Baby Shower

Sasheer Zamata

Teresa .. Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Jessie… Amy Schumer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with ladies having a Baby shower]

Sasheer: How far long are you, Teresa ? You look like your’e about to pop.

Teresa: Ah, we think two months. We haven’t been keeping count.

Sasheer: What?

Teresa: We don’t really know how it works and we don’t believe in doctors. We’re just kind of winging it.

Sasheer: Cool.

[Aidy walks n]

Aidy: Okay, everybody. Let’s get this baby shower started.

[All the ladies sit down]

So I’ve got paper and pen so we can play some fun shower games.

[Jessie walks in]

Jessie: Okay, so fun. Where should I sit? I know I’m not invited. I don’t wanna make, like, everybody annoyed.

[Jessie takes a seat in between Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: She can sit next to me, right? She’s my best friend. It’s okay that I brought Jessie, right?

[Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: Yeah, I guess I didn’t say not to do it. So…

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: Oh, okay. Good. I just like, don’t wanna take away your day or whatever.

[Cut to Aidy and Sasheer]

Aidy: So, how do you two know each other?

[cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, she bartends at the bar I spend all my nights in.

Jessie: Yeah. We became best friends.

Cecily: Yeah, Jessie totally has my back.

Jessie: Coz she used to order like, rail vodka and I was like, “Oh, Absolute.” Hello, right?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Well, why don’t you start opening your gifts?

[Cut to everybody]

Teresa: Okay, alright. [picks up a present] Oh, the wrapping is so cute.

Cecily: Wait, wait, wait. I wanna take a picture. Let me get my purse.

[Cecily walks away to get her purse] [Teresa is opening the present]

Jessie: Wait! Hold on! She’s getting her purse.
[Cecily walks back]

Cecily: Jessie, my purse is gone.

Jessie: What? What do you mean? Like, your purse is like, completely gone?

Cecily: Yeah.

Jessie: Okay, so someone took it.

Cecily: What? I don’t know.

Kate: No, no. I’m sure no one took it.

Jessie: No, if it’s not there then yes, someone took it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: Can she open her present now?

Cecily: Did someone took my purse?

[Cut to Kate, Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: No, someone took it. You don’t move a purse. You take it.

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: What?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: You guys, everything is fine. I’m not mad. Just please tell me where it is.

Jessie: And then, maybe explain why you took it because like, she deserves answers?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Cecily: Then where is it?

Jessie: Okay, don’t freak out. Nobody is leaving here. And if it turns out that one of them took it, they will pay.

[Cut to everybody]

Does that sound okay with everybody? Is that cool?

[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]

Sasheer: No one took your purse.

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Okay, can someone write down that she just said that in case we need it?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: I just want my purse.

Kate: It’s here somewhere. I know it’s here.

[Jessie stares at Kate furiously]

Aidy: You know what? Let’s just play a baby shower game and have some fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Fine! I’ll shut the hell up.

Jessie: No, like, your friends are ridiculous right now.

Aidy: Okay, so everybody take a marker and write down a baby name. And then, Teresa has to guess who wrote what name.

[Everybody takes a paper and writes on it] [Cut to Teresa]

Teresa: This is fun. This will be great.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Okay, Teresa, pick one.

Teresa: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Teresa]

First name is… [picks up a paper] did you take my purse. Are you serious?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]

Jessie: Yes, answer the question.

Cecily: [sobbing] Guys, please, my purse has everything in it. Just give me my purse.

Jessie: What was in there, sweetie? Tell them what’s in your purse?

Cecily: My parent’s address and information. My passport and I’m going to Mexico in a month. My UTI medics and my heart burn pills.

Jessie: No, keep going. Tell them what they took from you.

Cecily: My phone charger and my sunglasses and my norse.

Jessie: Your norse? Wait, they took your norse?

Cecily: Yes, they took it all and everything else.

[Cut to everybody]

Jessie: You know what? I can’t stand it. [Jessie throws everything on the table away] God damn, you people! Everybody get up!

[Everybody gets up]

Get up, I don’t care if you’re pregnant. Get up!

[Jessie starts throwing stuffs here and there]

Teresa: What are you doing?

Jessie: Look, I don’t care if you guys like me. I’m never gonna see any of you again. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitch coz I wont’ see you unless you come into my bar. And if you come in and you don’t tip 20%, guess what? Your ass is getting kicked out.

Sasheer: Wait, is that your purse right under where your friend was sitting?

[Cut to Jessie and Cecily looking at the purse]

Jessie: Oh, my god. Check it. Is that your purse?

Cecily: Ah! This is it.

Jessie: Wait! Make sure everything’s in it, because if even one thing’s missing, I’m calling the police.

Cecily: It’s all here.

Jessie: God! Okay, so you guys clean up. I’m gonna use the upstairs bathroom and let’s get this shower back on track!

Cecily: Woo-hoo!

[The End]

Baby Shower | Season 44 Episode 2

Deedee…..Awkwafina

…..Heidi Gardner

Janet…..Aidy Bryant

…..Leslie Jones

Carrie…..Cecily Strong

…..Melissa Villaseñor

[Five ladies are sitting inside a room for a baby shower]

Heidi: Who got me this? Janet was this from you? It’s a little bib that says ‘Hot Mess’.

Janet: [Cut to Janet sitting holding her baby] Yes, yes, there is this store that puts gay talk on baby things and I can’t get enough.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] That’s so cute.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Hey, what’s the door code?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi and Carrie] 343, why?

Carrie: Oh, my girl Deedee just got here.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] Your girl? What do you mean?

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Oh yes, I invited my dog walker to come.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] To my baby shower?

Janet: Why?

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Because she’s cool and we’ve gotten very close through texts and she’s like somebody I want to be more like.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi, confused] Okay I guess.

[Deedee comes through the door with a pizza slice on her hand]

Deedee: Oh hey, what’s up? I’m Deedee, Hi.

Carrie: Deedee, hi, come sit down next to me. [Carrie pushes away her friend Tina who was already sitting next to her]

Deedee: Hi, cool party. Looks like I’m the youngest one here, pretty dope.

Tina: [Cut to Tina] I guess so. Do you need a plate for that?

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I mean pizza’s a plate right?

Carrie: Pizza’s a plate. Haha, that’s Deedee.

Deedee: So who’s the baby shower for?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi raising her hands] Me. Oh my go, I can’t believe my due date is so soon.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Aww, don’t be nervous. We’ve all been through it. You’ll be fine.

Tina: I’ve had three.

Janet: Yeah, and I’ve had my Joshua.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Well, we don’t all have kids. I’d need to find a boyfriend first.

[Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet laugh out loud] [Cut to Carrie and Deedee looking at them laugh]

Deedee: Excuse me, why did everyone laugh?

Janet: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Well, she made a little joke.

[Cut to Carrie and Deedee]

Deedee: Is it a joke? I mean Carrie doesn’t have a partner or anything, so is that the funny part?

Carrie: Deedee, it’s fine.

Deedee: Is it fine? Because I think they’re being rude knowing your situation.

Carrie: I know they are, okay? But this is what I’m used to, okay? It’s not like I can say something. [Carrie speaks with a crying voice, then storms out of the sofa]

Deedee: Carrie, where are you going?

Carrie: I’m going away.

Deedee: Carrie, look at me.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Janet] What’s happening?

Janet: I don’t know.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] If you leave right now, they win. Is that what you want?

Carrie: No, I just like– I don’t need to be reminded of not having a boyfriend, you know? [Deedee starts to stare at them angrily] Like, honestly. I’ve always been the cutest one and I’ve had the best personality [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet looking at Carrie in disbelief saying all these negative things about them] and none of these girls even dated in high school. I did. So where’s my baby?

Tina: [Cut to Tina and Leslie] Hi, why don’t we just go back to opening gifts? This one’s for me and my triplets.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Okay, nope. New plan. You’ve upset our friend Carrie. So we’re going to get rid of all the baby crap in this room.

Janet: What?

Deedee: Everybody get up. We’re getting all the baby stuff out of this room. We’re not doing this to Carrie. Up, up, up. Hey prego!(pregnant) Up!

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie] Thanks for being on my side. [Deedee goes to tear the posters and throw the balloons]

Tina: Hey. What–? No, don’t! Don’t rip that down. This is a baby shower.

Heidi: My baby shower. What? Hey!

Deedee: Can you stop talking about yourself for five seconds or what? Carrie just opened up her heart.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] She said she was prettier than all of us.

Tina: And had a better personality.

Carrie: That’s all you heard? And now you just have to stand here and stare at your baby.

[Cut to Janet confused]

Deedee: Hey, um, put that baby in the bedroom.

Janet: Uh, no.

Deedee: Because I’m asking you nicely, you put that baby in the bedroom or I will.

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Oh my go, you need to calm down.

Deedee: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] I will tear this place apart if that’s what it takes to get you to care about your friend.

Tina: [Cut to Leslie, Tina and Janet] Carrie, you have never mentioned wanting a baby.

Carrie: [Cut to Deedee and Carrie] Because I haven’t. I just thought about it right now.

Deedee: I have asked you three times to put that baby in the bedroom.

Janet: Okay. [Janet stands up and Deedee walks towards Janet] Oh my god. [Walking away from Deedee] Come on Josh.

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Carrie, I didn’t even know you were looking to date anyone. Why don’t you go out with my friend Reggie? He think you’re really cute.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] Wait what? He does? What?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi nodding her head] Yes, I emailed you that.

Carrie: [Cut to Carrie and Deedee] You did? When? It must have gotten to my junk. Oh no, I threw it out. Look at Reggie, oh he’s cute. Yeah, I guess. Like, yeah. Cool.

Deedee: All right, well this seems good. Feel better?

Carrie: Yeah.

Deedee: Good. I just want you to remember you’re better than them looks-wise and personality-wise. Don’t let them bully you anymore, okay?

Carrie: Thanks girl.

Deedee: All right, what are we doing? Shots? Presents?

Heidi: [Cut to Heidi] Presents, thank you, but should we go tell Janet she can come back?

Leslie: [Cut to Leslie and Tina] No, she’s been having nervous gas this whole time.

Tina: How do you know it wasn’t the baby?

Leslie: What does the baby have to be nervous about?