Elizabeth: A tarantula!
Prince Charles: Well, I shall be careful then. Cheerio Mum!
[ Charles exits. ]
Henry Kissinger: Boy, what a moron. What is it? The inbreeding or what?
[ Adrian tussles with his collar. ]
Adrian: I thought he was cute in a weird sort of way
[ Charles re-enters. ]
Prince Charles: Mother, wont the tarantula suffocate?
Queen Elizabeth: No, hell be fine! They can live for months without food or water. Just go!
Prince Charles: Very well then! Bye Mum!
[ Charles exits. The Queen shuts the door. All three cackle. Kissinger caresses Adrians chest, but Adrian turns away as the Queens caresses Adrians right cheek. She and Kissinger attempt a three-way kiss. ]
INT. STUDY NIGHT
Lyndon LaRouche: Next week in part three, diabolical Kissinger and miscreant Elizabeth engage KGB agents to assassinate me while continuing to sponsor attacks in the media which attempt to foster one of the most monstrous lies of the 20th century that I am insane. Thank you and good night.
[ LaRouche nods down while cradling the book. The camera pans over to the oak shelf. ]
Air Date:
