Tag: Leslie Jones

So You’re Willing to Date a Magician | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Leslie Jones

Tracy…..Awkwafina

Marconius Wilde…..Kenan Thompson

…..Pete Davidson

…..Mickey Day

…..Kyle Mooney

[Intro of So You’re Willing To Date a Magician]

Host: [Host and Tracy standing on the stage] Welcome back to ‘You’re Willing To Date a Magician”. We have four bachelor magicians hoping to cast a spell on our constant Tracy. Tracy, why do you want to date a musician?

Tracy: Well, I just got out of a two-year-old relationship with a DJ, so I’m not feeling that picky.

Host: Ah! Well, that’s fine. Now let’s meet our four single magicians.

Voiceover: [Cut to Marconius Wilde’s pictures on cool video effects] Marconius Wildd. There’s a slide of hand magician who divides his time between Las Vagas, Nevada and a parcel of land just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.

[Cut to Marconius enters the stage from the door with a deck of cards]

Marconius: Tracy, tonight I’m a king [showing a card, King of hearts] and I’m hoping that you will be, Tracy check your pocket.

[Cut to Tracy and the host, Tracy checks the pocket and shows the card Queen of Hearts] [Tracy is not excited, but the host is very much excited]

Host: Oh my god, it’s a queen of hearts. You’re going to want to keep that.

Marconius: [Comes to Tracy and takes the card back and leaves] Yeah, I need that back. I appreciate it.

Host: All right then. Yes, next is Henry Van Dazzle.

Voiceover: [Cut to Henry Van Dazzle’s pictures on cool video effects] Henry calls himself an Artisan of Amazement on his LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Henry enters the stage from the door with his hands cuffed]

Henry: Charmed my lady. I always said no shackles could hold me [uncuffs himself as a trick] until I met you.

Host: [Cut to Tracy and host] Whoa, that’s impressive right?

Tracy: Yeah, it’s a cool party trick.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] If only one could be invited to a party.

[Cut to Tracy and host]

Host: Okay, next is Dante Raven.

Voiceover: [Cut to Dante Raven’s pictures on cool video effects] Dante is described as a body endurance artist and the prince of self-inflicted pain.

[Cut to Dante enters the stage from the door]

Hey Tracy. I’m the guy for you. I once snorted a billiard ball to impress Valderrama but enough about me, I better hold my tongue. [Literally holds his tongue and pierces it with a long dagger]

[Cut to Tracy and the host disgusted]

Tracy: No, please. Not again.

Host: Why Dante, why? She don’t like that Dante. That’s not magic. That’s not magic.

Voiceover: [Cut to Justin Bird pictures on cool video effects] Finally we have Justin Bird from the Brother and Sister team, Byrds of Prey. Fans say their act violates the laws of time and space.

[Cut to Justin enters the stage from the door with his sister dancing]

Justin: HAHAHAHA. Indeed. And those are only some of the laws my sister, and I have violated.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: Yeah, he’s nice, but it’s weird his sister is always with him.

[Cut to Justin and his sister]

Justin: Don’t want my sister around? Well, I can easily make her disappear. Vanessa! Vanessa! Oh, I thought I lost you.

Host: Okay Tracy, you are asked to go on a date with each of our bachelor magicians. Let’s start with Marconius Wilde.  [Cut to Marconius staring at them] What did you do with him?

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Tracy: He said he’d already eaten so he too me to a bookstore where we browsed for three hours until he accidentally found a book he was mentioned in the thank yous.

[Cut to Marconius]

Marconius: It’s an intriguing title called “Houdini’s Mistress.” Check your pocket, Michelle.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Wow, he signed it. That’s so—

[Marconius comes to the host and takes the book back and leaves]

Marconius: Yeah I need that back.

Host: Really? All right then. Let’s go to Henry Van Dazzle. [Cut to Henry] HenryHow was your date with him?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] A little weird. He took me to this Burlesque show that they do a month in pickle factory in Brooklyn.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Oh, Burlesque, the thinking man’s erotica.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Yeah, I guess he thought that made it okay and fun fact, I saw his ID. He’s 55.

Henry: [Cut to Henry] That ID is merely an illusion I use to get senior discounts at Denny’s.

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: Okay dude. Let’s get over to Dante Raven. [Cut to Dante] How did that go?

Tracy: Dante said he was going to take me on a freaky [Cut to Tracy and the host] journey inside the mind. We actually went to a very modestly priced Italian restaurant. [Cut to Dante teasing Tracy]

Host: Nice.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Later when they brought the check, he asked if he could pay by running a sewing needle through his testicles and they said no.

Dante: [Cut to Dante] But I did it anyway for I’ve mastered my pain. [Hits his own head with a bottle and breaks it]

[Cut to Tracy and the host]

Host: No Dante. No. How about Justin Bird? [Cut to Justin and his sister] Where did he take you?

Tracy: Oh, we went to Chile’s [Cut to Tracy and the host] which would have been fine but his sister kind of stared at me the whole time. Kind of like that. [Cut to Justin’s sister staring at Tracy] [Cut to Tracy and the host, host is shocked] It also got awkward when our waiter came.

Host: Why is that?

Henry: [Cut to Henry] Because it was me. Waiting tables is my side hustle. My lady.

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] It’s his main hustle.

Host: Okay Tracy, if you’re willing to go on a moonlit cruise with one of these guys, we’ll pay for it.  Who will it be? [Cut to Marconius acting weird] Marconius? [Camera moving to Henry, Dante and Justin, and his sister] Henry? Dante? Or Justin?

Tracy: [Cut to Tracy and the host] Oh man, it’s so hard to pick one. Would it be possible to pick nobody?

Host: Well that’s what happened last week. So let’s do it again. When we come back, we’ll tell you—[Dante comes close to Tracy in the cut] Why Dante, why? [Dante leaves]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Emergency Alert: Season 44 Episode 2

…..Leslie Jones

…..Kate McKinnon

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Seth Meyers

…..Heidi Gardner

[Leslie Jones is walking]

Voiceover: On Wednesday you received the first ever presidential alert.

Leslie Jones: Presidential alert?

Voiceover: [Cut to phone screen of Leslie Jones] This system was the result of years of careful planning for use only in cases of national emergency.

Kate McKinnon: “Failing New York Times says I cheated on Taxes. Duh! It’s called being smart.” What is this?

Voiceover: [Cut to Aidy Bryant sitting on her sofa with her kid] Finally a system for reaching all Americans when it counts most.

Aidy Bryant: “Alert, Puerto Rico is fine now! I guess the paper towels work!”

Voiceover: [Cuts to different Presidents giving speech] Every president since FDR has communicated directly with the American people. He had fire sight chats. And now President Trump has emergency alerts.

Kate McKinnon: “Hurricane Florence got the Carolinas so wet I thought it was the premiere of ‘Magic Mike’.”

Voiceover: With presidential alerts, you’ll hear about every emergency. [Cut to Leslie Jones inside meeting hall with her colleagues.]

Leslie Jones: “September 11th was almost a month ago.” Is that even information?

Seth Meyers: [Cut to Seth Meyers on his bed playing video game with head phones on.] “Warning: white men are under attack.” Oh, no.

Aidy Bryant: [Cut to Aidy Bryant] “Kid rock sounds better than ever?”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate McKinnon’s phone’s screen.] “Congrats to good guy Brett Kavanaugh, #BelieveMen”

Hi. [Cut to Kate McKinnon throwing her phone into hotdog shop’s water container.]

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie Jones walking inside her office.] “Amber alert: Remember Tiffany Amber-Thiessen? That’s when women were slam dunks.”

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi Gardner sitting in her office talking to Leslie Jones.] Wait a second. I’m not getting any of these alerts on my phone.

Leslie Jones: You’re not?

Heidi Gardner: No. Thanks, Cricket Wireless.

Voiceover: Cricket Wireless. Now, aren’t you happy we have awful service? Join now for only $2.99 per decade. Our phones have candy inside.

Traffic Stop: Season 44 Episode 3

Cop 1…..Leslie Jones

Cop 2…..Ego Nwodim

Man…..Seth Meyers

Cop 3…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of a busy freeway at night. ]

[ Cut to Cop 1 & 2 standing in front a car. The man is walking over to them; he has been pulled over. ]

Cop 1: Sir, just stand over here. We’re gonna ask you a couple of questions. You’re in a lot of trouble, sir.

Man: I know. I know.

Cop 2: Okay, well since you know so much..do you know why we stopped you?

Man: I guess I missed the stop sign back there.

Cop 1: Yeah, that’s right you did. And do you know why we asked you out of your car?

Man: Not really.

Cop 2: Because you fine as hell. That’s why.

Man: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Cop 1: What my partner is trying to say is you a zaddy, and you can get it.

Cop 2: And if you act right, you might could keep it. [ The two cops laugh and high five. ]

[ Cut to intro for ‘Thirsty Cops.’ The theme song is playing: Thirsty cops. Thirsty cops. They’re thirsty cops. Fighting crime but if their perp is fine, they’ll take their time. They’re thirsty cops. ]

[ Cut back to the two cops with the man outside his car. ]

Cop 2: So where are you coming from?

Man: A party.

Cop 1: What kind of party?

Man: A work party.

Cop 1: Woohoo! So he got a job. [ The two cops high five again and dance around. ] He got a job. Ha ha ha ha.

Cop 2: An employed brother! We got an employed brother.

Man: Why is that such a good thing?

Cop 1: Because [ She sings Gold Digger by Kanye West. ] we ain’t messing with no broke broke.

Cop 2: Now I ain’t seeing we a gold digger..

Cop 1 & 2: But I ain’t messing with no broke, broke, broke.

Man: Sorry to interrupt your song officers, but am I in trouble?

Cop 2: Oh yeah, we might even need you to go downtown.

Cop 1: Do you like to go downtown? [ She makes a motion with her pelvic area. ]

Man: Look, I know what you guys are talking about, and this feels like harassment.

Cop 2: Okay. Harassment? Or my assment? [ The cops turn around and stick out their butts towards the man. ]

Man: Alright.

Cop 2: Okay sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Cop 1: And anything you say or do may be held [ She places her hand across her chest. ] against my body. To turn me on.

Man: I’m sorry. Is this real?

Cop 2: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very real. Very real. Have you been drinking?

Man: I had a whiskey or two, although right now, I wish I had a couple more.

Cop 1: Ohhh, okay! So you a whiskey man? Fine and refine.

Cop 2: Okay, okay. So we talking a Seagrams 7 or more like a Seagrams 9 and a half? [ She points at the man. ]

Cop 1: Whaaat?! Look I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten a ton of DUI’s, and the process was never like this.

[ A third cop walks up to the man from off stage. ]

Cop 3: Alright, alright. What seems to be the problem over here?

Man: Oh, thank God, you’re here Officer. These two are being very inappropriate.

Cop 3: Okay, what’s inappropriate, Sir, is you walking around with that ass.

Man: Oh boy. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer cop 3 on and cop 3 sticks out her tongue. ]

Cop 3: Excuse me, my friend, I’m going to need to phone this in. Car 51 a dispatch suspect is exactly my type. Hot but not cocky. Effortless style. Repeat, suspect is exactly my type. [ Cop 1 & 2 laugh in agreement with cop 3. ]

Cop 1: We’re gonna need you to walk now, sir.

Man: No, I’m not gonna do that. This is illegal.

Cop 2: Wait, sir. Sir. You’ve admitted to drinking, and you’ve had a traffic violation. You’re gonna need to do as we say.

Cop 1: Now, walk!

Man: Alright. [ The man walks across in front of the cops. ]

Cop 1: Yes. [ The three cops check out the man as he walks. ] Turrrrnnnn. [ He turns around. ] Yeah, turn again. [ He keeps turning. ] Yahhh.

Cop 3: Hands on your knees, please sir. Yeppp. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer as the man bends over to put his hands on his knees. ]

Now sir, sir. I’m gonna need you to look back at it. [ The three cops laugh and cheer. Cops 1 & 2 do a little dance. ]

Cop 3: Hot, cha, cha. Looks like your gals got this covered, you lucky bitches.

Look enough, I swear, I’m good to drive. Okay?

Oh, well, prove it! If I was a car, how would you ride me?

I’d put my hands on 10 and 2 [ He motions putting his hands on the wheel. ] and go full throttle till I run out of gas. [ Cop 1 & 2 scream with joy. ]

Okay. Okay. He tried it.

He tried it.

I tried it. And I liked it.

[ The two cops laugh and scream with joy. Then the two cops make a siren noise waving their arms over their heads. ]

[ Cut to Thirsty Cops outro with a message that says, ‘Please Drink Responsibly.’ The theme music sings, Thirsty Cops. ]

Halloween Gig: Season 44 Episode 3

Trese Henderson (Singer)…..Kenan Thompson

Jenks (Electric Piccolo)…..Seth Meyers

Brad Dates (Keyboardist)…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Chris Redd

Audience 2…..Leslie Jones

[ Image of the outside of a Residence Inn Marriott. ]

[ Cut to the inside of presentation room inside the hotel. There is a band on stage, one man is playing the keyboard, another is playing the flute, and the third is in the middle singing on the microphone. There are pumpkins decorating the set. ]

Trese: [ Music is playing. ] Yes, I will ignore. Yes, thank you very much. Hello, Kingston residents in the Marriott. Once again I am Trese Henderson, and this is the Trese Henderson Trio. We are moments away from announcing the winners of the adult Halloween Costume Contest. [ Cut to the audience of the band sitting at three tables in costumes. ] For adults only. [ Cut back to the band. ] But first, let’s get back to the show! [ The band starts to play music, again. ] Tweedle-de-dee Tweedle-de-snatch Tweedle-de-snacks inside the pumpkin. [ Intense short piccolo solo. Music ends. ] Ladies and gentlemen, I could not stand up here in front of you tonight without the amazing little babies you see behind me. Brad Dates on keyboard.

Brad: 100% Tres! [ Short keyboard solo. ]

Trese: I told you! And our newest edition Mr. Jenks on the electric piccolo.

Jenks: Watch me fly, Trese! [ Short piccolo solo. The piccolo zaps him. ] Ooh, ooh, ooooooh! I got a little shock.

Trese: From the electricity in your piccolo?

Jenks: That would be my guess, Trese.

Trese: Wow! Well this week went from bad to worst for you, didn’t it?

Jenks: Oh I’m fine.

Trese: You were sad in the car.

Jenks: I was quiet.

Trese: I think you were sad. Is is about that thing?

Jenks: I don’t want to talk about it here.

Trese: The thing, that the doctor said he thought you had.

Brad: That’s personal, Trese.

Jenks: Seriously, you don’t need to worry about it.

Trese: Well, as your roommate, I think I do. Because we use the same washcloths.

Jenks: Drop it!

Trese: Fine!

[ The band begins to play music, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-pop. Tweedle-de-candle inside the pumpkin top. [ The music ends. ] Alright, how is everybody feeling tonight?

[ Cut to the two audience members sitting at the center table up front. ]

Audience 2: Confused. What’s going on with your piccolo player.

Audience 1: Yeah, we have some theories on what’s going on. I think he has athlete’s foot.

Audience 2: I think he got panty crickets.

[ Cut back to the band on stage. ]

Trese: Did you hear that Jenk’s? We are all wondering if you have panty crickets? People care. Open up.

Jenks: Let’s just do the gig, and not worry the people.

Brad: Respect his boundaries, Trese.

Trese: I am just trying to help. My intentions are pure.

[ The band begins to play, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-north. Tweedle-de-south. What did the pumpkin say out his Halloween mouth? [ The music ends. His phone rings. ] Oh, I’m getting a phone call. [He answers his cell phone. ] Kingston medical? Yes, hello. Yes, this is Trese. Yes, I’m with him right now. Jenks, it’s your doctor.

Jenks: Well, you’re my emergency contact.

Trese: Aww, that’s sweet.

Jenks: Can I talk to them?

Trese: Well, who’s stopping ya?

Jenks: Okay, so I do have it. How’d I get it? But, I never touched one of those. Oh, I did lick it. Of course, I have clothes. Get rid of them? What about my roommates clothes? So we need to rid of his, as well?

Trese: Even my Gucci shoes?! Ask the doctor if shoes are clothes.

Jenks: He said everything.

Trese: Not my Gucci shoes! But does he know that the shoes are Gucci?

Jenks: He heard you, and he said, ‘yes.’

Trese: Oh my Gucci shoes! I have to throw them away because of your panty crickets?

Jenks: I’m so sorry Trese. I know how much you love your Gucci shoes.

Trese: Yes Jenks. They were my friends. Tell that to my Gucci shoe.

[ The music begins again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-twop. Tweedle-de-pumpkin from the tree top! [ The music ends. ]

Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ]

[ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update: Serena Williams: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Serena Williams…..Leslie Jones

…..Leslie Jones

[ Colin is sitting at newsroom desk with Michael. ]

COLIN JOST: Well according to a new study of cheetahs in the wild…

[ A female voice is heard interrupting Colin. ]

Serena: You owe me an apology! [ Serena, in a tennis outfit with a tutu, walks in front of the newsroom desk where Colin and Michael are seated. She is carrying a tennis racket. ]

COLIN JOST: Wait.

Serena: You owe me an apology! I am not a cheater. I have never cheated in my entire life.

COLIN JOST: Wait, Leslie. I told you we’re not going to do the Serena Williams bit.

Serena: You are a liar and a thief! Say you’re sorry! You will never work at the news desk again!

COLIN JOST: Leslie, the story is three weeks old.

Serena: You will not take this from me!

[ Leslie breaks character from Serena and is now speaking as herself. ]

LESLIE JONES: Look Colin, I spent all summer getting my body in Serena shape so I’m going to play Serena on TV. Look at me. Look at me. [ Leslie does a twirl to show off her body. ] Yah, ha ha! I need that! Yas, yah! Okay, okay. Back to Serena.

[ Leslie gets back into character and continues as if she was Serena. ]

Serena: I want an apology!

COLIN JOST: Leslie, I’m not the…

Serena: Then don’t talk to me! Don’t talk to me.

COLIN JOST: Serena Williams everybody.

Serena: This moment is for Naomi Osaka. [ Leslie walks off the stage. ]