Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update The Voice

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, finally it’s a very special night here on Weekend Update because with us tonight are the winners of Weekend Update’s first ever, the Voice contest. Now, let’s meet those winners right now.

[Cut to Weekend Update’s The Voice video bumer]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che standing with four other gentlemen. The other gentlemen are facing backwards]

Michael Che: Now, why don’t you guys introduce yourselves to the audience and the viewers at home?

[First gentleman turns around]

Anthony: I’m Anthony Russo.

[Second gentleman turns around]

David: I’m David Ross.

[Third gentleman turns around]

Dexter: And I’m Dexter Fowler.

[Fourth gentleman turns around]

Bill: I’m Bill Murray.

Colin Jost: Okay. Aright. Alright, now– [audience won’t stop cheering] alright– alright– now– now– now– okay– guys, we have a contest. Guys, can you please put into words what it feels like to be named the first winners of Weekend Update’s The Voice contest?

Anthony: It’s unbelievable.

David: I can’t describe it.

Dexter: This is the best thing we’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: And now, I have to ask. You in the end, you look familiar. Did you use to work here?

Bill: I did.

Michael Che: I knew it. I knew it.

Bill: But that was so many life times ago. Right now, for me, it’s all about music.

Colin Jost: I see. And, um, what song is it that you’ll be performing.

Bill: it’s an original composition entitled ‘Go Cubs Go’.

Colin Jost: That sounds fantastic.

[many other join them]

Michael Che: Wait a second. Who are these guys?

Bill: They are back up singers. We didn’t know it was against the rules.

Colin Jost: We’ll overlook it. Take it away guys.

[Colin Jost and Michael Che leave and they start to perform]

[music playing]

Bill: Baseball season’s underway

Dexter: Well you better get ready for a brand new day

David: Hey Chicago, what do you say?

Anthony: The Cubs are gonna win today

All: They’re singing go Cubs go

go, cubs, go
hey, Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are gonna win today

Bill: They got the power, they got the speed

All: To be the best in the national league

Well, this is the year and the Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley field

We’re singing now, go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are World Champs today

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

All: Go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?

Weekend Update on the Final Days of the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Thank you for joining us. This is the last weekend update before the presidential election. Are you excited Michael?

Michael Che: Hello, no.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well…

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November 2016 at left top corner.]

The election is only three days away now. But remember, it’s not over till the fat lady sings. And there’s no way Trump is letting a fat lady anywhere near him. We thought this election was over two weeks ago. Then in the spirit of Halloween, the FBI dropped a flaming bag of dog crap [picture changes to a bag that has ’emails’ written on it] on our doorstep and ran away. They gave us no clue about all these emails and what they’re about. Hillary could be involved, or maybe not. It could be full treason or just a casual chat about yoga. We don’t know. The FBI basically sent us this emoji. [Picture changes to an expressionless emoji] What do we do with that?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that it will take the FBI well pass the election to get though all 650,000 emails, which just seems ridiculous to me. I mean, the fastest way to get through that emails is to just leave your laptop open at your girlfriend’s house. Go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Believe me, three days later when you ask where she wants to eat, she’s gonna be like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask that funky bitch Benghazi?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And of course, this all involves this idiot. [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Because a Weiner always pops up at the worst possible time. He had 650,000 emails in his computer, and that’s just the laptop he shared with his wife. Imagine how much weird stuff he’s got on that old Dell computer he has hidden in the floorboard.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It is fascinating to see the double standard. I mean, just the mystery of what Hillary could be hiding in those deleted emails is somehow worse than what we’ve actually heard Donald Trump say. I bet Hillary is thinking, “Why did I even throw those emails out?” That’s like giving up weed for job interview and then losing that job to a crackhead. It doesn’t make sense.

You know what? If I was Hillary, I’d just make up a bunch of ridiculous Trumpy sounding emails and just hand them over to the FBI right now. Like, here you go. 31,000 hilarious emails about me grabbing Donald and calling Chinese people Ninja Turtles.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Melania Trump made a rare campaign speech on Thursday and said that as first lady she would fight against bullying on social media, and we must treat each other with respect and kindness. Donald Trump called his wife’s speech [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Sad, fake and gay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump also received the endorsement of official newspaper of the KKK. What are the odds? What was that meeting even like? Just some dude in the KKK like, “Now Earl, hear me out, but what if this time we endorse the white man?” Also, this is the first time I’m hearing about a KKK newspaper and I absolutely subscribed. I just want to see if there’s a sports section.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and fireworks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it was reported that Hillary Clinton has already booked election night fireworks display over the Hudson river. Either to celebrate her victory or to visually demonstrate how her campaign exploded. Too real? She’s also holding a massive rally Monday night what they’re calling an Avenger line up, of President Obama, Michelle, Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. But if you’re Hillary, maybe don’t call me an Avengers, because it just makes us think about which Avenge Hillary is. And girl, you Hawk Eye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But no matter who wins this election, [patriotic music playing in the background] we can’t let political parties and media divide us, okay? We’re not different. We’re all the same. We have basic needs. We have the same basic wants. We all want respect. We all own a sweater that we’ll never wear but we’ll never throw away. We all have that one line of a dumb song that we don’t even like stuck in our heads for days at a time. We all say “You too” when our daily guys says, “Hey, have a good show, man!” And then walk away mumbling to ourselves like, “Why am I so stupid?” Because we’re all the same. Who cares if we can’t agree on global warming or religion. It doesn’t matter. Because some day, we’re all gonna drown and burn in hell together.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a US flat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, people need to trust Americans to make the right decision. That is how democracy works. Sometimes we make great decisions, like serving McDonalds breakfast all day. And sometimes we make terrible decisions like eating McDonalds breakfast all day. And I know, right now it seems like we’re hopelessly divided but soon we’ll all come together as a country to begin that long journey toward impeaching whoever we just elected. Because on Tuesday, the fate of our country is finally in the hands of the people who truly matter. The Russian teenagers who hack into our voting machines.

Weekend Update Church Lady

Colin Jost

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A Catholic church in San Diego has warned parishioners that they will go to hell if they vote for democrats. Here to comment on the state of the election, it’s Church Lady.

[Church Lady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Hi. Hello, Colin. thank you for having me on your little midnight show.

Colin Jost: It’s so nice to have you.

Church Lady: What delightful job you have.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Church Lady: Instead of resting up for church, you’re staying up late making naughty jokes about Anthony’s weiner. Not quite the path of Jesus, is it?

Colin Jost: Well, I think that Jesus appreciates a good joke, doesn’t he?

Church Lady: Jesus loves a good joke. So that would leave you out of the equation, wouldn’t it, Colin?

Colin Jost: I thought we had some fun jokes, you know? They were alright.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Colin Jost: Alright. So, what are your thoughts about this election?

Church Lady: Well, it’s a tough choice we have on Tuesday, don’t we, Colin? Do we vote for a bitter female android from the 90s? Or riverboat gambler with a big tummy and an orange head?

Colin Jost: So, you have not chosen a candidate yet?

Church Lady: Jesus is not on the ballet, Colin. I suppose he’s not part of your life either, is he? Because like everyone else in Hollywood, you’re a homosexual.

[audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Why are you laughing? I’m actually not gay.

[Church Lady giggling]

Church Lady: Your’e too good, dear Jost. Colin, really. Seriously, that is so funny. Stay there. Stay in the cover, Mr. Good.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Church Lady: Colin, by my count, there are only three celebrities left who aren’t homosexual. Jim Parsons, Niel Patrick Harris and wonderful Nathan Lane.

Colin Jost: Actually, all of them are gay. Yeah, that’s–

Church Lady: Oh! News flash.

Colin Jost: Why don’t we just focus on the election? Can we stay in election?

Church Lady: Yeah, let’s just stay real micro managed right now. Focus. Tuesday. Yes. Absolutely. Who are you gonna support, Colin?

Colin Jost: Me?

Church Lady: I suppose you’re gonna write in your favorite candidate… Satan!

Colin Jost: Well…

Church Lady: I surprised you, didn’t I? I just jumped at you. Don’t make me do it again.

Colin Jost: No. I’m not voting for Satan.

Church Lady: Oh! Well, well, well. You know, you’re just a late night comic with a belly full of booze and a dressing room full of whores. You’re drunk right now, aren’t you, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I’m not drunk.

Church Lady: Yes, you are.

Colin Jost: Maybe a little buzz.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Smoking the pot now, are we? Sucking on the devil’s cigarette. That must be why you’re not the crispiest chip in the bag.

Colin Jost: Look, is there anything out there right now that you do like?

Church Lady: West World. Yes.

Colin Jost: You like– I love that show. I’m surprised you like it.

Church Lady: What’s not to like, Colin? A land of naked cowboy robots fornicating. They should have called it West Hollywood. Too soon?

[Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It just seems like everything in the world you think is just in such a bad state.

Church Lady: You know what? You know what? I never lost hope, Colin. And what a lovely country we have here. Sometimes I look around, I think to myself, “What a wonderful world.”

Colin Jost: Oh, no. You’re not gonna sing, are you?

[music playing]

[Cut to Church Lady]

Church Lady: [singing] I see skies are blue,
red roses too
I see them bloom
for me and you
and I think to myself
what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself
what a wonderful world.

Colin Jost: Church Lady, everyone.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bear at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Russia invited a bear to be a witness at their wedding. There were no survivors. [Picture changes to a syringe] A group of men were criticized for dropping out of a male birth control study because of side effects like headaches, mood swings and acne. See, this is why women should be in full control of all reproductive rights. Men are not going to take birth control because pregnancy just doesn’t affect our bodies. When a woman gets pregnant, she has to decide whether or not she wants a human being to grow inside of her. Meanwhile, I get nine months to decide whether to buy a stroller or a bus ticket. It’s usually stroller. Men wouldn’t care about side effects if it did something good for us. Like, Cialis could cause blindness and you still hear horny old blind dudes ratting around the streets looking for ass. And what women would even trust a dude that keep up with birth control? I mean, if a guy is responsible enough to keep up with his birth control, he wouldn’t need it coz he’d probably make a great father.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people on marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Something to think about. This Sunday is the New York city marathon. The marathon is a great chance for foreigners to practice running for their lives. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update on the Third Presidential Debate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, good evening everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Well, this Wednesday was the series finale of the American Horror Story Debates. This was the calmest of the three debates and also weirdly the most hostile. It was like a Connecticut Thanksgiving. Everyone was dressed up nice. They were polite for about 30 minutes, then your uncle had a drink, your aunt mentioned abortion, and your uncle threatened to burn the house down. But I can already tell, I’m gonna miss these debates. They were just such great television. And Donald Trump might be my favorite TV character of all time. He’s like Kramer, you know? His high energy, his plans are insane and it’s only a matter of time before he shouts the N word on stage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut some meat. At the debate, Hillary called Trump the most dangerous person to run for president in modern history. Yeah, but you still only polling in 5 points better than him. So, let’s not get too cocky. Trump’s campaign is literally a full diaper. And 40% of the country is like, “Ah! At least he’s not Hillary Clinton.” Maybe people would like Hillary more if she didn’t get rid of 33,000 emails like she was Lorraine Bracco flushing coke at the end of Goodfellas. Don’t pretend that that’s not suspicious. The only reason anybody would even have 33,000 emails is because they keep all their emails and getting rid of all of them in one time is like going to a Hoarder’s apartment and it’s suddenly empty and smells like bleach, and they’re like, “What 33,000 cats? I don’t know.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the debate, Trump said that the women accusing him of sexual assault are just looking for “their 10minutes of fame’. But the expression is of the 15 minutes of fame. Trump is so cheap, he is lowballing them on their minutes of fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump also restated that nobody respects women more than he does. Nobody? What about other women? What about Rupaul? Now, he respects women. That dude squeezes a size 12 foot in a pumps to leto just as a tribute everyday. Maybe Trump thinks nobody respects women more than him because all his closest friends are Mike Tyson, Roger Ailes and Gary Busey. Yeah, compared to them, Donald Trump is Tina Fey, I guess.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump also refused to say if he would accept the results of the election if he loses. And this is what he had to say.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Keep us in suspense. It’s like he is still hosting a reality show. And I’ll tell you, if I’m going to tear apart the fabric of our democracy, right after the break. Meanwhile, his running mate [Picture changes to Mike Pence] Mike Pence disagreed and said he will accept the results of the election. Unless they’re gay. And of course, Trump keeps saying this whole time that the media is rigging the election against him. But why would the media rig against him? He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. Who do you think they’d rather spend the next four years covering? [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] A grandma who loves secrets or a [Picture changes to Donald Trump] human airhorn who screams every thought in his head and can’t swing his arm without grabbing a lady’s ass?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Well. Trump may have a point. It does seem like virtually every media outlet is doing everything in their power to prevent Trump presidency. The media is acting like the sober girls at a bar making sure their country doesn’t go home with that scuzzy orange dude. They’re like, “America, no! Get in the car. We’re going home with Hillary.” And Trump is like, “Stop hating. Let her decide for herself.” It’s just weird for you to say the system is rigged now. I mean there were 43 white male presidents in a row, and now one black guy and maybe one woman, and now you’re sensing a pattern of unfairness? I don’t even feel comfortable arguing about this. An old white billionaire is on TV telling the world the system is rigged. And my black ass is arguing that it’s not. This just feels wrong. Our world is colliding. What will this lead to? How crazy would it be if Kolin Kaepernick is kneeling for the national anthem and Donald Trump is kneeling right next to him like, “Yeah, me too.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Cyber Security

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The ongoing release of hacked emails by wikileaks has made cyber security a prominent issue in this election. Here to comment on this is our own Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Thank you Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It is great to have you, Leslie. Now, what do you think of all this email hacks.

Michael Che: Well, Colin, um, I was recently hacked myself.

Colin Jost: Really? I didn’t know that.

Michael Che: Yeah. All they did was release nude pics of me, which is nothing because I don’t know if y’all notice about me but I ain’t shy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I actually notice that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Of course you notice, honey bunches of Jost. I am very comfortable with who I am. [Cut to Michael Che] I am an open book. I keep my porn in a folder labelled ‘Porn’. If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask! Just ask! What I’m trying to say is, if you wanna hurt anybody these days, you gonna have to do way more than leak their nudes or call them names. You can’t embarrass me more than I have embarrassed myself. I know all the details, coz I was there. I was there in the third grade when I told this boy Johnny I liked him and he hit me in the back of my head with a rock. I was there when I had a fake wetting with El DeBarge in my bedroom. I was there when Prince was walking towards me smiling all happy to see me until he realized that I was not Chris Rock.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. Prince though you were Chris Rock?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. In the dark we look alike. Hot top, fair teeth. Anyway– [laughing] Colin, do you think some words in the internet can hurt me? [Cut to Michael Che] I once had a crazy bitch try to beat me with a shovel at a bus stop because I took her spot on the bench. Now, that’s a troll. Real trolls ain’t tapping on keyboards. They swing in shovels. Okay? And if I was good at computers, I wouldn’t wasting trolling on people. I would do something useful like, renew my driver’s license from home. I would hack into Tinder and delete all those other girl’s profiles so no matter where you swipe, you get me. You in Missouri? You gonna get me. You in the middle of the ocean? You gonna get me.

Matter of fact, if I was that good at computers, I would build a man. A perfect masculine robot man. Okay? Forget about West-World. I’m talking about Leslie World. Full of perfect robots with perfect penises.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, perfect penises?

Michael Che: Yeah. Like you, but bigger, Colin.

Colin Jost: I- I- I was in the middle of the ocean. So Leslie, you seem pretty unphased by all these online troll.

Michael Che: Colin, let me tell you something. [Cut to Michael Che] I have spent decades getting roasted by comedians. Black comedians, at that, okay? The guy that played the crackhead from the movie Friday has a whole hour on my feet. [Michael Che laughing] So trust me, at a certain point, you stop being embarrassed and start being you. And I have been me for 49 years because the only person who can act me is me. Alright? And my firewall is a crazy bitch with a shovel. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

Michael Che: Just ask!

Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Walmart at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Utah gave birth to her baby while in a Walmart checkout line. This according to the Janitor’s resignation letter.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Michael Moore released a surprised new movie called Trumpland which urges people not to vote for Trump. So if you’re person who loves Michael Moore and you’re still in the fence about Trump, you don’t exist.

[Picture changes to Chicago Cubs]

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs who just defeated the Dodgers to reach the world series for the  first time in 71years. Oh, man! Another out come, rigged by Hillary Clinton. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin]

The most popular Halloween costumes this year are Harley Quinn, Kylo Ren and Dracula. Sorry, Rudy Guiliani. [Picture changes to Rudy Guiliani posing like a Dracula.]

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Sexual Misconduct Allegations

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Election 2016 at left top corner.]

This week was filled with shocking allegations of misogyny and crude comments about women. And those were just the allegations against [Picture changes to Ken Bone] Ken Bone. The bigger story of course this week [Picture changes to Donald Trump] is that Donald Trump has been accused of a range of sexual misconduct by now 10 different women. But the truth is, they’re still just allegations. This is America and Trump is entitled to a defense. So, let’s hear him out.

[Cut to video of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: When you looked at that horrible woman last night, she would not be my first choice, that I can tell.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. That wouldn’t be my first choice for a defense. If she wasn’t your first choice, the problem is you weren’t here choice, period! And what are you trying to tell us exactly? If you did find her more attractive, then you would have groped her? It’s like telling your girlfriend, “Oh, come on. I would never cheat on you baby. I don’t even have any good options right now.” And by the way, we’d probably believed Trump more if while he talked he wasn’t groping the air the entire time.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of different women at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump of course is claiming his accusers are only coming out now for fame and publicity. Yeah, that’s every little girl’s dream. To be forever known as the 7th woman groped by Donald Trump. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] He also believes these accusations are part of a conspiracy to rid the election. Only Donald Trump could have sex scandals, no political experience, poll at 0% with minorities and still say, “If I lose, it’s rigged.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And then this morning, Trump tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Nothing ever happened with any of these women. Totally made up nonsense to steal the election. Nobody has more respect for women than me!” [Cut to Colin Jost] Now, of course we know when Trump tweets, he sometimes makes some typos. So, maybe let’s just correct that one at the end for him. “Nobody inspects women more than me!” Yes, I got that.

And now republicans are worried that Trump’s tanking so hard that they might actually lose control of the house. Which could be the first time Trump’s ever gotten white people evicted from a building. [Picture changes to United States Capitol.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It’s pretty funny to watch republicans jump off board on Trump now. Like, now? It took you till now? It’s like when people tell me, “You know who is talented is that Kendrick Lamar.” And I’m like, “Yeah, you think?”

But say what you will about Donald Trump, his supporters are sticking by him. There are still women on TV defending Donald Trump. How are these women so forgiving of Donald Trump? I once reposted a twerk video of Facebook and my own mother blocked me. There is people that love Donald Trump so much that they’re willing to overlook these allegations and I can understand that. Look, I’m a huge fan of Michael Jackson because of ‘Thriller’, and ‘Off the wall’. But that doesn’t mean I can’t admit that he has done some terrible things too. Like that Invincible album, or that song you made with Eddie Murphy. What was that? It was almost as bad as the stuff you did to those kids.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Cool. Meanwhile, wikileaks released all these emails from Hillary’s campaign and no one’s talking about them because the Trump stuff is so much more ridiculous. Who would have thought that [Picture changes to Julian Assange.] master mind hacker Julian Assange would do less damage than Access Hollywood’s [Picture changes to Billy Bush] Billy Bush. And now at this point, [Picture changes to Election 2016] this whole election is like the movie Up. It got really sad really fast. And no matter who wins, we’re gonna still have to come together as country after to deal with our problems. We can’t just balloon our way out of it like this guy who, [Picture changes to the old man character of the movie Up] let’s face it, is definitely a Trump supporter. That’s why it upset me when Bill Clinton came out and dismissed all Trump supporters as ‘Basic Rednecks’, coz after the election when we go to war with Russia, the people we’re gonna ask to go and fight that war are the people you just called ‘Basic Rednecks’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, Bill, you’re a little too old to be using that word ‘basic’. And yeah, if we have a war, I don’t want a bunch of snarky liberals out there fighting for me, with their good taste and skinny jeans. I want somebody that dresses like John Cena, listens to Nickelback and has never met an Asian. That’s who is going to kick some ass. I’ll call liberals when I want a pointed think piece.

Weekend Update Olya Povlatski

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Russia of course has played a large part in the US election this year with near constant accusations of hacking and cyber attacks. Here to commend from a remote village in Russia is Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya Povlatski slides in]

Olya Povlatski: Hey!

Colin Jost: Hi, Olya, it’s so good to see you.

Olya Povlatski: Look who it is, Mr. Colin Jost. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Well, well? What did I do?

Olya Povlatski: Nothing. I’m telling you where all my sisters died. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Now Olya, let’s just talk about some of this hacking that’s going on right now in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: Argh! These Russians, they love to hack, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] That’s why I have very strong password no one can guess, okay? It’s the noise I make every morning when I wake up. [Olya Povlatski makes groaning sound] But all the Os are zeros. Shh.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really smart. That’s clever. Now, um, Russia has obviously been narrow mixed up in our election. Have you been following our election as result?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, I even– I watched the debate on Sunday.

Colin Jost: You watched the debate?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] I really– I related to this Hillary Clinton because I have also been attacked by a dog for 90 minutes. But, now we’re engaged. So you never know, you know?

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Congratulations.

Olya Povlatski: Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And did you see the video of Donald Trump with Billy Bush?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, that was so hard to watch the video. A whole bus for just two people? It’s a waste.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And now with all the stuff, all the tension between US and Russia, there’s talk that there could be a nuclear war. Does that worry you?

Olya Povlatski: I’m not worried, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Everyday I do nuclear bomb drill. This is where I run into open field and  I scream, “Come to me, bomb. Blow me up. Send me back to hell.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright.

Olya Povlatski: That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: That’s what you do. What do you think about Russians hating– you know, Americans hating Russians right now?

Olya Povlatski: It’s nothing new, Colin. Okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Look at your movies. We are always the villain. If you are in American movie and you have my accent, the only line you’ll ever get to say is this, “You have 24 hours.”

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I love that movie. It’s a great movie.

Olya Povlatski: You lucky you’re cute. But not all Russians are pure evil, okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Some of us just like to chill, kick back, you know, sing hottest new song in Russia.

[singing] A little bit of Monica  by my side
A little bit of Monica on my right
A little bit of Monica on the roof
A little bit of Monica in the field

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s actually not how that song goes.

Olya Povlatski: No. Yes, it is. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] In Russian version, Monica has been torn to pieces by ravens. And there is bits of Monica everywhere. This song is called lucky Monica.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Lucky Monica. Okay. I gotta got to say. I can’t believe that life is actually that bad in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: You know what? You’re right. it’s not, Colin. There is good stuff in my life. I just got my first phone.

Colin Jost: Your first phone?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. It’s Samsung Galaxy 7.

Colin Jost: Oh! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Samsung Galaxy, they’re being recalled because they’re actually exploding.

Olya Povlatski: Why do you think I sleep with it in my mouth, Colin?

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatski, everyone.