Teresa .. Venessa Bayer
Jessie… Amy Schumer
Kate McKinnon[Starts with ladies having a Baby shower]
Sasheer: How far long are you, Teresa ? You look like your’e about to pop.
Teresa: Ah, we think two months. We haven’t been keeping count.
Teresa: We don’t really know how it works and we don’t believe in doctors. We’re just kind of winging it.
Sasheer: Cool.[Aidy walks n]
Aidy: Okay, everybody. Let’s get this baby shower started.[All the ladies sit down]
So I’ve got paper and pen so we can play some fun shower games.[Jessie walks in]
Jessie: Okay, so fun. Where should I sit? I know I’m not invited. I don’t wanna make, like, everybody annoyed.[Jessie takes a seat in between Cecily and Kate]
Cecily: She can sit next to me, right? She’s my best friend. It’s okay that I brought Jessie, right?[Cut to Teresa]
Teresa: Yeah, I guess I didn’t say not to do it. So…[Cut to everybody]
Jessie: Oh, okay. Good. I just like, don’t wanna take away your day or whatever.[Cut to Aidy and Sasheer]
Aidy: So, how do you two know each other?[cut to Jessie and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh, she bartends at the bar I spend all my nights in.
Jessie: Yeah. We became best friends.
Cecily: Yeah, Jessie totally has my back.
Jessie: Coz she used to order like, rail vodka and I was like, “Oh, Absolute.” Hello, right?[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]
Aidy: Okay. Well, why don’t you start opening your gifts?[Cut to everybody]
Teresa: Okay, alright. [picks up a present] Oh, the wrapping is so cute.
Cecily: Wait, wait, wait. I wanna take a picture. Let me get my purse.[Cecily walks away to get her purse] [Teresa is opening the present]
Jessie: Wait! Hold on! She’s getting her purse.
[Cecily walks back]
Cecily: Jessie, my purse is gone.
Jessie: What? What do you mean? Like, your purse is like, completely gone?
Jessie: Okay, so someone took it.
Cecily: What? I don’t know.
Kate: No, no. I’m sure no one took it.
Jessie: No, if it’s not there then yes, someone took it.[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]
Sasheer: Can she open her present now?
Cecily: Did someone took my purse?[Cut to Kate, Jessie and Cecily]
Jessie: No, someone took it. You don’t move a purse. You take it.[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]
Sasheer: What?[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]
Cecily: You guys, everything is fine. I’m not mad. Just please tell me where it is.
Jessie: And then, maybe explain why you took it because like, she deserves answers?[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]
Aidy: Well, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]
Cecily: Then where is it?
Jessie: Okay, don’t freak out. Nobody is leaving here. And if it turns out that one of them took it, they will pay.[Cut to everybody]
Does that sound okay with everybody? Is that cool?[Cut to Sasheer and Aidy]
Sasheer: No one took your purse.[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]
Jessie: Okay, can someone write down that she just said that in case we need it?[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: I just want my purse.
Kate: It’s here somewhere. I know it’s here.[Jessie stares at Kate furiously]
Aidy: You know what? Let’s just play a baby shower game and have some fun.[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: Fine! I’ll shut the hell up.
Jessie: No, like, your friends are ridiculous right now.
Aidy: Okay, so everybody take a marker and write down a baby name. And then, Teresa has to guess who wrote what name.[Everybody takes a paper and writes on it] [Cut to Teresa]
Teresa: This is fun. This will be great.[Cut to everybody]
Aidy: Okay, Teresa, pick one.
Teresa: Okay. Okay.[Cut to Teresa]
First name is… [picks up a paper] did you take my purse. Are you serious?[Cut to Jessie and Cecily]
Jessie: Yes, answer the question.
Cecily: [sobbing] Guys, please, my purse has everything in it. Just give me my purse.
Jessie: What was in there, sweetie? Tell them what’s in your purse?
Cecily: My parent’s address and information. My passport and I’m going to Mexico in a month. My UTI medics and my heart burn pills.
Jessie: No, keep going. Tell them what they took from you.
Cecily: My phone charger and my sunglasses and my norse.
Jessie: Your norse? Wait, they took your norse?
Cecily: Yes, they took it all and everything else.[Cut to everybody]
Jessie: You know what? I can’t stand it. [Jessie throws everything on the table away] God damn, you people! Everybody get up![Everybody gets up]
Get up, I don’t care if you’re pregnant. Get up![Jessie starts throwing stuffs here and there]
Teresa: What are you doing?
Jessie: Look, I don’t care if you guys like me. I’m never gonna see any of you again. I don’t care if you think I’m a bitch coz I wont’ see you unless you come into my bar. And if you come in and you don’t tip 20%, guess what? Your ass is getting kicked out.
Sasheer: Wait, is that your purse right under where your friend was sitting?[Cut to Jessie and Cecily looking at the purse]
Jessie: Oh, my god. Check it. Is that your purse?
Cecily: Ah! This is it.
Jessie: Wait! Make sure everything’s in it, because if even one thing’s missing, I’m calling the police.
Cecily: It’s all here.
Jessie: God! Okay, so you guys clean up. I’m gonna use the upstairs bathroom and let’s get this shower back on track!
Cecily: Woo-hoo![The End]